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Can anyone please calm me down?

MrConbon210

MrConbon210

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,314
So around 10pm I told my boyfriend I was sleeping and going to bed. He said he was sleepy as well and was going to do the same.

Log onto Snapchat and see him hanging out with some work buddies at a friend’s apartment at around midnight. Now I’m worried because I thought he was going to bed and now I’m assuming the worst since he won’t pick up his phone.

I don’t want to seem overly clingy but I get super anxious not knowing that he’s home. Obviously he doesn’t have to tell me very detail of his current location but when I assume he’s in bed and he’s suddenly not I just worry.

It’s currently 2am here now and I’m honestly really anxious and hope he’s okay.
 
lenovox1

lenovox1

Member
Oct 26, 2017
6,577
If he was drunk, he may have gone to sleep at the friend's house.

As it's 2AM, wait until later in the morning before following up.
 
Viewt

Viewt

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,897
Chicago, IL
He probably just assumes you’re sleeping (which you said you were doing), so he didn’t want to wake you up with an update. Maybe he was going to bed, but then got this invite and decided to go with it. If he’s posting on Snapchat, he’s fine.
 
AcidCat

AcidCat

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,410
Bellingham WA
He's fine! But your feelings are legit, depending how serious you two are, yeah you would expect some honesty even if nothing iffy is going on. Sometimes especially when you are young it's tought NOT to be "clingy" sometimes, people exploring their personal space is part of any relationship.
 
Elderly Parrot

Elderly Parrot

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
Banned
Aug 13, 2018
3,146
OP don’t worry his friends prob pulled him out and convinced him to come last second and it’s really nothing. Happens to all of us. Plus Hagrid’s Motorbike is opening this week
 
OP
OP
MrConbon210

MrConbon210

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,314
AcidCat said:
He's fine! But your feelings are legit, depending how serious you two are, yeah you would expect some honesty even if nothing iffy is going on. Sometimes especially when you are young it's tought NOT to be "clingy" sometimes, people exploring their personal space is part of any relationship.
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He’s definitely an introvert and has a hard time expressing his he feels. Recently he didn’t got a promotion at his work which he was easily the most qualified candidate for so he’s been on edge the past week or so.
 
AcidCat

AcidCat

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
1,410
Bellingham WA
Hmm, if I was you I wouldn't make an issue of it then, you don't want to add to his stress. In any relationship you have to "pick your battles" and let small stuff slide - unless this kind of thing becomes a trend of course or he blatantly lies to you. Best thing is just try to get some sleep, see how things are in the light of day tomorrow.
 
OP
OP
MrConbon210

MrConbon210

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,314
AcidCat said:
Hmm, if I was you I wouldn't make an issue of it then, you don't want to add to his stress. In any relationship you have to "pick your battles" and let small stuff slide - unless this kind of thing becomes a trend of course or he blatantly lies to you. Best thing is just try to get some sleep, see how things are in the light of day tomorrow.
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E3 conferences kick off tomorrow!
 
Cantaim

Cantaim

Member
Oct 25, 2017
19,579
Assuming Direct Cringe
Don't worry about it man. He was probably going to go to sleep then got a last minute call from his mates right after he was done talking to you with an offer to hang. He took it and he just doesn't have the time to give you a call right now. Or he is just passed out drunk on a couch. Just calm down and remember that reality is often more boring then the stories we make up in our heads.
 
Mariolee

Mariolee

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
8,186
Viewt said:
He probably just assumes you’re sleeping (which you said you were doing), so he didn’t want to wake you up with an update. Maybe he was going to bed, but then got this invite and decided to go with it. If he’s posting on Snapchat, he’s fine.
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This is it. If he was up to no good, he wouldn't broadcast it on Snapchat.

Ya good :)
 
oreomunsta

oreomunsta

One Winged Slayer
The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
3,646
OP, get your rest tonight. Talk to your boyfriend about it tomorrow, and come from the perspective that you were concerned about him. Good and honest communication is key
 
Pau

Pau

Self-Appointed Godmother of Bruce Wayne's Children
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,482
I get you OP. I get incredibly anxious about this type of stuff and my thoughts just get caught in a circle of terrible what ifs. What helps me calm down in the moment is taking a hot shower in the dark and trying to breathe slowly, then heading off to sleep.

If this is a typical thing, I have two long term recommendations.

1. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Let him know how bad the anxiety is. I think it's really helpful for him to know where it's coming from. My partner knows it's irrational, knows where it stems from, and does a good job of keeping it in mind. It's not a house rule that I must know where he is at every minute, but he knows I really appreciate knowing that he's somewhere safe at the end of the day.

2. Talk to a therapist and psychiatrist. Taking anxiety medication helped me not get caught in the loop or get out of it quicker. Talking to a therapist helped me realize why I have these thoughts and that it's not my fault. I honestly should go back and really do something like Cognitive Based Therapy because I find myself getting into the loop it every now and again. But it's not as bad as when I was a kid and would start crying and seriously believe that my loved ones were dead.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and I hope you find a way get a handle on it. Our brains can be a pain sometimes. :(
 
OP
OP
MrConbon210

MrConbon210

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,314
Pau said:
I get you OP. I get incredibly anxious about this type of stuff and my thoughts just get caught in a circle of terrible what ifs. What helps me calm down in the moment is taking a hot shower in the dark and trying to breathe slowly, then heading off to sleep.

If this is a typical thing, I have two long term recommendations.

1. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Let him know how bad the anxiety is. I think it's really helpful for him to know where it's coming from. My partner knows it's irrational, knows where it stems from, and does a good job of keeping it in mind. It's not a house rule that I must know where he is at every minute, but he knows I really appreciate knowing that he's somewhere safe at the end of the day.

2. Talk to a therapist and psychiatrist. Taking anxiety medication helped me not get caught in the loop or get out of it quicker. Talking to a therapist helped me realize why I have these thoughts and that it's not my fault. I honestly should go back and really do something like Cognitive Based Therapy because I find myself getting into the loop it every now and again. But it's not as bad as when I was a kid and would start crying and seriously believe that my loved ones were dead.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and I hope you find a way get a handle on it. Our brains can be a pain sometimes. :(
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I’m more worried at this point that he’s gonna be mad for calling him twice at 2am and freaking out for him hanging out with friends, which really isn’t the problem. It’s just I’d like to sleep knowing that he’s safe. But I feel like I’m coming off as clingy, which he’s said before.
 
Pau

Pau

Self-Appointed Godmother of Bruce Wayne's Children
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,482
MrConbon210 said:
I’m more worried at this point that he’s gonna be mad for calling him twice at 2am and freaking out for him hanging out with friends, which really isn’t the problem. It’s just I’d like to sleep knowing that he’s safe. But I feel like I’m coming off as clingy, which he’s said before.
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Is this something you think will happen again?
 
Pau

Pau

Self-Appointed Godmother of Bruce Wayne's Children
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,482
MrConbon210 said:
Probably since it happened 2 weeks ago too.
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In that case it sounds like, at least in the moment, the fear of him not being okay overrides the fear of him thinking you're clingy. And yeah, it is clingy, but I think it helps to admit that it's irrational. And to try to work on a solution that satisfies both of you.
 
OP
OP
MrConbon210

MrConbon210

Member
Oct 31, 2017
6,314
Pau said:
In that case it sounds like, at least in the moment, the fear of him not being okay overrides the fear of him thinking you're clingy. And yeah, it is clingy, but I think it helps to admit that it's irrational. And to try to work on a solution that satisfies both of you.
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Last time he was still up by the time I texted him. This is the first time I haven’t gotten a response.
 
Avitus

Avitus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,246
MrConbon210 said:
Last time he was still up by the time I texted him. This is the first time I haven’t gotten a response.
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Any number of things could have happened that aren't catastrophic, like no charge on a phone or he simply fell asleep. Just let the anxiety wash over you and then pass. Stop assuming the worst.

It's one thing to make sure someone gets home safe, but you also have to trust that they are an adult and can handle things. You're being way too clingy. It will eventually drive him away.
 
Richter1887

Richter1887

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
30,863
No need to overthink this, he was probably sleepy but got better after his friends dragged him out. It happens.
 
Toddhunter

Toddhunter

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
3,695
It works like this:

"I'm going to bed"
messages start
"Come out"
"No fuck off"
"Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
"No fuck off, I'm sleepy"
"Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
"FFS ok but just for a little bit"

I've gone out tonnes of times when I just wanted to go to bed. It is called "making an effort" and it is almost always a dumb thing to do. When you stop going out, it is called becoming boring.

It is part of the circle of life.
 
Powdered Egg

Powdered Egg

Member
Oct 27, 2017
15,405
Go to the local park and shoot free throws. Make 100 of them and when you go back home your boyfriend will be back.
 

Adventureracing

The Fallen
Nov 7, 2017
5,047
MrConbon210 said:
So why did he lie and say he was sleepy?
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Probably because he thought that way you would go to sleep instead of staying up worrying about what he’s doing?

He shouldn’t be lying about things like this but that often happens when someone feels like their partner is being too clingy. I had an unhealthy relationship with an ex who would freak out that I was cheating if she didn’t know my exact whereabouts every second of the day. Eventually it got to the point where i would do exactly what your partner did here and just lie.

It was obviously a wrong thing to do and just made things worse but it was a symptom of a generally unhealthy relationship. You really need to talk to him about your anxiety and work something out.
 
DWaM

DWaM

Member
May 31, 2019
19
I really think some people in this thread are being unfair to the OP. They expressed an anxiety -- the ultimate explantion for what the boyfriend did is likely perfectly harmless, yes -- but it's unfair to make assumptions about them or their relationship based on this alone, and call them clingy or whatever. If they're inexperienced with relationships, if they've grown accustomed to having their SO acting in a certain way, if they just haven't had the opportunity to experience or considered these small white lies happen, how sometimes one needs personal space, if the OP in general often experiences anxiety -- those are all perfectly alternative explanations for why they're asking for help here. People need time to get a hang of it.

I'm certain that once OP and their boyfriend just talk about it, it'll be patched out. If any boundaries need to be set or any some major revalations about the relationship need to be addressed, they'll be done there. But it's not fair to openly speculate about it like this with literally nothing besides "hey, I think my boyfriend might've lied to me and I feel anxious."
 
RolandOfGilead

RolandOfGilead

Member
Mar 18, 2018
2,828
MrConbon210 said:
So why did he lie and say he was sleepy?
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Maybe because you can be clingy?

Years ago I had a girlfriend that was like this, every time I went out without her she would be constantly texting/calling and getting herself worked up about what I was up to. In the end I would just not tell her what I was doing as it seemed easier on both of us that way.

I talked to her about it which made no difference so I ended it.

Or he was invited out after he spoke to you.
 
Dirt McGirt

Dirt McGirt

Avenger
Oct 29, 2017
2,631
I don't understand, what exactly do you worry about? Him cheating? Him getting mugged late at night? Alien abduction? You got anxious because he changed his plans but what exactly are you anxious about?
 
Wackamole

Wackamole

Member
Oct 27, 2017
14,610
You're doomed. Telling silly lies because he's already too afraid to tell you he's simply hanging out with friends.

Anyway, i don't think you're concerned with his "safety".
 
Casualcore

Casualcore

Member
Jul 25, 2018
713
I imagine it's not dissimilar to your evening, in that you went to bed, jumped online, and then found you couldn't sleep. It's not impossible he lied, but if he's had recent anxiety, it's very possible that despite being tired, he couldn't nod off. That's how I am when I've been anxious. I've been married to an anxious, introverted person for years, and it takes time, but you eventually make peace with not being able to help all the time. Our compromise is, they have sworn to be truthful about how they feel and I've sworn to always give it my all to give them space when they ask for it. I'm not going to ask the impossible and say not to ever worry about him, but try to take care of yourself, too. You'll both benefit. Hope you got some sleep!
 
Zhukov

Zhukov

Banned
Dec 6, 2017
2,641
MrConbon210 said:
So why did he lie and say he was sleepy?
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He was sleepy.

Then a friend called and said, "Hey come over." And he said, "No, I'm sleepy". And they said, "Don't be boring, come over, we'll get you a coffee" And he said, "Okay, fine, I'm coming."

And he didn't tell you because he thought you were asleep because you said you were even though you were actually browsing Snapchat, you lying liar you.

What exactly are you worried about? You know where he is and what he's doing.

If it's a trust thing then it sounds like you two need to talk.
 
PoppaBK

PoppaBK

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,128
MrConbon210 said:
So why did he lie and say he was sleepy?
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I mean it's possible it wasn't a lie at the time. It's also possible that your clingy behaviour in the past made him worry that if he said he was gonna go hang out with his friends you would be worrying about him all night and not getting the sleep you need plus be bothering him all night.
If you want him to be honest with you, you are going to have to deal with your own issues either alone or together, or it is only going to get worse for both of you.
 
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Gunny T Highway

Gunny T Highway

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 27, 2017
9,252
Canada
It seems you are overprotective of him over something minor. He told you he was sleepy. After that he got a text from some friends. Since he felt you went to bed he decided to not worry you and went out. I think your behavior says more about you than him. You two need to talk.
 
MiHighGator

MiHighGator

Member
Nov 8, 2018
1,616
MrConbon210 said:
It’s just I’d like to sleep knowing that he’s safe. But I feel like I’m coming off as clingy, which he’s said before.
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Is this concern really only about his safety? That sort of seems like a lie you're telling to yourself and to us. What is so inherently unsafe about him hanging out at a friend's apartment that causes you to get so anxious that you can't sleep and have to call him multiple times?
 
FreeMufasa

FreeMufasa

Member
Oct 31, 2017
1,219
Wackamole said:
You're doomed. Telling silly lies because he's already too afraid to tell you he's simply hanging out with friends.

Anyway, i don't think you're concerned with his "safety".
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Yeah I've noticed people who are clingy/easily jealous frame their behavior as worry for the person's safety. No need to add lying to yourself on top of your partners deciet.
 
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