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AsexualERA |OT| Have Our Cake And Eat It

EarthBound64

EarthBound64

User was permanently banned at own request
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,802
Connecticut
The Watcher said:
Never meant to imply that it was a necessity, but more of a..."desire" to pleasure ones self to achieve sexual gratification when and if it suits your needs.
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This doesn't really happen for me.
Frankly, the idea has always seemed really weird to me. Like this:

zoojoo said:
I still masturbate, but more as a maintenance action, to clear my head or whatever.
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There's nothing at all wrong with it, please don't take me saying this as implying that, but...
I've never really got that. I don't have anything I need to "maintain" by it, and it wouldn't "clear my head" or anything like that.
Again, I'm not saying anyone else should feel that way - just, that's me.


The Watcher said:
For example, you may want a one night stand with your partner to do this or self pleasure.
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No, definitely not.
 
EarthBound64

EarthBound64

User was permanently banned at own request
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,802
Connecticut
zoojoo said:
Everyone is different, I've had plenty of wet dreams, but I've never had a night emmission (that I know of). But once you get hormones in the mix, all bets are off, everyone's bodies are gonna react a little differently.
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I know everyone's different. And that's precisely why the wording I was replying to:

Jzeero said:
It really sucks that men have to ejaculate or wake up to a mess.
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"men have to"

Was absurd, since without qualifiers it implies that it applies to all men.
Last I checked, I was a man, yet I don't have to do that.
 
Last edited:
zooj

zooj

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
859
Ames, IA
EarthBound64 said:
I know everyone's different. And that's precisely why the wording I was replying to:



"men have to"

Was absurd, since without qualifiers it implies that it applies to all men.
Last I checked, I was a man, yet I don't have to do that.
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That's fair, although, his experiences might just be limited to his own, and without any additional information, one might conclude that it's a normal thing that happens to guys.
It was a little bit of a stretch by him, but I might conclude the same thing if I were in his position.
 
EarthBound64

EarthBound64

User was permanently banned at own request
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,802
Connecticut
zoojoo said:
That's fair, although, his experiences might just be limited to his own, and without any additional information, one might conclude that it's a normal thing that happens to guys.
It was a little bit of a stretch by him, but I might conclude the same thing if I were in his position.
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I would have thought an Asexual thread would be a rather important place to not assume that one person's experiences are representative of an entire group of people's experiences.
Since, you know, most people are allosexual, and assume that everyone else is allosexual; and, the fact that they're not is kind of why we have this thread.
 
Quantum Leap

Quantum Leap

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
5,988
California
User warned: excessive rudeness, don't personalize the issue
EarthBound64 said:
I know everyone's different. And that's precisely why the wording I was replying to:



"men have to"

Was absurd, since without qualifiers it implies that it applies to all men.
Last I checked, I was a man, yet I don't have to do that.
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Why are you so fucking defensive all the time? You do the same thing in the dating thread. English is not my first language so me not wording things correctly happens pretty often.
 
gaiages

gaiages

Member
Oct 25, 2017
488
Florida
Aw come on guys, no need to argue over semantics, it looks like it was just a misunderstanding!

The Watcher said:
However, I want to know if sexual pleasure interests you all or if it's more of a mechanical function that you take care of once in a while (that of course leads to more questions, but I'll leave that for now)?
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I'll put my answer in spoiler tags since I suppose it's a bit NSFW:

Er, both I guess? I get sexual pleasure once and a while, but my drive and interest in it is so low it's really only once, maybe twice, a month at most. If even that. If I'm stressed my sex drive is pretty much zero, so I don't really orgasm to clear my head or de-stress.

I guess in some ways I do have sex as a "mechanical function", but not for me as much as for my partner, who's allosexual. So essentially I'll have sex if I'm not horny so that he can have his release :p

In other words, it's complicated, haha.
 
The Watcher

The Watcher

Member
Oct 29, 2017
1,349
gaiages said:
Aw come on guys, no need to argue over semantics, it looks like it was just a misunderstanding!



I'll put my answer in spoiler tags since I suppose it's a bit NSFW:

Er, both I guess? I get sexual pleasure once and a while, but my drive and interest in it is so low it's really only once, maybe twice, a month at most. If even that. If I'm stressed my sex drive is pretty much zero, so I don't really orgasm to clear my head or de-stress.

I guess in some ways I do have sex as a "mechanical function", but not for me as much as for my partner, who's allosexual. So essentially I'll have sex if I'm not horny so that he can have his release :p

In other words, it's complicated, haha.
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Human sexuality in general is complicated. There are some people who derive pleasure from pleasuring their partners, which I find fascinating. I've recently heard that men can experiment with each other and not be gay and that a person could be completely straight but have romantic feelings for just one person of the same sex. Crazy, right?
 
Nikpls

Nikpls

Member
Oct 25, 2017
598
The Watcher said:
Human sexuality in general is complicated. There are some people who derive pleasure from pleasuring their partners, which I find fascinating. I've recently heard that men can experiment with each other and not be gay and that a person could be completely straight but have romantic feelings for just one person of the same sex. Crazy, right?
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Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
I could see myself dating a guy. I havent yet, and it'd have to be the right guy, but when you mostly take sex out of the equation, I don't see why not.

I find guys cute at times, same as girls. There's just not very much sexual attraction. I'm saying this as someone who considers themselves straight/heteromantic.
 
Nikpls

Nikpls

Member
Oct 25, 2017
598
Xe4 said:
I could see myself dating a guy. I havent yet, and it'd have to be the right guy, but when you mostly take sex out of the equation, I don't see why not.

I find guys cute at times, same as girls. There's just not very much sexual attraction. I'm saying this as someone who considers themselves straight/heteromantic.
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You didn't have to edit out the quote, it doesn't become visible to everyone if you quote a quote. I'm gonna respond in a PM, the thread is getting a bit too personal for something google searchable. Wish there was an option to make certain threads visible to members only.
 
Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
Nikpls said:
You didn't have to edit out the quote, it doesn't become visible to everyone if you quote a quote. I'm gonna respond in a PM, the thread is getting a bit too personal for something google searchable. Wish there was an option to make certain threads visible to members only.
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I know. I was still erring on the safe side. If it's personal enough that you want to hide the quote, I don't want to give away any hints as to what it may be.

And feel free to contact me whenever to talk or whatever. : )
 
Trekkie

Trekkie

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
925
at this point I'm 99% sure i'm asexual

all my peers are married and have kids and I don't even have the desire for a significant other
 
HyperFerret

HyperFerret

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,140
My mom hit me with the dreaded "when am I going to get grandkids?" question today.

I keep telling her that I don't want kids (mostly because I'm not interested in the act), but she doesn't know that I identify as an asexual and thinks it's because I'm not actively dating and "looking for 'the one'." I told her about asexuality in general at Christmas and she brushed it off as not being a real thing.

Ugh.

I'm not going to have kids just for her sake.
 
Nikpls

Nikpls

Member
Oct 25, 2017
598
HyperFerret said:
My mom hit me with the dreaded "when am I going to get grandkids?" question today.

I keep telling her that I don't want kids (mostly because I'm not interested in the act), but she doesn't know that I identify as an asexual and thinks it's because I'm not actively dating and "looking for 'the one'." I told her about asexuality in general at Christmas and she brushed it off as not being a real thing.

Ugh.

I'm not going to have kids just for her sake.
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are you going to explain it to her or just hope she doesn't bring it up again?
 
HyperFerret

HyperFerret

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,140
Oh I'm sure she'll bring it up again, but I don't know if I should try explaining it because she's the type that gets too easily confused and angered by new concepts. I'll just let her keep thinking I'm playing hard to get or whatever she believes I'm doing.
 
Trekkie

Trekkie

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
925
Thinking out loud


I honestly wish I had an Asexual girlfriend who I could cuddle and not have sex with.


That would be my ideal wish. but such a thing is highly unlikely.
 
Eldy

Eldy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,192
Maryland
Hi, I was hoping I could ask for advice and that doing so in a community thread isn't inappropriate; my apologies if it is! I'm straight but my partner is ace and aromantic. To make a long story short, we were best friends as teenagers, trying to make it romantic for a few months (this was before she came out) which needless to say didn't end very well, fell out of touch for several years after breaking up, but have gradually reconnected over the past couple years. We agree that "queerplatonic relationship" is the label that comes closest to describing our dynamic. We've recently started telling a small number of mutual friends as well as family about us being together again but I've been uncertain about the right vocabulary to use. Saying "zucchini" makes for even more to explain, and as a straight cis man I'm not sure if it's appropriate for me to use the label queer-anything about myself. The only person I've tried to explain the word queerplatonic to so far is my sister, who is trans, and her initial response was along the lines of "wait, what did you just say?" This seems to already be a subject of controversy in the aromantic community but quasiplatonic and quirkyplatonic don't seem to have caught on much.

Am I just overthinking this, or should I be cautious in using the term queerplatonic? Most questions regarding "mixed relationships" on the AVEN forums seem to be from people who were married for years before one partner came out as ace. I've been thinking that just saying "partner" might be the easiest option, but my QPP/zucchini/partner was somewhat skeptical of that since the first things that came to mind for her were business partners and cowboys, and there seems to be some disagreement online (not necessarily in the ace community) over whether straight people saying partner is a form of appropriation, though I'm not sure how widespread that sentiment is. Between the two of us we haven't worried much about labels but it's a question I've started to think about more as we begin to mention it to other people.
 
Redhead On Moped

Redhead On Moped

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,859
USA, Sol 3, Universe 1
What some people fail to realize is that you don't have to be queer to be part of a queer relationship. You know who you are, what you are, who you love, how you love, and how they live you back, right? And it's not quite a straight relationship despite your straightness right? That is completely valid, and since you are valid, terms you want to use not define you, but rather to help communicate yourself, are valid as well. If anyone takes issue with it, pay no heed. You do yo!

And it's awesome to have a straight person be so consideriate and educated and accepting of thier partner's queerness and who they are. You seem like a real decent person, so don't let anyone think you are "wrong" or doing it wrong.

At least that's how I see it.
 
Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
Jacob, you can only do what works best for you and your partner, obviously, so advice from people over the internet and those in your life who aren't in your relationship is going to be mixed and confusing.
I wouldn't worry too much about labels. Call yourself whatever makes you and your partner happy. Personally, when I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm their boyfriend. All that means is a committed relationship, sex doesn't have to even be a part of the question in the what I call myself in first place, it just so happens most relationships happen to be sexual in nature.
 
Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
Also, I just noticed Earthbound asked to be perma-banned. If it's not too personal, does anyone know why he wanted to quit ERA?
I always liked him as a poster, he had some really insightful posts : /
 
Eldy

Eldy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,192
Maryland
Thank you both! Like Huelen says, I wouldn't call it a conventional straight relationship, mostly due to the aromantic aspect, though in terms of emotional intimacy it's closer than any other relationship I've had. Xe4, I agree with you about girlfriend/boyfriend not necessarily connoting anything sexual, but since my partner is uncomfortable with romantic language/terminology in general it's not on the radar for us. As far as our own mutual understanding of our relationship is concerned labels aren't really important, but I'd like to find a good balance between simple and accurate phrasing in cases where this comes up in conversation with, for example, my family. It's reassuring to get a positive response regarding my usage of the word queerplatonic and in the relatively few cases where I attempt to describe the relationship in more detail I'll probably fall back on that term, but for passing mentions I'll probably stick with just "partner". :)
 
Xe4

Xe4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,295
Alwayscrazybacon

Alwayscrazybacon

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
5,159
China
Xe4 said:
^ That's a good way to think of it, I think : ) ^

: (
EarthBound, if you're reading this for whatever reason and want to talk, my twitter is https://twitter.com/Xe4Productions. Feel free to PM me any time. That goes for anyone in this thread really. If you want to talk, you can PM me here or on twitter whenever and I'll try to get back ASAP.
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I'd take care if I was you, it's been discovered that Earthbound likes to slide into DMs.
 
out_of_touch

out_of_touch

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,684
SWIM resents his asexuality a little bit. Not being ace itself, but the fact that most people won't accept or tolerate it. They just see it as wrong or unnatural. Humans are lame lol -_-
 
OP
OP
purseowner

purseowner

From the mirror universe
Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,444
UK
Despite making this thread, for some reason I wasn't getting notifications for it for months. Pleased to see it's been active and of use! :)
 

Deleted member 5865

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,122
I find the idea of having/trying a relationship cool but idk bout sex even as compromise lol. Safe to assume no sex is a no-go for 99% of prospects
 
bottledfox

bottledfox

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,576
4cute said:
I find the idea of having/trying a relationship cool but idk bout sex even as compromise lol. Safe to assume no sex is a no-go for 99% of prospects
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Same. I'm romantic, but sex averse, and I don't think I can make that sort of compromise. Or maybe I could, if I become close enough with someone that sex would no longer seem displeasent, but I've yet to feel that way.
 
HyperFerret

HyperFerret

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,140
Trekkie said:
i love gay people but i never understood the logic behind asexuals aligning with them during events like this

always identified as the atheist of sexuality.

but i guess its not for me to understand so I'm putting no more thought into it
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For me, it's more about increasing awareness of Asexuality than trying to fly under the LGTBQ+ banner specifically, since I know some people think asexuals are just heterosexuals trying to "cheat" their way into pride events or whatever nonsense.
 
Redhead On Moped

Redhead On Moped

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,859
USA, Sol 3, Universe 1
The way I personally see it, if you're not straight (specifically referring to people who are cisgender, and exclusively heterosexual and heteroromantic), then you're queer. That's how I feel. If you don't identify as queer, I absolutely respect that as well. Even Heteroromantic non-sex repulsed aces though truly don't fit in 100 percent with straight people. Sure you might be able to pass, sure you might be able to be invisible, but deep down there's always going to be the tiny disconnect.

And what about homoromantic and biromantic aces? What about aromantics? What about the fact that in the united states, only New York has asexuals listed as a protected class?

And what about even stupid "meaningless stuff" like social media that everyone sees?


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Or what about this shit?



If you're privileged enough to not be visibly queer, I respect that and perhaps even envy you, but I myself would rather fight erasure and discrimination and ignorance, wether it be inside or outside the queer community.
 
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