yas queen
This thread is to serve as a unified thread for all discussions of the approximately twelve million people running for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2020. I will try to keep the first post updated with short dossiers on every apparent candidate assuming I don't die of old age trying to finish listing them. Suggestions and submissions are encouraged. I will literally add anybody you send me to the list if you can make a good argument for it. I'm making the best effort I can to be neutral and mock each candidate equally, but if you don't find the jokes I wrote about your preferred candidate funny, feel free to submit alternatives and I will explain what I don't like about them.
IMPORTANT DATES
January 2019: The Democratic Party announces requirements for debate participation
June 2019: Forums and debates officially begin
February 3rd, 2020: Iowa caucus
February 11th, 2020: New Hampshire primary
February 22, 2020: Nevada caucus
February 29th, 2020: South Carolina primary
March 3rd, 2020: Super Tuesday
THE CANDIDATES
(alphabetically)
JOE BIDEN
Also Known As: Diamond Joe
Currently: Unemployed
Accomplishments: Thirty-odd years as Senator from Delaware, including Foreign Relations and Judicial experience. Ran for president twice and lost badly both times. Eight years as Barack Obama's vice president. Memes.
Policy Focus: Strongly opposes Brexit. Stop the privatization of the NHS. No, wait, sorry, those are Neil Kinnock's policies.
Website: https://bidenfoundation.org/
Strengths: Everybody knows who he is. Elaborate satire about his wild vice-presidential life distracts from the reality of his boring and inconsequential vice-presidential life.
Weaknesses: Remembers the old days when men were men and Democrats were also men.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
JULIÁN CASTRO
Also Known As: Joaquin Castro
Currently: Unemployed, former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Accomplishments: Won the mayorship of San Antonio 50% of the times he ran for it.
Policy Focus: Since his political offices have all been citywide, presumably something like "San Antonio is great."
Strengths: Extremely popular with the constituency of former Democratic candidates for President. Beat his twin brother into the world by one minute and thus won the right to run for president before him.
Weaknesses: Managed to actually get criticized for violating the Hatch Act. Hasn't actually run for or won any federal or statewide office, something that is often a good idea before running for president.
Primary Status: Has formed an exploratory committee and has an upcoming announcement of...something on January 12th, 2019.
JOHN DELANEY
Also Known As: No, Not The Guy Who Had That TV Show, Delaney. With a D.
Currently: Unemployed, after not running for reelection to the House from Maryland's 6th district
Accomplishments: Successfully won a district that was explicitly gerrymandered to be winnable for him, then introduced legislation to end partisan gerrymandering. You have to admire the chutzpah.
Policy Focus: I genuinely have no idea.
Strengths: Founded multiple banks.
Weaknesses: Early contender for the Lincoln Chafee Memorial Award for the Candidate Whose Run for President is Least Explicable. This in an election cycle which also contains Julian Castro!
Primary Status: Has filed FEC papers and officially announced his candidacy for president.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND
Also Known As: Hillary From An Alternate Timeline Where She Did Fewer Crimes
Currently: Senator from New York
Accomplishments: Tacked right to win a conservative House district in New York, then way left after she was appointed Senator to replace Hillary. Successfully pushed for the repeal of DADT and the passage of the 9/11 Compensation Act, and wrote part of the STOCK Act.
Policy Focus: What's cool now? I support that. Back when I didn't support that it was because I was stupid.
Website: https://kirstengillibrand.com/
Strengths: Terrifyingly adept at identifying the maximally left position she can safely take and taking it while other senators are still declining comment. With her comments that Bill should've resigned, killed all her MeToo darlings already.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. Lots of Democrats are still mad at her for suggesting a sexual harasser should resign. Wait, what?
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
KAMALA HARRIS
Also Known As: Yas Attorney General
Currently: Senator from California
Accomplishments: Attorney General of California for six years before successfully running to replace Barbara Boxer. Yelled at a bunch of dummies in her official senate capacity.
Policy Focus: Trump is bad.
Website: https://kamalaharris.org/
Strengths: Reminds people of Barack Obama for some reason. No, YOU'RE racist.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. "I was only following orders" maybe not the best defense for her actions as CA Attorney General.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running. Said she would decide over the recent holidays whether to run.
JAY INSLEE
Also Known As: The Governor in the North
Currently: Governor of Washington
Accomplishments: Served eight terms in the House before becoming governor. Supported the Green New Deal back in 2002 when it was called the New Apollo Project. Introduced legislation to impeach Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for doing Trump stuff before it was cool.
Policy Focus: Technology is good. Climate change must be stopped. Trump is bad.
Website: https://www.jayinslee.com/home
Strengths: Has literally been staunchly progressive for longer than many forumgoers have been alive. Right about everything if only people had listened to him before it was too late.
Weaknesses: If he's so great, why is the Hanford Nuclear Reservation still there?
Primary Status: Has begun forming an exploratory committee to run for president.
BETO O'ROURKE
Also Known As: Senator Calf Cramper
Currently: Texas Senator runner-up
Accomplishments: I just said he was the Texas Senator runner-up. But seriously, given that he ran in Texas he kept it very close, raised a lot of money and helped a lot of other candidates over the finish line.
Policy Focus: Basically the mainstream Democratic Party platform. Not the parts about oil.
Website: https://betofortexas.com/
Strengths: Through some superhuman act of will manages to livestream constantly without yelling racial slurs. Feist was a big fan of his band. Obama has anointed his head with holy oil, crowning him the true king of the Democratic Party, according to sources familiar with the holy oil.
Weaknesses: Texas Senator runner-up.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
BERNIE SANDERS
Also Known As: The Curb Your Enthusiasm Guy
Currently: Independent Senator from Vermont
Accomplishments: Longest-serving Independent in Congressional history. Second place in the 2016 Democratic presidential primary. Moved the party significantly leftwards on many issues. Marched with Martin Luther King Jr.
Policy Focus: Socialism is good. Break up the big banks.
Website: https://berniesanders.com/
Strengths: Is a socialist. Can control birds with his mind. As the second best candidate in 2016, arguably the logical establishment choice.
Weaknesses: Not actually a Democrat. Not actually not a Democrat. Martin Luther King Jr. turns out to have been dead for some time.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
ELIZABETH WARREN
Also Known As: The Persister
Currently: Senator from Massachusetts
Accomplishments: Chaired the Congressional Oversight Panel for managing TARP. Yelled at banks a lot. Successfully led an advocacy campaign for the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, then, when Republicans blocked her from being appointed to it, ran for office instead and won.
Policy Focus: Financial regulation. Consumer protection.
Website: https://elizabethwarren.com
Strengths: Actually gets a lot done. Willing to just call people bad guys when they, for instance, melt down the global economy with a massive mortgage fraud conspiracy.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. Has the proportionate strength, speed, and Native American ancestry of a white person.
Primary status: Has formed a presidential exploratory committee.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Sorry, your heart does not support the clarifying power of pure love, which is necessary to view this content. Please consult your vendor for a firmware update.
ANDREW YANG
Also Known As: Democratic Mitt Romney
Currently: Rich
Accomplishments: Founded Venture For America, which is like AmeriCorps but for startups. Has a bunch of honorariums from Obama for being one of the good ones. No, I mean one of the good rich people.
Policy Focus: Universal Basic Income. Human capitalism, whatever that means.
Website: https://www.yang2020.com/
Strengths: Politically inexperienced billionaires are in this year. Doesn't want to coerce workers with starvation.
Weaknesses: Partly that's because he already got rich coercing workers with starvation, so you wonder about his commitment.
Primary status: Has officially declared his intention to run for president.
ELIMINATED CANDIDATES
Michael Avenatti
Deval Patrick
Martin O'Malley
RICHARD OJEDA
(Also Known As: The Most Liberal Man in West Virginia
Currently: West Virginia State Senator from the 7th district
Accomplishments: Took a lot of credit for the teacher's strike in West Virginia. Didn't lose by nearly as much as Democrats usually lose by in West Virginia when he ran for the House.
Policy Focus: What if Democrats were more like Republicans?
Website: https://voteojeda.com/
Strengths: Popular with the military due to being shaped approximately like a bullet.
Weaknesses: Voted for Donald Trump in 2016. I mean, cmon.
Primary Status: Has filed FEC papers and officially begun his candidacy for president.)
Information
Any new information will be threadmarked, so check the small bar at the top of each page, under threadmarks, if you want to easily keep track of any and all major developments in the primary.
This thread is to serve as a unified thread for all discussions of the approximately twelve million people running for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2020. I will try to keep the first post updated with short dossiers on every apparent candidate assuming I don't die of old age trying to finish listing them. Suggestions and submissions are encouraged. I will literally add anybody you send me to the list if you can make a good argument for it. I'm making the best effort I can to be neutral and mock each candidate equally, but if you don't find the jokes I wrote about your preferred candidate funny, feel free to submit alternatives and I will explain what I don't like about them.
IMPORTANT DATES
January 2019: The Democratic Party announces requirements for debate participation
June 2019: Forums and debates officially begin
February 3rd, 2020: Iowa caucus
February 11th, 2020: New Hampshire primary
February 22, 2020: Nevada caucus
February 29th, 2020: South Carolina primary
March 3rd, 2020: Super Tuesday
THE CANDIDATES
(alphabetically)
JOE BIDEN
Also Known As: Diamond Joe
Currently: Unemployed
Accomplishments: Thirty-odd years as Senator from Delaware, including Foreign Relations and Judicial experience. Ran for president twice and lost badly both times. Eight years as Barack Obama's vice president. Memes.
Policy Focus: Strongly opposes Brexit. Stop the privatization of the NHS. No, wait, sorry, those are Neil Kinnock's policies.
Website: https://bidenfoundation.org/
Strengths: Everybody knows who he is. Elaborate satire about his wild vice-presidential life distracts from the reality of his boring and inconsequential vice-presidential life.
Weaknesses: Remembers the old days when men were men and Democrats were also men.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
JULIÁN CASTRO
Also Known As: Joaquin Castro
Currently: Unemployed, former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Accomplishments: Won the mayorship of San Antonio 50% of the times he ran for it.
Policy Focus: Since his political offices have all been citywide, presumably something like "San Antonio is great."
Strengths: Extremely popular with the constituency of former Democratic candidates for President. Beat his twin brother into the world by one minute and thus won the right to run for president before him.
Weaknesses: Managed to actually get criticized for violating the Hatch Act. Hasn't actually run for or won any federal or statewide office, something that is often a good idea before running for president.
Primary Status: Has formed an exploratory committee and has an upcoming announcement of...something on January 12th, 2019.
JOHN DELANEY
Also Known As: No, Not The Guy Who Had That TV Show, Delaney. With a D.
Currently: Unemployed, after not running for reelection to the House from Maryland's 6th district
Accomplishments: Successfully won a district that was explicitly gerrymandered to be winnable for him, then introduced legislation to end partisan gerrymandering. You have to admire the chutzpah.
Policy Focus: I genuinely have no idea.
Strengths: Founded multiple banks.
Weaknesses: Early contender for the Lincoln Chafee Memorial Award for the Candidate Whose Run for President is Least Explicable. This in an election cycle which also contains Julian Castro!
Primary Status: Has filed FEC papers and officially announced his candidacy for president.
KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND
Also Known As: Hillary From An Alternate Timeline Where She Did Fewer Crimes
Currently: Senator from New York
Accomplishments: Tacked right to win a conservative House district in New York, then way left after she was appointed Senator to replace Hillary. Successfully pushed for the repeal of DADT and the passage of the 9/11 Compensation Act, and wrote part of the STOCK Act.
Policy Focus: What's cool now? I support that. Back when I didn't support that it was because I was stupid.
Website: https://kirstengillibrand.com/
Strengths: Terrifyingly adept at identifying the maximally left position she can safely take and taking it while other senators are still declining comment. With her comments that Bill should've resigned, killed all her MeToo darlings already.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. Lots of Democrats are still mad at her for suggesting a sexual harasser should resign. Wait, what?
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
KAMALA HARRIS
Also Known As: Yas Attorney General
Currently: Senator from California
Accomplishments: Attorney General of California for six years before successfully running to replace Barbara Boxer. Yelled at a bunch of dummies in her official senate capacity.
Policy Focus: Trump is bad.
Website: https://kamalaharris.org/
Strengths: Reminds people of Barack Obama for some reason. No, YOU'RE racist.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. "I was only following orders" maybe not the best defense for her actions as CA Attorney General.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running. Said she would decide over the recent holidays whether to run.
JAY INSLEE
Also Known As: The Governor in the North
Currently: Governor of Washington
Accomplishments: Served eight terms in the House before becoming governor. Supported the Green New Deal back in 2002 when it was called the New Apollo Project. Introduced legislation to impeach Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for doing Trump stuff before it was cool.
Policy Focus: Technology is good. Climate change must be stopped. Trump is bad.
Website: https://www.jayinslee.com/home
Strengths: Has literally been staunchly progressive for longer than many forumgoers have been alive. Right about everything if only people had listened to him before it was too late.
Weaknesses: If he's so great, why is the Hanford Nuclear Reservation still there?
Primary Status: Has begun forming an exploratory committee to run for president.
BETO O'ROURKE
Also Known As: Senator Calf Cramper
Currently: Texas Senator runner-up
Accomplishments: I just said he was the Texas Senator runner-up. But seriously, given that he ran in Texas he kept it very close, raised a lot of money and helped a lot of other candidates over the finish line.
Policy Focus: Basically the mainstream Democratic Party platform. Not the parts about oil.
Website: https://betofortexas.com/
Strengths: Through some superhuman act of will manages to livestream constantly without yelling racial slurs. Feist was a big fan of his band. Obama has anointed his head with holy oil, crowning him the true king of the Democratic Party, according to sources familiar with the holy oil.
Weaknesses: Texas Senator runner-up.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
BERNIE SANDERS
Also Known As: The Curb Your Enthusiasm Guy
Currently: Independent Senator from Vermont
Accomplishments: Longest-serving Independent in Congressional history. Second place in the 2016 Democratic presidential primary. Moved the party significantly leftwards on many issues. Marched with Martin Luther King Jr.
Policy Focus: Socialism is good. Break up the big banks.
Website: https://berniesanders.com/
Strengths: Is a socialist. Can control birds with his mind. As the second best candidate in 2016, arguably the logical establishment choice.
Weaknesses: Not actually a Democrat. Not actually not a Democrat. Martin Luther King Jr. turns out to have been dead for some time.
Primary Status: Unofficially considering running.
ELIZABETH WARREN
Also Known As: The Persister
Currently: Senator from Massachusetts
Accomplishments: Chaired the Congressional Oversight Panel for managing TARP. Yelled at banks a lot. Successfully led an advocacy campaign for the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, then, when Republicans blocked her from being appointed to it, ran for office instead and won.
Policy Focus: Financial regulation. Consumer protection.
Website: https://elizabethwarren.com
Strengths: Actually gets a lot done. Willing to just call people bad guys when they, for instance, melt down the global economy with a massive mortgage fraud conspiracy.
Weaknesses: America is ready for a woman president, but maybe not this particular woman. Has the proportionate strength, speed, and Native American ancestry of a white person.
Primary status: Has formed a presidential exploratory committee.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Sorry, your heart does not support the clarifying power of pure love, which is necessary to view this content. Please consult your vendor for a firmware update.
ANDREW YANG
Also Known As: Democratic Mitt Romney
Currently: Rich
Accomplishments: Founded Venture For America, which is like AmeriCorps but for startups. Has a bunch of honorariums from Obama for being one of the good ones. No, I mean one of the good rich people.
Policy Focus: Universal Basic Income. Human capitalism, whatever that means.
Website: https://www.yang2020.com/
Strengths: Politically inexperienced billionaires are in this year. Doesn't want to coerce workers with starvation.
Weaknesses: Partly that's because he already got rich coercing workers with starvation, so you wonder about his commitment.
Primary status: Has officially declared his intention to run for president.
ELIMINATED CANDIDATES
Deval Patrick
Martin O'Malley
Currently: West Virginia State Senator from the 7th district
Accomplishments: Took a lot of credit for the teacher's strike in West Virginia. Didn't lose by nearly as much as Democrats usually lose by in West Virginia when he ran for the House.
Policy Focus: What if Democrats were more like Republicans?
Website: https://voteojeda.com/
Strengths: Popular with the military due to being shaped approximately like a bullet.
Weaknesses: Voted for Donald Trump in 2016. I mean, cmon.
Primary Status: Has filed FEC papers and officially begun his candidacy for president.)
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