- Oct 25, 2017
Media has warped the way people should view dating. Let's learn how to meet and form lasting relationships in the real-world!
Our theme for this thread is tough love. We want you to succeed. But expect directness. This thread is, for brevity's sake, the functional opposite of internet garbage like r/TheRedPill. There are four simple rules for this OT
1. No vagueposting.
2. Realize that your situation isn't half as special as you think it is.
3. If you're posting more than three paragraphs about someone you've never been on a date with: stop overthinking it, erase your post, and actually ask that person out. You'll have your answer.
4. Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to have us answer.
There's a fifth, but it really out to be implied at this point
But you're not, and that's why we're here. Two relatively short articles are required reading: (1) Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson and (2) Brené Brown's 2011 TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability. Further, be prepared to have some answers generated for the following series of questions:
Originally Posted by me
Some other common scenarios:What do you bring to a possible relationship? What do you have to offer? Can you share interesting experiences with someone? Are you physically attractive and aesthetically pleasing? Are you highly emotionally intelligent and sensitive to a partner's needs? Are you great in bed? Can you make people laugh? Are you experienced in relationships, so that you know exactly how to support someone?
Q. How do I date my friend?
A. Tell them how you feel, but be prepared to lose the friendship. And don't be someone's friend if you're not willing to actually be their friend.
Q. What's the best pickup line?
Q. How do I date my coworker?
A. Generally, you don't. People do, though. Check your HR policies.
Q. She ghosted me. Isn't she the worst?
A. No. She's really not. That's what happens sometimes, and whether or not you agree with it, handle it civilly. Actually, as always crazy bacon points out, what you think is a successful date -- conversation, laughs, and a good time -- is the baseline, and a "spark" requires more.
Q. How do I make him like me?
A. You don't. Be your authentic self -- the best version, of course. If someone doesn't like you, they're doing you a favor by not wasting your time. Find someone you're ecstatic about and who feels the same way about you.
Nearly every question here arises from mismatched expectations that aren't communicated clearly. That's it. Really. In fact, we're nearly done here, barring one extension of that thesis: those mismatched expectations happen when parties don't understand the unwritten rules of dating. My best friend here in the city -- she's in her late twenties, and she goes out on dozens upon dozens of first dates, usually with guys she matches with on Tinder, and we're lucky enough to benefit from her prolonged misery. The gist is this:
Not conforming to certain dating conventions raises red flags. Basically, the more experienced you are, the less dumb shit you'll do. This is why you schedule drinks, so that you can bail (or let her gracefully bow out) if there's no chemistry. It's why she arrives first, so that she can order a drink and pay her tab, mooting the awkward check/Venmo conversation afterwards. It's why, even after a successful date, she makes up an excuse that she's going to a friend's party or has to go to work early tomorrow, because it's a way to conclude the date, and surely he wouldn't follow her there. He did. He was creepy. Don't be creepy. It's when both parties can understand the other person's losing interest, or perhaps you're both losing interest, and then communication just gradually declines and stops.
Conversely, it's understanding that these rules are meant to be mutually broken if things feel right.
And ultimately, it's reaching the zenlike conclusion that it doesn't really matter exactly what you say (so long as they like you and you don't make it weird), so stop overthinking things, because they're rooting for you not to suck. So, good luck and...
Other ERA Threads:
Alphabet Dating ERA - https://www.resetera.com/threads/alphabet-dating-era.2041/
Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson -https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay - http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/02/05/the-brad-pitt-rule/
10 ways to have a better conversation - TED Talk by Celeste Headlee - https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation?language=en
The power of vulnerability - TED Talk by Brene Brown - http://speakola.com/ideas/brene-brown-vulnerability-ted-2011
Modern Romance by Aniz Ansari
Be the Person You Want to Find by Cheri Huber
Models by Mark Manson
Shyness: What it is and What to do about it by Philip Zimbardo
The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book about Relationships by Neil Strauss
Bonus Round! How to Dress Yourself
We here at Dating ERA want to succeed at dating and relationships, and a lot of the hurdles can come from the first date itself (and getting to that first date). With the first date, you really want to make a good impression… and a big part of that is knowing how to dress well. We are primarily a gaming community, so we get a lot of people in here that don't believe in 'fashion' and that their gaming graphic tees and 10 year old sneakers are all they need in life, but we're here to tell you that's a terrible mindset and you're just setting yourself up for bad first impressions.
First off, read this fantastic article on Men's fashion - https://ashleyweston.com/mens-wardrobe-essentials/. It'll help you give some good guidelines on what's good to wear in a casual-ish setting (hint, it's not cargo shorts). When dressing for dating, it's important that you dress well—typical at home loungewear generally doesn't cut it. It leaves a bad impression, that you can't bother to spend ten minutes putting on a decent outfit for your date. That said, you don't want to overdo it either… showing up to a coffee shop or bar in a full suit isn't really appropriate.
The most important thing to realize is that you have to buy WHAT FITS. Not just something that'll make do, but clothing that actually fits and complements your frame. This isn't the easiest process, and you might have to even get some nicer items tailored to you. This takes time and effort, trying on clothes and finding what brands work for you. It can even be discouraging, but once you finally get down what works for you and what doesn't, shopping for clothing becomes a much easier process.
Also, don't neglect your shoes! While they may not seem important, bad looking, dirty, or worn down shoes can clash with an otherwise stylish outfit and ruin the entire look. Again, check the Ashley Weston article above for good essential recommendations.
Our regulars have a few recommendations as well:
There are clothing subscription boxes that send outfits to you and you can try them on to see if they're to your tastes. If you don't like them or they don't fit properly, you can send them back! Here's an article with a few options at different price ranges - http://www.instyle.com/news/best-subscription-boxes-for-men-buy-now.
Also here's an article on creating a minimalist wardrobe - http://theessentialman.com/how-to-create-minimalist-wardrobe/. It's a nice read in conjunction with the essentials article above—it can be overwhelming redoing a whole wardrobe but if you're smart about it, it can be easier than it looks… and cheaper! Oh and here's another resource to look at - https://dappered.com/. There's a lot of them!
Additionally here are some good starter places to shop at, with their own distinct price points, depending on your budget:
Finally, bonus tips:
- Remember basic hygiene. Shower, shave or trim your facial hair, make sure your nails are trim and don't have dirt under them.
- If you use cologne, just a spray or two, don't overdo it. Don't use Axe, the commercials are lying to you.
- I don't care if you think you smell fine, just take a shower. Make sure your clothes are wrinkle free and clean as well.
Making the Discord a little more public now. Discord link will be hidden at the bottom of this post. First, a little bit about how we operate...
1) We are very security minded, due to the potentially sensitive nature of the discussion. In the interest of security, do not share the link with ANYONE. We also ask you change your nickname on the server to match your ResetERA username. Finally, when you've done all that, PM one of the Discord Admin here, on Resetera, with your Discord name so we can grant full channel privileges. The admin are Alwayscrazybacon, Addie, Subpar scrub, and myself.
2) Respect everyone's problems. But also don't be surprised if members get snippy if you have a history of ignoring advice.
3) Don't be a jerkface.
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