Here's a thread that's probably familiar for those who've kept up with threads by me. I've had a history of posting about how poorly I can handle my behavior when it comes to losing in fighting games for quite a while, and how I think it's been negatively affecting my personality. I've talked about how losing made me feel so worthless and how it at one point it led to self-abuse. I've listened to the advice of many people who posted in response to those threads, most importantly was seeing therapy. I've also stopped playing fighting games for the most part. I still play them, but very occasionally. I no longer play those games for competition or to just win, but that also means that without that drive to win I am no longer motivated to keep playing at all. And as time goes on I'm beginning to find that this line of thinking applies to just about anything I do that's for any activity. "If I can't win, why am I even trying." While no longer for fighting games, my toxic behavior has extended to playing games with my family, work, and so on. I turn everything I do into something I have to "win," or else I feel like I have no purpose in doing anything. So when I lose, I feel like my world's falling apart around me and I suffer extreme anxiety.
I've talked to my therapist about this issues, and what they've seem to have concluded was that my anger from setting myself up to fail comes from severe low self-esteem and depression. My behavior is also common for people who's parents set their kids up to be great only to not have their expectations of their children met, which describes my parents perfectly. My parents signed me up for just about every sport they could when I was going through school, all of which I hated but they wanted me to be some sort of wunderkind. I've learned that the unfortunate truth is that my mindset is so ingrained into my psyche that it is most likely impossible to get rid of, which makes me feel shittier more than anything. I feel like it's getting in my way to enjoy life and the fact that this mentality is stuck with me forever is the worst. Has anyone else feel like they've dealt with similar issues themselves, anyone have advice for what I can do to try to better myself?
I've talked to my therapist about this issues, and what they've seem to have concluded was that my anger from setting myself up to fail comes from severe low self-esteem and depression. My behavior is also common for people who's parents set their kids up to be great only to not have their expectations of their children met, which describes my parents perfectly. My parents signed me up for just about every sport they could when I was going through school, all of which I hated but they wanted me to be some sort of wunderkind. I've learned that the unfortunate truth is that my mindset is so ingrained into my psyche that it is most likely impossible to get rid of, which makes me feel shittier more than anything. I feel like it's getting in my way to enjoy life and the fact that this mentality is stuck with me forever is the worst. Has anyone else feel like they've dealt with similar issues themselves, anyone have advice for what I can do to try to better myself?
