What's up ERA. Never submitted anything to confessember, but this time I have something! I'm not really sure whether or not this counts as a confession, per se, but whatever, you guys get to read it! I do apologise, it's a bit of a long read, but I *really* need to get this story out somewhere, because this year has been absolutely incredible for me. To preface, I'm 23/Male.
This time last year I was working a minimum wage retail job in the back office counting money 40 hours a week, whilst sinking all of my free time and energy into World of Warcraft. I was depressed, anxious, and overtly miserable in life. However, I started a guild in the game with a few of my IRL friends and I was leading this guild, and the guild lasted for about 7-8 months before I had to quit the game (40hr work week + 40+ hrs a week on the game was too much, I realised that I had to quit for the benefit of my own health, the stress was intense).
Anyway, what I realised around January when the guild died, is that by leading this guild and having people tell me I was good at it and a nice person etc, I'd actually gained a lot of confidence. Somehow this translated into my real life as I quit the game and soon after I got moved back to the shop floor in my shitty retail job. Not even seven weeks later I got promoted to Supervisor. A healthy pay rise, and I finally had responsibility and was doing something I actually kind of enjoy. On top of that, so many people were telling me how that I looked so happy all the time? It was kind of surreal to be honest.
Now, I try and be cheery and funny as much as I can. I suffered depression for roughly six years and making other people smile/laugh has always been a way for me to improve the world around me just that little bit.
So. Around June I started running and eating well again for the first time in a year and a half. I was pretty healthy before, but I fell back into the depression and I gained back nearly all the weight. As it stands, I've gone from 109kg down to 96.7kg with a hell of better athletic frame to boot! I honestly think I look the best now that I've ever looked in my life! Infact, the very night I'm writing this I just smashed ALL of my personal bests on RunKeeper :)
So that's pretty much my life this year thus far. And then....there's something that's been causing me a little grief lately, which is really why I'm posting this, because I'd like someone else's opinion on the matter.
About five weeks ago this girl at work started talking to me. We'd spoken a few times before, and I'd never really thought anything of her, but for some reason she started talking to me, and being playfully physical more and more. Our shifts vary by 3 hours so our lunch breaks and such don't line up. I started to find that when I was going on my break, I'd have a message from her telling me to meet her when I did go on break (she gave me her number, I didn't even have a chance to ask). When she has a day off in the week she usually comes in to town just to hang with me on my lunch (yes, I've done the same thing for her when I've had days off in the week). I mean Christ, she did a night shift and hung around after it for like 2 hours just to chill with me over coffee before I started my usual shift at 8.
Now don't get me wrong, this girl is gorgeous, but I never saw her as anything other than a co-worker (I'm also hesitant of sleeping with/dating people I work with. It's a big retail store and rumours/drama is everywhere) and possible friend; but as I hang out with her more and talk to her more I've realised that I do actually like her.
Sounds like the signs are there right? I should just ask her out already, she's surely dropping all these signs for a reason, surely I'm not reading into this too much? Here's the thing. She's dating her ex. From what she's told me so far (I haven't really asked her too much about her relationship, but she often just offers it up to me anyway), this guy cheated on her twice and she's .... waiting to trust this guy again? I don't know. I don't care, I'm not around to wait or convince or any of that lark.
Seems open and shut, but this rabbit hole gets deeper. She invited me along to a work night out, nothing to read into here, everyone was invited, but she definitely wanted me to come out (I usually don't go to work nights out for various reasons), so I did. I live kinda far away so I had to drive, which meant no drinking, and when she invited me out a couple weeks before I'd said I'd give her a lift back to her place if she wanted (no ulterior motive, just a friendly act).
So I get to this night out, I showed up 30 minutes late because I got held up by something. She immediately moves from her end of the table to sit next to me (literally the opposite side) and is 100% unequivocally flirting with me. She's tipsy, no where near drunk, and I'm trying to keep things neutrally ambiguous (does that even make sense? Like, I'd totally be all over this girl if she was single). Anyway, when it comes to closing hours she goes off to the toilet and literally everyone just looks at me and says "so what's going on between you two eheheheh?" Like, I've been getting these questions at work too, it's gotten to the point where people are assuming something is going on. Somehow the conversation turned to who were the most attractive supervisors in our store, and someone asked her and she literally said that I was, to which someone replied "well we all know you think that".
Anyway, most people go off clubbing and I decide to leave because clubbing while sober is boring, she meanwhile doesn't like clubbing so I give her a lift home. At this point I've just thought fuck it, and played the flirting game back on the drive to her place. We get to her place, and she invites me in to see her dog (background: We both have dogs, dogs are adorable, it's a frequent topic of conversation between us) so I do, with the assumption that I'm only going to hang around for a short while, because god fucking dammit this girl is DATING HER EX.
Now, even though I'd realised that I definitely like this girl and would totally ask her out if she was single, I'd accepted that there was no way we were going to get together. Her and her ex literally talk all. the. time. It's actually scary to be honest, I've never seen two people text each other so fucking much. Like, holy shit, what the fuck are they even talking about (I've since learned that actually they spend a lot of time arguing about shit, I think).
Anyway long story short somehow I end up in her room, on her bed and a pillow fight turns into a tickle session (she figured out that I'm hyper ticklish so fuck it) and Jesus Christ ERA. Things. Got. Physical. She's pulling me in as close as possible to her, fucking anaconda wrapping her legs around me, grinding her thighs and her arms on my crotch.
I had to fucking put an end to it, so I just stopped playing into it as heavily as she was. She kept pulling me on top of her, but I just can't get into it if I know she's in a relationship. I cannot sleep with someone that is in a relationship, I simply can't do it, there is a reason, but that's a different story. We ended up spooning/cuddling for half the night. ERA, you have no idea how difficult it was for me to not make a move that night. Like.... Fuck, man. I mean, right, get this, half way through everything I just mentioned, I made a joke and she jokingly said back "fuck you", so I said, "no, fuck you" and she replies with "later". This was just before she was trying to pull me on top of her.
THE SIGNS ARE THERE, RIGHT? JUST MAKE A MOVE RANDOM CONFESSOR, JUST DO IT. That's what I'd be typing if I was reading this in the thread. I crashed there the entire night, in the morning things were chill, there was no weirdness or awkwardness at all. I told her I'd come in to town on her lunch break if she wanted to hang out and just to let me know (I had the week off), she sent me a message saying she was meeting her ex that day. I think nothing of it, it's nice to know that someone hot wants to fuck me though, silver linings eh?
So that night was Tuesday, Halloween. Come Thursday she lets me know what time she'll be going on her break and to meet her if I'm around. I think fuck it I'll go into town and hang out, things are normal and chill. A few casual mentions and references to that Tuesday night, but for the most part we just hung out. When I leave, she asks me what I'm doing the next day, but remembers something and tells me not to worry (turns out she was meeting her ex, go figure, there's a pattern to this story if you hadn't already noticed).
Cue Friday evening/Saturday morning. I get a text at 00:34 saying "yo what you doing tonight". She asks me if I wanna meet later, so I'm thinking fuck it, sure, I'm curious as to where this is going and I'm still trying to figure out what her goal is here. She invites me out to a fireworks show later that day, and I go along, we have a fun time, buy a pizza and go back to her place. This bit is kinda weird, I won't lie. We just chill on her bed eating pizza and watching a movie, I decided not to initiate any thing like I did before (I initiated the teasing before, but this time it just felt wrong knowing she was dating, so I kept it platonic).
She eventually starts texting her ex, she tells him that I'm there, they get into a fight over it, she gets pretty worked up about it, she also thinks he's cheating on her again. Now, I'm sat there feeling awkward as fuck. I asked her twice if I should leave, because fuck me do they have baggage to sort out. She told me that it was fine and I should stay. Now I do actually care about her, so I did stick around to make sure she was alright. Anyway like 10 minutes later I just left because she had to phone this guy and sort her shit out. She tells me to text her when I get home so she knows I got home safe, so I did, and she apologises and says she'll make it up to me. To which I just told her not to worry about it and asked if she was alright.
So now I'm in this weird spot. I'm pretty fucking sure she likes me, but it's also abundantly clear that she's still in love with her ex that she's unofficially dating. Like I said, I don't want to mess around, I'm not going to wait around, but I do like her. The only possible solutions I can come up with are that I should either A: ghost her, which won't work because we work together and also that's a really shitty thing to do to someone you get on so well with, so that's not really an option. And B: tell her how I feel about her and that we've gotta stop hanging out because it just won't work while she's not single and continuing to hang out is only going to cause pain. I don't feel as if I'm being played against this other guy, I've seen situations like that before and this definitely isn't that. I wondered if I was perhaps a rebound, but given that they are dating, that doesn't make much sense.
I have no idea what her motive is. Should I just ask her/tell her? I've never been in a situation even remotely as complicated as this.