DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Been bombing out of dates left and right since before Christmas. Three out of four dates didn't even go to a second. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's because I treat the first date too much like a friendly meeting? All have been drinks at a bar but I never go for any kind of moves and maybe I give off a top friendly vibe rather than romantic. Any tips?
A date's recent experiences can often play into who they may find more appealing for a follow-up date. Burning out is a very real thing and rapid-fire dating can often cause people to sort of "daydream" through dates, especially true for women, including myself when I used to go on a ton of dates at once. This is especially true when I talk with my older friends who want to hook up with a dude while they're still in their early thirties before the "panic" phase of not being able to physically start a family kicks in. Focus on the personality of that one individual who wanted to give you a second date and seek out other potential dates that exhibit the same behaviour and traits that particular person has. If you enjoy the company of that particular type of person you may have more success dating similar people!
 
Jan 26, 2019
77
When she complains that she has lost something or something is broken, take note of that. You can get her a replacement as a gift and she’d appreciate it. Offer her things that’ll make her life more convenient. Like offer her rides or be DD if you guys go out drinking. Offer to help her cook. Or just cook for her. Try and plan fun and out of the ordinary dates (not weird, just not things you always do).
This is good advice.

Been bombing out of dates left and right since before Christmas. Three out of four dates didn't even go to a second. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's because I treat the first date too much like a friendly meeting? All have been drinks at a bar but I never go for any kind of moves and maybe I give off a top friendly vibe rather than romantic. Any tips?
How about coffee dates? Is café culture good where you live?
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,940
So, when youre still getting to know each other, is 1 date a week normal? Ive been scheduling them for fridays or Saturdays so that we dont move too fast but I really like her now and am just waiting through the week to see her and its exhausting.

Might see if she wants to do something during the week but I don't want to have the opposite effect and have things burn out fast.
 
So, when youre still getting to know each other, is 1 date a week normal? Ive been scheduling them for fridays or Saturdays so that we dont move too fast but I really like her now and am just waiting through the week to see her and its exhausting.

Might see if she wants to do something during the week but I don't want to have the opposite effect and have things burn out fast.
Totally normal, 1 date a week is a good starting point and doesn't put too much pressure on either party. And asking about that second date a week is worth a shot if you've both been consistently dating for a good few weeks! Just ask that if she has any spare time during the week would she like to go out on a second, shorter date during the week. Worst thing you can be told is that she wouldn't be up for that and you could just keep going at your usual pace.
 
Oct 25, 2017
611
Era, I have a dilemma. I have been dating someone for almost 6 months now. She's sooo sweet, considerate, responsible, stable, etc. I'm about to turn 28 and at this point of my life she's what I need. Big problem though, the spark is simply not there. I just don't love her. It's strange, I feel like I've found a great woman yet i find myself not missing her; being ok with not seeing her for extended periods of time. I think part of it is I'm not attracted to her physically. I feel like a superficial dumbass because, outside of her looks, she is exactly what I'm looking for.

I'm not sure what your of advice I'm looking for, I think I mostly needed to get that off my chest.


I'm a tool
Welp, I broke wit her and I feel like total shit. I'm crying my eyeballs out. I told her exactly how I felt: I think she's amazing but I haven't been able to develop strong feelings. She blamed it on herself and before she left she said "I'm just not good" and that broke my heart. She is amazing and I hurt her. I hope she finds someone who isn't a shallow shit face like me :'c and can treat her right. I deserve to die for what I've done. Slightly suicidal. I hate life it's fucking overrated. I hope I become a bad fat worthless shit
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,222
This is good advice.



How about coffee dates? Is café culture good where you live?
It’s been my own style of doing things. First present I ever got my girlfriend was a coffee travel mug. This was a Christmas present. She told me she lost hers before we started dating in August of that same year. I don’t fuck around when it comes to gifts lmao
 
Welp, I broke wit her and I feel like total shit. I'm crying my eyeballs out. I told her exactly how I felt: I think she's amazing but I haven't been able to develop strong feelings. She blamed it on herself and before she left she said "I'm just not good" and that broke my heart. She is amazing. I hope she finds someone who isn't a shallow shit face like me :'c
You did the right thing though dude. It'd be unfair if she got stuck in a relationship where the spark wasn't mutual. And unfair on yourself as well. She'll move on, just like I'm sure you will eventually after a bit of healing time. Keeping somebodies interest for over six months is impressive, and I bet you can do it again and build up a stronger relationship with somebody who you'll have stronger feelings for. Don't give up hope, chin up, and go get 'em sport!
 
How often do you do random thoughtful things for your partner? My girlfriend has said she wishes I'd put in a little more effort, and we kinda got into an argument about it this weekend. Tbh I'm not entirely sure what she wants.. She does things like cooks for me, and gave me rides when I didn't have a license. One thing she mentioned was buying something I thought she'd need if I saw it. I feel like I'm not good at this stuff..
Love languages my dude. Learn about them and figure out what they are for the two of you and whether you can bridge that gap.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,936
China
So, when youre still getting to know each other, is 1 date a week normal? Ive been scheduling them for fridays or Saturdays so that we dont move too fast but I really like her now and am just waiting through the week to see her and its exhausting.

Might see if she wants to do something during the week but I don't want to have the opposite effect and have things burn out fast.
Ask her for dinner one evening in the week, something more involved for the weekend dates.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,032
Welp, I broke wit her and I feel like total shit. I'm crying my eyeballs out. I told her exactly how I felt: I think she's amazing but I haven't been able to develop strong feelings. She blamed it on herself and before she left she said "I'm just not good" and that broke my heart. She is amazing and I hurt her. I hope she finds someone who isn't a shallow shit face like me :'c and can treat her right. I deserve to die for what I've done. Slightly suicidal. I hate life it's fucking overrated. I hope I become a bad fat worthless shit
I went through something similar with an ex, except in my case we were together for... two years. It was bad. You did the right thing. She will recover, and you will too.

Please reach out to friends or family if you can. This is the kind of thing that feels awful to be in the middle of, but looks very small from the outside. Getting perspective from people IRL might help more than anonymous internet strangers.
 
Oct 26, 2017
3,709
California
Welp, I broke wit her and I feel like total shit. I'm crying my eyeballs out. I told her exactly how I felt: I think she's amazing but I haven't been able to develop strong feelings. She blamed it on herself and before she left she said "I'm just not good" and that broke my heart. She is amazing and I hurt her. I hope she finds someone who isn't a shallow shit face like me :'c and can treat her right. I deserve to die for what I've done. Slightly suicidal. I hate life it's fucking overrated. I hope I become a bad fat worthless shit
I went through something similar with an ex, except in my case we were together for... two years. It was bad. You did the right thing. She will recover, and you will too.

Please reach out to friends or family if you can. This is the kind of thing that feels awful to be in the middle of, but looks very small from the outside. Getting perspective from people IRL might help more than anonymous internet strangers.
I agree with everything wart said, having gone through it myself as well. The adage is trite, but time heals all wounds. The thing I thought would haunt me forever (her visceral reaction when I said I wanted to break up) ended up not being a thing I think about... ever. And yeah, it was a positive move for both of us, long-term. As it will be for you, tintskuecha.

I promise you it’ll get better, you’ll both move on. It sucks for right now, but now isn’t forever.
 
Oct 28, 2017
5,997
Welp, I broke wit her and I feel like total shit. I'm crying my eyeballs out. I told her exactly how I felt: I think she's amazing but I haven't been able to develop strong feelings. She blamed it on herself and before she left she said "I'm just not good" and that broke my heart. She is amazing and I hurt her. I hope she finds someone who isn't a shallow shit face like me :'c and can treat her right. I deserve to die for what I've done. Slightly suicidal. I hate life it's fucking overrated. I hope I become a bad fat worthless shit
I understand you feel bad but you still need to evaluate this from the perspective that you shared with us before. You just didn't feel like you loved her or longed for her. The best thing you can do for the both of you is not prolong something that isn't real. Try and surround yourself with some friends and family.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,329
So not exactly a dating dilemma but I am in a bit of a pickle and people will tell me to let go and find someone else and they are probably right but whatever. There's this girl I once saw years ago, when I saw her I just thought she was cute but didn't think anything would come out of it especially because she was going to go abroad for a whole year in a few months time. But she started showing interest in me, she wanted to meet me, talk to me and hang out with me. Within a month I revealed my feelings to her and she told me she felt the same but is not sure what to do because she is going to be away for a year. I said let's just make the best use of time we have. And until the day she left we had an amazing time and had so many moments. We had physical intimacy but I never had sex with her despite the fact that she said she thinks of it too. In hindsight I probably should have but she used to tell me that even though she wants to, she think's she'll feel hurt and miss me all the time once she is away and she does not want to be in a position where she feels miserable for a whole year. So I thought to myself, look no big deal there's a reason we are so close and we can just pick it up later maybe not exactly where we leave but hey we already like each other so much so what could go wrong. Plus she told me that she'll never forget how I make her feel because I mean something special to her. Boy was I naive!

The one year she was away we kept in touch frequently, I even went to visit her once when I was around. But when she came back she was distant immediately, I could feel her pushing me away and I never understood the reason why. So I asked her and it seemed like sometimes it was committment issues, sometimes it was something else. Pretty soon it all blew up and we stopped interacting fully for years. I dated a few women in this time, had fun but none of them made me feel the same way as her. (Well one of them came close but she had to leave town for good and we called it off and said goodbye)

But anyways last year we met up again and recently we started talking and hanging out a lot. I started feeling something again for her so I asked her out, to which she basically said while I have everything that attracts her, there is one thing I lack for her i.e. she doesn't find me sexually attractive and since she wants to go into her next relationship with the intention of it lasting a lifetime (same as me) she doesn't feel ready for that kind of committment yet to give it a try and see if the spark can come back. As she isn't even sure what she'll do or where she'll be this year but knows that she will have to start thinking about it and take action next year if she wants that in her life. I mean fair play, but if she didn't know me much or at all and I had asked her out she'd probably taken the chance regardless of her view on committment as I have everything that she finds attractive in a person and without the years of cut contact the sexual interest would be there from the start too, but all that's what if and doesn't matter much if she has her mind made up right now that it's not even worth a try.

Then she told me how now I'll be like every other guy and stop talking to her because she wouldn't go out with me. Thing is, she brings this "you'll be like every other guy" all the time. "You'll be like every other guy and hurt me after I get close to you", "You'll be like every other guy who just makes empty promises". Some of those she told me she was wrong about...the last one especially from the around time when I first revealed my feelings for her. She told me she was wrong about me and from there on we got closer.

That's all fine by me, but I'm kinda tired of being compared to every other guy when I've proven time and again that for I am different. What bugs me is that how being like every other guy she's been with is a negative, but when it comes to sexual attraction it's a positive as in "Every other guy I've dated I've was sexually attracted to from the start, but not to you". So I asked what about all those years ago? Was there no spark? To which she dismissed it as "Yes but for like 5 minutes. I was going through a breakup that I didn't get over with until recently". I know for a fact it was a lot more than 5 minutes, hell I still have messages from her from that time to prove otherwise lol. So I guess I was a rebound or an emotional support for when she was lonely only to be forgotten once she didn't need me even though she made me believe otherwise?

Thing is, I don't know what to do with her now. She is a good person and I know it in my heart, but she has underlying issues with relationships and friendships due to her past experiences and family issues. She is also incredibly fickle and can do a 180, but in the moment she really believes what she does is the best action. I honestly do enjoy her company and we get along well every single time we hang out. And I have her full attention with genuine care when we do that. I am mature enough to be her friend despite knowing that I want to be with her. But I'm not sure if she's up to the task to be friends with someone knowing how he feels about her sexually and romantically. Afterall it's what blew it up all those years ago. We've always kind of tried things her way and it's always fired backwards. I know people will suggest me to go find someone else and I probably will, but I do not want to cut her off because she doesn't deserves that. Still it does sting a bit that she has rewritten the narrative/history in her mind and that does not sit right with me. So I feel like I should bring it up because it will bug me if left unsaid.


I'm sorry if I do not make much sense, I just thought it'd be best to let it out and ask for advice on what to do about her. Please do note that I'm not here asking how to win her over, if we are meant to be together it'll come back on its own without me having to try for anything or make it happen. I very much want her in my life and I am happy to be her friend. I do know that I will want more from her and she is aware of it too. But I'm not sure how to handle this right now and what to talk about with her. We are like two divorced people who get along well despite never fully being together. Yea I probably should've slept with her the countless number of times she stayed over at my place all those years ago lol, but I was inexperienced and naive back then.
 
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Oct 28, 2017
5,997
I'm sorry if I do not make much sense, I just thought it'd be best to let it out and ask for advice on what to do about her. Please do note that I'm not here asking how to win her over, if we are meant to be together it'll come back on its own without me having to try for anything or make it happen. I very much want her in my life and I am happy to be her friend. I do know that I will want more from her and she is aware of it too. But I'm not sure how to handle this right now and what to talk about with her. We are like two divorced people who get along well despite never fully being together lol
If you just want to be friends (you don't but I'll humour it) then you just don't even bother addressing it because what does it ultimately accomplish? "Yo I like you and want more but you'll never see me as a partner so lets pretend my real feelings don't exist and be friends"? That's an awkward convo waiting to happen. And when she dates someone else you're gonna feel some type of way.

Then she told me how now I'll be like every other guy and stop talking to her because she wouldn't go out with me.
If you were smart you would be like those other dudes. Look man, you don't owe her shit. And her whole, "you'll be like every other guy and hurt me when I get close" bit. Man honestly, what type of shit is this to be laying on someone you claim to like and respect? Relationships need to be mutually beneficial and wanted on both ends. It doesn't matter if its a significant other, or a friendship, or a student/mentor or whatever. She wants you to stick around because she is getting exactly what she wants and needs from you. But what the fuck are you getting from it? Certainly not what you want and I'd argue not what you need either. If all your interactions with this girl fulfilled this criteria you wouldn't be having any real issues so you need to evaluate what this relationship is actually doing for you.

I know people will suggest me to go find someone else and I probably will, but I do not want to cut her off because she doesn't deserves that.
Why exactly "doesn't" she deserve that? I'll never get this logic but humour me with your reasoning.

Other posters will be able to offer different perspectives but what I've learned is that things come to a natural conclusion and prolonging them doesn't do you any good. You need to do what is good for you and not worry about the other person. The other person will get the fuck over it, or maybe they wont. But either way it really is not your responsibility to harbour your own issues and feelings and also make sure you pacify them as well. I guarantee you this girl is not giving you the consideration you are giving her.

I feel like dudes and girls think that once they are rejected it's petty to just look at the other person and say, "if you don't want to date lets just go our separate ways". Like once you have been rejected you owe the person who rejected you something more. But you don't. They can't have their cake and eat it too. It really is that simple. Take care of you, because the party that rejected did so to take care of themselves. If you genuinely want friendship and nothing else sure. But lets be honest, that is rarely the case.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,936
China
Then she told me how now I'll be like every other guy and stop talking to her because she wouldn't go out with me. Thing is, she brings this "you'll be like every other guy" all the time. "You'll be like every other guy and hurt me after I get close to you", "You'll be like every other guy who just makes empty promises".
There's only one constant with all her past relationships. Her.
I can guarantee you she's been the same with "every other guy" and they have had the sense to bail out of her manipulating leading-on with a hint of a chance of a relationship.

Move the fuck on, this is not the stormy Mills & Boon troubled romance you seem to think it is in your head. Your falling for the sunk cost fallacy. Forget her, talk to other girls who will want an actual relationship with you and not one thats been dangling a relationship carrot in front of you for years.
 
Move the fuck on, this is not the stormy Mills & Boon troubled romance you seem to think it is in your head. Your falling for the sunk cost fallacy. Forget her, talk to other girls who will want an actual relationship with you and not one thats been dangling a relationship carrot in front of you for years.
Got it in one! There's been deliberation for multiple years at this point. Nothing wrong with staying friends and all, but if she clearly can't or won't want to commit to a relationship and is leading you around in circles for this long, I'd take Crazybacon's advice and just ditch the notion of a relationship and just look elsewhere. Mingle with a few other ladies, get to know some folks. You'll probably find somebody a lot more confident about what they want. The whole thing is a perfect example of sunk time and sunk cost, as Bacon said. Remove that uncertainness and clear your head, otherwise you'll be mulling over it for more years to comes!
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,329
If you just want to be friends (you don't but I'll humour it) then you just don't even bother addressing it because what does it ultimately accomplish? "Yo I like you and want more but you'll never see me as a partner so lets pretend my real feelings don't exist and be friends"? That's an awkward convo waiting to happen. And when she dates someone else you're gonna feel some type of way.
Well I'll get some clarity on whether she actually does respect me or is just pretending to. I've made it very clear to her that if she wants me in her life even as a friend then she cannot expect me to pretend my feelings don't exist because I will have those feelings and if those feelings drive her away later on then I'd rather just drop it here and now.

If you were smart you would be like those other dudes. Look man, you don't owe her shit. And her whole, "you'll be like every other guy and hurt me when I get close" bit. Man honestly, what type of shit is this to be laying on someone you claim to like and respect? Relationships need to be mutually beneficial and wanted on both ends. It doesn't matter if its a significant other, or a friendship, or a student/mentor or whatever. She wants you to stick around because she is getting exactly what she wants and needs from you. But what the fuck are you getting from it? Certainly not what you want and I'd argue not what you need either. If all your interactions with this girl fulfilled this criteria you wouldn't be having any real issues so you need to evaluate what this relationship is actually doing for you.
I understand that she basically asked me to be in her life only on her terms and I don't need to be her "doctor" per say where I'm there only to help and support her only for her to run away when it's me who needs some of that in my life. I do get a lot out of my interactions with her, not to the extent I'd want but it's more than what I get out of most of my other friends.

Why exactly "doesn't" she deserve that? I'll never get this logic but humour me with your reasoning.

Other posters will be able to offer different perspectives but what I've learned is that things come to a natural conclusion and prolonging them doesn't do you any good. You need to do what is good for you and not worry about the other person. The other person will get the fuck over it, or maybe they wont. But either way it really is not your responsibility to harbour your own issues and feelings and also make sure you pacify them as well. I guarantee you this girl is not giving you the consideration you are giving her.

I feel like dudes and girls think that once they are rejected it's petty to just look at the other person and say, "if you don't want to date lets just go our separate ways". Like once you have been rejected you owe the person who rejected you something more. But you don't. They can't have their cake and eat it too. It really is that simple. Take care of you, because the party that rejected did so to take care of themselves. If you genuinely want friendship and nothing else sure. But lets be honest, that is rarely the case.
I do genuinely care for her and I know that if I cut her off it will hurt her, I just do not want myself to be the person to do that to her. I won't pretend to say that I do not want anything more than a friendship from her, I do and as long as I keep seeing her it will be in my mind. What I'm saying is that I am capable of keeping that aside and form a genuine friendship with her despite of wanting that, but only as long as she is able to respect my feelings and understands the gravity behind what I'm doing. Cause if she does then it's just a matter of differences in what each of us feel romantically for each other while still feeling a sense of care and affection on some level.


I donno man, I guess I'll just have to sit down and talk, probably lay it all out how much the relationship will skew towards on side on what she wants alone and see what she says then come to a conclusion on my own.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,329
There's only one constant with all her past relationships. Her.
I can guarantee you she's been the same with "every other guy" and they have had the sense to bail out of her manipulating leading-on with a hint of a chance of a relationship.

Move the fuck on, this is not the stormy Mills & Boon troubled romance you seem to think it is in your head. Your falling for the sunk cost fallacy. Forget her, talk to other girls who will want an actual relationship with you and not one thats been dangling a relationship carrot in front of you for years.
I'll admit, I didn't think of it this way and she does have a tendency to let her own indecisiveness and confusion affect the other person.
But I do know that her last relationship was good and ended on good terms, they were simply moving away to different places for good. But that was several years ago.

But really I don't want to give you guys the impression that I'm depressed and obsessed over this girl to the detriment of my own life. I'm a grown ass man who has managed to get enough game in the time since I first met her and now, plus I work out and am pretty much ripped so that bit is already good so I'll be ok hah. It's just that I'm too much of a hermit to bother going out and meet people, even friends.
 
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Oct 28, 2017
5,997
Well I'll get some clarity on whether she actually does respect me or is just pretending to. I've made it very clear to her that if she wants me in her life even as a friend then she cannot expect me to pretend my feelings don't exist because I will have those feelings and if those feelings drive her away later on then I'd rather just drop it here and now.
The thing is you don't need her to come out here and clarify anything. You seem to have this idea that in order for you to make a decision she also needs to have some say in it. Dude, she doesn't. Dude, she is gonna say whatever she think is necessary to keep you around. Actions speak louder than words man. She doesn't need to clarify if she respects you. Reading your posts it is obvious to us on the outside that this is not what a friendship looks like.

I understand that she basically asked me to be in her life only on her terms and I don't need to be her "doctor" per say where I'm there only to help and support her only for her to run away when it's me who needs some of that in my life. I do get a lot out of my interactions with her, not to the extent I'd want but it's more than what I get out of most of my other friends.
You misinterpret the point of that paragraph. The point is that in a relationship you need to be fully satisfied with what you are getting. It doesn't matter if your interactions with her are wonderful compared to you other friends if you want to date her. You don't want to date your other friends so the fundamental source of tension in this situation doesn't exist there. Its that simple. If I actually believed that the fact you like her isn't tinting your comparison of her to your other friends, it still does not change that longing for more does not make for a healthy relationship.

I'll say it again. She gets exactly what she wants from you. Why would she change anything?

I do genuinely care for her and I know that if I cut her off it will hurt her, I just do not want myself to be the person to do that to her.
So this is about taking care of her cause she is a delicate flower that you must protect? You don't seem to actually have a problem with the way you are being treated so I genuinely do not get what your issue is then. You dont want to hurt her because she is perfect. Then don't.

I won't pretend to say that I do not want anything more than a friendship from her, I do and as long as I keep seeing her it will be in my mind. What I'm saying is that I am capable of keeping that aside and form a genuine friendship with her despite of wanting that, but only as long as she is able to respect my feelings and understands the gravity behind what I'm doing.
I'm sorry but this is fundamentally untrue. You can't have a genuine friendship with someone you love and want to be with. How is that genuine? It is the opposite of genuine. A platonic relationship requires that you DONT want anything more. That in your heart the situation you share with this person is whatbyou also desire. And worse, you are treating what you are doing like its some big gesture to her. "Understand the pain that this causes me girl". Why should she need to do that if this was a genuine friendship?

I donno man, I guess I'll just have to sit down and talk, probably lay it all out how much the relationship will skew towards on side on what she wants alone and see what she says then come to a conclusion on my own.
I still don't get why you need her input. When she starts dating a new guy are you gonna be cool with that? When she brings him to shit will you be cool. When she starts interacting with you less as their relationship deepens are you going to be cool? Because she is going to do all this stuff regardless because she is going to look out for what is good for her.

I'll give you an example. I had a friend and I enjoyed being his friend and hanging out with him. But he had a fundamental issue with not respecting people, not respectimg their time and not treating them with courtesy. And I brought this up to him during our friendship. One night he invited me to a party so I shuffled around a trip out of town to go. And he blew me off and I was pissed. And that was it. I cut him off right then and there because that what was necessary for me. He had no say in it. We didn't talk about it. I didn't get his perspective. Because none of that shit matters. I needed to do what was best for me so I did it. And to this day I know he regrets it. I got sob stories about how sorry he was for months. But it doesn't fucking matter, that relationship was not giving me what I needed so it doesn't exist anymore.

It really is that simple. Just cut it off man. Relationships should not be this difficult.
 
Oct 25, 2017
14,704
My girlfriend of 4 months revealed to me last night that she's been married before (we're both 30), which is definitely something to process. It was only a year ago too. It doesn't change how I feel about her though, I still feel very happy to be with her.
 

Xena

Member
Oct 25, 2017
39
So, I've tried Bumble and Tinder. I like Bumble better because I get to start the convo. Went on dates from both, but I didn't find that spark yet. Both apps seem to have floods of people who are outdoors-type, which caught me by surprise because you'd think they'd be outdoors, meeting each other. Hahaha.
So, I've been dating outdoor type of guys, but because I'm more indoors, I don't feel like it's going to work out so I don't continue with a 2nd date.

Anyway, is there another app I should be looking for more indoors/geeky type of people, or is it just luck of the draw? I honestly can't believe that I'm the only person so far with pics of her gaming rig in the background. Or is it more of a problem due to my area (Metro Detroit-Ann Arbor MI)? I moved here 2 years ago and felt like I was established enough to start a relationship.

In the past I'd meet dates going to meetups of like minded interests, but unfortunately my job has been keeping me from going to those due to irregular schedule.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,936
China
My girlfriend of 4 months revealed to me last night that she's been married before (we're both 30), which is definitely something to process. It was only a year ago too. It doesn't change how I feel about her though, I still feel very happy to be with her.
She told you because she feels she's at the point in the relationship where she feels theres a future but at the same time not so deep that she could not move on if you rejected her because of her past.

You're happy with each other, so just carry on as you are.
 
Oct 28, 2017
585
So, I've tried Bumble and Tinder. I like Bumble better because I get to start the convo. Went on dates from both, but I didn't find that spark yet. Both apps seem to have floods of people who are outdoors-type, which caught me by surprise because you'd think they'd be outdoors, meeting each other. Hahaha.
So, I've been dating outdoor type of guys, but because I'm more indoors, I don't feel like it's going to work out so I don't continue with a 2nd date.

Anyway, is there another app I should be looking for more indoors/geeky type of people, or is it just luck of the draw? I honestly can't believe that I'm the only person so far with pics of her gaming rig in the background. Or is it more of a problem due to my area (Metro Detroit-Ann Arbor MI)? I moved here 2 years ago and felt like I was established enough to start a relationship.

In the past I'd meet dates going to meetups of like minded interests, but unfortunately my job has been keeping me from going to those due to irregular schedule.
I don't think you should be ruling out a second date on the basis of differing interests. Who knows, you might click really well with this person down the line and end up enjoying going outdoors with him/her?
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,936
China
So, I've tried Bumble and Tinder. I like Bumble better because I get to start the convo. Went on dates from both, but I didn't find that spark yet. Both apps seem to have floods of people who are outdoors-type, which caught me by surprise because you'd think they'd be outdoors, meeting each other. Hahaha.
So, I've been dating outdoor type of guys, but because I'm more indoors, I don't feel like it's going to work out so I don't continue with a 2nd date.

Anyway, is there another app I should be looking for more indoors/geeky type of people, or is it just luck of the draw? I honestly can't believe that I'm the only person so far with pics of her gaming rig in the background. Or is it more of a problem due to my area (Metro Detroit-Ann Arbor MI)? I moved here 2 years ago and felt like I was established enough to start a relationship.

In the past I'd meet dates going to meetups of like minded interests, but unfortunately my job has been keeping me from going to those due to irregular schedule.
Honestly being a "Gamer girl" should be enough to get a lot of interest from the indoors types. Maybe the guys you're looking for have already tapped out on online dating?
 
Oct 27, 2017
704
Love languages my dude. Learn about them and figure out what they are for the two of you and whether you can bridge that gap.
Yeah we were actually talking about that the other night haha. She says acts of service is her main one, which is really not something I think about naturally (I think physical touch is the most important for me). But I just need to be a little better about anticipating her needs or things she would like.
 

Xena

Member
Oct 25, 2017
39
Thanks for the replies. What's the discord link for this group? I tried accessing the one on the first page, but it says the invite is invalid.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,001
So I'm not doing that well career-wise and recently moved back home for economical reasons, and I might have a date set with a girl who's clearly successful (based on her education and where she lives). Anyone have any experience with this outward imbalance? It's not like I can actively look for people in my income bracket, but this scenario is causing my anxiety to flare up.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,518
Osaka
So I'm not doing that well career-wise and recently moved back home for economical reasons, and I might have a date set with a girl who's clearly successful (based on her education and where she lives). Anyone have any experience with this outward imbalance? It's not like I can actively look for people in my income bracket, but this scenario is causing my anxiety to flare up.
It really depends on the person, of course, but in my experience it's not really a problem at start but it can become one down the line, mainly if the partner doesn't feel like you are putting the necessary effort to change the situation (be it true or not), but again, it depends on the person. If you've been relatively upfront about your situation maybe they don't mind? I don't think you should worry about that just now.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,813
D.C.
So I'm not doing that well career-wise and recently moved back home for economical reasons, and I might have a date set with a girl who's clearly successful (based on her education and where she lives). Anyone have any experience with this outward imbalance? It's not like I can actively look for people in my income bracket, but this scenario is causing my anxiety to flare up.
Not meant to sound glib, but: you'll have to get over it.

Also keep in mind that someone's dating persona (featuring education and hints about where they work) is painted in the best possible light. Everyone hits bumps in their career. Or, you know, maybe she's killing it and doesn't need or want to date someone who's in the same income bracket as her.

To be honest, what you're saying has nothing to do with any potential dates. Rather, you're suggesting that you're embarrassed about your current trajectory in life. Obviously it's affected your confidence, and I'm sure that you're already dreading having to "explain" your current career situation when she discloses hers.

Get ahead of that. Figure out a plan for your future. It doesn't have to be a 100% solution and you're allowed to change it. But you're going to want to deliver that explanation without a whiff of embarrassment.
 
OP
OP
Salamando
Oct 25, 2017
208
Thanks for the replies. What's the discord link for this group? I tried accessing the one on the first page, but it says the invite is invalid.
You need to reply to this in order to see this content.
Sorry about that. We wipe out discussion boards regularly, to prevent personal information from being accessible forever. It can muck with invites.
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,542
Then she told me how now I'll be like every other guy and stop talking to her because she wouldn't go out with me. Thing is, she brings this "you'll be like every other guy" all the time. "You'll be like every other guy and hurt me after I get close to you", "You'll be like every other guy who just makes empty promises". Some of those she told me she was wrong about...the last one especially from the around time when I first revealed my feelings for her. She told me she was wrong about me and from there on we got closer.
This is like when people put "hate liars" and "not looking for drama" in their dating profiles.
 
Oct 27, 2017
721
Follow up with the lawyer date 2. Went really well closed out a bar again so the date went long. At the end of the night we pretty much we agreed that we are a "thing". I have a date with her on Saturday that I'm looking forward to. I got a date with someone from Bumble tomorrow that's been in the works for a few weeks now so I want to see this one through.

A little background info. I just came out a 7 year relationship/marriage (3 years) and that was the first relationship I ever had. And that started to wear on me after a while. "what am I missing out on" type deal (not the main reason we separated). I really like the lawyer, but I dont want to be in the same situation again. I need at least go on a few more dates with other people.

I'm also nervous about telling the lawyer about me going through a divorce. But i have a feeling she wouldnt care. She seems to be really into me.
 
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Oct 27, 2017
721
Also I just moved into this crappy apartment since the separation and I'm nervous to bring women there. It's really cheap for Chicago (450/month). But it's a dingy basement apartment.
 
Oct 26, 2017
3,709
California
Also I just moved into this crappy apartment since the separation and I'm nervous to bring women there. It's really cheap for Chicago (450/month). But it's a dingy basement apartment.
She’s showing up for you, not the apartment. I used to feel the same way, but honestly unless it’s like actually a pigsty people generally don’t care. And if she does deeply care that says more about her than you.

Also wtf $450 in Chicago hook me up
 
Oct 27, 2017
529
My girlfriend of 4 months revealed to me last night that she's been married before (we're both 30), which is definitely something to process. It was only a year ago too. It doesn't change how I feel about her though, I still feel very happy to be with her.
I personally wouldn’t like that. Four months of being together then she dropped a bombshell at you? Luckily for her that wasn’t a dealbreaker for you.
But do you ever wonder...what other bombshells she is hiding from you? She could be slowly dropping bombshells, hoping that soon you are so entangled with her it’ll be difficult to bail.

I mean it’s sort of working already, if she said she was married after 2 dates you probably would had bailed.
 
Nov 17, 2017
4,934
I personally wouldn’t like that. Four months of being together then she dropped a bombshell at you? Luckily for her that wasn’t a dealbreaker for you.
But do you ever wonder...what other bombshells she is hiding from you? She could be slowly dropping bombshells, hoping that soon you are so entangled with her it’ll be difficult to bail.

I mean it’s sort of working already, if she said she was married after 2 dates you probably would had bailed.
As long as he's cool with it, I don't see the problem. No reason to assume that she's hiding other secrets.

Personally, I wouldn't like if something I had entered a relationship with told me that after 4 months. Like, I certainly understand not feeling comfortable sharing that from the get-go but at least before any official relationship is started.
 
Oct 27, 2017
721
She’s showing up for you, not the apartment. I used to feel the same way, but honestly unless it’s like actually a pigsty people generally don’t care. And if she does deeply care that says more about her than you.

Also wtf $450 in Chicago hook me up
Yea I was hoping so. I brought two lady friends (platonic) there a week ago they didnt seem to mind, but they were drunk soo...

Also It's good to have friends. A buddy of mine owns a building west of downtown. He has a basement unit he usually let family sleep at when they are visiting. Let me have it for a bit after seperating. Much better than my last arrangement (living with my mom ugh)
 
Oct 28, 2017
585
I really do think a lot about my ex. At the time I don't think I was very invested in the relationship, I mean we never even defined it over the seven months or so that we were dating. Nowadays I think a lot how good she was for me and how good we would be together. We broke up mutually and stayed friends afterwards and a it later she started dating someone else and therefore we couldn't talk anymore. Bad idea to write to her and tell her I miss her? I think I do even five months after the fact.
 
Oct 27, 2017
721
I really do think a lot about my ex. At the time I don't think I was very invested in the relationship, I mean we never even defined it over the seven months or so that we were dating. Nowadays I think a lot how good she was for me and how good we would be together. We broke up mutually and stayed friends afterwards and a it later she started dating someone else and therefore we couldn't talk anymore. Bad idea to write to her and tell her I miss her? I think I do even five months after the fact.
That definitely falls into the bad idea category.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
Follow up with the lawyer date 2. Went really well closed out a bar again so the date went long. At the end of the night we pretty much we agreed that we are a "thing". I have a date with her on Saturday that I'm looking forward to. I got a date with someone from Bumble tomorrow that's been in the works for a few weeks now so I want to see this one through.

A little background info. I just came out a 7 year relationship/marriage (3 years) and that was the first relationship I ever had. And that started to wear on me after a while. "what am I missing out on" type deal (not the main reason we separated). I really like the lawyer, but I dont want to be in the same situation again. I need at least go on a few more dates with other people.

I'm also nervous about telling the lawyer about me going through a divorce. But i have a feeling she wouldnt care. She seems to be really into me.
I'm curious. How have you avoided telling her about the divorce? I mean relationship history is usually a topic of conversation that comes up early on.
 
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Oct 27, 2017
721
I'm curious. How have you avoided telling her about the divorce? I mean relationship history is usually a topic of conversation that comes up early on.


I'm curious. How have you avoided telling her about the divorce? I mean relationship history is usually a topic of conversation that comes up early on.
I dunno, relationship history never came up. It's not like I was avoiding or dodging the questions when brought up... it just never came up. We just had fun talking and hanging. Definitely going to tell her on Saturday. Just hope it doesnt change anything.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
I dunno, relationship history never came up. It's not like I was avoiding or dodging the questions when brought up... it just never came up. We just had fun talking and hanging. Definitely going to tell her on Saturday. Just hope it doesnt change anything.
Interesting. Well good luck man. I don't think it will change anything. Most people have history by the time they are in their 30's. Plus, having the experience should actually make you a more desirable catch.
 
Oct 27, 2017
254
I personally wouldn’t like that. Four months of being together then she dropped a bombshell at you? Luckily for her that wasn’t a dealbreaker for you.
But do you ever wonder...what other bombshells she is hiding from you? She could be slowly dropping bombshells, hoping that soon you are so entangled with her it’ll be difficult to bail.

I mean it’s sort of working already, if she said she was married after 2 dates you probably would had bailed.
Can someone explain why this is a big deal? She was married before, she isn't now. Did she lie about it? How is this something that qualifies as a "bombshell", and in what way does it impact the current relationship?