Hell naw. The face-to-face is far more valuable (imo) than some words on a screen. The anticipation between dates, etc. is exciting. The other person wonders about you, misses you and all that.
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Hell naw. The face-to-face is far more valuable (imo) than some words on a screen. The anticipation between dates, etc. is exciting. The other person wonders about you, misses you and all that.
I think I love powderkegs and minefields way too much for my own good.
I need a bit of advice on post-dating shit.
So I've alluded to it a page or so back, I was getting close to someone who suffers from Anxiety. It kind of grew from me taking care of her, and listening to her issues whenever she needed to step out after something had triggered her fears.
I guess that worked for a while, and I really had no romantic intentions or thoughts about her, besides her being pretty attractive. Eventually she pulled us on an emotional level by telling me to cut out my flirting unless I actually mean it, and we kind of went from there.
Given that I had little to no experience on handling people with Anxiety, let's just say the romantic level opened an entirely different can of worms, and any and all romantic advances of any sort started to be triggers for her anxiety and made her feel pressured.
Long story short, after a few weeks of back and forth, eventually I started to feel like we'd only be really spending time together if there's a problem I needed to help fix, which had gradually also become harder, because she started seeing anything that wasn't 100% on her side as me being against her, resulting in arguments, instead of the usual dynamic we used to have. It turned so bad, that she'll take things I say, spin them around, and turns them into a completely different thing that makes it look like I'm attacking her.
She also seems to be obsessed with my ex, who I only brought up very sparingly when talking about past experiences, shit like "Maybe she wasn't so bad" has already been dropped.
Long story short, we had an argument about the aforementioned issue with me feeling like I'm only a security blanket and not much more, which I blubbered out at an especially bad time. It devolved into namecalling, completely misunderstanding what I feel for her, and misconstruing everything into me lying to her about my feelings - with all bridges burned from her side.
This would be a cut and dry "okay wow, both of you fucked up, move on" kind of deal, but we're both in a team-environment, where I'm forced to be around her without much of a choice to the contrary. I've already considered leaving, but that's not going to work out, because I'm actually in a power position, and have been in it for five years. There's also the option of her leaving, but I neither want that, nor would ever enforce it, why should I, when it's about two people not getting along properly?
I'm currently taking a break from the environment, to work on my own feelings, because, to be honest, I was hurt rather badly by all this shit going down, especially the misconceptions and misconstrued issues. It helps me get my own shit together, and actually think about what I'm going to have to say to get this back in check.
Friends tell me, the chance that she'll initiate contact is still there, but now, three days later, I really, really doubt that's going to happen.
WTF do I do from here, other than slapping myself in the head for getting into this situation to begin with?
I need a bit of advice on post-dating shit.
So I've alluded to it a page or so back, I was getting close to someone who suffers from Anxiety. It kind of grew from me taking care of her, and listening to her issues whenever she needed to step out after something had triggered her fears.
I guess that worked for a while, and I really had no romantic intentions or thoughts about her, besides her being pretty attractive. Eventually she pulled us on an emotional level by telling me to cut out my flirting unless I actually mean it, and we kind of went from there.
Given that I had little to no experience on handling people with Anxiety, let's just say the romantic level opened an entirely different can of worms, and any and all romantic advances of any sort started to be triggers for her anxiety and made her feel pressured.
Long story short, after a few weeks of back and forth, eventually I started to feel like we'd only be really spending time together if there's a problem I needed to help fix, which had gradually also become harder, because she started seeing anything that wasn't 100% on her side as me being against her, resulting in arguments, instead of the usual dynamic we used to have. It turned so bad, that she'll take things I say, spin them around, and turns them into a completely different thing that makes it look like I'm attacking her.
She also seems to be obsessed with my ex, who I only brought up very sparingly when talking about past experiences, shit like "Maybe she wasn't so bad" has already been dropped.
Long story short, we had an argument about the aforementioned issue with me feeling like I'm only a security blanket and not much more, which I blubbered out at an especially bad time. It devolved into namecalling, completely misunderstanding what I feel for her, and misconstruing everything into me lying to her about my feelings - with all bridges burned from her side.
This would be a cut and dry "okay wow, both of you fucked up, move on" kind of deal, but we're both in a team-environment, where I'm forced to be around her without much of a choice to the contrary. I've already considered leaving, but that's not going to work out, because I'm actually in a power position, and have been in it for five years. There's also the option of her leaving, but I neither want that, nor would ever enforce it, why should I, when it's about two people not getting along properly?
I'm currently taking a break from the environment, to work on my own feelings, because, to be honest, I was hurt rather badly by all this shit going down, especially the misconceptions and misconstrued issues. It helps me get my own shit together, and actually think about what I'm going to have to say to get this back in check.
Friends tell me, the chance that she'll initiate contact is still there, but now, three days later, I really, really doubt that's going to happen.
WTF do I do from here, other than slapping myself in the head for getting into this situation to begin with?
Honestly, that sounds like more than just anxiety. All I'm reading are red flags, maybe even some hints of personality disorder traits
This is why we recommend against workplace romance generally unless if you're absolutely sure you can handle the fallout after it breaks down.
So neither of you can leave for another job. If you're having to be around her at work, you both should agree to just focus on work and not have any general chit chat. You don't want your work affected by this mess, she probably doesn't either, so you might have to negotiate for a deal so you two can avoid each other. If she is pushing boundaries and not letting you focus on work, then either she should work in a different space or get HR involved so you can report if she ever tries to harass. You're not a therapist, you don't have to be fixing her or be a security blanket so it's good you're aware of how she was using you. Cut her off from all contact, block phone numbers, social media, etc if you haven't already.
Yeah, I should have known the fuck better. At this point I'm pretty sure her feelings only existed because there was a willing "caretaker" to project them on. I should have realized that, even made a joke early on about it, but she assured she was genuine.
I have until Monday to figure out a proper workaround. Especially one that won't erupt into another argument.
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I've had so much trouble not getting ghosted lately after moving back to Nova. My ghost rate is like 95% so I think I must be doing something wrong.
I think I'm asking the wrong questions or talking about myself too much. Should I give concise answers when talking for most messages? Most women I've dated like that I talk alot, but is that a turn off generally?
I think I'm asking the wrong questions or talking about myself too much. Should I give concise answers when talking for most messages? Most women I've dated like that I talk alot, but is that a turn off generally?
Are you getting ghosted after dates or do they stop replying to messages? You're on the right track to question how you are perceived and what you could do better anyway.
Hrm, girl I was chatting with while i went away on vacation abruptly ghosted midway through. Warm one day, cold two days later, gone after that. Get back home and nothing.
And Bumble just refuses to even let me log in on my phone, while my OKCupid profile is having caching problems that won't let me update my pics.
Universe is telling me to give up here.
And Bumble just refuses to even let me log in on my phone, while my OKCupid profile is having caching problems that won't let me update my pics.
Universe is telling me to give up here.
I get ghosted when first messaging on dating apps. I may get a reply or two but then it goes nowhere. I try and move to text messaging after getting to know someone but I rarely get that chance. I'm talking with three women via text message at the moment, but it's very iffy if we'll actually meet.
I'm supposed to go out with two of the women this weekend, but our conversations have sort of dried up.
I've also noticed how impatient I've been while dating unemployed as I have so much time on my hands. I think it's affected how I communicate to women, like i come off as intense or insincere to them.
My friends just tell me to take online dating less seriously, but I'm a pretty uptight person.
The universe isn't telling you anything.
You couldn't meet up with someone, so that fizzled out. That's expected.
As far as your phone issues, that's a tech issue that you could resolve but apparently don't want to.
Aye, just venting. It's frustrating because I took a number of pictures with an eye towards having profile pics both current and engaging and I did get some really good ones, but now OKC won't let me update on the desktop app, just on mobile, and Bumble flat refuses to sync with facebook to let me log in at all. Reinstalled multiple times to no avail.
Time to try Tinder, I guess.
Don't try to invest too much before meeting someone, keep it short and show that you have an active life rather than obsessing about messages throughout the day. While you're unemployed, occupy your time with activities that you enjoy or go out of your comfort zone. Cinema, museums, concerts, whatever as long as you're spending more time with something else than staring at your phone.
Thats where the after-date-depression comes in. The anticipation is one of the best feelings, which will quickly disappear after an unsuccessful date. It's like a roller coaster of emotions. And I hate roller coasters.
So I think I've gone out a couple times with this 19 year old girl. I don't know how I feel about that since I'm 26. That's pretty young. But so far it's been pretty good. She's really cute and fun, and we've made out on both dates which lasted a lot longer than we planned. I guess I'll keep seeing how this unfolds. I was really wary of dating someone younger than me after how immature my ex was (who was 4 years younger) but now this girl is even younger so who knows lol.
So I'm really bad at reading women when it comes to flirting and the like, so please go easy on me if I sound like I am being an idiot. I recently got out of a long term relationship, 7 years long, about a month ago and a woman that I have been friends with for years has been wanting to see me more and more. Texting me to see how I've been doing and the like, but the last two weekends she's been asking me out to the movies and wanting to split the costs. She'd text me like I really want to see you tonight or I really want to see this movie with you. She dresses really nice and is very giggly all night and will tell me how much she enjoyed herself and always texts me when she gets home safely, goodnight, and can't wait to see you again, etc. She's also recently been getting into my hobbies and wanting us to do them together, where recently she showed no interest in them. I do plan to include her in my hobbies. I'm personally conflicted as part of me feels she just feels sorry for her friend and is trying to get me to forget my ex, but another part thinks she's always liked me and now that I'm single again she's now trying to date me. I personally am thinking of just going with the flow and see where it leads and not rush things just in case it is just a close friend being nice.
My take is that folks don't change their hobbies just to be nice. Going out of their way to find ways to spend time with you should be message enough here.
My partner and I are on a break (probably going to be permanent) so I logged back onto OKC and god damn all the cuties are gone.
She likes you. Especially if she's saying things like "I really want to see you tonight".
I knew my partner was the one when she would do things out of her comfort zone and set up dates every week just to spend time with me even if she's usually a homebody.
They got snapped up in the springtime rush. You'll need to keep checking.
Not really a dating question but close to it.
I was texting a friend of mine and she mentioned a girl friend of hers, B. I asked her how B was because we all went to college together and were in the same class but didn't really talk.
She asks if I want B's number, I said no, few weeks later the same topic comes up and at first I say no then I tell my friend if B really wants to talk to me, then give her my number and have her text me.
B texts me, we're talking for a bit. I'm not taking it seriously, until one day B asks me why I asked our mutual friend for her number, she thought it was weird but texted me to be polite.
I'm thinking to myself wait a minute, I never asked for her number and the only reason we're talking is because her friend kept on asking me if I wanted it. So I assumed that B wanted her to give me B's number.
Turns out that wasn't the case, apparently my friend just texted her my number with no explanation whatsoever. I told B my side of the story and how I never asked for her number in the first place and she said I was being rude and blocked me.
Did the three of us just get our wires crossed?
I was texting a friend of mine and she mentioned a girl friend of hers, B. I asked her how B was because we all went to college together and were in the same class but didn't really talk.
She asks if I want B's number, I said no, few weeks later the same topic comes up and at first I say no then I tell my friend if B really wants to talk to me, then give her my number and have her text me.
B texts me, we're talking for a bit. I'm not taking it seriously, until one day B asks me why I asked our mutual friend for her number, she thought it was weird but texted me to be polite.
I'm thinking to myself wait a minute, I never asked for her number and the only reason we're talking is because her friend kept on asking me if I wanted it. So I assumed that B wanted her to give me B's number.
Turns out that wasn't the case, apparently my friend just texted her my number with no explanation whatsoever. I told B my side of the story and how I never asked for her number in the first place and she said I was being rude and blocked me.
Did the three of us just get our wires crossed?
So this online dating stuff... any of you guys ever find yourself punching above your weight class?
I'm talking to this 11/10 girl with a 'fake it til' you make it' attitude and I have no idea how long I can keep it up.
Like, she's so ridiculously hot that the main reason I want to ask her out is to see if she's real. Tbh I have no idea why she liked me.
I'm talking to this 11/10 girl with a 'fake it til' you make it' attitude and I have no idea how long I can keep it up.
Like, she's so ridiculously hot that the main reason I want to ask her out is to see if she's real. Tbh I have no idea why she liked me.
Yup, and I married her. The thing is that she might not think she is as attractive as you think she is. Treat her the same as anyone else. As you are doing "fake it till you make it".
At that age her life will change a lot still. That can affect the relationship. But if it works it works.
Just don't put her on a pedestal. Talk to her like she's a human being. She might not think that she's a "11/10". Dont excessively compliment her. Ask her out and see where it goes, but don't emotionally invest too much.
Yeah that's what I'm concerned about. She's got all of college ahead of her while I graduate with my master's in a month. We're at very different points in our lives. I guess we'll see.
So I started talking to a girl on OkCupid after she messages me out the blue. We get to talking, great conversation that first night. Day 2, she asks if I can talk during the day while I'm working. Good signs, but she never actually does reach out. Great, a night of sleep and I'm already ghosted. Day 3, I get a simple "hello" text in the morning. Cool, she's interested. Try to initiate a convo and again, I get the shortest, lifeless responses possible.
She's giving me signs she wants to talk, but seems completely uninterested at the same time. I don't get it. Would being upfront and asking if she's still interested interested/going on a date be the best course here?
She's giving me signs she wants to talk, but seems completely uninterested at the same time. I don't get it. Would being upfront and asking if she's still interested interested/going on a date be the best course here?
You aren't "ghosted" if you never meet up in the first place.
Just ask her out and quit texting. Should've planned it when you were having that great conversation the first night.
Yeah I figured as much. Well, time to shoot and probably miss.
Always ask them out when the conversation is at a high point. Don't be afraid to cut a convo short. It's better than letting things fade and then wondering if it's ok to ask them out now.
Which dating apps are actually good and worth forking over the money for. I had match for awhile but I'm scared to reach out to any girl that didn't show interest first. I've had a hell of a ride with the last 3 girlfriends and I'm kinda just stuck in my life right now. I make a little bit of money each month and feel like no good girl will want to be with me cause I i dont know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
But I really miss companionship =/
But I really miss companionship =/
I don't usually frequent this thread, but I just had to post something to get it off my chest.
Basically, I had a whirlwind romance with this one girl for about two months. There were lots of alarm bells -- huge age gap, things like that -- but decided to see for myself. We ended up enjoying our time together, had lots of amazing sex, and genuinely cared for each other.
But she doesn't want a relationship, and I do. And she wants to meet other guys and enjoy her summer. And she canceled a lot of our recent plans, straight-up ignored me last night after asking me questions to plan the evening, and can't fathom why I'm upset at her ignoring me -- basically, it was along the lines of "we aren't in a relationship, why are you mad?" which isn't the point.
I still care and respect her, but we're obviously at different pages. I get the feeling she still does want to work things out, but I don't know if I should give it another chance...
Basically, I had a whirlwind romance with this one girl for about two months. There were lots of alarm bells -- huge age gap, things like that -- but decided to see for myself. We ended up enjoying our time together, had lots of amazing sex, and genuinely cared for each other.
But she doesn't want a relationship, and I do. And she wants to meet other guys and enjoy her summer. And she canceled a lot of our recent plans, straight-up ignored me last night after asking me questions to plan the evening, and can't fathom why I'm upset at her ignoring me -- basically, it was along the lines of "we aren't in a relationship, why are you mad?" which isn't the point.
I still care and respect her, but we're obviously at different pages. I get the feeling she still does want to work things out, but I don't know if I should give it another chance...
It doesn't appear that you're in a position to even make such a decision.
Her idea of "working things out" is not having anything serious with you. Start dating around and accept that, despite the off-chance that something more serious might eventually develop, your whirlwind romance is over.
Thanks, for the replies. I'll probably just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm seeing her for lunch tomorrow and I may test the waters, so to speak.
Yeah, I should rephrase that: she texted me again, with a tone that was obviously mindful of why I was upset the other day.
You are right though: despite her having "boyfriend" feelings for me over the past few weeks, she doesn't want anything serious. They're simply "feelings" according to her. Not that I want anything serious either; just exclusivity as a chance to concentrate on each other and get to know each other before actually getting serious.
It's just rough being reduced to a side note all of a sudden.
I usually just lurk on ERA, but could use some advice.
For some background, I'm 30 years old and have never been involved in a relationship. Sad, I know. I've been friends with a girl at work (I know, work relationships aren't the best) for a couple years; over the past year or so our friendship has really strengthened. During that time I've also developed strong feelings for her.
Several times I have considered letting her know how I feel, but I haven't mustered the courage to do it. I'm afraid of rejection and also scared that our friendship could be ruined if she doesn't feel the same way. I know she sees me as a close friend, but not sure if it goes further than that.
I get mixed signals - I've told her that I love her a few times (often before she begins a long drive for vacation, for example), and she responds with "I love you too". We occasionally go out to lunch together (twice this week - I invited her one day, she invited me two days later). Yet some days she doesn't seem interested in even talking. It doesn't help that I'm bad at reading people.
If I choose to express my feelings, what would be the best way to go about it?
For some background, I'm 30 years old and have never been involved in a relationship. Sad, I know. I've been friends with a girl at work (I know, work relationships aren't the best) for a couple years; over the past year or so our friendship has really strengthened. During that time I've also developed strong feelings for her.
Several times I have considered letting her know how I feel, but I haven't mustered the courage to do it. I'm afraid of rejection and also scared that our friendship could be ruined if she doesn't feel the same way. I know she sees me as a close friend, but not sure if it goes further than that.
I get mixed signals - I've told her that I love her a few times (often before she begins a long drive for vacation, for example), and she responds with "I love you too". We occasionally go out to lunch together (twice this week - I invited her one day, she invited me two days later). Yet some days she doesn't seem interested in even talking. It doesn't help that I'm bad at reading people.
If I choose to express my feelings, what would be the best way to go about it?
I'm not saying to completely drop her. And honestly, I've seen this play out before too -- the more you tighten your grip, etc. You know how this one goes. You had two months of intense feelings, and perhaps neither of you have had the opportunity to emotionally breathe. Summer's that chance for her; it's also your chance. And while I'm absolutely not going to suggest anything toxic (or toxic adjacent), there's some value in demonstrating yourself as a desirable partner. It's easier to do that when you're dating around -- or, conversely, when you're focusing on a hobby or craft or spending time with friends.
In other words: not fixated on her.
If you don't want to date around, that's absolutely your choice (just as it's hers to attempt it). But it's incumbent upon you to fill your time productively. You can be in a dozen possible, viable situations, but the only one you can't be in is waiting by your phone for her to text you after her date with someone else.
100% agreed on all of these points. The problem is... that's exactly what's happening right now. I'm being shuffled to being last on the list, after she's been out with someone else. Or have my dates reshuffled because wants to be out with another guy. I mean, I don't mind if it's a friend, but when she says things like 'there's another guy that I want to meet tomorrow too' while she's reluctant to nail plans with me, I can see the writing on the wall, especially when this is a complete reversal of frequent "when will I see you next" and "I can't wait to see you next" messages from earlier on.
Right now, she just texted me again about where she is currently... and I have a feeling she doesn't fully understand why I was upset with her. It's not that I wanted to know her exact location/time/date or whatever, but that she straight up ignored me for hours while making plans with me or asking where I was.
I'm not going to ruin her evening, so I'm going to set plans to talk to her later this week. Her behavior is sabotaging my self-esteem and self-worth, so it's no longer worth it for me.
I am. She's on the younger half of her twenties while I'm on the younger half of my thirties.
edit: I mean, yeah that should've been a huuuuuuuuge red flag going in and it's not my first time I've been in a disastrous relationship with someone significantly younger -- my true, long term "Ex" with a capital E from years ago had a 7-year age gap. I should've known better and yet I still stepped into this situation.
Yup, at that age they do that. You're all the hotness right up until you just get dropped. I've been in the same situation but somehow I knew that was a thing in advance so I set my expectations accordingly had some fun and sure enough got dropped right out of the blue after a few weeks. Happened twice. Sounds exactly like what's happening to you and I'd suggest just backing off because she definitely does not need to be dealing with a needy older guy.
Hah. Yeah...
I can tell you the exact date she stopped dropping all the dirty emojis too.
Possible weird question coming up. I tend to dismiss girls quite rapidly based on what they have to say. Oftentimes, I'm physically attracted to a certain woman, I get the opportunity to talk to her and then everything just kinda hits a wall... Dead stop.
This weekend one of my best friends tried to motivate me to go and talk to his GF's BF. Apparently she's attracted to me. Now, she is really cute and recently single. She starts talking to me (yay) and not even 5 sentences into the conversation I didn't know how to reply. She started off by asking me how work was, etc... You know, small talk. She wanted to make conversation, which is really cool, but I just couldn't interact nor come up with a decent reply. I'm terrible at small talk. I kind of resent it, it's usually forced, hollow and uninteresting. I'm aware it can be a great conversation starter too, though.
How can I level with the small talk?
This weekend one of my best friends tried to motivate me to go and talk to his GF's BF. Apparently she's attracted to me. Now, she is really cute and recently single. She starts talking to me (yay) and not even 5 sentences into the conversation I didn't know how to reply. She started off by asking me how work was, etc... You know, small talk. She wanted to make conversation, which is really cool, but I just couldn't interact nor come up with a decent reply. I'm terrible at small talk. I kind of resent it, it's usually forced, hollow and uninteresting. I'm aware it can be a great conversation starter too, though.
How can I level with the small talk?
All those starting conversations are the same, so I kept a note on my phone of the common questions and answers to cut and paste to save time until the conversation got interesting or we'd moved on to arrange the date. Ideally you want to be moving to setup the date quickly not get to know them over texts because she'll be talking with other men and one of those guys will ask her first.
I'm talking face to face here.
Small talk in text/chat is fine. You can reply whenver you want and they can't see how clueless you look when replying.
Well, you've got to practice on people you don't want to date, get them to do most of the talking by lining up questions about whatever they have just said. Colleagues, family or friends will do.