DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

So you know that sitcom plot where two people like each other and absolutely want to have sex with each other but have to wait for various reasons and comedy ensues? Well that's me atm. Cause the one girl I've been dating is still sick and we're trying to keep the texting kind of tame because it's still early on and we haven't slept with each other yet and I personally don't want to get too much into it and build up to something and have unrealistic expectations. I think she's thinking along the same wavelength. We're still good but it leads to some moments of one of us starting to talk a bit dirty and the other joining in and then both of us going "Well I can't wait to see you again!" once it starts ramping up. Lol. It's both funny and obviously a bit frustrating. At least we're on the same page and have been honest about our feelings towards each other. And once she's not sick good times will be had.

Despite all of that we're having some good conversation (as much as we can, she's still sick after all) and it always feels good to have someone tell me they're really into me and enjoying getting to know me better. So we're in a good place and yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... just taking some cold showers in the meantime.

*whistles*

*goes back to playing Contra III*

Good work guy, be patient.

My girl suggested cycling around London using those Santander cycles for our date yesterday. Such a good call, that was so much fun. So if anyone needs a date idea in London, that's one!

Messofanego said:

My girl suggested cycling around London using those Santander cycles for our date yesterday. Such a good call, that was so much fun. So if anyone needs a date idea in London, that's one!

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I've done similar dates with my wife on share bikes. Its great fun but I'd reccomend finding a quieter place away from traffic if you can.

So its my day off work, I stay up late doing the usual shite, games, tv, reading incorrect opinions of the internet. Get to sleep around 5.

Housemate wakes me at 9.30 on the way to work to look at my mails. From the landlord. I think oh shit did I forget to pay the rent. Nah turns out our new flatmate has decided to leave after 2 months the landlord doesn't accept and is taking it as notice we are all leaving in April.

Wish i hadn't read that on my morning off. Feel a not stressed (a rare feeling for me I'm super relaxed about most things) which I hate. Go back asleep.

End up having a dream about my ex. I don't remember the last time o dreamt of her. Not while I've been seeing my current girlfriend anyway.

Even the scenario in the dream sucked, I'm walking to the shop I live above looking dorky and eating food or something and she walks by with her new bf, who ISNA Creation of my imagination as I don't know what he looks like.

Anyway she stops to say hi, his are you doing, all that. And I'more frosty, stop a second say hi, don't hug properly keep distance and jerky. I keep on moving, but in a way where you look bad.

Somehow I meet her again, in a bus that's also a bar, hey this is a dream damnit, and we talk and I say something like hey why did you just disappear.

Anyway I woke up, mumbling something like get out of my dream. Guess I figured out it wasn't real at the end.

That's quite annoying, but I think this girl will never fully leave me, we were together a year but worked nearby every day and she was who I was with when my mother died.

My gf is in her apartment the last two nights, wonder if that is also a cause.

Losing this apartment would suck. My plan was my gf would move in, for next few months decreasing both out bills, and after July, I move to Japan. This will fuck with my plans.

Tl;Dr New flatmate decideds to leave, landlord wants to kick us all out, I get stressed, dream about meeting an ex who was in life at a critical time. My plans might get fucked up, I make cathartic post. You read.

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying (or are usually to exhausted for that after the workweek ended) and are more or less reliant on online dating?


Edit: One post and my depression about how it didnt worked out with that one girl from one month ago comes right back lol

GAMEPROFF said:

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying (or are usually to exhausted for that after the workweek ended) and are more or less reliant on online dating?

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I don't think most of us believe in soulmates, rather that there are some people out there who are much more suited to each other than others.

How ever you can meet a special someone in a multitude of ways.

What I would say is are you using "tiredness" as an excuse to be antisocial?

If you do nothing on the weekend, don't go out, don't see things, don't meet friends, then what are you working or living for?

Anyway, the more you do and see the more chances you have and you'll be a more interested and well rounded person so not only will you have more chance, you'll have better chances.

GAMEPROFF said:

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying (or are usually to exhausted for that after the workweek ended) and are more or less reliant on online dating?

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Okay, I'm going to answer your question broadly.

• Soulmates don't exist. Or rather, there's more than one possible person out there for you.
• If you're too exhausted to go out on the weekend, you're making excuses. (Note: You don't need to hit up EDM clubs like I do, but you should be social.)
• Yes, people have met their future SO or spouse through online dating.

Now, specifically: your question's weird. Why would you think that your "soulmate" is in a club and not on Tinder? Do you not see tons of people around you who met their SOs online?

GAMEPROFF said:

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying (or are usually to exhausted for that after the workweek ended) and are more or less reliant on online dating?


Edit: One post and my depression about how it didnt worked out with that one girl from one month ago comes right back lol

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I tried online dating, got dates but never followup dates (about 50/50 I didn't want a followup or was ghosted), but starting to frequent this local bar a couple times a week, I started doing a lot better overall. In the super early stages of seeing someone that I met there right now, and I've gotten a couple other dates too. You don't have to go party, just go someplace that's a social environment you're comfortable in. I hate loud, crowded bars or just large swaths of people in general, and this place is a nice compromise to all that. I'm sure you could find someplace local too.

Partying is just not for me. Its indeed exhausting for me and I am indeed super tired after one week of getting up at 5.30. And in regards of going to bars, I just have no idea what to do there once I am done drinking my soda. I would not say that I am completly unsocial, but I like to stay to my people and I have indeed not that many friends.
In regards of soulpartner, I was just looking in a word, I somehow didnt found the word partner ^^

GAMEPROFF said:

Partying is just not for me. Its indeed exhausting for me and I am indeed super tired after one week of getting up at 5.30. And in regards of going to bars, I just have no idea what to do there once I am done drinking my soda. I would not say that I am completly unsocial, but I like to stay to my people and I have indeed not that many friends.
In regards of soulpartner, I was just looking in a word, I somehow didnt found the word partner ^^

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Do you not drink? And what do you mean "stay to your people?" All of you go the bar. Hell I sometimes just go the bar by myself and hope to meet some new people. I've actually become close friends with some of the bartenders and the owner of the one I go to, but it did take me a while to feel like going alone was not lame or sad. You get there. If you're not gonna go out then it's just adding an extra layer of difficulty to it all. Plus, you need to get used to going out and to new places anyway, cause that's gonna be a rather large part of dating someone. Better to get comfortable with it now than be super stressed about it while trying to get to know someone.

GAMEPROFF said:

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying

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I've never met any of my girlfriends in bars. Sure I've had one night stands from bars/clubs but everything more substantial was outside of that. Also stop expecting to find a soulmate or the one. Its bullshit that will cloud your judgement and put too much pressure on a developing relationship.

Fucking finally, after a dry spell on tinder for a month I uploaded a professional photo of myself and got a few quality matches.

I just say on tinder that I'm looking for friends but if I wanted to say "or something more" how would I phrase it?

vegohead said:

Fucking finally, after a dry spell on tinder for a month I uploaded a professional photo of myself and got a few quality matches.

I just say on tinder that I'm looking for friends but if I wanted to say "or something more" how would I phrase it?

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Don't say you loking for friends on Tinder, nobody will believe it. Just say your not looking for anything serious.

I think what you wrote in quotes works just fine.

Haloid1177 said:

Do you not drink? And what do you mean "stay to your people?" All of you go the bar. Hell I sometimes just go the bar by myself and hope to meet some new people. I've actually become close friends with some of the bartenders and the owner of the one I go to, but it did take me a while to feel like going alone was not lame or sad. You get there. If you're not gonna go out then it's just adding an extra layer of difficulty to it all. Plus, you need to get used to going out and to new places anyway, cause that's gonna be a rather large part of dating someone. Better to get comfortable with it now than be super stressed about it while trying to get to know someone.

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I actually dont drink... I am strange, yes^^
With staying to my people I mean more that when I go out with them, I am not wandering around and talk to strangers, because I usually dont have a topic that I know I can talk about with them or, it the case when it comes to women, I am not confident enough to talk to them... When my people bring strangers with them, I am usually pretty open to them...

Alwayscrazybacon said:

I've done similar dates with my wife on share bikes. Its great fun but I'd reccomend finding a quieter place away from traffic if you can.

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True. We were in a really quiet place, by the stadium in Stratford. Barely any people. Went to the park. Good times!

GAMEPROFF said:

I actually dont drink... I am strange, yes^^
With staying to my people I mean more that when I go out with them, I am not wandering around and talk to strangers, because I usually dont have a topic that I know I can talk about with them or, it the case when it comes to women, I am not confident enough to talk to them... When my people bring strangers with them, I am usually pretty open to them...

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Sounds like it's time to work on your social skills then, by going to the bar and just doing it.

GAMEPROFF said:

Do you guys think its impossible to meet the soulmate when you dont like going out partying (or are usually to exhausted for that after the workweek ended) and are more or less reliant on online dating?

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Absolutely not. All the women I've dated, I met them through other means. I don't party, drink, smoke, etc. I've been to bars, parties, and the like and it's just not for me. I absolutely hate it. There are other ways to meet people. Online or otherwise.

Finally getting back into dating after a breakup from a very very long relationship several months ago and it's such a mixed bag. I had my first real date since the breakup yesterday and it wasn't bad but I don't feel particularly excited to see her again either. There was nothing wrong about her, I just wasn't feeling it. I know that's part of the experience but it was hard not to get temporarily pessimistic about the process afterward. Feeling a little more realistic about the whole thing today but it's tough to maintain some optimism sometimes.

How do you handle it when you go on a first date but are unsure about a second one? I can see how it's possible that this date was too quick or the wrong environment, and objectively everything about her seems good - I just wasn't feeling that excited about her for some reason. I don't have enough experience with this yet to know when to just move on.

First dates are really just to check each other out. Most times there will ne no second date. You've just got to keep working through the process until you click with someone. You get ghosted or she does not want a second date? So what! Onto the next!

Unducks said:

How do you handle it when you go on a first date but are unsure about a second one? I can see how it's possible that this date was too quick or the wrong environment, and objectively everything about her seems good - I just wasn't feeling that excited about her for some reason. I don't have enough experience with this yet to know when to just move on.

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Unless you flat out don't want to see her again, I would go for a second date. First dates can be awkward since you don't know each other and are just scoping each other out. The second date might be where you actually break the ice. If you still aren't feeling anything then, it's probably a good idea to just move on.

Also I only say this because you mentioned that you only recently got out of a long relationship but make sure you don't compare the people you date to your ex. Like, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it but if you're looking for some sort of spark of excitement similar to what you felt with your ex, it will be counterproductive.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

Also I only say this because you mentioned that you only recently got out of a long relationship but make sure you don't compare the people you date to your ex. Like, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it but if you're looking for some sort of spark of excitement similar to what you felt with your ex, it will be counterproductive.

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I think this is part of my confusion - I'm definitely not comparing aspects of her personality to my ex or trying to recreate that relationship, but I do find myself comparing my level of excitement and attraction, as if whoever I date will need to at least match that part of it. That's a pretty self-defeating way to look at it and I need to veer out of that a bit.

If you're not sure after the first date, a second date won't hurt in order to have a better idea.

Anyone willing to help me edit my profile via PM? I want to come up with a universal profile with acceptable pics and description to copy/paste across the various sites I'm a member in.

Just set in stone my first real meeting (we haven't called it a date) with someone who I met through OKC. In recent times, I've dated entirely people I already knew and just explored a new connection with, so getting to know someone completely from scratch will be a new one. That said, we've been texting with reasonable frequency since she first hit me up late last week, and the conversation has held up, so I'm optimistic that in-person will go well.

Unducks said:

I think this is part of my confusion - I'm definitely not comparing aspects of her personality to my ex or trying to recreate that relationship, but I do find myself comparing my level of excitement and attraction, as if whoever I date will need to at least match that part of it. That's a pretty self-defeating way to look at it and I need to veer out of that a bit.

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I think you should consider the context around those feelings you had with your ex. It might be the nature of the first date or how you met, it might be you and where you are now in your life, it also could be that you just aren't interested in this girl.

I'm thinking about my last ex. I had legit "butterflies in chest" feelings for her at the start. I didn't when I first met my current girlfriend. But my ex was someone I dated after a long time not dating, she was someone I knew for a year and I had built up and hyped up my attraction for her and I had experienced a lot of things for the first time with her (I lost my virginity to her.) I planned a big romantic first date with her that in retrospect was way too much too soon. I met my girlfriend on tinder and only exchanged a few messages with her before we met at a coffee shop to chat. The date was good but it wasn't exciting or romantic and there was a level of awkwardness between us - I just hugged her at the end because I couldn't gauge her level of attraction to me. Compared to my first date with my ex, it was more of a cold start.

I think if I had just compared the pure feelings of excitement and attraction with my girlfriend after that first date to what I felt when I first went out with my ex, I might have thought there wasn't enough there. I don't know what your last relationship was like but it might be helpful to contextualize your feelings in a similar way going forward as you date more people. It's not exactly easy - you don't want to keep dating someone you actually aren't interested in dating. You want to know what you want. Even with my girlfriend and that first date, I still knew that I thought she was interesting, that we could hold a conversation, that she was very pretty and that I wanted to see her again even if I wasn't getting those "butterflies." The second date clicked and escalated from there. The relationship is better in every way compared to my last one and I feel more excited and attracted to her, it was just different in how I got there.

So I'm repeating myself but I see no harm in a second date. If you still feel the same way, then it's probably just not someone you're interested in.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

I think you should consider the context around those feelings you had with your ex. It might be the nature of the first date or how you met, it might be you and where you are now in your life, it also could be that you just aren't interested in this girl.

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Thanks for writing this out - this whole post is a great perspective and is really helpful.

Unducks said:

Thanks for writing this out - this whole post is a great perspective and is really helpful.

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Glad I could help.

So what if you legit look uglier when you smile than when you don't? Do you have still gotta smile on pictures?

Astral said:

So what if you legit look uglier when you smile than when you don't? Do you have still gotta smile on pictures?

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No, but you can smile without showing your teeth or smile less. Honestly I think your just self conscious and not as bad as you think.

I just had my first date in YEAAARS from a super friendly girl from tinder, we went to a boardgame event where we played in a random group the game werewolf.
It was awkward AS FUCK.
I had so many problem thinking about stuff to talk or jokes To tell. God damn i probably blew it. It was one of the only girl to reply to me on tinder.
I just send her a text to beimg completely honest, that I was shy, i want to try again without any obligations, she can say no if she want. I just want to have a nice dinner or drink and just be more relax and show my true self. Or maybe it was i dunno.
I have a feeling it will be less positive than what i want but we'll see.
I guess it was an experience i had to do

Alwayscrazybacon said:

No, but you can smile without showing your teeth or smile less. Honestly I think your just self conscious and not as bad as you think.

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That's kinda what I settle for. A big smile just stretches out my face in a bad way and makes my cheeks and nose look really wide.

Alastor3 said:

. It was one of the only girl to reply to me on tinder.

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That's why you over invested and over thought everything. She is not and won't be your only chance. Relax, don't try to impress, just be yourself.

The girl I've been dating is feeling better, so she's coming over to my place Saturday!

We're going to cook dinner together (I'm picking), she's bringing the drinks (she's picking), and we'll watch some movies that we'll both be picking.

I'm just going to try and keep calm and hope it goes well - its the fourth date and this could turn into something special I feel.

Beren said:

The girl I've been dating is feeling better, so she's coming over to my place Saturday!

We're going to cook dinner together (I'm picking), she's bringing the drinks (she's picking), and we'll watch some movies that we'll both be picking.

I'm just going to try and keep calm and hope it goes well - its the fourth date and this could turn into something special I feel.

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Best of wishes everything goes well!

Thanks!

Alwayscrazybacon said:

That's why you over invested and over thought everything. She is not and won't be your only chance. Relax, don't try to impress, just be yourself.

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True. I'll try to have more fun next time. thanks.

ps: she send me a text saying good night and she had a good time, so i guess it didn't go as bad as I thought it was

GAMEPROFF said:

I actually dont drink... I am strange, yes^^
With staying to my people I mean more that when I go out with them, I am not wandering around and talk to strangers, because I usually dont have a topic that I know I can talk about with them or, it the case when it comes to women, I am not confident enough to talk to them... When my people bring strangers with them, I am usually pretty open to them...

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Its not that strange (or maybe it is and I'm also very strange)
For me it's never presented an issue when i have been motivated enough to date. Women make up roughly 50% of the population and go to many places where there is 0 alcohol. Just meet someone at any number of these places. The bolded is a much bigger issue then not drinking. Most women respond well to passion, so find something you are passionate about and just roll with that (although try and make it something women would be interested in.)

Another great way to develop your interests/social skills while helping your dating life is to sign up to various small group activities. Pick an activity you might like doing that typically attracts a mixed gender demographic and make some new friends. Have more people who are your people, and maybe one of them will want to date you, and if they don't, then they might know someone.

Beren said:

The girl I've been dating is feeling better, so she's coming over to my place Saturday!

We're going to cook dinner together (I'm picking), she's bringing the drinks (she's picking), and we'll watch some movies that we'll both be picking.

I'm just going to try and keep calm and hope it goes well - its the fourth date and this could turn into something special I feel.

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Good luck! Don't pick BvS as the movie!

Flamed out on a tinder date, was probably too blunt and pretty sure she was just looking to meet people anyway rather than seriously date. Ah well whatever

Jintor said:

Flamed out on a tinder date, was probably too blunt and pretty sure she was just looking to meet people anyway rather than seriously date. Ah well whatever

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It happens.

I'm in a rut again with few matches and interest. And I just got let go at my company so I feel that will be a turn off for many potential women

Alice said:

Good luck! Don't pick BvS as the movie!

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If she brings over that film should I consider it a dealbreaker?

Beren said:

If she brings over that film should I consider it a dealbreaker?

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I'd call the cops if I were you.

Alice said:

I'd call the cops if I were you.

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I'll tell them to come in shooting and I'll just take my chances.

Bad anxiety attack got in the way of a date last night, but we talked this morning and in the midst of explaining why her occasionally missing a date was *so* not a deal breaker we ended up saying "I love you" to each other for the first time.

So yeah. I'm still in a bit of a shock. In a good way.

GAMEPROFF said:

I actually dont drink... I am strange, yes^^
With staying to my people I mean more that when I go out with them, I am not wandering around and talk to strangers, because I usually dont have a topic that I know I can talk about with them or, it the case when it comes to women, I am not confident enough to talk to them... When my people bring strangers with them, I am usually pretty open to them...

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The best conversational skill i've learn is getting people to talk rather than being the one who talks the whole time.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:

The best conversational skill i've learn is getting people to talk rather than being the one who talks the whole time.

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When you are about to panic and start to talk about random stuff because you are afraid of the akward silence... its the worst.

Beren said:

I'll tell them to come in shooting and I'll just take my chances.

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Good luck!

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Relax, don't try to impress, just be yourself.

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Yep, going through this myself with someone I matched with on Tinder as I posted pages back. She's on hol till next week; we've arranged to meet (time/place). Been chatting for almost a week. I'm going away on Sunday for most of the week. If she stops responding I'll probs send a message in the middle of the week about the meet?