women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?

Omegamon · Nov 7, 2018

The Kree said:
For what? They won't read or understand it.

They read them and still think it's wrong. I mean, this thread was FOR WOMAN, asking them their opinions and a swarm of men came saying how wrogn they were because they didn't like the answers of the women in this thread. I checked some pages and I haven't seen a woman saying cold approaching good but still, "muh man feelings", "muh dick :("

Soran · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Most would be flattered.

No, they fucking wouldn't whatever they could said here. Specially if the guy was bigger and taller than them.

Mahonay · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Most would be flattered.

Oh well that settles it

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

Soran said:
No, they fucking wouldn't whatever they could said here. Specially if the guy was bigger and taller than them.

Women get hit on all the time and it gets old for them, most men don't so why wouldn't they be?

Trojita · Nov 7, 2018

Soran said:
No, they fucking wouldn't whatever they could said here. Specially if the guy was bigger and taller than them.

You think straight men on here are homophobic or something?

Omegamon · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Women get hit on all the time and it gets old for them, most men don't so why wouldn't they be?

because homophobia? Yeah, sure men would be flattered being hit by a gay man, sure. Not that gay men would hit them, they pronbably have better taste.

Xaszatm · Nov 7, 2018

excelsiorlef said:

As someone who isn't a wrestling fan...what am I looking at exactly?

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

Omegamon said:
because homophobia? Yeah, sure men would be flattered being hit by a gay man, sure.

I don't really get what you're saying, it's okay to be gay

Jill Sandwich · Nov 7, 2018

Xaszatm said:
As someone who isn't a wrestling fan...what am I looking at exactly?

Someone with a thigh where his neck should be.

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

Xaszatm said:
As someone who isn't a wrestling fan...what am I looking at exactly?

Lance Storm the most charismatic wrestler in the world, and a super duper Canadian

T'was my way of saying I'm Canadian, post I was replying to was also a wrestling reference

Omegamon · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
I don't really get what you're saying, it's okay to be gay

of course :)

Soran · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Women get hit on all the time and it gets old for them, most men don't so why wouldn't they be?

jfc why you guys need SO bad to hide your butthurt over what women said in a thread made for women that you resort to make "ironic" joke post that no one asked for? Why are you in this thread in the first place? Walk away if you are gonna get so anal.

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

Soran said:
jfc why you guys need SO bad to hide your butthurt over what women said in a thread made for women that you resort to make "ironic" joke post that no one asked for? Why are you in this thread in the first place? Walk away if you are gonna get so anal.

I don't cold approach women, but if someone cold approached me I'd be flattered. Not that hard to understand.

Sunster · Nov 7, 2018

excelsiorlef said:

His neck is as thick as a tree trunk...

Soran · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
I don't cold approach women, but if someone cold approached me I'd be flattered. Not that hard to understand.

Go make your own thread then. This wasn't for you in the first place.

MeaningOfKarma · Nov 7, 2018

I get this kind of thing as a man from both women and gay guys, and I find it irritating and off putting 100% of the time.

Don't do it. If you're going to approach a stranger, just do it with the intention of having a brief chat and nothing else.

Deleted member 32374 · Nov 7, 2018

Question: If women ITT have had success with their husbands/bfs with cold-ball-striking, are there any Gay Eranians who can chime in if they followed the same protocol or if it was something slightly different?

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

Soran said:
Go make your own thread then. This wasn't for you in the first place.

Oh, you're one of those people..

Consensual · Nov 7, 2018

FeistyBoots said:
Every. Single. Time.

That's a disgrace then, it really shouldn't be like this. Nothing but sympathy for all the women on here (and elsewhere) who have to put up with this stuff time after time.

excelsiorlef said:
And this also btw is why the gaming community will never be a welcoming place for women.

I mean ya'll can't be relied on for shit.

excelsiorlef said:
Gosh I just can't figure out why so many men seem to really relate to incels on this forum, it's so hard to figure out why.

It's pretty depressing that this is how it is, even on a place like this.

Xaszatm said:
The funny part is that we're now on "what if one hypothetical person succeeds"? Not even real people, we're down to the idea. Like, it's getting sadder and sadder.

I'm not surprised by that, this is the same place where white people were tripping over themselves to defend and explain Michael Scott's racism. They couldn't even call out a fictional racist. Too many people will go to new lengths for just the hypothetical idea of "boys will be boys".

excelsiorlef said:
Let organic conversations happen rather than going after digits

They're going to think you're talking crazy now, that's an alien concept to some... What next? Treat people like people?!

Omegamon · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Oh, you're one of those people..

lmao you are sooo upset abou the women in this thread, pathetic

weemadarthur · Nov 7, 2018

Shandy said:
Tell them that they must track down my father, guardian of my womanhood, and complete the heroic quest assigned to them, whereupon I shall grant them my hand in marriage

Empress of ice cream said:
My boyfriend happens to agree. 2 is a perfectly valid sample size.

Morrigan said:
my bf said ur dumb

excelsiorlef said:
i met my last two boyfriends by kicking them in the balls at the supermarket, I'm not gonna stop.

I love you all.

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

Omegamon said:
lmao you are sooo upset abou the women in this thread, pathetic

I don't contribute to their misery, so my take is perfectly valid

FeistyBoots · Nov 7, 2018

sersteven said:
Men have this crazy cognitive dissidence where they imagine the scenario like this, for any kind of orientation:

- the people who approach them are all attractive/good looking/fall into their range of features they like
- the people who approach them are all kind and sweet
- the people who approach them are like-minded individuals who want the same thing as they do.

Its a crazy situation that is proliferated both by portrayals in decades of popular media on every level (books, radio, television, movies, theatre, etc) and also by the unfortunate unfair physiological dichotomy that exists between men and women.

Most men don't have to worry about the person coming onto them being stronger and faster than them. The average male even has less to worry about other males too, since even the most lopsided physical encounters there aren't as one-sided. This is also amplified by the frequency of this phenomenon. Women deal with cold encounters much more often, so are much more hardened to the reality of a potential physical encounter with someone. This is something a woman thinks about potentially every time they're in a situation where they have the potential to make a male in close proximity immediately upset with them. This rarely happens with men, so even if it DOES happen, its an outlier.

Men even have an easy deflection for counter arguments. It's easy for a man to say off the cuff that they wouldn't care even if a person (generally a woman) they found unattractive were to come onto them, as its a rarer occurrence, there are no fear-based reactions, and if anything all this does is stroke a male ego more. This all falls back to the power dynamics at play.

Nobody wants to be cold encountered. This is only perpetuated because it works in fairy tales and is pushed through media. Just because an attractive guy can be successful in sexually harassing a woman into a date doesn't mean that its a signifier than all women want it.

Basically, the creepster assholes who think cold approaches are okay don't recognize their male privilege to disregard women's feelings on the matter.

Soran · Nov 7, 2018

Trojita said:
You think straight men on here are homophobic or something?

Yes

PhilosopherDirtBike · Nov 7, 2018

This seems relevant to this thread

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
I don't contribute to their misery, so my take is perfectly valid

Your posts in here contribute to women's misery though so

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

PhilosopherDirtBike said:
This seems relevant to this thread

"Do you want to go on a date with me to Kroger?"

Mib · Nov 7, 2018

To the women of era, what's the difference between a guy trying a cold approach, and a guy just having a casual conversation with a stranger? I get that it's different depending on where you live, but where I live it sometimes feels impossible to go out and not talk to a couple people. People have brought up public vs social spaces, but they're kind of the same thing here.

I've never gone up to a random girl or guy with the intention of dating them, but if I'm bored and less antisocial than usual, I'll go talk to people to pass the time. Other than someone being overly persistent or upfront/overt about wanting to date you, what's the difference?

Omegamon · Nov 7, 2018

PhilosopherDirtBike said:
This seems relevant to this thread

the one who walks away first tho

Mib said:
To the women of era, what's the difference between a guy trying a cold approach, and a guy just having a casual conversation with a stranger?

We know it, don't worry. If you just want a casual conversation we will know.

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

excelsiorlef said:
Your posts in here contribute to women's misery though so

If y'all can't handle different opinions then you have bigger problems than what was posted in the OP.

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
If y'all can't handle different opinions then you have bigger problems than what was posted in the OP.

We can handle it.... doesn't mean you're not adding to the misery jar.

HyperFerret · Nov 7, 2018

Mib said:
To the women of era, what's the difference between a guy trying a cold approach, and a guy just having a casual conversation with a stranger?

A guy who comments on my looks within the first three sentences.
A guy who asks if I have a boyfriend as an opener.
A guy who has some friends off to the side who are (silently) cheering him on.
A wingman who makes it obvious he's a wingman.
A guy who walks up with a drink (intending to give me one).
A guy who is physically blocking me in some way.

I don't trust these types.

Casual conversation is more like, waiting in a queue and commenting about things that tend to some up in normal small talk. Or you know, anything that isn't talking about me.

meow · Nov 7, 2018

FeistyBoots said:
Basically, the creepster assholes who think cold approaches are okay don't recognize their male privilege to disregard women's feelings on the matter.

I think instead of imagining that they're being approached by instagram models or sexy gamer chicks or whatever fantasy is playing out in their heads, they should imagine that they are being approached by the female-but-otherwise-identical version of the other guys posting in this thread saying they support these antics, and then evaluate how much they like the scenario.

Dragnipur · Nov 7, 2018

excelsiorlef said:
We can handle it.... doesn't mean you're not adding to the misery jar.

Well in that case, if me saying "I don't mind when I get cold approached" adds to your misery jar, I don't care.

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

Dragnipur said:
Well in that case, if me saying "I don't mind when I get cold approached" adds to your misery jar, I don't care.

Fret not your lack of capacity to care was never in question here by anyone.

Soran · Nov 7, 2018

HyperFerret said:
A guy who comments on my looks within the first three sentences.
A guy who asks if I have a boyfriend as an opener.

This is the bigger one. Any vague mention about you having a boyfriend active my fight-or-fligh sense. Actually I don't trust anyone who ask that shit because is homophobic.

psychowave · Nov 7, 2018

this "if a woman isn't interested i'll just move on!!" shit shows how little y'all understand. when you're a woman and some rando approaches you, it never is as easy as "sorry i'm not interested". you never know if he'll back down. you never know if he'll stop bothering you. honestly? you never know if you won't get raped and killed. and that might seem like an exaggeration, but the point is that it happens often enough that it's always a possibility in our heads. you men really don't understand how much energy we put in interacting with you in such a way that it'll minimize the probability that we'll get raped.

to you, the situation might look like "i approached a woman, she said she wasn't interested and i just moved on, it's all good". to her, the picture is a lot different.

Soran said:
Also stop assuming every woman is heterosexual.

also this

i-hate-u · Nov 7, 2018

psychowave said:
this "if a woman isn't interested i'll just move on!!" shit shows how little y'all understand. when you're a woman and some rando approaches you, it never is as easy as "sorry i'm not interested". you never know if he'll back down. you never know if he'll stop bothering you. honestly? you never know if you won't get raped and killed. and that might seem like an exaggeration, but the point is that it happens often enough that it's always a possibility in our heads. you men really don't understand how much energy we put in interacting with you in such a way that it'll minimize the probability that we'll get raped.

to you, the situation might look like "i approached a woman, she said she wasn't interested and i just moved on, it's all good". to her, the picture is a lot different.

As someone who didn't grow up in a western culture, this idea was very obvious to our society where I am from, and is ingrained in it. It's funny how the Western call themselves so advanced yet can't understand the basic biological differences between Men and Women.

Deleted member 8752 · Nov 7, 2018

mentallyinept said:
Cold Approaching, as in:

- no prior meeting
- no introduction (usually from a mutual friend)
- no affiliation (work, hobby, etc.)
- no existing situation for meeting random people (mixer, potluck, speed dating (does this still exist?), etc.)
- they have said nothing to you, shared a furtive glance multiple times, or some other extremely obvious outward expression of attraction (this is very rare unless you are a movie star or incredibly good looking)
- starting a conversation with the explicit intention of picking them up

Has a near zero chance of leaving any kind of impression other than outing you as a creepy bastard. It's a heartbeat away from cat-calling.

Regardless of what you think, most [fill-in gender\sex\expression combination you are attracted to here] are just trying to get through their day. Ya know, a human being. Like you.

Having said all of that, I'm not suggesting that you never talk to a person of the [fill-in gender\sex\expression combination you are attracted to here] in any situation. By all means, if you know someone that you are attracted to in one of the reversed situations defined above, say "hey", "how ya been?", "crazy party right?", "man [authority figure] is such as asshole, right", etc. Strike up a conversation. Build a rapport, and ask them out if it's not an inappropriate situation (position of power, event where you really shouldn't be picking someone up, etc.).

It's not that hard, really.

Sensible post. Sums up my stance.

Xaszatm · Nov 7, 2018

psychowave said:
this "if a woman isn't interested i'll just move on!!" shit shows how little y'all understand. when you're a woman and some rando approaches you, it never is as easy as "sorry i'm not interested". you never know if he'll back down. you never know if he'll stop bothering you. honestly? you never know if you won't get raped and killed. and that might seem like an exaggeration, but the point is that it happens often enough that it's always a possibility in our heads. you men really don't understand how much energy we put in interacting with you in such a way that it'll minimize the probability that we'll get raped.

to you, the situation might look like "i approached a woman, she said she wasn't interested and i just moved on, it's all good". to her, the picture is a lot different.

also this

But somehow men have it worse because our fragile little egos will be devastated if we aren't coddled at every second.

/s

Still can't believe someone made that BS equivalence.

Deleted member 48897 · Nov 7, 2018

psychowave said:
this "if a woman isn't interested i'll just move on!!" shit shows how little y'all understand. when you're a woman and some rando approaches you, it never is as easy as "sorry i'm not interested". you never know if he'll back down. you never know if he'll stop bothering you. honestly? you never know if you won't get raped and killed. and that might seem like an exaggeration, but the point is that it happens often enough that it's always a possibility in our heads. you men really don't understand how much energy we put in interacting with you in such a way that it'll minimize the probability that we'll get raped.

to you, the situation might look like "i approached a woman, she said she wasn't interested and i just moved on, it's all good". to her, the picture is a lot different.

This is sort of the corollary to why I don't want to encourage a sort of "well, it's OK if you're, fucking, I dunno, Idris Elba" attitude to this. Plenty of superficially charming abusive assholes out there (not to imply anything about the character of Idris Elba in particular, mind, who for all I know is actually a cool guy in real life), and it's also not like attractiveness is an immutable or universal quality rather than being a very subjective decision.

Android Sophia · Nov 7, 2018

Mib said:
To the women of era, what's the difference between a guy trying a cold approach, and a guy just having a casual conversation with a stranger? I get that it's different depending on where you live, but where I live it sometimes feels impossible to go out and not talk to a couple people. People have brought up public vs social spaces, but they're kind of the same thing here.

I've never gone up to a random girl or guy with the intention of dating them, but if I'm bored and less antisocial than usual, I'll go talk to people to pass the time. Other than someone being overly persistent or upfront/overt about wanting to date you, what's the difference?

I guess the biggest difference is that guys trying the cold approach make the conversation about the people in it, regardless of what the actual topic is. Where as guys who are actually interested in having a conversation make it about the conversation itself.

To give you an example, when I was on campus, the first week I didn't have internet in my dorm room. So I had to use my phone to go watch the latest episodes of Boruto. Which meant leaving my dorm room and finding a spot on campus that had a good signal. When I was there, a guy approached me and started conversation with me. Ostensibly, the topic was about Boruto, Naruto, and Anime, but everything he said came around to being about him or me. Like that it was cool that I liked Boruto/Naruto/Anime for example, what my favorite kinds of anime were, and such. Eventually, he dropped all pretenses and made it clear he wanted to be friends, and that he'd like to talk again in the future. Thankfully, I was able to imply without much issue that I had a boyfriend already, and he didn't seem like the kind of person who would react negatively (he was fairly soft spoken and civil, unlike a lot of men who try this approach), but the situation still left me feeling a little bit creeped out.

Deleted member 46641 · Nov 7, 2018

I get pretty on edge immediately. A couple of people that abused me started by doing that.

Famassu · Nov 7, 2018

MindofKB said:
I've been reading through a lot of the comments here and I'm kinda confused.

If I, a man, see an attractive woman in public, I'm not supposed to approach her if I want to date her?

Don't approach random women in public who are out to do some random business and have given no indication of being interested in you or even having noticed you at all. If you want to pick up women, bars and other kind of casual social gatherings exist for that type of thing (if bars aren't your thing, take dancing classes or begin to visit some other hobby gatherings and see if you can find someone through those venues, though even then don't be too aggressive about it, let people have a safe space to practice their hobby and only ask if someone seems genuinely interested in you). Don't harass random women on the streets when they are likely to prefer to just be able to run errands/go on with their lives un-harassed by thirsty men who think they can sneak up to a woman and get a number to set up a date.

Messofanego · Nov 7, 2018

BlackGoku03 said:
But it's funny, a lot of men would be receptive to it if reversed.

AM_LIGHT said:
As a man I absolutely have no problem being approached by women all day everyday.

Only because the power dynamic is towards straight men. Imagine a world where women were physically stronger and chased men down blocks, catcalled them in a higher frequency, slutshamed, threatened with rape and violence after rejections, etc.

Actually there's a French film by Eleanore Pourriat all about that kind of alternative world, I Am Not An Easy Man.

hydrophilic attack · Nov 7, 2018

Finale Fireworker said:
The biggest irony of this topic is that all of the advice about how to talk to women, how to meet women, and how to impress women, comes from men giving advice to other men. All these recommendations come from guys who think they are knowledgeable about women because they've had sex with them. Men trust these recommendations from other men more than they trust recommendations from actual women.

So when women say "I don't like this," some men don't know how to respond other than attempting to vacuum-seal the point of view. You must be an exception, they say. You don't speak for all women, they say. They become defensive of learned norms because they cannot conceive an alternative. They have never had to. If told to change the way they approach women for dates, they don't know what to change it to, because men have been giving each other advice on how to do this for generations.

The tragedy here is that for all the intention some men have to learn how to talk to women, listening to them apparently is not a priority.

having read this kind of pua "advice" a few years back (though mostly being too shy back then to put it into practice) i feel like maybe i can speak for why this paradox happens. it's a combination of a few things actually

1. these guides and videos are generally addressed to lonely guys without much of a social circle so they likely don't have many friends, whether male or female (but especially not female) to consult

2. these people are trying to upsell their readers all the time. the free blog posts and videos are there to sell you on their newsletter, on their e-book, on their personal coaching courses. to get people to part with their money, they're making a hard sale predicated on the fact that they have unique knowledge that you can get nowhere else. "don't listen to your friends. especially don't listen to your girl friends. they don't know the secret paths into the pants of hotties and cuties everywhere" that only this particular dating coach/guru/sensei knows

3. the "systems", "game plans" and "strategies" that these people sell are built on a foundation of misogyny. and the incel-types that are the intended target audience also tend to have misogynistic views. as such, it is easy to sell the idea that "women don't really know what they want". as such, they say, you shouldn't listen to what women say they want, how they say they want to be approached, because those silly irrational females really can't be expected to think straight about what they actually want. as such, one shouldn't listen to what one's female friends say. one should only listen to the secret alpha knowledge of the dating coach/master/mentor/shaman to learn the mystical inner workings of the female

4. when people who have bought into these ideas get confronted with contradictory evidence, the sunken cost fallacy kicks in. if you observe that the methods don't work for you, you just haven't fully understood them yet and/or just need to work harder and harass even more women. if women tell you to stop and at length explain how your behaviour is toxic and damaging, then maybe you'll feel bad for awhile, but chances are in the end you'll go back to thinking that eventually the methods will give you success, so then does it really matter if a few eggs are crushed along the way? after all, once you realize that you've been following junk advice for so long, you'll have to confront the fact all that time, energy and money spent was wasted, and you won't get them back .you'll have to confront the fact that when you thought you were being "courageous" and "alpha", you were actually just being a creep all that time. and that can be quite a difficult thing to take in!

Deleted member 8752 · Nov 7, 2018

sabrina · Nov 7, 2018

jkm23 said:
Question: If women ITT have had success with their husbands/bfs with cold-ball-striking, are there any Gay Eranians who can chime in if they followed the same protocol or if it was something slightly different?

No. I don't like when women cold approach me either, although that's been super rare. I met my wife ages ago at a youth group event, and we were just friends for a long time.

mael · Nov 7, 2018

Messofanego said:
Only because the power dynamic is towards straight men. Imagine a world where women were physically stronger and chased men down blocks, catcalled them in a higher frequency, slutshamed, threatened with rape and violence after rejections, etc.

Actually there's a French film by Eleanore Pourriat all about that kind of alternative world, I Am Not An Easy Man.

That movie is great although I don't really like the ending.
A friend played a minor role in it too.

excelsiorlef · Nov 7, 2018

i-hate-u said:
As someone who didn't grow up in a western culture, this idea was very obvious to our society where I am from, and is ingrained in it. It's funny how the Western call themselves so advanced yet can't understand the basic biological differences between Men and Women.

Hey... why are you making this a Western thing as if women's privacy and right not to be harassed is so respected outside the West.

You've made some posts in here that show that you kind of get it but this, this is just a bit much dude. Women not wanting to be harassed aren't pawns for your little feud against The West.

women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?

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