DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Well, instead of waiting until she's moved on the 31st and that's out of the way, she brought up doing something tomorrow or Saturday. I had mentioned that Lady Bird was finally playing here and I was going to go see it, and earlier she had asked if I had plans this weekend but didn't say much more. She watched the trailer, thought it looked good and asked if we could go see it this weekend. So that's what we're doing, tomorrow evening.

I suggested that maybe we go out for food (or ice cream which she had suggested before) prior to the movie so that we can get to know eachother first, since you can't talk during a movie and it'd be less awkward that way.

My anxiety is going to be on full alert, but I'm looking forward to it and hope it'll go well. She's really nice, talkative and has a good head on her shoulders, not to mention good taste. It's been a while since I've been on an actual date, though, and I look like a bum so I'm going to need to try to get a haircut and beard trim beforehand. Hopefully I can get that done before picking her up, after my friend leaves.

Salamando said:

Move on. If you're not attracted to her now, you probably wont be on the next date, or the fourth, or the seventh. Dating her more is just wasting both of your time.

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I guess you're right thanks man

SmashBro said:

Guys I need some advice. Just had a first date with this girl I've been chatting with for the last two weeks and it went really well, she's very nice, smart and funny. The issue is I didn't really feel any attraction to her physically, like she's not ugly but just very... plain I guess? Should I keep seeing her and hope my feelings change or should I spend my time with someone else that I'm attracted to?

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Attraction is very important and if it's not there at the start don't expect it to be something that grows. Tell her you had a good time but your not feeling it. Then move on.

Had a first date today that went very well! We have a lot in common, she's funny, passionate about what she does, and is just a lot of fun to be around. We hung out for about 3 hours before calling it a night. I'm definitely going to ask for a second date tomorrow.

Also touched base with my date from the other night. We're going to set something up for next week once she gets her work schedule.

I've got a tentative date for tomorrow and one set for Sunday. Things are going well!

Raptomex said:

I would never do this just because of the awkwardness, alone. As you mentioned, there's a good chance it could bring you closer to the relationship you got out of. I, personally, would feel awkward or even sad, depending on how the break up went.

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Looks like it might be a non-issue, because I think she's ghosting me now. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't have gotten excited when she suggested the next date at the end of the first. It might just have been a tactic.

Since August, I've matched with like 12 real people on Tinder. Went on a first date with five of those. Made it to the second date with two. Both of them single moms, actually. A friend told me "it's because they're more desperate".

How am I doing, guys?

vrcsix said:

Looks like it might be a non-issue, because I think she's ghosting me now. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't have gotten excited when she suggested the next date at the end of the first. It might just have been a tactic.

Since August, I've matched with like 12 real people on Tinder. Went on a first date with five of those. Made it to the second date with two. Both of them single moms, actually. A friend told me "it's because they're more desperate".

How am I doing, guys?

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Your dating an average of one person a month, that's not a bad average. Lots of people agree to second dates, just to be polite. Once they get back home and have a think they change thier mind. That why my advice for every guy that posts here and says they had a great first date, the girl was 'every positive adjective" and wanted a second date not to get thier hopes up becuse 8 out of 10 end up in a ghost.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Attraction is very important and if it's not there at the start don't expect it to be something that grows. Tell her you had a good time but your not feeling it. Then move on.

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I've been in situations/relationships where I wasn't feeling any physical attraction at first, but it did develop over time. In one instance, quite considerably. It is rare, but it can happen.

*edit - I should mention that increased emotional intimacy played a major role in increasing physical attraction.

vrcsix said:

Looks like it might be a non-issue, because I think she's ghosting me now. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't have gotten excited when she suggested the next date at the end of the first. It might just have been a tactic.

Since August, I've matched with like 12 real people on Tinder. Went on a first date with five of those. Made it to the second date with two. Both of them single moms, actually. A friend told me "it's because they're more desperate".

How am I doing, guys?

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Out of all of the matches I get, probably only 3 out of 4 even respond to my initial message. Then, about a third of those end up in a first date. From there, maybe a quarter OF THOSE lead to second dates.

It's just a numbers game. Everyone's got other things or people vying for their attention, and it's likely just going to take some time. Someone who finds a relationship right off the bat is an anomaly. For everyone else, the key is just treating each new person and new date as a fresh possibility. You can't control how it turns out, but you present your best true self and hope for sparks.

In other words, you're doing fine.

Ernest said:

I've been in situations/relationships where I wasn't feeling any physical attraction at first, but it did develop over time. In one instance, quite considerably. It is rare, but it can happen.

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Was it in a dating scenario? Or just someone you were friends with that you grew attracted to over time?

I think it would be fine in the latter's case but if we already were on a date and I didn't feel any attraction, I'd feel bad about continuing to date them with the hope that maybe I might possibly feel a little more attracted to them over time.

Girls has way more options than guys. Thats why getting that 2nd date can be difficult

Wow getting rejected for a tinder date sucks

Why even match smh

Am I that disappointing in text ugh

Jintor said:

Wow getting rejected for a tinder date sucks

Why even match smh

Am I that disappointing in text ugh

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Some people swipe on every profile and just filter the matches, others do it for boredom, making friends or just for validation. Don't think anything of it and just unmatch.

The date I went on today was a bust. She was a nice girl but I'm not interested in a second date. For one thing she didn't look like her photos at all. After the date I went back through the photos to try and reconcile the difference and found only one that kind of looked like her. All of the others seemed to be from several years ago, at least. Personality wise we didn't seem to have much in common either. Oh well. Got another first date for Sunday.

I asked my date from last night for a second date and she said yes so we'll do something next week. Two second dates next week! I'm excited.

EDIT: Oh fuck me, autocorrect might have just torpedoed my chances. I told her I watched a movie after our date last night and I tried to say I "teared up a little," but it autocorrected to "traded up a little." I only caught it just now and corrected it. Fucking hell I hope she gets that that was a bad autocorrect and didn't think I preferred a movie to her. Why does my fucking phone keep trying to kill my dating life. It's the worst wingman in the world.

Your mobile is seriously possessed, Beren. What type of phone?

Subpar Scrub said:

Some people swipe on every profile and just filter the matches, others do it for boredom, making friends or just for validation. Don't think anything of it and just unmatch.

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Tinder is a game for half it's users that's why I never liked it.

Subpar Scrub said:

Your mobile is seriously possessed, Beren. What type of phone?

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An iPhone 6.

In the past it has also played a fun game where it randomly wouldn't let me know when somebody matched me and/or sent me a message. And only with dating apps. Other apps work fine.

It wants me to be single for some reason. The question is why.

All you need is Siri.

Oh my god my life is Doki Doki Literature Club.

SmashBro said:

Guys I need some advice. Just had a first date with this girl I've been chatting with for the last two weeks and it went really well, she's very nice, smart and funny. The issue is I didn't really feel any attraction to her physically, like she's not ugly but just very... plain I guess? Should I keep seeing her and hope my feelings change or should I spend my time with someone else that I'm attracted to?

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Plain like a plain bagel missing smoked salmon and cream cheese?

I just got home from my date. I picked her up at about 5:15 and dropped her off after 11. It went really well, much better than I could've planned for.

She told me she lived close to an out of town movie theatre, but I'd lost the text with her address and texted her to get it again when I was leaving getting my haircut. Didn't get a reply though, so I drove into the north end of the city and waited to hear back and stopped at GameStop to kill time. I guess my text didn't arrive until I sent another one to tell her I was there, so she sent me her address then and it turned out she lived in the south end so it took about 10 minutes to get there.

Picked her up, then we went to Dairy Queen (her choice). She ordered a small blizzard, but I asked if that's all she wanted and she went with a poutine as well. We sat and had ice cream for a while, then drove around a bit, before going to see Lady Bird. We had talked in the truck a bit beforehand, because we got to the movie early. I didn't want to waste too much gas driving around.

It was pretty evident she liked me early on. She grabbed my arm while walking out of Dairy Queen and asked if it was okay, then said she felt comfortable around me. She was all over me during the movie (cuddling wise), then asked if we could do so in the back of the truck later. We made out for a while and hung out, then I drove her home. Ended up dropping her off a while after the movie.

I think I'm going to be helping her move on Wednesday. She had said she was moving on the 31st, and I'd said I'd offer to help but it'd be weird since we didn't know eachother, but now we do.

FireSafetyBear said:

Plain like a plain bagel missing smoked salmon and cream cheese?

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Cool stuff TheBeardedOne that's good to hear.

SmashBro said:

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Donkey Grandpa is sooo good

Subpar Scrub said:

Cool stuff TheBeardedOne that's good to hear.

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Thanks. It was my first date in a while, and I generally don't have much luck.

Just had a great date. Even snagged a kiss at the end.
Oh boy, Era, I'm in love. Someone hold me.

*insert simpsons gif here*

I think this one could end up being something good, myself. Maybe my first relationship.

TheBeardedOne said:

I think this one could end up being something good, myself. Maybe my first relationship.

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Slow down, your overinvesting mentally already.

SO I ended up breaking up with that girl after about a week from my last post, she didn't really want a relationship and I didn't want to be in one who lives her lifestyle. I was at a party with her and this new girl I've been talking to also, and my ex put her head on mine and kind of just hugged me for a minute.

Me being the hopeless romantic I am, kind of just took it and didn't reciprocate or give body language to stop. I was turned on at first but she really reeked of smoke and I was reminded of why we decided to break up in the first place. Idk if not doing anything was the right move, oh well it was just weird and kind of uncomfortable.

The new girl was ok, she was high for like the first half of the party, so that was nice it loosened her up to me. After that i helped cook the steak so I didn't really talk to her till the end of the party, but we had some nice time to talk. I made her laugh and we hugged for a little bit, but honestly I don't know if she likes me. I was to much of a pussy to ask her but oh while I'll do it next week.

In conclusion I really don't know where I am going with my love life rn, but I should be focusing on school anyways, AP bio notes won't write themselves.

Girl from Wednesday just left after second date last night. Damn she is pretty amazing. Cute, funny, and probably smarter than me. Only trouble is she's moving to another city 2 hours away in a month, and will stay there for three months. Don't know atm if I want an LDR like that. We'll see I guess.

Also have the other girl coming over for second date tonight, should be good. I gotta say it's a new sensation to be simultaneously seeing two girls this intimately, and I'm not sure I like it. Any advice?

Tesdant said:

Just had a great date. Even snagged a kiss at the end.
Oh boy, Era, I'm in love. Someone hold me.

*insert simpsons gif here*

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TheBeardedOne said:

I think this one could end up being something good, myself. Maybe my first relationship.

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Ya'll both gonna scare off these girls if you keep this up. Play it cool.

charloselsenor said:

SO I ended up breaking up with that girl after about a week from my last post, she didn't really want a relationship and I didn't want to be in one who lives her lifestyle. I was at a party with her and this new girl I've been talking to also, and my ex put her head on mine and kind of just hugged me for a minute.

Me being the hopeless romantic I am, kind of just took it and didn't reciprocate or give body language to stop. I was turned on at first but she really reeked of smoke and I was reminded of why we decided to break up in the first place. Idk if not doing anything was the right move, oh well it was just weird and kind of uncomfortable.

The new girl was ok, she was high for like the first half of the party, so that was nice it loosened her up to me. After that i helped cook the steak so I didn't really talk to her till the end of the party, but we had some nice time to talk. I made her laugh and we hugged for a little bit, but honestly I don't know if she likes me. I was to much of a pussy to ask her but oh while I'll do it next week.

In conclusion I really don't know where I am going with my love life rn, but I should be focusing on school anyways, AP bio notes won't write themselves.

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Haha I don't even know how to start with this post. First, kill all contact with your ex - heck if she goes to the same events as you, do everything you can to avoid her.

You should of totally hit up the high girl while you were cooking, but if you think she enjoyed the hug go for it as you said next week. Don't be shy, the worse that can happen is she let's you know she isn't interested and that's best for both parties to know early on.

Jokab said:

I gotta say it's a new sensation to be simultaneously seeing two girls this intimately, and I'm not sure I like it

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You don't have to. I personally don't do that because I don't feel like I would be able to give each person 100 percent of myself.

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Slow down, your overinvesting mentally already.

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Vern said:

Ya'll both gonna scare off these girls if you keep this up. Play it cool.

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Take these advice. I wish I had been here talking this through before scaring off the one girl I was really into :(.

Sigh.

vrcsix said:

Take these advice. I wish I had been here talking this through before scaring off the one girl I was really into :(.

Sigh.

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How did you scare her off? Sorry, but knowing your folly might be good for others.

Jokab said:

I gotta say it's a new sensation to be simultaneously seeing two girls this intimately, and I'm not sure I like it. Any advice?

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I felt like shit even if I only had one date with each girl that was on the same week.
Had to cut with the first girl on the third date after the second date with the second girl (even of still nothing happened with that girl while the first girl already wanted to fuck at that time) because i had more feelings for the second.
Thankfully for me it seems I did the right choice and Im already in a 2 months relationship with the second girl, and she is absolutely great, but I still feel a little shitty as 1 of the weeks i was basically dating 2 girls at the same time.
It was also difficult for me to cut ties with the other girl as she seemed really infatuated with me already, and even if she said she understanded (never told any of them about the other girl though) she cried a little so that made me feel worse.

I know theres some people that doing multiple dates at the same time is just a normal thing, but apart from the feeling of havibg finally various romantic options i could choose, the rest was difficult, so i understand you saying if you are not sure you like the sensation.

Vern said:

Ya'll both gonna scare off these girls if you keep this up. Play it cool.

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Yeah, the amount of people I see on here talking relationship after 1 good date...Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is a relationship.

:)

Mr.Beep said:

How did you scare her off? Sorry, but knowing your folly might be good for others.

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Probably by coming on too strong, telling her how much he likes her, and generally making her feel like he's desperate. That's the usual, But I can't answer for him .

Vern said:

Ya'll both gonna scare off these girls if you keep this up. Play it cool.

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Okay. I'll take that advice to heart and try to use it.

She was definitely more forward and talkative about things than me, though. Made the moves as well.

TheBeardedOne said:

Okay. I'll take that advice to heart and try to use it.

She was definitely more forward and talkative about things than me, though. Made the moves as well.

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Good she's making moves. By all means get physical, date her, have fun... but don't act like you wanna marry her and make babies until you know, a year or two down the line.

Vern said:

Good she's making moves. By all means get physical, date her, have fun... but don't act like you wanna marry her and make babies until you know, a year or two down the line.

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Good advice. I can't help but think ahead and it's a problem I'm trying to work on.

I'll try not to think about that stuff and take it slowly. I didn't say anything about a relationship last night so that's a start given my track record, haha.

SmashBro said:

Guys I need some advice. Just had a first date with this girl I've been chatting with for the last two weeks and it went really well, she's very nice, smart and funny. The issue is I didn't really feel any attraction to her physically, like she's not ugly but just very... plain I guess? Should I keep seeing her and hope my feelings change or should I spend my time with someone else that I'm attracted to?

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I am in a similar spot right now. Gonna go on a third date tonight, but I am not really feeling it. She is very nice but I am not feeling the attraction. I thought I might develop some deeper feelings but it doesnt seem to be happening. I feel really bad about it but I'm gonna feel things out tonight. My advice would be to move on; don't try and force something that is not there.

Mr.Beep said:

How did you scare her off? Sorry, but knowing your folly might be good for others.

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Vern said:

Probably by coming on too strong, telling her how much he likes her, and generally making her feel like he's desperate. That's the usual, But I can't answer for him .

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It's not quite like that. She told me how she missed me when we were apart, I told her the same, and that "because I feel this way I think I might be in love with you". Her face sort of lit up as I said that, and then she said "but we don't know each other that well". And I replied "well, I didn't mean it in the deep sense". And she said "well, love is a deep thing". Right then, my inner voice barked at me "you idiot, you stole an important moment from her", and I started freaking out and tried to walk it back: "well, you know, I only said I MIGHT", and so on. Then I went on to talk about my inexperience romantically (and sexually), thinking that would invalidate my words. I just kept on digging that hole until she sat up in bed and said "well, I'm sorry I made you sad". And I said, "no no, I'm not sad, I'm just frustrated with myself and none of this is your fault". At that point I tried to steer us back onto sex, but I was up to my ears in anxiety and couldn't get it up.

It had gotten really late and she had work in the morning, so we went to sleep. In the morning, she was noticeably tired and I made a quick breakfast. This was the first time it felt really bad between us. She sat down and looked at me like I was some kind of monster trying to enslave her there or something. Now she was unsettled. "I can't really eat in the morning. Look, how long do I have to stay?". I was like "Have to? If you need to run, I'll see you out". She was just really worn out, stressed, and overall in a bad mood. She leaves. And I knew that was it. I knew the next time I would try to call her, she wouldn't pick up. She would somehow cancel our plans for the weekend. And that's what happened.

She would later get in touch with me and apologize for blowing me off, only to blow me off again. Then couple of months of silence pass and I decide to write a final text apologizing for making her uncomfortable, wishing her well, and all that. She again apologizes for blowing me off, but this time actually suggests a time and place for us to meet. But then I come down with the flu and have to give a rain check. When I try to contact her the next week, she's gone again. Later that week, I wake up to a text saying "I'll be honest: I've quickly developed strong feelings for someone else, so it's not fair to you if we meet. Hope you understand.". I took that day off work, and I've been struggling with my mood ever since.

And that's about it. Yeah, I can see where it became overbearing to her, but I think the main issue is that I put my inexperience, insecurities, and social anxiety on display. Big time. I know that shit is ugly and can kill attraction real fast, and had done fairly well to keep it in check. But then it all came crumbling down.

Lessons learned:

- Don't let yourself get emotionally involved with someone until you feel you can trust them with your feelings.

- Avoid using the word "love", at least until you know what the other person's view of it is. Temper the urge to tell the other person how you feel, particularly early on.

- If you're not good with words, think carefully about the discussions you start.

At 30, all of this has been a humbling experience for sure.

So updating about my previous drama:

Im single now, thursday evening/night we were supposed to talk on the phone (after agreeing to it in the morning) to discuss things once more but she was too busy to talk with me that day. I basically told her in the afternoon to tell me when she would be free to talk, she answered at like 11+ pm telling me she was too busy to talk with me and to talk tomorrow (her 5 day job ends at like 5-6 pm max so that annoyed me already). That reminded me once again of things that irked me about her behavior: not being able to make herself free time to talk with me even though we are at several kms/miles away and considering the fact that we were supposed to talk that day by mutual agreement to begin with.

Anyway that irked me so I made up my mind and texted her a long ass text (I would have sent an audio but I didnt feel like going out to the park just to say it) basically saying that we are over for good since our personalities/behaviors clash too much and we dont seem to be able to fix those clashes, I thanked her for the good moments we had, for the things I learn along the way with her and wished her a good life.

The following day she texted me saying that if I dont want to keep with the relationship then she cant force me, and that shes sad that I didnt accept her personality and that shes chill with herself because she gave everything of herself to try to make this work (uh..) and wished me a good life.

I was about to leave it at that but couldnt avoid sending a last text clarifying that I do accept the way she is, but that doesnt mean that I like it/is the best for me, and basically I said that the break up was because of a bad match of our personalities/behaviors that would lead to same problems in the future since we didnt find a solution already the best was to leave it at that, this decision is the most healthy for us right now and thats why I took it.

Anyway thats it, Im back in the game I guess. I dont use online dating so I doubt I will post much (I mostly try through clubs hoping to find someone cool) but I will try to stay active nonetheless. Right now im not that sad since I think I already "spent" a lot of sadness these past weeks since I already had in mind that breaking up would be the best for us, but well I still get sad from time to time when I think about her, time to occupy my mind in other things. I already hit the gym few times a week at least so thats something lol. Tbh im in awesome physical shape, but problem for me is that my hair is starting to thin :( well thats life I guess..

Thanks everyone for the feedback and for reading :), have a nice day.

She laughed off the autocorrect fuckup like I had hoped she would. She has a great sense of humor so it would have been weird if she got upset, but you never know this early into dating someone. And what was she doing on a Friday night? Watching the Lord of the Rings. I'm definitely looking forward to date number 2.

Also I had forgotten this but she mentioned on our date that she liked reading Harry Potter fanfic. I mentioned I didn't read any fanfic and only knew of one. She asked me which and I said the one where the giant squid in the lake gets it on with Hogwarts Castle. This one: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3096379/1/First-Encounter

This probably should have been a huge mistake but she wanted me to send it to her. I didn't end up doing this so she went out on her own and found it... And she thought it was hilarious and is going to share it with all of her friends. I keep snatching victory from the jaws of defeat here.

Vern said:

Ya'll both gonna scare off these girls if you keep this up. Play it cool.

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drunken hyperbole must not translate well via text

ryutaro's mama said:

Yeah, the amount of people I see on here talking relationship after 1 good date...Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is a relationship.

:)

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I've had a 7 year relationship blossom out of a one night stand years ago. my perception may be a bit sketchy.

On my trip to Pakistan in Dec, met a girl for a date there and we hit it off. Met her parents too. Because of the distance, it didn't work out but was a fun holiday romance.

Went to Amsterdam last wednesday and met a legal editor girl for a date there who also doubled as a tour guide. That was fun walking all around the city for like five hours, taking in the sights (also recommend going into This Is Holland), having awesome food (The Seafood Bar and the pancakes place are highly recommended). I could see a future with this one but the distance and her having to find work here could be an issue. The 45mph winds made her hair whip around like a Head and Shoulders commercial.

Another first date last thursday, at Covent Garden. Ate at B Bakery. Seem more like friends than anything. Messaged her to say just that. It was good to see someone else working in my field so we had good conversation on that at least.

Met a teacher girl for a first date yesterday Saturday after work. Ate at Salt and Peppers (typical desi stomping ground in Leicester Square lol), had a great chat for an hour and then she propositioned walking around the city in the evening. Took up her offer, walked around for 2 hours without any specific direction, just chatting and walking. Ended up at Regent's Park. Was lovely, we connected a lot. She's even prettier in person, very intelligent, witty, empathic, deep, and fun to be around. Could see a future with this one, too lol. I asked what's her timeframe to getting married, she said "tomorrow, let's get married tomorrow", we joked but tbh I think we'd be good together.

Next on the docket is a doctor girl who wants to meet me after her Paris trip.

This was just more of a catch up with how my search is going, hope everyone else is enjoying their dating time as much :D

Oh right, forgot to mention I got to let down one girl who's more into me than I'm into her. I'll leave her a message now.

After the date last night, she asked me to text her when I got home. I did, but didn't hear the alert that she'd replied and assumed she'd fallen asleep. She did reply, though.

I woke up early, but waited until close to noon to text her again. She had said after 10 was usually best. Anyways, I didn't hear back. I waited and texted her again at 7pm, but still haven't heard back. She had been having issues receiving texts, so hopefully that's all it is.

Tesdant said:

I've had a 7 year relationship blossom out of a one night stand years ago. my perception may be a bit sketchy.

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Everybody's relationship starts with the first day.

TheBeardedOne said:

After the date last night, she asked me to text her when I got home. I did, but didn't hear the alert that she'd replied and assumed she'd fallen asleep. She did reply, though.

I woke up early, but waited until close to noon to text her again. She had said after 10 was usually best. Anyways, I didn't hear back. I waited and texted her again at 7pm, but still haven't heard back. She had been having issues receiving texts, so hopefully that's all it is.

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Relax dude.

What kinda stuff do you talk about in the awkward lulls in conversation on a first or otherwise early date?

I know, I know, a great date probs shouldn't have those lulls, but I could use some tips regardless.

I usually either use news or recent events in order to flow into a discussion about interests/genres, or I just raw ask a question about them.

Examples: "Just before I got here a mate of mine linked me to the IT trailer, you gonna watch it when it comes out? Looks super freaky."

Or

"Have you heard of (bandname) before? They're playing here in a few months and I'm super excited for it. What sort of music do you like?"

This doesn't always work though. I've had a date reply with "I don't know/not really" to "what music do you like" and "Is there anywhere you'd like to visit around the world?" At that point I kinda just cut my losses.