I am pretty sure you had a relationship at some point, its always easy said when you not spend 25 years alone.
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Am I being unreasonable? First of all in no way is this a big thing, but it did bother me a bit. Basically we were talking about what to do together on Wednesday. She is going to a concert that evening, and we talked about going out to eat together before that. I also knew that her friend also wanted to meet her that day.
Last evening she messaged me telling basically what I just wrote. That her friend wanted to meet her but she would rather have dinner with me. I replied to her, but since her message didn't seem like she was urgently waiting for me to make a decision about the dinner I didn't say yes, or no yet. Hour later she messaged me that she and her friend had decided to meet up. I'm still meeting her later that evening as well, and I know I should have just directly said yes, or no to the dinner offer right away. Am I being an idiot about this, or should I mention this to her?
Last evening she messaged me telling basically what I just wrote. That her friend wanted to meet her but she would rather have dinner with me. I replied to her, but since her message didn't seem like she was urgently waiting for me to make a decision about the dinner I didn't say yes, or no yet. Hour later she messaged me that she and her friend had decided to meet up. I'm still meeting her later that evening as well, and I know I should have just directly said yes, or no to the dinner offer right away. Am I being an idiot about this, or should I mention this to her?
She is a nurse, so she at least has a good execuse... and tbh, if I would go partying, I most likely would already have meet her, but since I dont do this and prefer to meet alone for the first time, so its a bit of my fault, too.
Have you ever considered that you're not getting more dates because you're wasting time on girls who won't ever agree to meet you (for whatever reason)?
Stop making excuses for her.
It's sad.
She's could be a great person. Or maybe she's not. Anyway, it doesn't really matter: she's clearly flaky and doesn't want to date you.
Find someone who does.
Then work on that first, mang. You need to be happy with yourself in order to be happy dating someone. These people you're talking to but haven't met seem to be taking up too much of your mental space.
It doesn't matter if the excuse is good or not. Like I keep saying, if she wanted to see you she absolutely would have made that happen by now. So she's been going out partying but not meeting you? Come on, man.
In the end, do you want to date someone who barely has time for you?
And quit the pity party. It's not good for you, it's not gonna change anything for the better, it will just drag you down. I wouldn't be surprised if this demeanor comes out in your messages with her.
She asked me if I want to come with her but I said that I wont join her. I dont drink and dont dance and nothing, so whats the point in going with her to do that, beside standing akward around and beeing the boring dude? And she was fine with that, if she wouldnt drink, she would not go partying, too.
Are you for real?
She asked you out. And you turned her down.
You admit that you're awkward and boring, and you refuse to do things like drink and dance? There's nothing wrong with having a beer. (Okay, maybe you don't want to drink at all? That's fine. Have club soda.) There's nothing wrong with dancing.
You're literally in this thread complaining at length about a girl who won't go out with you, and yet -- see above! -- you turned her down.
Not only do you need to stop pursuing this girl, as you aren't a match at all, but you need to reassess who you are as a person and decide whether your self-doubt and anxiety prevents you from acting how you'd like to act. If you're happy with who you are (and there's nothing wrong with being relatively introverted), then you need to look for potential partners more in line with your expectations out of life.
It seems that you wouldn't actually be happy with a girl who wants to be social. So what exactly do you want?
You know, there are people living in this world, who are not extrovert. Who like to not get with new people in situations, they are not comfortable with, doing stuff they dont like and beeing there until up in the morning because they had to wake up at 5.30 am in the morning. Maybe I could havd sleeped while waving my arms akwardly around on the dancefloor.
Whats the fucking point going out with her, while I am even before the whole shit started know that I wont feel comfortable with the whole situation. Then I can stay home and dont message her anymore to begin with. In my expectation, going to a date is something booth should enjoy.
Yes, I am fucking for real.
And very strangely that invitation for partying from her was the very first thing on the first day we messaged, and after that she came up with other things to do, which of course went to nothing, but I feel like it was no big problem for her.
We can end discussing about me now.
Thanks for the advice here. Turns out she has a long-term bf, but I still had a good time catching up, and if I do end up working with her there won't be any awkwardness heh.
What scope? Friends, long-term relationships?
(This thread pretty much covers all of it, but I understand the overwhelming amount of "how can I get a date?" posts.)
That's, um, not exactly how this thread works man...
I'm introverted as fuck, I hate being around people, and even I've realized there is literally no way to maintain a relationship with that mindset. She'll get bored and move on. Make the effort. I'm seeing someone who is the exact opposite of me socially, and I'm letting her pull me out of comfort zone. If it's too much, I'm honest and she understands, but at least make the fucking effort. You think it's hard finding people with that attitude, it's even harder to keep someone with it.
You don't have to drink at a party but let her drink. There are people who don't drink at parties, they get a soda or water. You don't have to be a master dancer at a party. But you can still enjoy the experience. You can just observe. Or spend time with her and not have to worry about being an extrovert. I'm no extrovert but that doesn't mean I'm genetically or religiously predetermined to avoid all social settings that have more than a few people. Gotta be out of your comfort zone sometimes.
That sounds less like introversion and more like depression. Get help.
Stop. There are people who don't like going to parties with lots of people getting drunk and dancing. That is a legitimate preference.
Stop making him feel like he needs to just put himself in situations he doesn't want to be in. People who don't want to do those things still have friends and relationships and lead happy, fulfilling lives.
No one is forcing him or making it out to be parties or social gatherings are the only ways to have friends or relationships, so you might want to ease up a bit. Did you read the bit where the girl is also the silent type like him? I doubt she'd be into a loud drunken party like out of the movies. There are all kinds of parties. And if you have at least one person you know at a party, it can go alright. There are many situations we might not want to be in but once we've tried it and realise the world's not going to end, it's more tolerable and maybe even start to like it. Either way, other social situations that he optioned to her didn't work out (Mario Kart, BBQ), so this isn't going anywhere either way.
That's not at all what was being said to him.
If he doesn't want to go to a party he shouldn't feel like he has to go to a party. This "just saddle up and do it" mentality is incredibly toxic. Do you seriously think he isn't basing his preferences on experiences he has had throughout his life?
OP
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His initial problem was a lady who had time to party but hasn't yet had time for him. Going to that party would be the quickest way to meet up with her and see if there's chemistry. It was a solution to his current problem. Instead he's spent four weeks chasing a lead that has yet to pay off.
If he doesn't like parties, that's okay. But then he needs to realize that this girl is not the girl for him. It's like he's a cheesecake and is mad that someone who's lactose intolerant won't spend time with him.
And how's that worked out for him so far? If he's been unsuccessful with dating, maybe he NEEDS to do something different. Regardless, if he can't even be around people to hang out with one person every once in a while, introvert or not, dating should be the least of his worries, and something he should address at the bottom of a long list.
That's not the advice he was given though, which is problematic.
If you only have one solution, don't expect it to work for everyone. "Maybe he needs to do something differently" is a crappy reason for him to do a particular thing that he isn't comfortable doing.
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The point of it all is, they aren't going to meet up. He doesn't like partying, she would rather party than meet up with him. What's the point of keeping up being a texting buddy for a month? It's obviously a lost cause. Clinging onto someone that doesn't want to meet up is just a waste of everyone's time.
If he doesn't wanna do something, fine. But exclaiming in the thread how HARD it is to be this, that, and the other is just making excuses. Gameproff is probably the tenth introverted person to come into the thread this month. You can't use shit like "but I'm intorverted" and "oh I'm inexperienced" in a scenario where guess what? You're going to have to put a minimum amount of effort to do things other than sit at home and play video games if you want a meaningful relationship with someone else.
If he doesn't wanna do something, fine. But exclaiming in the thread how HARD it is to be this, that, and the other is just making excuses. Gameproff is probably the tenth introverted person to come into the thread this month. You can't use shit like "but I'm intorverted" and "oh I'm inexperienced" in a scenario where guess what? You're going to have to put a minimum amount of effort to do things other than sit at home and play video games if you want a meaningful relationship with someone else.
So, why would anyone want tp date you? Don't drink, dance, socalize and then on top of all of that throw a tantrum because your not getting some advice to make her come to you quicker.
Good lord, I don't know what happened.
I've usually had pretty consistent luck with Tinder. Not a ton of matches, but a decent flow.
...and then I turned 25. I don't get it, I've changed maybe one picture, but my matching abilities have been in the shitter since I re-downloaded lol.
I've usually had pretty consistent luck with Tinder. Not a ton of matches, but a decent flow.
...and then I turned 25. I don't get it, I've changed maybe one picture, but my matching abilities have been in the shitter since I re-downloaded lol.
Naw. Saddle up and go to the party because for God fucking sakes, social interaction sometimes requires stepping out of you comfort zone to get somewhere.
So god damn dramatic honestly.
If go to the party (of which there is a million types of parties, party can literally be anything from turn the fuck up with 100 people to like 7 having some drinks and chillin) and learn to be social is toxic then I'm down like that.
Guess what? If you wanna have success dating you're gonna have to try new things and do some shit you arent normally use to. That's life. No need to sugar coat that shit.
Or he could date someone who doesn't want to go out to parties and drink. The way you're peddling your toxic advice as some universal truth is disturbing.
News flash. Son isn't dating anyone right now so what is this "oh he could just choose other' shit? Clearly not. Dude needs to take an opoortunity and use it as a chance to grow and experience new things. Son doesn't need to text for a month, then at an openong bail out.
If you dont wanna drink no one said drink. But I dont like parties is weak ass game if you're spending all your time complaining about not getting dates and opportunities. Dude is 25. He roughly my age. Meeting new people in that young adult phase outside of school is significantly harder. You have to take opportunities to meet new people as they come. It's a party not a fucking sacrafice ritual.
I dont like parties is fine. But then your ass better be working double time to meet people. And I guarantee those avenues are much more work then, "I went to a party and talked to random people. They were nice".
I'll take my toxicity though. Cause I'm not gonna use kid gloves on dudes whining about being without relationship yet avoiding the number one most obvious way people in their 20s meet "parties and bars". If you aint gon try you dont get to cry.
If a party is 3 friends hanging out and drinking beer, which is what I did for the Super Bowl, and someone's unwilling to do that (with soda and pizza), does your opinion change?
"Parties" don't have a universal definition.
No one's saying he needs to head to EDM shows and roll next weekend. Or get carried home by friends because he's too drunk to function.
We're saying that "I'm introverted and don't like to do anything social, why I can't meet anyone?" is such a frequent question here and it's almost always an excuse from someone unwilling to put in a modicum of effort.
I'm also an introvert. I need recharge time. But I also realized that all relationships (including friendships) require maintenance.
There would be no issue if such a person regularly met up with with friends for board game night, volunteering, book club, or even nights cooking together.
But sorry ERA (and this isn't directed at anyone in particular; it's a general statement): if you never leave your house, there's a pretty good chance you'll actually be forever alone.
Let's not pretend that the advice this guy was getting amounted to "be open to hanging out in a small group when you get the opportunity"
And let's also be clear that the advice I responded to was not suggesting that he pick up a group activity relating to a hobby he likes.
He was specifically told that when he gets invited to go out drinking and dancing, that he should do it even if he's not comfortable going out to dance with drunk people. Layover the "saddle up" toxic masculinity undertones and you've got yourself some grade A shit advice.
Toxic advice is to take agency in your life and be social? "You keep using that word but it does not mean what you think it means".gif
I know perfectly well what it means. "Just do the thing you're not comfortable doing because that's what society tells you to do" is the textbook definition of toxic.
Wasting your time fam. Go to a party and be social is "toxic" lmao.
Society isn't telling son to do anything. He fucking came here for advice lmao. He can walk his ass out at any point without taking any of it and no one here will lose sleep.
You actually have no idea what you're talking about.
Come on, just admit you're introverted and stop projecting.
I mean he came in here looking for advice and shot down pretty much every suggestion.
What are people supposed to tell him SugarNoodles ? Just keep talking to this girl hoping that she will give him the time of day? Reminder that before people told him to go out to this party, we told him to move on from this girl because they don't seem like a match. He basically refused. So people gave him another suggestion.
What are people supposed to tell him SugarNoodles ? Just keep talking to this girl hoping that she will give him the time of day? Reminder that before people told him to go out to this party, we told him to move on from this girl because they don't seem like a match. He basically refused. So people gave him another suggestion.
"Admit" I am introverted? That's never something I've felt the need to hide, nor am I able to see why I would. That's a really weird thing for you to say.
Not really interested in your "no such thing as societal pressure" anti-intellectual "complaining is crying" toxic masculinity bull shit
Look who doesn't realize women here have also given this advice... and assumes we're all dudebros. LOL.
Look who actually thinks that women can't subscribe to views of toxic masculinity.
No one ever said there is no such thing as societal pressure. I said this is an advice thread for people who are failing at dating. If you are failing and you are given advice, you don't get to whine and complain about "society trying to make me something I'm not". Naw son, it's people advising you on ways to fix your issue.
Throwing toxic masculinity in front of everything you disagree with doesn't make this nigga feel any type of way so by all means. It's not me failing here. Its not me who is going to be alone if I'm not open to change so it's not me who really care about people saying shit to make themselves feel better. A party isn't the end of the world. If you have trouble meeting people and the fucking #1 way to meet people is offered to you, you're dumb for not taking the opportunity.
Sorry but it's true. The whole "Society is trying to change me" angle is so weak. If you are failing, you don't get to make the rules of engagement.
So Noodles, you actually have any advice for our mans or you just here to help him not do anything different?
Telling a dude who doesn't want to party to actually party is just going to lead him to being a wallflower. Personal experience. You have to actually want to go if you want to have a good time
Does framing things as a false dilemma make you feel like you have a better chance of being right?
My advice is very clear.
I think the idea is like, he should want to go to begin with. Party can be so many things. I've been to parties straight outta a movie in giant ass houses with drugs everywhere and I've been to parties that was like 8 people having a few brews just playing cards and vids. It can be anything. One type of party can be your thing and another can be your most hated environment.
The issue is, if you refuse to go to any you'll never know. Even if dude doesn't go to this party there will be other opportunities with people he does no and it's a good idea to get comfortable with the idea that you can like, drink a pop, meet some people and just go with the flow.
You didn't give any advice. No where did you advise him on what you think he should do to improve his situation with this girl or in general. All you did was complain about other people's advice. So again. What should son do?
Frankly it depends on the date. Just gotta feel it out. It doesn't hurt your chances to pay but sometimes women like to split so it doesn't feel like the date is on uneven footing. If it's just drinks, I'd suggest you just say you got the first round. Dinner? Well dinner is an awful first date so just don't do that.