DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Salamando

Member
Oct 25, 2017
258


Media has warped the way people should view dating. Let's learn how to meet and form lasting relationships in the real-world!

Our theme for this thread is tough love. We want you to succeed. But expect directness. This thread is, for brevity's sake, the functional opposite of internet garbage like r/TheRedPill. There are four simple rules for this OT

1. No vagueposting.
2. Realize that your situation isn't half as special as you think it is.
3. If you're posting more than three paragraphs about someone you've never been on a date with: stop overthinking it, erase your post, and actually ask that person out. You'll have your answer.
4. Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to have us answer.

There's a fifth, but it really out to be implied at this point
why cant any of you fuckers just be normal people
But you're not, and that's why we're here. Two relatively short articles are required reading: (1) Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson and (2) Brené Brown's 2011 TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability. Further, be prepared to have some answers generated for the following series of questions:

Originally Posted by me
What do you bring to a possible relationship? What do you have to offer? Can you share interesting experiences with someone? Are you physically attractive and aesthetically pleasing? Are you highly emotionally intelligent and sensitive to a partner's needs? Are you great in bed? Can you make people laugh? Are you experienced in relationships, so that you know exactly how to support someone?
Some other common scenarios:
Q. How do I date my friend?​
A. Tell them how you feel, but be prepared to lose the friendship. And don't be someone's friend if you're not willing to actually be their friend.​

Q. What's the best pickup line?​
A. "Hi."​
Q. How do I date my coworker?​
A. Generally, you don't. People do, though. Check your HR policies.​
Q. She ghosted me. Isn't she the worst?​
A. No. She's really not. That's what happens sometimes, and whether or not you agree with it, handle it civilly. Actually, as always crazy bacon points out, what you think is a successful date -- conversation, laughs, and a good time -- is the baseline, and a "spark" requires more.​
Q. How do I make him like me?​
A. You don't. Be your authentic self -- the best version, of course. If someone doesn't like you, they're doing you a favor by not wasting your time. Find someone you're ecstatic about and who feels the same way about you.​
Nearly every question here arises from mismatched expectations that aren't communicated clearly. That's it. Really. In fact, we're nearly done here, barring one extension of that thesis: those mismatched expectations happen when parties don't understand the unwritten rules of dating. My best friend here in the city -- she's in her late twenties, and she goes out on dozens upon dozens of first dates, usually with guys she matches with on Tinder, and we're lucky enough to benefit from her prolonged misery. The gist is this:

Not conforming to certain dating conventions raises red flags. Basically, the more experienced you are, the less dumb shit you'll do. This is why you schedule drinks, so that you can bail (or let her gracefully bow out) if there's no chemistry. It's why she arrives first, so that she can order a drink and pay her tab, mooting the awkward check/Venmo conversation afterwards. It's why, even after a successful date, she makes up an excuse that she's going to a friend's party or has to go to work early tomorrow, because it's a way to conclude the date, and surely he wouldn't follow her there. He did. He was creepy. Don't be creepy. It's when both parties can understand the other person's losing interest, or perhaps you're both losing interest, and then communication just gradually declines and stops.

Conversely, it's understanding that these rules are meant to be mutually broken if things feel right.

And ultimately, it's reaching the zenlike conclusion that it doesn't really matter exactly what you say (so long as they like you and you don't make it weird), so stop overthinking things, because they're rooting for you not to suck. So, good luck and...





Other ERA Threads:
Alphabet Dating ERA - https://www.resetera.com/threads/alphabet-dating-era.2041/

Articles:
Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson -https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay - http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/02/05/the-brad-pitt-rule/

Podcasts/Videos:
10 ways to have a better conversation - TED Talk by Celeste Headlee - https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation?language=en
The power of vulnerability - TED Talk by Brene Brown - http://speakola.com/ideas/brene-brown-vulnerability-ted-2011

Books:
Modern Romance by Aniz Ansari
Be the Person You Want to Find by Cheri Huber
Models by Mark Manson
Shyness: What it is and What to do about it by Philip Zimbardo
The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book about Relationships by Neil Strauss

Bonus Round! How to Dress Yourself
We here at Dating ERA want to succeed at dating and relationships, and a lot of the hurdles can come from the first date itself (and getting to that first date). With the first date, you really want to make a good impression… and a big part of that is knowing how to dress well. We are primarily a gaming community, so we get a lot of people in here that don't believe in 'fashion' and that their gaming graphic tees and 10 year old sneakers are all they need in life, but we're here to tell you that's a terrible mindset and you're just setting yourself up for bad first impressions.

First off, read this fantastic article on Men's fashion - https://ashleyweston.com/mens-wardrobe-essentials/. It'll help you give some good guidelines on what's good to wear in a casual-ish setting (hint, it's not cargo shorts). When dressing for dating, it's important that you dress well—typical at home loungewear generally doesn't cut it. It leaves a bad impression, that you can't bother to spend ten minutes putting on a decent outfit for your date. That said, you don't want to overdo it either… showing up to a coffee shop or bar in a full suit isn't really appropriate.

The most important thing to realize is that you have to buy WHAT FITS. Not just something that'll make do, but clothing that actually fits and complements your frame. This isn't the easiest process, and you might have to even get some nicer items tailored to you. This takes time and effort, trying on clothes and finding what brands work for you. It can even be discouraging, but once you finally get down what works for you and what doesn't, shopping for clothing becomes a much easier process.

Also, don't neglect your shoes! While they may not seem important, bad looking, dirty, or worn down shoes can clash with an otherwise stylish outfit and ruin the entire look. Again, check the Ashley Weston article above for good essential recommendations.

Our regulars have a few recommendations as well:

There are clothing subscription boxes that send outfits to you and you can try them on to see if they're to your tastes. If you don't like them or they don't fit properly, you can send them back! Here's an article with a few options at different price ranges - http://www.instyle.com/news/best-subscription-boxes-for-men-buy-now.

Also here's an article on creating a minimalist wardrobe - http://theessentialman.com/how-to-create-minimalist-wardrobe/. It's a nice read in conjunction with the essentials article above—it can be overwhelming redoing a whole wardrobe but if you're smart about it, it can be easier than it looks… and cheaper! Oh and here's another resource to look at - https://dappered.com/. There's a lot of them!

Additionally here are some good starter places to shop at, with their own distinct price points, depending on your budget:
Banana Republic
H&M
Macy's
Uniqlo
J. Crew

Finally, bonus tips:
- Remember basic hygiene. Shower, shave or trim your facial hair, make sure your nails are trim and don't have dirt under them.
- If you use cologne, just a spray or two, don't overdo it. Don't use Axe, the commercials are lying to you.
- I don't care if you think you smell fine, just take a shower. Make sure your clothes are wrinkle free and clean as well.


Making the Discord a little more public now. Discord link will be hidden at the bottom of this post. First, a little bit about how we operate...

1) We are very security minded, due to the potentially sensitive nature of the discussion. In the interest of security, do not share the link with ANYONE. We also ask you change your nickname on the server to match your ResetERA username. Finally, when you've done all that, PM one of the Discord Admin here, on Resetera, with your Discord name so we can grant full channel privileges. The admin are Alwayscrazybacon, Addie, Subpar scrub, and myself.

2) Respect everyone's problems. But also don't be surprised if members get snippy if you have a history of ignoring advice.

3) Don't be a jerkface.

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JakeG4

Member
Oct 25, 2017
131
God Damn, I never posted, but I sure always read and stay up to date with everyone stories and goings on in here. Hopefully after realising how much I missed lurking this place, I'll contribute more.
 

Beren

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,858
It’s great to be back!

That girl and I are still going strong. I’m going to cook up some sweet and sour chicken for her on Friday and we’ll watch Captain America and the Avengers (she’s very excited, and loved Thor). Then on Saturday we’re thinking of a day trip to the beach and then we’re going to a Halloween party afterwards. She’s amazing and my phone is behaving too!

I’m happy to see you guys again!
 

SRG01

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,584
Started talking to this one girl non-stop for days, and then she just ghosted me.

I'm not a stranger to being ghosted, but it's still kind of bleh.

Also, I made a resolution to actually date more this year as a lot of people have remarked that I haven't seriously dated in three years...! So here goes, I guess? This thread should be sufficient motivation for me :)
 

toadsworth

Member
Oct 25, 2017
663
So i scheduled a date with a girl on tinder for this friday but some of her friends are going to be there too, bar hopping. Hopefully they don't make me feel like the odd one out with inside jokes and shit. I'm lookin forward to it though!
 

Jzeero

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,112
California
Guys, it happened to me. I went on a first date to the beach at night and couldn't get it up

Now I know what that other guy felt.
 

Guts Of Thor

Member
Oct 25, 2017
954
Wonder if Zackie and Vern will make it here. I didn't post much but it was always fun reading this thread.
 

LookAtMeGo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,376
a parallel universe
This feels right.

Guys, it happened to me. I went on a first date to the beach at night and couldn't get it up

Now I know what that other guy felt.
Don't sweat it homie. Happens to the best of us. Frustrating for sure. Just don't dwell on it too much. If you think about it too much it's bound to happen again. You can't always pressure your boy to go to war for you.

Better luck next time. Just maybe give him a break for a few days or if it was the whiskey dick then don't drink so much next time.
 

Messofanego

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,929
UK
I've been holding off dates cause of a bad cough, but I'm almost recovered now so can resume the life. Still haven't found someone I can be more serious with, so still on the search.
 

HammerFace

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
1,784
Yesss. I'm excited to be a part of this thread. I'll hopefully have some stories to share. Possibly a bad one tonight/tomorrow since it looks like I might have just entered a fight with my girlfriend.
 

Ernest

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,618
So.Cal.
Hello DatingEra!

I have a few stragglers to take care of, but I'm taking a dating hiatus till the new year.

Till then (when I'll be sharing my sob stories), I'm gonna enjoy reading your stories and trying to impart any advice I can from whatever wisdom I may have picked up in my 45 years on this planet, including countless relationships and a failed marriage.

Good times!
 

Llyranor

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,740
What I want to know is if AdanVC broke up with his "girlfriend" yet.

Good to say you back, Ray Wonder :P
 

LionPride

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
12,804
So like, how does one be a thot when he wants to be....something with one person after a night or two?
 

SweetNicole

The Old Guard
Member
Oct 24, 2017
5,771
After a brief discussion with the discord moderators, I have moved this thread to general off-topic as it is an advice/discussion thread. As a compromise and because we are attempting to keep all OTs in Hangouts on the off-topic side, DatingEra is no longer listed as an |OT|. Thanks!
 

Addie

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,162
D.C.
Chiming in to say I made it, fam.

It's weird to kinda-sorta be in a relationship on the first page of this OT. That has never happened before. If and when it gloriously implodes (or when it progresses), you'll be the first to know.
 
Oct 25, 2017
565
Should I go to a gay bar or not? Yay or nay?
Background: I'm autistic, black, and have only had one date in my life which ended badly.
 
OP
OP
Salamando

Salamando

Member
Oct 25, 2017
258
Should I go to a gay bar or not? Yay or nay?
Background: I'm autistic, black, and have only had one date in my life which ended badly.
Go. Bad dates are, unfortunately, part of dating. Learn what you can from them and discard the rest. One day you'll meet someone who makes you feel magical, and you'll wonder why you didn't start trying earlier.