1. Armadilo

    Armadilo
    Member

    Maybe for that other thread since it's a thread suggestion but what about being the man that you can be OT thread ?? a thread to motivate guys into trying to reach their potential, life, health.
    I want to be the best man that I can be, no excuses just hard work and dedication.
     
  2. DJwest

    DJwest
    Member

    This actually sounds awesome.
     
  3. Beren

    Beren
    Member

    The girl I'm seeing went to the doctor today, and is going back again tomorrow for some blood work. Because she has several minor things going wrong at once (acid reflux being probably the most painful currently) they've got her on a very strict diet. She's never really had any medical issues before or had to be on a diet so she was freaking out and wasn't sure what to do. Luckily a lot of her current diet restrictions are stuff I've had to deal with over the years, or I've had family deal with it, so we went grocery shopping together and got her some stuff she could make and eat (lots of vegetables and protein mainly). We cooked it up and watched Stranger Things and chatted a bit, and it actually ended up being a weird but good date. And she was feeling better than she had in days.

    We're seeing each other again this weekend. Hopefully she's feeling a bit better by then.
     
  4. Be even better if it's a catch all "How to be an adult" so everybody can be included.There's a lot of life lessons people have not learned or have not been taught through no fault of their own.
     
  5. CQC

    CQC
    Member

    Seek professional help.

    I dealt with anxiety and depression during my Junior and first half of my Senior years in college and avoided dating during that period. I attempted to date once and I remember going off on a tangent during a date about shit I had going on at home with my father at the time.

    Trust, you're dating and life in general will run a lot more smoother if you seek help.
     
  6. CQC

    CQC
    Member

    Yeah, I get you.

    If money is an issue, do you have any friends that you can comfortably confide in? If not, try exercising (running is free and simple to do!) and eating healthy. These are immediate things you can do to better improve your mental health.

    There should be a mental health thread on here given that the other place had it.
     
  7. Beren

    Beren
    Member

    That's kind of the situation. She's used to frozen dinners but none of those will cut it while this stuff is going on. She's independent but had a helicopter mother. Luckily she absolutely wants to get better at eating. Otherwise her life is in order, aside from wanting to switch jobs in the near future (she's coming up on a year and is ready to make the switch to something else in her field).
     
  8. CQC

    CQC
    Member

    I hear you, I don't like burdening others with my stuff too.

    No problem, best wishes.
     
  9. Robin

    Robin
    Restless Insomniac Moderator

    I have to say that this post doesn't seem to be within the spirit of this thread. Also, please avoid double and triple posting and allow other users a chance to post.
     
  10. Jindrax

    Jindrax
    Member

    Yeah went on the date. Doesn't seem crazy haha my bad. Pretty cool girl tbh. Curious to see how this will progress.
     
  11. PatMan

    PatMan
    Member

    OK, so I don't have much experience with dating but I wanted to get people's opinion. Roughly 2 1/2 weeks ago, I approached a girl at the gym (she was done with her workout), introduced myself, told her I thought she was pretty, and asked if I could give her my number in case she wanted to get coffee. She said yes, and since then we have been together on 5 dates. The dates range from getting drinks and dinner to a walk in the park to me cooking her dinner. The last time we were together we managed to get pretty intimate (making out, shirts off), but she said we should probably wait (on sex).

    I'm completely fine with this, it's her choice, and the last thing I would ever want to do is make her feel uncomfortable or rush a good thing (plus we were at my place, and my roommates were home). Considering my last relationship started when a girl confessed she had a crush on me for years and made all the moves, I'm a novice when it comes to knowing when the time is right. She seems like the girl who will initiate when ready (she initiated last time we got close). I don't want to attempt to initiate anything until she is ready, but I'm sorta lost as to when that might be. I really hope this post doesn't make me seem like I'm just interested in sex. I really like this girl, and I just don't want to mess it up.

    Thoughts?
     
  12. You’re assuming a lot based on a little. You are cutting out a lot of people who are allergic who would be great fits.
     
  13. My take would be after 5 dates and that intamacy "wait" means wait until we are alone. So try to set that up, and Id say you are pretty much steady by now.
     
  14. Thanks for the warning. I guess I did misunderstand the spirit of the thread. In any case, I hope someone can find some use for it.
     
    • User warned for: Inappropriate Posting / Double Posting
    When I dated my wife, I was 22 and she was 17. We didn’t have sex for 8 months. Your position was mine as well. Eventually my wife became ready. More than likely she wants to make it special. She will determine the right time and place for her and if you care about her you could wait quite a while. Don’t get frustrated. She will want to have sex eventually if she likes you enough to date you.
     
  15. Ernest

    Ernest
    Member

    Just for the record, I wasn't saying that you're "mean", I was just using that as an analogy.
     
  16. Addie

    Addie
    Member

    You're also cutting out a lot people by not meeting every eligible person on the planet. Some people have dealbreakers of varying degrees: I don't want someone who smokes crack; he doesn't want someone likely to reject his pets.

    I am sure that if he somehow encountered an amazing person who was willing to push through the cat issue, they could possibly make it work. But why go out seeking that? In most cases it's a waste of time.

    I mean, to prove that I'm serious about this, having a university education was generally a dealbreaker for me. The girl I'm seeing doesn't have one. (But I'd keep that preference on my dating profile if I used it.)
     
  17. Arrakis

    Arrakis
    Member

    My wife made me wait for a month, I would just wait it out until she lets you know and she'll let you know :)
     
  18. Carfo

    Carfo
    Banned Member

    Just never pressure her. She already knows it's something you want, so when the time is right, she will let you know or she will initiate it. Take it slow, because if you rush her, you're going to ruin what you have with her. The fact that she's waiting is a good sign for you; it means she likes you.
     
  19. Subpar Scrub

    Subpar Scrub
    Member

    Jesus fucking Christ. When people ask "Why do women sometimes ghost?", just link this video. Damn.

    If you like puns,

    "FAT POLAR BEARS."

    otherwise,

    "If you could be any type of household appliance or furniture, what would you be?"

    "Quick! The bomb has less than 5 minutes on the clock, which wire do I cut? HELP."

    Each can go into weird, funny directions in my experience.

    This is an awful analogy haha

    Don't be apologetic about your desire for physical intimacy with her, it's understandable and I'm sure 95% of the people here can relate. Honestly, I think you're already in a relatively good headspace about it. You're right about not pressuring her, that's a good attitude to have, but don't worry too much about "Messing it up". If she likes you, which it certainly sounds like she does, it should be easy to not mess it up.

    Also, congrats on asking someone out at the gym and it working. Sounds to me like you did it as respectfully as you could, which is great. Also, listen to Addie below.
     
  20. Addie

    Addie
    Member

    There's nothing wrong. You're respecting each other's boundaries, building a relationship, and you're treating your partner with understanding and empathy - while also communicating, but not insisting on, your sexual interest.

    Basically, you're doing the right thing. You're not going to mess this up if you continue like this.
     
  21. Fox Chase

    Fox Chase
    Member

    I was dating a girl for 4-5 months but it recently ended because of arguments/tension over the fact that we weren’t sexually intimate yet. I kept feeling frustrated and would pressure her which would put her off even more. Did I completely mess up? Should I have kept waiting (for potentially forever)?

    (Context: she’d been with 7 other people before and was in her mid 20’s so this wasn’t an issue of lack of experience). I feel like if nothing has happened by about 2ish months in someone who isn’t otherwise prohibited by inexperience/religion there must be something up with the relationship...
     
  22. Addie

    Addie
    Member

    You didn't mess up. You simply weren't sexually compatible for whatever reason. Nearly half a year, for no stated intervening reason, simply means one thing: she didn't want to have sex with you.

    The why doesn't matter at this point. You should find an active, healthy sexual relationship.
     
  23. gaiages

    gaiages
    Member

    You did mess up because instead of sitting down and communicating with her, you instead pressured her and made the situation worse. Experience doesn't matter, there's a billion reasons why someone that has had sex before does not want to have sex now. Some of those reasons aren't good ones, but others are.

    You have to be able to communicate with someone if you want a healthy relationship. Pressuring/antagonizing/anything of the like is not cool.

    EDIT: If you did talk to her, then you did fine, but still don't pressure someone into anything, especially sex.
     
  24. Human sexuality is way too complicated to put time limits on certain milestones.

    I waited 8 months to have sex with my wife the first time. We were together 5 years before getting married. Sex can be sporadic. Pressure is the worst. You want things to happen naturally just through the affection and foreplay process. If I’m just like let’s have sex my changes are dim. If I put in effort, romance and foreplay and make her feel special and beautiful chances are extremely high.
     
  25. Subpar Scrub

    Subpar Scrub
    Member

    Whilst you have a point that it's uncommon for someone to not be physical for that long, (If they've been physical with other partners and aren't religious) you probably should have checked out of the relationship earlier and not have pressured her if she didn't want to be physical. Did you two have a talk about why she wasn't comfortable with being physical with you?
     
  26. PatMan

    PatMan
    Member

    Thanks guys and gals, really appreciate it. I've been elated these last few weeks. I've never approached a girl in my life and decided that this one was too pretty not to take a chance.
     
  27. True Savior

    True Savior
    Member

    You should reset your Tinder every month or so.

    Dont swipe and hide though. That's not beneficial at all.
     
  28. Subpar Scrub

    Subpar Scrub
    Member

    I agree with this.
     
  29. Subpar Scrub

    Subpar Scrub
    Member

    Not really, at least not the personal value assigned to sex. If I was with a girl for half a year and she didn’t want to have sex, I’d bail too. I want to be with someone who I can have a healthy sexual relationship with, where we both have mutual feelings, values and a desire for it. It’s fine to want that, and it’s fine to discontinue a relationship that doesn’t provide that.
     
  30. Alright, I promised details, so here they are.

    I was on my way to Columbia campus in NYC for an event which I helped organize. There were at least two girls in one of the lobbies who gave me positive looks. Like an idiot, I shot a nervous smile back and said nothing. I really had no idea what to say or how I was going to approach them. I choked up completely.

    But when the event was over and I was on my way out, yet another girl smiled at me. She was unbelievably hot, so I was even more nervous than before, but I was just like "fuck it, now's my chance" and I introduced myself. To my own surprise, we ended up talking for more than an hour and I got her number. She hugged me as I left.

    I'll call her within the next few days or so (don't want to over do it), but that was a serious contender for "best night of my life".
     
  31. Subpar Scrub

    Subpar Scrub
    Member

    Good stuff mate, make sure not to get too invested too quickly, but otherwise that’s nice to hear.
     
  32. Baked Pigeon

    Baked Pigeon
    Member

    Looking for some advice ERA.

    I've been dating a girl for a couple months now. Things are going great as far as chemistry goes. My problem is that she loves to eat food, and I've noticed she is putting on weight. She isn't what i would call fat, but if she keeps it up she will be.

    Looks aren't everything, but i do want to be physically attracted to the person I'm with.

    Is there s polite way to tell her she needs to eat better and exercise? I could just be blunt about it but i really would rather not go that route.
     
  33. Krauser Kat

    Krauser Kat
    Member

    Sexuality is a huge part of any relationship. Pressure is the wrong path in this situation. Communicating that sexual intimacy is a large part of your enjoyment or connection to a person in the early stages of a relationship. The lack of it in your relationship is making you question its sustainability. Its not wrong you broke up because of it.

    Some people will always be sexually incompatible.

    We dont know how exactly the conversation went down. We could help you parse how you phrased it. If this happens again you have the tools to communicate your needs better.
     
  34. Addie

    Addie
    Member

    Yes, human sexuality is complicated. But I'm not waiting 8 months, and my partner isn't waiting that long either. And yes, pressure is the worst: I'm not advocating for that.

    I'm simply saying: have sex with someone that wants to have sex with you.

    No, there's no polite way to do this. And it's also perfectly okay that attraction matters, because it absolutely does.

    She's showing through her actions that she'd rather enjoy a good meal than exercise or count calories. That's absolutely her choice. The question, really, isn't what she does but what you're willing to accept.

    The problem isn't that she arguably overeats. The actual problem is how you react to it. There's also the risk that you're likely going to start demonstrating - through your actions, even inadvertently - that you're noticing changes.

    Between telling her directly but gently that you're concerned you may lose some level of attraction versus, say, making snide comments or starting to appear disinterested in intimacy, the former is less bad.

    Edit: Let me also clarify - talking about concerns seems more appropriate for long-term relationships. Not someone that's quite new.
     
  35. scrubadam

    scrubadam
    Banned Member

    because going on one date with someone doesn't mean I am going to marry them and be with them for the next 50 years. Maybe you are more fortunate then most people on this board and all your dates work out, but with Online dateing 99% of your leads go nowhere. Most people ghost you after a message or two. If you somehow move to FB or real phone then they probably stand you up. If you even manage to get a date out of it they probably ghost you before the 2nd one.

    If you are on online dating IMO you have to cast a wide net and have plenty of fish available simply because odds are most of the people you are talking to won't work out and you aren't finding the one after 1 message or conversation.

    But to each there own. I guess thats the advantage of online dating you can filter people out and limit your choices. Don't want someone under 6ft tall no problem, don't want someone with a cat no problem. But keep in mind the people on the other end are doing the same and girls have way more option then guys on these apps.
     
  36. scrubadam

    scrubadam
    Banned Member

    That was my point. Why throw something away that didn't even start over something that can be worked around.

    Especially with online dating where most conversations lead nowhere. Maybe some people are Brad Pitt and can have any women they want on these apps, but I think most posting here 90% + of the people they message on the apps lead nowhere/ghostings.

    If you have a cute chick on the app talking to you set up a date and go from there. I doubt she is going to ask him to move in with her and marry her after one date.
     
  37. If I took that advice I wouldn’t be with the love of my life. She was worth the wait. It demonstrated that I just didn’t want her for sex. The trust and bond we now have is absolute because of that.

    Just because someone isn’t having sex with you right now or a month from now doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to have sex with you. There could be any number of explanations.

    Dating at least for me is not about sex. It’s about attempting to form a connection with someone that connection is more important than sex.
     
  38. gaiages

    gaiages
    Member

    Let's not forget that casting too wide of a net messes with some of online dating algorithms though. I know that's the case for Tinder, but I'm not sure which others.

    Basically, you got to strike a balance between too picky and not picky enough. If 'needs to not be allergic to cats' that balance for someone, then so be it!
     
  39. Addie

    Addie
    Member

    That's legitimately great for you, but it's not the counsel I'd provide in a general sense. Of course, there can be intervening factors, but mutual attraction that naturally escalates is, all things being equal, the natural order of things.
     
  40. Messofanego

    Messofanego
    Member

    Well done! Hope this lets you build confidence and drop the self-hatred that you're ugly or whatever.
     
  41. MilesQ

    MilesQ
    Member

    8 months is on the crazy side, but to each their own.

    Perhaps too personal a question, but what's sex like now? Does it require you wine and dine and spoil her completely every time? Does she ever initiate sex herself?
     
  42. SecondNature

    SecondNature
    Member

    How exactly do you reset tinder
     
  43. EarthBound64

    EarthBound64
    User was permanently banned at own request Member

    To be fair, I should clarify a bit more - I don't necessarily stop talking to someone as soon as finding out they're allergic to cats. Just, if they view it as important enough to list in their profile, I'm not going to contact them. And if, on finding out I have cats, they bring up their allergy as a roadblock, I'm going to stop talking to them. If they indicate it's something they can work with / work around, that's fine. Just, most of the time it's mentioned, it's in a "And so this isn't going to work / this won't work if you have your cats" sort of way. And my point is just that I'm not going to try to convince someone otherwise / try to get them to change their mind if they already have that mindset. And that if I know someone already has that mindset, it's not worthwhile to me to get to know them more / go on dates / etc. since, based on that, it's not going to work.
     
  44. Ok that’s much better. Plus sometimes just mentioning how your allergic to cats and laughing it off happens. I’m the end it’s another “you can’t force someone to be someway” situation.

    Thanks for the clarification.
     
  45. EarthBound64

    EarthBound64
    User was permanently banned at own request Member

    Typically if person mentions they're allergic to cats, I'll follow it up by asking something along the lines of "is it manageable / so is there any way this can work if I still have my cats?" to which they (without fail, so far) have responded "No."
    So, yeah, that was the area I was coming from, apologies for not being more clear with my initial post.
     
  46. Lulu

    Lulu
    Member

    Delete account in the settings