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Definitely but could you elaborate on how you're being picky? You should only try to message people you are actually attracted too but if you're only going after supermodels then you're doing it wrong.
Put your phone away and do other things, don't wait around for a text.
What are you picky about?
right, that is what I'm doing. Only swiping/messaging girls that I am attracted too. Ironically enough I will usually avoid girls who look like a super models.
First I have the deal-breakers:
- doesn't want kids
- smokes
- does drugs
- if they are discriminatory in any way/shape/form (etc. "will only date whites/people over 6'")
- somewhat active (and in shape)
- being able to identify something we can bond over based on their profiles/bio
- if they are a hunter (don't feel comfortable dating someone who kills for sport)
- if their profile looks like it's some kind of Instagram/snap-chat/twitter advertisement
Are you looking for something more serious? If so, this is pretty reasonable.
Yep, should have added that in as well. Not looking for casual flings/hookups.
You have some standards like everyone does and you're not settling for someone you aren't attracted to or couldn't see yourself in a relationship with. I think that's fine.
I try to. It's tougher some days than others.
Also, starting to get frustrated that my height is seeming like a deal breaker. In about four of the past half-dozen or so first dates I've been on, I can literally see the attraction for me fade when they meet me in person. I'll put effort into looking nice, styling my hair, trimming my beard, wearing flattering clothes, but nothing doing. I'm 5'7, and I know that's short, but even with some girls that I'm taller than it seems as though I'm too short for their tastes. I'm also a bit heavier than I am in one or two of my older pics on tinder and OKC, but not by a terribly noticeable margin. It's just so defeating to immediately be ruled out based on something I can't change, because a cute girl can always meet a taller guy. Sometimes I feel like I should put a disclaimer on my profiles that says "I'm 5'7, and if that's a deal-breaker then please don't waste my time." but I know that's the most insecure thing I could do.
Do y'all encounter girls a lot that are real particular about height?
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Don't give up. You're taller than me, and I met my SO on OKC. For the record, I never put my height on the profile and no one ever asked me about it. Though I am Asian so maybe people just assume :/ Anyway, acknowledge that you are playing on hard mode, but don't let it get you down. As you say, there is nothing you can do about it, and being dejected about it affects only you and no one else.
Don't put the bolded! Either just put your height on your profile, or put nothing there. Also, focus on what you *can* change! Work out and lose some weight, get a better haircut, better clothes, more interesting pictures, funnier profile, and so on. You cannot let height be the focus. Remember that women who reject you based solely on your height do not matter [to you], so there is no point in having any of their comments affect you.
You shouldn't be using outdated pictures because that's not an accurate representation of what you currently look like.
No reply is best reply
Chrno You're not being too picky. Those are just fine in all honesty.
justjim89 How old are these outdated pictures? If you don't look like those currently don't use them. If you don't quite look like your pictures and you're also not quite the height their looking for you're essentially going further down in their books because it seems like you're selling an image you aren't. In terms of height, not everyone cares; remember while some of us are tall a lot of famous people are not tall. From Dan Radcliffe to Tom Cruise. Work with what you've got, keep your confidence, and you'll be fine. If they care too much about it then they're not the ones for you.
Coolwhip As many others have said. Ignore/delete the message. Just like you aren't owed a response you don't owe a response to someone you don't fancy.
Mariolee It's been so long but iirc you shouldn't be able to do this thanks to the advent of tinder plus/gold. I think they want you to pay if you want to hide your location. You might show up on that but you won't be able to match anyone. I've been reading that they're trying to limit features to get more people to pony up money (It is a match company after all) so I wouldn't be surprised.
justjim89 How old are these outdated pictures? If you don't look like those currently don't use them. If you don't quite look like your pictures and you're also not quite the height their looking for you're essentially going further down in their books because it seems like you're selling an image you aren't. In terms of height, not everyone cares; remember while some of us are tall a lot of famous people are not tall. From Dan Radcliffe to Tom Cruise. Work with what you've got, keep your confidence, and you'll be fine. If they care too much about it then they're not the ones for you.
Coolwhip As many others have said. Ignore/delete the message. Just like you aren't owed a response you don't owe a response to someone you don't fancy.
Mariolee It's been so long but iirc you shouldn't be able to do this thanks to the advent of tinder plus/gold. I think they want you to pay if you want to hide your location. You might show up on that but you won't be able to match anyone. I've been reading that they're trying to limit features to get more people to pony up money (It is a match company after all) so I wouldn't be surprised.
Well after a set of crushes, a girl I was on and off with for half a year, I'm actually going on a date with a girl from a different highschool who I worked with earlier this summer. We both are taking off from that job (day-camp counseling) so that stuff won't be a problem. She is really quirky but she has a really hot voice, and I hope this goes well. I don't get how she has feelings for me, but I mean as long as she's willing.
Any first date tips? (The only "date" like thing I've done before is homecoming with that girl I was on & off with but I did so bad there I put our relationship on pause for like a month).
Any first date tips? (The only "date" like thing I've done before is homecoming with that girl I was on & off with but I did so bad there I put our relationship on pause for like a month).
Do something you can talk to them about and have fun with them on. Don't do a movie. Don't do something big or serious or over the top. Keep it casual.
Also to the guy who said he was being discriminated on based on height. 5'7" isn't that short lol.
Also to the guy who said he was being discriminated on based on height. 5'7" isn't that short lol.
It's not terrible. It's a cliche for a reason. Just make sure she likes mini golf. I suggested mini golf for our second date and my gf "lol nope'd" it.
I like mini golf though.
I like mini golf though.
Went on a date with a law school girl who works at a law firm about 30 mins ago. First thing she starts talking to me about is work, company stuff, and lunch with coworkers which bored me.
Biggest turn-off was that she kept checking her phone and Apple Watch periodically. When asked if I've lived anywhere else, I bluntly said no.
When she wanted to call it a night, I was so glad it was over. I shouldn't have paid for the drinks but only got one drink each so eh. It feels like I phoned this date in.
I have other dates lined up. Hopefully they won't be as boring.
Biggest turn-off was that she kept checking her phone and Apple Watch periodically. When asked if I've lived anywhere else, I bluntly said no.
When she wanted to call it a night, I was so glad it was over. I shouldn't have paid for the drinks but only got one drink each so eh. It feels like I phoned this date in.
I have other dates lined up. Hopefully they won't be as boring.
Has anyone had experience with dating someone who has a genuine fear of letting people go?
My current girlfriend has had a pretty shitty life so far: a cheating/abandoning father, an abusive ex-husband, multiple cheating ex-boyfriends, and life-altering health problems.
There are people in her life that have treated her like absolute shit, that I keep encouraging her to push away, but she just can't for some reason. They keep finding ways back into her life and she keeps letting them back in without putting up any fight.
I'm quite concerned with how she keeps bad people in her life on a leash like that. I fear she will never really move on and be happy, but I also want to be considerate and supportive of what is obviously a sensitive subject to her due to some traumatizing life events.
I'm not sure if this is the best place to ask, but any advice at all will do. Thanks for reading :)
My current girlfriend has had a pretty shitty life so far: a cheating/abandoning father, an abusive ex-husband, multiple cheating ex-boyfriends, and life-altering health problems.
There are people in her life that have treated her like absolute shit, that I keep encouraging her to push away, but she just can't for some reason. They keep finding ways back into her life and she keeps letting them back in without putting up any fight.
I'm quite concerned with how she keeps bad people in her life on a leash like that. I fear she will never really move on and be happy, but I also want to be considerate and supportive of what is obviously a sensitive subject to her due to some traumatizing life events.
I'm not sure if this is the best place to ask, but any advice at all will do. Thanks for reading :)
I was bored reading that. You bought a drink for her no sweat and definitely don't reach out. Onto the next date. GL
How long have you been dating her?
Personally, I don't have time for women who have a lot of issues. I would've snuffed this out early and moved on.
My advice would be to put your foot down. There's no reason to continue to let shit people into her life because it's also yours as well as a couple. Also elaborate on who is she letting in? Ex boyfriend/husband/bad friends/dad?
We've been dating for a little over 7 months now, and she lets in pretty much everyone I mentioned: dad, ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, etc. All except for the abusive ex-husband.
Granted, I want to be clear that "letting them back in" does not mean they are returning to an important role her life again. She pretty much just stays in contact with them via text. That's it.
Outside of this problem, this relationship has been very great for me as I have a lot of personal issues myself that she has been patient, helpful with, and understanding of so I would rather not just move on unless it really becomes a problem.
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My armchair psychology says that these abusive people have got good at controlling her and it's a power game / attention for them. If it's just texts she needs to start blocking them and find new friends with you together as a couple. Its a case of finding good people the replace whatever reason she has too keep in contact with the abusive people.
Relationship is potentially (like 99% sure) going to get long distance this time next month.
Could not find a decent job in my current city or the surrounding area, but the one I did find was good but in another area. I got an offer at the next city over but its pretty damn shady. "you work full time, 40 hours a week." me: "but the contract says 29... meaning you only pay part time and do not need to supply the benifits legally meant for full time workers" "them: "yup, nice huh!"
She keeps wanting me to find a job nearby but we live kinda in the middle of nowhere for my field. If planned right she/me could just take a domestic budget airline for less than $100 each time we visit each other. Its a newer relationship so I'm not exactly ready to drop a good thing for an obviously bad one, but I do have my friends here too...
I know its not worth it in the long run to take a paycut and shady policies, but I can't help but wonder every morning if I should take the other offer.
Could not find a decent job in my current city or the surrounding area, but the one I did find was good but in another area. I got an offer at the next city over but its pretty damn shady. "you work full time, 40 hours a week." me: "but the contract says 29... meaning you only pay part time and do not need to supply the benifits legally meant for full time workers" "them: "yup, nice huh!"
She keeps wanting me to find a job nearby but we live kinda in the middle of nowhere for my field. If planned right she/me could just take a domestic budget airline for less than $100 each time we visit each other. Its a newer relationship so I'm not exactly ready to drop a good thing for an obviously bad one, but I do have my friends here too...
I know its not worth it in the long run to take a paycut and shady policies, but I can't help but wonder every morning if I should take the other offer.
The crazy thing is that she has plenty of good people in her life too. She's the "friends with everyone" type. Always outgoing and helpful to everyone she meets.
I think it's just the people that she has opened up to in some way that are the ones she can't let go of. I don't want to put too much faith in my own armchair psychology, but I think she has a genuine fear of trusting people with sensitive info of herself. Probably because she has been betrayed so many times and her past is so painful that it takes a lot to trust someone with it. So the few who she has opened up to in some way she keeps on a short leash to try and maintain some kind of faint connection with to hide from the pain of them "leaving for good".
I remember the time she told me about her abusive ex-husband. I was busy working the next 2 days and couldn't really talk to her, plus I was still processing it all. When we finally talked again she told me she was scared to death about me knowing that information and not knowing what I was going to do for those 2 days. I still can't tell if she was scared because she thought I would blab about something sensitive like that, or if she was scared that I was going to leave after knowing it.
She mentions to me a lot that she is constantly scared that I will leave her, and to please promise her that even if I leave I will not stop talking to her. So this is obviously a deep and painful issue for her to have people leave her after opening up to them. She has helped me a lot and I care for her very much so I want to be patient and help her with this, but I will admit that my own insecurities of having all of her ex-boyfriends constantly looming in the background are making it difficult.
This is probably caused by abandonment issues from the father. I had the reverse situation from my wife when I met her where she would always say she would leave me if I turned out to be abusive like her ex husband. She never says things like that anymore though.
One thing I've realised it if I'm going to have an argument or debate with my partner, I'd rather table it and do it through a phone call or hash it out in person rather than immediately through text. Text is too cold and you can't understand each other's feelings and their true meaning until the very end. Text is intimidating and anxiety-inducing when you see the paragraphs and number of notifications pop up.
My wife will randomly start text "Arguments" because she projects things into my texts when she is in a bad mood. I have to find the exact point to bow out or she thinks I'm ignoring her and gets more upset. It's a minefield.
Yeah, it's a toughie! This is why I'm deciding to find a small neutral statement to get out of the argument or to call her/meet her about it until we start living with each other where then I can just say we'll talk about it later.
JDHarbs It does sound like there's some abandonment issues there leading to a sort of unhealthy attachment issues. And I agree with alwayscrazybacon that these people have definitely gotten control over her and enjoy that power. It's not something you can sever in one go. You'll need to wean it off starting with the least influential to the most to help her move out of this. Also this is only possible if you're truly going to have a long term relationship because unless you can help her truly become independent otherwise she's just going to transfer all of that attachment onto you. I mean it is worth reading up on attachment styles in general.
Valkerion ?Hold up. I'm not sure if I'm missing something here. There's one job offer with shady practices, a newish relationship that can go long distance, lesser opportunities in your area and then you mention another offer - where this other offer and general benefits is missing from that. Long term career goals are important and at the end of the day fiscal security and job security is important in a relationship. Sure you won't be nearby but lack of these two can sabotage most relationships. Take the one that benefits you most fiscally and career-wise and your relationship can work around that in this particular case. Because otherwise it'll be sacrifices and things so early on that it can result in some complications.
Messofanego Text arguments are really not worth it because you're projecting a lot of your own internal anxiety and worries on what the other person says rather than what they actually mean. The best thing is to call and discuss face to face. Texts are good for some people to verbalise certain things that they can't but to hit catharsis and conclusion you need face to face. I mean this is very relevant for that -->
Valkerion ?Hold up. I'm not sure if I'm missing something here. There's one job offer with shady practices, a newish relationship that can go long distance, lesser opportunities in your area and then you mention another offer - where this other offer and general benefits is missing from that. Long term career goals are important and at the end of the day fiscal security and job security is important in a relationship. Sure you won't be nearby but lack of these two can sabotage most relationships. Take the one that benefits you most fiscally and career-wise and your relationship can work around that in this particular case. Because otherwise it'll be sacrifices and things so early on that it can result in some complications.
Messofanego Text arguments are really not worth it because you're projecting a lot of your own internal anxiety and worries on what the other person says rather than what they actually mean. The best thing is to call and discuss face to face. Texts are good for some people to verbalise certain things that they can't but to hit catharsis and conclusion you need face to face. I mean this is very relevant for that -->
Whenever I see an SO try to argue I try to keep my cool and tell them to get back to me when they're done being upset and clearly acting out on nothing but emotional distress.
There's no rationalizing anything at that point, and if you lose control of yourself, then well, now you're both down the hole. Not to say don't argue, that's damn near impossoble for me. But through text? Hells naw.
Anyway things are pretty good in Spinland. Me and the woman I've been seeing (my best friend of 10yrs dating back to high school) starting to find something that works and I've really gained her trust. The other night she told me that she thinks "love is a friendship that has caught fire." And that she really felt that with me, and she felt loved and safe with me. That shit really touches the hort man. After months of anxiety from sleeping with my best friend of 10yrs back in March and the fear of losing her, I finally feel somewhat safe? We kind of meet sonewhere in the middle since life keeps us busy, but every time we meet it's amazing. I want to make sure things stay this way for us both.
There's no rationalizing anything at that point, and if you lose control of yourself, then well, now you're both down the hole. Not to say don't argue, that's damn near impossoble for me. But through text? Hells naw.
Anyway things are pretty good in Spinland. Me and the woman I've been seeing (my best friend of 10yrs dating back to high school) starting to find something that works and I've really gained her trust. The other night she told me that she thinks "love is a friendship that has caught fire." And that she really felt that with me, and she felt loved and safe with me. That shit really touches the hort man. After months of anxiety from sleeping with my best friend of 10yrs back in March and the fear of losing her, I finally feel somewhat safe? We kind of meet sonewhere in the middle since life keeps us busy, but every time we meet it's amazing. I want to make sure things stay this way for us both.
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Not replying is the same as saying you're not interested.
Also, you don't need to worry about how they feel (save for treating them like a person): you'll never meet them and they aren't factors in your life.
Coolwhip Honestly not replying to them is better than saying you're not interested. Sometimes when you tell someone you're not interested they just want to pick a fight or prove to you why you should be interested. I mean really, do not even bother with that. When you don't respond there's less chance of you hurting their ego. Not to mention you're really unlikely to meet this person again and even if you do, if you didn't respond it's a lot less awkward than if you responded and cross paths. For a person you've never come across or communicated with before and you're not interested it's best to not respond. At all.
Got a date coming up tomorrow night, met her about two weeks ago, and we've gotten along by text and phone super well. There's a bit of an age gap to deal with, but I think I can manage since our maturity levels are kinda hitting it off on the middle ground.
Gonna be an interesting day.
Gonna be an interesting day.
Imagine the exitement as she sees a reply only to be crushed by a no thanks. Sje's been ignored before as will you. Many times. Online dating has its own rules.
Funnily enough I was just discussing with a friend about how conversations play out on text vs real life. She (my friend) wasn't too keen on the wording of one of our mutual friends on text but we know how the mutual friend is IRL (well I know her more than my friend) and so gave it a pass. It's rarely about attitude and especially when one person isn't naturally English speaking (mutual friend) there are nuances that end up missing too. Text vs irl is such a pain sometimes ha.
So what is the appropriate action when a persons pictures are misleading on dating apps?
I met a girl on bumble, we talked for a bit and everything seemed normal so we scheduled something for later this week.
However, I did some Facebook searching the other day and she is significantly different from her online profile. The pics on her bumble profile seem to be from 3-4 years ago.
I feel like I'm being a shallow asshole but is it wrong if I feel mislead and don't want to go on the date anymore?
I met a girl on bumble, we talked for a bit and everything seemed normal so we scheduled something for later this week.
However, I did some Facebook searching the other day and she is significantly different from her online profile. The pics on her bumble profile seem to be from 3-4 years ago.
I feel like I'm being a shallow asshole but is it wrong if I feel mislead and don't want to go on the date anymore?
Just for next time, ask for a full body pic that's recent early on or this gonna happen again.
You have been "fatfished" my friend. Happens to all of us. If someone's profile is nothing but cute above the shoulder pics you can 100% guarantee there is a reason why the rest of the body isn't shown. Same thing with pics snap filtered to death. That's an immediate swipe left for me no matter how hot her filtered pics look.
Here's a trick for the future that seems to work, without being blatantly obvious, If you say something like "hey I just want you to know your not being catfished here is a picture from a week ago proving it's really me"
99% of the time they will send you an a recent picture back, Basically tell them how you dont want them to think your something you're not. You can normally tell if its from recently or not. If they send you the same type of pictures as their profile then they are hiding something lol, Most girls are fine sending you a picture of what they actually look like, I'm not one that minds a chubby girl, but there are certain levels of big I won't do lol, and if they are too big then you can tell in person that I'm not into them, and its awkward so I've tried to think of ways of getting around of the picture problem
The best thing for first dates is NOT mini-golf, I've never had a good mini golf date, and I've tried lots of them lol, You normally want to stick to a local coffee house/dessert place and chill there for an hour or 2 to see if you like the person, any place with loud music is a no go.
Alright DatingEra, help me decipher this.
Been talking to this girl, she seems pretty eager, actually taking all the imitative, from offering her number to asking me out for the coffee date. Now we've come down to trying to nail a day, but she seems legitimately busy. She does keep saying things like we'll figure it out, but also saying let's keep in touch too. I told her Id hit up her again next week and see how her schedule is and shes all "Okie dokie". Seems like shes interested? Or just playing games/not interested and should I move on.
Been talking to this girl, she seems pretty eager, actually taking all the imitative, from offering her number to asking me out for the coffee date. Now we've come down to trying to nail a day, but she seems legitimately busy. She does keep saying things like we'll figure it out, but also saying let's keep in touch too. I told her Id hit up her again next week and see how her schedule is and shes all "Okie dokie". Seems like shes interested? Or just playing games/not interested and should I move on.
She doesn't want to meet up with you and is talking to other dudes keeping her options open, Just say sure, ignore her and see if she reaches back out to you, if not forget about her.
If she really wanted to meet you she would make time