Can't believe I'm making one of these threads but I've just had it Era and I don

CoolestSpot

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
14,928
I'm just another broken asshole ERA, that's all. Let's call this story 'Been Down', feels right all things considered haha

My life has crumbled in the last couple of years; maybe even the last decade. Lost my ability to trust or be comfortable around acquaintances, close friends... it wasn't long before I couldn't even get a sentence out to the people at work because my anxiety had just flown right off the charts. It's rooted in my childhood, bc of course it is, years of being bullied and then sidelined and made to feel invisible has left me with massive trust issues. Follows me into adulthood with an increasingly out-of-control weed habit.... followed by a codeine habit...it was just numbing me. Social to begin with, then it became a burden to see people as I would feel deep panic setting in and it was humiliating for me to experience that around these confident, outgoing people who are supposed to be my best friends. Slowly my walls got higher and higher, I became more and more distant, more and more insular....unable to sleep for the constant insomnia, unable to eat properly because of bulimia. Just out of fuckin control with no way to assert authority over my own life and regain the wheel because it was all just too much. I became manically overconfident in my skills; writing, music, comedy in spite of a complete lack of vision for how to execute these actual career paths or goals. They were just keeping me buoyant. I still haven't let go.... I'm twenty-eight and lacking in a vision for my life that I truly care about. I'm three years deep into an English degree and I still don't know where the fuck it's going to land me. I had worked menial jobs for so long just to dig myself out of fuckin weed debt...

Despite my life becoming quiet throughout all this I was able to stay relatively open and honest with my ailing father, who supported me no matter what. He had my back, gave me emotional support, we would speak all night sometimes, even when he had to move away for treatment in England. He was my rock; perhaps my only real rock. Well you know where this is going.... he passed last year, the cancer finally got the best of him, to the surprise of everybody and I'm still just fuckin devastated. Can't really speak about it without cracking up so I won't, but I will always, always feel heartbroken by the look he had the last time I saw him, so painfully hopeful, yet so clearly frightened and incapable of accepting what was about to happen to him. And what happened to him.... I only ever got to hear about it because he requested that I didn't see him like that.

Of course, before he left he felt obliged to tell me all about my mother and what she had done to him and how it had nearly driven him to suicide; bringing strange men and women into the house while my dad (and me, and my brother) were all there to fuck them. Stuff I'd already kind of known... but the bad blood and cruelty in my own home, that tore it apart? I didn't know that. And I didn't know the effect it had on my old man, either, which was both infuriating and heartbreaking.There have been issues between me and my mum for a while now but now I simply can't trust her. She was literally the person who encouraged me to tell white lies whenever it was beneficial to me. Well anyway....

After my dad went, I managed to quit the weed, I dropped the codeine habit and I feel relatively clear... but I still just feel fuckin empty. Desireless. There's nothing that excites me any more, there's nothing around the corner that I am actively looking forward to. All I really want at this point is to feel accepted and loved wholly, and this desire has consumed me at the expense of just about everything else. But it's futile. My walls are up, my issues are abundant. I'm not your garden variety creep. I simply don't trust people and they can feel it, they don't wanna be my friend. There's one guy that has stuck by me through the years; this crazy, super-outgoing new-age hippie guy who has spent most of the last decade traversing Asia with no money and a guitar. Generally he does this to great effect, and once or twice we have done it together to great effect. Because he's never home any more, however, I never really have a chance to meaningfully connect with him, and as things have gotten worse for me, I have felt myself grow distant even from him.

Well, when my father died I did come into an inheritance... so I chose to spend some of it travelling; no thinking, no planning.... just doing. I didn't really care about the places I was going, I didn't really have an itinerary of things I wanted to do and see... I just wanted to feel less pain, and more connected to others. Maybe I would meet somebody who could actually accept me, and help me overcome the trust issues that I couldn't tackle alone. And, of course, I wanted to take this adventure on alone. After traversing China and Hong Kong for some combined forty days, I elected to go visit the aforementioned friend in Mongolia. He had told me he was feeling pretty isolated too, having spent the entirety of the past year around his boyfriend who was increasingly falling back into old, terrible habits (alcohol abuse, emotional abuse...). I had a choice between Vietnam, Japan and Mongolia; and were it not for my concern about him I would have arsed it to Japan. Instead, I went to Mongolia.

They pressured me a lot to hurry up, expedite my Visa process, get planes instead of trains so we could leave the city post-haste, and I dropped significant amounts of money, effort and patience to get this done and make it there. Only to make a terrible realisation; that I had left the bulk of my medication back in a hostel in Guilin; meaning that I only had enough Sertraline (Zoloft) to last me about a week. That's where my hippie friend comes in with his classic bullshit; 'you're always going to be fucked up taking those pills', 'come let mama nature take care of you', 'stop hiding behind your screen and just let go already', etc etc. Kill me now. Despite arriving almost a week sooner than I original planned to, they refused to accept that I needed to spend an extra day in the city at least investigating my situation and trying to figure out a way forward for me - there are hospitals, pharmacies, and so on - they demanded that we leave tomorrow at 8:45am for some pokey lake somewhere out in the sticks, no leg room for my own needs, despite the major allowances I'd made for them.

Well I told them that morning I couldn't come and they flew off the handle at me, so I spent a few days by myself in Ulaanbaatar mainly drinking coffee and figuring out where to find meds (they've been shipped from my local GP at home to the place I'm staying at rn). When we reunite the boyfriend won't even fuckin speak to me. I cook for them and he refuses bc it 'makes him sick' Next morning they come in together and the boyfriend declares that he doesn't like me, never has, and lists everything about me that he dislikes. Friend tries to moderate. I walk out. Some time later, the friend meets me for coffee and tells me I was being 'cunty'. I'm just done. I leave the two of them. I didn't put a damn foot out of line, his boyfriend was just so fucking jealous and insecure about there being a single other person in my mate's life that he (successfully) managed to take a shit on our friendship. And my life, once again, gets just that little bit quieter...

There was a girl I was seeing for a couple months. Someone who was frankly too good for me. Warm and accepting, ridiculously beautiful, charming and hilarious; but my colossal trust issues ultimately scared her off, because I said one stupid thing taken the wrong way... and the last words exchanged were 'leave me alone'. Well I fuckin feel alone more than ever right now, to be honest. Throughout all this crazy bullshit recently she has been an absolute rock for me and I've blown it, and now I'm alone again. I care about her a lot, but what it means symbolically to have been rejected by even her, for my issues, is just overwhelming me a bit. I feel like my problems are insurmountable, that there's always going to be this air of the untouchable around me; I repel everything but plant life at this point. Not even cats like me. I'm sure I even get less mosquito bites than the average person. But I do have a fungal infection....

Yes I do like myself. I'm relatively charming, have a nice smile, I'm full of love and empathy, often quite funny and on the right day (not this one) I can write the fuck out of a good few paragraphs of prose. But no, it's not enough. I am tired of feeling empty and isolated and alone and devoid of passion and love. I've tried for so fuckin long to fix myself and I just don't know how any more. Tried registering for online therapy tonight only to be told my kind of problems required face to face help; tried calling the samaritans in the UK through skype to no avail. The hostel is under no illusions that I am a nutter and does not want to touch me, even w a barge pole... not that I'd be able to handle it, to be honest.

I can't go to the same people from home that I'm running away from, I'm still grieving heavily, I haven't overcome as much as I thought I did, and the two people remaining to me; my best friend growing up, and the girl I was falling for hard, have both just gotten me entirely to fuck. So here I am Era, incapable of getting a simple post out because of a slippery keyboard and a lifelong case of essential tremor that is not working in my favour at all right now.

The worst thing is that I know I'm going to get a half dozen replies telling me to be grateful for what I'm doing right now, but that's the unforgivable part to me, I just came out here to try and feel a connection. The location means almost fucking nothing to me. It's just better than the entrenched pain at home.

I'm done now. Kinda smashed it out... I missed a lot... but you get the gist of my situation. Sorry if it sounds like colossal self-pity. I'm just being honest. I can handle the normal shit in life, work, savings, general obligations... but my emotional state is and has been broken for a long time and I just can't manage it, or the isolation it causes, any more.

The OP can/should stay as is, it's actually made me smile a bit and made this easier to write.
Man that dude was not your friend. To turn on you and not understand it, and let his boyfriend kick you while youre down. Yeah, your friend can be upset with you, but still should support you. You're the victim. Fuck that guy.

And that mom shit is fucked, but she can get fucked. She sounds like a broken person thats done damage, and there is a process to forgiving and whatever, yada yada, but you're right, how can you trust her.

I do think the fact you have some love for yourself is the strength here, and makes me believe you can work/wait it out to get to the brighter side. God that's corny, but you get what I'm saying I hope. Yes things are shit, and all that must be adding up to your mental state, but still at the end of the day you'll make it through. Others here will give better advice and ways you can break the cycle and maybe get help, but man, all I can do is say I'm hoping for you man. I know that's not much, but I'm sorry for you, and I'm hoping for you.
 
Mar 30, 2019
424
Well OP, I'm going to give this a shot. I'm no psychologist, yet I have a very avoidant style of behaviour. Just know that you are not alone, all of us are broken in variously different ways. You seem to be taking healthier steps to heal and that is good. It is a long road to be sure. I know I haven't reached my goals, that's for sure.

If you resort to distancing yourself socially it might be your go-to defense mechanism. That is totally normal. I often observe microexpressions in the people I meet and realize that they are responding to my cues.

I learned to begin relaxing once I realize my anxiety is set off. I just start with a simple deep breath and then take mental stock of what exactly is causing the fear. Often, like you said, it's the acceptance or validation or others. I realize that this is what I need and seek to be around compatible people. I also offer my friendship in turn to what they need.

I know this sounds pedantic, but you may need to slow down and really think about your needs. Slowly and calmly, with attention to your emotions.

As serious as life is, we have to have a light heart, forgive ourselves, and move on. Don't feel bad if you cant forgive certain things, but I urge you to keep caring. Life is a marathon and there is plenty to experience. Don't forget that you and your actions matter. That's all I got so please be safe.
 

killdatninja

Member
Oct 26, 2017
483
Not much I can say that would change anything but hang in there...at some point things will get better. When bad things happen, it's always in waves and never just one thing at a time, which always feels more overwhelming than it actually is. Just keep doing self-improvement, you sound strong enough that you should stop doubting yourself on how much you've grown (important that you compare yourself and not to other people). Self-improvement is something you work on for life, and it doesn't get any easier as it's ever shifting. Make the most out of your trip, you're already out there, try to focus on something that remotely interests you (even if it's alone). I found that there has been days where I'm absolutely not in a mood to do something, I talk myself into going through with it and for the most part enjoyed it. Hope things turn around for you.
 
OP
OP
MrBoourns

MrBoourns

Member
Mar 10, 2018
1,320
Scotland
Man that dude was not your friend. To turn on you and not understand it, and let his boyfriend kick you while youre down. Yeah, your friend can be upset with you, but still should support you. You're the victim. Fuck that guy.

And that mom shit is fucked, but she can get fucked. She sounds like a broken person thats done damage, and there is a process to forgiving and whatever, yada yada, but you're right, how can you trust her.

I do think the fact you have some love for yourself is the strength here, and makes me believe you can work/wait it out to get to the brighter side. God that's corny, but you get what I'm saying I hope. Yes things are shit, and all that must be adding up to your mental state, but still at the end of the day you'll make it through. Others here will give better advice and ways you can break the cycle and maybe get help, but man, all I can do is say I'm hoping for you man. I know that's not much, but I'm sorry for you, and I'm hoping for you.
Thanks mate.

Right now I'm thinking of packing it all in and going home; everything about this place just exhausts me. Not that there's anything in Scotland for me, either. I honestly just want to fall asleep and never have to deal with waking up again. Isolation is fucking horrible. Finally got through to the Samaritans just to talk to an old man who kept sleepily encouraging me to go 'back to what I know'; it seemed more rooted in the idea that foreign countries are inherently alienating and a return to familiarity would do me good. I don't think I agree, but I guess that's the gamble you take talking to the samaritans. Nowhere seems to be the better option right now and my travel plans are already booked. I have a bag of luggage worth a fair few quid (includes presents for upcoming bdays, clothes, medication, an ipad that needs repaired, a power bank and a 3DS complete with all my pokemans games+save files) back in Guilin too so I feel weird just leaving it behind. I'm probably going to keep on going but I don't really care; I don't really care about location, and after the last couple of weeks I don't even want to try to reach out to people. Guess I'll be hanging out in all the world's bars and cafes playing Civ waiting for my mood to stabilise - if it ever does.

For the first time in my life I've gone from ruminating about the possibilities of ending my life to actively researching them, and which one would be most feasible and painless given my current location and means. If I don't then I'm just marking days; my brother could probably do something more meaningful with my dad's inheritance than this shit I'm pulling.
 

Pirate Bae

X marks the spot
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,609
??
OP, thank you for sharing. I know that probably wasn't easy, but we're here for you.

I'm not a mental health professional and I'm not trying to be, but I really think you should consider talking to a therapist when you get home. I've been seeing one for a few months now and it has done wonders with helping me work through the stuff I was trying (and failing) to work out on my own. The important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone, and that there are people out there willing to listen. People do care, no matter if it seems like they don't.

Honestly, your friend isn't worth your time. I'm sorry that happened to you all the same. But I think you are better off without them. I know it stings despite this; not only are you grieving your father, but now you are grieving the loss of your friendship. On top of all the other losses you are grieving as well. It feels very isolating, and I understand how shitty it is for you right now.

My advice to you would be this: take small steps. Every day, set small goals that you know are realistic and that you can achieve. It makes you feel more accomplished and positive about what you are doing. It's okay to not have a plan, too. Just don't give up! There's a life out there for you, for all of us. I'm certain of it.

Also, reach out to people. Talk about how you feel. Don't keep it bottled in. Easier said than done, I know. But again, take small steps. Find someone you are comfortable talking to about it. Be patient with yourself.

If you need anything, my PM box is always open. Best wishes to you!
 

SOBOSLDR

Member
Nov 27, 2017
88
Sounds like the friend thing is still relatively fresh. I would not sweat it too much your friend is also trying to figure out their own shit, and will probably see the error in their ways eventually. My advice would be to just get out of your own head, your mind creates threads that feed into themselves and you can get stuck in feedback loops. From the sound of your life I think you have plenty of mental fortitude to succeed. Take small steps to socialize, practice by saying hi to the front desk person in your hostel everyday.
 

jacktuar

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,952
I only have one piece of advice, which may be bad advice so feel free to ignore it, but try really hard not to sweat the small stuff. You mentioned a few times that there were things that you felt were ‘symbolic’ of your situation. Well what you’re doing there is promoting tiny issues to being as big and as hard on you as the really bad stuff (and there is big stuff you’ve had to deal with, so I feel for you OP). And if you’ve got all the big stuff and all the small stuff equally weighing you down, it’s too much to deal with.

Even when thinking about something like your recent relationship: these things happen, most relationships fail, so it’s better to try and move on.

I know it’s easy to say ‘hey buddy, don’t worry about stuff’ but that’s not really what I mean. You have to work hard to be able to do that, especially when you have anxiety (which I do). Sometimes it means having a literal conversation with yourself about how much should this issue be bringing me down, or whether something is actually okay. But it’s worth training yourself to do because it at least lightens the load.
 

SapientWolf

Member
Nov 6, 2017
2,962
I'm just another broken asshole ERA, that's all. Let's call this story 'Been Down', feels right all things considered haha

My life has crumbled in the last couple of years; maybe even the last decade. Lost my ability to trust or be comfortable around acquaintances, close friends... it wasn't long before I couldn't even get a sentence out to the people at work because my anxiety had just flown right off the charts. It's rooted in my childhood, bc of course it is, years of being bullied and then sidelined and made to feel invisible has left me with massive trust issues. Follows me into adulthood with an increasingly out-of-control weed habit.... followed by a codeine habit...it was just numbing me. Social to begin with, then it became a burden to see people as I would feel deep panic setting in and it was humiliating for me to experience that around these confident, outgoing people who are supposed to be my best friends. Slowly my walls got higher and higher, I became more and more distant, more and more insular....unable to sleep for the constant insomnia, unable to eat properly because of bulimia. Just out of fuckin control with no way to assert authority over my own life and regain the wheel because it was all just too much. I became manically overconfident in my skills; writing, music, comedy in spite of a complete lack of vision for how to execute these actual career paths or goals. They were just keeping me buoyant. I still haven't let go.... I'm twenty-eight and lacking in a vision for my life that I truly care about. I'm three years deep into an English degree and I still don't know where the fuck it's going to land me. I had worked menial jobs for so long just to dig myself out of fuckin weed debt...

Despite my life becoming quiet throughout all this I was able to stay relatively open and honest with my ailing father, who supported me no matter what. He had my back, gave me emotional support, we would speak all night sometimes, even when he had to move away for treatment in England. He was my rock; perhaps my only real rock. Well you know where this is going.... he passed last year, the cancer finally got the best of him, to the surprise of everybody and I'm still just fuckin devastated. Can't really speak about it without cracking up so I won't, but I will always, always feel heartbroken by the look he had the last time I saw him, so painfully hopeful, yet so clearly frightened and incapable of accepting what was about to happen to him. And what happened to him.... I only ever got to hear about it because he requested that I didn't see him like that.

Of course, before he left he felt obliged to tell me all about my mother and what she had done to him and how it had nearly driven him to suicide; bringing strange men and women into the house while my dad (and me, and my brother) were all there to fuck them. Stuff I'd already kind of known... but the bad blood and cruelty in my own home, that tore it apart? I didn't know that. And I didn't know the effect it had on my old man, either, which was both infuriating and heartbreaking.There have been issues between me and my mum for a while now but now I simply can't trust her. She was literally the person who encouraged me to tell white lies whenever it was beneficial to me. Well anyway....

After my dad went, I managed to quit the weed, I dropped the codeine habit and I feel relatively clear... but I still just feel fuckin empty. Desireless. There's nothing that excites me any more, there's nothing around the corner that I am actively looking forward to. All I really want at this point is to feel accepted and loved wholly, and this desire has consumed me at the expense of just about everything else. But it's futile. My walls are up, my issues are abundant. I'm not your garden variety creep. I simply don't trust people and they can feel it, they don't wanna be my friend. There's one guy that has stuck by me through the years; this crazy, super-outgoing new-age hippie guy who has spent most of the last decade traversing Asia with no money and a guitar. Generally he does this to great effect, and once or twice we have done it together to great effect. Because he's never home any more, however, I never really have a chance to meaningfully connect with him, and as things have gotten worse for me, I have felt myself grow distant even from him.

Well, when my father died I did come into an inheritance... so I chose to spend some of it travelling; no thinking, no planning.... just doing. I didn't really care about the places I was going, I didn't really have an itinerary of things I wanted to do and see... I just wanted to feel less pain, and more connected to others. Maybe I would meet somebody who could actually accept me, and help me overcome the trust issues that I couldn't tackle alone. And, of course, I wanted to take this adventure on alone. After traversing China and Hong Kong for some combined forty days, I elected to go visit the aforementioned friend in Mongolia. He had told me he was feeling pretty isolated too, having spent the entirety of the past year around his boyfriend who was increasingly falling back into old, terrible habits (alcohol abuse, emotional abuse...). I had a choice between Vietnam, Japan and Mongolia; and were it not for my concern about him I would have arsed it to Japan. Instead, I went to Mongolia.

They pressured me a lot to hurry up, expedite my Visa process, get planes instead of trains so we could leave the city post-haste, and I dropped significant amounts of money, effort and patience to get this done and make it there. Only to make a terrible realisation; that I had left the bulk of my medication back in a hostel in Guilin; meaning that I only had enough Sertraline (Zoloft) to last me about a week. That's where my hippie friend comes in with his classic bullshit; 'you're always going to be fucked up taking those pills', 'come let mama nature take care of you', 'stop hiding behind your screen and just let go already', etc etc. Kill me now. Despite arriving almost a week sooner than I original planned to, they refused to accept that I needed to spend an extra day in the city at least investigating my situation and trying to figure out a way forward for me - there are hospitals, pharmacies, and so on - they demanded that we leave tomorrow at 8:45am for some pokey lake somewhere out in the sticks, no leg room for my own needs, despite the major allowances I'd made for them.

Well I told them that morning I couldn't come and they flew off the handle at me, so I spent a few days by myself in Ulaanbaatar mainly drinking coffee and figuring out where to find meds (they've been shipped from my local GP at home to the place I'm staying at rn). When we reunite the boyfriend won't even fuckin speak to me. I cook for them and he refuses bc it 'makes him sick' Next morning they come in together and the boyfriend declares that he doesn't like me, never has, and lists everything about me that he dislikes. Friend tries to moderate. I walk out. Some time later, the friend meets me for coffee and tells me I was being 'cunty'. I'm just done. I leave the two of them. I didn't put a damn foot out of line, his boyfriend was just so fucking jealous and insecure about there being a single other person in my mate's life that he (successfully) managed to take a shit on our friendship. And my life, once again, gets just that little bit quieter...

There was a girl I was seeing for a couple months. Someone who was frankly too good for me. Warm and accepting, ridiculously beautiful, charming and hilarious; but my colossal trust issues ultimately scared her off, because I said one stupid thing taken the wrong way... and the last words exchanged were 'leave me alone'. Well I fuckin feel alone more than ever right now, to be honest. Throughout all this crazy bullshit recently she has been an absolute rock for me and I've blown it, and now I'm alone again. I care about her a lot, but what it means symbolically to have been rejected by even her, for my issues, is just overwhelming me a bit. I feel like my problems are insurmountable, that there's always going to be this air of the untouchable around me; I repel everything but plant life at this point. Not even cats like me. I'm sure I even get less mosquito bites than the average person. But I do have a fungal infection....

Yes I do like myself. I'm relatively charming, have a nice smile, I'm full of love and empathy, often quite funny and on the right day (not this one) I can write the fuck out of a good few paragraphs of prose. But no, it's not enough. I am tired of feeling empty and isolated and alone and devoid of passion and love. I've tried for so fuckin long to fix myself and I just don't know how any more. Tried registering for online therapy tonight only to be told my kind of problems required face to face help; tried calling the samaritans in the UK through skype to no avail. The hostel is under no illusions that I am a nutter and does not want to touch me, even w a barge pole... not that I'd be able to handle it, to be honest.

I can't go to the same people from home that I'm running away from, I'm still grieving heavily, I haven't overcome as much as I thought I did, and the two people remaining to me; my best friend growing up, and the girl I was falling for hard, have both just gotten me entirely to fuck. So here I am Era, incapable of getting a simple post out because of a slippery keyboard and a lifelong case of essential tremor that is not working in my favour at all right now.

The worst thing is that I know I'm going to get a half dozen replies telling me to be grateful for what I'm doing right now, but that's the unforgivable part to me, I just came out here to try and feel a connection. The location means almost fucking nothing to me. It's just better than the entrenched pain at home.

I'm done now. Kinda smashed it out... I missed a lot... but you get the gist of my situation. Sorry if it sounds like colossal self-pity. I'm just being honest. I can handle the normal shit in life, work, savings, general obligations... but my emotional state is and has been broken for a long time and I just can't manage it, or the isolation it causes, any more.

The OP can/should stay as is, it's actually made me smile a bit and made this easier to write.
I don't think you're getting proper treatment for your social anxiety OP. You should try not to take it out on yourself. I would follow up with your therapist as soon as time allows.

The people that truly matter in your life aren't going to give up on you when you're at your lowest. At the same time, try to be aware that your first instinct might be to push them away.
 

vodalus

Member
Oct 27, 2017
291
Los Angeles
Sounds like you have a few misguided views on life as well as some serious anxiety issues that should be addressed with a quality therapist.

Socializing and connecting with other people is wonderful, and when they are the right people it can be such a rewarding part of your life. But you need to focus on making yourself happy because no one will ever be able to do it for you. what do you enjoy? What type of people would you like to be around, and what type of people would like to be around you? What kind of job could you do where you could have a positive impact on people's lives?
 
OP
OP
MrBoourns

MrBoourns

Member
Mar 10, 2018
1,320
Scotland
Sounds like you have a few misguided views on life as well as some serious anxiety issues that should be addressed with a quality therapist.

Socializing and connecting with other people is wonderful, and when they are the right people it can be such a rewarding part of your life. But you need to focus on making yourself happy because no one will ever be able to do it for you. what do you enjoy? What type of people would you like to be around, and what type of people would like to be around you? What kind of job could you do where you could have a positive impact on people's lives?
I'm aware my 'views', such as they are, are a little misguided... the trouble is getting myself out of a one-track mind, which I find extremely difficut. I don't rely on others for happiness; I just feel exhausted by loneliness. I am very outgoing in the first instance; until the fear of an actual connetion sets in again. I don't know who would like to be around me because my anxiety creates a sort-of forcefield most of the time.

But I would like to be around fun and interesting people who aren't too loud or abrasive. People who empathise and get it, and have perhaps suffered themselves... but aren't emotional vampires bc I've made that mistake before and wound up with some seriously toxic people in my life. People making up wee tales and pretending to cry down the phone to me, get to absolute fuck (ahem)

I don't know what I want besides that. I know I enjoy my creativity; I know ESL will pay fairly well for me after my degree is completed, but I don't think it'll bring me a great deal of happiness. I want to be able to say I made other people's lives tangibly better, but don't we all? I feel like I'd be a good fit for therapy, but I would have to start university all over, and finance myself too.

Also, I will be seeking therapy when I go home but that waiting list is long.
 

Jakke_Koala

Member
Sep 28, 2018
580
I'm not really good with online advice, but if you're still traveling and would happen to be in Belgium Sometime, hit me up. Apparently i can be a really good friend.

When i felt down a few years ago, what helped me was to split all my problems. Than i could see that a lot of things that made me worried were insignificant, so i said to those things "fuck it" and just never engaged with that stuff. This sounds easier than it looks probably, because everybody has different problems.
But stuff i dropped out of my life were in that case some friends and a girl i had feelings for.
And don't put energy in thing that tire you out mentally (negative thoughts and shit), it's not worth it
 
OP
OP
MrBoourns

MrBoourns

Member
Mar 10, 2018
1,320
Scotland
I'm not really good with online advice, but if you're still traveling and would happen to be in Belgium Sometime, hit me up. Apparently i can be a really good friend.

When i felt down a few years ago, what helped me was to split all my problems. Than i could see that a lot of things that made me worried were insignificant, so i said to those things "fuck it" and just never engaged with that stuff. This sounds easier than it looks probably, because everybody has different problems.
But stuff i dropped out of my life were in that case some friends and a girl i had feelings for.
And don't put energy in thing that tire you out mentally (negative thoughts and shit), it's not worth it
I just feel like I've been sitting on it too long and now I desperately need proper, actual help and the waiting list is longer than I can handle. I might invest in a therapy app, but.... I dunno.... I struggle to believe either party will truly be invested, especially compared to face-to-face sessions. Part of me is leaning heavily on going home right now, but my mind is changing as often as the breeze today. Not gonna get what I need out here... but I don't want to go home defeated, and I don't want to leave luggage behind in the middle of Asia, either.

It is hard letting go of pain. I've held onto it for so long I don't know how. I'm so tired of loss, and grief, and rejection. Part of me really wants to go to some kind of rehab facility for a while, but I don't have that kind of money and I think the NHS is likely to brush my situation off. I just don't know any more. And I don't know what I expect other people to say. I'm just venting. There's a huge part of me that just wants to be dead and I promise I'm not saying that to make people worry, I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact I feel it right now. I feel it a lot.
 

Jakke_Koala

Member
Sep 28, 2018
580
I just feel like I've been sitting on it too long and now I desperately need proper, actual help and the waiting list is longer than I can handle. I might invest in a therapy app, but.... I dunno.... I struggle to believe either party will truly be invested, especially compared to face-to-face sessions. Part of me is leaning heavily on going home right now, but my mind is changing as often as the breeze today. Not gonna get what I need out here... but I don't want to go home defeated, and I don't want to leave luggage behind in the middle of Asia, either.

It is hard letting go of pain. I've held onto it for so long I don't know how. I'm so tired of loss, and grief, and rejection. Part of me really wants to go to some kind of rehab facility for a while, but I don't have that kind of money and I think the NHS is likely to brush my situation off. I just don't know any more. And I don't know what I expect other people to say. I'm just venting. There's a huge part of me that just wants to be dead and I promise I'm not saying that to make people worry, I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact I feel it right now. I feel it a lot.
There's no shame in going home defeated. Home should be a place where you can unwind, where you can just be you.
I haven't done therapy, so i can't comment on that, but if you feel it could help you, you should definetly sign up for it. Even if you need to wait a couple of months.

I know it'll sound lame, but music always gets me through my worst times. There are a million different songs that give you a new perspective on a lot of personal things.
And a new perspective can make the difference