ERA Anonymous Confessions 2017 - New Location, New Administration, Same Old D-Pics

The confession thread was always one of my favorite times of the year. I would spend a good amount of time at work reading through the posts and sharing a laugh or some advice. Never really was one to send in my own. Then the past couple weeks happened.

I lead a department of a small handful of people. We're a close knit group as we all work the same schedule and a couple of my people have been working together for more than 10 years. We've had our ups and downs both personally and professionally but still always made it work.

Being that we're a small department in a fairly laid back workplace, we've done happy hours, dinners, events, etc and some of those stories are probably worthy of their own confessions.

But anyway, a few weeks ago, we decided to have a little get together except we had a bit more alcohol than we could manage, especially my assistant and I. To give you an idea of our ages, we have over 30 years in our business between the two of us so we're not exactly kids. I had been out of the office on vacation and meetings before the afternoon this happened. She looked at me with these eyes that cut right through me.

"I missed you".

I'll stop here quickly for some background. Not only are we both well past the age where we should know better than this, I'll just say we're both settled in our lives outside of work. From the time we first met, there was always a chemistry between us. I'll admit that I've always found her attractive, but it's a thought I've always just pushed out of my head. As an assistant, she's my perfect compliment. We can bounce ideas off each other effortlessly. We're to the point where we can just look at each other and know what the other person is thinking. Also, goes without saying we know how terrible of an idea it is to dip your pen in company ink, especially considering logistically there's really nowhere for us to go to not be in the same unit.

That sixth sense between us is why "I missed you" meant so much more than "Hey, it's good to see you back." By this point, all kinds of thoughts are racing through my head. What happens next is a bit of a blur as we were both drunk but I remember being keenly aware of exactly where the cameras were in the office, just in case. At the same time, since we were both clearly drunk, if this didn't seem like the total making of a bad idea, nothing would. Also, neither one of us was carrying any protection because it's not like today was going to be the day you sleep with your assistant or anything...

Instead, what happened was a night that would make the regulars at DatingERA proud. Great thread by the way, even though I only lurk. Anyway, it was almost first date levels of just taking it all in and just generally being along for the ride. We walked through the city arm in arm as we sobered up. Grabbed a coffee, talked, had some laughs, enjoyed the company. At the end of the night, I take her back to her train. She looks up at me with another look that almost killed me. I'm now feeling like a 16 year old kid again, not more than twice that with a history of long-term relationships like the one I'm in with the woman sleeping in the next room as I type this. Who also happens to be someone I bought a house with. So yeah, there's that. And yes, I know how terrible this sounds right now. This will also sound trite and I'll probably be roasted for this-- I'm not unhappy at home. Unpacking why I would let myself get here when I'm not unhappy: that's a work in progress.

But wait there's more!

So after feeling some kind of way about how all of that and what the hell did I get myself into, etc, I took that following weekend to just take a step back. I was by no means proud of how I handled myself, but for as many lines as were crossed, and there were but I'll leave a little bit to the imagination, there were still a couple that weren't. Plus, when we get back to work we won't have the alcohol to stir the pot and maybe we'll just laugh about it and move on.

Monday rolls around-- I get up with the exact idea that I need to distance myself from this. She's such an incredible person, but I'm the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. I walk in to the office, she's a few minutes behind me. We don't even get a hello out before we have one of those actions speak louder than words moments. There was a warmth there, this time stone cold sober and I can tell you we both thought the exact same thing-- Shit, there's something here between us. Now we're both hyper-aware that we need to play it cool because with a group as small as ours, especially one that has been together for as long as we have, the others will pick up on any change in our behaviors. We do our best to hide it-- maybe we're convincing, maybe we're not. I don't know. If we are, it's because the others know about our home lives, so why would anything happen? In the meantime, there are these stolen glances that continue for the next several days/weeks/whatever.

Today, we're doing our routines to wrap up before we leave. I walk past her to the point where I'm just within earshot.

"I love you"

I stopped dead in my tracks. Even typing this it's replaying in my head over and over. Barely louder than a whisper and I'm not sure if I was even supposed to hear. Was almost afraid to make eye contact and I'm going to guess she was too. I almost wish we were drunk, or we were just a couple kids, or that we didn't have such a history. This wasn't the heat of the moment-- the time span of this story to date has been easily a month I would guess. We've known each other for several years. Yes things escalated that one afternoon, but in the meantime, we're still working together as well as we ever have and our team is crushing all of its goals. It's never felt awkward but it's also never been the same since that night.

"I love you too"

I do-- I'm just not sure exactly what that love entails. I've been in my fair share of relationships. So has she for that matter. Each one has felt different to me in one form or another. My best friend is also a woman that has been like family to me for years. I love my best friend too in a different way. Even a former assistant of mine I could say I loved as a "work wife" where we could complete each others' sentences and played off each other in a way that was unmatched until I got to this place. So this doesn't feel like any other relationship, any other friendship, any other work partnership though there are bits and pieces of each without question.

So where does this all go? To make things more interesting, today I also booked a business trip for my team where we're all traveling together for a meeting out of the area. We'll be leaving from work and heading straight to the hotel. I have no idea how all that is going to play out but I'll give neoak the date so he can do with this confession as he sees fit. If there's time between the posting and the trip and something happens, I'll check back in. Otherwise, I guess the next confession will be if/when there's news from the trip.

Thanks for sticking around to anyone who made it down this far. Putting all these thoughts to paper has been a help.

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