DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Messofanego · Apr 5, 2018

Jokab said:
Btw this girl was only available this week 16-17 on Thursday, I told her that was a bit too little for a date and that we should reschedule for next week. Is that a strange request at all? Most of my dates go for several hours, never had one for only one hour. I just don't think that's enough.

That being too late for a date is fine, but an hour is fine too. Go to a cafe and have a little chat just for first impressions, whether you're attracted which you'll know in just seconds, does the conversation flow, are they interesting. You can find out a bunch in just an hour. Ever been on a speed date? That's 3 minutes, and you can still get enough about a person and whether you want to get to know them more.

Jpop · Apr 5, 2018

Beren said:
Well I'm not really saying let her make the first move. You could, but you might be waiting... forever. I'm saying that THIS might not be her trying to make a move. It could be her just wanting to be friends. It's hard to know what she's thinking without asking her at this point.

If you actually want to date her, you should ask her on a date, or ask if you guys hanging out is a date.

I get you.

I've really only ever had one night flings and sex friends. Most girls have said they've slept with me because I am pretty or when I tried to have a serious relationship that I am more husband material than dating material.

I don't really know what a "first move" is, tbqh.

I can tell when a girl wants to sleep with me when we make eye contact, but if they like me as a person?

Nope.

Beren · Apr 5, 2018

Jpop said:
I get you.

I've really only ever had one night flings and sex friends. Most girls have said they've slept with me because I am pretty or when I tried to have a serious relationship that I am more husband material than dating material.

I don't really know what a "first move" is, tbqh.

I can tell when a girl wants to sleep with me when we make eye contact, but if they like me as a person?

Nope.

Yeah I'm pretty oblivious too.

I'm bad at reading signs. But like, all signs.

Azraes · Apr 5, 2018

Jpop said:
I get you.

I've really only ever had one night flings and sex friends. Most girls have said they've slept with me because I am pretty or when I tried to have a serious relationship that I am more husband material than dating material.

I don't really know what a "first move" is, tbqh.

I can tell when a girl wants to sleep with me when we make eye contact, but if they like me as a person?

Nope.

Hang out with her cause you know it's just hanging out. Read the vibe when you hang out based on whatever you guys talk about/do and then gauge if you should make a move or not. Considering that there's no workplace issues of dating this woman if you are interested and you read that she is as well then express interest. The worst that could happen is just mild awkwardness and then you can laugh it off in a few weeks time.

Now i don't know you, but if you're an attractive guy and you wait for them to show interest first and then go along with their actions it's unlikely they'd see you for more than sex. I mean now that hormones are out of the way, you didn't show explicit interest and it means that they'd have to work extra to make this into something so it's easier to leave it at sex. The ones who don't want a serious relationship are likely to have noticed the same thing and proceeded to continue. As they continued they realised you're actually looking for more. These women would have just wanted something a lot more short term. It's just the signals. Don't play too coy if you're interested in someone, and if you are going to make your interest aware then don't come on too strong (i know you're not doing this right now but people often flip 180).

Also if they want to sleep with you, it's not that hard to convert that into liking you but that'll only happen if you reciprocate interest. Why would anyone want to continue with someone who doesn't seem like they'd like them? Apart from the unstable, clingy and crazy.

deftones r cool · Apr 5, 2018

Okay guys quick advice.

There's this chick who I've lusted after, but she had been in a relationship for some time now. A week or so ago I ran into her at a diner, she (sitting with her friend) flagged me over, and her and I hit it off. I dont normally read body language well, but I swear she practically melted under my charm. The next day we coincidentally bumped into one another again at the dispensary. We make plans to eventually take mushrooms together.

Now she's texting me, sometimes even at like 1:30 am when I'm already sleeping for work. Thinking she was in a relationship still, I messaged her letting her know I wasn't interested in being anything more than a friend, being too experienced of a dude to make trouble.

We went out last night to a bar, she revealed to me that she was single and told me why her last relationship didn't work out. Anywho after a couple of drinks, we go back to her car for a "smoke." Instead we end up hanging out until 3am, we had met up at 9pm. The whole time we're bouncing off one another quite well but we're smoking weed and I don't have a drink, and despite that she invited me to go out to the club and hit her up anytime, I didn't make a move for a first kiss due to serious cotton mouth.

What's my plan of action here? We have plenty of opportunities planned to meet up again but I sorta wanna explain to her what happened before she gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm not interested.

Azraes · Apr 5, 2018

Tesdant said:
Okay guys quick advice.

There's this chick who I've lusted after, but she had been in a relationship for some time now. A week or so ago I ran into her at a diner, she (sitting with her friend) flagged me over, and her and I hit it off. I dont normally read body language well, but I swear she practically melted under my charm. The next day we coincidentally bumped into one another again at the dispensary. We make plans to eventually take mushrooms together.

Now she's texting me, sometimes even at like 1:30 am when I'm already sleeping for work. Thinking she was in a relationship still, I messaged her letting her know I wasn't interested in being anything more than a friend, being too experienced of a dude to make trouble.

We went out last night to a bar, she revealed to me that she was single and told me why her last relationship didn't work out. Anywho after a couple of drinks, we go back to her car for a "smoke." Instead we end up hanging out until 3am, we had met up at 9pm. The whole time we're bouncing off one another quite well but we're smoking weed and I don't have a drink, and despite that she invited me to go out to the club and hit her up anytime, I didn't make a move for a first kiss due to serious cotton mouth.

What's my plan of action here? We have plenty of opportunities planned to meet up again but I sorta wanna explain to her what happened before she gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm not interested.

Your first window was when she revealed she was single but I guess you were too inebriated at the time. Just invite her out for something. Since you hang out regularly make it in the grey area of date/friend hang out (leaning more into a date activity) and just tell her that you only realised she was single when she told you and that you fancy her. She obviously told you she was single because she suspected you didn't know; I mean clearly this girl is into you and wants a bit more. Just don't overthink it. All signs point to her wanting you to ask her out - don't delay this. That's about it. Act ASAP. If you delay then she'll think you clearly have no interest or you're unlikely to tell her. Misunderstandings happen, just be honest, and don't overthink.

jdstorm · Apr 5, 2018

Tesdant said:
Okay guys quick advice.

There's this chick who I've lusted after, but she had been in a relationship for some time now. A week or so ago I ran into her at a diner, she (sitting with her friend) flagged me over, and her and I hit it off. I dont normally read body language well, but I swear she practically melted under my charm. The next day we coincidentally bumped into one another again at the dispensary. We make plans to eventually take mushrooms together.

Now she's texting me, sometimes even at like 1:30 am when I'm already sleeping for work. Thinking she was in a relationship still, I messaged her letting her know I wasn't interested in being anything more than a friend, being too experienced of a dude to make trouble.

We went out last night to a bar, she revealed to me that she was single and told me why her last relationship didn't work out. Anywho after a couple of drinks, we go back to her car for a "smoke." Instead we end up hanging out until 3am, we had met up at 9pm. The whole time we're bouncing off one another quite well but we're smoking weed and I don't have a drink, and despite that she invited me to go out to the club and hit her up anytime, I didn't make a move for a first kiss due to serious cotton mouth.

What's my plan of action here? We have plenty of opportunities planned to meet up again but I sorta wanna explain to her what happened before she gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm not interested.

Ask her out in a "Lets go on a date/have sex" type way.

LordRuyn · Apr 5, 2018

Messofanego · Apr 5, 2018

LordRuyn said:
Hey everyone, first time in this thread and I need some advice.
I got myself into a bit of a complicated situation. I'd like to preface this by saying that I am polyamorous, currently seeing someone (who is also seeing someone else, who is a friend of mine) and interested in someone else as well.

A woman from work that I have to interface with regularly, started texting me a month or so ago. Things were pleasant, and we kept talking casually. At some point she started asking if I would be up for a drink or sushi.
At first I didn't think much of it, but later on I suspected she was interested in a date. Up until recently our schedules didn't line up and nothing came of it. Until today that is, when we finally went out for a drink and my suspicions were confirmed.

We openly talked about it, and let her know my situation. I came to understand she is interested in me but not in being poly. Now, for me it's hard enough to balance seeing the two people I mentioned and work, let alone adding a third.
Having said that, even if I could somehow swing it, the thing is I am not interested in dating my co-worker. She is a great person but ultimately not one that would be a good fit for me.

The fact that we work together is stressing me out a lot. We have a good relationship at work and she promised that wouldn't changed, but no matter what people say they get hurt which could have side effects.
All I have said for now is that I need some time to figure things out, which she is giving me but also told me not to take too long.

I really don't know what to do. The two people I can talk about this stuff and confide in, are the person I am seeing and my good friend who is seeing the same person (not a triad). They are both busy right now and they will be spending the weekend together, so I don't want to take up any of the precious time they have together.

Help me DatingEra, you're my only hope.

EDIT: I lied, I do know that I'd like to tell her that I'd like to keep things professional. It's just that this thing has me a bit stressed out.

I think you already know, you don't want to ruin your work life by getting into dating a co-worker, and it could go south considering she's not into your lifestyle which would be the worst. So yeah, maybe best to not entertain a relationship but keep it casual.

GeekyDad · Apr 6, 2018

LordRuyn said:
...she is interested in me but not in being poly. ...I am not interested in dating my co-worker...ultimately not one that would be a good fit for me.

...no matter what people say they get hurt which could have side effects.

Sounds like you got it figured out.

Beren · Apr 6, 2018

My karaoke date went really well. We had a couple of drinks and were pretty relaxed. The conversation flowed and she sang two songs, and we both sang along to some songs that others sang. Then I screwed up my courage and got up and sang The Safety Dance. She loved it and beforehand we were already kissing and making a lot of physical contact, but after that she was even more all over me than she was before. We have a lot in common, and similar backgrounds, and a lot of the same tastes in things. Also she's a huge nerd, and a nerd in some areas that I'm not which I find refreshing. I asked her if she wants to do something Saturday and she said yes provided her schedule is fine. She does work stuff on the weekends so she'll check, but everything's great so far. And man, what a difference after that last girl. I couldn't see it then, but it's like night and day here. It's just more relaxing to be around her and we're always joking and smiling at each other. So far she seems waaaay cooler than me and luckily she hasn't figured that out yet, but I'm not complaining.

I've been having something happen to me lately when I get matches and I'm wondering if anyone has an idea of what to do. Sometimes when I match and I'm not fast enough to make the first move, the girl will reach out and go "Hi" or "Hey [Beren]." To me this just seems like a way to start the conversation so I reply with something like "Hey what's up?" or "How's your [whatever day it is] going?" and then I don't get a response. Is there some other way I should be replying to these?

GAMEPROFF · Apr 6, 2018

Write something related to her profile.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 6, 2018

Beren said:
Sometimes when I match and I'm not fast enough to make the first move, the girl will reach out and go "Hi" or "Hey [Beren]." To me this just seems like a way to start the conversation so I reply with something like "Hey what's up?" or "How's your [whatever day it is] going?" and then I don't get a response. Is there some other way I should be replying to these?

Not fast enough, there's your answer. She could have sent "Hi" to lots of guys for attention and somebody engaged her quicker or someone she wanted to talk to more. Outside of dating we have all had a women send a "Hi" and then not followed up when you reply.

deftones r cool · Apr 6, 2018

Azraes jdstorm

Thanks for the courage, guys. I went full steam ahead and even got sexually suggestive, which is something I rarely have the gull to do. Worked like a charm. I was even told my straight forwardness and honesty was 'hot'. I haven't felt hot in so long, you guys. lmao

deftones r cool · Apr 6, 2018

Beren said:
It's just more relaxing to be around her and we're always joking and smiling at each other. So far she seems waaaay cooler than me and luckily she hasn't figured that out yet, but I'm not complaining.

That's the best isn't it? Just the feeling of a mutual mindset/exclusive cognitive wavelength coupled w/ "yeah guys, she's with me... I don't get it either" Keep it up.

Azraes · Apr 7, 2018

Tesdant Glad to hear it all worked out extremely well. Sometimes you just need to say what's on your mind especially if all signs pointed to yes.

Beren Glad your date went well. In terms of online dating when they say hi just reply with something witty profile related but not too tryhard if you decided to reply a long time later. If you're going with the standard how's it going, etc etc you'd need to respond within 5-10 minutes else someone's likely to have beaten you to the punch.

Holyoneturtle · Apr 7, 2018

Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 7, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

Not ugly, just a regular looking guy. You can take a better picture if you hold the camera up above your face slightly and push out your chin a little too. Even better would be to have someone else take the pictures for you as nobody looks thier best front on.

Superking · Apr 7, 2018

Okay, although I've thankfully had quite a bit of luck with online dating (OKC in particular), I realized that unless you're Adonis reborn, you're only going to get a girl to respond once in a blue moon. Thus, online dating is very, very inefficient.

So what are some good places to go to meet women? Not interested in bars and clubs because I want to meet women in a space where I can actually fucking hear them talk when I'm speaking to them.

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

Why would your friend call you ugly? :/

I think you have decent facial structure. If you lost a few pounds I think you'd be set.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 7, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, although I've thankfully had quite a bit of luck with online dating (OKC in particular), I realized that unless you're Adonis reborn, you're only going to get a girl to respond once in a blue moon.

This line of thinking needs to be retired, it's just not an absolute at all. Also does not stand up to any reasonable consideration as in "Why would all the hot guys be dating down in terms of looks?".

Women tend often don't respond not because you're an uggo but because they have an inbox full of Hi/how are you?/hey gorgeous more than they'll ever get around to reading and any response by the women is seen by some men as a chance even if it's a "Thanks, but no thanks" reply and another group of men will just get aggressive at a rejection. Better to just not respond at all and you're not owed a response anyway.

Superking · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
This line of thinking needs to be retired, it's just not an absolute at all. Also does not stand up to any reasonable consideration as in "Why would all the hot guys be dating down in terms of looks?".

Women tend often don't respond not because you're an uggo but because they have an inbox full of Hi/how are you?/hey gorgeous more than they'll ever get around to reading and any response by the women is seen by some men as a chance even if it's a "Thanks, but no thanks" reply and another group of men will just get aggressive at a rejection. Better to just not respond at all and you're not owed a response anyway.

Uh...I didn't say I was owed a response? Oh sure, when I first started, I was incredibly aggravated that practically no one would provide the courtesy of politely declining But then I found out that women get dozens, if not hundreds of messages a day. After that, it made me a bit more understanding.

Still, whether women on OKC have a great reason or not to not respond to you is irrelevant to my original point: that the average guy isn't going to be getting a response either way from online dating.

HammerFace · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

You're a regular looking guy, not ugly. But for pictures and in general you can always put in more effort. Since this picture is the only reference I have I'm just gonna point stuff out. You could fix up your hair a bit, it looks a little messy. For selfies don't put the camera below your chin get an angle from higher up, and a different outfit can help as well. It also doesn't hurt to start going to the gym. Smiling helps as well for better pictures.

Stuntman · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

I think you look older/uglier that you really are, just grow full beard and get a better haircut for starters. In the long run lose some weight and take care of your skin with products and stuff.

daboynem · Apr 8, 2018

I'm doing decently on tinder but whenever I get onto their snap they always shut down the feet pics/foot shit quick. Guys, without putting that shit in my bio bc I'm in my hometown y'all gotta help me man I need toes lol

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
original point: that the average guy isn't going to be getting a response either way from online dating.

That's simply not true as I outlined in my previous post. Lot's of average (subjective description) do get matches and messages. You're kinda sexist to say that looks is all that matters to women to be quite frank.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Yachty said:
I'm doing decently on tinder but whenever I get onto their snap they always shut down the feet pics/foot shit quick. Guys, without putting that shit in my bio bc I'm in my hometown y'all gotta help me man I need toes lol

Any chance you could write that again so more people can understand what your asking, and give advice?

Worker Drone · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
That's simply not true as I outlined in my previous post. Lot's of average (subjective description) do get matches and messages. You're kinda sexist to say that looks is all that matters to women to be quite frank.

The issue is that we get flooded with messages. I'm sure I've missed some people I would click with when judging by appearance, but avatars are unfortunately going to be a factor when I'm deciding which people to look further into out of a large group.

Deleted member 37030 · Apr 8, 2018

I just created an account on Tinder. Lets see how this turns out...

Also, will the app show me after a period of time the people that "likes" me or I have to pay to be shown that?

Superking · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
That's simply not true as I outlined in my previous post. Lot's of average (subjective description) do get matches and messages. You're kinda sexist to say that looks is all that matters to women to be quite frank.

I think you're way overthinking this.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
I think you're way overthinking this.

I'm one of the dating Era regulars, we've discussed this before at length. Not overthinking, just actually thinking and understanding the position of each side. Which is why your "Only attractive guys get messages" opinion is so reductive, and factually wrong.

You're not getting messages because you think your not attractive enough, and not for any of the myriad of other factors that are at play.

Superking · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
I'm one of the dating Era regulars, we've discussed this before at length. Not overthinking, just actually thinking and understanding the position of each side. Which is why your "Only attractive guys get messages" opinion is so reductive, and factually wrong.

You're not getting messages because you think your not attractive enough, and not for any of the myriad of other factors that are at play.

Okay, but we keep coming back to why other avenues besides online dating are necessary.

Which, by the way, nobody has answered yet.

Salamando · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, although I've thankfully had quite a bit of luck with online dating (OKC in particular), I realized that unless you're Adonis reborn, you're only going to get a girl to respond once in a blue moon. Thus, online dating is very, very inefficient.

So what are some good places to go to meet women? Not interested in bars and clubs because I want to meet women in a space where I can actually fucking hear them talk when I'm speaking to them.

Oblivion said:
Uh...I didn't say I was owed a response? Oh sure, when I first started, I was incredibly aggravated that practically no one would provide the courtesy of politely declining But then I found out that women get dozens, if not hundreds of messages a day. After that, it made me a bit more understanding.

Still, whether women on OKC have a great reason or not to not respond to you is irrelevant to my original point: that the average guy isn't going to be getting a response either way from online dating.

Don't do this. Don't take your failures in online dating and wrap them in a banner of a half-truth. Yes, women have to sort through a lot of chaff to find the wheat. You're taking comfort in being the chaff, when you should be fighting to become the wheat. Recognize your lack of success isn't the fault of online dating or hundreds of messages, but of you.

"Places to meet people" is so location dependent that you're better off asking friends and family for advice. Best we can offer...1) Volunteer. 2) Search community boards or Meetup.com for social groups you'd enjoy. 3) Make more friends (male and female) and go to their parties.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, but we keep coming back to why other avenues besides online dating are necessary.

Which, by the way, nobody has answered yet.

Online dating should never be your soul focus in finding a relationship, it's just another tool in the box that you can have running in the background while you socialise, network make opportunities or even have a Positive attitude and just get lucky.

Addie · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, but we keep coming back to why other avenues besides online dating are necessary.

Which, by the way, nobody has answered yet.

There's no general rule. I met my current girlfriend through online dating. Someone I dated a few months last year? We basically just made out at a bar. The only applicable point is that you've got to cast a wide net -- and that's only because it takes time to find someone who's into you that you're also into. Otherwise stated, you can date solely through online dating. I did, and I did quite well, if you measure that through dates and hookups. On the other hand, I did poorly if you assessed whether anything developed into a healthy relationship with someone I could see a future with.

Anyway, the point is, I want you to separate "the average guy" in your mind from "the average guy" on Tinder.

Mostly because, as you recognized, the vast majority of men on dating sites are fucking morons. Terrible pictures, terrible propensity to spam women with either "hi" or sexual propositions. I've said this before, but: if you don't ask for sex or send a dick pic in the first message, you're actually better than a non-trivial population of men.

That doesn't mean you're rising to the top, however.

Some of that's random. It's literally "what's the first message in the inbox that isn't a dick pic and fuck now there's a dick pic and I'm frustrated so fuck this I'm closing the app." That actually happens. The best you can do is present yourself in the most attractive light.

Yes, incredibly attractive people can do that more easily than the rest of us, but -- and I don't know what you look like -- if you've got three pictures that are: you with a dog, you rock climbing, and a full-body shot that shows you take care of yourself... that beats poorly lit, terribly angled selfies any day of the week. And it broadcasts some elements of your personality, since let's face it, we all go to the pictures first, and if we're intrigued, we'll read more.

Holyoneturtle · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, although I've thankfully had quite a bit of luck with online dating (OKC in particular), I realized that unless you're Adonis reborn, you're only going to get a girl to respond once in a blue moon. Thus, online dating is very, very inefficient.

So what are some good places to go to meet women? Not interested in bars and clubs because I want to meet women in a space where I can actually fucking hear them talk when I'm speaking to them.

Why would your friend call you ugly? :/

I think you have decent facial structure. If you lost a few pounds I think you'd be set.

She called me ugly behind my back.

Holyoneturtle · Apr 8, 2018

Stuntman said:
I think you look older/uglier that you really are, just grow full beard and get a better haircut for starters. In the long run lose some weight and take care of your skin with products and stuff.

I'm 31 years old and my genes wont allow me to grow a full beard, at least not within a decent time period. I'll have to find someone who can help me with skin care. I recently broke out with two pimples but im not the best with skin care products. I have the worst memory in the world and will very regularly forget to put on skin care product. I know this because ive tried it before and the same things always happens. And if I do remember its usually when im already in bed and about to go to sleep. and by then i just want to go to sleep since i have trouble sleeping.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
very regularly forget to put on skin care product. I know this because ive tried it before and the same things always happens. And if I do remember its usually when im already in bed and about to go to sleep. and by then i just want to go to sleep since i have trouble sleeping.

Daily reminder setup on your smartphone will easily fix that.

Azraes · Apr 8, 2018

Yachty said:
I'm doing decently on tinder but whenever I get onto their snap they always shut down the feet pics/foot shit quick. Guys, without putting that shit in my bio bc I'm in my hometown y'all gotta help me man I need toes lol

I'm not sure what you're going for. If you're looking for girls who want to share pictures of their feet you're best served looking at kinky dating sites, dirtyr4r and things like that. You could find women on tinder/bumble/okc into that but the vast majority are going to think you're weird. Or you could use OKC and just match/message the girls who score kinky on their results.

Azraes · Apr 8, 2018

Oblivion said:
Okay, but we keep coming back to why other avenues besides online dating are necessary.

Which, by the way, nobody has answered yet.

Your attitude is a bit strange; the people who tend to get most dates are usually confident or at the very least secure in who they are. Sure you'll get rejections or get overlooked but it doesn't mean anything specific - could be you, could've been overlooked (the ratio of women to men on online dating is something like 4:1 when I last looked), could be they're looking for something specific, could be that they themselves don't know what they want. It is absolutely true that when you care less, you date more.

As for venues outside of online dating - find a hobby class, find some sort of socialising event - meetup, lookup eventbrite events, there must be something local to your area which I'd have no idea about, singles nights, bars/pubs/clubs, libraries, bookstores, anywhere you can find people gather socially that's not inappropriate to flirt/mingle.

Even outside of online dating apps there's plenty of options online - I once had a long relationship from a blog comment, dated an online friend of a gaming friend (this was in person), words with friends, line (which my friend made me install for some simslike game) heck you can date anyone off of anything.

Zellia · Apr 8, 2018

Catching up with an old uni friend tomorrow after a chance encounter. Little background here: We were friends (and only friends) at uni but we haven't seen each each other in about 7 years. Turns out we work at the same place, but in different departments... but I'm going for a role in the team she works in (as well as a few others - I'm currently temping and want a permanent role, so I won't necessarily end up working with her).

I bumped into her randomly a couple of weeks ago and she said that if I wanted to catch up I should drop her a line. I wanted to but I was busy for a couple weeks. Then I had my interview for the aforementioned role and she was the person who collected me and photocopied my documents, so we got chatting again and I said I did want to catch up, but just had been busy. She laughed and said she could tell, and that she wasn't going anywhere. I got a couple of hints from our conversation, the way she looked at me, that she may like me, but I'm generally oblivious to this stuff and I worry I overcompensate by reading too much into things that are just friendliness.

Anyway I didn't really consider this until I messaged her and set up plans and realised that I'm attracted to her. Thing is, I've set this up as old friends catching up, so I feel like this is how I should approach this. I've thought about using this to gauge her interest and, if she's actually interested, being upfront and suggesting an actual date so I don't feel like I'm doing this under false pretenses. If she's not interested, then I still get to enjoy catching up with her. Thoughts? Advice? This stuff is absolutely not my forte.

Grizzel Greedigut · Apr 8, 2018

Just a little kudos to this thread. I'm a lurker, but I'm not single haven't been for eight years. I do enjoy reading about your lives! If I got dumped tomorrow, I'd have no idea what to do and would certainly ask your collective advise here.

Messofanego · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly

That's no friend. No friend should call you ugly. Whether in front of you or behind your back. Pick better friends. And you're not. For skincare, the Skin Care thread here is pretty great. I've been using products I bought and tips from recommendationa and I don't get any breakouts now.

https://www.resetera.com/threads/lets-talk-about-skin-care.1646/

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Mewn said:
how I should approach this. I've thought about using this to gauge her interest and, if she's actually interested, being upfront and suggesting an actual date so I don't feel like I'm doing this under false pretenses. If she's not interested, then I still get to enjoy catching up with her. Thoughts? Advice? This stuff is absolutely not my forte.

That's exactly how you should do it and in the catch-up you'll find out if she's single or not. If she's single ask for the date.

LightEntite · Apr 8, 2018

Foffy said:
I don't know if this is the outlet to share this, but I need some advice. I'm posting this here because I have mild crushing feelings for this person, so I'm retrofitting that to justify my post!

One of my closer homies birthday is next weekend. I wanted to tell this person how much I value them and how much I appreciate them, but it's not like I'm asking to be in a deeper relationship; we're friends, with the occasional flirty feel good stuff. I guess I wanted to know like, what would be "the line" I shouldn't cross? I was mainly going to share how much this person matters to me, and share an experience I've kept with myself for about 10 months that's really dark, but I want to share it because this person helped me through it and didn't even know it was happening. I want to make it crystal clear that my life truly is better by knowing this person, but I obviously don't want it to come off as anything obsessive or clingy, as that's not the case at all for me.

I'm not aiming to come off as a drooling mess or anything; my main fear is being overbearing and saying "too much" as I feel like I struggle a lot just being open. What's the middle way?

I can share the thing I want to share to this person via PM, if anybody wants to help me out.

"closer homies?" "this person"? I'm just going to assume you're a dude and the person you're talking about is a chick.

It also sounds like you really want to ask this person out, but the way you're describing your current relationship sounds like it's highly likely to end up in an awkward situation.

At the very least, be more descriptive of your relationship with this person. Sounds too vague, even if I kind of already have a feel for where it's going

Tesdant said:
Okay guys quick advice.

There's this chick who I've lusted after, but she had been in a relationship for some time now. A week or so ago I ran into her at a diner, she (sitting with her friend) flagged me over, and her and I hit it off. I dont normally read body language well, but I swear she practically melted under my charm. The next day we coincidentally bumped into one another again at the dispensary. We make plans to eventually take mushrooms together.

Now she's texting me, sometimes even at like 1:30 am when I'm already sleeping for work. Thinking she was in a relationship still, I messaged her letting her know I wasn't interested in being anything more than a friend, being too experienced of a dude to make trouble.

We went out last night to a bar, she revealed to me that she was single and told me why her last relationship didn't work out. Anywho after a couple of drinks, we go back to her car for a "smoke." Instead we end up hanging out until 3am, we had met up at 9pm. The whole time we're bouncing off one another quite well but we're smoking weed and I don't have a drink, and despite that she invited me to go out to the club and hit her up anytime, I didn't make a move for a first kiss due to serious cotton mouth.

What's my plan of action here? We have plenty of opportunities planned to meet up again but I sorta wanna explain to her what happened before she gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm not interested.

Sounds like she's handing you that shit on a platter and you just aren't taking it for whatever reason. It really doesn't get any easier than this.

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.

Ugly? Naw bruh you are not ugly.

But you are never winning any woman over with that body language. It's almost as if you're asking us "Do you think i'm ugly???" in the actual photo.

Not that i think you were trying to woo any of us over with it, but that's an idea of what you should be working on.

Holyoneturtle said:
I'm 31 years old and my genes wont allow me to grow a full beard, at least not within a decent time period. I'll have to find someone who can help me with skin care. I recently broke out with two pimples but im not the best with skin care products. I have the worst memory in the world and will very regularly forget to put on skin care product. I know this because ive tried it before and the same things always happens. And if I do remember its usually when im already in bed and about to go to sleep. and by then i just want to go to sleep since i have trouble sleeping.

You're forgetting because it isn't important enough to you to remember.

If you really wanted to have better skin, you'd get out of bed and wash your face.

That said, you don't even really have bad acne, unless im missing something? Hell i'd say your skin is better than mine ATM.

saizo · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
I'm one of the dating Era regulars, we've discussed this before at length. Not overthinking, just actually thinking and understanding the position of each side. Which is why your "Only attractive guys get messages" opinion is so reductive, and factually wrong.

You're not getting messages because you think your not attractive enough, and not for any of the myriad of other factors that are at play.

Quoting for emphasis but I'll give my 2 cents on the matter.

This is mostly a guess but from the female perspective there are usually more dudes than not on dating websites so there tends to be an oversaturation in terms of messaging if you are female. This is even more amplified if you are more physically attractive.

Does being more attractive give you better chances? Absofuckinglutely.
Is this going to compensate for a complete lack of chemistry, shared interests, life style compatibility, or personality? Absolutely not unless they are incredibly shallow. In which case, why would you want to be with them anyway?

Do some introspection when looking through profiles and see what it is that stands out and appeals to you the most and adjust accordingly.

LightEntite · Apr 8, 2018

last post was too long

Oblivion said:
Okay, but we keep coming back to why other avenues besides online dating are necessary.

Which, by the way, nobody has answered yet.

"Necessary" is probably the wrong word...or at least is a bit misleading.

The more telling question is, why are you only searching to get dates online.

If you can't pull a girl offline, then using online as some kind of crutch is just setting your problem back a few steps. Matching this with your statement about how only super attractive dudes get matches is kind of piecing together a picture of where the actual failing is coming from.

I mean don't get me wrong, yes being super attractive is absolutely going to get you more matches. But there's more than one way to be "super attractive" and not all of it has to do with genetics...i'd actually say not even half of it is genetics.

Subpar Scrub · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
snip

I wouldn't call you ugly at all, man. Being serious? You look a little tired and the haircut is super average. Other than that, you look good. Ugly? nah.

Oblivion said:
unless you're Adonis reborn, you're only going to get a girl to respond once in a blue moon.

Oblivion said:
my original point: that the average guy isn't going to be getting a response either way from online dating.

Yeah, this is just incorrect. Source: I get dates. Try not to spread misinformation just because you're unhappy with your success rate or whatever. Thanks.

DarkDetective · Apr 8, 2018

Subpar Scrub said:
the haircut is super average.

Do you have (links to) advice on haircuts in general?

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

DarkDetective said:
Do you have (links to) advice on haircuts in general?

For a guy the safest is to keep it short and well groomed. Outside of that it all depends on how you look to start with and what image you want to project.

Subpar Scrub · Apr 8, 2018

DarkDetective said:
Do you have (links to) advice on haircuts in general?

You can search what's popular for your area or ethnicity (because yeah, it can affect your hair type and how you style it) pretty easily on google.

Wanna play it safe? Keep the hair short and clean. Wanna mix it up or sport something specific? Look at something on https://www.menshairstyletrends.com/cool-mens-hairstyles-2018/ or whatever.

Honestly, going to a good stylist, showing them some styles you like on your phone or whatever and saying "be honest, what will suit and compliment my hair density, thickness, waviness and face/proportions the best whilst also being like these styles I like?" Should do the trick.

I literally said to my last stylist "I'm looking for a cut that will make me look handsome and is manageable with my thick curls. I want it to fade from a 2 to a .5 down the sides, but the rest is up to you." The result was that she gave me a nice, trendy style that is my go-to haircut now, and it has been complimented by friends and coworkers.

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