Being old and realizing if you mess up it's over

[LexingtonKruger]

I was talking with my friend.

She was able to attend college while I at the same age was working dishes, for eight years, where I was mostly not allowed to speak.

Now I am going back to college and we both seem to agree that if I fuck up I have to kill myself or be stuck in poverty .

I am almost thirty, and I work a job that every day I ask myself whether or not I can make it one more day.
Also, it pays badly, like only 30,000 a year .

Each day I live I am more thoroughly shocked by how bad life is.

Currently I live off of milk and junk food, and I've been eating like this ever since I moved out. I don't really have the time to cook for myself. I also have found that buying rice and stuff even in bulk is not much cheaper.

I can't afford clothes. I'll buy a pair of jeans for 100 every six months and I'll wear it everyday until I get holes in it.
I finally bought a jacket after wearing the same jacket for three years. It had so many holes in it at the end.

I have become deeply afraid of people. I have a few friends but I don't really like them.
Most of my friends seem to only have this morbid curiosity with me. Like they all wonder when I'll kill myself.
I don't enjoy anything about being alive.

Oh, to top things off, I just realized that I have ADHD and very bad OCD.
The medication for one negates the medication for the other.

Is anybody else in a similar situation where they realize life has to go perfectly or else they have no choice but to committ suicide?

Oh and I used to feel guilty about making threads like this but I think it's sort of a fair antipode to the stories of opulence.

 

[Deleted member 21709]

She agrees that if this fails you should kill yourself? Stop talking to her.

 

[TaySan]

30,000 a week? i'm assuming thats a typo because thats more than i make a year lol but don't listen to her what she is saying is wrong.

 

[Deleted member 46958]

So you're going back to college. You have your shot at a better life.


I'v come to realize that we think the worst of ourselves when we're usually capable of much more. In short, you're not going to fuck up. You've got this going for yourself.

 

[Hollywood Duo]

It is never too late to change your life for the better.

 

[bionic77]

OP take a real deep breath and stop looking at the end result.

Just get through each hour, then each day then a week successfully while finding a way to keep yourself happy and sane.

The thoughts you are having are not healthy.

 

[Servbot24]

OP I think you are getting worked up and over-exaggerating to your situation. If you're under 30 then you are still very young. If you work only 30 hours then you should have some time to cook decent food (which will improve your mood, eating junk food all the time will cause depression and poor health). If you are buying $100 pairs of jeans twice a year then you have enough money to afford clothes (I never buy jeans over $40, usually once per year). Settle down and take care of your school.

Edit: Maybe this is a different currency? That would make more sense

 

[HotHamBoy]

30,000 a week? i'm assuming thats a typo because thats more than i make a year lol but don't listen to her what she is saying is wrong.

Click to shrink...

Im thinking it's a different currency

 

[Spacejaws]

I'm on 10,000 a year for 37 hours a week. It's a struggle but you can make it work. At your college there should be a support faculty. Please use it and talk to someone who isn't this friend. There are people who can actually help you cope, you need to speak to them OP as soon as you can enquire about it through your college.

I'm over 35 and currently back in education. It's never too late.

 

[Akira86]

your friend agrees that you have to kill yourself?

that's bad advice bro. and I think you need to take stock of the input you receive and which of it is helpful and which of it could be harmful.
your friend reinforcing that you might need to kill yourself is not good. full stop. do not pass go.

 

[Morphis]

Very good that you're going to college!

I've been struggling with depression the last couple of years, I recognize the feelings you describe. But you have to try to realise that there's always another chance, how impossible it may seem. Killing yourself removes that chance.

Talking to a professional helps. Try and see if your college offers counseling if you can. I don't think talking to friends that agree with you that you should kill yourself is a good idea.

Edit: btw i'm 37, you have a lot of time to try stuff, fuck up and get back up. It's not fun but failing doesn't mean the end.

 

[Pai Pai Master]

She doesnt seem like your friend if shes putting suicidal thoughts in your head or reinforcing them. Please dont give up, it sounds like you are working to improve your situation. You wont fuck it up!

 

[Cookie]

Life has unlimited options, so long as you are alive you always have options. You might not see them right now but they will be there.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

Well that's reassuring.

Yeah, she is a partner at a law firm and she had a very hard life.
I think she thinks that the more pressure applied to me the better I will turn out as it sort of worked that way for her.

I have tried to get her to understand that working and not attending college can be very harmful to a person.
She just then will essentially get mad and tell me I have no idea how hard her life was and tell me that anyone can go to college like she did so I have no excuse.

I tried to explain to her that not everyone can go to college and she just tells me all about how hard her life was and so she thinks anyone can do it.

 

[skeezx]

sounds trite but never give up. not long ago i was 30 and making near minimum wage. i didn't exactly go on to become bill gates but i live very comfortably now

you never know, shit can flip on a dime

 

[LexingtonKruger]

sounds trite but never give up. not long ago i was 30 and making near minimum wage. i didn't exactly go on to become bill gates but i live very comfortably now

you never know, shit can flip on a dime

Click to shrink...

I hope shit flips somehow. I am incredibly doubtful.

My former manager said," he'll go to school, live in poverty for a few years, then he'll give up and become a chef."

 

[Almagest]

You're not old for anything at all. You have a chance if you can afford to go to college, do your best and don't give up even if it's hard. You will find new people there and have a chance to forge new bonds, if those people you mentioned keep being emotional vampires then cut contact to a minimum and if there's even just one person that can unconditionally support and encourage you keep them close and treasure them. You can do it. Just keep looking forward, even if you can't see anything right now, as long as you are alive you'll be able to find something.

 

[SymbiantXenos]

OP, she isn't a friend.

 

[Artdayne]

I was relatively poor for most of my 20s, I'm now in my late 30s and I'm pretty comfortable now. I don't know your personal situation but if you are getting an education just stick with it and try to take things a day at a time. It's difficult but you're far too young to think that you're stuck where you're at.

 

[zeitgeist]

When I was in my late 20s I really needed someone to tell me that turning 30 and not being completely stable/set for life is normal.

Turning 30 and not being completely set for life is completely normal. Also you are not old. Not even kind of old.

BUT - I feel like there is no excuse for almost turning 30 and living off of Milk and Junk food. There are cheaper ways to eat healthy and eating like an adult will probably help with the way you are perceiving yourself.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I don't mean to lecture you OP but you don't need to buy $100 jeans. Seek out sales or at least something that's just cheaper in general. You should be able to buy several outfits of mix/matched tops and bottoms for $100.

If you can budget and save effectively, it will help you feel more in control of your finances even before making any more money and that can go a long way to feel I more in control of your life in general.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

Oh and she's not directly saying like you should kill yourself. She just doesn't say no you shouldn't. She just says nothing and I have to guess her implication.

From everything she has said to me, like she mostly says she wants to give me tough love as it will make me stronger.

She has no understanding of what I have been through but she assumes that she has been through the same as her life has been hard.

 

[Dr. Lucien Sanchez]

Now I am going back to college and we both seem to agree that if I fuck up I have to kill myself or be stuck in poverty .

Click to shrink...

That sounds like a horrible thing for a friend to say. Just nonsense to even imply that.

Also, instead of buying one $100 pair of jeans, you could probably get 5 $20 pairs from h&m or somewhere.

 

[deftones r cool]

It ain't expensive to live off of potatoes, beans, and eggs. That's how I save money. A little salt and hot sauce goes a long way.

Also, quit buying $100 jeans. You can get Levi's much cheaper than that online my dude.

You got this. Exercise and eat healthy. Cut out the junk food. Go for walks. Do push-ups. Cut toxic people out of your life.

 

[AZ Greg]

In one of your many other suicidal threads a couple months ago you had made it sound like you were an accomplished chef. Now you're saying you've just been washing dishes the last 8 years. Am I missing something here?

 

[Masoyama]

In one of your many other suicidal threads a couple months ago you had made it sound like you were an accomplished chef. Now you're saying you've just been washing dishes the last 8 years. Am I missing something here?

Click to shrink...

So many threads....

I remember this too.

 

[skeezx]

I hope shit flips somehow. I am incredibly doubtful.

My former manager said," he'll go to school, live in poverty for a few years, then he'll give up and become a chef."

Click to shrink...

my last boss tossed the the same kind of shade on me. it motivated the fuck out of me to prove him wrong and now i have his job. last i heard he's a janitor now

making idiots out of people can be a huge huge motivator, for what it's worth

 

[LexingtonKruger]

When I was in my late 20s I really needed someone to tell me that turning 30 and not being completely stable/set for life is normal.

Turning 30 and not being completely set for life is completely normal. Also you are not old. Not even kind of old.

BUT - I feel like there is no excuse for almost turning 30 and living off of Milk and Junk food. There are cheaper ways to eat healthy and eating like an adult will probably help with the way you are perceiving yourself.

Click to shrink...

Okay. Well I needed to hear that too. I really get depressed cooking in my place. A former roommate brought bugs into the kitchen. There's bugs crawling all over the stove even in winter. Also, my new roommate leaves weeks worth of dishes in the sink.

Milk is protein and it's cheap.

I don't mean to lecture you OP but you sneed to buy $100 jeans. Seek out sales or at least something that's just cheaper in general. You should be able to buy several outfits of mix/matched tops and bottoms for $100.

If you can budget and save effectively, it will help you feel more in control of your finances even before making any more money.

Click to shrink...

I try to buy clothes at end of year sales also.

 

[Z-Beat]

we both seem to agree that if I fuck up I have to kill myself

Click to shrink...

Oh and she's not directly saying like you should kill yourself. She just doesn't say no you shouldn't. She just says nothing and I have to guess her implication.

Click to shrink...

That's super NOT what she's implying

 

[Dad_and_Videogames]

I hope shit flips somehow. I am incredibly doubtful.

My former manager said," he'll go to school, live in poverty for a few years, then he'll give up and become a chef."

Click to shrink...

It's hard work but a legit-ass culinary-degree-having chef makes a decent living. $15 something an hour on average here in the US, which isn't great, but there are avenues to do very well. My chef makes 55k+ a year. It's a lot of education and dedication, but it's not a worst-case scenario if you have any passion for it.

Foodservice can be a rewarding field if you get in the right situation.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

No I'm not a chef. I worked at a one Michelin star restaurant as a fish entremetier and I now work at a steakhouse which is supposedly one of the most exclusive in new York..

I'm just a line cook though. I've seen close to fifty line cooks quit this place in the last two years.
You don't get any sort of reward for lasting.
If I were to look for another job it would most likely pay minimum wage and offer shit hrs to where I couldn't attend school.

If I were to be a sous chef I would get maybe fifty grand which is shit considering you have to work 60-80 hrs a week.

So I:m desperately trying to get out of restaurant industry.

 

[Shelbyville Milhouse]

Now I am going back to college and we both seem to agree that if I fuck up I have to kill myself or be stuck in poverty .

Click to shrink...

Great friend you have there

 

[Deleted member 33533]

BUT - I feel like there is no excuse for almost turning 30 and living off of Milk and Junk food. There are cheaper ways to eat healthy and eating like an adult will probably help with the way you are perceiving yourself.

Click to shrink...

This. Not only that, when I eat junk I feel worse overall, not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.

Okay. Well I needed to hear that too. I really get depressed cooking in my place. A former roommate brought bugs into the kitchen. There's bugs crawling all over the stove even in winter. Also, my new roommate leaves weeks worth of dishes in the sink.

Milk is protein and it's cheap.


I try to buy clothes at end of year sales also.

Click to shrink...

It sucks that your roommate makes things difficult. Can you talk to them? Can your landlord do anything about the bugs?

Also if you want a cheap source of protein, buy chicken breasts. I literally just season them and put them in a pan with oil in the oven for 30-40 minutes. It's really only 5 minutes of actual work so I can do other stuff while it's baking. Then I boil rice and veggies and eat it together. Sure it isn't an amazing meal but it's cheap, healthy and takes very little effort or time.

If you can figure out like 3 healthy, cheap dinners and get in the habit of doing them it might be a lot easier to manage than you'd think.

 

[Soriku]

No I'm not a chef. I worked at a one Michelin star restaurant as a fish entremetier and I now work at a steakhouse which is supposedly one of the most exclusive in new York..

I'm just a line cook though. I've seen close to fifty line cooks quit this place in the last two years.
You don't get any sort of reward for lasting.
If I were to look for another job it would most likely pay minimum wage and offer shit hrs to where I couldn't attend school.

If I were to be a sous chef I would get maybe fifty grand which is shit considering you have to work 60-80 hrs a week.

So I:m desperately trying to get out of restaurant industry.

Click to shrink...

Try to see if there are any entry level tech jobs/call center jobs. Should at least get you paid more than minimum wage.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

This. Not only that, when I eat junk I feel worse overall, not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.



It sucks that your roommate makes things difficult. Can you talk to them? Can your landlord do anything about the bugs?

Also if you want a cheap source of protein, buy chicken breasts. I literally just season them and put them in a pan with oil in the oven for 30-40 minutes. It's really only 5 minutes of actual work so I can do other stuff while it's baking. Then I boil rice and veggies and eat it together. Sure it isn't an amazing meal but it's cheap, healthy and takes very little effort or time.

If you can figure out like 3 healthy, cheap dinners and get in the habit of doing them it might be a lot easier to manage than you'd think.

Click to shrink...

I bought a pan to cook and then I just realized, I don't really have the patience to cook at home. I'm apparently not alone as most of the people I work with don't cook at home either. Cooks generally don't like cooking for themselves.

 

[Masoyama]

This. Not only that, when I eat junk I feel worse overall, not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.



It sucks that your roommate makes things difficult. Can you talk to them? Can your landlord do anything about the bugs?

Also if you want a cheap source of protein, buy chicken breasts. I literally just season them and put them in a pan with oil in the oven for 30-40 minutes. It's really only 5 minutes of actual work so I can do other stuff while it's baking. Then I boil rice and veggies and eat it together. Sure it isn't an amazing meal but it's cheap, healthy and takes very little effort or time.

If you can figure out like 3 healthy, cheap dinners and get in the habit of doing them it might be a lot easier to manage than you'd think.

Click to shrink...

Dude was supposedly a line chef at a michelin restaurant. He eats junk food because he wants to not because he needs cooking lessons from people on this forum.

 

[SABO.]

You know in pretty much most professional careers, 30s is considered young?

Also your friend is an asshole and potentially keeping you down.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

Dude was supposedly a line chef at a michelin restaurant. He eats junk food because he wants to not because he needs cooking lessons from people on this forum.

Click to shrink...

That's funny lol. Yes the idea of eating rice with butter and a little stock is more depressing to me than drinking milk and junk food.

When you cook for yourself, it feels like you're working.

Also the food I can afford is like, chicken breasts, rice. When you're watching rich people eat massive amounts of meat and potatoes every night you sort of get turned off of the idea of putting in effort to cook only to produce shit.
Candy and milk is shit but I didn't try, I can accept that.
When I'm sitting down to a meal of rice and chicken I feel very sad.

Also the restaurant was called rebelle. I was there for only six months before it closed. There were only three chefs including me and the menu was stupid.

There was no chef to really supervise. I'm not sure how we got our final Michelin star.

I planned on continuing as a sous chef but legal complications closed the opening of a new restaurant under supervision of a sous chef from barbuto or whatever.

Now David Burke opened a place in the space.

Line cooking is shit and everyone has mental illness and it drives you insane dealing with the various personalities.

 

[DeadlyVirus]

When you cook for yourself, it feels like you're working.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, because you are working for yourself to make a healthy meal. What did you expect? To have a personal chef or food to just magically appear cooked?

 

[johnny_park]

Buy jeans from Ross. You can buy 6 for $100.

 

[LexingtonKruger]

q

Buy jeans from Ross. You can buy 6 for $100.

Click to shrink...

Maybe I will do that. I just have to worry that cheaper jeans will rip immediately.
100 dollars for one pair gives me at least six months.

 

[bananab]

Your friend sounds like someone that is in love with the narrative that they endured maximum struggle in order to achieve maximum greatness, and is fighting back anything that challenges that. In your case what challenges that narrative is the idea that things that were possible for her aren't possible for you, which in turn means you have it harder. Her pushing back on you has nothing to do with you, it's an attempt at validating her preferred version of reality. Basically she's not the sort of person you should discuss life plans with, as she's not able to avoid making it about herself. Like why even mention her own struggles? It's not relevant, and you don't seem like someone that needs tough love. You seem like someone that deserves actual compassion. By the way I was in a similar boat in my early thirties and am in a way better place now. Please hang in there as I believe things will get better for you.

 

[t26]

q


Maybe I will do that. I just have to worry that cheaper jeans will rip immediately.
100 dollars for one pair gives me at least six months.

Click to shrink...

You can still get brand name stuff like Levi at Ross, and they don't cost $100

 

[kiaaa]

q


Maybe I will do that. I just have to worry that cheaper jeans will rip immediately.
100 dollars for one pair gives me at least six months.

Click to shrink...

What do you do to your jeans? I can get most of a year out of a $40-60 pair of jeans that I use every day for construction.

 

[Daingurse]

Don't listen to anyone who agrees with you killing yourself. That is completely fucked. It is never too late to improve your life. Almost thirty ain't shit. Life ain't a race. I'm guessing I'm about the same age as you (29), and I had similar thoughts as you all throughout my 20s. To this day I still deal with suicidal ideation. It's never too late, man. Not as long as you live.

It's frustrating to not be where you want to be in life. I understand and struggle with that daily myself, but you gotta count what blessings you have. Like earlier posters have mentioned, many people are doing their best to get by with even less than you are. Stop measuring yourself against other people. It's not conducive. Believe me, I know, and I got several suicide attempts under my belt to prove it. Keep pushing forward. Opportunities will come as long as you stay alive.

Also, on a much lighter note, $100 dollars jeans sound expensive as hell! I'd try to find cheaper ones.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

q


Maybe I will do that. I just have to worry that cheaper jeans will rip immediately.
100 dollars for one pair gives me at least six months.

Click to shrink...

Jeans are all about the brand and material. If you're buying jeans from the same company and they keep ripping in 6 months, you're either buying jeans that are too tight, or the brand you're buying from is trash.

 

[Daingurse]

Jeans are all about the brand and material. If you're buying jeans from the same company and they keep ripping in 6 months, you're either buying jeans that are too tight, or the brand you're buying from is trash.

Click to shrink...

Fo'real. I get a few years out of $40 jeans.

 

[dark_prinny]

Stay away of a person that gives you that kind of advice OP.

 

[Nothing Loud]

Your words OP sound like the kind of delusional black and white thinking that depression and anxiety cause. When you start studying you should see if you qualify for Medicaid or a school student heath insurance and see a doctor (psychiatrist). Life doesn't have to go perfectly and being 30 is not old at all.

 

[DixieDean82]

Why do people think they're old when they get over 30?