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women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?
- Thread starter hydrophilic attack
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Not harassing people at work isn't common sense? So I guess all the people who asked me out when I was bartending where a compliment right? You've defaulted to the defensive after admitting to doing something that many women has disagreed to and think is predatory. The only response that doesn't make sense is your own. Yes you have contrary experiences but you're justifying some pretty awful things.
I'd probably be just fine. Social media doesn't really add value to my life.
I'm not justifying anything. I am trying to align my experiences with the experience of others.
Your gross misrepresentation of my posts continues to be horrible.
This very forum is a social media platform. With user names instead of real names.
Lol yep, these threads always turn into the men talking to the men rather than listening to the women.
Y'all have NO IDEA HOW TERRIFYING it can be to simply say "no" to someone, think about how and why that could have come to be...
How is it misrepresentation? You asked out a women at work, this is seen by many as harassment. You've not engaged with others when they've brought up why it is wrong. Earlier in the thread you agreed with me that work place harassment is wrong. What am I meant to say back to it when you keep ignoring us?
I was cold approached a few times when I was in the US, a couple of times while riding a lift in Killington and I thought it was pretty cool actually, but that has more to do with the fact that I loved having conversations with native English speakers while I was in the US, here in Peru I'm not so sure, guess it depends on where I am exactly. Last time I was cold approached I was at a party and this girl approached me because a coworker of hers is a friend of mine from HS and he did mention me a few times it seemed, so she was surprised to meet me like that out of the blue.
Men keeping on screaming that social media is at fault and making women ~unable to cope with the real world~ are something else. Harassment isn't new, nor is men's feeling of entitlement to women's attention - all of this discussion predates social media by a long, long time.
Much easier for dudes to go all ~I am so above it all, not unlike social media zombies~ to evade acknowledging that their behavior is making the world a worse place for half the population on a constrant basis.
The state of the industry shows that well, yeah. You probably think that's a good thing, though. Meritocracy, amirite?
And then there's monkeyball's post.
The men wondering why women are so ~wary~ about men and how unfair this is, look at monkeyball's post and look what exactly he is saying here. That's why.
Much easier for dudes to go all ~I am so above it all, not unlike social media zombies~ to evade acknowledging that their behavior is making the world a worse place for half the population on a constrant basis.
The state of the industry shows that well, yeah. You probably think that's a good thing, though. Meritocracy, amirite?
And then there's monkeyball's post.
The men wondering why women are so ~wary~ about men and how unfair this is, look at monkeyball's post and look what exactly he is saying here. That's why.
Workplace harassment is wrong. I didn't harass the girl I asked out and she would tell you the same. I've engaged with plenty of people ITT regarding their view on asking out a person in this specific instance, and I've listened to all of those who have told me they don't like it. I also have experience working in the industry where I have listened to women who have said contrary things.
I'm not even close to doing whet you suggest I am.
Why do you assume that? I'm trying to align my experiences with what's being told ITT, I don't understand why some of you are being so hostile.
Also I'm tired of being lumped in with men, so I'm not even going to correct that any more.
I'm not seeing your point.
I know that Era is a form of social media, anonymity isn't the only thing that separates it from the likes of Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Forums predate such devices, and there's a reason they are still used even in this social media age.
Way to completely miss the point while dishonestly reframing it.
I wonder why many women on Era feel dismissed when we're asked our opinion. Sure is a mystery.
You've made your points. Time for the thread to move forward from this. Thank you.
Back when I was single I only did when it was natural and organic. The sort of situation where there is mutual eye contact and smiling, or a conversation just natually happened. I'm not sure if I can lable that "cold" exactly, except to say it wasn't at a bar/party/whatever. It helped that I was more on the shy side and cat calling or lingering stares aren't at all my thing.
I can't respond to you directly as you've made your profile private, but what am I supposed to do when people keep asking me? I'm not allowed to reply to them from here?
Yeah... I have heard this from a very close friend which further confuses me.
I am not one to just approach girls or anyone out of the blue, she asked me, "why are guys so scared of me?"
And I wasn't really sure how to respond. I think it's odd to just think people should just give you their attention.
I don't do it and never have.
I imagine that the context of women being approached/whistled/catcalled etc must be annoying to some degree or other and I just don't want to add to that pile of crap.
Also if the roles where to really be reversed dudes wouldn't only have to deal with a load of people they aren't attractive too but also someone who could potentially be a threat.
I feel the thread kinda missed that important part.
I imagine that the context of women being approached/whistled/catcalled etc must be annoying to some degree or other and I just don't want to add to that pile of crap.
Also if the roles where to really be reversed dudes wouldn't only have to deal with a load of people they aren't attractive too but also someone who could potentially be a threat.
I feel the thread kinda missed that important part.
I get along with most people, so physical attraction is easily the most important factor for me in wanting to date someone. That's not objectification in the slightest. Because I acknowledge someone as attractive does not mean I'll fail to see them as a person.
Striking up a natural conversation with someone standing next to you is fine. Approaching a woman to just hit on them randomly is creepy and unwanted. Don't do it. This is coming from personal experience.
That's totally fine, just...
-don't be a dick
-know how to read signs and back off if they don't want to be talked to(I feel like a ton of men don't know how to do this at all)
-remember that many people who are open to chatting with someone in public aren't necessarily looking for a date and might just be a jolly extrovert who is open to talking to you
-also, don't be a dick
No one is telling you to do anything.
Maybe just read the posts of the women who have responded and learn from it what you can.
This is not about you.
Okay, so I'm hostile to you, and you feel bad.
If a forum comment can make you feel bad, surely you realize that a parade of dudes hitting on a woman, with her having zero knowledge if any one of these guys will stalk/Harass/attack her or sabotage her career if she is too nice/not nice enough, would be far worse. And armed with that empathy, you should be able to realize why hitting on random women may not be the nicest thing.
After all, my forum comment to you was already "hostile". How would a woman feel after dealing with dude after dude harass.... trying to pick her up, hm?
Woman: "Maybe stop harassing us and making us feel unsafe"
Man: "But how can I date her?"
Disconnect hardcore.
Look, MindofKB, you can just not randomly try to date random women. You can actually be a normal person, interact with women like you'd interact with any random dude you're interacting with, and if you two mesh well, by then you'd already know if you'd want to date her, and how receptive she might be, if you actually try to take her perspective into account, and wouldn't just focus on how you, specifically, can get laid as the main problem.
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The idea that I got from the thread is that it's not ok to do at all.
But my usual line of thinking goes like this:
1) See physically attractive woman (Nice hair, smile, body, whatever)
2) Confirm with myself that I'd like to be with physically attractive woman
3) Approach physically attractive woman and strike up conversation (Because I don't know anything else about her)
4) Learn about her to decide if I should continue to pursue (Do our personalities match up? Do we have similar interests? Is she single, taken, or not interested?)
5) Ask for her number or part ways based on step 4.
Is that creepy?
...Are you serious right now? Here's an idea, maybe women would like to be left alone and consider how they feel bother bothering them? Especially out in public and not in a social setting?
Sorry about that. Seems like most are saying it's not a good idea to approach someone just to get a phone number.
That should be the takeaway if you're actually reading the responses by women.
Yes you probably should not walk up to a woman in public just to get her phone number....
Some are ok with it, most aren't. At least in this thread
Almost all have said it has to be more than just waltzing up and asking for a number.
May come as a shock.... but women don't want to be approached all the time
It's totally fine. Everyone will have their opinions, but at the end of the day it's important to be informed and be conscious of the fact that not everyone wants to be talked to or hit on. As long as people can take that knowledge from this thread the world will be a slightly better place.
I literally get the feeling that many men see hitting on women in public as needing to break a few eggs to make an omelette... and i'd like to think this would cause them to consider what that means but hey.
Pretty much this. You're never going to have some kind of asexual society where people don't interact for the purposes of looking for relationships. Wanting to interact for the purpose of having a relationship is a core part of being a human being (or virtually any other animal species).
Just have some tact when you do it.
Most men won't approach anyway, it's not freaking easy to do, for most men it's not pleasant to try to do, it takes some gumption to walk up to someone you're attracted to and try to manufacture a conversation out of nothing.
But you don't know if she'd like to be left alone until you actually know.
I've struck up conversations casually with women and they weren't responsive.
I've also struck up conversations casually with women in public that led to a relationship.
Yes, it's silly to assume that all women want to talk to a random stranger, but isn't it also silly to assume that all women want to be left alone?
I don't feel bad for your specific hostility actually. I was talking about your combative/snarky assumption about "Meritocracy, amirtie?"
I fully understand all of the things you've written, and I understood them before entering this thread.
I mean...from the women posting here telling you all to stop, I'd say I could say I know.
Straight dudes in threads like this acting like dating is IMPOSSIBLE without hitting on every women in the city are just so weird to me.
Hey, there's LGBT people. We also like having dates. We can't hit on everyone - it'd get us killed, like, literally. Not "guy is sad because woman rejected him" killed, actual murdered killed.
We still find dates. Weird! It's almost as if it was perfectly possible to date people without hitting on random people in completely inappropriate places. Like, sheesh, you already are on dating easy mode, and you still can't even consider that "random shots in the dark until someone bites" isn't the best, most viable option?
There are SO many options to find dates that aren't "harass random women until a phone number falls out". So, so many.
Hey, there's LGBT people. We also like having dates. We can't hit on everyone - it'd get us killed, like, literally. Not "guy is sad because woman rejected him" killed, actual murdered killed.
We still find dates. Weird! It's almost as if it was perfectly possible to date people without hitting on random people in completely inappropriate places. Like, sheesh, you already are on dating easy mode, and you still can't even consider that "random shots in the dark until someone bites" isn't the best, most viable option?
There are SO many options to find dates that aren't "harass random women until a phone number falls out". So, so many.
Pretty much same thing happened in the old forum. Men ask for women's thoughts, majority of male posters ignore the posts by women and continue insisting on their point of view.
Took 2 minute for you to literally prove my assessment here correct, impressive.