Can men experiment with other men without it defining their sexuality? Logically yes, societally no it seems

[digit_zero]

I feel like this poll is missing an option:

• I identify as straight and have NOT had same-sex experience, and am not open to it but doing so would not change my identity

As it stands, the poll options seem to suggest the only reason you wouldn't be open to a same-sex experience is because you are afraid of how it'd impact your identity.

 

[nitewulf]

I think sexuality is pretty fluid, we just act in certain strict ways due to societal expectations. Obviously people are gay, bi or straight (or none of the above), but within those bounds I think there is a lot of fluidity which most men would not admit to.

 

[Deleted member 31092]

I feel like this poll is missing an option:

• I identify as straight and have NOT had same-sex experience, and am not open to it but doing so would not change my identity

As it stands, the poll options seem to suggest the only reason you wouldn't be open to a same-sex experience is because you are afraid of how it'd impact your identity.

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Yeah this.

 

[Boiled Goose]

There are definitely stigmas agaisnt bisexuality in males.

I think if you are interested in exploring, you are probably somewhere in the spectrum.

I think the problem is the stigma, not the definition.

 

[McScroggz]

You are right. What you are defined as is based on who you are in the moment. You might think you are completely straight, but something happens and you have a sexual encounter with the same sex and now you think you are gay. Then you might feel you don't view yourself as the same gender that society does, and if it's to the point where you change the gender you go by and what you want others to treat you as are you back to being straight?

Really, there's both too much of a focus on trying to find the right label for every situation, as well as too much social stigma for anything unorthodox. I'm a straight white guy who is comfortable in my sexuality, but if I were different and felt compelled to try something with another guy that wouldn't somehow brand me for the rest of my life. Even if I went through a "phase" where for a few years a dated guys if afterwards I came to the conclusion I wasn't gay, well then it's prettu straightforward.

It is interesting how girls experimenting is socially pretty acceptable but for guys it isn't. I have to think part of the root cause is the patriarchal society and the power that men still have.

 

[Patsy]

Sexuality isn't fluid for everyone. I'm not a straight man so I can't answer the poll, but I'm a lesbian and I'd rather drop dead than do anything romantic/sexual with a man. Sure, I was in relationships with men before I realized I was a lesbian, but I also realized I was never really attracted to them and only felt forced to do so due to how heteronormative our society is (fuuuck comphet).

I wouldn't say experiencing makes someone instantly bi/pan & especially not gay, but if you're genuinely romantically/sexually attracted to other men as a straight man or men as a lesbian, you're sure as fuck anything but straight/a lesbian in my eyes. I honestly feel like there's just a lot of people out there who're scared to call themselves bi/pan due to internalized homophobia & biphobia.

But hey, some people just don't like labels which is totally fine! As someone who, for years, had a very rough time accepting myself and actually being proud of being a lesbian (mostly due to society being shit and getting threatened & assaulted by men who couldn't accept that I wasn't fucking attracted to them), there's nothing more freeing for myself than calling myself a lesbian though.

 

[Deleted member 279]

Im open minded and have understood sexuality being fluid since i was young, which in the context of being raised by latinos, is very forward even today.

With that said, Ive considered if i have any tingle when I think about guys and tbh I really think im 100% straight. The things that turn me on are exclusive to womens bodies, A muscly hairy man doesnt do it for me personally

 

[Klappdrachen]

Straight men in prisons often have sex with each other not because they're all gay obviously, but rather because it's the only way they can have sex at all (among other reasons). Likewise, gay people in countries where LGBT rights are nonexistent often have sex with the opposite sex, get married and have kids - that doesn't make them any less gay.

 

[SolidChamp]

The great thing about being a grown up is, it doesn't really matter. There's an entire subreddit for guys who like to jerk off with other guys while they look at straight porn. A lot of them won't identify as bi, and no one really cares. There's lots of prison sex between guys who all identify as straight.

Letting other people define you is dumb.

The poll is asking questions about people themselves. "Hey, if you tried sucking dick, would it change how you view yourself sexually?" Not, "if someone sucks a dick, are the automatically kicked out of the straight club". It doesn't really ask the question the thread is talking about.

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Ah okay. Thanks for clarifying.

 

[SolidChamp]

I have had a few experiences with straight guys (i'm gay), and i have never questioned their sexuality, cause it was never important to me. Everybody is different, and we don't need to define everyone by some stupid rules. Just be you, that's more then enough!

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This is a great post.

 

[Royalan]

Straight men in prisons often have sex with each other not because they're all gay obviously, but rather because it's the only way they can have sex at all. Likewise, gay people in countries where LGBT rights are nonexistent often have sex with the opposite sex, get married and have kids - that doesn't make them any less gay.

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This is true, but sexual dynamics between straight men in prison also have a lot to do with power dynamics, social hierarchies, and confined spaces.

 

[TheCthultist]

Or using straws.
Or eating a banana.
Or wiping their ass.

... I wish I was making these up.

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Never heard that third one before and now I'm horrified to even ask how/why that came up...

 

[Pelicano]

I feel like this poll is missing an option:

• I identify as straight and have NOT had same-sex experience, and am not open to it but doing so would not change my identity

As it stands, the poll options seem to suggest the only reason you wouldn't be open to a same-sex experience is because you are afraid of how it'd impact your identity.

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This is the option that I was looking for.

 

[RadioHeadAche]

Or using straws.
Or eating a banana.
Or wiping their ass.

... I wish I was making these up.

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No Nono nononononononononononono

 

[Klappdrachen]

This is true, but sexual dynamics between straight men in prison also have a lot to do with power dynamics, social hierarchies, and confined spaces.

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Correct, I should have clarified that the lack of women is not the sole factor. But my point is, there are many other reasons why men have sex with men besides them being attracted to them sexually/them identifying as gay. (Gay4Pay porn actors are another example).

 

[LuckyLocke]

Identity should not be defined by a sexual experience IMO. Identity is a choice you have to make for yourself.

That said I understand why most men do not go forward with sexual interaction with other men. There is this toxic masculinity that is omnipresent in our society and that's one big contributing factor.
But there's also a big difference in how men and women experience sex. Enjoyment of sex is a lot more physical for men than it is for women. I personally would not experience with men simply because I am not physically attracted to them whatsoever. One could say women can enjoy sexual attraction to the same sex more easily with the right mindset, as sex is more of a mental stimuli for them.

Of course there is mental stimuli for men and physical attraction for women, but all things are not equal for both sexes.

 

[sapien85]

Absolutely. Society has a long way to go before recognizing the fluidity of men's sexuality.

Relatedly, I was just talking to one of my old coworkers and she told me that she believes that men can only be straight or gay, not bi. She's a lesbian and is a proud supporter of the LGBT community, but she stands by the belief that "men's brains are different." Just goes to show that these beliefs are not just found in traditional homophobic circles.

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Oh yeah a lot of gay men think a man being bi is prelude to just being gay and only a transitory phase.

 

[Dr. Mario]

I am secure in identifying as straight to the point I don't like the term straight.

I think experimenting does not make you gay. Though perhaps up to a point you should probably self reflect if you're not letting society repress you. If the outcome is no, then more power to you.

I'm not really open to experimenting with men because I really don't find men physically attractive. Weirdly enough I can find a dick hot, just not everything surrounding it. Whether that's nature or socialized masculinity who knows. I guess I'd be open to experimenting with a hot feminine looking pre-op MTF transitioning person? My wife wouldn't and I'm not chomping at the bits either so it's pretty moot.

 

[krazen]

Its always weird to me. Society is like "You're a MAN. You need to be FUCKING as much as possible .....butonlyinheteronormativeways".

 

[Dullahan]

I had to vote 3rd option, but it really should say "would not change" my identity. Seriously.

 

[Royalan]

Oh yeah a lot of gay men think a man being bi is prelude to just being gay and only a transitory phase.

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I mean...yes and no?

It's not that gay men don't think bisexuality is a real thing. I wouldn't say that's true.

It's just that it's a natural phenomenon that a lot of gay men, unsure of their own sexuality and even more unsure of how it will be received among their peers, tend to come out as bi first. So this tends to have a "muddying the waters" effect.

Still, the obvious solution here is to just believe what people tell you when they tell it to you.

 

[Gakidou]

Most of the double standards in men and women are rooted in an idea of male supremacy (which creates toxic masculinity)
Male sexuality is essentially more gatekept as long as masculine identity is seen at the top of this imaginary social hierarchy. As homosexuality has become more socially accepted it's getting gatekept too. On the one hand, people are trying to prevent others from claiming straight or gay identity based on their sexual history, and on the other people are denying the existence of bisexual men! Frustrating. I think men will find the freedom they deserve when male sexuality stops getting put on a pedestal that encourages people to try and dictate what it is and isn't without actually listening to all the experiences of real men. I think if you want to make change, try not to perpetuate stereotypes and project all over people when it's time to listen to their experiences and assume they understand themselves better than you.

I'm definitely a firm believer that you decide your own sexual labels and identity. It's called "sexual PREFERENCE" not "sexual HISTORY".

Also sorry, I have not done any of the above options "as a straight man" :p

 

[Unaha-Closp]

I gave it a go one drunken night with a gay friend. He was down for a snog and he wanted to do more but it wasn't for me. Never had any problem telling anyone about it not that it comes up often. Did meet some people, long unseen, from back then who just thought I was Bi so I guess it came out and people had an opinion on it? Makes no odds to me if they think I am gay or bi or straight or anything else.

 

[Geist]

Sometimes I wish I was attracted to men. I honestly get along better with my gay and female friends better than my straight Male friends. And I really like gay culture.

But I just don't like penises. :-/

Still, everyone should know about the different spectrums of sexuality and we should definitely be trying to raise awareness however we can.

 

[Klappdrachen]

Makes no odds to me if they think I am gay or bi or straight or anything else.

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I wish I had your confidence.

 

[Deleted member 925]

Wouldn't this just make him bi? Part of me side eyes the "identifies as straight", giving me a "he sounds like he's just afraid of being something other than straight publicly" feeling. I don't know him personally obviously and he should do what he wants, I just hope he's not lying to himself or others.

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No, he's not bi. We had many discussions about this and I eventually realized it's inappropriate for me to question him on it. He told me I'm the only guy he's ever really been attracted to enough to do anything with. It was a fun time and exploring with a guy that who didn't know much about gay sex was fun. but I've known him since 1999, he's straight.

There are quite a few reddit groups of straight men who enjoy either looking at guys or doing things like jerking off with other guys, not much else. These guys identify as straight. And I've had other experiences with guys who identify as straight other than my buddy that I've been speaking about. It's really not that big of a deal.

 

[Tygre]

Sorry if I come off as ignorant, but how does this specific example work?

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Gay men "trapped" in a marriages of convenience. Gay men in repressive societies. Gay men with no access to other men who are nevertheless horny as fuck and have a willing partner in front of them.

Maybe I'm just making too many assumptions or your sentence would need more qualifiers, but if you exclusively have sex with women, and assuming you're also only attracted to women both physically and romantically, how could you self-identify as gay?

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You're making too many assumptions. Plenty of people do plenty of things they don't enjoy. Sometimes I walk to work in the rain without an umbrella.

Like, how could I, for instance, self-identify as gay? All my romantic/sexual interests have always been women, never men (and, while it could always change, I don't see it change any time soon honestly, if ever). Plus, as far as I can tell, most of my behaviors are not coded gay by the society I live in (or by American society either, I'd wager). How could I "feel" gay in any way?

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I'm not saying you could, I'm saying others do.

There are many, many "straight acting" gay men, gay men still in the closet, gay men in denial. If one day they finally come to accept themselves as gay, they don't have to go out and fuck a guy to be gay. Their self identification is all that's required.

You say it's a mish-mash of biology and sociology, and you're absolutely right - based on my limited understanding of these subjects anyway - but what would be the biological and/or sociological grounds for self-identifying as gay in this case? Would I even have the "right" (so to speak... I don't mean legally obviously) to call myself gay? Isn't there a point where this becomes factually untrue/misguided?

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Self identification does not have to be honest. But if you lie to yourself, or lie about yourself to deceive others, it doesn't change who you actually are.

Also, the whole "lying about what you identify as" is pretty much the root of all transphobia / homophobia. I'm not accusing you of this in any way, but it's the same thought process that takes you down those dark roads.

"You're not really X! You're just lying about saying you're X so you get to do Y!"

 

[Nothing Loud]

I consider myself bi even though ive only ever had sex with my current same sex partner, my husband. Your identity doesn't have to be defined by who you actually fuck or are married to.

 

[Kinggroin]

If I did it, it'd be because I'm wanting to explore something that explicitly arouses me. I'd be, at the very least, bisexual.

I don't ever want to try, because the thought does nothing to arouse me (kind of the opposite in fact).

*shrug*

 

[Swimble_87]

Bit of a funny topic for me - always identified as straight, only ever been attracted to women and only ever had an emotional attachment to women.

That said, through "exploring" porn over the years I have found one or two male-to-male activities that have done it for me and aroused "curiosity" (and I have been able to get off to it) - but as I said, never been attracted to another male in the outside world and don't feel particularly fussed about the idea either. It's a funny one! Bi-curious maybe if I have to apply a label?

 

[skeezx]

growing up when everybody was reaching puberty like every boy in the neighborhood experimented with other boys, then they just went on to whatever orientation (i'd say equal split between gay/straight)

since then i always assumed everybody has some kind of bi/curious basis and that grows into whatever it grows into. surely for some that extends into adulthood, but whether i'd consider them anything beyond curious, don't know. above my paygrade i guess

 

[bye]

I feel like there arent enough options.

I think it's possible for a straight male to choose to have a same-sex experiences without actually having an attraction to males. In these instances, their identity would differ from their sexual orientation. Some sex workers do this, for example.

But i can't help but feel that, generally, if someone had the desire to experiment with the same sex for the purpose of pleasure, this person isn't straight. Maybe they fall somewhere else on a spectrum of sexuality.

But seeing as I'm straight and have no desire to ever have a same-sex experience I can't offer much perspective, so I might be wrong as fuck

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TBH, a person who has multiple same-sex experiences for pleasure and continues to define themselves as "straight", is letting their perspective of themselves be influenced by societal pressure and homophobia. I agree with "only you can define your sexuality" but what I think people miss in that statement is that "only you" also means without outside forces influencing your determination.

 

[Golden]

I'm not attracted to men and therefore I've never had the slightest interest in fucking one.

I have been in the vicinity of objectively attractive naked men countless times, in gyms, changing rooms etc and it doesn't catch my Interest. I know if I was encountering hot naked women in the same circumstances it would be hard to avoid getting at least a semi. There is some base level biological mechanisms involved.

Surely someone had to be at least bisexual to be able to get 'aroused' by a same sex relationship?

 

[ItsBobbyDarin]

I have no intention of putting my penis in someone's ass, neither in mine. I don't find men arousing, I find them disgusting.
I have kissed another man though. Mostly for fun and experiment when I was younger, and it was not something I liked.

 

[Trice]

I'm not attracted to men or penises.

 

[moonsofvenus_]

sexuality is very, very, VERY fluid and the only thing that stops men from being able to experiment the way girls can(in a high school setting anyway) is toxic masculinity. i mean, the amount of things cis men won't do because of toxic masculinity and thinking it makes them "gay" is baffling, tbh.

but yes, men can definitely experiment with other men without it defining their sexuality. thats the point of experimentation.

 

[Golden]

growing up when everybody was reaching puberty like every boy in the neighborhood experimented with other boys, then they just went on to whatever orientation (i'd say equal split between gay/straight)

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It is extremely unusual that 50% of the guys in your neighbourhood ended up being gay. Normal estimates are a tenth of that. It may have influenced the degree of experimentation that was popular in your neighbourhood!

 

[Deleted member 2226]

You can be curious, try something, and realize it isn't for you. If that happens, I don't think there's any reason to identify differently. If you find that you're into it after all, then I don't see the point in continuing to call yourself straight.

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Yeah I feel like having a queer sexual experience doesn't make you queer necessarily (realized it wasn't for you yards yadda(, but then there's the "men who have sex with men" category who identify as straight and I call shenanigans on that personal classification .

 

[Baron Von Beans]

I am straight, but I have kissed a man before. Guy wasn't the most handsome person to me, but he was genuinely nice and funny. He asked for a hug, which I happily obliged. Then he asked for a kiss, so I said sure why not, I'll give it a shot. Wasnt a great kiss, but I wasn't repulsed by it or anything. If the opportunity arises again in the future, I probably would try again, but I'm not going out looking, or trying to find that magic kiss. It did not turn me on, or off; it was a very neutral experience.

 

[Mulciber]

Like others have said, I'm the missing option of "I identify as straight and have NOT had same-sex experience, and am not open to it, but doing so would not change my identity."

I'm just not attracted to men at all. Zero. If I were an actor, I'd have difficulty kissing a guy for a part. But I think people should by and large be able to define their sexuality, and experimenting doesn't somehow magically change that.

 

[Kinggroin]

growing up when everybody was reaching puberty like every boy in the neighborhood experimented with other boys, then they just went on to whatever orientation (i'd say equal split between gay/straight)

since then i always assumed everybody has some kind of bi/curious basis and that grows into whatever it grows into. surely for some that extends into adulthood, but whether i'd consider them anything beyond curious, don't know. above my paygrade i guess

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Where did you grow up? That level of experimentation was certainly not the experience I observed in my own neighborhood (Queensbridge, NY)

 

[ace3skoot]

Are you attracted to men? Yes then your not straight, you might not be gay but your not straight, but all this language is pretty arbitrary anyway in an ideal world you shouldn't have to care about the label all that should matter is if you fancy someone and if or not they feel the same way

 

[skeezx]

Where did you grow up? That level of experimentation was certainly not the experience I observed in my own neighborhood (Queensbridge, NY)

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Texas, but mixed class/race suburbia. so probably not what most would typify as "the south"

i think it's pretty common just nobody really talks about it or forgets it. though in my case a lot of is probably coincidental, just so happened that much of the neighborhood clique grew up to be/were gay

 

[Clefargle]

Wouldn't this just make him bi? Part of me side eyes the "identifies as straight", giving me a "he sounds like he's just afraid of being something other than straight publicly" feeling. I don't know him personally obviously and he should do what he wants, I just hope he's not lying to himself or others.

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Yeah I wish more "experimental" or straight* guys that don't want to identify as gay would just use the Bi label. Bi people have a visibility issue within and without the LGBT community.