DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Jintor · Apr 8, 2018

I think I'm going to take a month off thinking about this and come back and cut down on the amount of apps I'm on. I'm getting too thirsty.

Probably my main thing is i need better photos, but maybe some time off not thinking about this will help just let me chill out a bit.

Subpar Scrub · Apr 8, 2018

Jintor said:
I think I'm going to take a month off thinking about this and come back and cut down on the amount of apps I'm on. I'm getting too thirsty.

Probably my main thing is i need better photos, but maybe some time off not thinking about this will help just let me chill out a bit.

No worries dude. Make sure you get yourself back in the game though, I took "a month off" last November and I'm only just getting back into it haha.

In regards to photos, we've provided info on getting better pics many times in this thread, but if you want any specific info, make sure to give us a shout.

Megalosaro · Apr 8, 2018

I think the issue is that there are two types of people.

Those worth fucking and those who are not worth fucking.

Those who are worth fucking. They can act like a human. They can take care of themselves. They have something to contribute.

Those who aren't worth fucking: They don't have their shit together. They don't know what society expects out of them (yes this is important). They don't have their priorities straight. They are emotionally weak. They can't take care of themselves.

Jintor · Apr 8, 2018

i might still come in here just for style reasons tho lmao

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Megalosaro said:
I think the issue is that there are two types of people.

Those worth fucking and those who are not worth fucking.

Those who are worth fucking. They can act like a human. They can take care of themselves. They have something to contribute.

Those who aren't worth fucking: They don't have their shit together. They don't know what society expects out of them (yes this is important). They don't have their priorities straight. They are emotionally weak. They can't take care of themselves.

Then you can also get that special mix of two not worth fuckings, fucking each other due to desperation and lack of quality control. Let's not go there and just keep to positive advice for people who want to learn and have agency to improve.

Foffy · Apr 8, 2018

LightEntite said:
"closer homies?" "this person"? I'm just going to assume you're a dude and the person you're talking about is a chick.

It also sounds like you really want to ask this person out, but the way you're describing your current relationship sounds like it's highly likely to end up in an awkward situation.

At the very least, be more descriptive of your relationship with this person. Sounds too vague, even if I kind of already have a feel for where it's going

Actually, this friend of mine is a non-binary person, hence why I didn't use he or she, but them, homie, and this person.

I'm not sure I want to ask this person out, also. Like, I appreciate them, and there's a little of the kawaii crush jazz, but I wouldn't wish to add any weight to the relationship we presently have and have the whole thing tip over. That's been the central reason I don't feel comfortable all pushing anything of the sort.

I suppose I originally came in here to ask where the line from being "sincerely honest" turns into "serious" when it comes to opening up in a relationship sense. I want to lean more on the former, to be open and respectful and legitimate in expressing myself, but I don't want it to be overbearing, as if I'm head over heels and in a drunk state of affection, if that makes sense. My being vague is perhaps due to not being able to feel out the lines, here.

daboynem · Apr 8, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
Any chance you could write that again?

Sorry about that I'll try again. I'm on tinder and after talking with a match and moving on to their Snapchat I try my best to get some foot pics. They aren't usually receptive but it's not like they unmatch or block they just try to shift it away from feet and onto somewhere else. I need help man pls

Superking · Apr 8, 2018

I think you guys are getting way too hung up on the Adonis comment. I mean, even within that same post, I mentioned that I too was able to get the occasional smoking hot girl. All I was trying to say was that it's an inefficient system for the average person.

As for why I have mainly relied on online dating? Mostly a factor of my ridiculously busy work schedule (I have two jobs and have pretty much no access to any night time social life).

Mekes · Apr 8, 2018

Holyoneturtle said:
Hey there dating era,

A female friend of mine recently called me ugly and i need an outside opinion on this. You see ive always suspected but never actually got confirmation until now. For the record, I think im an awesome guy but i feel like ive always been lacking in the looks department. also any suggestions for looking better are always appreciated.t.

You are not ugly, but there are a few things you could do to improve the way you look. I think you could do something better with your hair. I was really happy when I switched the barbers to get my hair cut at a salon. Looking at your pic, I think something like a 4 on the sides, tapered down and letting the stylist know you'd like to grow the top out a little. That would change your appearance quite a bit. You've got things to work with. Your skin looks good but just a tiny bit dull, so a moisturiser would be good. Maybe slight, slight trim on the eyebrows when you get your hair cut.

Absolutely not ugly tho. Not in the slightest.

Beren · Apr 8, 2018

Third date went well last night. Dinner and a movie. She and I have a lot in common, but also some differences so that it's not like talking to a mirror and we can learn things just by listening to each other. She's got a great sense of humor with some snark to her and I think we compliment each other well.

We're going dancing on Tuesday and she mentioned maybe bringing me to a friend's party on Friday. So we'll see how this goes!

Valkerion · Apr 8, 2018

Mannnnn ERA I need some serious advice.

I've been "dating?" this girl for a while now. We hang out, maybe watch a movie and get food, that's all. I assumed after a while we were just friends and left it at that. For my own honesty she never actually did it for me. Shes not ugly or anything like that and quite a catch but physically not my type. I accepted that and figured "ok let's keep hanging out maybe she will become more appealing with personality." and well... nope not that either. Shes not particularly quirky, funny, interesting, outgoing, ect. ect. when shes near me. Like... I don't get to see her personality at all. We had dinner with her friends about two weeks ago, and they were all awesome fun people, I got to see a TINY bit of her personality then but still mostly nothing, in contrast I talked to everyone else more than her, which she said she liked since I got to know her friends.

Fast forward to last night, she sent me a small message saying "how do you feel about me" and what not... after avoiding it for a solid day I finally tried to tell her gently... I like her, shes nice, kind... and thats about all I really get from her. She wanted to meet up and talk more in person so we did. But it was the same as usual. Me doing all the talking, her not showing any personality or anything. Near the end of the night I wanted to go home and she finally asked what I meant by all that. Basically I told her it was two big things. 1. I will be more than likely leaving the city, if not the dang country in Summer at worst, and I refuse to be one of those guys who starts shit and runs away. and 2. She has not really "appealed" to me, in that not showing me any interesting personality and what not.

@.@

She followed this with a if you go to a different city I can follow you... which blew my fucking mind because I'm just wondering what have we possibly done to make you so freaking willing to do such a huge thing or even remotely think this way. Like we have not kissed, had sex, some random romantic encounter, like LITERALLY NOTHING. The most we have done is me walking her home when she was drunk after a wedding party.

Anyway she followed me home wanting me to tell her straight up, yes I want to be with you seriously and what not. But its like... how can I say that, you have given me no hook to want to be with you beyond friends! She walked with me home and waited for my answer but I just told her I'll think about it more and message her tomorrow.

I don't know if shes just this desperate for a boyfriend, or shes seeing something way more in me than I've seen in her or what, but my current thinking is unless she starts doing something interesting to catch my actual attention why would I want there to be a "next step" so to speak. As far as I can tell we never started. Everyone has to go at the pace they are comfortable with but I'm just so damn confused now.

Messofanego · Apr 8, 2018

Valkerion said:
Mannnnn ERA I need some serious advice.

I've been "dating?" this girl for a while now. We hang out, maybe watch a movie and get food, that's all. I assumed after a while we were just friends and left it at that. For my own honesty she never actually did it for me. Shes not ugly or anything like that and quite a catch but physically not my type. I accepted that and figured "ok let's keep hanging out maybe she will become more appealing with personality." and well... nope not that either. Shes not particularly quirky, funny, interesting, outgoing, ect. ect. when shes near me. Like... I don't get to see her personality at all. We had dinner with her friends about two weeks ago, and they were all awesome fun people, I got to see a TINY bit of her personality then but still mostly nothing, in contrast I talked to everyone else more than her, which she said she liked since I got to know her friends.

Fast forward to last night, she sent me a small message saying "how do you feel about me" and what not... after avoiding it for a solid day I finally tried to tell her gently... I like her, shes nice, kind... and thats about all I really get from her. She wanted to meet up and talk more in person so we did. But it was the same as usual. Me doing all the talking, her not showing any personality or anything. Near the end of the night I wanted to go home and she finally asked what I meant by all that. Basically I told her it was two big things. 1. I will be more than likely leaving the city, if not the dang country in Summer at worst, and I refuse to be one of those guys who starts shit and runs away. and 2. She has not really "appealed" to me, in that not showing me any interesting personality and what not.

@.@

She followed this with a if you go to a different city I can follow you... which blew my fucking mind because I'm just wondering what have we possibly done to make you so freaking willing to do such a huge thing or even remotely think this way. Like we have not kissed, had sex, some random romantic encounter, like LITERALLY NOTHING. The most we have done is me walking her home when she was drunk after a wedding party.

Anyway she followed me home wanting me to tell her straight up, yes I want to be with you seriously and what not. But its like... how can I say that, you have given me no hook to want to be with you beyond friends! She walked with me home and waited for my answer but I just told her I'll think about it more and message her tomorrow.

I don't know if shes just this desperate for a boyfriend, or shes seeing something way more in me than I've seen in her or what, but my current thinking is unless she starts doing something interesting to catch my actual attention why would I want there to be a "next step" so to speak. As far as I can tell we never started. Everyone has to go at the pace they are comfortable with but I'm just so damn confused now.

She's desperate and you need to be honest with her that she's just not that interesting to you. You two just don't match in any way. Don't wait for sex or whatever to change that, time for you to move on to someone more your wavelength.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 8, 2018

Valkerion said:
Mannnnn ERA I need some serious advice.

I've been "dating?" this girl for a while now. We hang out, maybe watch a movie and get food, that's all. I assumed after a while we were just friends and left it at that. For my own honesty she never actually did it for me. Shes not ugly or anything like that and quite a catch but physically not my type. I accepted that and figured "ok let's keep hanging out maybe she will become more appealing with personality." and well... nope not that either. Shes not particularly quirky, funny, interesting, outgoing, ect. ect. when shes near me. Like... I don't get to see her personality at all. We had dinner with her friends about two weeks ago, and they were all awesome fun people, I got to see a TINY bit of her personality then but still mostly nothing, in contrast I talked to everyone else more than her, which she said she liked since I got to know her friends.

Fast forward to last night, she sent me a small message saying "how do you feel about me" and what not... after avoiding it for a solid day I finally tried to tell her gently... I like her, shes nice, kind... and thats about all I really get from her. She wanted to meet up and talk more in person so we did. But it was the same as usual. Me doing all the talking, her not showing any personality or anything. Near the end of the night I wanted to go home and she finally asked what I meant by all that. Basically I told her it was two big things. 1. I will be more than likely leaving the city, if not the dang country in Summer at worst, and I refuse to be one of those guys who starts shit and runs away. and 2. She has not really "appealed" to me, in that not showing me any interesting personality and what not.

@.@

She followed this with a if you go to a different city I can follow you... which blew my fucking mind because I'm just wondering what have we possibly done to make you so freaking willing to do such a huge thing or even remotely think this way. Like we have not kissed, had sex, some random romantic encounter, like LITERALLY NOTHING. The most we have done is me walking her home when she was drunk after a wedding party.

Anyway she followed me home wanting me to tell her straight up, yes I want to be with you seriously and what not. But its like... how can I say that, you have given me no hook to want to be with you beyond friends! She walked with me home and waited for my answer but I just told her I'll think about it more and message her tomorrow.

I don't know if shes just this desperate for a boyfriend, or shes seeing something way more in me than I've seen in her or what, but my current thinking is unless she starts doing something interesting to catch my actual attention why would I want there to be a "next step" so to speak. As far as I can tell we never started. Everyone has to go at the pace they are comfortable with but I'm just so damn confused now.

Seems that she thinks a boyfriend is something you just get and negotiate for and does not understand attractions and relationship building. Put her in the friend zone or stop hanging out with her before she gets potentially obsessed. (´･ω･`)

Valkerion · Apr 9, 2018

Messofanego said:
She's desperate and you need to be honest with her that she's just not that interesting to you. You two just don't match in any way. Don't wait for sex or whatever to change that, time for you to move on to someone more your wavelength.

Exactly what I'm thinking, the attraction just never came at least on my end. I know and have known, shes been wanting a relationship for a while. It was pretty obvious, she always talks about her friends getting married (and to be honest it has to suck going to the amount of weddings shes gone to this year while being the only single one) but I can't just say "yeah lets be in a relationship" when its one sided...

Alwayscrazybacon said:
Seems that she thinks a boyfriend is something you just get and negotiate for and does not understand attractions and relationship building. Put her in the friend zone or stop hanging out with her before she gets potentially obsessed. (´･ω･`)

This too. She may be attracted to me in some aspect or at least see some good point in trying with me but there was no emotional or physical build up to any of this. Feel like shes taking the "get a person and then learn to love them" route which does not work for me.

She said before "there are walls I have to put up between friend and boyfriend" which I fully understood at the time and respected. But did not expect the wall to be any type of attraction, flirting, emotional or physical interaction. I have no idea how to break this too her, I know its going to suck but its better than lying to her and being miserable until I find someone else (which I'd kick my own ass for) ugh.

LightEntite · Apr 9, 2018

Foffy said:
Actually, this friend of mine is a non-binary person, hence why I didn't use he or she, but them, homie, and this person.

I'm not sure I want to ask this person out, also. Like, I appreciate them, and there's a little of the kawaii crush jazz, but I wouldn't wish to add any weight to the relationship we presently have and have the whole thing tip over. That's been the central reason I don't feel comfortable all pushing anything of the sort.

I suppose I originally came in here to ask where the line from being "sincerely honest" turns into "serious" when it comes to opening up in a relationship sense. I want to lean more on the former, to be open and respectful and legitimate in expressing myself, but I don't want it to be overbearing, as if I'm head over heels and in a drunk state of affection, if that makes sense. My being vague is perhaps due to not being able to feel out the lines, here.

Well, okay that makes sense i suppose

Okay so gonna be honest, i'm still getting a wild all-over-the-place feel from your language when describing your current situation, and you had time to sit down and type this. So I can only imagine how it's going to sound if you say it out loud while cautious and nervous.

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and really decide the way you feel about this person. Do you want to be friends, or do you want to be lovers? Can you not be lovers with this person without eventually feeling remorseful? And please don't lie to yourself.

The "we can just be really close friends" thing works sometimes but when you're musing over the idea this hard, something tells me that settling isn't gonna go over well for you. Regardless you still need to get it off your chest.

Just my two cents

Valkerion said:
She followed this with a if you go to a different city I can follow you...

Yeah dude...this is a bad situation. If you simply can't find it in yourself to like her, then don't let her strongarm you into a relationship

especially not saying shit like that

SuperEpicMan · Apr 9, 2018

I think I need a bit of breakup advice. I have been dating a girl for a couple of months, and she is really lovely and on paper I should be pretty mad about her, but I just don't feel the chemistry physically, and kinda feel the sex highlighted that to me.

It took me a while to come to this conclusion because she is nice, and I do care about her. But I figured if I have doubts now, I should just break it off. So how best should I tell her. It's actually the first time I have had to do this.

Foffy · Apr 9, 2018

LightEntite said:
Well, okay that makes sense i suppose

Okay so gonna be honest, i'm still getting a wild all-over-the-place feel from your language when describing your current situation, and you had time to sit down and type this. So I can only imagine how it's going to sound if you say it out loud while cautious and nervous.

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and really decide the way you feel about this person. Do you want to be friends, or do you want to be lovers? Can you not be lovers with this person without eventually feeling remorseful? And please don't lie to yourself.

The "we can just be really close friends" thing works sometimes but when you're musing over the idea this hard, something tells me that settling isn't gonna go over well for you. Regardless you still need to get it off your chest.

Just my two cents

I would argue that all-over-the-place problem is just me overthinking things. I get like this on many different levels; don't think it's just feelings for people.

If I were to describe how I feel about this person, I guess the feeling I would describe it as would be gratitude. I feel grateful knowing this person, and that despite my seeming feelings of lack, I am treated as if I'm a complete person. I suppose I jumble about, in this context, because I feel guilty for showing my down side, or that I have difficulty accepting a position of being enough as a person. Think of this more to do with a self-image than a particular feeling aimed at one person. This is a problem I carry everywhere with me.

I think I'm musing over this because for the first time in years it seems like that feeling, or in this case, reminder, of being a complete and "good enough" person has really emanated from me; it's stuck outside of the occasional mental entertainment. Hence why I felt compelled to open up, something I have taught myself to never, ever do. I find that embarrassing and difficult, and because of the problem of still feeling like I lack as a person, I wobble on the idea of "how much is too much to share?" if that makes any sense. Where does the line go from making it clear I am happy this person is in my life to coming off as if it sounds like I'm drooling over this person's everything?

I hope this is more centered than the vibe you've been getting from me.

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

Its a shitty feeling when you started messaging with someone nice but somehow the whole thing doesnt progress...

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
Its a shitty feeling when you started messaging with someone nice but somehow the whole thing doesnt progress...

Don't sweat it. It's a numbers thing and subject to many factors, some within our control and some outside of it. For instance, look how many people in this thread have SOs - if anyone messaged them when things were starting to get serious, they were probably ignored or rebuffed, and understandably so. That's just how things are, and you've got to make peace with it.

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

Addie said:
Don't sweat it. It's a numbers thing and subject to many factors, some within our control and some outside of it. For instance, look how many people in this thread have SOs - if anyone messaged them when things were starting to get serious, they were probably ignored or rebuffed, and understandably so. That's just how things are, and you've got to make peace with it.

I am getting sick of having to make peace with it.

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
I am getting sick of having to make peace with it.

So, one of the factors is "availability for dating," which I mentioned above. That's outside of your control.

One that's on you, of course, is you.

If this is a pattern, can you explain what happens so we can offer advice? Maybe you're doing something that you can improve.

Deleted member 33533 · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
I am getting sick of having to make peace with it.

Maybe you should take a break. You should always take these things in stride or it will come out on the surface when you interact with potential dates, not to mention it will make you miserable. The moment you start to get frustrated with the online dating thing, you should take a breather and come back to it fresh later.

Ion Stream · Apr 9, 2018

Damn i'm getting so tired of matching with people on tinder, having a great conversation with someone and then literally stop messaging me, after saying nothing out of the ordinary. I thought my linked instagram account may have been it as I have some random stuff on there so I unlinked it, still happening! Ffs!

Think it's time to take a break for a while haha.

Alastor3 · Apr 9, 2018

Megalosaro said:
I think the issue is that there are two types of people.

Those worth fucking and those who are not worth fucking.

Those who are worth fucking. They can act like a human. They can take care of themselves. They have something to contribute.

Those who aren't worth fucking: They don't have their shit together. They don't know what society expects out of them (yes this is important). They don't have their priorities straight. They are emotionally weak. They can't take care of themselves.

Well you just describe me in the later paragraph... maybe that's why my two dates don't talk to me anymore only after 1 meeting even tho they said it went well...

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 9, 2018

SuperEpicMan said:
I think I need a bit of breakup advice. I have been dating a girl for a couple of months, and she is really lovely and on paper I should be pretty mad about her, but I just don't feel the chemistry physically, and kinda feel the sex highlighted that to me.

It took me a while to come to this conclusion because she is nice, and I do care about her. But I figured if I have doubts now, I should just break it off. So how best should I tell her. It's actually the first time I have had to do this.

"You're a nice girl but I'm just not feeling it and you deserve someone better. Wish you the best of luck" something like that. Tell her face to face, then block and delete her number and social media.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 9, 2018

Sodding_Gamer said:
Damn i'm getting so tired of matching with people on tinder, having a great conversation with someone and then literally stop messaging me, after saying nothing out of the ordinary. I thought my linked instagram account may have been it as I have some random stuff on there so I unlinked it, still happening! Ffs!

Think it's time to take a break for a while haha.

You're chatting for too long before arranging a date or coming off as thirsty or maybe wierd during the texts.

Online dating is about confidence and momentum. Don't hang around as they will be talking to other people while they are chatting with you.

Lulu · Apr 9, 2018

Sodding_Gamer said:
Damn i'm getting so tired of matching with people on tinder, having a great conversation with someone and then literally stop messaging me, after saying nothing out of the ordinary. I thought my linked instagram account may have been it as I have some random stuff on there so I unlinked it, still happening! Ffs!

Think it's time to take a break for a while haha.

Maybe you're taking to long to ask them out on a date.

Jokab · Apr 9, 2018

What is you guys' goto lines to revive a conversation that died early? It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle and especially with someone you haven't talked a lot to already. Might as well give it another try but I'm not sure what to say considering I ended on a question.

Azraes · Apr 9, 2018

SuperEpicMan said:
I think I need a bit of breakup advice. I have been dating a girl for a couple of months, and she is really lovely and on paper I should be pretty mad about her, but I just don't feel the chemistry physically, and kinda feel the sex highlighted that to me.

It took me a while to come to this conclusion because she is nice, and I do care about her. But I figured if I have doubts now, I should just break it off. So how best should I tell her. It's actually the first time I have had to do this.

How long have you been dating this person for?

Under Two months: I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you. You're great but I just don't feel any chemistry between us. I'd rather not let this continue and lead to further complications. I really hope you find what you're looking for and best of luck.

Two-Six months:
Let's be friends version: We've had some fun times and great stories. I really like you and you're so much fun to hang out but I just don't see the romantic potential. I'm not sure what it is but you're great. I'm totally down to being friends with you and hanging out and doing stuff cause I loved that but I don't think this is going anywhere else.

It's over - the friendly version: I really liked hanging out with you but things just never seemed right with us. We never had any arguments or issues but there's something lacking here and I just don't think it would be fair on either of us if we kept wasting each other's time. I really do wish you all the best and hope you find the best way to be happy.

It's over - the bad version: I just don't feel anything. It's definitely not you, it's something to do with me. I don't think I can be ready for a relationship and I'm not really keen on progressing forward. I hope you find what you want.

It's over - ghost version: Ghost

Six months to a year (maybe 18 months):

Regular version: I had wonderful time with you but things just don't seem to be working out. I'm not sure what the issue is. I thought some time would help us come to a conclusion but it seems like this isn't likely to work for us. I'm not sure what we can do but I do believe it's best that we end it before we cause some serious issues between the two of us. Better to go away with happy memories than shit ones.

Ghost version: Ghost

It's over and it's awful: I don't need to elaborate

Anything longer is always going to end either remarkably well or remarkably awful (at least at the start)..

PS I wasn't really recommending the ghost version but god I've come across ridiculous Ghost stories. One guy changed countries and left his job and she thought he was dead or missing. He just went AWOL and she hired a private investigator cause she thought he died. There's a lot more of those stories including another guy who just upped and left a country and pretty much led her to believe he died and then she ends up being his boss 15 years later.

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

SuperEpicMan said:
I think I need a bit of breakup advice. I have been dating a girl for a couple of months, and she is really lovely and on paper I should be pretty mad about her, but I just don't feel the chemistry physically, and kinda feel the sex highlighted that to me.

It took me a while to come to this conclusion because she is nice, and I do care about her. But I figured if I have doubts now, I should just break it off. So how best should I tell her. It's actually the first time I have had to do this.

Don't tell her the complete truth if it'd be cruel. Don't break up with her at your place (sometimes they don't leave). Don't let her leave anything behind that she'll need to retrieve later, or if that happens, realize that some Ubers will deliver packages without passengers.

Do be succinct. Do be ready to end the conversation when it's run its course. Do let her accept a reason that ends the relationship but doesn't make her feel like shit. (This is why "I need to focus on X" is a great justification, provided it's actually true.) Do be compassionate, to a point, but understand that she's no longer your problem as a romantic partner (but still your responsibility as a human person with feelings, so avoid being unnecessarily callous).

Oh, and rule #1: don't let her convince you not to break up with her while you're doing it.

GiantEnemyCrab · Apr 9, 2018

Valkerion said:
Mannnnn ERA I need some serious advice.

I've been "dating?" this girl for a while now. [...]

Maybe she is just shy?

Ion Stream · Apr 9, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
You're chatting for too long before arranging a date or coming off as thirsty or maybe wierd during the texts.

Online dating is about confidence and momentum. Don't hang around as they will be talking to other people while they are chatting with you.

You have a fair point! I shall try this more forward tactic. What's held me back is that I live in a sort of small town in North Devon where everybody knows everyone, so dating birds can get you a reputation quite quickly haha! So I've been trying to get to know them a bit more than normal before asking them out on a date, so I know whether it's worth it or not!

But fuck it, I shall crack on and be more prompt on suggesting a date. Cheers all :)

Azraes · Apr 9, 2018

Jokab said:
What is you guys' goto lines to revive a conversation that died early? It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle and especially with someone you haven't talked a lot to already. Might as well give it another try but I'm not sure what to say considering I ended on a question.

Depends on the person with some, a topic you guys talked about would work well. With some a passing joke, revived interest in their profile. Sometimes the unexpected. It really depends on the person and your interaction. There's no universal method in this regard since you've not met the person.

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

GiantEnemyCrab said:
Maybe she is just shy?

Doesn't matter. If they've been dating that long and there's not enough chemistry, it's time to move on.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 9, 2018

Sodding_Gamer said:
You have a fair point! I shall try this more forward tactic. What's held me back is that I live in a sort of small town in North Devon where everybody knows everyone, so dating birds can get you a reputation quite quickly haha! So I've been trying to get to know them a bit more than normal before asking them out on a date, so I know whether it's worth it or not!

But fuck it, I shall crack on and be more prompt on suggesting a date. Cheers all :)

The date, the first one should be no big deal mate. Go to Starbucks or the chain coffeshop of your town and have the first date there. In 20 minutes or less you'll know if it's worth it or not to arrange the real first date. "I'm not a fan of texting, let's have a date at X time at X location". Done.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 9, 2018

Addie said:
Don't tell her the complete truth if it'd be cruel. Don't break up with her at your place (sometimes they don't leave). Don't let her leave anything behind that she'll need to retrieve later, or if that happens, realize that some Ubers will deliver packages without passengers.

Do be succinct. Do be ready to end the conversation when it's run its course. Do let her accept a reason that ends the relationship but doesn't make her feel like shit. (This is why "I need to focus on X" is a great justification, provided it's actually true.) Do be compassionate, to a point, but understand that she's no longer your problem as a romantic partner (but still your responsibility as a human person with feelings, so avoid being unnecessarily callous).

Oh, and rule #1: don't let her convince you not to break up with her while you're doing it.

All good advice here.

Ion Stream · Apr 9, 2018

Alwayscrazybacon said:
The date, the first one should be no big deal mate. Go to Starbucks or the chain coffeshop of your town and have the first date there. In 20 minutes or less you'll know if it's worth it or not to arrange the real first date. "I'm not a fan of texting, let's have a date at X time at X location". Done.

Good shout mate!

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

Addie said:
So, one of the factors is "availability for dating," which I mentioned above. That's outside of your control.

One that's on you, of course, is you.

If this is a pattern, can you explain what happens so we can offer advice? Maybe you're doing something that you can improve.

She is avaiable. She has made clear that she is interested in meeting and doing stuff. She wants/wanted to come to me to have barbecue with me, she wanted to come around to play some Mario Kart, there were two times we had a date and two times she cancelled the meeting because at the first time she was working all night and at the second time had stuff coming up. And yes, its the usual execuse and she admitted, that she became a bit "afraid" but want to try things to work out with me.

She really has sympathies for me, its the best conversation in a few months, but it starting to lead to nowhere because we are running out of topics to talk about... And I feel like that I soon reach the point that if we met, it will a awkward silently since I almost have nothing left to ask her and talk about with her. She told me that usually she is the more silent person and since I am the same, it wont end will is my guess... I am happy that currently she is pretty busy since I am not sure what to say to her anymore. Also it doesnt help that I more and more am getting into panic-mode about this whole thing.

SuperiorTrashTalk said:
Maybe you should take a break. You should always take these things in stride or it will come out on the surface when you interact with potential dates, not to mention it will make you miserable. The moment you start to get frustrated with the online dating thing, you should take a breather and come back to it fresh later.

I feel like this is the case right now. Not sure if I could really take a break, since its not even datingapps where I get most of my "matches" or however you want to call it from.
Not sure if I am going to make a break, this will usually only hold a week until I make new account or something.

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

She canceled on you twice and you haven't even met her? And she's still making excuses?

Move on. She's not worth thinking about.

Alwayscrazybacon · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
She is avaiable. She has made clear that she is interested in meeting and doing stuff. She wants/wanted to come to me to have barbecue with me, she wanted to come around to play some Mario Kart, there were two times we had a date and two times she cancelled the meeting because at the first time she was working all night and at the second time had stuff coming up. And yes, its the usual execuse and she admitted, that she became a bit "afraid" but want to try things to work out with me.

She really has sympathies for me, its the best conversation in a few months, but it starting to lead to nowhere because we are running out of topics to talk about... And I feel like that I soon reach the point that if we met, it will a awkward silently since I almost have nothing left to ask her and talk about with her. She told me that usually she is the more silent person and since I am the same, it wont end will is my guess... I am happy that currently she is pretty busy since I am not sure what to say to her anymore. Also it doesnt help that I more and more am getting into panic-mode about this whole .

She likes the attention you give her but has no intention to actually meet you. My two strike rule cuts out all this bullshit of wanna/gonna/next time that you go through. Ask for a date, if she says anything other than yes then it's a no. Benefit of the doubt ask again next week. Similar reply? Move the fuck on. Occasionally I gave a third chance and 100% never got a date, proving the two stike rule worked.

Deleted member 33533 · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
She is avaiable. She has made clear that she is interested in meeting and doing stuff. She wants/wanted to come to me to have barbecue with me, she wanted to come around to play some Mario Kart, there were two times we had a date and two times she cancelled the meeting because at the first time she was working all night and at the second time had stuff coming up. And yes, its the usual execuse and she admitted, that she became a bit "afraid" but want to try things to work out with me.

The only thing she made clear here is that she's a flaky person and she doesn't really want to see you that badly.

If I'm understanding this right, you haven't met this person and they have cancelled meetings with you two times. She can say she wants to meet with you but understand this; if someone likes you they will make it a priority to see you. They will clear their schedule and if they really can't because something came up, they will give you another time right away. Wouldn't you rather date someone who is as interested in seeing you as you are them?

It's more likely than anything that she just wants a texting buddy and has no intention of anything further. I've talked with girls like this online before. They will chat you up and even have deep conversations with you but the moment you mention meeting up they will either make an excuse or disappear. She doesn't respect you or your time but someone should and that's you by cutting contact with her and moving on, hopefully to someone who wants to actually meet up with you.

hydrophilic attack · Apr 9, 2018

Jokab said:
What is you guys' goto lines to revive a conversation that died early? It's so easy to get lost in the shuffle and especially with someone you haven't talked a lot to already. Might as well give it another try but I'm not sure what to say considering I ended on a question.

move on to the next one and finally learn your lesson to ask them out earlier next time

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

SuperiorTrashTalk said:
She doesn't respect you or your time but someone should and that's you by cutting contact with her and moving on, hopefully to someone who wants to actually meet up with you.

That means moving on to nobody instead of waiting a bit until she has time.

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
That means moving on to nobody instead of waiting a bit until she has time.

Yes, it does.

It also means having self-respect and valuing your own time, which you should do.

If you have so much free time that you can wait around for the slight chance this girl eventually reaches out to you and agrees to a date (hint: she won't), then you should — instead — find more productive ways to spend your time, such as going out with friends, volunteering, or learning something new.

Deleted member 33533 · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
That means moving on to nobody instead of waiting a bit until she has time.

Let me rephrase that. When you move on from someone it's not because someone else is there waiting. It's for yourself because you have respect for your time and emotional energy. Things she is causing you to waste. You move on by putting her out of your headspace and priorities. You have other things you could be doing instead of wasting time trying to talk to this girl and get her to meet with you when she keeps cancelling on you.

If you want to wait for her to have time, then just tell her to hit you up when she can go out and then stop talking to her. But don't actually wait for her, be pleasantly surprised if she hits you up with a date in mind.

On a side note, I dated a girl who was somewhat like this. The first time I asked her out she said she was interested but then didn't get back to me until she said she was too busy. She did this twice so I told her to just let me know when she wanted to go out and stopped talking to her. She did actually get back to me and we went out like 4 or 5 times but she still repeated this pattern of suddenly having excuses for not being able to meet up when we had planned something. So like, even if you get this girl to meet up with you, you might still have trouble getting her to come out again.

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

SuperiorTrashTalk said:
Let me rephrase that. When you move on from someone it's not because someone else is there waiting. It's for yourself because you have respect for your time and emotional energy. Things she is causing you to waste. You move on by putting her out of your headspace and priorities. You have other things you could be doing instead of wasting time trying to talk to this girl and get her to meet with you when she keeps cancelling on you.

If you want to wait for her to have time, then just tell her to hit you up when she can go out and then stop talking to her. But don't actually wait for her, be pleasantly surprised if she hits you up with a date in mind.

On a side note, I dated a girl who was somewhat like this. The first time I asked her out she said she was interested but then didn't get back to me until she said she was too busy. She did this twice so I told her to just let me know when she wanted to go out and stopped talking to her. She did actually get back to me and we went out like 4 or 5 times but she still repeated this pattern of suddenly having excuses for not being able to meet up when we had planned something. So like, even if you get this girl to meet up with you, you might still have trouble getting her to come out again.

Thats why I try to keep the convo up... I more or less said that she should tell me when she has time and she was yeah, I will do... And then we continued messaging. But I am just getting to the point were I am just disappointed that it didnt worked out for another time but I dont want to have it fading away, because I am pretty sure that I wont get a date with her when she has time once we stopped talking.

Addie said:
It also means having self-respect and valuing your own time, which you should do.

tbh, I am not sure if I still have this and I am not trying to be funny....

Deleted member 33533 · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
Thats why I try to keep the convo up... I more or less said that she should tell me when she has time and she was yeah, I will do... And then we continued messaging. But I am just getting to the point were I am just disappointed that it didnt worked out for another time but I dont want to have it fading away, because I am pretty sure that I wont get a date with her when she has time once we stopped talking.

How long have you been talking?

GAMEPROFF · Apr 9, 2018

SuperiorTrashTalk said:
How long have you been talking?

I think this is the fourth week...

Addie · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
I think this is the fourth week...

Dude, come on.

"Hey, work's getting busy. Let me know when you want to grab a drink," then stop being her texting buddy.

This isn't hard.

Deleted member 33533 · Apr 9, 2018

GAMEPROFF said:
I think this is the fourth week...

So a whole month and you haven't met up yet?

Ok so in your honest opinion; do you think there was not a single hour in a single day during the past four weeks that she didn't have time to meet up with you? Or do you think she just didn't really want to see you that badly?

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