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Look, keep seeing her as long as it's enjoyable for you to do so, but this is kind of alarming.
What???
The fact that she is defining a frame of time like that to see if it works out sounds really weird to me.
I would go with caution with her..
4-5 months? How about 4-5 dates? Honestly, it doesn't even need to take that long to figure out if you want to keep seeing each other. Based on her reaction to you seeing other people, that ONE date would've been enough for me to say no. Are you ok with her setting terms for you like this after one date? Personally, I would spend more time talking to the other girls you've been in contact with.
"sincere" doesn't mean you have to stop texting other girls after a first date. Huge red flag, I'd move on fast.
People can be sincerely looking for a serious relationship, but still talking to a couple different people. It's how you decide on someone right for you, rather than just exclusively dating right off the bat and getting trapped in a situation with someone you're not that compatible with. If she can't understand how it works, she's not in the right state of mind for dating.
I don't normally engage in hyperbole and dive off the deep end into fiction, but --
If this were a movie and the female lead got herself pregnant to keep the reluctant guy she's dating, what you just described would be her origin story.
Everything you've said makes me echo the earlier comments: bail, don't look back; she doesn't have any respect for boundaries or the process of dating.
Bit of an update, just got off the phone after breaking up with her. This really fucking sucks :(
I have this friend who I am emotionally attached to and have even opened up about mental illness. The problem is I'm also romantically attracted to her. Is it worth it to pursue a relationship with her or should I just live and let live? I want to open up with her as a friend but I also don't want to open up too much and look like a weirdo (though, that's probably just general insecurity). I don't know how I should go about any of this tbh
Yikes. Why are you checking up on her after you've broken up for a while? Just cut off all contact, go on dates, find someone else.
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Often when your in the situation you dont have the perspective or objectivity an observer does. She's 30, still single and panicking she wont find someone. She's not secure or comfortable with herself and you dont want to be anywhere near that as she's going to race you to marriage and parenthood at lightning fucking speed. Reddest of red flags.
once youve opened up to her like that chances are nill she will want to date you.
Yes, but it didn't USED to, not like it does now, especially with Cheeto-face.
Why is that if I don't mind asking? It's a mutual thing between us btw
its hard to explain but imagine a prescription drug commercial
your the drug
now imagine if all the side effects were stated at the beginning of the ad instead of the end
would you buy that drug?
Sucks, but you did the right thing and you'll be glad that you did it in due time.
If you trust her enough to share your secrets with her then definitely ask her out.
As for when. In my experience if you are doing enough to keep them interested most people wont care that you have baggage. Its Brad Pitt rule territory.
In saying that. Ask her out first. Don't let your past/struggles define your new relationship.
Also. If she doesn't want to date you then wait about a week, then just go back to normal.
My girlfriend came home upset last night, I was playing some online video game at the time and didn't initially notice she was upset and made my housemate answer the door to her. As soon as I saw her though, I could tell something was wrong, so I dropped out of my multiplayer game and told her to talk with me upstairs. She was upset, feeling that she's being bullied at work. I sat with her for a couple of hours, tried to cheer her up and whatnot, mostly just by listening to her and being affectionate.
I went to make dinner for us both after that, and during dinner she decided to tell me that she loved me. I haven't said this to her yet, and I didn't know what to say.
I do like her, but at the same time I don't think that everything is perfect with our relationship. I kind of get the impression that she uses me from time to time. Like, sometimes I'll have had a bad day, come home from work and she'll want me to cook dinner for her. I do it, and she'll complain that something wasn't right about it, or something like that. I've spoken to her about this type of thing, but I'm not certain I can feel like I love someone that treats me like that on a pretty regular basis. I told her that I have treated her as though I loved her since we met, I asked her if she felt loved, and she agreed, and I told her that I just didn't want to say it until I felt everything was right with us, explaining those issues.
She said she felt embarrassed and wanted to take it back, said that she felt vulnerable and I made her feel safe, so she said she loved me without thinking. I didn't really pay much attention to this. I don't think you can really undo what you've said in that kind of circumstance. In any case, when I left her to go to work this morning she said 'I do love you', so I don't think there's any ambiguity there.
Truth be told, I'm happy with her, I enjoy her company, but I don't honestly know if I'll ever, consistently feel like I love her. Sometimes I feel it, but it's not as easy as it has been in relationships in the past. I suppose the thing is, although I make her feel loved, she doesn't make me feel that way - the way she acts, doesn't make me feel like she cares for me at times. Ironic then, that she said it first.
I went to make dinner for us both after that, and during dinner she decided to tell me that she loved me. I haven't said this to her yet, and I didn't know what to say.
I do like her, but at the same time I don't think that everything is perfect with our relationship. I kind of get the impression that she uses me from time to time. Like, sometimes I'll have had a bad day, come home from work and she'll want me to cook dinner for her. I do it, and she'll complain that something wasn't right about it, or something like that. I've spoken to her about this type of thing, but I'm not certain I can feel like I love someone that treats me like that on a pretty regular basis. I told her that I have treated her as though I loved her since we met, I asked her if she felt loved, and she agreed, and I told her that I just didn't want to say it until I felt everything was right with us, explaining those issues.
She said she felt embarrassed and wanted to take it back, said that she felt vulnerable and I made her feel safe, so she said she loved me without thinking. I didn't really pay much attention to this. I don't think you can really undo what you've said in that kind of circumstance. In any case, when I left her to go to work this morning she said 'I do love you', so I don't think there's any ambiguity there.
Truth be told, I'm happy with her, I enjoy her company, but I don't honestly know if I'll ever, consistently feel like I love her. Sometimes I feel it, but it's not as easy as it has been in relationships in the past. I suppose the thing is, although I make her feel loved, she doesn't make me feel that way - the way she acts, doesn't make me feel like she cares for me at times. Ironic then, that she said it first.
Hello guys this is my first post in this thread. My case is kind off special so bare with me. I don't really know how to approach dating anymore.
Due to a mild-heavy case of depression I haven't been seeing a lot of people in the last 5 years. In fact there where months were I wouldn't even leave the house.
Long story short, now I'm feeling a lot better and I'm also working again, ready to take the next step.
The problem the last time I was dating girls was almost 10 years ago back in high school. Everything fell automatically into place, it all just came naturally. Now I don't have a social circle I can mingle into and I don't have any contact with my old school friends. I work in IT so my coworkers are mostly men. It kinda feels like trying to lose my virginity a second time since I haven't had sex in such a long time.
What are some good first steps to get back into dating? I haven't really used social media a lot so I ordered Modern Romance from Aziz Ansari primarily because he was funny as hell in Parks and Rec.
Due to a mild-heavy case of depression I haven't been seeing a lot of people in the last 5 years. In fact there where months were I wouldn't even leave the house.
Long story short, now I'm feeling a lot better and I'm also working again, ready to take the next step.
The problem the last time I was dating girls was almost 10 years ago back in high school. Everything fell automatically into place, it all just came naturally. Now I don't have a social circle I can mingle into and I don't have any contact with my old school friends. I work in IT so my coworkers are mostly men. It kinda feels like trying to lose my virginity a second time since I haven't had sex in such a long time.
What are some good first steps to get back into dating? I haven't really used social media a lot so I ordered Modern Romance from Aziz Ansari primarily because he was funny as hell in Parks and Rec.
massoluk Bail. Let's get the facts.
1. She doesn't want you to see other people and would prefer for you to call it off on the first dinner date. This is the first date, right?
2. She wants to date you for 4-5 months and well if it doesn't work out then stay friends.
3. Brings up age and age-related insecurities of being single.
4. Sincere idonotthinkitmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans.gif is what I'd tell her for the usage of the word.
What it read is - You're a safe bet. She's not certain of you but you're a safe bet if she's already considered a time-frame for which it could die. All of this on the first date. Late night conversations is what you guys had I assume and people get silly and say a lot of things and not everything means what it means mostly because people feel comfortable and intimate. It reads like she wants someone, anyone who isn't a dick to settle with for now but when something better comes along time she can move on there. If you proceed with this, you'll soon be the guy on the line after she ends things and someone she would eventually decide to drop relationship problems on.
Ernest You know fireworks are pretty but you don't want to be riding the rocket that bursts into those pretty colours. Values will always come up and if her values are so much different from yours then the most you can have is a hatefucking session. Anything more is a pretty hellfire choice to entertain.
Nick_ThePerson Emotionally attached to and you've opened up to her about your problems. Just out of curiosity, how long have you known her? I'm just asking because I wonder if this is a case of transference. If she's just a very empathetic person and a friend she's obviously trying to help you as a friend and might not have any feelings for you. You can ask her out but it really depends on the nature of your relationship. If a lot of it has been exchanging mutual problems or well one person opening up a lot and things like that then it need not be anything more than the empathy trap or transference.
1. She doesn't want you to see other people and would prefer for you to call it off on the first dinner date. This is the first date, right?
2. She wants to date you for 4-5 months and well if it doesn't work out then stay friends.
3. Brings up age and age-related insecurities of being single.
4. Sincere idonotthinkitmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans.gif is what I'd tell her for the usage of the word.
What it read is - You're a safe bet. She's not certain of you but you're a safe bet if she's already considered a time-frame for which it could die. All of this on the first date. Late night conversations is what you guys had I assume and people get silly and say a lot of things and not everything means what it means mostly because people feel comfortable and intimate. It reads like she wants someone, anyone who isn't a dick to settle with for now but when something better comes along time she can move on there. If you proceed with this, you'll soon be the guy on the line after she ends things and someone she would eventually decide to drop relationship problems on.
Ernest You know fireworks are pretty but you don't want to be riding the rocket that bursts into those pretty colours. Values will always come up and if her values are so much different from yours then the most you can have is a hatefucking session. Anything more is a pretty hellfire choice to entertain.
Nick_ThePerson Emotionally attached to and you've opened up to her about your problems. Just out of curiosity, how long have you known her? I'm just asking because I wonder if this is a case of transference. If she's just a very empathetic person and a friend she's obviously trying to help you as a friend and might not have any feelings for you. You can ask her out but it really depends on the nature of your relationship. If a lot of it has been exchanging mutual problems or well one person opening up a lot and things like that then it need not be anything more than the empathy trap or transference.
Sounds like you have a caretaker relationship. Obviously you have feelings for her and empathise with her but do you really love her? Relationships are about compromise and your relationship isn't a perfectly emotionally equal relationship from the sounds of things. I guess the question is does she do the things you do for her for you? Sometimes in some relationships one person takes the role of the caretaker and they're often happy to do so. Some people need relationships like that (there's a whole kink related to that as well but that's hmm well that could have something to do here...) and when they get that they feel loved and they will love the person. You'll see the bratty side and all that too. However, if you have wants and needs in the relationship that aren't being met then you need to say that and see if she works towards it. If they aren't being worked towards will you be okay with it, will you be happy with being the caretaker in the relationship. I don't doubt she loves you because of what you provide (in fact I think it's probably been there for a bit now) but are you okay to being in the role you're in. If your answer is yes then yeah it's not going to be hard to continue. If your answer is no or maybe you might need to re-evaluate.
Meetups, dating events, socialising, etc if you're a social/sociable person this is probably a good avenue to start with to get back into the flurry of meeting people, hanging out, feeling confident and actually being able to talk to people. In terms of dating apps try the ones that work best in your area and use apps to arrange dates; don't be disheartened if most don't pan out (remember that even in cities like London where people use a lot of dating apps the ratio of men to women is 4:1 despite the demographic ratio being 1:1). Getting back to dating is easier when you actually start socialising mostly because it helps you get out of the inner zone and lets you be comfortable in a social setting. When you keep meeting new people in a social setting you'll be used to just talking to new people on a regular basis and when you're on a date you'll be able to talk to them as a person first and romantic interest second which is one of the keys to appearing confident really - treating everyone as the same regardless of long term intent. (Not that it needs to be said but often in today's society it does.) Who knows where you'll meet the best dates and eventual best partner but a slow starting out to making and meeting new friends leads to more dates and things too.
Each individual is different, however.
Thanks for the good advice. It's hard for me to motivate myself to meet new people but I think it's getting easier now in the spring/summer. Joining a sport/hobby club would be probably best for me.
It should only take 3 dates to determine whether you two should keep pursuing each other or not.
Seems so risky man, you can try. But if she's not interested it might make it awkward between the two of you as friends too... Also Cryptosporidium drug example is really good
UPDATE
Well i guess things are going good so far cuz my gf wants to lose her you know what to me. Welp time to go to london soon again :P nah but really we have so much in common and we talk al day + the sexual tension is just insane too xd. Like we are on one line.
To meet a gf thanks to a game you love (splatoon) and on twitter lol. Funnily enough if i never asked for her friend code we never would have started talking :)
I am from the Netherlands btw so luckily going to london from time to time does not break the bank.
Honestly i am the happiest ive ever been.
We are both heavily into eachother.
And she thinks i look hot af aswell xd but luckily she also loves my personality. Tbh i can't complain looks wise i just suck at dating :p so i am happy this happened.
Really unexpected but very happy :)
So yeah a very positive update :)
She is sooooo cute and ah a girl that likes gaming and splatoon too, i truly love her and she me too.
*heart shaped eyes*
Well i guess things are going good so far cuz my gf wants to lose her you know what to me. Welp time to go to london soon again :P nah but really we have so much in common and we talk al day + the sexual tension is just insane too xd. Like we are on one line.
To meet a gf thanks to a game you love (splatoon) and on twitter lol. Funnily enough if i never asked for her friend code we never would have started talking :)
I am from the Netherlands btw so luckily going to london from time to time does not break the bank.
Honestly i am the happiest ive ever been.
We are both heavily into eachother.
And she thinks i look hot af aswell xd but luckily she also loves my personality. Tbh i can't complain looks wise i just suck at dating :p so i am happy this happened.
Really unexpected but very happy :)
So yeah a very positive update :)
She is sooooo cute and ah a girl that likes gaming and splatoon too, i truly love her and she me too.
*heart shaped eyes*
You were sincere about talking to other people, so I don't know what she's talking about. The "I'm already 30" sounds like the panic of not being married or having kids has set in.
I believe Chrono has said in the past that he's attracted to "damaged" people, so it's not particularly surprising.
Squiddo ᔦꙬᔨ Dating someone who lives a long distance away can be rough, but I'm glad that you seem to be going well. How old are you guys?
I think it used to be just as much. As a person of middling to advanced years I feel I can relate some useful, but anecdotal info.
1) religion – this has always been kind of a dividing line. The closer someone is to say, umm, inculcated by religion in certain umm, lets say conservative ways... you get the point, it has been a growing divide over my lifetime. (EDIT: Because people are becoming less religious, and society accepts people who are not religious more)
2) Education – has always been a big influencer of you you meet.
3) money(status/work) – another big influencer
OK, so in the past, without internet, those three things I feel kind of kept the pool of people you had contact with kinda homogenous.
With the internet, I think people still look for the boxes they are familiar with, but theres way more chance now for, lets say a very "christian" conservative to come in contact with someone who would never comport with those views and lifestyle.
But on the other hand for all that, I wish I had things like tinder when I was younger. I met my current SO on okcupid, so I am speaking from a little experience.
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lazerfox Sounds like a plan. Activities are great and you'll make a bunch of new friends too. It's a win-win and honestly it wouldn't take that long either. As an aside, in most cities these days, boardgame clubs or activities are where you'll find the ratio skewing more to women.
Sedated Thank you for the kinds words but the entire thread has loads of good dating advice.
Subpar Scrub I guess that makes sense. I know a few who just nurture and play the role of caretaker.
melodiousmowl I agree with you on religion definitely. Education and money depends on backgrounds and personalities. I've had former classmates and people I've worked with who come from pretty decent backgrounds and are quite well-educated but tend to date people they pick up in really shitty bars and then whine about their dating lives. I mean they date trashy people in general who end up causing them physical harm yet somehow they don't get that their poor choices lead to that. Of course this is anecdotal but I have noticed these empathy-bombs as I like to call some of them feel sorry for everyone and end up picking the worst people wanting to fix them without fixing their own issues and dating some horrible people. By the time some of these people learn their lesson they're well past their 20s and usually mid 30s to 40s. When it comes to dating apps though your three points are quite valid. But in terms of your larger point, you're absolutely right values always come into play in relationships that aren't arranged by families (be it by culture or for business purposes).
Sedated Thank you for the kinds words but the entire thread has loads of good dating advice.
Subpar Scrub I guess that makes sense. I know a few who just nurture and play the role of caretaker.
melodiousmowl I agree with you on religion definitely. Education and money depends on backgrounds and personalities. I've had former classmates and people I've worked with who come from pretty decent backgrounds and are quite well-educated but tend to date people they pick up in really shitty bars and then whine about their dating lives. I mean they date trashy people in general who end up causing them physical harm yet somehow they don't get that their poor choices lead to that. Of course this is anecdotal but I have noticed these empathy-bombs as I like to call some of them feel sorry for everyone and end up picking the worst people wanting to fix them without fixing their own issues and dating some horrible people. By the time some of these people learn their lesson they're well past their 20s and usually mid 30s to 40s. When it comes to dating apps though your three points are quite valid. But in terms of your larger point, you're absolutely right values always come into play in relationships that aren't arranged by families (be it by culture or for business purposes).
Thanks for the reply. It's something I'll have to think about.
She can be really kind, in the past she's made dinner for myself and 10+ friends, but in general those gestures are more isolated, coming from her. She displayed a lot of passionate and emotional affection, but not physical in terms of going out of her way to do something nice for me. I don't mind looking after the girl that I'm with, especially emotionally, but I'm not really interested in running petty errands for her and whatnot. It's in fairly stark contrast to my ex, who used to do things like write little notes and sneak them into my pockets, made sure she took care of everything if I had a hard day, etc. I'm not sure if it's right, or wrong to expect that type of thing, but generally I expect to take care of my partner, and the same in turn.
Actually, I don't think whether your damaged or not really has a lot to with it. While my ex's were all damaged in certain ways, they were all very different in terms of how they behaved, how caring they were, etc. Everyone's different and they respond and recover from their trauma in different ways.
She nearly 18 me 23, yeah a bit of a age gap but we are both fine with it.
I know it can be rough but i am glad taking a boat/ferry trip to england is not that expensive from here so i dont mind it at all.
Also planning to go on a vacation with her to greece or turkey next year or so and have a nice time together.
Honestly i don't mind it cuz we really like/love each other alot so i will give it a fair change.
besides thanks to my adhd meds my anxiety of being in a relationship etc is finally gone. She has light autism so we both have something but luckily she is fine cuz believe me i know a mental unstable person would be no good for me and would drain me.
I am excited for whats to come and really happy with her. So yeah ill give this relationship a fair go.
As someone that has experience with a relationship with someone from England, or from another country in general. Long term it is very difficult. One of the two has to give up their roots and that will stay rough. The person that stays in their own country will always have a feeling of guilt and the person moving will always miss home. Not trying to scare you, but keep that in mind.
Another reason is that it's very difficult to start over in another country. My ex couldn't start her life here at all due to depression and other issues, and got unhappy because of that. And I got unhappy with her for the same reason. Even without depression it's a huge undertaking to start your life in another country.
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I just meant that the tendency to date people with emotional trauma means that you'd be at a higher likelihood of donning a "caretaker" or at least be engaging in a more frequent emotional support role.
I surely will thanks and ill talk about it with her how she thinks about that. Tbh idm living in england myself at all but i wonder how she feels about movin to my country in the future etc.
But yeah thanks! That's indeed a topic i should bring up with her. Cuz thats indeed kinda big and important for later. Ill do today.
Well the dinner thing sounds more of a one-off sort of gesture since you aren't going to bring so many people and she's just being a supportive partner there. But how about when it's only you, and you alone? How often does she do much for just yourself? It also sounds you have different ways of expressing affection; everyone has different ways. Your ex and this girl are different and you can't expect the same kind of expression (you can find it but can't expect it). Your ex was more expressive through her actions and this woman through verbal displays and physical contact. But in return she sort of likes her smaller needs met for which she relies on you.
The only thing I see as an issue here is if you really find yourself loving this person you should be able to overlook that internal checks and balances thing (which is often an Extraverted Feeling side-effect but I'm not bringing Jung here). She's not going to change her behaviour suddenly, you should have this conversation with her that you would like it if she did more things for you or that you don't want to do this all the time i.e. if it really does bother you (or you realise it will in the future). My honest recommendation, once you've had a chance to reflect have a conversation with her, air it out, and it shouldn't be trouble. This is the sort of thing you can communicate, provided you phrase it in a way that doesn't make the other person feel guilty.
All long distance relationships require sacrifice. It's a given. It's easier when their directions align as in I want to go study/work in the country where my partner lives. I've seen successful and failed long distance relationships in my time. Usually from my observation LDRs that form when mobility is an issue due to fiscal or political (passport) reasons the chances of failure are greater even after they start living together. Adult LDRs (I mean late 20s on) work out or fizzle out very quickly because people are aware of the risks when they get into it and possess the maturity of knowing how to deal with it/what they want from life.
I agree with Azraes that you need to build up your social circle before dating. Meetups and social sports clubs are a great way to do this. There are myriad benefits to doing so before dipping into online dating, such as:
1. You're better at social talk. Online dating can be a crapshoot and the most important thing for first dates is to make someone feel at ease. You develop this skill by hanging with friends a lot and learning social cues and jokes and such.
2. Rejection doesn't hurt as bad. If you're alone and first dates don't work out, calling a few kickball buddies to check out the new brewery that just opened is so much better than doing something at home by yourself and will remind you that you're worthwhile and people care about you.
3. Offline dating. Friends of friends and meeting people IRL is still, imo, by far the best way to find compatible people to date. Building up your social circle means you don't have to rely exclusively on online dating which can be very hot and cold in terms of getting dates.
4. During slumps and breaks (and unless you get lucky you'll need some breaks) you'll still have people to interact with and keep you engaged and out in the world.
Congrats on the good times, LDRs can be tough but it seems like so far, so good, and the distance doesn't seem TOO far either.
And you can talk about sex here in normal tones, if you wish >.>" Just not incredibly detailed explanations
Well just had a tinder thing fall through. She said I wasn't talkative and aggressive enough, which is true. I'm really not, I only really like to talk to people when I want to. Which I guess is the definition of selfish. I mean it's not like I don't like it when people message me, but I guess with girls you really have to be the one that's leading. It's just hard for me to keep on talking, especially with text. I just suck at small talk. And yeah I sure didn't ask this chick on a date when the timing was good.
But I guess this just highlight's my incompetence. I don't really know exactly when to pull the trigger on these things. And I'm just genuinely confused on how to talk. Like I don't want to be the dudes I've seen who are super aggressive and drop the "lets fuck" really quickly, but I'm too much of a meek passive dude who likes to go with the flow.
I guess I have to work on finding a good balance.
But then again I don't like it when people are aggressive with me.
Oh well I guess, but as much as tinder and the like are a nice training area. I think meeting someone in person not through tinder is my only hope. I just vibe better with people in person once I get comfortable.
But I guess this just highlight's my incompetence. I don't really know exactly when to pull the trigger on these things. And I'm just genuinely confused on how to talk. Like I don't want to be the dudes I've seen who are super aggressive and drop the "lets fuck" really quickly, but I'm too much of a meek passive dude who likes to go with the flow.
I guess I have to work on finding a good balance.
But then again I don't like it when people are aggressive with me.
Oh well I guess, but as much as tinder and the like are a nice training area. I think meeting someone in person not through tinder is my only hope. I just vibe better with people in person once I get comfortable.
From your experiences, do you guys ever meet women who are married and don't wear their rings? I've been in the same circles as this woman who's been flirty with me on a number of occasions. At first I looked at her social media and saw pictures of her with her husband, but those were from a while back where she was also wearing a ring(s)
The few women I know who don't wear rings work in the fitness industry or other jobs where their rings could fuck their hands up.
If you want to know if she's single, just ask *shrug*