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This is where the .gif of the "why not both" girl goes.
I'm not sure if I'm just naive or I'm not that open with my communication, but what do I make of having someone just straight up ask me early on:
"real talk, are we just a fling? because thats okay, we can just see how it goes"
to then tell me she loves me the first time we have sex.
Thoughts?
"real talk, are we just a fling? because thats okay, we can just see how it goes"
to then tell me she loves me the first time we have sex.
Thoughts?
How did you react to that?
I mean it's obvious she is NOT ok with a fling and she was just saying that as a way to make sure you weren't. Don't be surprised if she tries to accelerate to a relationship and acts clingy or possessive.
I told her flings arent generally my thing, that was before we had sex. Truth be told, we are broken up now because winter makes me severely depressed and I started to falter with open communication. Also, I felt like there were just so many red flags throughout. She kept bringing up the fact that shes been sexually abused(which I was understanding about) combined with the fact that she "lets guys do whatever during sex" which just turned me off to it in general. She's also dated women before and lives with her ex(female). Also drinks heavily which just isn't my lifestyle. We work directly together, im laughing out loud as I type this because lord almighty, I know guys, I know, it sounds bad. The thing is I have my own baggage too and hung up about the whole thing as I tend to do because im emotionally damaged or something. I'm trying to work through a lot and I guess overall it maybe wasn't the best environment to learn about relationships, communication early on was excellent though and I really learned a lot through that.
Yikes, that is bad...
We all make mistakes though. Best thing is to learn from them like you're doing.
Thanks. I really don't want to sound like a dickhead for judging her based on things that have happened to her, but overall I don't think it meshed well with my impulsivity and relationship history. I want to start dating again, but I'm just horribly crippled by low self esteem. Feels good.
So I just had a really strange tinder date. Everything was fine, we had been chatting for about a week, she was very excited to meet me, and we had a lot in common. It seemed like a great match. She had commented after our first drink that I'm one of the better people she's met and that she's glad she came out. Sounds good, right? We decide after some drinks to go and get something to eat and afterwards I ask if she'd like to get one more drink at the bar across the road. She says no and that she's going to go meet her friends now and left pretty quickly. Err, ok??? It seemed out of no where to bail so fast. I get home and she texts me saying sorry she left so quickly but she basically just wanted to fuck me tonight and realized she didn't want to take advantage of me and use me like that cause I seem like a genuinely good guy. wat. No. Take advantage of me. What is this shit? Why would I be upset over sex?????
That's nice of her to consider.
Sounds like you're going to have a great second date.
Why would there be another date? She told me she wanted to fuck me and that's it. Seemed like a 2nd date was never on the agenda for her.
Ah... I see. I misread. Yeah, if you don't want a hookup that's a bummer.
If only she coulda said what she text you in person haha. May have had a different result lol. Oh well. At least what it was was fun.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend told me he likes another one of our friends. Told her cousin, asked if she said a boyfriend, said no. Fast forward to today, I encouraged him (because I knew she was single), and they hit it off well, and successfully asked her out on a movie date this coming Monday!
But the thing is, the girl told her cousin and said she's excited but nervous. So she asked the cousin I told to come with her. The cousin then told me that, to which I replied she should bring her boyfriend (well, not yet, still trying to) for a double date, but he has work that day. She then told me to bring someone for a triple date, but i'm lonely. The cousin didn't want to go along by herself because she'd be a third wheel, so I decided to be her backup.
Anyone been in a situation like this? I feel like we're ruining their very first date by not getting them alone together to get to know each other much closer, but she was nervous and asked for people to come.
But the thing is, the girl told her cousin and said she's excited but nervous. So she asked the cousin I told to come with her. The cousin then told me that, to which I replied she should bring her boyfriend (well, not yet, still trying to) for a double date, but he has work that day. She then told me to bring someone for a triple date, but i'm lonely. The cousin didn't want to go along by herself because she'd be a third wheel, so I decided to be her backup.
Anyone been in a situation like this? I feel like we're ruining their very first date by not getting them alone together to get to know each other much closer, but she was nervous and asked for people to come.
Is she really excited to go out with him? I find it really odd that they would hit it off well and then she wouldn't want to go on a date alone with him. I guess I would ask her if she actually likes your friend.
Based on what her cousin told me, it seems like it will be her very first date, so maybe she's just really nervous?
I'm gonna need a wire diagram of this.
Also, tl;dr version: Yes, show up, since that was the agreement; but be prepared to peel off if they're hitting it off.
Now that I've gotten my priorities straight, I think I'll post again.
So, I'm 23 years old, about to turn 24, and I've never even been on a date before because I didn't think that was something I was allowed to do.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but just stick with me. I had a very low self-esteem from middle school to basically… now (although less so). I always saw romance/dating/intimacy as something that I just wasn't allowed to do. It felt less like I was limiting myself and more like it was just a law of the universe; the sun sets in the West, Adam Sandler will continue to make shitty movies, and I don't date.
Now, over the years I've recognized that this is a very negative and self-destructive way to view myself. But even now, the prospect of asking someone to lunch, or hell, just using a dating app terrifies me.
I know that I'm probably overreacting and that I won't get any concrete answers here, but I just needed to vent a bit.
So, I'm 23 years old, about to turn 24, and I've never even been on a date before because I didn't think that was something I was allowed to do.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but just stick with me. I had a very low self-esteem from middle school to basically… now (although less so). I always saw romance/dating/intimacy as something that I just wasn't allowed to do. It felt less like I was limiting myself and more like it was just a law of the universe; the sun sets in the West, Adam Sandler will continue to make shitty movies, and I don't date.
Now, over the years I've recognized that this is a very negative and self-destructive way to view myself. But even now, the prospect of asking someone to lunch, or hell, just using a dating app terrifies me.
I know that I'm probably overreacting and that I won't get any concrete answers here, but I just needed to vent a bit.
I'm going to a bar on a date tonight. It's a hot night here though and a long sleeve shirt will be pretty damn stuffy. I have a light blue(with a white dot pattern) short sleeve shirt I could wear but I don't want to wear shorts to a nice bar. Would black jeans look ok with a short sleeve shirt?
This is like two hours late but yeah that sounds like a decent look. But give it a shot try on different outfits until you see something you like since we can't really see it
I's not ridiculous and we understand. You've come to the right place, we can help you with this. Ask any question you want, we've heard everything before so don't worry about asking "stupid" questions. We also have a Discord available should you not want to discuss things so publically.
Now, all that comes with the cravat that you are actually going to take action, listen to advice and not just keep returning to this topic with a defeatist attitude.
What do you want to know at this point?
I was also kind of scared to use a dating app, Tinder for me. Had it downloaded on my phone for a long time before even making an account. My advice is to just make an account as soon as possible, there is literally nothing that can happen. I figured that out after using it. Yeah, someone might recognize you and if so, who cares about that. That only means they are on the app as well. Start swiping or using whatever app you want to use and send out messages. Don't overthink first messages either and believe me not overthinking it gets a lot easier once you get going. Also, be quick in asking someone out via the app and if she / he isn't feeling it, move on. There are plenty of other people.
Does anybody have any advice for me?
I seem to always hit this point in my adult relationships where my partners find me very thoughtless/inattentive. I think it's partially because I suddenly and tragically lost a partner, so maybe I withhold a bit emotionally; but I also spent a long time getting to know myself and becoming really comfortable in seeking emotional independence. I did that typical 'find yourself in Europe' and backpacked/motorcycled across the continent for a couple of months. I mean, that's how I met my current girlfriend in the first place. I have been doing this long distance relationship with a girl in Spain for about one in a half years. Anyway, right now I'm in London by myself as I've been auditioning to get into a drama school MA program.
I tend to make fast friends, and go out a lot when I'm traveling; this time, I really lost sight of not messaging/video chatting/calling while I was here because I was preparing my material or simply out partying or socializing with some of the kids in the program. I think she feels like she's at her wits end. This is the first time I feel like I've seriously saddened/angered her over the long term relationship. So I feel pretty awful because she is really is the most patient, giving, and thoughtful partners I've ever had.
Does anybody else get anxiety over settling down? I really don't know what else I would want in a person I would spend my remaining days with. On a superficial level, it's a scary thought having one sex partner for the rest of your life. It's hard not to get this bizzare nostalgic subjectivity towards the days of 'being in the hunt.' It's also scary to see friends with kids that seem to get taken off the grid, and are moving away en masse to provide for a better family life. On a professional level, it gets hard for me to keep pursuing or pushing projects; it feels like I kind of have kind of relied on a self-centered approach to life and career.
I think what is seen as spontaneity and adventure seeking early on eventually turns out to seem like inconsistency, unreliability, and a lack of commitment. I want to be a better emotional provider, and be serious in self-examination, but I also feel like I've crossed a threshold where I am extremely irritating to my partner; and once I've crossed that threshold I've never really ever been able to pull back.
I'm going to Spain tomorrow, but it's the first time she's declined on meeting me in the airport. I feel pretty bad, but I don't want to make this about making myself feel better; I actually want it to work. Does anybody have any experience with these kinds of situations that doesn't include bailing like I have in the past?
I seem to always hit this point in my adult relationships where my partners find me very thoughtless/inattentive. I think it's partially because I suddenly and tragically lost a partner, so maybe I withhold a bit emotionally; but I also spent a long time getting to know myself and becoming really comfortable in seeking emotional independence. I did that typical 'find yourself in Europe' and backpacked/motorcycled across the continent for a couple of months. I mean, that's how I met my current girlfriend in the first place. I have been doing this long distance relationship with a girl in Spain for about one in a half years. Anyway, right now I'm in London by myself as I've been auditioning to get into a drama school MA program.
I tend to make fast friends, and go out a lot when I'm traveling; this time, I really lost sight of not messaging/video chatting/calling while I was here because I was preparing my material or simply out partying or socializing with some of the kids in the program. I think she feels like she's at her wits end. This is the first time I feel like I've seriously saddened/angered her over the long term relationship. So I feel pretty awful because she is really is the most patient, giving, and thoughtful partners I've ever had.
Does anybody else get anxiety over settling down? I really don't know what else I would want in a person I would spend my remaining days with. On a superficial level, it's a scary thought having one sex partner for the rest of your life. It's hard not to get this bizzare nostalgic subjectivity towards the days of 'being in the hunt.' It's also scary to see friends with kids that seem to get taken off the grid, and are moving away en masse to provide for a better family life. On a professional level, it gets hard for me to keep pursuing or pushing projects; it feels like I kind of have kind of relied on a self-centered approach to life and career.
I think what is seen as spontaneity and adventure seeking early on eventually turns out to seem like inconsistency, unreliability, and a lack of commitment. I want to be a better emotional provider, and be serious in self-examination, but I also feel like I've crossed a threshold where I am extremely irritating to my partner; and once I've crossed that threshold I've never really ever been able to pull back.
I'm going to Spain tomorrow, but it's the first time she's declined on meeting me in the airport. I feel pretty bad, but I don't want to make this about making myself feel better; I actually want it to work. Does anybody have any experience with these kinds of situations that doesn't include bailing like I have in the past?
Well, I suppose the first question would be how to meet people.
I don't drink so bars are out of the question and I while I go to the gym most days, I don't want to interupt people during their workout.
When it comes to dating apps like Tinder, do people generally look for actual relationships with it or do most people just use it for quick hookups/one-night stands? Also, I've heard Bumble mentioned before. How does it differ in functionality to something like Tinder?
Had a first date today, it went well and she she said she enjoyed it. Essentially she said meeting next week would be good. This was back and forth; I've asked her what time would be good for next week but she's not replied.
Edit: she has invited me to going to a uni event in the evening with her friend who is taking her.
Edit: she has invited me to going to a uni event in the evening with her friend who is taking her.
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Just some update. A few weeks ago I fucked up with my coworker fling by saying that I liked her and even though she was the one to ask me to not change once we stopped, it was her that changed. I'm still bad about the situation and wishing it didn't end.
After that I went back to Tinder and Happn and I was to able have one date every weekend (two on the last).
The first wasn't bad but we didn't really match and I wasn't going to kiss her but she kinda asked and I would felt bad by saying no, it wasn't good, our mouths didn't match but we still talk from time to time.
The second was a strange one as we went from matching to bed in 16h. While we had a good talk, she gave me a false name and it seems she is in a relationship even though she said he abanoned her (CSI'ed her after she added me on whatsapp, looked if the contact had instagram and discovered her facebook) so I was basically her.
The third was through the week,last tuesday, she randomly asked me if I wanted go out to eat Pizza. The talk didn't flow as well as I hoped but she is probably a good company to go to the Theather, nothing happened. We still talk but there isn't much interest from both parties.
The Fourth I just came back from meeting her, she was someone I had matched before but she had deleted her account because of the agressive attitude of some user. She is just lovely, while we didn't even kiss, she was the one I felt most close, everything went really well and we laughed a lot.
Besides those, there is one that I didn't have the chance to meet yet, seems to be a good person and hard working but lives somewhat far from me. And another one that I was going to/will meet next saturday bu she just had an abortion...
And I still wish my coworker fling didn't end.
(I'm kinda surprised because I'm short, don't look good, don't have a car, I'm shy but when I really try, I can at least find someone to go out with me.
After that I went back to Tinder and Happn and I was to able have one date every weekend (two on the last).
The first wasn't bad but we didn't really match and I wasn't going to kiss her but she kinda asked and I would felt bad by saying no, it wasn't good, our mouths didn't match but we still talk from time to time.
The second was a strange one as we went from matching to bed in 16h. While we had a good talk, she gave me a false name and it seems she is in a relationship even though she said he abanoned her (CSI'ed her after she added me on whatsapp, looked if the contact had instagram and discovered her facebook) so I was basically her.
The third was through the week,last tuesday, she randomly asked me if I wanted go out to eat Pizza. The talk didn't flow as well as I hoped but she is probably a good company to go to the Theather, nothing happened. We still talk but there isn't much interest from both parties.
The Fourth I just came back from meeting her, she was someone I had matched before but she had deleted her account because of the agressive attitude of some user. She is just lovely, while we didn't even kiss, she was the one I felt most close, everything went really well and we laughed a lot.
Besides those, there is one that I didn't have the chance to meet yet, seems to be a good person and hard working but lives somewhat far from me. And another one that I was going to/will meet next saturday bu she just had an abortion...
And I still wish my coworker fling didn't end.
(I'm kinda surprised because I'm short, don't look good, don't have a car, I'm shy but when I really try, I can at least find someone to go out with me.
Okay so something new to me has cropped up and maybe someone can help me out here.
Things have been going really well with the girl I've been seeing. We spent a lot of time together Thursday, Friday and Saturday. This morning I asked if she wanted to be exclusive and she said yes. She wants to be exclusive with me... and then she paused... but wanted to know how I felt about her seeing one other person... a woman. I already knew she was bi, so that part wasn't a shock. She'd been in the same relationship with a guy for 8 years and while that ended a couple of years ago, she never got the chance to explore what it was like being with a woman physically and felt like she was missing out on that part of her sexuality. She told me that she hasn't been physical yet with the woman in question and wasn't seeing anybody else, and wanted to know how I felt about it. I said that it doesn't sound like she wants to be exclusive in that case, which is fine, but to let me know if she wanted to really move to that stage. I asked her if she wanted to be poly or something and she said no, she eventually wants monogamy and she wants to keep seeing me and planning things with me. In fact we're going out on Tuesday and Saturday already for this coming week, and she's dropped mentions of things we can do together in April, May and even July. As far as I can tell she is thinking about me when it comes to long-term stuff, and maybe she just needs to explore her bisexuality more before being exclusive to me?
I'm having trouble with this one, primarily because I can't relate in any way. I'm not bi and haven't ever felt like I wasn't exploring some aspect of my sexuality, so I don't know if this is normal or if this is a red flag or something. And I don't want her to feel like she can't go down that route. Personally it hurts a bit that she says she wants to be exclusive but then clearly isn't ready and it brings up some insecurities of mine like maybe she's not as into me as I thought (although before this conversation I would have sworn to the contrary). Also there's the fact that I'm really into her and now wondering if we're on the same wavelength at all, although she's volunteered plenty of times that she really likes me.
I really don't know what to make of any of this or what I should do about it. My roommate thinks I should just keep seeing her like I have been, and if I really find it bothering me to bring it up with her again and either try and talk it out or make a decision about if I want to remain in that situation. Should I tell her that I feel a bit hurt by her wanting to see someone else, or is this just me being an ass and being selfish? Should I just sit on this a bit and see how things go with us the next couple of times I see her? Is this a red or yellow flag and should I back out?
I still have feelings for her and still want to see her. Beyond that I don't know if there's something I should be doing or saying.
Things have been going really well with the girl I've been seeing. We spent a lot of time together Thursday, Friday and Saturday. This morning I asked if she wanted to be exclusive and she said yes. She wants to be exclusive with me... and then she paused... but wanted to know how I felt about her seeing one other person... a woman. I already knew she was bi, so that part wasn't a shock. She'd been in the same relationship with a guy for 8 years and while that ended a couple of years ago, she never got the chance to explore what it was like being with a woman physically and felt like she was missing out on that part of her sexuality. She told me that she hasn't been physical yet with the woman in question and wasn't seeing anybody else, and wanted to know how I felt about it. I said that it doesn't sound like she wants to be exclusive in that case, which is fine, but to let me know if she wanted to really move to that stage. I asked her if she wanted to be poly or something and she said no, she eventually wants monogamy and she wants to keep seeing me and planning things with me. In fact we're going out on Tuesday and Saturday already for this coming week, and she's dropped mentions of things we can do together in April, May and even July. As far as I can tell she is thinking about me when it comes to long-term stuff, and maybe she just needs to explore her bisexuality more before being exclusive to me?
I'm having trouble with this one, primarily because I can't relate in any way. I'm not bi and haven't ever felt like I wasn't exploring some aspect of my sexuality, so I don't know if this is normal or if this is a red flag or something. And I don't want her to feel like she can't go down that route. Personally it hurts a bit that she says she wants to be exclusive but then clearly isn't ready and it brings up some insecurities of mine like maybe she's not as into me as I thought (although before this conversation I would have sworn to the contrary). Also there's the fact that I'm really into her and now wondering if we're on the same wavelength at all, although she's volunteered plenty of times that she really likes me.
I really don't know what to make of any of this or what I should do about it. My roommate thinks I should just keep seeing her like I have been, and if I really find it bothering me to bring it up with her again and either try and talk it out or make a decision about if I want to remain in that situation. Should I tell her that I feel a bit hurt by her wanting to see someone else, or is this just me being an ass and being selfish? Should I just sit on this a bit and see how things go with us the next couple of times I see her? Is this a red or yellow flag and should I back out?
I still have feelings for her and still want to see her. Beyond that I don't know if there's something I should be doing or saying.
Her having an interest in another person isn't necessarily a red flag (nor does it say anything about her feelings for you), but it sounds like she's in denial a bit about it if she's saying "This is a thing I want, but I don't want to be poly, and being exclusive is fine...eventually".
If it were me (and I weren't poly myself), I'd continue pursuing what seems like an enjoyable relationship, and continue discussing what you want out of it, what you're okay with, etc. If it reaches a point where you can't be okay with what she wants, then you move on.
Sounds like she's hedge betting and "wanting to be monogamous eventually" does not exclude the other woman being the one she is monogamous with. If she ends up enjoying being with a woman more then you might be out of the picture Or being a beard if she does not want to come fully out. I'd continue as you are but there's a lot of uncertainty there and you could end up getting hurt if you emotionally invest while she's discovering herself. You don't seem to have problems getting dates so if it's not what you want you'll quickly find someone else.
Okay, need help guys cause I am looking over life choice, and have realized I fucked up. Badly. Met this girl about 3 years ago through a friend, she goes to college with him. Before you ask, no, he has never done anything with her, as his current girlfriend is of 5 years and they have been together since he started college or near there. Anyway. I have her facebook but never added her, and really want to come into contact with her. I want to show her that I have interest in her beyond friends, but not be too direct or forceful, as I really do think I fucked up never hooking up or trying to at least. I used to come home late from work with a specific bus, and would run into her at that time, we would chat, walk in the same direction for our residences, and in general I loved everything I heard from her. Most importantly is that I realize now that her being a bit of a shut in and never really going out was something I really wanted, but couldn't admit. So yeah, I want to add her on facebook, and start talking. I didn't just meet her so I know some thing about her like music, what she wants to do besides be a doctor, stuff like idle chat I have done already. I want to basically add her, ask how she is doing, and tell her that you know, I was wondering if we can go out for coffee some time cause I have been thinking that we could work together as a couple or whatever, and I really like you.
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Stay as you are. If you enjoy the time you are having you should continue it. But if she doesn't want to be exclusive I advise you to start dating other people again. If she can't committ to you then I dont see a point being all in.
3 years? I'd say your chances are slim to none with that cold start. Get it over with add her to Facebook and see if she's interested in talking with you then just ask for a coffee date. If she says yes, great. If she says no you can move on and stop thinking about her.
Fair enough. I have always been a bad at judging things and don't have the right instincts, but this one girl just feels like she might be the one that truly did slip by me.
I don't really believe in the one that got away personally. If they felt the way you did you would be able to rectify stuff pretty easily.
3 years with no contact is tough but just add her on fb. Strike uo a convo and gauge it. Shoot ya shot. May as well know for sure.
You're not exclusive, you see each other every now and again and there is not implication that the relationship will turn serious
3 years with no contact is rough yeah, but I feel like time is relative in these sort of matters. I can't remember what I ate last monday, but if you ask me what was memorable to me about her from 3 years ago I can bring up 5-6 moments. And its not like an unhealthy obsession or making her out to be something better than she is, as since I last saw her I went through 1 girlfriend and several bad attempts at making a move with some other girls, I literally just remembered her before the post, and I wanted to make sure that it may be crazy enough to work, because as you guys said, its been 3 years. 3 great years that I have been thinkig this afternoon could have been better.
That's not really anything special. Everyon can do this with lots of people close or not. We compartmentalize relationships and forget trivial things. Not a crazy concept.
The words you just typed before kind of indicate otherwise
It's 0 to 100 to think if you got with this girl you never dated the last 3 years or really have more than a surface level understanding of your life would have been better. Settle down.
Just add on fb, message and see what happens.
Okay okay. I tend to overthink things is all. One last thing to add before I disappear until otherwise, so never adds random people or people she doesn't want to talk to or keep in her inner circle, her facebook is very personal, so her accepting my request is exactly why I think its a good idea. Again overthinking things, but yeah.
Adding you on facebook is in no way a sign shes interested in you romantically. You are just creating a scenario in your head that just does not exist.
She might not even be the same person after 3 years.
She might not even be the same person after 3 years.
3 years is a lot of time to cold contact someone like this but there's no harm in trying. But definitely do not say the bolded. Just ask her how's she's been and ask her out for coffee. Don't confess your feelings to her and talk about being a couple. That's way too intense.
Yes, you're overthinking things.
"Hey, X reminded me of you the other day. How've you been? Do you want to grab a drink to catch up?"
(Also, before your one-itis develops further, please try to date other women as well.)
Right, that's basicall what I am going to send and trying to do Addie, and thanks for the sensible comments everyone.
This is like that guy last week asking how to slide into DMs after no contact. Is this the new dating Era trend? I hope not.
I dont think the slide is bad if you play it right and just dont be all overinvested and shit.
It's just like, dont expect much cause it's hard to command the attention of someone you havent seen in years.
To be honest, this is the first time I'm trying to get into contact with a girl I knew years back over messenger who I want to see, and I really don't see myself doing it again. I have been dating waitresses from work for years now, and its not like I can't get into contact with anyone else, its just that she popped into my head and I am really curious if I could do something there, cause I feel like I could have and didn't. That's all.