DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

smisk said:

This might be a dumb question, but how affectionate are you supposed to be with someone you're hooking up with? Do you cuddle after sex? Do you text each other good night? This is a girl I've had over a couple times and I'm worried I like her too much. It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory a little too quickly, though we haven't overtly talked about it at all. For all I know she just wants to get laid now and then, though it seems like she likes me a lot.

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Most important is you talk about it. I think cuddling is ok considering the nasty shit you were just doing to her. Texting goodnight every night maybe is too much... kind of depends on your relationship though. Do you text a lot in general? If you are having a conversation before bed then you should say goodnight, but maybe don't go out of your way to say goodnight if you aren't already talking.

Vern said:

You are right that sharing a hobby doesn't mean a couple must do it together, but from my experience "excluding" your partner from something usually doesn't go well. That was more my point, it's been hard for me to find a partner who is content with just meeting up a few times per week while maintaining separate lives, friendships and interests. Usually girlfriend will want to see me and talk to me all the time, and if I say I'd rather be alone or hang out with other people she'll think there is something wrong.

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To be fair, that's been my experience too in the past. Not so much with this girl that I'm dating at the moment, who likes having her own space and as you say, seeing each other about 3 times a week, but my ex's prior all wanted a lot more than that. My ex was fine with us playing different video games and whatnot, but in general she wanted to at least see me every day. Same with the two long term relationships I had before that.

I don't mind it personally, but I know why some might dislike it. I guess it's hard to avoid.

Birthday girl ghosted me for the date this morning so that's done, was really looking forward to meeting her though. I was going to take her a nice Hibachi restaurant so her loss really.

Had another date with a young woman this morning and she was a mess of a person. But the main deal breaker was that she had daddy problems, and he is extremely controlling of her life. She told me that in order to hangout again we'd have to meet in secret which is a big no no in my book.

I guess 1 out of 3 is still better than none, but I hope I can get closer to a couple of people in my study abroad class so I can work off of that when I return at the end of January. Hyped for the red light district in a few weeks ^^

smisk said:

This might be a dumb question, but how affectionate are you supposed to be with someone you're hooking up with? Do you cuddle after sex? Do you text each other good night? This is a girl I've had over a couple times and I'm worried I like her too much. It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory a little too quickly, though we haven't overtly talked about it at all. For all I know she just wants to get laid now and then, though it seems like she likes me a lot.

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That depends entirely on you, her and the mood. Everyone is different. Some people cuddle. Some shower together. Some fall asleep. Others get hungry. There's no rules when it comes to what to do afterwards.

Chronospherics said:

I think this stuff is just over thinking it, like I was, really. I guess I encouraged you to do that by describing it as if it was a big problem, but I think I was wrong for thinking too much about it. In the 5 weeks we've been together she's blown me off on two dates with the reasoning that 'she's tired and has things she needs to do' and always rearranged for the next day. I suspect, if anything, that's just a genuine reason. It's just me being an idiot. She said she'd come over tomorrow morning instead, I shouldn't think about it any more than that.

For what it's worth, the dates have escalated pretty naturally, to sex and intimacy, and emotional intimacy, and no, we don't just hang out and talk about work or hobbies. Oh, and we are exclusive.

I've just had a bad day. I lost my wallet yesterday, and I woke up in a terrible mood this morning, and then I guess I was thinking meeting up with her was going to cheer me up, but she cancelled and I just didn't react in a great way. I think it'll be okay.

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In that case, yes, you're thinking way too hard.

Sometimes, if you're tired and had a rough day, you really don't want to entertain someone else or just deal with others in general. Cancelling on you last minute is irritating, but hey, shit happens. If it becomes a habit, let her know. Be honest. If she can't deal with that, then she isn't worth your time.

In my experience, and others will probably agree, if someone really cares about someone else or something, they will make the time. If they really want to go to that gym or cook that meal or make that appointment or make plans for that date, they'll do it, assuming nothing serious gets in the way. Again, shit happens, but not every hour or every day. No one's life is that hectic or fucked up, unless you have three jobs, five kids or run a multi national, multi billion dollar corporation. Most people's lives are simple. If they can't manage that, they're not motivated enough or have poor time management skills.

Keep that in mind going forward.

smisk said:

This might be a dumb question, but how affectionate are you supposed to be with someone you're hooking up with? Do you cuddle after sex? Do you text each other good night? This is a girl I've had over a couple times and I'm worried I like her too much. It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory a little too quickly, though we haven't overtly talked about it at all. For all I know she just wants to get laid now and then, though it seems like she likes me a lot.

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Are these bad things? Does she think you're just someone she's hooking up with?

Darren Lamb said:

Are these bad things? Does she think you're just someone she's hooking up with?

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They can be if both of them have different expectations. If one is interested in a committed relationship and the other isn't, things probably won't work out. Everyone has their own pace. It's one thing to encourage someone who is more passive and less inclined to take initiative versus forcing someone to act totally out of their comfort and tolerance zone. Some people are looking for something that could turn into a relationship while others just wanna casually date and maybe fuck around (literally).

Darren Lamb said:

Are these bad things? Does she think you're just someone she's hooking up with?

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Honestly I'm probably over-thinking things. It's been several years since my last relationship and I'm not sure what I want. I'm worried about getting hurt or hurting her. And I don't want to quickly jump into a relationship just because she's the first girl who's come along.

This might seem unnecessary or even stupid, but for years I've tried not to refer women as "girls". Even in my early 20's, I tried to avoid that as much as possible.

For me, I don't want to date a "girl". A "girl" is immature, impulsive, willful and indecisive. I've always wanted a "woman". I've made this clear to friends and many women I've been with. A "woman" is more self confident, self aware, self assured, has a better understanding as to who she and her place in the world. She's more grounded and can offer more intellectual and emotional stimulation and engagement than a mere "girl" ever could.

As a man, I wouldn't want a woman calling me a "boy". It's condescending and has a negative connotation.

-PXG- said:

This might seem unnecessary or even stupid, but for years I've tried not to refer women as "girls". Even in my early 20's, I tried to avoid that as much as possible.

For me, I don't want to date a "girl". A "girl" is immature, impulsive, willful and indecisive. I've always wanted a "woman". I've made this clear to friends and many women I've been with. A "woman" is more self confident, self aware, self assured, has a better understanding as to who she and her place in the world. She's more grounded and can offer more intellectual and emotional stimulation and engagement than a mere "girl" ever could.

As a man, I wouldn't want a woman calling me a "boy". It's condescending and has a negative connotation.

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This mostly sounds like an over complication to me honestly. The context of the sentence provides the framework for what is suppose to be meant. Girl and women are interchangeable based on age and social setting. I don't expect early 20 year olds barely out of post secondary not even knowing what it means to be a working adult being like "I want a man/woman, not a boy/girl".

It doesn't come off as mature. It comes off as pretentious. I similarly dont expect 40 year old men/women to be refering to each other as boys/girls.

-PXG- said:

This might seem unnecessary or even stupid, but for years I've tried not to refer women as "girls". Even in my early 20's, I tried to avoid that as much as possible.

For me, I don't want to date a "girl". A "girl" is immature, impulsive, willful and indecisive. I've always wanted a "woman". I've made this clear to friends and many women I've been with. A "woman" is more self confident, self aware, self assured, has a better understanding as to who she and her place in the world. She's more grounded and can offer more intellectual and emotional stimulation and engagement than a mere "girl" ever could.

As a man, I wouldn't want a woman calling me a "boy". It's condescending and has a negative connotation.

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I've been told by younger women more than once not to call them women becuse it makes them sound old. It's all down to individual preference there's no right answer except not to call them females.

Gotdatmoney said:

This mostly sounds like an over complication to me honestly. The context of the sentence provides the framework for what is suppose to be meant. Girl and women are interchangeable based on age and social setting. I don't expect early 20 year olds barely out of post secondary not even knowing what it means to be a working adult being like "I want a man/woman, not a boy/girl".

It doesn't come off as mature. It comes off as pretentious. I similarly dont expect 40 year old men/women to be refering to each other as boys/girls.

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Alwayscrazybacon said:

I've been told by younger women more than once not to call them women becuse it makes them sound old. It's all down to individual preference there's no right answer except not to call them females.

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By all means, do you. You don't have to think like me.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

I've been told by younger women more than once not to call them women becuse it makes them sound old. It's all down to individual preference there's no right answer except not to call them females.

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"Ladies" or "lady" also sounds derogatory to me. Like, say 'hey, ladies" to a bunch of women and see what kind of reaction you get.

edit

I think I finally managed to stop overthinking things in my dating life. Had my fifth date with the girl I met on tinder 3 weeks ago last night. Things are nice, she's always excited to see me, we have good conversations and dates, great sex and we cuddle a lot. Still dating the other girl too, had our 4th date a few days ago even though we've been dating longer. I find I'm not as concerned about "next steps" or where I should be as I was earlier and I'm simply enjoying dating and going with the flow.

-PXG- said:

This might seem unnecessary or even stupid, but for years I've tried not to refer women as "girls". Even in my early 20's, I tried to avoid that as much as possible.

For me, I don't want to date a "girl". A "girl" is immature, impulsive, willful and indecisive. I've always wanted a "woman". I've made this clear to friends and many women I've been with. A "woman" is more self confident, self aware, self assured, has a better understanding as to who she and her place in the world. She's more grounded and can offer more intellectual and emotional stimulation and engagement than a mere "girl" ever could.

As a man, I wouldn't want a woman calling me a "boy". It's condescending and has a negative connotation.

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In the context that most people use "girl" the male equivalent would be guy not boy. It's not meant to be conscending at all. It's just a casual way to refer to someone. All those connotations don't really apply for most people.

Ernest said:

"Ladies" or "lady" also sounds derogatory to me. Like, say 'hey, ladies" to a bunch of women and see what kind of reaction you get.

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JDHarbs said:

Looking for some advice here. This is going to be a bit personal so please go easy on me here. I'm 25, never been in a relationship, and still a virgin. After no interest from girls during my school years, my confidence was shot. I tried dating apps for 3 years until I finally got a girl to go out with me. My confidence was even worse at that point. After a few dates, she wanted to have sex, but I pretty much had an anxiety attack and couldn't go through with it. I've had a history of anxiety struggles which I told her about, but she wasn't very understanding and left. With no support system around me, my confidence hit rock bottom. I gave up on dating completely, and just tried to focus on me for awhile. I tried to narrow down what caused that attack, and settled on a combination of performance anxiety, fear of intimacy, trust problems, and all of the religious hellfire bullshit from my upbringing.

Fast forward through the worst year of my life, and I now have a new job where the girls here are all interested in me. I really don't know what changed. I'm still the same me, but I guess I'm just in an environment that suits me better. They all flirt with me, but one of them is trying really hard to get me to ask her out. I like her a lot, she's very beautiful, and would love to go out with her, but every time she tries I get those same fears creeping back in so I avoid the topic.

What should I do? Go out with her and try to push through those fears myself? Try to talk to her about it and hope she understands? Hold off until I feel more comfortable and ready for it?

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

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Update:

10 days after I posted this she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to refuse since I already had plans with my own family, but she stayed persistent. I told her I was Black Friday shopping later that night, and she invited herself along. We had a good time walking around and talking. We went to her aunt's house afterword to eat, and then she drove me back home. It was a good night, and fun to finally spent time with her outside of work. I get home and my parents have the biggest fight of their lives. It got physical, and my Mom says she's done my Dad. Of course

A few days later we decide to hang out again. We went to the movies, and then she invited me back to her place. She needed me to look at a problem with her computer. I fixed it and then we just sat on her bed and talked. Eventually we laid down, then started holding hands, and we kissed. Then drops a bomb and says she already has a boyfriend. I don't know what to do so I just listen to her explain it all. Apparently his job takes him away for long periods of time, and she had been trying to break up with him for awhile, but he would just change the subject. I should've stopped right there, but I chose to believe her. I told her I couldn't do anything while he was still around. She said she would talk to him, we hugged, and then I left.

A couple of days later she invites me to take a walk with her after work. We meet at a park and just walk and talk for awhile. I asked about her boyfriend and she said she told him she needed to talk with him, but he never responded. I guess she and I both figured it was over between them at that point so we just picked up where we left off the other night. We hugged each other, kissed, and talked for awhile until we both had to leave.

The next few weeks were great. She was basically my girlfriend at this point. We hung out, talked, kissed, had sex (virgin no more and it feels great), met each other's family, etc. It felt great to finally have something like this for once in my life, especially considering what was going on with my parents at this time. I didn't want it to end, but she had a dark past that eventually came back to haunt her. She had a fling with my boss in the past and when he found out we were together, he started harassing her out of jealousy. It didn't take me long to figure out the guy is kind of a creep while working with him. She was worried what I would think of her so she lied to me...a lot....to keep it covered up. Eventually he threatens her that he was going to tell me about it all. She couldn't face the fact that she had lied to me for so long so she breaks up with me over a text a couple of days ago.

I really don't know what to do now. She's trying really hard to get me to stay friends. She says I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time and she wants to win my trust back some day. But good lord she clearly has an honesty problem and a lot of shit to straighten out in her life, and because of that I don't think I can really trust her again. I don't want it to end. Things were going great. I have to work alone with the two of them this Sunday. Going to be the most uncomfortable 8 hours of my life. Happy New Year to me, I guess.

Edit:

JDHarbs said:

Thanks for the replies. I should've been more clear, but I have no intentions of getting back together with her. I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay friends with her.

Apparently the two of them dated for about a month and when he wanted a relationship with her, she refused and broke up with him. I can see why he would be so upset, and it helped his actions make more sense.

And regarding the other boyfriend, I brought him up again and again and she told me she didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I just chose to believe her back when she started the process of breaking up with him. Probably a mistake now that I think about it.

Granted both of these stories came from her, and I have no idea if she's lying about that too so who knows. I don't trust her anymore.

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SuperiorTrashTalk said:

I think I finally managed to stop overthinking things in my dating life. Had my fifth date with the girl I met on tinder 3 weeks ago last night. Things are nice, she's always excited to see me, we have good conversations and dates, great sex and we cuddle a lot. Still dating the other girl too, had our 4th date a few days ago even though we've been dating longer. I find I'm not as concerned about "next steps" or where I should be as I was earlier and I'm simply enjoying dating and going with the flow.


In the context that most people use "girl" the male equivalent would be guy not boy. It's not meant to be conscending at all. It's just a casual way to refer to someone. All those connotations don't really apply for most people.

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I should have been more clear. I'm just explaining how I view and rationalize things. In no way am I suggesting others think as I do.

JDHarbs said:

Update:

10 days after I posted this she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to refuse since I already had plans with my own family, but she stayed persistent. I told her I was Black Friday shopping later that night, and she invited herself along. We had a good time walking around and talking. We went to her aunt's house afterword to eat, and then she drove me back home. It was a good night, and fun to finally spent time with her outside of work. I get home and my parents have the biggest fight of their lives. It got physical, and my Mom says she's done my Dad. Of course

A few days later we decide to hang out again. We went to the movies, and then she invited me back to her place. She needed me to look at a problem with her computer. I fixed it and then we just sat on her bed and talked. Eventually we laid down, then started holding hands, and we kissed. Then drops a bomb and says she already has a boyfriend. I don't know what to do so I just listen to her explain it all. Apparently his job takes him away for long periods of time, and she had been trying to break up with him for awhile, but he would just change the subject. I should've stopped right there, but I chose to believe her. I told her I couldn't do anything while he was still around. She said she would talk to him, we hugged, and then I left.

A couple of days later she invites me to take a walk with her after work. We meet at a park and just walk and talk for awhile. I asked about her boyfriend and she said she told him she needed to talk with him, but he never responded. I guess she and I both figured it was over between them at that point so we just picked up where we left off the other night. We hugged each other, kissed, and talked for awhile until we both had to leave.

The next few weeks were great. She was basically my girlfriend at this point. We hung out, talked, kissed, had sex (virgin no more and it feels great), met each other's family, etc. It felt great to finally have something like this for once in my life, especially considering what was going on with my parents at this time. I didn't want it to end, but she had a dark past that eventually came back to haunt her. She had a fling with my boss in the past and when he found out we were together, he started harassing her out of jealousy. It didn't take me long to figure out the guy is kind of a creep while working with him. She was worried what I would think of her so she lied to me...a lot....to keep it covered up. Eventually he threatens her that he was going to tell me about it all. She couldn't face the fact that she had lied to me for so long so she breaks up with me over a text a couple of days ago.

I really don't know what to do now. She's trying really hard to get me to stay friends. She says I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time and she wants to win my trust back some day. But good lord she clearly has an honesty problem and a lot of shit to straighten out in her life, and because of that I don't think I can really trust her again. I don't want it to end. Things were going great. I have to work alone with the two of them this Sunday. Going to be the most uncomfortable 8 hours of my life. Happy New Year to me, I guess.

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I don't want to sound mean and rude because anybody's first is special to them (hell mine was too). But if shit seems bad and weird, and there is telling signs of it then please do yourself a favour and just get out before anything more happens. She clearly has quite a bit going on her life, and she seems like someone who will hide the truth just to avoid confrontation, which is really bad. If you are super interested and she is willing to give it another go, then go for it but make it clear to her that honesty and her being upfront about everything has to be first in line.

I'm still confused by your story though, maybe I'm reading it wrong. So you do not know if she and her boyfriend are fully broken up? Taking something for granted by her word seems really unsafe due to her hiding of facts. And do you know what the thing with her boss is? Did she tell you? Is her boss her ex? I'm assuming I am reading this wrong, but regardless, her not being upfront is very dangerous.

JDHarbs said:

Update:

10 days after I posted this she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to refuse since I already had plans with my own family, but she stayed persistent. I told her I was Black Friday shopping later that night, and she invited herself along. We had a good time walking around and talking. We went to her aunt's house afterword to eat, and then she drove me back home. It was a good night, and fun to finally spent time with her outside of work. I get home and my parents have the biggest fight of their lives. It got physical, and my Mom says she's done my Dad. Of course

A few days later we decide to hang out again. We went to the movies, and then she invited me back to her place. She needed me to look at a problem with her computer. I fixed it and then we just sat on her bed and talked. Eventually we laid down, then started holding hands, and we kissed. Then drops a bomb and says she already has a boyfriend. I don't know what to do so I just listen to her explain it all. Apparently his job takes him away for long periods of time, and she had been trying to break up with him for awhile, but he would just change the subject. I should've stopped right there, but I chose to believe her. I told her I couldn't do anything while he was still around. She said she would talk to him, we hugged, and then I left.

A couple of days later she invites me to take a walk with her after work. We meet at a park and just walk and talk for awhile. I asked about her boyfriend and she said she told him she needed to talk with him, but he never responded. I guess she and I both figured it was over between them at that point so we just picked up where we left off the other night. We hugged each other, kissed, and talked for awhile until we both had to leave.

The next few weeks were great. She was basically my girlfriend at this point. We hung out, talked, kissed, had sex (virgin no more and it feels great), met each other's family, etc. It felt great to finally have something like this for once in my life, especially considering what was going on with my parents at this time. I didn't want it to end, but she had a dark past that eventually came back to haunt her. She had a fling with my boss in the past and when he found out we were together, he started harassing her out of jealousy. It didn't take me long to figure out the guy is kind of a creep while working with him. She was worried what I would think of her so she lied to me...a lot....to keep it covered up. Eventually he threatens her that he was going to tell me about it all. She couldn't face the fact that she had lied to me for so long so she breaks up with me over a text a couple of days ago.

I really don't know what to do now. She's trying really hard to get me to stay friends. She says I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time and she wants to win my trust back some day. But good lord she clearly has an honesty problem and a lot of shit to straighten out in her life, and because of that I don't think I can really trust her again. I don't want it to end. Things were going great. I have to work alone with the two of them this Sunday. Going to be the most uncomfortable 8 hours of my life. Happy New Year to me, I guess.

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Jeez man that really is terrible. But she's not good for you. Also you learned a good lesson in why you shouldn't date coworkers.

Dont get back with her. Its not gonna end well for you. Especially with whats going on at home, it might seem like a good way to escape but its going to bite you in the ass. I promise.

You need to move on, and find someone better for you. Someone more honest with you. I know youre not very experienced but hopefully with some of the experience you have things will get easier.

JDHarbs said:

Update:

10 days after I posted this she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to refuse since I already had plans with my own family, but she stayed persistent. I told her I was Black Friday shopping later that night, and she invited herself along. We had a good time walking around and talking. We went to her aunt's house afterword to eat, and then she drove me back home. It was a good night, and fun to finally spent time with her outside of work. I get home and my parents have the biggest fight of their lives. It got physical, and my Mom says she's done my Dad. Of course

A few days later we decide to hang out again. We went to the movies, and then she invited me back to her place. She needed me to look at a problem with her computer. I fixed it and then we just sat on her bed and talked. Eventually we laid down, then started holding hands, and we kissed. Then drops a bomb and says she already has a boyfriend. I don't know what to do so I just listen to her explain it all. Apparently his job takes him away for long periods of time, and she had been trying to break up with him for awhile, but he would just change the subject. I should've stopped right there, but I chose to believe her. I told her I couldn't do anything while he was still around. She said she would talk to him, we hugged, and then I left.

A couple of days later she invites me to take a walk with her after work. We meet at a park and just walk and talk for awhile. I asked about her boyfriend and she said she told him she needed to talk with him, but he never responded. I guess she and I both figured it was over between them at that point so we just picked up where we left off the other night. We hugged each other, kissed, and talked for awhile until we both had to leave.

The next few weeks were great. She was basically my girlfriend at this point. We hung out, talked, kissed, had sex (virgin no more and it feels great), met each other's family, etc. It felt great to finally have something like this for once in my life, especially considering what was going on with my parents at this time. I didn't want it to end, but she had a dark past that eventually came back to haunt her. She had a fling with my boss in the past and when he found out we were together, he started harassing her out of jealousy. It didn't take me long to figure out the guy is kind of a creep while working with him. She was worried what I would think of her so she lied to me...a lot....to keep it covered up. Eventually he threatens her that he was going to tell me about it all. She couldn't face the fact that she had lied to me for so long so she breaks up with me over a text a couple of days ago.

I really don't know what to do now. She's trying really hard to get me to stay friends. She says I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time and she wants to win my trust back some day. But good lord she clearly has an honesty problem and a lot of shit to straighten out in her life, and because of that I don't think I can really trust her again. I don't want it to end. Things were going great. I have to work alone with the two of them this Sunday. Going to be the most uncomfortable 8 hours of my life. Happy New Year to me, I guess.

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I didn't catch the part where she actually broke up with her boyfriend. Learn from this experience to boost your confidence and move on.

JDHarbs said:

Update:

10 days after I posted this she invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to refuse since I already had plans with my own family, but she stayed persistent. I told her I was Black Friday shopping later that night, and she invited herself along. We had a good time walking around and talking. We went to her aunt's house afterword to eat, and then she drove me back home. It was a good night, and fun to finally spent time with her outside of work. I get home and my parents have the biggest fight of their lives. It got physical, and my Mom says she's done my Dad. Of course

A few days later we decide to hang out again. We went to the movies, and then she invited me back to her place. She needed me to look at a problem with her computer. I fixed it and then we just sat on her bed and talked. Eventually we laid down, then started holding hands, and we kissed. Then drops a bomb and says she already has a boyfriend. I don't know what to do so I just listen to her explain it all. Apparently his job takes him away for long periods of time, and she had been trying to break up with him for awhile, but he would just change the subject. I should've stopped right there, but I chose to believe her. I told her I couldn't do anything while he was still around. She said she would talk to him, we hugged, and then I left.

A couple of days later she invites me to take a walk with her after work. We meet at a park and just walk and talk for awhile. I asked about her boyfriend and she said she told him she needed to talk with him, but he never responded. I guess she and I both figured it was over between them at that point so we just picked up where we left off the other night. We hugged each other, kissed, and talked for awhile until we both had to leave.

The next few weeks were great. She was basically my girlfriend at this point. We hung out, talked, kissed, had sex (virgin no more and it feels great), met each other's family, etc. It felt great to finally have something like this for once in my life, especially considering what was going on with my parents at this time. I didn't want it to end, but she had a dark past that eventually came back to haunt her. She had a fling with my boss in the past and when he found out we were together, he started harassing her out of jealousy. It didn't take me long to figure out the guy is kind of a creep while working with him. She was worried what I would think of her so she lied to me...a lot....to keep it covered up. Eventually he threatens her that he was going to tell me about it all. She couldn't face the fact that she had lied to me for so long so she breaks up with me over a text a couple of days ago.

I really don't know what to do now. She's trying really hard to get me to stay friends. She says I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time and she wants to win my trust back some day. But good lord she clearly has an honesty problem and a lot of shit to straighten out in her life, and because of that I don't think I can really trust her again. I don't want it to end. Things were going great. I have to work alone with the two of them this Sunday. Going to be the most uncomfortable 8 hours of my life. Happy New Year to me, I guess.

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I tell you you've learned a lot from that relationship. Avoid people with convoluted stories about thier past and present situation, if someone has that much drama then they are inviting it. Second Dont date coworkers again, your going too feel uncomfortable as soon as things dont work out.

You've lost your virginity, you've proved you can get a girlfriend and that other girls are interested in you. That should sort out your confidence issues. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies. I should've been more clear, but I have no intentions of getting back together with her. I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay friends with her.

Apparently the two of them dated for about a month and when he wanted a relationship with her, she refused and broke up with him. I can see why he would be so upset, and it helped his actions make more sense.

And regarding the other boyfriend, I brought him up again and again and she told me she didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I just chose to believe her back when she started the process of breaking up with him. Probably a mistake now that I think about it.

Granted both of these stories came from her, and I have no idea if she's lying about that too so who knows. I don't trust her anymore.

Just act friendly with her in work but do not actually go out with her and stuff. If she ever brings up about her boss again just say you don't want to know or something.

You don't want to flat out ignore so just entertain her if she goes out of her way to speak and be friendly to her.

JDHarbs said:

Thanks for the replies. I should've been more clear, but I have no intentions of getting back together with her. I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay friends with her.

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NO!

And where does the long distance boyfriend she cant break up with fit into this timeline? How hard is it to just send him a text "Your dumped" and move on?

Alwayscrazybacon said:

NO!

And where does the long distance boyfriend she cant break up with fit into this timeline? How hard is it to just send him a text "Your dumped" and move on?

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Ehh. While that would get the desired results I still feel like a relationship deserves a bit more effort than that, even a long distance one. My ex when she left her long distance boyfriend they skyped. Had a whole thing. I came over after it was over and consoled her. She was a mess, but he was terrible for her. I wasn't much better tbh. I like to thing Ive learned.

Edit: Also no. Dont be friends. Thats no good.

HammerFace said:

Ehh. While that would get the desired results I still feel like a relationship deserves a bit more effort than that, even a long distance one. My ex when she left her long distance boyfriend they skyped. Had a whole thing. I came over after it was over and consoled her. She was a mess, but he was terrible for her. I wasn't much better tbh. I like to thing Ive learned.

Edit: Also no. Dont be friends. Thats no good.

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That want meant to be taken literally of course I don't suggest to actually send it. The point is she could make it clear that she is breaking up with him if she wanted. I do t think she actually wanted to and blamed him for her lack of action.

JDHarbs said:

Thanks for the replies. I should've been more clear, but I have no intentions of getting back together with her. I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay friends with her.

Apparently the two of them dated for about a month and when he wanted a relationship with her, she refused and broke up with him. I can see why he would be so upset, and it helped his actions make more sense.

And regarding the other boyfriend, I brought him up again and again and she told me she didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I just chose to believe her back when she started the process of breaking up with him. Probably a mistake now that I think about it.

Granted both of these stories came from her, and I have no idea if she's lying about that too so who knows. I don't trust her anymore.

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Only if you want a casual fling here and there. She's not girlfriend/relationship material.

JDHarbs said:

Thanks for the replies. I should've been more clear, but I have no intentions of getting back together with her. I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay friends with her.

Apparently the two of them dated for about a month and when he wanted a relationship with her, she refused and broke up with him. I can see why he would be so upset, and it helped his actions make more sense.

And regarding the other boyfriend, I brought him up again and again and she told me she didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I just chose to believe her back when she started the process of breaking up with him. Probably a mistake now that I think about it.

Granted both of these stories came from her, and I have no idea if she's lying about that too so who knows. I don't trust her anymore.

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Everyone above have covered the points. Being friends could work if you want a fling here and there, but I wouldn't recommend it because you are just entering this awesome territory of confident dating.

Vern said:

Maybe it's because im a selfish POS but I don't really like when girls have the same hobby as me. If a girl is also a "gamer" then she'll take the little bit of precious time I have to myself when I get relax and play games. I much prefer if my girl has her own hobbies. She can sit there next to me and read or whatever it is she likes to do.

Also if she has her own hobbies then she has her own life and doesn't always wanna hang out with me. And sometimes we can share in each other hobbies and teach each other new things if we want.

I just hate it when I have a relationship and it seems like whatever I like is what she likes, or that I am her hobby. Ideal relationship is to see each other like 3 times per week. Go out and have fun, spend the night, travel for the weekend, but don't talk so much or bother each other all the time. Spend some time alone. Spend some time with friends. Spend some time with your SO. Need a balance. This is why my relationships never last though, most people don't want it like that, or they think if you want to be alone or not include them in some things then you don't like them very much or are cheating. That's why my longest relationships have been with career oriented women that are too busy to make a relationship the most important thing in their world.

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I am you, at 25 wanting this and it's no dice! Every girl I've met since HS tries to make me their hobby, Woman who just like to lay in bed and stare at their phone and lay in bed all day if they aren't working... all my friends date a girl like this and its toxic man.

So my 3,5 year relationship ended 2 weeks ago. After a hectic break up period, I just feel so lonely and empty inside.

We used to always message each other through the entire day, now my phone is quiet.

How do I deal with this :(

Coolwhip said:

So my 3,5 year relationship ended 2 weeks ago. After a hectic break up period, I just feel so lonely and empty inside.

We used to always message each other through the entire day, now my phone is quiet.

How do I deal with this :(

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It's breakup season and a lot more women are about to become single. Pick yourself up and start being social, join clubs or dating sites. Your phone will soon be busy again. You don't need another person for validation. You can do this! New year, new start.

Coolwhip said:

So my 3,5 year relationship ended 2 weeks ago. After a hectic break up period, I just feel so lonely and empty inside.

We used to always message each other through the entire day, now my phone is quiet.

How do I deal with this :(

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As well as bacon's advice, take time to hang out with your friends and family and try to just do things you want to do. Maybe things you never tried before, or stuff you always do. Also you just got out of a big relationship and reflecting on yourself and learning from the relationship can definitely help.

smisk said:

This might be a dumb question, but how affectionate are you supposed to be with someone you're hooking up with? Do you cuddle after sex? Do you text each other good night? This is a girl I've had over a couple times and I'm worried I like her too much. It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory a little too quickly, though we haven't overtly talked about it at all. For all I know she just wants to get laid now and then, though it seems like she likes me a lot.

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Establish early on what you're both wanting and what you're comfortable with. I've was in an FWB thing for a while recently and we established what we wanted after the first hookup. Of course, people can develop feels during this period, but at least neither party *should* feel like they were lead on by the other.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

It's breakup season and a lot more women are about to become single. Pick yourself up and start being social, join clubs or dating sites. Your phone will soon be busy again. You don't need another person for validation. You can do this! New year, new start.

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Good shit Bacon. Totally agree with this, it'll be okay Coolwhip it's totally understandable that such a sudden change has impacted you. Take a little time for yourself and get back out there when you're ready man, you now have a solid foundation of dating experiences that you can use in the future. Keep us updated mate.

Coolwhip said:

So my 3,5 year relationship ended 2 weeks ago. After a hectic break up period, I just feel so lonely and empty inside.

We used to always message each other through the entire day, now my phone is quiet.

How do I deal with this :(

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I'm 4 months deep into this process after going through a pretty devastating breakup of a 7 year relationship. I felt the same way and it sucked. I'm much more on my feet now but it actually still sucks very often.

I'm also a therapist who has in the last several months (in what is the cruelest fucking joke my life has ever played on me) by chance been working primarily with people who are going through breakups. So I've picked up a few things and I hope this helps.

• Time - it's unavoidable that you're going to feel like shit and it will take time for that to get better. It's hard to accept but will be the most important part. You have to live with this and go through the grief process and though there are many things that will help, nothing but time will actually change that. Try to avoid the conception that this is a problem to fix, because it will fix itself, even if it feels like that will never happen.
• Reconnect with friends and family - you've inevitably deprioritized them in the relationship and they will be the ones who help you through this most. They will also be the ones who make your phone less quiet until you start putting yourself out there again, whether socially or in dating.
• No contact with the ex - block all of her social media immediately. Just pull the band aid off on that and do it now. No contact, no visibility into her life. Full separation for at least several weeks until you feel better. A good barometer may be when you feel like you "want" to have contact with her, whereas right now you probably feel that you "need" it. For now, though, view it as if she is a drug that you're withdrawing from, and each hit only prolongs the process.
• Exercise - you'll feel good in the moment, you'll feel like you've taken control over something in your life when things feel out of control, and you'll look back in a few months when you've got everything together a bit more and be very grateful for the results and what it did for you in this period. Aside from activating your social support, this is the number one thing you can do for yourself right now.
• Eat well - see above.
• Moderate or eliminate your alcohol / drug use - it won't help, and it will mostly make you feel worse. Alcohol will depress you, weed will mess with your REM sleep.
• Sleep - get a good night of sleep as often as possible. You'll feel better when you do, and worse when you're tired. Having a full 8 hours of sleep is important as the REM sleep that will be most useful in processing the emotional content mostly occurs in late morning, closer to the end of the 8 hours.
• Get a new hobby or double down on an existing one - something that you can really sink time into and that distracts you.
• Find areas where you can work on developing mastery of something - exercise, your work, a hobby, a video game, whatever. Something where you can work and develop a sense of control that will provide some relief when things feel out of control.
• Consider seeing a therapist if the conditions of the breakup were particularly messed up and you are having a hard time adjusting and/or dealing with emotions in a productive way.
• Travel if you can. Get a change of scenery, get distracted.
• Journaling has been useful in having a place to vent, ramble, and look back on days when things have been rough to see that I have made progress in dealing with it.
• Rebound if you want to - it helps some. I didn't want to and I'm glad I didn't, but it's okay to get right back out there if that's what you feel like you need.

Coolwhip said:

So my 3,5 year relationship ended 2 weeks ago. After a hectic break up period, I just feel so lonely and empty inside.

We used to always message each other through the entire day, now my phone is quiet.

How do I deal with this :(

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Breakups are horrible. Is this your first serious breakup?
I don't think there are any magical words to say to you to make you suddenly get over her and feel happy. What you need to do is surround yourself with people that care about you - friends, family, co-workers if there are any. Get yourself busy - work, activities, hobbies, movies, tv shows, gaming, etc. Whatever to keep your mind busy and not dwell in the negativity and depression that comes from breakups. Most of us I reckon have been through breakups, and I agree that the sudden loss of someone close to you that you share everything with, anytime and any day, is very hard mentally and takes a while to get used to, but you'll pull through.
Good luck mate!

Yeah it's my first serious break up. Thanks for the replies all of you.

A song to listen to for now!

Coolwhip said:

Yeah it's my first serious break up. Thanks for the replies all of you.

A song to listen to for now!

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Sorry man, my recent one was for me too and it's the absolute worst feeling. It will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just do whatever you can to survive it for a while until you get your footing.

Unducks said:

I'm 4 months deep into this process after going through a pretty devastating breakup of a 7 year relationship. I felt the same way and it sucked. I'm much more on my feet now but it actually still sucks very often.

I'm also a therapist who has in the last several months (in what is the cruelest fucking joke my life has ever played on me) by chance been working primarily with people who are going through breakups. So I've picked up a few things and I hope this helps.

• Time - it's unavoidable that you're going to feel like shit and it will take time for that to get better. It's hard to accept but will be the most important part. You have to live with this and go through the grief process and though there are many things that will help, nothing but time will actually change that. Try to avoid the conception that this is a problem to fix, because it will fix itself, even if it feels like that will never happen.
• Reconnect with friends and family - you've inevitably deprioritized them in the relationship and they will be the ones who help you through this most. They will also be the ones who make your phone less quiet until you start putting yourself out there again, whether socially or in dating.
• No contact with the ex - block all of her social media immediately. Just pull the band aid off on that and do it now. No contact, no visibility into her life. Full separation for at least several weeks until you feel better. A good barometer may be when you feel like you "want" to have contact with her, whereas right now you probably feel that you "need" it. For now, though, view it as if she is a drug that you're withdrawing from, and each hit only prolongs the process.
• Exercise - you'll feel good in the moment, you'll feel like you've taken control over something in your life when things feel out of control, and you'll look back in a few months when you've got everything together a bit more and be very grateful for the results and what it did for you in this period. Aside from activating your social support, this is the number one thing you can do for yourself right now.
• Eat well - see above.
• Moderate or eliminate your alcohol / drug use - it won't help, and it will mostly make you feel worse. Alcohol will depress you, weed will mess with your REM sleep.
• Sleep - get a good night of sleep as often as possible. You'll feel better when you do, and worse when you're tired. Having a full 8 hours of sleep is important as the REM sleep that will be most useful in processing the emotional content mostly occurs in late morning, closer to the end of the 8 hours.
• Get a new hobby or double down on an existing one - something that you can really sink time into and that distracts you.
• Find areas where you can work on developing mastery of something - exercise, your work, a hobby, a video game, whatever. Something where you can work and develop a sense of control that will provide some relief when things feel out of control.
• Consider seeing a therapist if the conditions of the breakup were particularly messed up and you are having a hard time adjusting and/or dealing with emotions in a productive way.
• Travel if you can. Get a change of scenery, get distracted.
• Journaling has been useful in having a place to vent, ramble, and look back on days when things have been rough to see that I have made progress in dealing with it.
• Rebound if you want to - it helps some. I didn't want to and I'm glad I didn't, but it's okay to get right back out there if that's what you feel like you need.

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Damn good post there Unducks, it's like a condensed version of the advice we give here for these situations but from a professional. It's all true even if at the time you don't think it will work for you.

Coolwhip said:

Yeah it's my first serious break up. Thanks for the replies all of you.

A song to listen to for now!

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If your gonna have a breakup song, that's a pretty uplifting one. Also Hong Kong metro back in the day really looked like Japan with those paper flyers hanging in the carriages.

Well I talked to the girl I'm seeing some more yesterday and am feeling better about things. I think a lot of my worries come from me being afraid of commitment and projecting shit from my ex on her (like worrying she's gonna fall in love with me too fast, get overly attached etc). She seems a lot less high-maintenance and seems fine with keeping things kinda casual for now. Neither of us are that experienced with relationships so it could end disastrously, but I'm just gonna try to enjoy spending time with her and not get too caught up in my own head.

I had a good couple of days with Amy. I'll post some details later.

Coolwhip said:

Yeah it's my first serious break up. Thanks for the replies all of you.

A song to listen to for now!

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Way better than my go to of Mr. Brightside. Nice choice lol

Unducks said:

I'm 4 months deep into this process after going through a pretty devastating breakup of a 7 year relationship. I felt the same way and it sucked. I'm much more on my feet now but it actually still sucks very often.

I'm also a therapist who has in the last several months (in what is the cruelest fucking joke my life has ever played on me) by chance been working primarily with people who are going through breakups. So I've picked up a few things and I hope this helps.

• Time - it's unavoidable that you're going to feel like shit and it will take time for that to get better. It's hard to accept but will be the most important part. You have to live with this and go through the grief process and though there are many things that will help, nothing but time will actually change that. Try to avoid the conception that this is a problem to fix, because it will fix itself, even if it feels like that will never happen.
• Reconnect with friends and family - you've inevitably deprioritized them in the relationship and they will be the ones who help you through this most. They will also be the ones who make your phone less quiet until you start putting yourself out there again, whether socially or in dating.
• No contact with the ex - block all of her social media immediately. Just pull the band aid off on that and do it now. No contact, no visibility into her life. Full separation for at least several weeks until you feel better. A good barometer may be when you feel like you "want" to have contact with her, whereas right now you probably feel that you "need" it. For now, though, view it as if she is a drug that you're withdrawing from, and each hit only prolongs the process.
• Exercise - you'll feel good in the moment, you'll feel like you've taken control over something in your life when things feel out of control, and you'll look back in a few months when you've got everything together a bit more and be very grateful for the results and what it did for you in this period. Aside from activating your social support, this is the number one thing you can do for yourself right now.
• Eat well - see above.
• Moderate or eliminate your alcohol / drug use - it won't help, and it will mostly make you feel worse. Alcohol will depress you, weed will mess with your REM sleep.
• Sleep - get a good night of sleep as often as possible. You'll feel better when you do, and worse when you're tired. Having a full 8 hours of sleep is important as the REM sleep that will be most useful in processing the emotional content mostly occurs in late morning, closer to the end of the 8 hours.
• Get a new hobby or double down on an existing one - something that you can really sink time into and that distracts you.
• Find areas where you can work on developing mastery of something - exercise, your work, a hobby, a video game, whatever. Something where you can work and develop a sense of control that will provide some relief when things feel out of control.
• Consider seeing a therapist if the conditions of the breakup were particularly messed up and you are having a hard time adjusting and/or dealing with emotions in a productive way.
• Travel if you can. Get a change of scenery, get distracted.
• Journaling has been useful in having a place to vent, ramble, and look back on days when things have been rough to see that I have made progress in dealing with it.
• Rebound if you want to - it helps some. I didn't want to and I'm glad I didn't, but it's okay to get right back out there if that's what you feel like you need.

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Holy shit, this is a really great post!

I've been dating this woman for about two months now and we've been on about 10 dates. I can tell that we both find each other attractive. We have great sexual chemistry. She's introduced me to her friends and they all like me. But I don't feel any emotional connection. I've tried to be vulnerable and told her all my thoughts and feelings (not about us per say but about life and trying to bond emotionally and mentally) but I really feel like she's keeping me at an arm's length. I've tried broaching the subject with her and she basically just says that she likes me and thinks things are going well. It just all feels really casual and convenient and honestly I'm not really looking for that at this time in my life. The irony is that she says that she's specifically not looking for anything casual. So I guess my question is am I wasting my time here or does anyone have experience with something like this blossoming into something more meaningful?

IMO 2 months is still pretty early. 10 dates is like once a week. You could try talking about seeing each other more often. Great sexual chemisty is a damn good thing to have and you wouldnt be meeting the friends if she didnt like you.

My last relationship I was in for a really long time took about 6 months before we had "the talk" and became an official couple. I'd say go for it if its what you want. Sometimes you have to be patient. Bit if you like them then you have to talk it out and dont go making any rash decisions before then.Some people need more time than others to be sure its the real deal before commiting. You give up after 2 months she would probably be glad you didnt waste her time either. Just a thought.

Whoopsy dbl post

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Damn good post there Unducks, it's like a condensed version of the advice we give here for these situations but from a professional. It's all true even if at the time you don't think it will work for you.

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afroguy10 said:

Holy shit, this is a really great post!

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Thank you! I hope it can be helpful. It's been several months of being focused on the topic for personal and professional reasons, and I hope that can result in some help, relief, or at least a feeling of being understood for people on here.

LookAtMeGo said:

IMO 2 months is still pretty early. 10 dates is like once a week. You could try talking about seeing each other more often. Great sexual chemisty is a damn good thing to have and you wouldnt be meeting the friends if she didnt like you.

My last relationship I was in for a really long time took about 6 months before we had "the talk" and became an official couple. I'd say go for it if its what you want. Sometimes you have to be patient. Bit if you like them then you have to talk it out and dont go making any rash decisions before then.Some people need more time than others to be sure its the real deal before commiting. You give up after 2 months she would probably be glad you didnt waste her time either. Just a thought.

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Yeah, all this makes sense. I guess the main thing is that despite the sexual chemistry I'm getting bored. I just feel like there's no real connection here. Honestly, if she wasn't exceptionally good looking and we didn't have a good physical connection I would have probably stopped seeing her a few dates ago and since then I feel like the lack of a real connection has just been more and more obvious to me. I think that we're just wasting each others time here and I think I'm just going to have to tell her so.

EDIT: I mean she wanted to know if I wanted to go to the city with her for NYE today and I just didn't really feel like it. I was like two hours driving each way and getting a hotel room just didn't seem that great for a night of partying. I have nothing better to do but just couldn't be bothered. Yeah, I guess it's obvious that we should go our separate ways.

So I had a good time with Amy over the last couple of days. I had breakfast with her yesterday, and we hung out throughout the day, went to a few bars, and then in the evening I took her back to mine around 9. We just hung out in bed, watched television, had sex whenever we felt like it, and slept. Probably stayed in bed for about 20 hours before she and I had to go (I went to go see friends in Portsmouth, and she had a night out planned with her girlfriends)

I think it's going pretty well.

Something I didn't mention before, was that I actually don't necessarily plan on staying in Brighton. I might move to Canada soon (in the next few months). I think that could be one of the reasons she's a bit worried about falling for me. On the night we met up she spoke to me about this briefly, talking about being worried about falling for me, because I'm going to move away. I told her not to worry about it, and she said 'I know how to protect my heart'.

When we were hanging out, she was often cuddling up to me, and during a couple of points I noticed her humming a song - it was Elvis', 'I can't help but falling in love with you'. She didn't generally hum anything, so I thought that was a bit weird. I got her food, and other stuff, so she didn't need to leave bed. I made her breakfast for when she woke in the morning, I knew her new shoes had given her blisters so I went to the shop and got her some plasters, as well as some icecream as I know she likes it. She mentioned "I'm so happy right now" a couple of times.

I got a taxi back to hers, left her there and went to the station to go meet my friends. But before I was about to get into the taxi she grabbed me and we made out. Then she walked away, for a moment, turned around again, and grabbed me, and made out. She did this three times before I told her I needed to get into the taxi... not sure what to think of that, it was a slightly odd but felt good.