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DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
So, I was wondering if you guys think it would be okay for me to wait for a good moment to tell her i think she's amazing (beautiful, smart). Or would that be too fast for a third date? I feel like i havent been complimenting her enough for the past couple ones
Don't do this, firstly you're putting her on a pedesal (and people fall off those). Secondly, you're not being honest or spontanious by planning in advance to say it.
Take her out for dinner, go for a walk and hold hands.
 

jcs

Banned
Member
Aug 7, 2018
1,513
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.
People are lazy.

If you're a girl, you are used to getting 100 messages every two days in any dating app. When you match with someone, the chance that the guy will drive the conversation is high. Unless the guy you matched with is your dream person, it's easier to wait for them to say interesting stuff.

I also know many girl friends who swipe on people who they're meh to very eager to meet... so a match is not guaranteed they even care. My single guy friends literally swipe right on everyone without looking until they run out of swipes so it's not just girls who do that.
 
Nov 5, 2017
1,857
Went on my first ever third date today. We went hiking and ate lunch in a nice open field in the sun. It was a little cold, but overall great weather. We had a nice little picnic lunch which was good.

Afterwards I went with her while she looked for new winter boots and then got fries and milkshakes and just talked for awhile.

Already have plans to go out with her again next weekend and then the week after she invited me to go to something with her.

So overall, I think it went really well! It was honestly one of the best days I’ve had in awhile! :)
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,210
So, third date went well at first. Held hands, had a good conversation, talked for like 4 hours. I asked her if she wanted to do anything for valentines day on thursday. She asked me if i went on OKC for a girlfriend, and i said yeah. She said she wasnt looking for one night stands and her past boyfriends broke up with her cause she wanted to take things super slow. I straight up asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and I would be fine with taking things slow. She said ok and that we could do something on Thursday.

I think she might be lying because her OKC profile questionnaire section said that if she was really into someone she would have sex with them within 3-5 dates. Those questions are super rapid fire though and maybe she didnt put much thought into it
 
Jan 26, 2019
138
Went on my first ever third date today. We went hiking and ate lunch in a nice open field in the sun. It was a little cold, but overall great weather. We had a nice little picnic lunch which was good.

Afterwards I went with her while she looked for new winter boots and then got fries and milkshakes and just talked for awhile.

Already have plans to go out with her again next weekend and then the week after she invited me to go to something with her.

So overall, I think it went really well! It was honestly one of the best days I’ve had in awhile! :)
This sounds so nice, keep updates coming!

So, third date went well at first. Held hands, had a good conversation, talked for like 4 hours. I asked her if she wanted to do anything for valentines day on thursday. She asked me if i went on OKC for a girlfriend, and i said yeah. She said she wasnt looking for one night stands and her past boyfriends broke up with her cause she wanted to take things super slow. I straight up asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and I would be fine with taking things slow. She said ok and that we could do something on Thursday.

I think she might be lying because her OKC profile questionnaire section said that if she was really into someone she would have sex with them within 3-5 dates. Those questions are super rapid fire though and maybe she didnt put much thought into it
I wouldn't overthink that questionnaire, it sounds like you guys hit it off nicely. See where it goes :)
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,944
D.C.
So, third date went well at first. Held hands, had a good conversation, talked for like 4 hours. I asked her if she wanted to do anything for valentines day on thursday. She asked me if i went on OKC for a girlfriend, and i said yeah. She said she wasnt looking for one night stands and her past boyfriends broke up with her cause she wanted to take things super slow. I straight up asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and I would be fine with taking things slow. She said ok and that we could do something on Thursday.

I think she might be lying because her OKC profile questionnaire section said that if she was really into someone she would have sex with them within 3-5 dates. Those questions are super rapid fire though and maybe she didnt put much thought into it
Don't overthink it. You've already had meta-conversations, which is when things start getting real - where you're talking about expectations regarding relationships.

All online dating does is facilitate an introduction to someone. At that point, you learn to know the person behind the profile.

Forget the fucking profile. You've got a real person that you're connecting with. Continue to own your feelings and express them authentically. It's fantastic that you did, so don't backslide by getting tripped up over dating profile questions.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,870
NJ
So, third date went well at first. Held hands, had a good conversation, talked for like 4 hours. I asked her if she wanted to do anything for valentines day on thursday. She asked me if i went on OKC for a girlfriend, and i said yeah. She said she wasnt looking for one night stands and her past boyfriends broke up with her cause she wanted to take things super slow. I straight up asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and I would be fine with taking things slow. She said ok and that we could do something on Thursday.

I think she might be lying because her OKC profile questionnaire section said that if she was really into someone she would have sex with them within 3-5 dates. Those questions are super rapid fire though and maybe she didnt put much thought into it
You're doing fine so far. Don't over think shit.

My take:

She doesn't wanna put labels on shit too fast. She probably wants to be sure that you're actually serious and genuine, which I'm sure you are. Some folks rush into things because they like the idea of having a SO, rather than actually caring for the person and wanting to be with them. For some, having a girlfriend/ boyfriend is a means to validate oneself.

Yes, it's nice to have someone special in your life. But if that's all you're looking for, as in, just to fill a void, that isn't good. I'm positive neither of you are doing that though. You're fine. I imagine you've done everything right so far

Plus, who knows...she might not want to rush a relationship...but she may be a freak and wanna fuck, lol. I know that sounds crass and really dumb. You did say she isn't looking for a one night stand, mind you. Both of you are aiming for a committed relationship and made that clear to one another. But hey, doesn't mean y'all can't have some fun in the meantime ;)

By the way, that last bit is purely my personal conjecture, based on my experience. I could be totally wrong on your situation though. So don't take what I'm saying that seriously. It's somewhat meant to be in jest. Only consider it or go down that route if you're totally sure and she makes it very clear. Otherwise, just continue how you're doing things right now, and pay me no mind.
 
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Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
So, third date went well at first. Held hands, had a good conversation, talked for like 4 hours. I asked her if she wanted to do anything for valentines day on thursday. She asked me if i went on OKC for a girlfriend, and i said yeah. She said she wasnt looking for one night stands and her past boyfriends broke up with her cause she wanted to take things super slow. I straight up asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship, and I would be fine with taking things slow. She said ok and that we could do something on Thursday.

I think she might be lying because her OKC profile questionnaire section said that if she was really into someone she would have sex with them within 3-5 dates. Those questions are super rapid fire though and maybe she didnt put much thought into it
She's Chinese, when they are into you they go all in commitment wise (in my experiance). Going slow just means no sex yet but she'll be emotionally investing in you.

Also: stop overthinking things.
 
Oct 27, 2017
569
Ok I’ve noticed something weird on my dating apps. On both Tinder and Bumble I swear I’ll swipe right on a girl and then a few days later I come across her again.

Does this mean anything?
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,024
California
Ok I’ve noticed something weird on my dating apps. On both Tinder and Bumble I swear I’ll swipe right on a girl and then a few days later I come across her again.

Does this mean anything?
There's a ton of fake profiles on Tinder. If she's super hot it may be a bot using the same hot girls photos.
I haven't really noticed the same person popping up besides those bots.
 
Oct 27, 2017
569
There's a ton of fake profiles on Tinder. If she's super hot it may be a bot using the same hot girls photos.
I haven't really noticed the same person popping up besides those bots.
No, I’m definitely sure she’s real. I’m Asian and she is too so I definitely remember her face lol

She also had her Instagram in her bio so it was easy to verify her identity.
 
Oct 27, 2017
3
I've been in like 8 iterations of this thread, and 99% of advice can be distilled into: "don't overthink things" and "own your feelings and communicate them."
So, guys. This, for example, is very good advice and I swear I really wanna abide by that. And I know that this is a common theme for the thread, it's even in the FAQs. BUT. I kinda need advice on timing, so to speak. I have a really close friend, and I found out that I have deep feelings for her. Good, I want to tell her exactly that. Problem is, we live apart, and next time we'll see each other is for a trip to Israel together, already booked and all. I don't know if I should tell her now (on the phone, btw, which sucks) and thus risk jeopardizing the trip (I am more than willing to keep being friends if she rejects me, but idk how she'll react), or just wait until the end of the trip to tell her (after that we may not see each other for a LONG time, so that sounds good).
Of course, the thing is 1) I kinda can't stand it anymore and just want to tell her and 2) many things can happen between now and the trip, maybe she'll start dating someone etc., so I kinda feel I'm running out of time here!
Personally, I feel that if I tell her now and she says "no", it could even strenghten our friendship, because I have nothing to hide anymore and I can be a true friend for her, but, as I said, maybe she won't feel the same way.
What would you do?
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
So, guys. This, for example, is very good advice and I swear I really wanna abide by that. And I know that this is a common theme for the thread, it's even in the FAQs. BUT. I kinda need advice on timing, so to speak. I have a really close friend, and I found out that I have deep feelings for her. Good, I want to tell her exactly that. Problem is, we live apart, and next time we'll see each other is for a trip to Israel together, already booked and all. I don't know if I should tell her now (on the phone, btw, which sucks) and thus risk jeopardizing the trip (I am more than willing to keep being friends if she rejects me, but idk how she'll react), or just wait until the end of the trip to tell her (after that we may not see each other for a LONG time, so that sounds good).
Of course, the thing is 1) I kinda can't stand it anymore and just want to tell her and 2) many things can happen between now and the trip, maybe she'll start dating someone etc., so I kinda feel I'm running out of time here!
Personally, I feel that if I tell her now and she says "no", it could even strenghten our friendship, because I have nothing to hide anymore and I can be a true friend for her, but, as I said, maybe she won't feel the same way.
What would you do?
1. Just tell her
2. Big confessions of "feelings" never works.
3. Ask out another girl that's local not long distance.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,429
So I met this girl in the summer of 2013 and she was an exchange student from Japan. She came to study for the summer and we hung out a number of times playing music, drinking, etc. She was really nice and we remained friends on Facebook. Well I am going to Japan in May and decided to reach out to her to see if she lived near Tokyo and she was VERY excited to hear I was coming to Japan. So much so in fact, that she is now flying from Fukuoka to Tokyo to see me for 1 day. I've never had anyone put that much effort into seeing me and everyone I tell says she is looking for something. I'm not against dating international and she seems super sweet, but I just don't have any idea why she is coming so far to see me for such a short time especially since I haven't seen her in 6 years. I would love to remain friends but I'm not going to reject the idea of starting something with her. Anyone have any advice on dating international or if this amount of effort to hang out for 1 day normal in Japan?
I wouldn't put too much romantic leanings into it, it might just be a fun trip for her to Tokyo and also to possibly hit up her friends there. She may also be excited to play tour guide for you. Just meet up and enjoy the day but don't be too pushy.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,142
California
Just started watching Man Seeking Woman, and honestly it’s relatable and hilarious. Didn’t find it that funny when it first debuted but I’m loving every second now. Must be a 20-somethings thing
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,024
California
Does Tinder hide users for another day if you're swiping too much? I swipe a lot and run out of matches until I go on the next day and I have a ton more.

Just started watching Man Seeking Woman, and honestly it’s relatable and hilarious. Didn’t find it that funny when it first debuted but I’m loving every second now. Must be a 20-somethings thing
Thanks for this. It caught my attention one minute in with the Crystal Castles soundtrack
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,142
California
Well, it’s looking very likely that my roommate/best friend is going to get back together with his emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend. A woman he’s already broken up with twice before, and someone he’s given up legitimate friendships over because no one can stand her. I can’t stand her. Any time she used to be in the house it would put me into a sour mood. She treats him like shit and he just keeps crawling back for more. No amount of talking to him changes his mind.

It’s just sad to see. He has such a low opinion of himself and it causes him to get himself in these scenarios of emotional harm and he doesn’t do anything. I love the guy but to see it happen for a THIRD time is too much, and if she’s gonna be around the house again I don’t know how that’s gonna work. I essentially told her to fuck off the last time they broke up and she blocked me on everything, so she and I are not going to even pretend to get along like we used to pretend. That ship has sailed.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
Well, it’s looking very likely that my roommate/best friend is going to get back together with his emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend. A woman he’s already broken up with twice before, and someone he’s given up legitimate friendships over because no one can stand her. I can’t stand her. Any time she used to be in the house it would put me into a sour mood. She treats him like shit and he just keeps crawling back for more. No amount of talking to him changes his mind.
I've experienced this situation a few times in my life (friend with a dick partner). You'll never convince them they are in a bad relationship even with the facts. You've got to let them run the course and hopefully when they see the light, be there for them. That's all you can do.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,492
I've experienced this situation a few times in my life (friend with a dick partner). You'll never convince them they are in a bad relationship even with the facts. You've got to let them run the course and hopefully when they see the light, be there for them. That's all you can do.
Yep, you can't help people who don't want to be helped. Sometimes it's best for them to get burned to learn the stove is hot. (Though it seems like the friend in this scenario has touched the stove several times).
 
Oct 28, 2017
596
In an interesting turn of events, my ex responded to my insta story yesterday. We broke up last October and remained friends after. Breaking up was her call but it was in the air because we simply were not that much in love and she lived in another city, so it was in reality mutual. We remained friends and got together a few times until she soon after started seeing someone new who disapproved of her talking to me, so she ended all contact. Fast-forward to today when she struck up conversation with me and, since she was in town, I saw her on Tinder. Swiped right and yeah we matched. Doesn't have to mean anything but I asked if she wants to get coffee before she goes back and she agreed, we're meeting tomorrow. And she's not dating that guy anymore. I think I would like to try dating her again. I have been thinking a lot about her recently and not sure she has done the same.

How can I bring that conversation up? We're getting coffee after work tomorrow. If she doesn't want to then I can accept remaining friends since she's an awesome person, but also I do want to try dating her again.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
Yep, you can't help people who don't want to be helped. Sometimes it's best for them to get burned to learn the stove is hot. (Though it seems like the friend in this scenario has touched the stove several times).
Yeah, true. Some people need to touch the stove so many times until they look at other people's relationships and realise they are getting burned before they recognise that.
 
Nov 2, 2017
4,029
I've experienced this situation a few times in my life (friend with a dick partner). You'll never convince them they are in a bad relationship even with the facts. You've got to let them run the course and hopefully when they see the light, be there for them. That's all you can do.
Also don't be a jerk to them once they finally manage to break the cycle of abuse. I had someone I leaned on when I broke out of my abusive relationship end up approaching someone I was getting involved with in a romantic fashion approach her and tell her that I'd be prone to "victimizing myself", and then he turned on me, blaming me for not listening to him. It was all sorts of fucked.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
In an interesting turn of events, my ex responded to my insta story yesterday. We broke up last October and remained friends after. Breaking up was her call but it was in the air because we simply were not that much in love and she lived in another city, so it was in reality mutual. We remained friends and got together a few times until she soon after started seeing someone new who disapproved of her talking to me, so she ended all contact. Fast-forward to today when she struck up conversation with me and, since she was in town, I saw her on Tinder. Swiped right and yeah we matched. Doesn't have to mean anything but I asked if she wants to get coffee before she goes back and she agreed, we're meeting tomorrow. And she's not dating that guy anymore. I think I would like to try dating her again. I have been thinking a lot about her recently and not sure she has done the same.

How can I bring that conversation up? We're getting coffee after work tomorrow. If she doesn't want to then I can accept remaining friends since she's an awesome person, but also I do want to try dating her again.
You're only being used for her validation while she's between relationships.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,210
Hi, I'm chezzy, and Im here to over think things again

So, we're lined up for a fourth date on Thursday. Y'all think its okay for me to go for a kiss now? Since she said she wanted to take thing slow, I was thinking about waiting for the right moment to ask her first. But people online keep saying that's a bad idea to ask. I dunno what her pace is. If kissing is okay, the only thing 'going slow' could mean is no sex yet right? (like what Alwayscrazybacon said).
 
Oct 28, 2017
596
You're only being used for her validation while she's between relationships.
You cannot possibly know that.

But you guys still live in different cities, right?
We do, but it's really not that far. 2 hours by train. Plus the reason why she's in town is that she's going to a job interview. I visited her a few times and she visited me during our last spell, but it fizzled out and therefore the different cities thing became a much bigger problem. If we were to start dating again it would be a problem but not an insurmountable one.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,492
In an interesting turn of events, my ex responded to my insta story yesterday. We broke up last October and remained friends after. Breaking up was her call but it was in the air because we simply were not that much in love and she lived in another city, so it was in reality mutual. We remained friends and got together a few times until she soon after started seeing someone new who disapproved of her talking to me, so she ended all contact. Fast-forward to today when she struck up conversation with me and, since she was in town, I saw her on Tinder. Swiped right and yeah we matched. Doesn't have to mean anything but I asked if she wants to get coffee before she goes back and she agreed, we're meeting tomorrow. And she's not dating that guy anymore. I think I would like to try dating her again. I have been thinking a lot about her recently and not sure she has done the same.

How can I bring that conversation up? We're getting coffee after work tomorrow. If she doesn't want to then I can accept remaining friends since she's an awesome person, but also I do want to try dating her again.
Has anything changed since you broke up to make things different this time around?


Hi, I'm chezzy, and Im here to over think things again

So, we're lined up for a fourth date on Thursday. Y'all think its okay for me to go for a kiss now? Since she said she wanted to take thing slow, I was thinking about waiting for the right moment to ask her first. But people online keep saying that's a bad idea to ask. I dunno what her pace is. If kissing is okay, the only thing 'going slow' could mean is no sex yet right? (like what Alwayscrazybacon said).
Honestly, not kissing for the first three dates is like glacial slow. Just kiss her already! And don't ask!

Also "going slow" could mean no sex but in my experience it tends to mean the level of investment in each other and the emotional component of that. You know, some people want to be Facebook official, meeting the parents, having clothes at each other's place, hanging out every day after only a few dates. Going slow can just be seeing each other once a week and taking it easy without trying to label things and advance them too quickly..
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,753
We do, but it's really not that far. 2 hours by train. Plus the reason why she's in town is that she's going to a job interview. I visited her a few times and she visited me during our last spell, but it fizzled out and therefore the different cities thing became a much bigger problem. If we were to start dating again it would be a problem but not an insurmountable one.
I would wait and see if she gets a job in your city, personally. 2 hours means you won't see each other regularly, and that's hard enough for an already-existing long standing relationship, much less two people trying to rekindle something.

Honestly, not kissing for the first three dates is like glacial slow. Just kiss her already! And don't ask!
I would change this slightly to say put yourself in a situation where you can easily gauge whether she wants to kiss or not. In a good moment, get close put an arm around her and look her in the eyes. You'll know whether she wants a kiss.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,548
China
Hi, I'm chezzy, and Im here to over think things again

So, we're lined up for a fourth date on Thursday. Y'all think its okay for me to go for a kiss now? Since she said she wanted to take thing slow, I was thinking about waiting for the right moment to ask her first. But people online keep saying that's a bad idea to ask. I dunno what her pace is. If kissing is okay, the only thing 'going slow' could mean is no sex yet right? (like what Alwayscrazybacon said).
She's not going to kiss you in public and when she does, don't expect the tongue.
 
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Oct 28, 2017
6,350
Well, it’s looking very likely that my roommate/best friend is going to get back together with his emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend. A woman he’s already broken up with twice before, and someone he’s given up legitimate friendships over because no one can stand her. I can’t stand her. Any time she used to be in the house it would put me into a sour mood. She treats him like shit and he just keeps crawling back for more. No amount of talking to him changes his mind.

It’s just sad to see. He has such a low opinion of himself and it causes him to get himself in these scenarios of emotional harm and he doesn’t do anything. I love the guy but to see it happen for a THIRD time is too much, and if she’s gonna be around the house again I don’t know how that’s gonna work. I essentially told her to fuck off the last time they broke up and she blocked me on everything, so she and I are not going to even pretend to get along like we used to pretend. That ship has sailed.
Sounds to me like you need to move out.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,142
California
Sounds to me like you need to move out.
That’s a drastic and annoying step. I thought about it, but damn I used to move every six months and it was the worst, I’m so happy that I’ve been able to stay in this spot for almost two years. Who knows, maybe she won’t come around anymore. They haven’t officially gotten back together as far as I know, he and I just had kind of an argument last night because he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me about it because all I know is the negative aspects of the relationship and he’ll never change my mind. Which is true, he’ll never change my mind, but that’s because I spent years observing the relationship, not because he complained about the negative stuff so that’s all I know, or whatever he said.

It has an extra layer of frustrating because two years ago I was also dating a woman that would pull the same emotional manipulation bullshit, and when I realized it and told him I was gonna break up with her and the reasons why, he started rationalizing her behavior and trying to get me to stay with her, I assume because he recognized those same traits in his relationship and didn’t want to admit they were causing real harm.
 
Oct 27, 2017
190
Hey Era, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. FYI, I'm a gay guy, mid 20's and the guy I'm interested is 10 years older than me, mid 30's.

So, I met a guy at a friend's party about 2 weeks ago. We hit it off but I had to leave early, so I asked my friend for his phone number (I thought about asking him directly, which I usually do, but I was a bit of a wuss I guess). Texted him and it got a pretty good response (though, the reason I texted him - or the reason I went with - was that he was working on something similar to my field, and thought it be pretty cool to stay in touch). We texted back and forth for that day, he seemed pretty interested, asked me lots of questions about me and talked about whatever (nothing related to our fields or anything like that) and by the evening, I suggested (very generally, since I was busy that day) to have drinks, to which he said he couldn't make it because he had plans to watch a film with friends, but he asked me to join him if I wanted to (again, I couldn't).

Texted the next day (friday), but he seemed a bit off and by the evening, I was the last one to text. So I didn't hear from him through all weekend and then I asked my friends if I should give it another shot and ask him out (more directly, since the last time I said anything about drinks, it was very generic and not clear). So they suggested I do that. I asked him out on monday (last week) and he said he couldn't because he'd be busy that week with some friends from abroad (he told me they were coming, though I didn't know when exactly), but then said we should definitely leave it as 'pending'. So by then, I just figured he was probably not interested and moved on.

I hear back from him, a day later, but couldn't check my messaged after 2 days since he texted me. But when he texted me, he was apparently just replying to an audio message I had sent him on monday, and how he'd forgot about listening to this, because he'd been very busy with his friends. We texted again, back and forth, and again, it gave me the impression that he was interested. At some point I sent him an audio about something I was working on and wanted to know what he thought about it, and he sent me something like this "I think we should talk about this. I'm back to (our city) by next week, and we could grab a beer and talk about it ;)" and suggested that by phone it would only be more complicated. That was probably the last thing he texted me (friday) and I simply replied with an audio saying sure and that he should let me know when he wants to go, but I also asked him how his trip with his friends was going. Then, again, I've not heard anything from him.

So, any thought on this? I've dated other guys before, but I've never been so confused about someone liking me (or not) like right now. I'm, of course, not going to text him again and wait if he actually texts me to ask me out, but at this point, I'm clueless.
 
Oct 28, 2017
6,350
That’s a drastic and annoying step. I thought about it, but damn I used to move every six months and it was the worst, I’m so happy that I’ve been able to stay in this spot for almost two years. Who knows, maybe she won’t come around anymore. They haven’t officially gotten back together as far as I know, he and I just had kind of an argument last night because he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me about it because all I know is the negative aspects of the relationship and he’ll never change my mind. Which is true, he’ll never change my mind, but that’s because I spent years observing the relationship, not because he complained about the negative stuff so that’s all I know, or whatever he said.

It has an extra layer of frustrating because two years ago I was also dating a woman that would pull the same emotional manipulation bullshit, and when I realized it and told him I was gonna break up with her and the reasons why, he started rationalizing her behavior and trying to get me to stay with her, I assume because he recognized those same traits in his relationship and didn’t want to admit they were causing real harm.
End of the day that's a grown ass man and I don't see a point in arguing with him over his taste in self destructive tendancies.

But if those tendancies are going to cause issues with your living environment then you are perfectly within your right to tell him he can do whatever the fuck he wants but keep his gf outta your way. But regardless, as much as moving sucks, how much longer would you be willing to accept this bullshit in your life? If this is going to be a point of contention I seriously suggest you start looking for another place.

I personally couldn't have that energy in my living environment.
 
Jan 3, 2018
1,753
Hey Era, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. FYI, I'm a gay guy, mid 20's and the guy I'm interested is 10 years older than me, mid 30's.
Edit: going to reword this. whatever the reason, it's clear he isn't super into you (yet) or else he'd give you a night he's free. Reasons why could be various, but all of them basically lead there. He could be seeing other people, he could not really care about dating right now, he could just be a flaky dude in general.

My advice is to put about as much emotional investment in as you're getting back, which is basically zilch right now. Perhaps see him as a friendly acquaintance and nothing more until he shows otherwise. Interpret his level of interest from his actions and not his words.
 
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Oct 27, 2017
190
Edit: going to reword this. whatever the reason, it's clear he isn't super into you (yet) or else he'd give you a night he's free. Reasons why could be various, but all of them basically lead there. He could be seeing other people, he could not really care about dating right now, he could just be a flaky dude in general.

My advice is to put about as much emotional investment in as you're getting back, which is basically zilch right now. Perhaps see him as a friendly acquaintance and nothing more until he shows otherwise. Interpret his level of interest from his actions and not his words.
Thank you for the advice, and yep, I guess you're right. I'll move on to someone who's more interested.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,492
Edit: going to reword this. whatever the reason, it's clear he isn't super into you (yet) or else he'd give you a night he's free. Reasons why could be various, but all of them basically lead there. He could be seeing other people, he could not really care about dating right now, he could just be a flaky dude in general.

My advice is to put about as much emotional investment in as you're getting back, which is basically zilch right now. Perhaps see him as a friendly acquaintance and nothing more until he shows otherwise. Interpret his level of interest from his actions and not his words.
This is great advice not just for dating but life in general. I wish I knew this about certain friendships I had in the past.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,142
California
End of the day that's a grown ass man and I don't see a point in arguing with him over his taste in self destructive tendancies.

But if those tendancies are going to cause issues with your living environment then you are perfectly within your right to tell him he can do whatever the fuck he wants but keep his gf outta your way. But regardless, as much as moving sucks, how much longer would you be willing to accept this bullshit in your life? If this is going to be a point of contention I seriously suggest you start looking for another place.

I personally couldn't have that energy in my living environment.
Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see what happens. If they do get back together and she starts coming around I’ll find a different place to live. Funny, I just remembered that I own all the furniture in the apartment
 
Oct 27, 2017
4,746
I might have ruined Valentine’s Day. I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day, especially because I’ve always been single during it. I made this clear to my girlfriend. I don’t hate it but I don’t care much for it. I don’t think there’s any need to spend a ton on gifts for each other. That’s better left for other occasions. Of course, I still wanna go out with her and give her a great day, especially since it’s our first Valentine’s Day. So for a couple of weeks now I’ve been wondering wtf I should even do since I’ve never celebrated it before. Whenever my friends asked me all I had was “I don’t know.” A couple of nights ago, two friends gave me some suggestions I actually really liked. They suggested taking her to a restaurant by the water so we have a nice view and can do walk around the beach at night after our meal. That sounded awesome to me. So the next day I made reservations at some Italian place by the beach, Italian because we’ve been trying to eat at different types of restaurants once a month and next was Italian. We kinda put a halt on that for a bit so I thought this would be a good time to bring it back.

That same day I order some chocolate dipped strawberries that come in a nice box because she loves those and I thought we could eat them in bed together once we got home from the restaurant. I’m picking them up on Wednesday along with a balloon. Thursday morning I was planning on picking up some flowers for her and my mom at a flower stand right by my house. Everything is set and I felt kinda proud of myself. I’ve never been a very romantic person. My friends would be shocked and would probably laugh if I told them everything I planned. For all the shit I talked about Valentine’s to her, I was excited for this and felt good about it. I wanted to see her face at the end of it all. However, yesterday I go to her house pretty late because I was with some friends. I had initially made plans with her first but she urged me to go with them because one of them is leaving the state soon to go back home. She told me I could come over afterwards. So it’s almost 1 and I’m heading to her house which isn’t very far and when I’m almost there she tells me she’s tired but that I can come in for a little bit. I felt bad for getting there so late but since I was already close I figured I’d at least see her for a little while. I start telling her that I already have everything planned for us but not going into detail and she’s excited. Then I jokingly tell her that next year we’re not doing anything extravagant, we’re ordering heart shaped pizza or something. I made the joke because it was something a friend suggested to which I told her she was crazy. But the point of her suggestion was that I could try cooking us something next year. I don’t know how to cook very well but I was definitely open to improve because I liked the suggestion. Anyway, she looks tired so I tell her I can leave if she wants to go to sleep. She says it’s fine. A few minutes later she still looks tired so I ask her again and she tells me that I can go if I want, that I don’t need to ask her. I realize that she thinks I’m asking her because I’m the one that wants to go so I tell her that that’s not it. She doesn’t buy it and just tells me I can go and gets up to lead me out the door. She’s not exactly mad while she’s doing this, she’s still smiling, but I can tell it’s not genuine. She was upset. I reluctantly leave.

When I get home I start texting her, apologizing for any misunderstanding we might have had. She tells me that I clearly didn’t wanna come over since I kept asking her if she wanted me to leave. She was also upset when I said we’re not doing anything extravagant next Valentine’s because of what I mentioned that morning and the day before about how I don’t care much for Valentine’s. She said she didn’t want me to go somewhere or do something I didn’t wanna do just because it’s something she wants. That I shouldn’t have to force myself to go on a Valentine’s date with her. So she said we should just order pizza and stay home. I think based on what I said in this post, I definitely WANT to do this. I’m not forcing myself. A date has been on my mind for two weeks and I’m glad I was finally able to come up with something. I explained this all to her and all my feelings behind it. I told her that I know sometimes my behavior doesn’t match my feelings, which is true. I’m a fucking grinch. I complain about shit all the time and am sometimes a jerk just for fun. Not with her usually but with my friends. But despite how I act, I can be genuinely happy am excited about something or someone. I thought that by now she already knew this. But she wouldn’t buy any of it. She just didn’t believe me. I urged her to please trust me and go on this date with me because I’m sure she’ll love it, but she says she doesn’t wanna do anything. She wouldn’t feel comfortable. She cried and then told me she was going to bed.

She hasn’t texted me much today. We argued around New Year’s too because long story short, she thought I didn’t really care to do anything with her on New Year’s because I kept telling her I wasn’t sure if I was spending it with her or my family. In the end I decided to spend it with her since I didn’t get to spend Christmas with her but she didn’t buy it. She thought I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t wanna do. In the end, we spent New Years with her family and it was great. I’m hoping the same happens now but idk. Idk what to do. Was I wrong? Am I an inconsiderate asshole?
 
Oct 29, 2017
3,893
Interpret his level of interest from his actions and not his words.
This is key. Once had someone tell me "I'm still interested in seeing you!" despite not texting for days at a time and taking at least a day to respond to mine. Last I cared about this particular prospect, it'd been a week of radio silence. But again, every time I brought it up to try to get some closure it was "I'm still interested!"
 
Oct 27, 2017
190
I cannot for the life of me fathom why a woman matches with a guy only to proceed to act too shy/busy/uninterested to actually talk with him.

This happens with probably 3 out of 4 matches I get. Right from the start, they message at a rate of about once every 1.5 days. They give closed answers to open questions, offer up no questions or topics of their own, and generally treat the exchange like they're being cross-examined. They give me piss-all to work with, and it's really frustrating because even someone who's generally pretty good at chit chat can only do so much without a bit of help from the other party.
I'm gonna go with, she probably thinks you're attractive but is not completely interested, or at least, not enough to go on a date with you. I'm not ashamed to say I've done this on Tinder (I'm a guy, btw), but only because Tinder should be thought of as more of a casual thing, I guess? I mean, I think a lot of people don't take Tinder very seriously, is what I'm saying, so they're probably not too invested on it anyhow. I guess, what I'm trying to say is: don't take it too seriously. Have fun with it. If they're not texting as much as you want them to text you, text someone else. If you ask them out and they say no? Who cares! Ask your next match.