Best friends and significant others:

[Deleted member 5764]

Hello ERA! I'm looking for some advice for a scenario I haven't really found myself in before.

I'm in my mid-twenties and happily married. Within the past year, my best friend since high school wanted to move closer to us but didn't have enough to afford his own place. As he and I have a long history together, my wife and I didn't hesitate to offer him a room in our house for a small amount of rent. He also asked if it was ok that his girlfriend came along, and we said that it was fine at the time as she seemed nice. We'll call her "otter" for easy reference.

A year later, my wife and I have grown to dislike "otter" in just about every conceivable way. We've seen that she's lazy, unmotivated, and honestly seems to bring out the worst in my best friend. She's also very passive aggressive and rude. On numerous occasions we've made dinner for the two of them, only to have her passively say "I don't like ingredient X" of a dish she had already put a heaping helping of on her plate. Said food then gets thrown out, as my wife and I bite our tongues. She's also the type of person who will act frail as an attempt to avoid any criticism you might throw her way. To top it all off, she never leaves our goddamn house unless it's for work. All in all, my wife and I are ready to "dump" otter.

With that, I'm at a weird crossroads where I'm not quite sure what my boundaries should be. My friend and I have been through a lot together, and he's helped me through both good and bad life situations before. I'm on the verge of telling him how I feel about his girlfriend, but I also don't want him to feel like I'm telling him how to live his life. He and I haven't really talked about her much, but I believe part of that is just due to the fact that she lives with us and said conversation might be awkward. As a final bit of detail, my friend met otter through one of those online dating apps that matches people up based on having super similar interests.

Edit: I forgot to mention that they are moving out of our place at the end of the month. My wife and I have actively talked about that numerous times and strangely wouldn't mind if just my friend wanted/needed to stay with us for longer. Just not the package deal.

Has anyone else had a similar life situation? How did you handle it?

 

[Hollywood Duo]

 

[julia crawford]

Damn man I tell all my best friends about how to live their lives, especially if they're in toxic relationships.

I do it nicely but still... keeping quiet doesn't seem like a friendly thing to do.

 

[Cokie Bear]

Sounds like a tough situation, not sure what else you can do other than talk to your friend about it? He's been living there for a year anyway, between the two of them haven't they saved enough money to get their own place yet?

 

[Deleted member 2809]

my best friend since high school wanted to move closer to us but didn't have enough to afford his own place. As he and I have a long history together, my wife and I didn't hesitate to offer him a room in our house for a small amount of rent. He also asked if it was ok that his girlfriend came along, and we said that it was fine at the time as she seemed nice.

Click to shrink...

This is just too fucking weird and surreal for me.
Tell him to dump her or find his own place.

 

[pokeystaples]

I usually just tell my best friend about stuff. I try to do it nicely, but we've got 20+ years under our belts.

 

[Manmademan]

Yeah you messed up here. Living together and moving in can wreck friendships in the best of situations. Inviting along a woman you didnt know as a "package deal" to help your friend was almost certainly going to end up a disaster.

Just because you like him doesn't mean you owe her anything. The way she's behaving it's time for her to hit the road.

Clearly the intent wasn't for your friend to live there indefinitely, so sit him down and negotiate a move out date. This should be happening regardless. In the meantime he and his woman can start cooking for themselves. They're adults not your children.

 

[GodofWine]

Hi might be happy with her, I wouldn't tell him not to be, BUT I would tell him you guys are starting to tire of the living arraignment, and want 'your space' back (its your house, visitors eventually will drive you nuts), I mean, you can't even walk around in your underwear in your own house (for example).

Give them a firm deadline to establish themselves out of your house, but give them like 3-6 months, BUT ITS FIRM. They couldn't be thinking they can just live with you forever, so it shouldn't surprise them too much.

(not serious suggestion) - just lie, tell them yous are pregnant and you need that room back (Shitty Life Pro Tip!)

 

[Pal]

You need to speak up. He's your best friend. I understand this is a tough situation, but don't let it stop you from telling him what you think of her. Just be sure to explain this has nothing to do with him, but only with her. Explain that you absolutely accept the fact that he has every right to stay with her, that you won't interfere about his relationship, that your friendship is still as strong as ever, but that you and your girlfriend simply have enough of otter living in your house. This is your habitation. You already helped him for more than a year. It's time they find their own place.

 

[Smurf]

Telling him to dump his girlfriend will be a sure way to end your friendship.

Tell him he needs to move out, how you're feeling the house is too crowded and this was only meant to be a temporary solution. Even offer to help him find a place he can afford and etc. Be firm that you think it's time for him to move on, but also don't rush him and try to come with a plan together.

 

[Z-Beat]

Friends are bad at recognizing when their SO's are assholes to everyone but them. As the best friend you're probably the one in the best position to let him know

 

[Vire]

If it's a best friend I would gladly tell them their SO is an asshole.

 

[Deleted member 5764]

Telling him to dump his girlfriend will be a sure way to end your friendship.

Tell him he needs to move out, how you're feeling the house is too crowded and this was only meant to be a temporary solution. Even offer to help him find a place he can afford and etc. Be firm that you think it's time for him to move on, but also don't rush him and try to come with a plan together.

Click to shrink...

Hi might be happy with her, I wouldn't tell him not to be, BUT I would tell him you guys are starting to tire of the living arraignment, and want 'your space' back (its your house, visitors eventually will drive you nuts), I mean, you can't even walk around in your underwear in your own house (for example).

Give them a firm deadline to establish themselves out of your house, but give them like 3-6 months, BUT ITS FIRM. They couldn't be thinking they can just live with you forever, so it shouldn't surprise them too much.

(not serious suggestion) - just lie, tell them yous are pregnant and you need that room back (Shitty Life Pro Tip!)

Click to shrink...

Just added more detail about this to OP. Seems I forgot to add that they are planning on moving out at the end of this month. If they weren't, I'd have no doubts about telling him fully how we feel about her so that they find their own place. As it is, I'm more conflicted because we won't have to be around "otter" for much longer. I just would feel weird if they move out and he realizes he feels the same way about her while they're living on their own. I kind of don't want to be the friend that then says "yeah, we already felt that way about her but didn't say anything".

 

[yado]

If they're moving in a month then it sounds like the problem is sorting itself out?

 

[Mr Jones]

Was the plan for your friend to live there temporarily? If so, there's your out. There's nothing wrong with saying that you're looking to regain your space, and enjoy the privacy of just living with your wife. Plan out a move out date, hopefully no more than a couple months, and you're good.

If you weren't planning for your buddy to move out, you have a harder situation. However, if this dude is your best friend, you're gonna need to communicate with him. This is gonna sound dudebro-ish, but don't let chicks destroy your friendship. Let him know that you're glad you were able to help him out for a year, but you need your place back. Hug it out, and be excellent to each other. You got this, man.

EDIT: Oh dude that's a HUGE omission.

That's his girl, dude. You don't have to be compatible with her crazy. Just him. Let him figure that out. You can say she wasn't exactly your favorite of all of his girlfriends, but if he's happy with her, that's that.

 

[Wooden Robot]

I'd just let it go at this point, all you have to do is put up with her for a month and then you hopefully you can see him devoid of her presence. Since she doesn't leave the house much hopefully she wouldn't leave hers either. Personally I wouldn't tell him how much she got on my nerves, especially at this point.
Honestly some of this is on your friend, he should have talked to her especially when he saw her remark on and threw away a plate of your food.

 

[marrec]

Living together with someone you didn't previously know for a year can make any small character flaws magnify into something that can seem more terrific and awful than it actually is.

How you feel about her once she moves out shouldn't be something you make a point of contention with your friend. She doesn't seem to be abusive toward him and her being picky about food doesn't mean they need to end their relationship. You may think she brings out the worst in him but your perspective could be skewed by the living situation.

The best thing you can do is be supportive once they move out and if you don't like "otter" then try to limit your contact.

 

[Silvergun-Blue]

Reading that last part I would suggest you bite your tongues for a couple of weeks more and then she'll be out of your hair, you've managed this far.
I would avoid trying to tell him what you really feel about her out of guilt, he chose her so unless there's obvious signs of domestic abuse you'll just have to go on the assumption that he's happy with her. I know it can be difficult to see a close friend being with somebody who you think isn't good enough for them but you need to realize your approval isn't important.

 

[Vincent Grayson]

If they're moving out, I wouldn't make a thing of it. People can get annoying in those kinds of close quarters, and you're probably more bothered by her than you will be when you don't live together.

If, after they're out, you still really feel like there's something that needs to be said, sure, say it. But don't expect a good reception, as people rarely respond well to this stuff, and only end up agreeing in hindsight ("Oh yeah, she really was toxic" or whatever).

 

[Dan]

hi OP. Sounds like the solution here has already been found - they're moving out, and for the sake of your friendship with your friend, they need to go asap.

I would focus after on your friendship with him only, trying to avoid any social engagements with his other half.

 

[I Don't Like]

Your friend and his girlfriend together couldn't afford anything? I don't understand why people agree to have two other adults living with them like this. The story always ends the same.

 

[Ramala]

Thread title is absolutely getting made as a romantic comedy at some point. Probably a Judd Apatow joint.

 

[radioactivez0r]

I've been in a relationship where everyone but me can see that it's bad, and the SO is a problem. My friends didn't want to interfere, but they worried. My family tried to be direct but polite about things. In the end, none of it really sank in until I saw the problems myself. In hindsight, do I wish my closest friends had been more upfront with me? Maybe - I trust their judgment, but I was way too deep to see that they might have a point, so it could have made things worse.

Initially I was on the "you should say something" train, but I think the best move is to just be available as a friend if/when it deteriorates and he needs someone to talk to.

 

[GodofWine]

Just added more detail about this to OP. Seems I forgot to add that they are planning on moving out at the end of this month. If they weren't, I'd have no doubts about telling him fully how we feel about her so that they find their own place. As it is, I'm more conflicted because we won't have to be around "otter" for much longer. I just would feel weird if they move out and he realizes he feels the same way about her while they're living on their own. I kind of don't want to be the friend that then says "yeah, we already felt that way about her but didn't say anything".

Click to shrink...

In that case, I'd say nothing until they are living on their own for a few months...maybe she feels out of place in your house, and its dragging on her. A few months after they move out, ask him "how you guys making out on your own", and then try to feel your way into that line of questioning.

The current situation is ideal for no one, so id say wait till everyone is in their 'natural habitat' for a bit

 

[Deleted member 5764]

Thanks for the responses all! I'm definitely feeling more comfortable with not having said anything then. I think I'll take the solid advice here and just stay quiet and see where things go. Try to avoid contact with otter where I can once they move out. Thanks again.

 

[Deleted member 8561]

Telling him his gf is a lazy asshole isn't really going to go over well.

If he doesn't see that part of her now, and he does later when he moves in with her and things fall apart, just have a laugh about it down the road.

 

[Dragoon]

Isn't the whole point of having a best friend to tell them the uncomfortable truth? Saying that, it might end in a disaster.

 

[Deleted member 16657]

"On numerous occasions we've made dinner for the two of them, only to have her passively say "I don't like ingredient X" of a dish she had already put a heaping helping of on her plate. Said food then gets thrown out"

I've fucking seen this before. Why is this a thing?

 

[marrec]

"On numerous occasions we've made dinner for the two of them, only to have her passively say "I don't like ingredient X" of a dish she had already put a heaping helping of on her plate. Said food then gets thrown out"

I've fucking seen this before. Why is this a thing?

Click to shrink...

Because some people don't like specific things in their food, we call them picky eaters.

 

[Deleted member 47843]

That's a tough situation. If they weren't living with you, I'd probably suggest just not saying anything as people don't tend to take comments about their SO or their relationships in general well. No one likes unsolicited advice.

But they are living with you and it's your house/home and you and your wife should be able to enjoy it. But they're leaving in a month anyway, so as long as they stick to that I'd just let it be. Not worth risking damaging the friendship. If they aren't good together your friend will figure it out sooner or later and you and your wife can avoid "otter" now.

Because some people don't like specific things in their food, we call them picky eaters.

Click to shrink...

I think the point was more why take a "heaping plate" of stuff if you're a picky eater. Take a smaller portion and if you like it go get more.

 

[Ultima_5]

dont tell your friend who to date, its just a recipe for trouble.

if theyre moving out in a few weeks, just wait it out.

 

[Casualcore]

I would only talk to my friend about it in that situation if I was concerned for my friend's future. I remember a friend asking me if I was sure about a guy I was moving in with, and it was alright, because I knew he was speaking from a place of love and concern. It probably helped that he didn't go into any details, just an open-ended question. I wouldn't put it in the top 10 conversations of my life, but we were still good friends. While she brings out the worst in him, if he seems okay with that, don't bother. After all, they've been together over a year now. Unless this is his first serious relationship, he'd have dumped her already if he wanted to.