DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Hung out with a lady friend went to a nice beach cafe... had one of those..."damn shes good looking today" realizations haha. Maybe she just nailed the make up, and summer style for the cafe we went to or something. Spent the whole afternoon and evening/early morning together. Met up with one of my friends and she invited one of hers which lead to a fun double date. Hit a rooftop party and spent way too much on drinks, went to the after party, and then all ended up at my house eating cup ramen and having some last drinks.

Went well but decided to not push the "stay over angle" after they (and me) had been drinking for a solid 13 hours, though it was verbalized several times on the way to my place. Going to meet up with her again tomorrow but without the others this time.

Friends (and friends who get along with other peoples friends) make good date company.

Shortly after the coffee offer, I did originally set up "before I leave for Japan trip", then during a random conversation, told her I wanna get her souvenirs, so we changed it to "after I come back".

Went hiking with friends this morning, and thought it would be nice to also spend time with her the day before I leave, so I just called her. She wasn't really hesitant, she agreed, but to text her the night before so she doesn't forget.

If she really wants to go she wont "forget".

Coolwhip said:

Just keep your eyes open and be honest with yourself. And talk to her about things.

I made the mistake to just think "this is forever" in my previous relationship despite feelings changing pretty quickly for her. Sometimes 2 people are just not meant to be together.

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Thanks, I'll keep this in mind going forward. I definitely stayed in my last relationship too long, and realized later that we weren't that good together. With my current girlfriend things have been pretty much perfect though, so it bugs me that I feel like this sometimes. There's still way more good days though, so I'm just gonna attribute it to normal ups and downs for now, and see how I feel over the next couple months.

Broke it off with my GF yesterday and need to vent some. I feel horrible even though I was convinced I did the right thing. I was going crazy inside my head and I just couldn't open up to her. In times when she needed my help I blocked her off instead of being there for her. Sex was non existent. I felt like we were dragging each other down, instead of lifting each other up. We were a negative factor in each other's lives. She realized that too. I need to work on myself lots more before I start dating again. I overestimated my mental state, although I've been working on it for over 4 years now.

And yet, she said she could be with me for hundreds of years. She would've put up with all of this. Then she said that she loved me and something inside me cracked. Fucking gut wrenching. She was/is hurting so bad. Despite all the negative shit, we treated each other with respect. Like adults. That was the first time in my life I had a relationship like this. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met. So, right now, I'm kinda empty and lost. I want to believe I made the right call for both of us, but I just can't at the moment.

Either way, thanks for reading. Some people in this thread were absolutely right when I came here for help a couple of months ago.

okay Era.. I've been single for about a year and half and I think it's about time I jump back into the dating scene. My last breakup was amicable and I've just been doing my own thing for a while, so it's not like I've been siting around and moping about.

the OP has a lot of good tips but I figured I'd make this interesting; for those of you who are currently dating, what advice can you give that you've recently picked up?

Tater said:

Hey DatingERA, looking for some advice:

Met a lady on Hinge, we texted for a few days and then met up for a 'quick drink'. Things went well (IMO), we have a bunch in common, and she invited me to a comedy show she was going to later that evening. At the place, she introduced me to several other people she knew there. Couldn't really talk during the show, but we chatted for a little bit after the show.

As we left the building, I asked her if she wanted to go get some ice cream, but she told me that she needed to be up early the next day, and had to go home. We said our goodbyes, I told her I had nice time and would like to see her again sometime - she told me yes, but she was going out of town that week, and wouldn't be back for a week or so, and that we should plan something once she got back. Her demeanor was positive (she initiated a hug), but her actions made her seem unavailable, so I started to thing she was just trying to give a "soft no".

I overthought things a bit and texted her on my way home, with a quick "I had a great time with you, would love to see you when you get back from your trip", she responded the next day with a message saying that it sounded good, talk when she gets back. I took that as a sign to let her reach out when she got back from her trip.

At this point, it's been about a week or so since she got back, and I haven't heard anything from her. Not sure if I should send her a text or not, what do you think? I feel like I got mixed signals before, and I don't want to bug her. At the same time, a short and simple text isn't that onerous, and I might be reading the situation incorrectly.

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I'm late here, but how did this end up?

The girl I just went on a date with Sunday night is going away for a week. She's not much of a texter so I'm just hoping it still works out when she gets back.

Denzar said:

Broke it off with my GF yesterday and need to vent some. I feel horrible even though I was convinced I did the right thing. I was going crazy inside my head and I just couldn't open up to her. In times when she needed my help I blocked her off instead of being there for her. Sex was non existent. I felt like we were dragging each other down, instead of lifting each other up. We were a negative factor in each other's lives. She realized that too. I need to work on myself lots more before I start dating again. I overestimated my mental state, although I've been working on it for over 4 years now.

And yet, she said she could be with me for hundreds of years. She would've put up with all of this. Then she said that she loved me and something inside me cracked. Fucking gut wrenching. She was/is hurting so bad. Despite all the negative shit, we treated each other with respect. Like adults. That was the first time in my life I had a relationship like this. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met. So, right now, I'm kinda empty and lost. I want to believe I made the right call for both of us, but I just can't at the moment.

Either way, thanks for reading. Some people in this thread were absolutely right when I came here for help a couple of months ago.

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Bro I felt the exact same way after breaking up with my GF. For somewhat the same reasons, that we didn't make each other better. Right after and the following weeks I thought I made the worst mistake of my life, but it gradually got better. Now, over 8 months later, I still miss the good times we had but I don't miss her specifically. It gets better, just hang in there.

Denzar said:

Broke it off with my GF yesterday and need to vent some. I feel horrible even though I was convinced I did the right thing. I was going crazy inside my head and I just couldn't open up to her. In times when she needed my help I blocked her off instead of being there for her. Sex was non existent. I felt like we were dragging each other down, instead of lifting each other up. We were a negative factor in each other's lives. She realized that too. I need to work on myself lots more before I start dating again. I overestimated my mental state, although I've been working on it for over 4 years now.

And yet, she said she could be with me for hundreds of years. She would've put up with all of this. Then she said that she loved me and something inside me cracked. Fucking gut wrenching. She was/is hurting so bad. Despite all the negative shit, we treated each other with respect. Like adults. That was the first time in my life I had a relationship like this. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met. So, right now, I'm kinda empty and lost. I want to believe I made the right call for both of us, but I just can't at the moment.

Either way, thanks for reading. Some people in this thread were absolutely right when I came here for help a couple of months ago.

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Damn that's rough, especially with how much she cares about you. Eventually though, I think you'll get in a relationship that'll make you realize how easy it can be with the right person. I used to to think my last girlfriend was about as good as things got and we just had the timing wrong, but the person I'm seeing is just so much better in every way. Glad you were able to realize that things weren't working for you rather than waiting until things became more toxic.

If online dating sites are anything to go by, the older I get the harder its going to be to find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't want them.
As a 32 year old I think I'm screwed and getting more screwed as the years go by. That pool is getting smaller and smaller.

Jokab said:

Bro I felt the exact same way after breaking up with my GF. For somewhat the same reasons, that we didn't make each other better. Right after and the following weeks I thought I made the worst mistake of my life, but it gradually got better. Now, over 8 months later, I still miss the good times we had but I don't miss her specifically. It gets better, just hang in there.

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Thanks. I'm keeping my head up and keeping busy.

smisk said:

Damn that's rough, especially with how much she cares about you. Eventually though, I think you'll get in a relationship that'll make you realize how easy it can be with the right person. I used to to think my last girlfriend was about as good as things got and we just had the timing wrong, but the person I'm seeing is just so much better in every way. Glad you were able to realize that things weren't working for you rather than waiting until things became more toxic.

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Things got toxic once and that was my wake up call. That's what pushed me to break it off.

I've never really had an easy relationship and I do hope you're right and that I find one some day. Thanks.

Chrno said:

okay Era.. I've been single for about a year and half and I think it's about time I jump back into the dating scene. My last breakup was amicable and I've just been doing my own thing for a while, so it's not like I've been siting around and moping about.

the OP has a lot of good tips but I figured I'd make this interesting; for those of you who are currently dating, what advice can you give that you've recently picked up?

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Is there anything specifically you're looking to hear or learn more about?

So how does texting work?

Best to not do it every day?

Fine with going a while without texting?

FireSafetyBear said:

So how does texting work?

Best to not do it every day?

Fine with going a while without texting?

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Early stages? Talk long enough to set a date; specific time, location, and activity. Favor weeknight drinks, but sometimes, whatever works, works. Don't set dates far in the future if you can help it. Confirm the day of: "I should get out of work by 5. See you tonight!"

Golden rule? Text when you have something to say, not because you're forcing it. Don't have conversations over text that you can have in person.

Less is more early on.

Also, in nearly all cases, texting doesn't matter (it's likely you'll rehash things you mentioned) and your first date is simply an audition to demonstrate that you're who you said you are — and vice versa — and to gauge chemistry and physical attraction.

Just wanna say Hinge is easily the best of the dating apps at the moment. You're not really punished by algorithms because when you like someone they know automatically. It's also better for a lot of other reason but you better hop on before they start to nerf it.

Addie said:

Early stages? Talk long enough to set a date; specific time, location, and activity. Favor weeknight drinks, but sometimes, whatever works, works. Don't set dates far in the future if you can help it. Confirm the day of: "I should get out of work by 5. See you tonight!"

Golden rule? Text when you have something to say, not because you're forcing it. Don't have conversations over text that you can have in person.

Less is more early on.

Also, in nearly all cases, texting doesn't matter (it's likely you'll rehash things you mentioned) and your first date is simply an audition to demonstrate that you're who you said you are — and vice versa — and to gauge chemistry and physical attraction.

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This is more for after a first date.

She's not much of a texter now, we went a few weeks between our first messages on OKCupid then finally started texting and first weekend got rained out and we saw each other finally on Sunday night. Went out for drinks around 8. Ended up at Bahama Breeze til midnight. Then hungout in her car for a bit and talked. Sealed it with some kissing.

I just wonder, since we had planned for something next week, since she's leaving this week for a trip home for a reunion and I didn't know if I should say "hey" every once in a while or just wait til she's back next week (similar to Taters(sp?) situation.

It's my birthday three days after she's back and she said she'd be interested after she's back and settled in.

I just don't want to overthink it more than I am now lol

Denzar said:

Broke it off with my GF yesterday and need to vent some. I feel horrible even though I was convinced I did the right thing. I was going crazy inside my head and I just couldn't open up to her. In times when she needed my help I blocked her off instead of being there for her. Sex was non existent. I felt like we were dragging each other down, instead of lifting each other up. We were a negative factor in each other's lives. She realized that too. I need to work on myself lots more before I start dating again. I overestimated my mental state, although I've been working on it for over 4 years now.

And yet, she said she could be with me for hundreds of years. She would've put up with all of this. Then she said that she loved me and something inside me cracked. Fucking gut wrenching. She was/is hurting so bad. Despite all the negative shit, we treated each other with respect. Like adults. That was the first time in my life I had a relationship like this. She is the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met. So, right now, I'm kinda empty and lost. I want to believe I made the right call for both of us, but I just can't at the moment.

Either way, thanks for reading. Some people in this thread were absolutely right when I came here for help a couple of months ago.

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Sorry you guys couldn't work it out, things will normalize for you soon enough. Don't let this hold you back searching for someone who it a better match for you. We're here if you need advice or to vent more.

HammerFace said:

From the sound of it things seem to be alright. It's definitely not the most typical situation but overall it sounds like things are going well and like you don't have too much to worry about.

Also I'd say ask her out before she leaves. I don't really have much justification for why, it's just what my gut is telling me I would do in that situation lol

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jdstorm said:

not sure about what's normal. but established relationships usually survive by both parties putting in significant effort.

In general i think its important to remember that even within a relationship an individual shouldn't lose their sense of self or automony. if your relationship is healthy she will have the space to still grow as a person and be within its boundries.

so keep putting in effort. keep asking her to do things, keep making her laugh and just do your best. reach out to someone with a history of a successful established relationship. you guys have been doing this a while and it is going places so it stands to reason that the best advice will come from people who know how to get it to where its going. if that makes sense

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So yeah, I guess there was something to my hunch. Not calling things off entirely, but yeah. I texted her to confirm our date tomorrow, but she's been conflicted for a little while and felt distant. We got to talking and I got it out of her. Her text.

"You mean a lot to me too. And I mean it when I say that you're my very best friend. I don't want to shut you out, or act like nothing happened. I'm just trying really hard to find a way to have enough emotional capital to be in this, for real. I want to want this and only this. But I'm still really broken from what he did and my job demands so much emotional work... I feel like I just keep failing you. Like I'm always coming up short. And the thought that I might hurt you or lose you makes all the stress of this so much worse. It feels like I can't breath sometimes. I'm just so tired. I hope this makes sense bc it's just how I'm feeling."

I tell myself in these cases that when someone says these things, to take it as "not ready to be in a relationship with YOU." Just so I can better move on and face reality. I understand that it would be unhealthy to just wait around and hope she comes back (which btw, I definitely do not think this will be the last time I see her and that we might randomly have sex again in which I case I without be sure how to respond). But part of me believes her because she's been honest and upfront with me a lot of the time. And I expected this to be challenging trying to date sometime with this baggage.

Right now though, I'm gonna try and turn all that love into love for myself. If I'm honest, I knew she was still hurting but I thought it would fade naturally. But that emotional trauma scars some people forever. I still care for her deeply, and I truly believe she feels the same. But part of me kept wondering if it was too soon for her to hop back on that horse.

Not sure how to go from here. But I'm going to fight to keep my head up.

Yay or nay to shorts (above knee) on a weeknight bar date? It's gonna be something like 27C (80F). I brought jeans so I have the option to switch. No matter which I'm wearing a button up shirt

Depends on the kind of bar/atmosphere. Had a self-concious moment (despite knowing quite literally most of the people there) rooftop party on Sunday. Runners/music were hip-hop as was the people there. I was at the beach for a cafe date before so I was dressed in shorts (above the knee slightly) and a white mesh polo. Preppy and cute for a sea side cafe... totally out of place in a hiphop club haha.

Then again I got a pass being 1, the only black person there, and 2, bringing the date to said event.

Strangelove77 said:

If online dating sites are anything to go by, the older I get the harder its going to be to find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't want them.
As a 32 year old I think I'm screwed and getting more screwed as the years go by. That pool is getting smaller and smaller.

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As a 28 year old, it already seems like most girls have kids. Which as someone who isn't intersted in or ready for kids really means I'm sol. At this point I feel I have to just let this slide.

As I've gotten older i guess I've been forced to open my mind. At this point anything is acceptable and I think that sucks.

Online dating has been really defeating. I only match with women I find strange or physically unattractive. But if I want company I'm just going to have to be more open minded.

Rahxephon91 said:

I only match with women I find strange or physically unattractive

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You've got to work on your presentation then. Sell yourself in the best way.

Or just lower your standards to the point not having any? Have any or could any of you dated someone you don't find physically attractive?

I have done something drastic to get over my break up. I fully know it's better the relationship is over for many reasons, the main one that I was super unhappy in the relationship and that we were not right for each other. That's life. But as some have probably seen in this topic I got obsessed, which makes no sense at all. I don't understand myself.

So I got rid of my phone, tablet, laptop and computer. I bought a dumb phone and blocked a lot of websites at work. I can't torture myself anymore now. It feels better already. And honestly even without the break up, I think it might be better for people to not be slaves of the internet anymore.

Rahxephon91 said:

Or just lower your standards to the point not having any? Have any or could any of you dated someone you don't find physically attractive?

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This is very unhealthy.

Strangelove77 said:

If online dating sites are anything to go by, the older I get the harder its going to be to find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't want them.
As a 32 year old I think I'm screwed and getting more screwed as the years go by. That pool is getting smaller and smaller.

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at 28 I see a lot more people not wanting kids vs. having kids/wanting them. Maybe it's the location?

HammerFace said:

Is there anything specifically you're looking to hear or learn more about?

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nah, not particularly. Reading through the comments though it sounds like I should just grow some tough skin and be ready for anything.

i'm really like coffee meets bagel at the moment, although by some quirk of fate/algorithm it mostly only recommends me asian girls. I don't know if I hit a checkbox or something or it's just a weird racist algorithm.

The time limit on responding is quite good at pushing me to try and meet people asap

Jintor said:

i'm really like coffee meets bagel at the moment, although by some quirk of fate/algorithm it mostly only recommends me asian girls. I don't know if I hit a checkbox or something or it's just a weird racist algorithm.

The time limit on responding is quite good at pushing me to try and meet people asap

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Nah it's not a checkbox - I got matched with more Asian women on that app more than other apps.

Strangelove77 said:

If online dating sites are anything to go by, the older I get the harder its going to be to find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't want them.
As a 32 year old I think I'm screwed and getting more screwed as the years go by. That pool is getting smaller and smaller.

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Date younger. I'm a decade older than you and have only ever dated one woman with kids.

Strangelove77 said:

If online dating sites are anything to go by, the older I get the harder its going to be to find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't want them.
As a 32 year old I think I'm screwed and getting more screwed as the years go by. That pool is getting smaller and smaller.

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I am also 32 but i havent had that problem yet. Maybe move to a denser area? My range on dating sites is 25-37 so its pretty big pool and im inundated with options but im not stopping the things i love to do to explore all of them.

I'm 45 and the majority of the the women I've been able to date around my age range do not have kids. Could be the area.

Rahxephon91 said:

Or just lower your standards to the point not having any? Have any or could any of you dated someone you don't find physically attractive?

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You're talking extremes here. You should never have to lower your standards to the point of dating people you aren't attracted to. The only time you really need to lower your standards is if you have unrealistic expectations, like you only want to date supermodels which I'm assuming you're not. Wanting to date someone you're attracted to who doesn't have kids is not unrealistic or unreasonable.

smisk said:

Been in a relationship for five months and lately my feelings just haven't been the same towards her. Things were great for the first four months, and I really felt more in love than I have with anyone else. She's truly an amazing person/partner and I can't really think of anything else I'd ask for in a girlfriend. I realize that things inevitably cool off over the early phases or a relationship, I think I'm just missing that intense connection we had at the beginning. It used to be that every time I'd see her I'd feel excited. But today she's coming over and part of me wishes I could just watch a movie alone. It might partly be that we're spending more time together lately, on Sat we hadn't seen each other in a few days and I missed her and was super excited to see her. But after spending Sat night and all of Sunday together I just don't feel as into it now.
I worry I'm starting to take the relationship for granted or something. I don't want to throw the relationship away over something that might be temporary, but I think she deserves someone who is fully enthusiastic about things. I know all new things lose their shine at some point, but I've only been in one other relationship so I'm not sure how normal this is.. Any advice?

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It's pretty normal. That super intense limerance-feeling doesn't last forever, and long relationships are built from loving one another even after the feeling of being "in-love" goes. It sounds like you guys are seeing each other a lot, in which case it makes perfect sense that sometimes you'd prefer to be alone. If you were seeing each other 1-2 times a week, you'd probably feel more excited (as you said, after not seeing her a few days you really wanted to see her again).

Here's the mental exercise I do: if sex were off the table, would you still plan things with her? Would you be close friends with her in a world where you had never dated?

Ralemont said:

Here's the mental exercise I do: if sex were off the table, would you still plan things with her? Would you be close friends with her in a world where you had never dated?

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Thanks, this is actually really helpful! In this case definitely yes, we were actually hanging out just as friends for about a month before we hooked up. Probably not so much with my ex though lol.

Jintor said:

i'm really like coffee meets bagel at the moment, although by some quirk of fate/algorithm it mostly only recommends me asian girls. I don't know if I hit a checkbox or something or it's just a weird racist algorithm.

The time limit on responding is quite good at pushing me to try and meet people asap

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It was started by three Asian women and seems to be the go to choice for Asian women.

smisk said:

Thanks, this is actually really helpful! In this case definitely yes, we were actually hanging out just as friends for about a month before we hooked up. Probably not so much with my ex though lol.

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Then I'd say: if you're still attracted to her and like the sex, if she's a good partner to you, and if you still just really enjoy hanging with her, then don't be alarmed when the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy fades. Part of being serious with someone and seeing them a lot is that sometimes you're just going to get sick of them and need space. And part of knowing you've found a good partner is if they understand that and don't mind it.

I have a sex question that I don't fancy starting a thread about, hope it's ok to go in here.

So my current girlfriend, who I've been with for about 6 months on and off (5 months on, then I moved abroad for a year and we broke up but stayed in touch, then we got back together as soon as I moved back) hasn't had an orgasm the whole time we've been together (I mean when we're together, she can reach it by herself during solo time). This isn't down to lack of trying on my part, I'll go down on her until my jaw aches, mix things up, stimulate her clitoris during sex, everything I can think of. I brought it up with her after it was obvious the first few times that she hadn't gotten there and she said she does just have a hard time reaching orgasm, but I shouldn't worry about it and she does really enjoy the sex.

So that was that for a while, but I do feel bad that she never gets off, and I feel myself sometimes putting less effort in since I know she won't get there either way - I do fight those feelings but am slightly concerned about them long term, will I still be trying in a year or two? My last girlfriend also struggled to get there during sex, but I was persistent and could give her an orgasm pretty reliably, it just took a while.

So I'm just wondering if anyone else has this kind of problem? And what might be a good course of action? I brought it up again recently and she still says just not to worry about it, but obviously I want to make sure she's getting as much out of it as I am! Any advice is appreciated.

Flabber said:

I have a sex question that I don't fancy starting a thread about, hope it's ok to go in here.

So my current girlfriend, who I've been with for about 6 months on and off (5 months on, then I moved abroad for a year and we broke up but stayed in touch, then we got back together as soon as I moved back) hasn't had an orgasm the whole time we've been together (I mean when we're together, she can reach it by herself during solo time). This isn't down to lack of trying on my part, I'll go down on her until my jaw aches, mix things up, stimulate her clitoris during sex, everything I can think of. I brought it up with her after it was obvious the first few times that she hadn't gotten there and she said she does just have a hard time reaching orgasm, but I shouldn't worry about it and she does really enjoy the sex.

So that was that for a while, but I do feel bad that she never gets off, and I feel myself sometimes putting less effort in since I know she won't get there either way - I do fight those feelings but am slightly concerned about them long term, will I still be trying in a year or two? My last girlfriend also struggled to get there during sex, but I was persistent and could give her an orgasm pretty reliably, it just took a while.

So I'm just wondering if anyone else has this kind of problem? And what might be a good course of action? I brought it up again recently and she still says just not to worry about it, but obviously I want to make sure she's getting as much out of it as I am! Any advice is appreciated.

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So between me and my girlfriend, I'm actually the one who can't get an orgasm. But I do enjoy having sex with her even if I don't get off so I would believe your girlfriend when she says that. Sometimes people tend to think of sex as goal orientated. Like you have to get off at the end or it's not enjoyable but I enjoy every aspect of it even if I can't reach an orgasm. A lot of the time I just reach a point where I'm satisfied and don't need to cum. So you shouldn't feel discouraged just because you don't get her there.

It's possible with your girlfriend that she's used to masturbating a certain way that is different from your two having sex or she has some sort of mental block preventing her from reaching an orgasm. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. I think you need to talk with her about what she likes and how she gets herself off and how you can do that.

Another thing me and my girlfriend do sometimes if I don't cum is to stop having sex and just mutually masturbate together. We also use toys sometimes.

Girlfriend just broke up with me. She was my first relationship and we were together for one year and a half. I feel horrible, like I took a brick to the face. Didn't see it coming and I'm all tears.

I want to get better and get over it eventually but I need some time to realize what just happened. I thought our relationship was serious and I could totally see myself with her for the rest of my life.

Birdseye said:

Girlfriend just broke up with me. She was my first relationship and we were together for one year and a half. I feel horrible, like I took a brick to the face. Didn't see it coming and I'm all tears.

I want to get better and get over it eventually but I need some time to realize what just happened. I thought our relationship was serious and I could totally see myself with her for the rest of my life.

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Seeing a break up coming is bad enough, not seeing it coming is the worst! I'm sorry man.
Deal with it as best you can, but try not to dwell on her, like don't look at any pics, don't browse her social media, etc. It'll take while to get over her, maybe longer than a year, but the less you think about her and the less you expose yourself to her, the less long it'll take. Don't date again right away either, but don't wait too long either - try not to close yourself off. And good luck!

Spinluck said:

So yeah, I guess there was something to my hunch. Not calling things off entirely, but yeah. I texted her to confirm our date tomorrow, but she's been conflicted for a little while and felt distant. We got to talking and I got it out of her. Her text.

"You mean a lot to me too. And I mean it when I say that you're my very best friend. I don't want to shut you out, or act like nothing happened. I'm just trying really hard to find a way to have enough emotional capital to be in this, for real. I want to want this and only this. But I'm still really broken from what he did and my job demands so much emotional work... I feel like I just keep failing you. Like I'm always coming up short. And the thought that I might hurt you or lose you makes all the stress of this so much worse. It feels like I can't breath sometimes. I'm just so tired. I hope this makes sense bc it's just how I'm feeling."

I tell myself in these cases that when someone says these things, to take it as "not ready to be in a relationship with YOU." Just so I can better move on and face reality. I understand that it would be unhealthy to just wait around and hope she comes back (which btw, I definitely do not think this will be the last time I see her and that we might randomly have sex again in which I case I without be sure how to respond). But part of me believes her because she's been honest and upfront with me a lot of the time. And I expected this to be challenging trying to date sometime with this baggage.

Right now though, I'm gonna try and turn all that love into love for myself. If I'm honest, I knew she was still hurting but I thought it would fade naturally. But that emotional trauma scars some people forever. I still care for her deeply, and I truly believe she feels the same. But part of me kept wondering if it was too soon for her to hop back on that horse.

Not sure how to go from here. But I'm going to fight to keep my head up.

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that text was definitely not saying "I'm not ready" it was saying I've been hurt and i need someone who is willing to help with some emotional rehab.

things you should say in this situation. although it doesn't have to be in this order

that you are best friends. that she won't lose you, that she can't fail you. that you want the best for her and you think its you. that you will support her in any way you can because her happiness is whats important to you. ect.

she doesn't need time. she seems to somehow hold some guilt towards her own actions from her past breakup and needs to rebuild her confidence in what she is like in a relationship.

just reassure her that she isn't a/the problem

edit: PS those scars aren't forever. they are just fresh and you guys have a 10 year long relationship of your own. So essentially she sees this as Deja Vu and she's terrified of you leaving her and breaking her heart just as badly as her former fiance.

It will be challenging at first but you have a great foundation. this isn't a normal dating situation but its 100% worth following through

DIdn't think I'd see my ass in this thread again, but I need to vent.

I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. We weren't that serious early on but in that time, we went several dates, bonded a lot on the phone, and ended up sharing a lot about each other everyday. Came to a point where we did discuss about trying to make it a serious thing after she came back from a trip. She was up for it and we had a few things planned ahead too. She even bought me a few things too while she was away.

Well she came back.

And offered to give the stuff through a friend of hers instead of meeting.

And then proceeded to inexplicably ghost and block me on all contacts.

And then the friend slips that she's apparently planning to see someone else.

MMarston said:

DIdn't think I'd see my ass in this thread again, but I need to vent.

I was seeing this girl for a couple of months. We weren't that serious early on but in that time, we went several dates, bonded a lot on the phone, and ended up sharing a lot about each other everyday. Came to a point where we did discuss about trying to make it a serious thing after she came back from a trip. She was up for it and we had a few things planned ahead too. She even bought me a few things too while she was away.

Well she came back.

And offered to give the stuff through a friend of hers instead of meeting.

And then proceeded to inexplicably ghost and block me on all contacts.

And then the friend slips that she's apparently planning to see someone else.

Spoiler

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Sorry to hear that but that's all too common when you lose momentum in the early days of dating. Those breaks are potential relationship killers, so you need to prepare for the worst.

Been dating this lady who is absolutely incredible. After 9 years of marriage and plenty of time to think things over, I went back into dating, and though the start was incredibly rocky, it all led me to her and I am honestly way happier than the majority of my marriage from before, so all is well. :)

Alwayscrazybacon said:

Sorry to hear that but that's all too common when you lose momentum in the early days of dating. Those breaks are potential relationship killers, so you need to prepare for the worst.

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I'm totally understanding if she thinks it wasn't working because there were signs that it wasn't panning out as I'd hoped. But after all that time we spent together and how much I opened myself to her, I don't get why she had to do what she did.

She didn't just ghost me; she made the extra effort to shut out all avenues of possible contact whatsoever without saying a damn thing and make that known.

It really makes me feel worthless and embarrassed.

MMarston said:

I'm totally understanding if she thinks it wasn't working because there were signs that it wasn't panning out as I'd hoped. But after all that time we spent together and how much I opened myself to her, I don't get why she had to do what she did.

She didn't just ghost me; she made the extra effort to shut out all avenues of possible contact whatsoever without saying a damn thing and make that known.

It really makes me feel worthless and embarrassed.

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She's just avoiding that conversation and maybe there's a reason she was so preemptively thorough with the blocking. Anyway, that's on her not you, no point in trying to work out the whys of ghosting it's a part of modern dating now. Gather yourself together and when your in the right frame of mind get back out there and find someone else.

ShadowKingpin said:

Been dating this lady who is absolutely incredible. After 9 years of marriage and plenty of time to think things over, I went back into dating, and though the start was incredibly rocky, it all led me to her and I am honestly way happier than the majority of my marriage from before, so all is well. :)

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Glad it all worked out for you. Seems you were somebodys catch after all.

Girl I've been dating is going away for two months. We're not frequent texters. Any advise on this? Feeling like it's too long as I was feeling good about this.

We

ShadowKingpin said:

Been dating this lady who is absolutely incredible. After 9 years of marriage and plenty of time to think things over, I went back into dating, and though the start was incredibly rocky, it all led me to her and I am honestly way happier than the majority of my marriage from before, so all is well. :)

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Well done, you deserved it!

For you Tinder guys looking for something casual

My favorite opener "Apparently tinder thinks we find each other hot"

To turn a convo sexual via text ask her what she looks for in a guy, she most likely will say good heart, funny, respectful etc. Respond with "I'm a simple guy I like someone interested in traveling, funny and maybe a nice butt (interchangeable, use a feature you can tell she proud of) lol" if she responds back and talks about that third thing, you probably in. Get her WhatsApp or IG. Proceed with the pics.

If you want to recieve nudes. Start off with a normal picture of yourself, then wait for her to send one in return. For the next pic exchange, send one of you doing an activity, watching TV, anything really, but show a bit of skin such as abs, legs, whatever, just nothing overly sexual. If she mentions the skin on the pic in a good way and doesn't mention the activity you doing. You in boy, just don't go immediately overboard and send a throbbing cock pic lol. Also in this scenario I'm assuming you already made some head way in your texts

Congrats on the nudes/future sex.

Not sure if we have a thread about casual hookups and not sure the demand so I just posted here. If anyone is interested in other tips on this let me know. Doesn't matter the setting, bar, club, mall or via text. I've got some experiences to share and have been fortunate enough to live in various major cities to have fun :)