Am I being paranoid? Or unreasonable?

[echoshifting]

Hey guys. Need a paranoia check.

I don't want to go into details but last fall my wife had an affair. She didn't hide it from me which in a way made the whole thing worse.

In December I asked her to stop seeing him. She agreed but begged me to permit them to stay friends. I agreed because we were going through some really hard times related to my chronic pain issues, and he knew what it was like to have a spouse with chronic health issues. But I never intended to put up with that situation forever.

In March, things were starting to get better and I wanted us to try having a fresh start. So did she. But as a part of this, I asked her to stop talking to this guy. The whole thing made me so uncomfortable. She wasn't happy about it but I was ready to walk out if she kept talking to him, so she agreed.

Now, here is the possible paranoia part. A few days ago I had to use her phone while we were in the car together. The very next day, she changed all of the names of all of her contacts to fake names. I didn't think anything of this until today, when she was out of the house for a long time and I got to wondering if she might still be talking to him. One thought led to another and now I am wondering if this is why she changed all the names on her phone. What do you think era? Am I being too paranoid?

Bonus follow-up question, is it unreasonable of me to ask her to stop talking to this guy?

Edit: clarification. My wife came to me to ask if she could do this and I told her it was okay because of what we were going through at the time.

 

[lunarworks]

First thing, when your partner cheats on you with someone, them asking to stay friends with that person afterwards is a BIG FUCKING NO.

 

[Deleted member 8001]

1. That's shady as hell for her to change to fakenames so yeah I def get why you're concerned especially since she cheated on you.
2. It's not unreasonable at all. If someone cheated on me I wouldn't want them hanging out with the person who cheated if we're gonna somehow make it work.

 

[GalvoAg]

No it’s not unreasonable

 

[BeeDog]

She asks you if she can remain friends with the GUY SHE WAS CHEATING WITH? Jesus, what's wrong with you, dump her ass immediately. Whether or not you're "paranoid" isn't even important in this context.

 

[Himynameischris]

bruh

 

[-JD-]

Uh your wife already had the affair so anything new regarding this that causes you to worry I don't think is you just being overly paranoid. And what she's doing now is definitely suspect.

 

[echoshifting]

She asks you if she can remain friends with the GUY SHE WAS CHEATING WITH? Jesus, what's wrong with you, dump her ass immediately. Whether or not you're "paranoid" isn't even important in this context.

Click to shrink...

It is actually important to me. She came to me to ask if she could do this and because of what we were going through at the time I said it was okay.

But if she is lying to me now, yeah it is a big deal.

 

[Ravensmash]

Not being unreasonable at all.

Her changing the names in her phone to fake names is a red flag.

I think you need to talk with her.

 

[KillLaCam]

Nah that's definitely weird. I can't Imagine anyone changing the names in their phone for no reason.

But you were being too nice by allowing them to stay friends. That's the last thing you wanna do.

 

[RecRoulette]

She was having an affair, and didn't really care if you knew or not. THEN asked you if they could keep seeing each other as friends?

Get the hell out of there.

 

[Taurus Silver]

She cheated and wanted to stay friends with the guy? You are a better man than me. I'd consult a divorce attorney.

 

[BeeDog]

It is actually important to me. She came to me to ask if she could do this and because of what we were going through at the time I said it was okay.

But if she is lying to me now, yeah it is a big deal.

Click to shrink...

Now I understand a bit better, because the backstory didn't come through in your original post. I mean, even if this was initially an agreement between both of you, it's unfortunately not out of the question that she might still be attracted to a man she's been intimate with. So your suspicions are warranted, from my perspective.

 

[lunarworks]

It is actually important to me. She came to me to ask if she could do this and because of what we were going through at the time I said it was okay.

But if she is lying to me now, yeah it is a big deal.

Click to shrink...

If she cheated on you with this person already, the temptation is always going to be there. When your partner wants to regain your trust, that's the first red line that has to be drawn.

 

[FunkyMonkey]

 

[GalvoAg]

She cheated and wanted to stay friends with the guy? You are a better than me. I'd consult a divorce attorney.

Click to shrink...

For real, nobody is worth it for that. And changing names in her phone tells you she’s up to some shit.

 

[Smurf]

to answer your questions, not it's no unreasonable what you're asking and yes that's bit shady on her.

On a separate note, I'm sorry OP, feels like this relationship has run its course even tho you were really trying to keep it together.

 

[Masagiwa]

My man I don't know how to put this but you are second priority if she still wants to be friends with the guy. I hope there are no kids in the middle of shit like this.

 

[HeySeuss]

She's almost certainly still cheating on you with him and has been probably the entire time. I'm sorry man but you need to cut the cord. Your mental health will improve dramatically once you realize what you already know.

 

[Deleted member 19066]

y'all need some serious fucking counseling, op

 

[thebigword]

She's still cheating and you need to let her go so you can move on.

 

[echoshifting]

My man I don't know how to put this but you are second priority if she still wants to be friends with the guy. I hope there are no kids in the middle of shit like this.

Click to shrink...

We have a 12 year old daughter. She is reason #1 I am trying to keep this together. We've been together for almost twenty years.

 

[Drain You]

So many red flags her. Ignoring everything else why would a spouse ever change the names in their phone to fake names unless In order to hide something?

 

[Aftermath]

It’s obvious She’s been seeing him nonstop since Dec sorry man :(

No doubt others too, hence the fake names, there is no paranoia here dude

You’ll see the signs of a continuous cheater, she may put all the blame on you before long if she hasn’t already and make you believe it’s your fault, thats what cheaters do that and get angry at you probably.

 

[Cocolina]

Dude you need to separate

 

[Heromanz]

You she still cheating on you right?

 

[ReginaldXIV]

Just to clear some things up for myself:

She openly cheated on you with another guy whom was sympathetic to what you were going through but they both continued the affair openly in front of you? You both want a fresh start, but she wants to be friends with the dude whom she had an affair with and you don't, then she changed the names to her contacts?

You're overly passive in this relationship and she's taking advantage of that. Have you guys had counseling from all this?

 

[RolandOfGilead]

It is actually important to me. She came to me to ask if she could do this and because of what we were going through at the time I said it was okay.

But if she is lying to me now, yeah it is a big deal.

Click to shrink...

So you gave your consent for your wife to start something up with this other guy.

Then you became uncomfortable about it and asked her to stop fucking him?

Now you're concerned they are still in touch?

 

[echoshifting]

Just to clear some things up for myself:

She openly cheated on you with another guy whom was sympathetic to what you were going through but they both continued the affair openly in front of you? You both want a fresh start, but she wants to be friends with the dude whom she had an affair with and you don't, then she changed the names to her contacts?

You're overly passive in this relationship and she's taking advantage of that. Have you guys had counseling from all this?

Click to shrink...

We have a counselor but she is awful. We were actually getting ready to switch.

 

[echoshifting]

Just to clear some things up for myself:

She openly cheated on you with another guy whom was sympathetic to what you were going through but they both continued the affair openly in front of you? You both want a fresh start, but she wants to be friends with the dude whom she had an affair with and you don't, then she changed the names to her contacts?

You're overly passive in this relationship and she's taking advantage of that. Have you guys had counseling from all this?

Click to shrink...

So you gave your consent for your wife to start something up with this other guy.

Then you became uncomfortable about it and asked her to stop fucking him?

Now you're concerned they are still in touch?

Click to shrink...

Yep that's all correct.

 

[Juke Joint Jezebel]

All signs point to her doing the dirty on you still. Cheating partners almost always prey upon second chances and exploit the shit out of forgiveness. First mistake you did was giving personal consent to allowing her to converse with the dude afterwards. People like that read that as a sign of weakness and "being soft". Experienced this so many times in my circle of friends (and ex-friends).

 

[aGuyInaBearSuit]

Hate to break it to ya but this sounds like a really bad situation and that she's prioritizing her own desires over your relationship and that right there probably says everything that needs to be said

 

[ReginaldXIV]

We have a 12 year old daughter. She is reason #1 I am trying to keep this together. We've been together for almost twenty years.

Click to shrink...

Just saw this, a toxic relationship is worse for a kid than a divorce. My parents are still together, but they've had back and forth toxicity for many years of my life, and it's hurt a lot of past relationships.

 

[Fantastapotamus]

First thing, when your partner cheats on you with someone, them asking to stay friends with that person afterwards is a BIG FUCKING NO.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, this times like a billion.

 

[deftones r cool]

Leave your wife, OP. The damage is already done.

 

[echoshifting]

Hate to break it to ya but this sounds like a really bad situation and that she's prioritizing her own desires over your relationship and that right there probably says everything that needs to be said

Click to shrink...

I fear you are correct

 

[Walter White Walker]

Not at all unreasonable.
Nobody just changes their contacts to fake names without wanting to hide something. I think you know what's up.

 

[Heromanz]

We have a 12 year old daughter. She is reason #1 I am trying to keep this together. We've been together for almost twenty years.

Click to shrink...

Are you happy? Sometimes you got to let it go man. And doing every what yall doing is going to be worse than divorce daughter

 

[Ogami Itto]

I feel bad for the daughter but you need to end this.

 

[Thrill_house]

She's still cheating and you need to let her go so you can move on.

Click to shrink...

Bingo. No one goes through their phone and randomly changes contact names. Time to bounce my friend.

 

[fontguy]

I know a lot of people who turned out fine despite growing up with divorced parents.

I know far fewer who turned out fine growing up with parents in acrimony.

 

[John Kowalski]

Think to yourself, do you think you'll ever not think this? From what i'm reading, you don't seem the sort to.

Honestly the problem is not whether she's doing it or not, or whether your paranoia is justified. What you want back, implicit trust and comfort, seems to be gone and irretrievable.

 

[Z-Beat]

Yep that's all correct.

Click to shrink...

Like everyone else pointed out, these are all glaring red flags, OP. Right now I'm thinking that you're afraid of being alone and that's why you allow this to continue, not that you actually don't see the issue here.

Work out your confidence problems and divorce her, not specifically in that order.

 

[Aztechnology]

I'm sorry dude but people don't move onto to cheating with someone else, and what's more ask to remain friends with them if they don't kind of already know things are over, unless you were in an open relationship. I'm so sorry, that really sucks.

 

[Linkura]

As someone who has dealt with this with my mother cheating on my father similarly: She is 1000% still cheating on you. Get a better counselor if you want to save this. But be prepared to hit the divorce button. It's possible it might not be salvageable.

 

[echoshifting]

I'm sorry dude but people don't move onto to cheating with someone else if they don't kind of already know things are over, unless your we're in an open relationship. I'm so sorry, that really sucks.

Click to shrink...

This is actually what she was proposing, opening the relationship. To me, it was an affair because I was never on board with any of it and she wouldn't accept any ground rules.

 

[Ryaaan14]

Good lord that’s a mess

 

[Alligatorjandro]

Bro

 

[Aztechnology]

This is actually what she was proposing, opening the relationship. To me, it was an affair because I was never on board with any of it and she wouldn't accept any ground rules.

Click to shrink...

Is the only thing holding you two together your kid? I don't think it's healthy to try to have a non existent relationship with someone who's seeing other people and assumably living under the same roof. Even if it's fine overall, neither of you will be able to properly pursue new relationships with people in that circumstance.

 

[Cation]

You seem like a person who will actually heed advice

Go talk to a lawyer before you say anything to her. Hear what he has to say