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DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Oct 29, 2017
84
Can someone explain why this is a big deal? She was married before, she isn't now. Did she lie about it? How is this something that qualifies as a "bombshell", and in what way does it impact the current relationship?
It's only a big deal if it matters to you. In my opinion, it's something she probably shouldn't have waited so long to tell you but it's ultimately not a "bombshell". I can think of a lot worse things to drop. But I'd wonder if there are other things she may not be revealing. That could also be my somewhat jaded self talking.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,983
This is like when people put "hate liars" and "not looking for drama" in their dating profiles.
How do you mean? Just curious.

I already know what she says about being like other guys is a whole load of crap, either just excuses or a defense mechanism for her and I shouldn't really have to "prove myself" anymore, considering I'm still here after all this time.
 
Oct 27, 2017
858
Interesting. Well good luck man. I don't think it will change anything. Most people have history by the time they are in their 30's. Plus, having the experience should actually make you a more desirable catch.
Whelp, just told her I was going through a divorce over the phone and it went very badly. Geeze I feel terrible. Damn.
 
Oct 27, 2017
858
Can someone explain why this is a big deal? She was married before, she isn't now. Did she lie about it? How is this something that qualifies as a "bombshell", and in what way does it impact the current relationship?
I just told someone I was going through a divorce after the 2nd date and she felt betrayed. She made me feel like shit.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
Whelp, just told her I was going through a divorce over the phone and it went very badly. Geeze I feel terrible. Damn.
Hmm...for some reason I thought you were already divorced. I'm an idiot. Anyway, if you are separated then that's something you want to disclose upfront. That's what I had done. But now obviously that's past the point. Still, give her a minute to process and tell her you should have lead in with that. It doesn't mean it's over yet.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
1,211
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.

This happens with probably 3 out of 4 matches I get. Right from the start, they message at a rate of about once every 1.5 days. They give closed answers to open questions, offer up no questions or topics of their own, and generally treat the exchange like they're being cross-examined. They give me piss-all to work with, and it's really frustrating because even someone who's generally pretty good at chit chat can only do so much without a bit of help from the other party.
 
Oct 28, 2017
596
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.

This happens with probably 3 out of 4 matches I get. Right from the start, they message at a rate of about once every 1.5 days. They give closed answers to open questions, offer up no questions or topics of their own, and generally treat the exchange like they're being cross-examined. They give me piss-all to work with, and it's really frustrating because even someone who's generally pretty good at chit chat can only do so much.
Change your strategy to ask her on a date after only a few messages. If she acts disinterested she is either not interested in talking or she would rather go on a date. Either way you lose nothing by asking her out.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
1,211
Hmm...for some reason I thought you were already divorced. I'm an idiot. Anyway, if you are separated then that's something you want to disclose upfront. That's what I had done. But now obviously that's past the point. Still, give her a minute to process and tell her you should have lead in with that. It doesn't mean it's over yet.
In my recent experience "separated" is the kiss of death for a guy on any dating app. So OP should really just lay low and focus on bettering himself until the thing is done, then jump on the apps.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
1,211
Change your strategy to ask her on a date after only a few messages. If she acts disinterested she is either not interested in talking or she would rather go on a date. Either way you lose nothing by asking her out.
That was my consideration but like... I'm still trying to learn a little about this person, you know? I mean since they respond so slowly we're only talking about a few messages here anyway. I'm not trying to pen pal them to death, but I do like trying to suss out if they're worth meeting or not.

But yeah, maybe I should just go straight for the date.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,492
How do you mean? Just curious.

I already know what she says about being like other guys is a whole load of crap, either just excuses or a defense mechanism for her and I shouldn't really have to "prove myself" anymore, considering I'm still here after all this time.
It seems less like a defense mechanism to me and more like a way to manipulate you into sticking around and being her emotional crutch without getting anything that you want out of the relationship.
 
Jan 26, 2019
138
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.

This happens with probably 3 out of 4 matches I get. Right from the start, they message at a rate of about once every 1.5 days. They give closed answers to open questions, offer up no questions or topics of their own, and generally treat the exchange like they're being cross-examined. They give me piss-all to work with, and it's really frustrating because even someone who's generally pretty good at chit chat can only do so much without a bit of help from the other party.
In my case it was usually cause we get bombarded with messages and sometimes I couldn't be bothered replying to everything at once, I barely reply in time to my friends.

They could also just be an ass?
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
In my recent experience "separated" is the kiss of death for a guy on any dating app. So OP should really just lay low and focus on bettering himself until the thing is done, then jump on the apps.
I agree with you but unfortunately it's not easy to do for a lot of people. It wasn't for me when I started dating again. Not only that but often divorce can take a long time to complete the process.

In my case it was usually cause we get bombarded with messages and sometimes I couldn't be bothered replying to everything at once, I barely reply in time to my friends.

They could also just be an ass?
LOL Women tend to have the pick of the litter when it comes to online dating.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
1,211
In my case it was usually cause we get bombarded with messages and sometimes I couldn't be bothered replying to everything at once, I barely reply in time to my friends.

They could also just be an ass?
I don't get obvious ass vibes from any of them. Usually asses aren't very good at nor interested in hiding it. I do wonder if they're just getting too many messages to care, which sucks because if that's the case then why add mine to the pile? There's only so much I can do to stand out with a single message.

Also, why swipe on MORE guys if your inbox is already stuffed?
 
Speaking of divorces, I'm moving out today, 6 months after my wife and I broke up. I've been pretty fucking blessed in that I'm polyamorous and my two partners have been incredibly supportive during this insane part of my life. I feel really bad for you guys that simply being in the process of splitting is making people run the other way. Knowing it's time to get out and move on is, IMO, a sign of a good head on your shoulders and wouldn't make me split.

I'll be living all by myself for the first time in my life, since my wife and I got married real young and I moved out of my dad's house into an apartment she and I shared. Time for the next step, at long last.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,841
Osaka
I don't get obvious ass vibes from any of them. Usually asses aren't very good at nor interested in hiding it. I do wonder if they're just getting too many messages to care, which sucks because if that's the case then why add mine to the pile? There's only so much I can do to stand out with a single message.

Also, why swipe on MORE guys if your inbox is already stuffed?
People don't care, they're looking for something and they'll quit swipping. Female friends have showed me their tinder with thousands of matches and with 99+ people that have swiped right on them waiting, they're not speaking or meeting a hundredth of those people. They'll just keep swiping right to who they want to and talk if they want to etc.
My suggestion is that you take a step back and don't take the matches too seriously, they don't really mean anything other that you get a chance to send a message. Then, try to make it count.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
People don't care, they're looking for something and they'll quit swipping. Female friends have showed me their tinder with thousands of matches and with 99+ people that have swiped right on them waiting, they're not speaking or meeting a hundredth of those people. They'll just keep swiping right to who they want to and talk if they want to etc.
My suggestion is that you take a step back and don't take the matches too seriously, they don't really mean anything other that you get a chance to send a message. Then, try to make it count.
This is spot on.
 
Oct 28, 2017
596
First date tonight. I'm going to try to be more engaged this time if it feels right. More and longer moments of eye-contact, maybe sitting a bit closer if possible etc.
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,753
How do you mean? Just curious.

Wasn't a dig at you, to be clear. What I meant was people like her keep having the same experience over and over and aren't recognizing what it is about themselves that's causing precisely that to happen. No, everyone else is to blame and she's merely the victim, where are all the good guys???
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
In my recent experience "separated" is the kiss of death for a guy on any dating app. So OP should really just lay low and focus on bettering himself until the thing is done, then jump on the apps.
You're not wrong here, separated/divorced in you're profile automatically makes women think YOU did something wrong in that last relationship. I knew it would be like that so my status was set to single, becuse that's what I was. No longer in a relationship is single. Why the fuck you you badge yourself as being out of a failed relationship like an anchor round your neck?

When it came up in discussions with women about my past relationships it was either no problem or a barrage of questions trying to get to "the truth". SMH.

On the plus side I found divorced women to be cool with it and understanding.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,841
Osaka
You're not wrong here, separated/divorced in you're profile automatically makes women think YOU did something wrong in that last relationship. I knew it would be like that so my status was set to single, becuse that's what I was. No longer in a relationship is single. Why the fuck you you badge yourself as being out of a failed relationship like an anchor round your neck?

When it came up in discussions with women about my past relationships it was either no problem or a barrage of questions trying to get to "the truth". SMH.

On the plus side I found divorced women to be cool with it and understanding.
To be fair, I as a man am generally less inclined to contact a woman in a app if it says in her profile that she is divorced in her profile (not because there is inherently anything wrong with being divorced, maybe because at may age bracket, mid to late 20s there are many people who were never married still)
and I doubt Im alone in that.
Anyway, in my experience, the less said about past relationships at the start of a potential new one, the better.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
Anyway, in my experience, the less said about past relationships at the start of a potential new one, the better.
That's one of the Ten Commandments of dating, don't talk about your ex on the first date. I've bailed on some women just becuse they have spoken at length about how much of an asshole thier ex was during the first date. It's a red flag.
 
Oct 27, 2017
858
Did she want you to open with that or something on the first date? I’m confused as to how she expected that conversation would go
YES!!! she wanted me to open with that on the first date (we only went on two dates). She was sooo pissed and literally talked down to me.

Would have been better to do that face to face IMO. I mean on a technicality you're still married. Anyway, it does not mean it's game over she just needs time to process.
Probably, but if it was the same reaction but in person it would have killed me.

Hmm...for some reason I thought you were already divorced. I'm an idiot. Anyway, if you are separated then that's something you want to disclose upfront. That's what I had done. But now obviously that's past the point. Still, give her a minute to process and tell her you should have lead in with that. It doesn't mean it's over yet.
Like I said my Wife was my first real relationship and i never dated before that. I had no idea, and i never thought the date(s) would go so well. I have a date with someone else tonight. I dunno that not the wind out of my sails. I afraid of the same reaction now.

In my recent experience "separated" is the kiss of death for a guy on any dating app. So OP should really just lay low and focus on bettering himself until the thing is done, then jump on the apps.
Damn i hope this is not the case. Divorce take a while. Damn this is depressing.


Should I just bail on this date tonight with this other women? Like I said the berating phone call complete knocked me off my game. Literally scared to go for the same reaction from this other person. Should I tell them when were chatting? Should i just become a celibate monk?
 
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Oct 27, 2017
858
To be fair, I as a man am generally less inclined to contact a woman in a app if it says in her profile that she is divorced in her profile (not because there is inherently anything wrong with being divorced, maybe because at may age bracket, mid to late 20s there are many people who were never married still)
and I doubt Im alone in that.
Anyway, in my experience, the less said about past relationships at the start of a potential new one, the better.
Im in my mid 30's Most married people i know are getting a divorced. Seems weird to expect someone at this age to be completely un tethered from there past or have no past


You're not wrong here, separated/divorced in you're profile automatically makes women think YOU did something wrong in that last relationship. I knew it would be like that so my status was set to single, becuse that's what I was. No longer in a relationship is single. Why the fuck you you badge yourself as being out of a failed relationship like an anchor round your neck?

When it came up in discussions with women about my past relationships it was either no problem or a barrage of questions trying to get to "the truth". SMH.

On the plus side I found divorced women to be cool with it and understanding.
Yea I was defending myself after I told her, like it was my fault.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
YES!!! she wanted me to open with that on the first date (we only went on two dates). She was sooo pissed and literally talked down to me.


Probably, but if it was the same reaction but in person it would have killed me.


Like I said my Wife was my first real relationship and i never dated before that. I had no idea, and i never thought the date(s) would go so well. I have a date with someone else tonight. I dunno that not the wind out of my sails. I afraid of the same reaction now.


Damn i hope this is not the case. Divorce take a while. Damn this is depressing.


Should I just bail on this date tonight? Like I said the berating phone call complete knocked me off my game. Literally scared to go for the same reaction. Should I tell them when were chatting? Should i just become a celibate monk?
I wouldn't cancel if you like her. If she hasn't cancelled yet then that means it's probably not a real big deal to her because otherwise, why would she still go out on another date? Ultimately, in the end, if it doesn't work out, just think of it as practice in dealing with rough conversations.

In my experience, if you are upfront with the fact you are separated, a usually you'll know right away what their feelings are about it. It's not all doom and gloom. Some women will be understanding and others will not but it's definitely not all doom and gloom.
 
Oct 27, 2017
858
I wouldn't cancel if you like her. If she hasn't cancelled yet then that means it's probably not a real big deal to her because otherwise, why would she still go out on another date? Ultimately, in the end, if it doesn't work out, just think of it as practice in dealing with rough conversations.

In my experience, if you are upfront with the fact you are separated, a usually you'll know right away what their feelings are about it. It's not all doom and gloom. Some women will be understanding and others will not but it's definitely not all doom and gloom.
No this date tonight is with someone else. i haven't went on a date with them yet. This is the first. The lawyer is done with me for what I can tell
 

Servbot24

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
15,757
Can someone explain why this is a big deal? She was married before, she isn't now. Did she lie about it? How is this something that qualifies as a "bombshell", and in what way does it impact the current relationship?
It's not a big deal in the sense that it affects how I feel about her. It's more of just a "woah" moment to find out about.
 
Oct 27, 2017
858
Everything builds your dating XP. Don't be one of the many guys that gives up becuse of minor setbacks or failures.
You're right! I'll do this date tonight, But i'll try something different. I'll tell here at the end of the date if it looks like we're having a good time. I guess i gotta figure out the best timing on this (if such a thing exist).
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
You're right! I'll do this date tonight, But i'll try something different. I'll tell here at the end of the date if it looks like we're having a good time. I guess i gotta figure out the best timing on this (if such a thing exist).
Timing matters a lot. I' like your strategy too. If it was me and I if I felt like it we were clicking, then I'd say something like, "I'm having a great time with you. But I want to be open and upfront about where I'm at." Then I'd tell her the situation. I'd wait for a good moment where maybe after the both of you shared a good laugh about something.
 

Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
1,211
Damn i hope this is not the case. Divorce take a while. Damn this is depressing.


Should I just bail on this date tonight? Like I said the berating phone call complete knocked me off my game. Literally scared to go for the same reaction. Should I tell them when were chatting? Should i just become a celibate monk?
I found it damned near impossible to land a date while I was listed as separated. To be fair though, I'm also 5'9" and bald so I've got other major handicaps besides.

My main concern is how she's treated you so far. You didn't set out to maliciously deceive her or withhold a horrible secret, and yet she's acting like you have. That's a flag.

Go on the date if it's still on the table, but be prepared to clap back and/or bail if she starts trying to make you feel like shit again. Personally, I'd cancel on her as it sounds like she doesn't have a lot of empathy, but that's me.
 

Advc

Member
Nov 3, 2017
1,762
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.

This happens with probably 3 out of 4 matches I get. Right from the start, they message at a rate of about once every 1.5 days. They give closed answers to open questions, offer up no questions or topics of their own, and generally treat the exchange like they're being cross-examined. They give me piss-all to work with, and it's really frustrating because even someone who's generally pretty good at chit chat can only do so much without a bit of help from the other party.
Yeah this puzzles me a lot. Why did they swiped right on the first place if they are gonna act like that? No matter how politely you speak to them, they just either never answer back or take 2- 3 days to answer. They will never write first unless they give you a super like or they genuinely liked you. I have only received 2 super likes on all my years on tinder (it feels very nice tbh) and I can confirm those two ladies talked to me right away first as soon as I swipped right too. I still keep talking to them pretty nicely. Unfortunately, the one I had the most chance with, moved to another city (and quickly got a boyfriend there) and when I got back to focus on the other girl, she already had a boyfriend too because of course. Though it seems they already broke up, so I might have another opportunity there... But to be honest I don't feel well enough right now to deal once again with all the mess (and sometimes bullshit) of relationships or trying to get into one. Right now I'm trying to focus on get my shit together in life first. Though it's not working properly either so I'm like into limbo right now.
 
Nov 16, 2017
623
Girl I went on 2 dates with has had a family emergency (dad in cardiac arrest) I found out as we were planning our 3rd date. It's my time to just step back right? Obviously I like her and she likes me but still very early. Me doing something crazy like visiting her in the hospital to give her some emotional support would be wayy too early right?
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
Girl I went on 2 dates with has had a family emergency (dad in cardiac arrest) I found out as we were planning our 3rd date. It's my time to just step back right? Obviously I like her and she likes me but still very early. Me doing something crazy like visiting her in the hospital to give her some emotional support would be wayy too early right?
I don't think anything negative would come from you offering to.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,492
Girl I went on 2 dates with has had a family emergency (dad in cardiac arrest) I found out as we were planning our 3rd date. It's my time to just step back right? Obviously I like her and she likes me but still very early. Me doing something crazy like visiting her in the hospital to give her some emotional support would be wayy too early right?
Yeah that’s way too early. That would be inserting yourself into a situation that has nothing to do with you and stepping out of bounds even by simply asking to go to the hospital.
 
Oct 29, 2017
84
Would it come off as me seemingly being more into her than I am? What if she's not as into me? I feel like it could set expectations that I don't really want yet, 2 dates in.
Then definitely don't. It was my thinking that by offering, she'd probably decline yet you'd come off as being supportive. But it is a risk. Seems like it's probably not a good idea if you aren't like really really into her.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
Girl I went on 2 dates with has had a family emergency (dad in cardiac arrest) I found out as we were planning our 3rd date. It's my time to just step back right? Obviously I like her and she likes me but still very early. Me doing something crazy like visiting her in the hospital to give her some emotional support would be wayy too early right?
Don't go to the hospital, wait until she contacts you. In the mean time find other people to date. It might be a while until she's ready/able to date again.
 
Oct 28, 2017
596
First date tonight. I'm going to try to be more engaged this time if it feels right. More and longer moments of eye-contact, maybe sitting a bit closer if possible etc.
Went better than expected. I kept way more eye contact than normal and I went out of my way to touch her gently, and she reciprocated. She just now left my place, the next afternoon, after we made pancakes and watched TV.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,180
Denton, TX
So I met this girl in the summer of 2013 and she was an exchange student from Japan. She came to study for the summer and we hung out a number of times playing music, drinking, etc. She was really nice and we remained friends on Facebook. Well I am going to Japan in May and decided to reach out to her to see if she lived near Tokyo and she was VERY excited to hear I was coming to Japan. So much so in fact, that she is now flying from Fukuoka to Tokyo to see me for 1 day. I've never had anyone put that much effort into seeing me and everyone I tell says she is looking for something. I'm not against dating international and she seems super sweet, but I just don't have any idea why she is coming so far to see me for such a short time especially since I haven't seen her in 6 years. I would love to remain friends but I'm not going to reject the idea of starting something with her. Anyone have any advice on dating international or if this amount of effort to hang out for 1 day normal in Japan?
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,210
So, I was wondering if you guys think it would be okay for me to wait for a good moment to tell her i think she's amazing (beautiful, smart). Or would that be too fast for a third date? I feel like i havent been complimenting her enough for the past couple ones
 
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Oct 25, 2017
2,024
California
So, I was wondering if you guys think it would be okay for me to wait for a good moment to tell her i think she's amazing (beautiful, smart). Or would that be too fast for a third date? I feel like i havent been complimenting her enough for the past couple ones
Go ahead just don't sound way too desperate/invested, that scares women away
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,944
D.C.
So, I was wondering if you guys think it would be okay for me to wait for a good moment to tell her i think she's amazing (beautiful, smart). Or would that be too fast for a third date? I feel like i havent been complimenting her enough for the past couple ones
This is weird. You don't need to issue compliments like you're attempting to score points.

The most important thing you need to do is be sincere. If you think she looks great when she shows up? Say so. If you pause a conversation to say, "Shit, you're totally fucking brilliant," then do that.

Don't attempt to insert compliments awkwardly into conversations.