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AsexualERA |OT| Have Our Cake And Eat It
- Thread starter purseowner
- Start date
I ended up finding one of these... stores in the mall today during my lunch break. I went in and bought two rings. One was labeled hematite and the other wasn't labeled with anything but it seems dark enough to be onyx. Not entirely sure though. I've been wearing for the rest of my shift and liking them, I might start making it a habit. :)
This is good to know. When I first heard speculation that he was an ace person (is this correct/preferred terminology?) I was wondering if they would do it right. Probably the one thing I knew for certain about aces is that representation in media is basically non-existent, and representation definitely matters.
He quite literally says:
I'm NOT GAY! At least, I don't think I am... but... I don't think I'm straight either.
I don't know what I am... I think I might be... nothing.
I don't know what I am... I think I might be... nothing.
OP
OP
Sorry I haven't been active in my own damn thread or answered any of the questions targeted at me.
Kind of overwhelmed frankly by the response to this thread - you guys are great.
I'll get to work updating the banner - awesome work!
Kind of overwhelmed frankly by the response to this thread - you guys are great.
I'll get to work updating the banner - awesome work!
You are always welcome to if you change your mind; it's always nice to see more aces, or at least, people wanting to know about us. Even that can help.
Of course! Just keep an open mind (and don't be a jerk, as with anywhere else) and you're quite welcome here. Feel free to ask any questions or whatever you may have, if you have any questions.
I haven't really told anyone other than people I'm interested in dating. Well, and my psychologist.
It's not that I'm trying to keep things a secret or anything, just not something I really feel the need to discuss apart from that.
When I was younger, I would mainly get a bunch of people who didn't take it seriously / thought I was joking / figured they could get me to "change my mind."
And then when they found out I was serious and they couldn't get me to "change my mind," they would break up with me.
Being older now, most people just don't even bother responding at all. But, meh.
Sounds horrible. Really weirds me out how important sex is to a lot of people, but I would have thought a guy would have an easier time still finding someone.
Do you just date other people who you already know are asexual too, or are you still trying?
You'd think. But no.
I've only been dating for around 10 months since my divorce. I don't specifically look for asexual people or anything, I'm just up-front about how I am, and go from there.
I have a weird and oddly personal question. I've considered myself dexisexual, in that I really have to be comfortable with a partner in order to want to be intimate, but there is another aspect to it that I have yet to find a proper term for: basically, I don't find genitals attractive at all, and I have a strong aversion to classic intercourse(and have for as long as I can remember), despite enjoying other sexual acts. What does one even call that? I've looked through several asexual(and other sexually related) terms and found nothing that fits.
I told a coworker once and it was really awkward. I never explicitly said I was asexual but he was like "if you could have sex with one celebrity right now who would you pick?" and he laughed because I couldn't think of any. He was kinda a dick and nobody missed him when he quit but he took my non-answers as being modest and shy over a lack of interest.
A few years back I told someone in twitch chat that I was asexual and they were way more understanding. We moved to a private chat and they just simply had questions about it and never once accused me of being weird, they were just fascinated with the idea. I wish I could remember their username so we could talk again but it was years ago.
I will banter with people about sexual things, I just don't bring up any personal stuff. As far as being open, I wear a black ring now but literally no one around me (or seemingly any of my customers) knows what it means. I'm not sure if I want to tell my mom as she so desperately wants grandchildren... I'm hoping my brother fulfills that role so I don't have to. xP
Do you think any of your friends would have a negative reaction if they knew?
My best friend is also asexual. Although his definition of it is a bit extreme since he thinks you have to be truly repulsed by sex to be a "true" asexual. I tried convincing him of it being a spectrum but he was steadfast. So in the end I found it easier to drop that notion around him than to continue arguing it. It is certainly nice to spend time with him knowing that we can be fully platonic opposite gendered friends with no ulterior motives. We slept in the same bedroom for over a week at his house and I felt perfectly safe from being touched inappropriately.
As far as my other friends, I don't think they would care, they already know that I have pretty "meh" reactions to sexual things.
Yeah, I had someone tell me that I didn't count as asexual since I wasn't repulsed by female breasts.
First time I tried telling someone it did not go well. They immediately started asking some... awkward questions. Were you abused a child/do you masturbate/are you a virgin. Keep in mind we weren't besties or anything, just internet acquaintances. From what I've seen that's not really rare either. People just, for some reason, think those are okay questions to ask when you say that you're ace.
After that I just stick to 'not interested'. It seems to go over much better.
You shouldn't have to say "not interested" though. You're welcome to say it of course if that makes you feel comfortable, more power to you, I respect that decision, but you shouldn't feel you have to say it because it is "better" or "easier". I hope this reads well, typing words out doesn't always mean it gets read how you mean for it to be read, so I apologize if it sounds off. What I'm trying to say is that If you decided to tell someone your ace, and then people try to put all those BS questions into the conversation, you do have the option on stopping the talk, but you also have the option to educate and make it a learning experience. I choose to believe that most people don't intend to be assholes, malicious or rude, so I take a breath and elaborate on things.
I myself, after over a decade of recognizing my identity, and having to hide it and deal with BS from even people who were supposed to understand, decided that enough is enough. I am definitely not closeted, but I don't go yelling to the heavens I'm queer everywhere I go either. I just live my life and don't hide myself, including my queerness. No, what I personally do is when it comes up, I talk about it. If people can't accept you for being ace, or think there's something wrong with you or see you as wrong andnot being queer enough to march in San Francisco Pride (This actually happened holy shit), then they aren't worth your time. Maybe I'm old, but life's too short with people who can't accept you for being yourself.
I myself, after over a decade of recognizing my identity, and having to hide it and deal with BS from even people who were supposed to understand, decided that enough is enough. I am definitely not closeted, but I don't go yelling to the heavens I'm queer everywhere I go either. I just live my life and don't hide myself, including my queerness. No, what I personally do is when it comes up, I talk about it. If people can't accept you for being ace, or think there's something wrong with you or see you as wrong andnot being queer enough to march in San Francisco Pride (This actually happened holy shit), then they aren't worth your time. Maybe I'm old, but life's too short with people who can't accept you for being yourself.
So, the pope might be doing a thing.
https://www.resetera.com/threads/pope-requests-roman-catholic-priests-be-given-right-to-marry.3510/
Maybe in the future, people will stop saying "asexual? like a nun or priest?" to us. :P
https://www.resetera.com/threads/pope-requests-roman-catholic-priests-be-given-right-to-marry.3510/
Maybe in the future, people will stop saying "asexual? like a nun or priest?" to us. :P
Now it will be "Asexual? But even nuns and priests can do that!"
What is the difference between asexual and low libido? What whould a high libido asexual be driven by?
Sorry if it is a intuse question, but I am still learning, just last year I finally figured out how not to be a difficult person towards trans people in my life, and I am 40+.. :0 I am glad that my life has been so easy because of how I work, but sad for people who have to fight to fit in over really silly reasons. How can I grasp this concept too in order to make asexuals life more commonly accepted?
Sorry if it is a intuse question, but I am still learning, just last year I finally figured out how not to be a difficult person towards trans people in my life, and I am 40+.. :0 I am glad that my life has been so easy because of how I work, but sad for people who have to fight to fit in over really silly reasons. How can I grasp this concept too in order to make asexuals life more commonly accepted?
Asexual = I don't want to fuck anyone, ever
Low libido = I kind of want to fuck someone but not enough to try and get laid, masturbation is enough
To expand on your comment (which I more or less agree with),
People with low libido don't necessarily want to have sex much at all either, and it's not always about effort.
As someone who considers himself to both have low libido and be a grey-ace, it's not that I don't want to "try".
More than that I don't really like sex, and don't have it unless I'm in a relationship trying to make my partner happy.
Of course, it's a self selection thing. There's no universal definition, but people who are "asexual" generally don't like sex at all, or are even repulsed by it.
People who have a low libido or are grey aces like sex significantly less than the general population, and have it very rarely, even when in a relationship. Outside a relationship, sex is pretty much nonexistent.
Since Jzeero more or less answered your post above and I already expanded upon, it I'll discuss the parts I don't think were answered:
Asexual means not liking sex, so there could be a few reasons that someone could consider themselves to have a high libido but not like sex. Being touch averse is the biggest example, making the person uncomfortable being that close to someone else. Or sex could just be off putting to them for other reasons.
Don't worry about asking questions, btw. Asking questions is good! As far as making them feel accepted, the biggest thing you can do is "not be a jerk" around asexual people. I'm not saying you are, especially based off you approached the thread in such an amazing way.
If you're having a conversation with someone who considers themselves asexual, listen to them. Ask questions if you will, but realize that as they live every day as an asexual person, they know more about it than you do. The one big mistake people often make is assuming that asexuality is something that can be fixed. In some cases, a low sex drive is caused by a medical issue, but many times that's not the case. Saying that "you should see a doctor" is a bit insulting (some in the community consider it downright demeaning), well intentions aside.
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I'm typically very open to my friends about being an ace and I try to celebrate it by saying things like "I should carry a deck of cards with nothing but aces in them". My friends see me a pure and innocent, yet I feel like I'm always trying to let people know about my sexuality just ensure sure my spirited personality doesn't come across as creepy or flirtatious, and that I'm sexualizing/objectifying someone in any way. Yet lately, I sort of want to date, but I'm just unsure of myself because I don't think I have anything to be desired in a relationship by ruling out sex and any relating kinds of behavior. I've been told numerous times I'm a very attractive male and have received a lot of requests from many men and women in High School and now College. Yet, I always declined because I feared people just wanted me for sex which isn't something I was ever willing to provide.
I don't know any asexual communities within my area and whether or not I want to date within the spectrum. And coming from a family who has been very terrible in their relationships like a Sister who (still) wants to be a trophy wife despite having two kids and dated the worse amount of people, a step-sister who was in an abusive relationship and later died from a heroin overdose, a good father who was extremely possessive of my mom and later stepmom, and my Mother who cannot for the life of her confront people about her feelings, chooses to blame everyone, and assume the worst in people. I just never had a good role model in terms of dating and with being an asexual I feel like this is only more baggage weighing me down in terms of relationships.
I don't know any asexual communities within my area and whether or not I want to date within the spectrum. And coming from a family who has been very terrible in their relationships like a Sister who (still) wants to be a trophy wife despite having two kids and dated the worse amount of people, a step-sister who was in an abusive relationship and later died from a heroin overdose, a good father who was extremely possessive of my mom and later stepmom, and my Mother who cannot for the life of her confront people about her feelings, chooses to blame everyone, and assume the worst in people. I just never had a good role model in terms of dating and with being an asexual I feel like this is only more baggage weighing me down in terms of relationships.
Hi! I'm grey-A and while I have the occasional sexual urge, it's infrequent enough to the point that I consider myself asexual-ish. Nice to see a thread with other aces in it!
I don't really talk about this to anyone irl, I don't see the point (mainly because I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life tbh, it's their private thing imo), but it's always nice to see a welcoming community that isn't going to do weird 'are you asexual enough' litmus tests :3
Oh and I have a boyfriend too! He's supportive of my asexuality while not being asexual himself, so that's neat.
Someone mentioned sex-repulsed or a term similar to that earlier in the thread, perhaps you're somewhere around that term?
As someone with an aversion to most bodily fluids I can at least understand where you're coming from involving only liking certain types of sexual acts.
I don't really talk about this to anyone irl, I don't see the point (mainly because I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life tbh, it's their private thing imo), but it's always nice to see a welcoming community that isn't going to do weird 'are you asexual enough' litmus tests :3
Oh and I have a boyfriend too! He's supportive of my asexuality while not being asexual himself, so that's neat.
Someone mentioned sex-repulsed or a term similar to that earlier in the thread, perhaps you're somewhere around that term?
As someone with an aversion to most bodily fluids I can at least understand where you're coming from involving only liking certain types of sexual acts.
Ah, so this is where my people are hiding out. :P
I discovered my asexuality over 2.5 years ago, after hearing that a friend from high school was ace. After visiting AVEN it seemed that maybe I fit the bill as well, but I was confused at first because I had a pretty active libido during puberty, yet I never desired sex. I moreso had fantasies that, well, I got off to, but with no urge to replicate them in real life. But nowadays, I don't have them as often as I used to. So, I consider myself a panromantic libidoist ace.
Dating is tough. I don't like using dating sites or apps and I can be slow to warm up to people. On top of being an ace guy.
So I've decided to marry my Switch instead. [/s]
I discovered my asexuality over 2.5 years ago, after hearing that a friend from high school was ace. After visiting AVEN it seemed that maybe I fit the bill as well, but I was confused at first because I had a pretty active libido during puberty, yet I never desired sex. I moreso had fantasies that, well, I got off to, but with no urge to replicate them in real life. But nowadays, I don't have them as often as I used to. So, I consider myself a panromantic libidoist ace.
Dating is tough. I don't like using dating sites or apps and I can be slow to warm up to people. On top of being an ace guy.
So I've decided to marry my Switch instead. [/s]
This comic is sadly too true.
Feels bad :(
Agreed.
Doctor's jump way too fast to circumcision for that. There is always the option of a dorsal slit or partial circumcision (removing only the fimotic part).
I never posted in the other's site thread (if there was one), but saw this one in the list of OTs considered for Community Spotlight (great initiative, BTW).
I'm not exactly sure if I should be posting here, as I'm not asexual... but my significant other is (she's OK with me posting here, before anyone asks :) ). We've been together for over 11 years now, and living together for around 6; as you can imagine, it makes things quite complicated to say the least, but we're very compatible otherwise so we don't want to break up. She does feel romantic attraction (for men only) and actually enjoys sex, she just has zero drive so if I don't ask, we can go for weeks without. :D
I was wondering if anyone in the thread has been in a situation similar to this, or knows of someone who has, and perhaps has any tips or pointers? One thing we should definitely do is talk about it with more people, as we're both relatively reserved and pretty much nobody else knows, not even our friends.
I'm not exactly sure if I should be posting here, as I'm not asexual... but my significant other is (she's OK with me posting here, before anyone asks :) ). We've been together for over 11 years now, and living together for around 6; as you can imagine, it makes things quite complicated to say the least, but we're very compatible otherwise so we don't want to break up. She does feel romantic attraction (for men only) and actually enjoys sex, she just has zero drive so if I don't ask, we can go for weeks without. :D
I was wondering if anyone in the thread has been in a situation similar to this, or knows of someone who has, and perhaps has any tips or pointers? One thing we should definitely do is talk about it with more people, as we're both relatively reserved and pretty much nobody else knows, not even our friends.
Indeed, in the last moment the surgeon let me decide to get partial small circumcision. Got to keep most of my skin thankfully. I think I would have regretted a proper circumcision as my sensation with sex doesnt change.
She sounds a lot like me so you're in good company ;) When you don't ask she might be assuming your good and/or might not think about it at all, which is usually the case for me. Just talk with her about what works for you (outside of just asking)
Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's not a part of her daily thoughts, so she simply forgets about it. This is somewhat compounded by the fact that we're both pretty sure she also has some form of Asperger's syndrome, which makes it extremely hard for her to emphatize naturally with other people / put herself in their shoes without making a conscious effort. (Saying it like that makes it sound like a nightmare relationship but she's very loving otherwise!)
As for "asking what works for me (outside of just asking)", I'm not entirely sure what you mean? Especially since the issue is that she doesn't remember about it at all, so anything that she could do about it is probably not going to happen either. (If the answer gets NSFW feel free to PM me, if you want).
Hey guys, I just recently came to the conclusion that I'm gray-ace/possibly demisexual, and I told my family and friends and they've all been super supportive of it. I didn't know what gray-asexuallity and demisexuality meant until recently, and upon finding out, I really identify with it. It's good to see that there's a community here on ResetERA for people like me, since I know only one other gray-ace person IRL.
Honestly as someone who has been unsure about my sexuality for a couple of years, that captures how I feel perfectly.
Oh, hey, just thought that I would share -
I'm demisexual/asexual, and I found someone else (or, rather, she found me) who's demisexual/asexual on these boards (not in this thread, but on these boards in general) and we're dating now.
Yay! :)
I'm demisexual/asexual, and I found someone else (or, rather, she found me) who's demisexual/asexual on these boards (not in this thread, but on these boards in general) and we're dating now.
Yay! :)
Congrats! I already feel like we're a rarer breed so good on you!
Hi all,
I was bouncing about the hangout threads and stumbled across this one. I find asexuality an interesting concept. For a brief moment in high school, I thought I may have been asexual. Prior to that experience, I've had no physical or romantic attraction to either sex, be it low arousal or not giving the idea of intimacy of that nature too much thought. Turned out that I was a late bloomer though, lol. However, I want to know if sexual pleasure interests you all or if it's more of a mechanical function that you take care of once in a while (that of course leads to more questions, but I'll leave that for now)?
I was bouncing about the hangout threads and stumbled across this one. I find asexuality an interesting concept. For a brief moment in high school, I thought I may have been asexual. Prior to that experience, I've had no physical or romantic attraction to either sex, be it low arousal or not giving the idea of intimacy of that nature too much thought. Turned out that I was a late bloomer though, lol. However, I want to know if sexual pleasure interests you all or if it's more of a mechanical function that you take care of once in a while (that of course leads to more questions, but I'll leave that for now)?
For me personally, I've had a decent amount of sex before realizing that I actually don't care for it at all, and from there I kinda pieced together that I was asexual. I still masturbate, but more as a maintenance action, to clear my head or whatever. Though I am gray-ace, so the answers will vary depending where one is on the spectrum.
Somewhat, but it's not a primary - or secondary, or tertiary - concern.
I don't "take care of [it] once in a while."
Contrary to what Maslow would have you believe, "sex" is not a "need" on the same level as eating and sleeping.
Never meant to imply that it was a necessity, but more of a..."desire" to pleasure ones self to achieve sexual gratification when and if it suits your needs. For example, you may want a one night stand with your partner to do this or self pleasure. I recently found out that I am an introvert and that I derive pleasure from low arousal activities such as reading, drawing, and videogames for instance.