The last thing I read on the "other site" was your signing off post Armadilo.
There is someone out there for everyone Armadilo, trust me. Just keep putting yourself out there, try not to fear or resent rejection, as much as you can, and stay the fuck away from instagram unless you're trying to promote something.
On another note, while we're talking about LSD:
Right before I left Jersey, I was working at a 91 year old bed and breakfast on the shore, a giant old house two blocks from the beach. I had worked there for years, and loved the place, I more or less ran the place. It was your typical old converted mansion, with 35 guest rooms, but it had that old house quality where it would "breathe", the floors would creak, it was drafty in the winter, and the doors would move back and forth with the "breathing", and if left partly open, they would creak loudly as they did. Everyone thought the place was haunted, it still had gas lamps mounded on the walls, had giant pillars in the high ceiling lobby, and fancy trim and crystal door handles you find in your typical old north eastern house.
We would close it down for winter, when the town became a ghost town, and it sometimes me and my friends would go hang out there and play video games or watch movies on the giant screen TV in the lobby. When the sun went down, there were dark corners and shadows everywhere, even when the lights were on, and the 3rd floor had a door leading to the attic that my friends would challenge each other to go stand by alone, because, well, you felt something when you did. It was cold and drafty, but it was a really cool place to gather, and if you got to drunk you could just crash in one of the rooms.
The door to the attic open to some narrow stairs that led to a giant A frame attic space, that had a small room, maybe 8x8, in the front that the previous owner had left locked. Me and my best friend once opened that room by removing he door hinges and found boxes of manila folders with cut out pictures of women sorted by appearance and ethnicity, it was freaky. Some of the pictures were form catalogs, some from playboy and some from various pornography. We put the door back on and never opened the room again.
Anyway, we were all suppose to get together and hang out there one night, I had gone early and started playing video games by myself. I had two quarter sheets of some REALLY good acid, made by my friend, he gave them to me wrapped in cellophane. I sold one sheet to my buddy and put the other sheet in some foil and put that in the freezer. My GF was going to drop some with me that night, but she had to stay home, so while I was waiting I just put the cellophane that they had come in in my mouth, cuz, you know, I knew acid that was not really bonded to freshly dry paper would have left a good bit, and did not want to waste that.
It was already dark, I got tired of playing Perfect Dark, and started looking thought the cable channels, and as I was waiting for my other three buddies, a movie that I always wanted to watch, The Exorcist, came on cable. I thought fuck it, this could be an adventure, the LSD had not kicked in, and I figured it could only enhance the experience. As this extremely disturbing movie started setting up it's narrative, one by one my buddies called to say they couldn't make it, one had to stay with his kid, and I forget why the other two called, but it was just me. I thought, "ok, no worries, I'm already dosed, this is gonna be great, perfect place and setting", and the waves were crashing loudly that night so you could feel the "boom" as the shore break would close up, so it was felt like the perfect atmosphere.
Two things here, one, I'm a perpetual skeptic, I don't believe in the paranormal, I would love to see a ghost or spirit, but the idea is just ridiculous to me, in every fashion, I'm a man of science and fact. Two, I greatly underestimated both the strength and the quantity of the LSD on the fucking cellophane. Half way through the movie, I'm fucking living it, and I mean, I am in a battle with the devil in the room with the characters, just completely immersed in this experience and challenging my own views of mortality and the battle of good and evil. I can see things in the atmosphere around me that I could not see before, naturally, movements and shapes, but I'm fully engrossed in this experience. The darkness around me was not filled with your normal colorful fractal based visuals you'd get from this drug, but something that made the darkness take shape, I could feel variations in temperature around me, and I felt like the place was calling out to me, but not with sound, but really intense vibrations. I was experiencing a really weird sensation like there was some kind of living force to this structure, like all the experiences that occurred withing the walls of this building had created a kind of force. I had read about things like this, experiences attaching themselves to physical objects, but as a skeptic who takes things with a grain of salt, this was a very strange sensation to be in the middle of.
It overwhelmingly felt like, at that moment, the bed and breakfast had always been calling out to me.... for help, but this was the first time I could hear it clearly. It felt like something awful was attached the the physical structure of this old house, like it wanted me to help it be cleansed like the characters in this movie were trying to do, like I now had access to some empathy for it that I had not had before. It all mixed together with this crazy shit in front of me on the screen, into this weird mesmerizing understanding. I was completely engrossed in it, and determined to finish this movie while this happened around me to learn something that I need to learn.
This is the thing, I don't remember the end of this movie, I don't remember anything past a little more than half way. What i remember is becoming conscious of my surroundings, like I was waking from a dream, to find my self sitting crossed legged in the middle of the COMPLETELY black hard wood floored A-frame attic of this bed and breakfast. There were two vents in the attic from the two pubic bathrooms on the third floor, and from one I could hear laughing, and from the other I could hear crying, in stereo, to my direct left and right, and from that locked room in front of me, the room right next to the top of the stairs out of this space, I could hear whispering. It was COLD AS SHIT, I mean, bone chilly. I went from sitting in front of that giant TV in the lobby to suddenly freezing cold darkness, with NO memory of what happened in between. I was not... terrified, I mean, I felt fear, but I felt a huge sense of wonderment. It was not like I was hearing ghost, but more like I was hearing the experiences of the house.
I slowly stood up, walked in perfect darkness to where I know the stairs would start, felt the top of the banister that was on the right side, and made my way down. I could hear the silence in between the crying and laughter and whispering, everything was deafening to my senses. As I reached the bottom, the door slowly, with a creaking sound that fucking sounded louder than thunder to me, opened in front of me. I continued down the stairs to the lobby, old stairs that are not built to code and are larger than normal stairs due to their age. I was shaking with overwhelming sensory sensations, but I had that placed memorized in my head from going up and down constantly for years, so I effortlessly just slowly walked down in the dark, with the three sounds becoming fainter and fainter as I went down. When I reached the final stairs to the open space of the lobby, the TV was black, with the video 2 shit on the screen, and it was about three hours after I stared the movie according to the clock on the counter. I grabbed my coat, walked out the front door, and walked to the beach. As I crossed the boardwalk, it occurred to me that there seemed to not be a trace of the effects of acid in me, no visuals no feeling, nothing, stone sober. I've done enough acid to know I should still be tripping. I walked up and down that beach for an hour and went home.
The owners sold the bed and breakfast that winter, and I moved away after we closed it up, but it was a shame, because, after all this time there, I now felt bonded to that place. I felt... it's strange, but I felt close to it, like it was a living thing that I had helped somehow. When I heard the new owner had bought the place just for the property, and tore the house down, I felt very very sad, like someone I knew died, and... I cried. I know that sounds stupid, but this experience had imprinted something on me.
I've never told anyone about this, and I've never seen the end of the Exorcist. Every bit of this is true and as best as I can remember it.
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