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DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Oct 25, 2017
374
I'd say just ask her what's up. Over the phone if that's a way you guys already communicate a lot. After three months I don't think you should tolerate being ghosted. I don't think you should care if you "look bad" or whatever. Be direct and stand up for your feelings. Who knows, maybe she's feeling blue for some reason and feels like she can't tell you.
We only talked a lot over the phone when she was out of town, I think it would have to be a text. You're right though, I think it's hypocritical of me to be upset with someone fading because they can't express how they feel if I'm not able to do it either.

You should tell her what you want not what you're "fine with." Maybe I'm wrong but I got the sense that you were going with the flow when she asked if you were on the same page. I don't know but whatever you feel you should definitely talk to her. Tell her you want something more serious and if she doesn't then you'll know and you can move on.
I honestly wouldn't care if she hooks up with other people, and I'm not against hooking up with other people. I was seeing two other people when we first started dating but those naturally gave way to my interest in her but I'm not opposed to hooking up with others casually either. My problem is with the sudden change in behavior and distance I'm feeling that wasn't there before. But I do think it would be worth hashing out because maybe we weren't on the same page about what seeing other people meant. I am happy with a serious but open relationship and it's something I've thought about a lot recently. We were so heavily invested in each other's day and weekends though that I find it hard to believe she was pursuing anything more serious with anyone else until possibly recently. But I do feel like once someone starts fading I rarely ever see it recover so maybe this is all moot.
 
OP
OP
Salamando
Oct 25, 2017
226
I honestly wouldn't care if she hooks up with other people, and I'm not against hooking up with other people. I was seeing two other people when we first started dating but those naturally gave way to my interest in her but I'm not opposed to hooking up with others casually either. My problem is with the sudden change in behavior and distance I'm feeling that wasn't there before. But I do think it would be worth hashing out because maybe we weren't on the same page about what seeing other people meant. I am happy with a serious but open relationship and it's something I've thought about a lot recently. We were so heavily invested in each other's day and weekends though that I find it hard to believe she was pursuing anything more serious with anyone else until possibly recently. But I do feel like once someone starts fading I rarely ever see it recover so maybe this is all moot.
You need to pick your lane and stay in it. Do you want exclusivity, or do you want an open relationship?

In my experience, whenever "asking me .... we are still on the same page about seeing other people" happens, that's a Define the Relationship moment. Given her reaction, I don't think you responded the way she wanted you to...
 
Oct 27, 2017
774
One of the most consistently useful bits of advice in all the Dating threads is this - don't focus on one person when you barely know them. Go on dates
with a bunch of people. You end up putting WAY too much thought into a person that has little basis in reality and it causes all kinds of shitty behavior.



Unless the person you're seeing is a narcissist who ensures that everything on the internet about them is positive, because nobody can know otherwise.
Easier said than done but this is the advice thats helped me the most when it comes to online dating. Always have a few dates lined up around the corner so you aren't too sad when it doesnt work out.

I still instinctively imagine what the rest of my life would be with a girl after I go out on the first date though lol, not gonna lie.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,483
I honestly wouldn't care if she hooks up with other people, and I'm not against hooking up with other people. I was seeing two other people when we first started dating but those naturally gave way to my interest in her but I'm not opposed to hooking up with others casually either. My problem is with the sudden change in behavior and distance I'm feeling that wasn't there before. But I do think it would be worth hashing out because maybe we weren't on the same page about what seeing other people meant. I am happy with a serious but open relationship and it's something I've thought about a lot recently. We were so heavily invested in each other's day and weekends though that I find it hard to believe she was pursuing anything more serious with anyone else until possibly recently. But I do feel like once someone starts fading I rarely ever see it recover so maybe this is all moot.
Like I said, tell her what you want and not what you’re “not against” or “not opposed to”. It sounds non-commital and wishy-washy. If you want a serious but open relationship, just say that’s what you want and see if she’s on board rather than just going with the flow.

Like Salamando said, she might have changed attitudes because of your answer at that time. Either way, you said she was drunk so it’s good that you’re gonna talk to her now.
 
Oct 25, 2017
374
You need to pick your lane and stay in it. Do you want exclusivity, or do you want an open relationship?

In my experience, whenever "asking me .... we are still on the same page about seeing other people" happens, that's a Define the Relationship moment. Given her reaction, I don't think you responded the way she wanted you to...
I didn't really think about it from that angle. Thanks

Like I said, tell her what you want and not what you’re “not against” or “not opposed to”. It sounds non-commital and wishy-washy. If you want a serious but open relationship, just say that’s what you want and see if she’s on board rather than just going with the flow.

Like Salamando said, she might have changed attitudes because of your answer at that time. Either way, you said she was drunk so it’s good that you’re gonna talk to her now.
I asked her an hour or two ago that I've noticed she has been distant since the trip and if everything is alright. It felt good to ask, whatever the answer may be.

I'm also very willing to have serious discussions about the relationship if she is open to it in her reply. If it is her just losing interest I'll just have to accept that.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
374
Not sure you needed to paste the message but yeah sounds like she's ending it. But still you should go
Thanks, could you edit your message? I'll go and meet up with her. One thing I don't want to do if she wants to end it, which seems likely from the message, is try and convince her otherwise. I'll stick to understanding. We have mutual friends so it's a good idea to stay friendly if we are going to be seeing each other around (and a good idea generally in life).
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,511
China
Thanks, could you edit your message? I'll go and meet up with her. One thing I don't want to do if she wants to end it, which seems likely from the message, is try and convince her otherwise. I'll stick to understanding. We have mutual friends so it's a good idea to stay friendly if we are going to be seeing each other around (and a good idea generally in life).
Yeah, it's over. I doubt she's going to say anything of value in the breakup talk from my experience. "It's me, not you. Let's stay friends, you'll make somebody a great boyfriend, I want to be single for a while, I want to experience life" one or all of those.
 
Oct 25, 2017
374
Yeah, it's over. I doubt she's going to say anything of value in the breakup talk from my experience. "It's me, not you. Let's stay friends, you'll make somebody a great boyfriend, I want to be single for a while, I want to experience life" one or all of those.
I ended up just asking to talk to her on the phone tonight instead of waiting to meet up. A couple of those topics like it’s not you it’s me let’s stay friends etc came up of course and while it’s not like we are going to be going out of our way to hang out we do run in similar circles and if we see each other it shouldn’t be too bad. Most of the call was us lamenting how a persons feelings can fade etc and how it’s a general bummer. I didn’t want to focus too much on explanations bc even when explaining people tell white lies to protect you and themselves etc.
 
Dec 12, 2018
60
Is it just me or has the vibe on Tinder changed? I'm by no means a womanizer so I've always just been friendly, but back in 2013 or 2014 I had quite a few good and often deep conversations with women from different backgrounds. They always seemed to enjoy my upbeat and friendly nature. Fast forward to now and it seems much harder to get a conversation going. Well, a meaningful conversation that is. More often than not they remain very superficial and just stop talking after a while. Not looking for actual advice on how to talk to women, just wondering if anyone else feels the same.
 
Oct 25, 2017
5,984
Is it just me or has the vibe on Tinder changed? I'm by no means a womanizer so I've always just been friendly, but back in 2013 or 2014 I had quite a few good and often deep conversations with women from different backgrounds. They always seemed to enjoy my upbeat and friendly nature. Fast forward to now and it seems much harder to get a conversation going. Well, a meaningful conversation that is. More often than not they remain very superficial and just stop talking after a while. Not looking for actual advice on how to talk to women, just wondering if anyone else feels the same.
People more serious about dating have moved on to other apps and mostly everyone else just keeps it around sorta in the background. In my opinion anyway. I still get a ton of matches on Tinder but no one is really talking on it. Other apps work much better for me here in NYC.

But yes, golden age Tinder was the goat(bring back moments).
 
Dec 12, 2018
60
People more serious about dating have moved on to other apps and mostly everyone else just keeps it around sorta in the background. In my opinion anyway. I still get a ton of matches on Tinder but no one is really talking on it. Other apps work much better for me here in NYC.

But yes, golden age Tinder was the goat(bring back moments).

Golden age of Tinder? Tell me more! I wasn't even aware of this at the time. I'm from Belgium by the way, so what other apps might you recommend? Out of the ~30 matches this month, only two women have engaged in an actual conversation with me on Tinder. All the other conversations fizzled out rather quickly or had a lack of engagement on their side.
 
Nov 1, 2017
2,871
I've noticed a decrease in matches on Tinder as well, what other apps do you think work better in Italy? I'm actually dating a girl I'm really into to be honest so I wouldn't download it as of right now, but I'm curious.
 
Oct 26, 2017
501
Well got the answer I was expecting after not getting a response for 2 days after my 2nd date. Went out for 3 1/2 hours and things seemed to go pretty well until she brought up religion, which I kinda got the sense that she didn't exactly like my response when I told her I wasn't religious (she was). While I'd be willing to go to church with someone, at the end of the day I still would not be religious.

So back to looking for a unicorn in central Oklahoma that actually responds to my messages. Things would be so much easier if I didn't work nights or 6 days a week (post office plant), but I honestly kinda like my job and once I make regular then I can have some room to change my hours and get a 2nd day off. Just got a new car too that's a bit too fancy, but damn it looks good.
 
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Oct 28, 2017
60
I honestly wouldn't care if she hooks up with other people, and I'm not against hooking up with other people. I was seeing two other people when we first started dating but those naturally gave way to my interest in her but I'm not opposed to hooking up with others casually either. My problem is with the sudden change in behavior and distance I'm feeling that wasn't there before. But I do think it would be worth hashing out because maybe we weren't on the same page about what seeing other people meant. I am happy with a serious but open relationship and it's something I've thought about a lot recently. We were so heavily invested in each other's day and weekends though that I find it hard to believe she was pursuing anything more serious with anyone else until possibly recently. But I do feel like once someone starts fading I rarely ever see it recover so maybe this is all moot.
You should ask yourself if an open relationship is something you actually want, or if you just said so because you thought it's what she wanted.

If she had asked to be exclusive that weekend, what would you have answered?
 
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Oct 25, 2017
374
You should ask yourself if an open relationship is something you actually want, or if you just said so because you thought it's what she wanted.

If she had asked to be exclusive that weekend, what would you have answered?
I probably would have said yes.

I remember the golden age of tinder pretty well. I was on it every day and meeting up with different people from all different backgrounds and lifestyles each week. I use hinge now, and while it is refreshingly more wholesome than tinder I will miss a bit of the wild west that tinder was. Met so many interesting people.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
5,984
Golden age of Tinder? Tell me more! I wasn't even aware of this at the time. I'm from Belgium by the way, so what other apps might you recommend? Out of the ~30 matches this month, only two women have engaged in an actual conversation with me on Tinder. All the other conversations fizzled out rather quickly or had a lack of engagement on their side.
It's in your post, 2013-15ish. I'm not sure about what dating apps are popular in your area haha. Though Bumble and Hinge seem like the two in NYC these days.
 
Oct 28, 2017
593
So what is the strategy on a site like Happy Pancake? I've never tried anything other than tinder really. Do I like their picture? Like description? "Flirt", whatever that means? Send a message right away?
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,209
So, im a 24 year old virgin and have been kind of desparate to get into a relationship lately and installed okcupid. Got a match with a super cute girl that lives right next to me. We went on a date and talked for a couple hours and it seemed to go well outside of a few awkward silences. I got her phone number and a second date afterwards.

I have absolutley no idea what im doing and have never been in this situation before. Honestly thought online dating would be a hopeless effot and everyone would swipe left on me cause im the awkward skinny nerd type.

Basically my question is: when do I start to try and make moves? im absolutely horrible at being able to read women and taking hints (which is probably one of the reasons why im a 24 year old virgin lol). I dont want to come off as weak and this to just turn into a friendship. We didnt really flirt or anything on the first date, just got to know each other. Maybe i should just start off with flirting on the second date and then try to move onto holding hands, etc on the next one? Or is that too slow?
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,511
China
So, im a 24 year old virgin and have been kind of desparate to get into a relationship lately and installed okcupid. Got a match with a super cute girl that lives right next to me. We went on a date and talked for a couple hours and it seemed to go well outside of a few awkward silences. I got her phone number and a second date afterwards.

I have absolutley no idea what im doing and have never been in this situation before. Honestly thought online dating would be a hopeless effot and everyone would swipe left on me cause im the awkward skinny nerd type.

Basically my question is: when do I start to try and make moves? im absolutely horrible at being able to read women and taking hints (which is probably one of the reasons why im a 24 year old virgin lol). I dont want to come off as weak and this to just turn into a friendship. We didnt really flirt or anything on the first date, just got to know each other. Maybe i should just start off with flirting on the second date and then try to move onto holding hands, etc on the next one? Or is that too slow?
Probably best if you don't verbally flirt if you're not good at it. Light touching arm or shoulder would be better but back off if she's not into it. Holding hands is good but I'd say that's an outside walking around thing to do. There's no fast or slow just the speed that two people are comfortable moving at.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,018
California
So, im a 24 year old virgin and have been kind of desparate to get into a relationship lately and installed okcupid. Got a match with a super cute girl that lives right next to me. We went on a date and talked for a couple hours and it seemed to go well outside of a few awkward silences. I got her phone number and a second date afterwards.

I have absolutley no idea what im doing and have never been in this situation before. Honestly thought online dating would be a hopeless effot and everyone would swipe left on me cause im the awkward skinny nerd type.

Basically my question is: when do I start to try and make moves? im absolutely horrible at being able to read women and taking hints (which is probably one of the reasons why im a 24 year old virgin lol). I dont want to come off as weak and this to just turn into a friendship. We didnt really flirt or anything on the first date, just got to know each other. Maybe i should just start off with flirting on the second date and then try to move onto holding hands, etc on the next one? Or is that too slow?
I usually try to get a smooch on the second date. My dates are usually very touchy on the first date though.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,209
Probably best if you don't verbally flirt if you're not good at it. Light touching arm or shoulder would be better but back off if she's not into it. Holding hands is good but I'd say that's an outside walking around thing to do. There's no fast or slow just the speed that two people are comfortable moving at.
What about simple stuff like saying "you look great" when we meet? Or is that too obvious
 
Oct 27, 2017
853
So I'm 34 and going through divorce. First time i dated in 7 years and even then I only went on one online date who later became my wife. Never had a relationship before that. So now I'm going to actually try dating. Signed up for Hinge and Bumble. Just went on my first Hinge date yesterday. I was surprised how well I did. She was some fancy lawyer and didnt think I would measure up, but i did. We even made out at the end of the night. I got 2 more dates this week too(Bumble) and a follow up date with the lawyer. So weird to think that I'm actually dating. 10 years ago I couldnt get a date to save my life.
 

jcs

Banned
Member
Aug 7, 2018
1,513
So I'm 34 and going through divorce. First time i dated in 7 years and even then I only went on one online date who later became my wife. Never had a relationship before that. So now I'm going to actually try dating. Signed up for Hinge and Bumble. Just went on my first Hinge date yesterday. I was surprised how well I did. She was some fancy lawyer and didnt think I would measure up, but i did. We even made out at the end of the night. I got 2 more dates this week too(Bumble) and a follow up date with the lawyer. So weird to think that I'm actually dating. 10 years ago I couldnt get a date to save my life.
Great to hear - hope you find someone great. If I had to guess, it's a combination of you being more mature than a 20-something and single women over 30 being, for lack of a better word, VERY eager to find someone.
 
Oct 27, 2017
853
Great to hear - hope you find someone great. If I had to guess, it's a combination of you being more mature than a 20-something and single women over 30 being, for lack of a better word, VERY eager to find someone.
Yea I always though I would shine in my 30s with the women. Teens and 20's sucked for me.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,209
Hrm, well shit. Had a second date lined up tonight but she cancelled an hour ago cause she "had to talk to her parents" instead. Asked her if she could do tomorrow instead and she said ok. Is that ringing any alarm bells for anyone or am i just being paranoid? Her parents live in another country (Japan) so maybe its just some weird thing where she can only talk to them at certain times. Idk.
 
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Nov 17, 2017
5,483
Hrm, well shit. Had a second date lined up tonight but she cancelled an hour ago cause she "had to talk to her parents" instead. Asked her if she could do tomorrow instead and she said ok. Is that ringing any alarm bells for anyone or am i just being paranoid? Her parents live in another country (Japan) so maybe its just some weird thing where she can only talk to them at certain times. Idk.
Weird. Sounds like a very lame excuse unless it was some sort of emergency.

Well, if you already set up a time for tomorrow, just relax and wait until then. If she cancels again, then you know it's time to bail.
 
Oct 27, 2017
571
Hrm, well shit. Had a second date lined up tonight but she cancelled an hour ago cause she "had to talk to her parents" instead. Asked her if she could do tomorrow instead and she said ok. Is that ringing any alarm bells for anyone or am i just being paranoid? Her parents live in another country (Japan) so maybe its just some weird thing where she can only talk to them at certain times. Idk.
It depends. If she said she wants to meet you tomorrow aka SHE rescheduled the date and not you, then yeah it looks like an emergency.

If you were the one asking her out again, red flag. She doesn’t appreciate your time. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes up with another excuse tomorrow.
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,753
Hrm, well shit. Had a second date lined up tonight but she cancelled an hour ago cause she "had to talk to her parents" instead. Asked her if she could do tomorrow instead and she said ok. Is that ringing any alarm bells for anyone or am i just being paranoid? Her parents live in another country (Japan) so maybe its just some weird thing where she can only talk to them at certain times. Idk.
It depends. If she said she wants to meet you tomorrow aka SHE rescheduled the date and not you, then yeah it looks like an emergency.

If you were the one asking her out again, red flag. She doesn’t appreciate your time. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes up with another excuse tomorrow.
2nd this. If she just gave that lame excuse without asking to reschedule then she was hoping to bail is my bet.
 
Oct 27, 2017
571
And even IF the date happens tomorrow, you are enabling her to pull that shit to you. Meaning she will likely do this again in the future. You don’t want a woman who doesn’t appreciate your time. Cancelling a date HOURS before is very shitty, if it was an emergency she would have been eager to put things right. Looks like she didn’t.
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,753
I dont get why she wouldn't just say no then, just be honest :p
Conflict avoidance, not wanting to chance you calling her a bitch or a whore for not wanting to see you again (not that you would, but it's a worry for women), or they just don't give a shit about you or others' time much. Could be a thousand reasons and I've learned not to bother pondering why.
 
Oct 27, 2017
571
I dont get why she wouldn't just say no then, just be honest :p
It is because she doesn’t want you to confront her in anger.

Most women are not that confrontational, they will not outright say the truth, they just want us to take a hint. Cancelling the date hours before, means she doesn’t currently appreciate you and probably giving you a hint that she’s not all that in to you.

You can still go, but unless she couldn’t keep her hands off you at the end of the date, this won’t go anywhere. I mean, you enabled her already to pull that shit to you. There are other women out there that wouldn’t do that and respect your time.

I mean, cancelling the whole date because she needs to talk to her parents? How old is she? Can they wait?
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,209
It is because she doesn’t want you to confront her in anger.

Most women are not that confrontational, they will not outright say the truth, they just want us to take a hint. Cancelling the date hours before, means she doesn’t currently appreciate you and probably giving you a hint that she’s not all that in to you.

You can still go, but unless she couldn’t keep her hands off you at the end of the date, this won’t go anywhere. I mean, you enabled her already to pull that shit to you. There are other women out there that wouldn’t do that and respect your time.

I mean, cancelling the whole date because she needs to talk to her parents? How old is she? Can they wait?
Yeah, youre probably right. But Ill wait and see how it goes because its extremely slim pickings for me on these sites (i get maybe 1 like a week max and half of them seem to be weird scammers trying to get you to do something for them). Maybe im just going through the bargaining stage of denial right now, but the one thing that gives me hope is that she mentioned in the first date her parents were like helicopter parents and treated her like shes still a kid and it was annoying. So maybe they have some super weird relationship.
 
Oct 25, 2017
244
There really doesn't need to be a big discussion about this, but sometimes doing the right thing hurts. A lot.

The last two relationship opportunities I've had I've torpedoed before even giving them a chance because I felt it was the right thing to do given outside circumstances. In the long run I may have saved myself some pain/trouble, but in the short term? It isn't fun.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
2,209
So update: date happened, apparently she had to video chat with her family for the chinese new year (shes from China). It was a family reunion thing where she only gets to see some people once a year.

It went well, got another lined up next Friday. I was too much of a wuss to make any moves though.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,209

Kiss the damn girl!
Its weird, we were walking around for like 20 minutes talking and she was smiling at me and i could tell in her eyes she wanted me to do something. I guess its cause shes super cute, way out of my league, and I'm just a generic pale lanky glasses nerd and almost feel guilty if i do anything.

Its like those sitcoms where the ugly guy gets the hot girlfriend and everyones like "WTF?"