Am I being a horrible person?

[BackLogJoe]

I have not had contact with my biological mothers side of my family for years. They are nasty people. Trump supporters. When I was young my father left my mom because she was a drug addict and my mom and grandmother lied to a judge about my father and both accused him of molesting me which did not happen. However, due to this, my mother was awarded full custody of me.
I grew up with a physically and mentally abusive drug addict. Constant pleas to my grandmother was just turned away with a “god works in mysterious ways” or “God doesn’t give us a challenge we can’t overcome.”
I ran away from home when I was 15, and found my biological father who helped me become emancipated. I haven’t looked back.
Anyway, my family is trying to reach out to me because my grandmother is dying. Her dying wish is to see me again. I laughed and said no, please don’t contact me. I feel like she’s either still trying to manipulate me or she feels the need to seek forgiveness which if you wait until you’re at death’s door, you don’t deserve it.
My family is pissed, though. They are trying to keep contacting me through my father and they are basically telling him how horrible I am for denying a dying person their request.
I don’t want to see her. It’s a traumatic thought to even put myself through that. The whole things conjures bad memories that I have tried to forget.
Am I a bad person for refusing?
The laughing on my end was from the sheer audacity of acting like I owe them anything. I hate her but wouldn’t laugh at her death.

 

[Landy828]

No, screw them.

Do what's best for you. Sounds like they treated you horribly for most of your early life.

It's great if you forgive them, but you don't ever have to coddle them or go back to them.

Don't do anything you don't want to.

 

[DrewFu]

Only you can answer if it's the right move or not, but from what you described, it seems that you are handling it pretty reasonably.

With that said, your family is still your family - if a dying family member wanted to see me again before they passed, I don't know that I could deny that.

 

[InRainbows]

You're not being a terrible person. At all. Nobody here went through what you went through.

If she is seeking genuine forgiveness im one to accept it even if you don't really accept it. But that is just me.

Nobody here can say you are being in the wrong. I would just add that terrible awful people do have feelings somewhere in there. Whether or not you want to engage in any contact with people who are nasty is up to you. I mean their actions do read really fucking harsh. I cut ties with a handful of family members due to their actions.

Only you can come up with what is the right decision. Either way you should have absolutely no guilt here.

No, screw them.

Do what's best for you. Sounds like they treated you horribly for most of your early life.

It's great if you forgive them, but you don't ever have to coddle them or go back to them.

Don't do anything you don't want to.

Click to shrink...

Yeah. This is mostly how I feel. None of us can gauge any pain you went through. Do what you think is right.

 

[Chivalry]

No. You don't owe anyone anything.

 

[Snowybreak]

Oh definitely not man.

 

[fadedbones]

You don't owe them this.

 

[Fantastapotamus]

You're not a terrible person, no.
You decide what's best for you.

Think about whether you want to do this or not, but just based on how you feel not on how others try to make you feel about this.
If you decide to go there for your own sake, fine.
If you decide you don't want to go through this, that's also fine.

 

[krazen]

Self-care man, self care.
If you feel it will give YOU some comfort and closure then yeah.
If it's just to make other people happy and to look good to them, people who abused you to the point you ran away and never looked back? Nah bruh

 

[GungHo]

You don't have to experience trauma to satisfy someone else's wish to hear "I forgive you" (particularly if it's a lie). I tried that game once and I am not a better person for it.

 

[Verelios]

No, you don't owe them shit so don't feel bad about it.

 

[kiaaa]

I wouldn't, but my sentimentality runs pretty short for people like that, even family members.

 

[Dan Thunder]

Nope, and if their only reason to get in touch is for her not you then screw them.

 

[TaySan]

Only you can answer this, but from what you are telling me your Grandmother was a horrible person for knowingly leaving you with your abusive drug addict mother. I wouldn't have visited screw her.

I think you handled this very well and happy you are with your father again.

 

[John Kowalski]

I don't know but i'm sure i'd do the same.

 

[Pirate Bae]

You don't owe them shit. Go because you want to, not because your family is bullying you into going.

 

[Rytheran]

They turned a blind eye to you being abused, so I think your reaction was perfectly fine. And what they're doing, trying to harass you and tell you how awful of a person you are, doesn't speak very well for them either.

 

[excelsiorlef]

Hell no you're not.

 

[Deleted member 1120]

No. You don't want to go through trauma which you feel that would bring.

 

[Koo]

Like you said; she should have tried before she was dying if she was sincere. Just tell someone to tell her the lord works in mysterious ways and leave it at that.

 

[Kyuuji]

No. Not to any degree.

 

[Leo]

Maybe go for yourself? Like, to have some kind of closure. Maybe she will have nice words for you, and if she doesn't, you did your part and can be at peace knowing that you did what you could.

Just think carefully if you won't regret not going in the future. Do what feels right for you, not out of social obligations.

 

[Illenium]

No. You don't owe anyone anything.

Click to shrink...

^ this.

 

[Umbrella Carp]

Lol no, they're clearly horrible people. There are people in my family that I don't talk to because they're terrible. I'm sure everyone does.

 

[DrewFu]

Maybe go for yourself? Like, to have some kind of closure. Maybe she will have nice words for you, and if she doesn't, you did your part and can be at peace knowing that you did what you could.

Just think carefully if you won't regret not going in the future. Do what feels right for you, not out of social obligations.

Click to shrink...

This. Ask yourself, 20 years from now, will you possibly look back and wish you knew what she wanted to tell you? Will you possibly feel bad for not granting a dying relative their request?

Only you can answer what is right for you, but I'd make sure you give it good though.

 

[ChrisD]

I don’t think so, but at the same time I know I personally wouldn’t be able to get the thought out of my head that I didn’t go. If your mind doesn’t work like that, that’s great. If it does, only you can decide on whether or not to fulfill their request. Regardless of what happens, you’re not a terrible person, and either choice you make is okay.

 

[Aurica]

They sound atrocious. She doesn't deserve to see you, and it just sounds painful for you. I'm really close to my whole family, but if I put myself in your shoes, I'd not visit.

 

[El_Mau]

Nop, you are not.

 

[Tetrinski]

You are not being a bad person, but life is long and you might wish you’d gone to see her. It doesn’t mean you reopen your heart to them, you might just find answers, closure or a confirmation they are not good for you. If you don’t need that, it’s still up to you.

You can also just write and say “fuck your god, he made you lose a grandchild”.

 

[Red Liquorice]

If it was me, I would 100% without a doubt do what you are doing now as explained in your OP.

 

[honkycat]

Only you can answer if it's the right move or not, but from what you described, it seems that you are handling it pretty reasonably.

With that said, your family is still your family - if a dying family member wanted to see me again before they passed, I don't know that I could deny that.

Click to shrink...

And we found the person who was never horribly abused by their family! That's the thread everybody, thanks for playing! Maybe you shouldn't chime in on issues you don't understand.

Now, from a person who WAS abused by their family: Don't go back. Do not give them another chance, they don't deserve it. It is NOT your fault, hold those people responsible for their actions.

People don't change, and this is going to be used as an excuse to try and pressure you into coming back. If you go back, they are just going to abuse you again and it will tilt you off your current path.

Maybe say you'll go only if it is only you and your grandmother, and nobody else.

 

[Link]

Going by your story, this sounds like typical deathbed penance because she thinks it will get her into heaven. Any apology you get will likely be insincere. I wouldn’t bother giving her the satisfaction, considering she’d likely just be using you for her own ends.

 

[ArkhamFantasy]

You're argument sounds pretty reasonable to me, she waits until she's dying to want to see you? Nah man.

 

[TheKeipatzy]

Fuck em...

As others have said this is a way to get penance or to feel better. as I told my mother who is still telling me to forgive people who have hurt and abused me: "forgiveness is between you and God because I will not forget..."

 

[DrewFu]

And we found the person who was never horribly abused by their family! That's the thread everybody, thanks for playing! Maybe you shouldn't chime in on issues you don't understand.

Now, from a person who WAS abused by their family: Don't go back. Do not give them another chance, they don't deserve it. It is NOT your fault, hold those people responsible for their actions.

People don't change, and this is going to be used as an excuse to try and pressure you into coming back. If you go back, they are just going to abuse you again and it will tilt you off your current path.

Maybe say you'll go only if it is only you and your grandmother, and nobody else.

Click to shrink...

What the fuck is this post? I said only he can know what is right. I didn't say he should do anything. Cut the fucking random hostility.

 

[h1nch]

Sounds like your mom's side of the family is a cancer and you did the right thing by purging them from your life. Good for you for taking control and prioritizing your own health.

 

[JigglesBunny]

You never owe others a piece of yourself.

 

[honkycat]

With that said, your family is still your family - if a dying family member wanted to see me again before they passed, I don't know that I could deny that.

Click to shrink...

What the fuck is this post? I said only he can know what is right. I didn't say he should do anything. Cut the fucking random hostility.

Click to shrink...

Really? Because this looks like a guilt trip to me.

 

[Mahonay]

You don’t owe them anything.

 

[DrewFu]

Really? Because this looks like a guilt trip to me.

Click to shrink...

I can't tell if you're being serious or not. Nor why you're singling my post out. I said I'm not sure if I could deny the request. I never said he should do anything other than make he thinks about what is right for him. Seriously, get over yourself, and stop randomly trying to pick a fight.

You are right, though - I, thankfully, have not been abused.

 

[Crimsonskies]

Reading your story I say fuck em they made your life a living hell.

 

[Doop]

absolutely not, OP

 

[Tezz]

Fuck all that. You're not horrible and you don't owe them anything.

 

[Travo]

Not a bad person at all. Do what you have to do to avoid that mental anguish.

 

[Psychoward]

No

 

[MrNewVegas]

Sounds like you’re doing the good route.

You could be an absolute dick and go visit her just to spew vitriolic hate at her and make her feel like absolute trash.

 

[limerobot]

I have not had contact with my biological mothers side of my family for years. They are nasty people. Trump supporters. When I was young my father left my mom because she was a drug addict and my mom and grandmother lied to a judge about my father and both accused him of molesting me which did not happen. However, due to this, my mother was awarded full custody of me.
I grew up with a physically and mentally abusive drug addict. Constant pleas to my grandmother was just turned away with a “god works in mysterious ways” or “God doesn’t give us a challenge we can’t overcome.”
I ran away from home when I was 15, and found my biological father who helped me become emancipated. I haven’t looked back.
Anyway, my family is trying to reach out to me because my grandmother is dying. Her dying wish is to see me again. I laughed and said no, please don’t contact me. I feel like she’s either still trying to manipulate me or she feels the need to seek forgiveness which if you wait until you’re at death’s door, you don’t deserve it.
My family is pissed, though. They are trying to keep contacting me through my father and they are basically telling him how horrible I am for denying a dying person their request.
I don’t want to see her. It’s a traumatic thought to even put myself through that. The whole things conjures bad memories that I have tried to forget.
Am I a bad person for refusing?
The laughing on my end was from the sheer audacity of acting like I owe them anything. I hate her but wouldn’t laugh at her death.

Click to shrink...

its fine not to see her, after what they did.

move on

 

[Praetorpwj]

Absolutely not. However, speaking as someone with a bit of the same experience, eventually it will hurt you.

 

[Bad Advice]

this sounds more like it's about her than about you. fuck her if you don't want to meet her.

 

[MrCibb]

No, you're not. They had your entire life to earn your trust and not have you see them with such disdain, and they failed. They have to live with that. So fuck 'em, you don't owe them anything.