So, what do you do when a lifelong special interest of yours jumps the shark so hard that you can't willingly support it anymore? This is about the big Pokemon controversy going on right now and I won't go into it too much or else this is going to become an essay sized post about all the ways they're fucking over long time fans right now. I know Pokemon tends to be a pretty big special interest for a lot of folk in the autistic community too, so I wonder if anyone else is feeling burnt by this as well. It really, really sucks for me. While I'm trying to be a good sport about it and not act too much like a salty, butthurt fan, Pokemon has always been a big part of my life and I genuinely never thought the series would go in a direction I could not support anymore. I thought I'd be playing these games all the way onto my deathbed, and that's exactly how I wanted to go out LOL. No matter how bad things got, at least there was always something Pokemon related for me to look forward to. There's going to be a big hole in my life now, and while I know a lot of people would find that pathetic and easy to mock, that's just how it is with the things that become my autistic obsessions. It was an absolutely massive part of my existence since I was 7, and with what's happening now, it just really fucking sucks.
On a far more depressing note....
I feel like I'm still reeling from the loss of the only two friends I've had over the last three-ish years. It's been about four months since everything went wrong with them and going back to having nobody to talk to has been awful. I hate that all of my friendships seem to end on such awful terms, and the worst part is that I can never tell if I'm the cause or not. Things usually end with them saying or doing some really hurtful things toward me, and I can never tell if I did something that made it justified or not. I try to be open and communicative when problems arise because I am so prone to miscommunication and I like to sort things out if issues crop up, and I do my best not to be a jerk when emotions start running high, but it seems like whenever I try to explain myself, it just makes things worse. After so many failed friendships, I'm starting to feel like I'd be better off just isolating myself further rather than having to deal with the grieving process I always end up going through when a friendship I really invested myself into goes sour in the most painful ways possible. It takes a lot for me to open up, connect with, and begin trusting someone. When they decide they don't like me anymore, it's a real kick to the gut. I'd give anything for a friend who doesn't completely hate me by the end of it, after they finally get me to let my guard down and start being myself rather than a half-baked, barely convincing, human shaped mask. God, what I would not give for just one person who's genuinely happy to have me in their life. In the end, I always end up valuing others far more than they ever value me.
I honestly kinda envy people who've reached a point in their depression that they don't feel anything anymore. I'm always feeling like I have this deep, constant sadness, anxiety, loneliness and self-hatred slowly eating away at me inside. I'm hoping that someday I'll reach a point where I finally and fully accept that I'm always going to be alone in this world and not have to have that truth hurt so much. It does feel like some level of apathy has slowly been setting in though, ever since the last disaster with my friends, and I hope it progresses to a point where I won't feel anything anymore. To not care anymore would be such a relief. It may end up being the only thing that makes this existence bearable. There is no place for me in this world and all I can do is cope until I die or at least finally work up the courage to off myself.
People wonder why depression is such an epidemic nowadays but they refuse to look inwards at this absolute hell of a society that we've created. I wish I could get out, I wish there was something better, but this is all that there is. Any optimism I had slowly got chipped away as it became more and more clear that nothing is going to get better. People are always going to be awful to one another, kindness and empathy are a learned trait that most do not have, and climate change is probably going to kill us all anyway, and now in a depressingly hilarious bit of irony, even my biggest coping method has gone away too, no matter how pathetic it was to lean on something as stupid as that. Every day my outlook on life just becomes bleaker and bleaker. I'm so tired of hurting and being hurt. Of never being understood. Of never feeling like I belong. Of being treated like a worthless burden most of the time. Life is just endless exhaustion and pain, and humanity doesn't seem interested in making things better, no matter how much that bit of useless optimism was pounded into our heads as kids. We'd rather work ourselves to death for our wealthy overlords while forever judging 'the other' instead of striving to make the world a kinder, more accepting place for everyone. That selfish 'fuck you, I got mine' mentality is going to be death of our species and we probably deserve it at this point. No deity is going to come down to save us, and we sure as shit aren't going to save ourselves. I spent a good part of my life trying to be optimistic and trying to see the good in others, but people did a good job grinding that down into whatever the hell I am now. Just a pile of misery and sadness in human form forever being overwhelmed and practically pushed to suicide by a society that doesn't even pretend to want her.
...Somehow this became an essay sized post anyway. Probably should have spent it talking about Pokemon instead. Well, at least the memes are great. There's a good chance I'll probably delete this rant later anyway too. Not like anybody is going to want to read the whiny writing of some rando on the internet. You know, it's kinda funny though. I tend to cope with my social anxiety by being humorous and silly at all times, even though my humor barely ever lands. Most people think I'm a happy person in real life, but I had to learn how to mask my unhappiness thanks to all the mockery my family did and their constant shaming of 'you have nothing to be sad about'. They really ruined me in a lot of ways. It turned me into a massive doormat who can't stand conflict, who tries to de-escalate rising tension with humor out of the sheer anxiety it causes, and who tends to have a very hard time saying 'no' to people out of fear of provoking anger or mockery. Oh well. It feels like my true feeling only get to come out when I'm writing things up for random people on the internet who have no reason to care about some depressed, anxiety ridden failure of a person.
