Weddings are selfish. Prove me wrong

When me and my wife got married we wanted a small thing with perhaps just ourselves there. But too many people wanted to show up so we ended up inviting 50+ people, which cost a ton for us. On our part is was hectic and we had to fix everything from catering to clothes. And we were already expecting our first daughter. In the end, it was worth it. Everyone was happy, we had a great time and my big takeaway is that we should have more grand parties and it shouldn't have to take marriage to get all these wonderful people together.

Too expensive? It's an unvite! It's a nonvitation!

Weddings are selfish.

Reason - me me me me me

?

Yes, Weddings can be selfish. Many couples ask relatives and friends to put themselves out to come to a huge party celebrating themselves.

But it's not bad to be selfish some of the time. Milestone birthdays, graduations, weddings, child births, etc. People enjoy celebrating friends and families and the return benefit is they get to do the same thing if they want.

tyfon said:

My wife and I got married at the city hall with only our parents and siblings present.
Then we ate at a restaurant and went home.
Been married almost 10 years now.

Total cost: €1000 :)

They don't have to suck.

(Yeah, I can't stand big weddings either)

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What everyone should do.

Boy, Era sure is a miserable place nowadays.

fick said:

Got to fly across the county, rent a hotel room, rent a car. Now I get to wear a fucking tux for 5+ hours so I can watch a couple of people say "I do".

Great

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They've invited you to their special day and you say they're selfish

Yes, they are the SELFISH ones...

People are allowed to be selfish on their wedding day when it comes to merely asking people to be there with them.

Meanwhile you can keep moaning about, I dunno, being present?

While i don't care for weddings all that much, i really appreciate that they serve as an event where even those friends, whom you're not all that close with anymore / who moved somewhere else, meet and have a party together.

Like, in the end, it's a big party where i meet old friends from school and reconnect with them for a night.
The whole bride and groom thing is pretty secondary ...

Agreed. Weddings by their very nature are gross and attention whore-y. Do the responsible thing and save the money for a down payment on a house and make the pact privately in front of a judge (with dignity). No one cares about your dress or wants to watch you slow dance with your parent figure.



And no I'm not going to buy you a fucking Le Creuset.

I got married with just my wife and four friends in attendance at our local registry office, I think it came to just over £1k altogether.

So no, they are not always selfish.

Yeah it's all ceremonial nonsense that people feel they're entitled to. The real commitment is in your head but (a lot of) people don't really care about that. They just want that photomoment and that ring in their life so they belong and feel they were worth it.
One of life's checklist points.

And then the divorce a couple of years later because they didn't think it through and married for complete shallow reasons. It's all a bit sad to behold. All that attention whoring and all that money.

But free drinks are nice. Let them have their moment of selfish happiness.

Godzilla's Left Toe said:

What everyone should do.

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People should do what they want. I'm not a fan of big, expensive weddings either, and I'd look askance at anyone who expected me to dress in a penguin suit or go to a church. But some people like that kind of thing, and if enough of their friends and relatives will go along with it and the money is there they should do that.

Marriage is bullshit and wedding industry is a fucking racket. With that said I'm still going to my brother's this September.

RatskyWatsky said:

Agreed. Weddings by their very nature are gross and attention whore-y. Do the responsible thing and save the money for a down payment on a house and make the pact privately in front of a judge (with dignity). No one cares about your dress or wants to watch you slow dance with your parent figure.

And no I'm not going to buy you a fucking Le Creuset.

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These are awesome though. They'll outlive several marriages.

If it makes you feel better OP, they'll probably get divocred and be just as much as a bitter asshole as you.

You were invited because they want you around for one of their most important life moments. You don't wanna go because it costs money and you will not be entertained.

Actually, you're the one being pretty selfish here :)

If attending would bring you in financial trouble it would be perfectly fine not to go. Also depends how close you are to the bridal pair. You didn't name a single reason like that to "prove you wrong" in the OP, you're just selfishly whining whilst calling them selfish for inviting you, wtf man.

My best mate is getting married this summer, gonna travel from Sweden to Macedonia for it and couldn't be more excited. I've never had a problem with weddings, it's usually a great time to catch up with friends and family you don't see that often.

RatskyWatsky said:

Agreed. Weddings by their very nature are gross and attention whore-y. Do the responsible thing and save the money for a down payment on a house and make the pact privately in front of a judge (with dignity). No one cares about your dress or wants to watch you slow dance with your parent figure.


And no I'm not going to buy you a fucking Le Creuset.

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Actually, a lot of people do. There's way more drama about people being slighted for not being invited than the other way round.

Low key weddings are great but in many cases, families and friends want to be part of it. In the vast majority of weddings i've been to, the big party is for the guests more than it is for the couple.

fick said:

Update: survived.

I love all the people in this thread who can't comprehend doing something you don't want to for a friend. It was fine. I was pleasant. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have preferred to save the money and spend my weekend smoking weed in sweatpants.

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I mean I'd rather just chill at home and play videogames than like, do anything I don't like but it doesn't mean I don't have social responsibilities.


I say people do what they want. We had about 130 people at our wedding, many of whom flew in from other countries to attend. Was the best party we've ever had and we had a ball dancing the night away. Loved it. Weddings are a family celebration. Sucks if you don't like it and that's OK but it's nice to spend time with your family and friends on a special occasion.

We're having our wedding on June 7th, a Friday. We're not having an entrence fee, we're cooking up some cake and "simpler food".
We want presents of course! The guests can choose not to come. We don't really care, the day is for us :)

Don't go.

Weddings cost a lot of money and every person increases the budget, so the couple usually invites more people than what they are expecting to actually go, because it's common for 20% or more guests to just not show up there.

So, if you don't wanna go, just give an excuse and say you can't, the couple will probably be happy.

Were I a more cynical person I might agree....but I went to a friend's wedding last year and it was anything but selfish. It was small, and in the function rooms of a local old and very picturesque water mill. Everyone had a great day. Photos of everyone in their finest, standing around talking rubbish with some drinks, a nice meal, and then an evening with more drinks while there was the usual wedding disco.

Think of it this way instead of being selfish....

"We value you enough as a person that we want you to share in our happy moment". That's something special, it's something in life that you can't buy. Yes, sometimes it's family obligation too...but even then it's your whole family coming together with another family and friends to celebrate human connection. It's all rather lovely when you think about it like that.

How are they the selfish ones, a couple spending thousands to share a moment with their friends and family. Vs a guy that's angry because he can't be naked and smoke weed all day

I never liked weddings, kinda dread going to em but whatever. Gotta do what you gotta do.

ethranes said:

How are they the selfish ones, a couple spending thousands to share a moment with their friends and family. Vs a guy that's angry because he can't be naked and smoke weed all day

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While this isn't true for North Americans, we (middle eastern) end up dropping TONS on a wedding. We have to give like 200-500 a person depending on the wedding. And this is just for the actual wedding night, not to mention the other stuff that may become before or after where more money/gifts are exchanged.

Isn't it customary for the family (those being wed) to pay for the bridal party's accommodations/travel, etc?

bawjaws said:

This fucking place :D

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First sentence that popped to my mind. Fucking depressing.
I went to my first wedding two months ago with a great friend I consider a brother and loved it. My girlfriend and I had to fly down, rent a car, room, etc but I felt honored to be there and one of the groomsmen. Would do again.

I've skipped a few. No biggie.

Traveling is expensive. Don't go if you can't.

fick said:

Update: survived.

I love all the people in this thread who can't comprehend doing something you don't want to for a friend. It was fine. I was pleasant. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have preferred to save the money and spend my weekend smoking weed in sweatpants.

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Honestly, I can comprehend that.

What I can't comprehend is hating it so much that you use a social back channel to bitch about it behind your friends back and then have the gall to pretend you're the one in the right when everyone else can either be sensible and honest and decline participation in the wedding or have the character to just keep it to their own fucking self, lol.

Your misery is thick as hell and you just tried to drag everyone through it with you over something that most people know is an obligation but know how to deal with the burden so much better

Some weddings are selfish; others are great parties where the couple getting married spend a fortune on bringing together, feeding, and entertaining all their friends and family, and then people talk about it for years to come.

It's easy to be cynical about the money involved, but I was in the groom party for two weddings in 2016 (best man for one; usher for another) and both of those couples were people I love, and I was more than happy to spend some money to help them celebrate.

Also, if you want to get really pragmatic about it, the money they spend on your suit and gift and dinner and drinks is probably equivalent to what it costs you for travel and accommodation - or not far off.

Weddings where you're asked to be in the groom or bridal party but they make you pay for your own suit (which you'll probably never wear again) are rubbish though. Fortunately I've only been involved in one of those. And weddings abroad, but I've also only been to one of those, and my wife and I managed to plan a nice holiday around it, so it worked out ok.

fick said:

Got to fly across the county, rent a hotel room, rent a car. Now I get to wear a fucking tux for 5+ hours so I can watch a couple of people say "I do".

Great

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That has nothing to do with the concept of wedding, its about what your friends are wanting from you. I had 30 people at my wedding and no one had to drive more then 1.5 hours. No restrictions on clothes, no gifts, no renting anything.

Don't expect others to go to yours, if you have this view and you're ever married. Weddings are for the families and to have witnesses of the marriage.

A good friend of mine is having his wedding locally this fall. He and his wife will leave from the wedding to go somewhere awesome: they didn't obligate the rest of us to pay to go to somewhere awesome just so we could be a part of the wedding.

I prefer their approach to the one described in the OP.

Darknight said:

Again, you're putting too much emphasis on it. For many, it's just a fun party to celebrate the baby. The parents don't care that they're getting one gender over the other. If they do, then having or not having a party isn't going to change that. I understand that gender stereotypes in our culture can be problematic, but finding out what gender you're having doesn't mean you have to pigeonhole them into one stereotype.

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You're never going to be a good progressive if you keep finding ways to enjoy life without constantly straining yourself to wring the negativity out of every innocuous thing. Be miserable about everything, always. Be one of us.

Mercurial said:

You're never going to be a good progressive if you keep finding ways to enjoy life without constantly straining yourself to wring the negativity out of every innocuous thing. Be miserable about everything, always. Be one of us.

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Just to remind you, we're talking about this very new craze for commercialising a very private matter, the gender of a human being. You don't have to be a raging progressive to find that disturbing, just to recall a time when children were not treated as the property of their parents, dolls for grownups.

LL_Decitrig said:

Just to remind you, we're talking about this very new craze for commercialising a very private matter, the gender of a human being. You don't have to be a raging progressive to find that disturbing, just to recall a time when children were not treated as the property of their parents, dolls for grownups.

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I'm aware that you don't have to be a progressive to be toxic and negative about every innocuous thing: it just so happens to be in vogue with them. The fact that you can't see the difference between wanting to share your happiness about having a girl or boy with others from treating children as "property of their parents, dolls for grownups" kind of proves the point.

Keep up the performative wokeness though: those valuable e-points you're assuredly accruing will be worth something to someone one day.

LL_Decitrig said:

Just to remind you, we're talking about this very new craze for commercialising a very private matter, the gender of a human being. You don't have to be a raging progressive to find that disturbing, just to recall a time when children were not treated as the property of their parents, dolls for grownups.

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Gender reveal parties, just like hyper gendered clothes are a recent product of capitalism. Decades ago you had gender neutral clothes that could be passed down the siblings of different gender. Why people are eager to defend the pink/blue binary is beyond me.

My wedding was probably one of the least selfish events I've ever planned. Everything was planned to make the guests (the majority of them did have to travel) as happy and comfortable as possible. Every decision we made was around our guests being happy and having fun since they were coming from so far away. Case in point, we paid thousands of dollars for an open bar and I personally don't even drink.

My wife and I had a very small wedding. It was pretty much a regular family dinner where we said I do. Our whole wedding including the dress, food, the priest, and a few decorations cost us only around $500. We both hate being the center of attention so we basically did the bare minimum that included our family. We would have just eloped in a courthouse but our moms had a big stink about it.

It really depends. It can be when the bride and groom are essentially forcing their best friends to spend a fortune on them. Folks often can't say no to these people cause of how close you are, and then your spending thousands on them for a single party. Does feel that sometimes people don't think about their friends when they create their wedding and how much they are costing them.

fick said:

Got to fly across the county, rent a hotel room, rent a car. Now I get to wear a fucking tux for 5+ hours so I can watch a couple of people say "I do".

Great

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Don't go.

I'd agree more if your argument was that from a money perspective, big weddings aren't a great idea.

fick said:

Update: survived.

I love all the people in this thread who can't comprehend doing something you don't want to for a friend. It was fine. I was pleasant. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have preferred to save the money and spend my weekend smoking weed in sweatpants.

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"Well, I did the stupid thing I didn't want to do but HAD TO DO because these people are selfish... AND I HAD TO WEAR A TUX AND COULDNT SMOKE WEED. BTW, all of you are stupid."

Ok, dude.

I DO think weddings have gotten out of hand. I never been to a wedding until I got married, and I planned it too. We went to my husband's hometown (conveniently where we went for our undergrad years) because the most relatives lived there. I think selfish people can host selfish weddings, but a lot
of others have smaller, cheaper weddings. If you don't wanna pay next time, just decline. It's only one day.

Mercurial said:

The fact that you can't see the difference between wanting to share your happiness about having a girl or boy with others from treating children as "property of their parents, dolls for grownups" kind of proves the point.

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Quick question just to see if you're paying attention: in whose aid is the celebration?

If you're honest you'll have to admit it's of no benefit to the child.

Soran said:

Gender reveal parties, just like hyper gendered clothes are a recent product of capitalism. Decades ago you had gender neutral clothes that could be passed down the siblings of different gender. Why people are eager to defend the pink/blue binary is beyond me.

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Was it really so long ago? I feel old. I am old, but that's beside the point.

fick said:

Well, the entire point of my post was to vent because I was in a bad mood. When you see all the responses "lol y go to wedding of friend for 20 years just tell him nah" it kind of shows that a lot of people on here have no concept of social obligations or doing things you don't want to for others.

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I would take all these responses as an opportunity for self-reflection.

Cyclone said:

Don't go.

I'd agree more if your argument was that from a money perspective, big weddings aren't a great idea.

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If you are in the wedding party, you often have no clue what you are getting into at the time you are asked. Suddenly a year later or months later, and you are being asked to spend thousands on dresses, hair appointments, special parties, pre wedding trips, gifts, etc. The bride and groom keep making decisions for the whole group which involve you spending money on them. Oh btw we are going to a remote place for the wedding. Backing out of a wedding party especially can be a bit too much drama for a friendship

LL_Decitrig said:

Quick question just to see if you're paying attention: in whose aid is the celebration?

If you're honest you'll have to admit it's of no benefit to the child.

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...nor is it a detriment. I never claimed it was for the benefit of the child. I explicitly said it's an opportunity for the parents to share their joy and excitement with others in an extraordinarily innocuous way. A child's life isn't materially impacted because their parents put some balloons in a box and made a video of them opening it once upon a time.