women of era, how do you feel about being "cold approached"?

sabrina said:

If you've been making eyes and friendly glances at each other, it's no longer a cold approach.

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Hmmm. That makes sense.

I'm guessing the "cold" part is just randomly coming up on a woman unexpectedly. I can see the issues with that.

Most of the guys I know that have made cold approach their way of life, and have had consistent success with it, often say "Don't listen to what women say they want or don't want. You'll get nowhere", buuuuuuut.....I really don't like the idea of giving a woman unwanted attention, either. The answers from the women in this thread are the main reasons why I never participated in cold approach. Mainly out of respect for their personal space.

I've been cold approached a good amount...and as enjoyable as it is, I know it can't compare to the opposite side of this.

Doctrine Dark said:

Most of the guys I know that have made cold approach their way of life, and have had consistent success with it, often say "Don't listen to what women say they want or don't want. You'll get nowhere",

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These men suck

psychowave said:

"ladies, how do you feel about being cold approached?"
"as a man, approaching women is so nerve-wracking :("

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"Ladies, how did you feel about being cold approached?"

The ONE male who got in a successful relationship via cold approaching: "Clearly it's okay because it worked for me and we can ignore things like time, place, mood, body language, etc"

FUME5 said:

Round and round we go.

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That doesn't answer the question.

Mest08 said:

Can you explain how talking to somebody is harassment.

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Once someone doesn't leave you alone when it was clear you didn't want to talk to them.

HyperFerret said:

Once someone doesn't leave you alone when it was clear you didn't want to talk to them.

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But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.

Vincent Alexander said:

Can't it be a personality and a systemic issue? Or cultural. It seems to oversimplify to say one or the other when there are tons of factors at play.

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Systemic encompasses a wide area of issues (Do you mean localised?), don't pick semantics when you entered with a negative view.

Mest08 said:

Can you explain how talking to somebody is harassment.

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This is a thread about a predatory dating technique where many women have explained their issues with it. This is not just a casual conversation, women have been assaulted and killed for rejecting advances. Many men don't understand no or rejection, and lack the ability to leave us alone in our day to day lives. Approaching women solely for personal gain in a relationship, is not comfortable for us at all.

Mest08 said:

But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.

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It's still harassment. I've had men pull off my headphones or try to get me to look up from my book or phone just to talk to me.

Mest08 said:

That doesn't answer the question.

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It's been answered many, many times in this thread. But you wanna come in with some 'How is it harassment? I'm just trying to talk' dumb shit.

Mest08 said:

Can you explain how talking to somebody is harassment.

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If your only goal when talking to the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your thing) is to get in their pants and there's no prior interactions of any kind and it's not a social situation where it's generally accepted for people to try to hook up, then there's a high chance you are harassing a person who doesn't want to be approached by thirsty-ass you.

And no, just "talking to" someone isn't harassment, don't be dumb. No one is saying that. This thread is about harassing complete strangers for a date/their phone number in a setting that generally isn't meant for that. Some random woman that you find attractive walking past you on the streets isn't an invitation to try to get laid.

Mest08 said:

But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.

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No. Stop. Just assume a woman doesn't want to be bothered in the first place unless she's been giving signs to the contrary. You don't get to shoot first and ask questions later.

Mest08 said:

But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.

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are you incapable of reading through this thread because this question has been answered about 53 times

What is even a woman anyway, if you really think about it men are the true women and should be the end-all decider of women's feelings

HyperFerret said:

It's still harassment. I've had men pull off my headphones or try to get me to look up from my book or phone just to talk to me.

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Well, yeah, that's going too far. But I fail to see how talking to someone is harassment. I talk to people all the time. Not trying to get dates or anything, just passing the time. Like if I'm standing waiting for a train right next to somebody I'll chit chat. Or waiting in lines at stores, amusement parks, etc.

But I guess we're just arguing semantics and this type of conversation isn't what the thread is about so I apologize. But I do think when posters say something like, congrats, you've chose being nervous over harassment, it's very condescending.

psychowave said:

are you incapable of reading through this thread because this question has been answered about 53 times

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I mean selective obtuseness is the more probably answer anyhow.

Mest08 said:

Well, yeah, that's going too far. But I fail to see how talking to someone is harassment. I talk to people all the time. Not trying to get dates or anything, just passing the time. Like if I'm standing waiting for a train right next to somebody I'll chit chat. Or waiting in lines at stores, amusement parks, etc.

But I guess we're just arguing semantics and this type of conversation isn't what the thread is about so I apologize. But I do think when posters say something like, congrats, you've chose being nervous over harassment, it's very condescending.

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The OP, once again, is about talking to someone who hasn't give any hint of attraction or desire to talk for the sole purpose of getting her number.

I like to cold approach by walking up to them and telling them a random fact like a dew beater is a shoe and a insult and then run away. I feel it makes me come off as mysterious, she'll wonder how I came across this info 'how does he know about dewbeaters, he is a historian, a shoemaker or a time traveler.'. It'll create an air of mystery making me come off like Batman, Edward or Jack the Ripper.

Mest08 said:

But by that definition, a cold approach would be okay as long as you leave the person alone if it's clear you dont want to be bothered.

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It's not. A woman walking down the street alone is not an invitation to harass them for a number/date. Just generally assume not every woman in the world is there to be hit on by you anywhere, anytime. Let people go ahead with their errands/life without making the assumption they need to be approached by you. Someone who is reading a book, listening to music or generally not making any kind of effort to observe/get the attention of people around them generally aren't there for you to go try your flirting game on.

I don't approach people randomly at all in public places. I only talk to strangers at the store to the employee working the cash register, my server at a restaurant, etc.

Doukou said:

I like to cold approach by walking up to them and telling them a random fact like a dew beater is a shoe and a insult and then run away. I feel it makes me come off as mysterious, she'll wonder how I came across this info 'how does he know about dewbeaters, he is a historian, a shoemaker or a time traveler.'. It'll create an air of mystery making me come off like Batman, Edward or Jack the Ripper.

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How DID you learn about dewbeaters?

FUME5 said:

Round and round we go.

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When will it stop? NEVAH!

Mest08 said:

Well, yeah, that's going too far. But I fail to see how talking to someone is harassment. I talk to people all the time. Not trying to get dates or anything, just passing the time. Like if I'm standing waiting for a train right next to somebody I'll chit chat. Or waiting in lines at stores, amusement parks, etc.

But I guess we're just arguing semantics and this type of conversation isn't what the thread is about so I apologize. But I do think when posters say something like, congrats, you've chose being nervous over harassment, it's very condescending.

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Woe is me. I walked into a thread not understanding its purpose and not getting a feel for the conversation, asking something to be explained that's already been explained several dozen times, and some of the replies were condescending. Poor me, the true victim here.

Mest08 said:

Well, yeah, that's going too far. But I fail to see how talking to someone is harassment. I talk to people all the time. Not trying to get dates or anything, just passing the time. Like if I'm standing waiting for a train right next to somebody I'll chit chat. Or waiting in lines at stores, amusement parks, etc.

But I guess we're just arguing semantics and this type of conversation isn't what the thread is about so I apologize. But I do think when posters say something like, congrats, you've chose being nervous over harassment, it's very condescending.

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It's not condesending. Men (it's usually men) have a habit of making these things be about themselves in these kinds of threads. Thread topic is about harassing random women for a date & how women feel about that? BUT THINK ABOUT HOW A MAN FEELS WHEN FEARING THE REJECTION, IT'S CLEARLY MUCH WORSE THAN THE FEAR OF (SEXUAL, PHYSICAL OR VERBAL) ABUSE THAT MANY/MOST WOMEN FEEL WHEN MEN SUDDENLY APPROACH THEM IN SOME RANDOM (NOT BUSY) CORNER OF THE STREET TO HIT ON THEM!!!

This issue simply isn't about you if you're not a woman, we don't really need "woe am men, think how hard it is to approach a woman" takes when the topic is how women feel about being approached by random men they have given no signals or even a single glance towards, who often don't take the first few "nos" as an answer (or the few after those).

Honestly, I get that a lot of women are saying don't do this and I get that some women have been harassed all their lives, but if you're respectful and you do it in the right situation, I think this is totally fine. From my experience and talking to my female friends, this can be done correctly and everyone can leave the interaction feeling fine, if not better. I have personally had multiple relationships from "cold approaching" girls and they've always said they appreciated me talking to them. FYI, this was usually on a university campus where girls may be more receptive. I will think twice next time, though.

honestly, i get that a lot of women are saying don't do this, but, like, i don't care

Women: NO! NO! NO! NO! and NO!

Men: But actually...

Like, this is parody at this point.

Frigid Eh said:

Honestly, I get that a lot of women are saying don't do this and I get that some women have been harassed all their lives, but if you're respectful and you do it in the right situation, I think this is totally fine. From my experience and talking to my female friends, this can be done correctly and everyone can leave the interaction feeling fine, if not better. I have personally had multiple relationships from "cold approaching" girls and they've always said they appreciated me talking to them. FYI, this was usually on a university campus where girls may be more receptive. I will think twice next time, though.

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I actually think a college campus is a different situation because it's like everyday is a club meeting. Randomly talking to random people is almost the point. Just ask where something is and start complaining about school and viola instant friendship.

Women of era, "I don't like it, please don't do this."

Thirty some pages later of dudes telling them it's okay.

"The ladies are infinitely more complicated. They have 1,000 ways of saying No, and only some of them mean Yes."

Bricks said:

"The ladies are infinitely more complicated. They have 1,000 ways of saying No, and only some of them mean Yes."

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And men still won't take the hint.

sabrina said:

Woe is me. I walked into a thread not understanding its purpose and not getting a feel for the conversation, asking something to be explained that's already been explained several dozen times, and some of the replies were condescending. Poor me, the true victim here.

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I wasn't the victim. I'm not the one who was nervous or said that. But how can you have a conversation with someone or expect them to listen to your point of view if he gets accused of harassment? Your answer will most likely be it's not your problem to educate someone about your point of view but, well, this is a forum. We can either shit on each other for not understanding other points of view or we can try to educate.

Not a fan, to be honest. The question always going through my head is: how will this escalate if you don't like my answer? There was one time in particular that I had a man come up to me out of nowhere as I was walking to catch the train, and he asked me out for a meal, before he even asked what my name was. It didn't help that he got right in my path, and I felt crowded in. He kept in step with me until I mentioned I had a boyfriend. I was very polite, and even thanked him for asking, because, again, I didn't know how it would escalate if he didn't like my answer.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, from his perspective, he was just on a break, and was looking for some company. I also presume he was genuinely a businessman, considering the location and time of day. But from my perspective, the way he approached the interaction made me incredibly wary and uncomfortable, and I was on high-alert until I got home.

HyperFerret said:

A guy who comments on my looks within the first three sentences.
A guy who asks if I have a boyfriend as an opener.
A guy who has some friends off to the side who are (silently) cheering him on.
A wingman who makes it obvious he's a wingman.
A guy who walks up with a drink (intending to give me one).
A guy who is physically blocking me in some way.

I don't trust these types.

Casual conversation is more like, waiting in a queue and commenting about things that tend to some up in normal small talk. Or you know, anything that isn't talking about me.

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Absolutely this.

Mest08 said:

I wasn't the victim. I'm not the one who was nervous or said that. But how can you have a conversation with someone or expect them to listen to your point of view if he gets accused of harassment? Your answer will most likely be it's not your problem to educate someone about your point of view but, well, this is a forum. We can either shit on each other for not understanding other points of view or we can try to educate.

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Writing you are too nervous to engage in a form of approaching women which is degrading. Then being called out on it is bad? Why try some meet in the middle tripe, if it's pretty obvious you've not read the thread, and you'll just ignore anything to go "Well guys are the real victim".

Famassu said:

It's not condesending. Men (it's usually men) have a habit of making these things be about themselves in these kinds of threads. Thread topic is about harassing random women for a date & how women feel about that? BUT THINK ABOUT HOW A MAN FEELS WHEN FEARING THE REJECTION, IT'S CLEARLY MUCH WORSE THAN THE FEAR OF (SEXUAL, PHYSICAL OR VERBAL) ABUSE THAT MANY/MOST WOMEN FEEL WHEN MEN SUDDENLY APPROACH THEM IN SOME RANDOM (NOT BUSY) CORNER OF THE STREET TO HIT ON THEM!!!

This issue simply isn't about you if you're not a woman, we don't really need "woe am men, think how hard it is to approach a woman" takes when the topic is how women feel about being approached by random men they have given no signals or even a single glance towards, who often don't take the first few "nos" as an answer (or the few after those).

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The thread is actually about striking up conversations, not harassment. And the OP clearly states that the theory is, if you do it enough times, you'll eventually have success. I take that to mean if a man gets rejected, he stops, so he's not harassing, and tries again with someone else.

Nobody is arguing that harassment or physical/verbal abuse is acceptable. That is obviously not okay.

Mest08 said:

We can either shit on each other for not understanding other points of view or we can try to educate.

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Or perhaps just shit on people who show they avoid previously-created attempts at education.

Your binary is far too limiting compared to the possibilities the multiverse truly offers.

Mest08 said:

I wasn't the victim. I'm not the one who was nervous or said that. But how can you have a conversation with someone or expect them to listen to your point of view if he gets accused of harassment? Your answer will most likely be it's not your problem to educate someone about your point of view but, well, this is a forum. We can either shit on each other for not understanding other points of view or we can try to educate.

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TThis thread is on page 32, we educated for a very ling time.... yet shock men just kinda went nah I'm right

Mest08 said:

The thread is actually about striking up conversations, not harassment. And the OP clearly states that the theory is, if you do it enough times, you'll eventually have success. I take that to mean if a man gets rejected, he stops, so he's not harassing, and tries again with someone else.

Nobody is arguing that harassment or physical/verbal abuse is acceptable. That is obviously not okay.

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The man approaching the woman doesn't get to decide if he's harassing, it's the woman who decides if she's being harassed.

You can't just bother someone and then go "I wasn't bothering you because I left after".

Firefoxprime said:

Yup. All facts.

Oh I'm not a lady, but as a guy, we've actually been culturally primed to act out in this manner. It's really bad...it's like you have to jack out Matrix style to realize the truth.

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As a guy, I disagree.

I think the media that we have consumed through movies, television, magazines, celebrities, etc. have been the biggest contribution, but it has been up to the individual himself to take it as "priming," so to speak. Unless, you mean, people under this (Western?) cultural umbrella are subject to this behavior due to exposure, and subsequently choose to act on it.

Mest08 said:

But how can you have a conversation with someone or expect them to listen to your point of view if he gets accused of harassment?

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People used to think behaviour like yours was just stupid, but nowadays they are suspicious that it is a deliberate effort to disrupt progressive conversations like this. So far you've shown no evidence in favour of the former rather than the latter.

HyperFerret said:

The man approaching the woman doesn't get to decide if he's harassing, it's the woman who decides if she's being harassed.

You can't just bother someone and then go "I wasn't bothering you because I left after".

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That's not how harassment works. No doubt talking to somebody is bothering them. It's not harassment until it becomes repetitive bothering.

If you're going to cold approach, do it in a social setting like a concert or a bar or whatever. Trying to hit on a girl who's just trying to get to work or the grocery store feels forced and awkward.

This idea that you can make it work if you're good enough is what leads to pick up artists with toxic views. No, life is not a video game where you can make a girl stop feeling uncomfortable by having a high speech level.

Mest08 said:

That's not how harassment works. No doubt talking to somebody is bothering them. It's not harassment until it becomes repetitive bothering.

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Just so we're clear, you've repeatedly argued in bad faith, defended sexism, tone policed, and now are mansplaining harassment. This is why nobody fucking wanted to try and educate you, because it's been obvious from the get-go that you don't want to learn. You just want to justify the way you live your shitty life.

You don't get to define harassment. You don't get to ignore the context of a woman who constantly gets approached by men she's not interested in. It's on men to shoulder the responsibility of making sure their advances are wanted. You don't get to wipe your hands clean because you didn't know better. Fucking know better already. That's your one job. Fucking. Know. Better. Listen to women and shut the fuck up.

BlackGoku03 said:

Oh, I completely understand why it happens. I just think the reverse is amusing.

Looks like a cool flick. Will have to check it out! Thanks.

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You might like this clip from Random Acts of Flyness on HBO.

psychowave said:

honestly, i get that a lot of women are saying don't do this, but, like, i don't care

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This thread in a nut shell

Tuorom said:

This thread in a nut shell

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Like, it cleary say WOMEN of Era. One thing is being curios and click this thread but to bother to comment? Stay in your damn line dudes.

Fat4all said:

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C

psychowave said:

honestly, i get that a lot of women are saying don't do this, but, like, i don't care

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I don't know if it's because of where I live, but I'm virtually NEVER approached by normal-seeming or appealing guys my age. That's something that straight men in these topics constantly miss. When a man hits on me he's always a boundary-crossing person who's much MUCH older than me or has terrible hygiene or is in some other way never ever going to be someone I would date. At my new job, which is public-facing, I'm finding that I'm constantly being hit on, and it's awful. I'm convinced these men know, at least on some level, that what they're doing wouldn't work if I wasn't literally forced to interact with them and be baseline level polite. (And there's so much fishing for my age, because I look younger, it's just bleeeeegh gross. And then making me shake their hand, too, when I don't want to.)

I've had men who I think were likely socially awkward and "practicing" talking to women really scare me. One man like that started following me to my car once, and I was terrified. While he was awkwardly saying something and I was stiffly smiling and saying empty nice things (in case he wasn't just an awkward guy) I was running through different ways I could run away or get back in the building I'd just left for help. I remember thinking "I should go back inside now and if I don't and he hurts me I'll always blame myself."

Something a man """cold approaching""" me means an adrenaline spike out of nowhere. A lot of the time it means I have to manage the feelings of a strange man I've never met before. Lots of fake smiling and laughing and then pretending I have a boyfriend so he leaves me alone.

I mentioned to my mom recently that I was thinking about getting a fake wedding ring to wear at work because so many men have been making me uncomfortable. She didn't bat an eye and said it sounded like a good idea. Isn't that incredibly fucked up?? It's so common for women to have to deal with constant unwanted sexualized bullshit that both of us thought that was normal.

Chindogg said:

I understand those who don't want to be approached in the context of potential dating, but those who are just straight up "don't talk to me, don't look at me" make me kinda sad that being friendly is considered as sinister.

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Frankly, I'm much less nice and pleasant to men than I am to women, because men take simple politeness as interest. I like smiling and joking with people, but I've had it backfire too many times. And unfortunately, most of the time when a man I've never met starts talking to me in public, there's been an ulterior motive. I've had plenty of nice experiences with men too, but It's always Schrodinger's Creep and I can't know until the interaction is over.

OP asked "ERA at large", so I'm assuming all opinions are being solicited. Maybe it's the demographics of this site or maybe attitudes having changed post hookup apps, but most of my girl friends have had good (and plenty of shit) experiences from cold approaches that led to fulfilling relationships. Many of them also actively encourage SOME male friends to cold approach strangers in appropriate settings. SOME being key qualifier because I think, generally, women can intuit which of their male friends are socially adapt enough to conduct these interactions respectfully and which ones are going to come off as creeps, whether intentionally or unintentionally. At minimum, ask your lady friends who are open to cold approaches which category you belong to. Also know when to stop, if you're 0/10, there's a good chance you're the creep that's doing more harm than good.