DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Jzeero

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,240
California
This is key. Once had someone tell me "I'm still interested in seeing you!" despite not texting for days at a time and taking at least a day to respond to mine. Last I cared about this particular prospect, it'd been a week of radio silence. But again, every time I brought it up to try to get some closure it was "I'm still interested!"
I've had this happen. It's pretty much them saying "I'm interested for now while I find someone I like more and lives closer to me" (in my case)
 

Messofanego

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,036
I might have ruined Valentine’s Day. I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day, especially because I’ve always been single during it. I made this clear to my girlfriend. I don’t hate it but I don’t care much for it. I don’t think there’s any need to spend a ton on gifts for each other. That’s better left for other occasions. Of course, I still wanna go out with her and give her a great day, especially since it’s our first Valentine’s Day. So for a couple of weeks now I’ve been wondering wtf I should even do since I’ve never celebrated it before. Whenever my friends asked me all I had was “I don’t know.” A couple of nights ago, two friends gave me some suggestions I actually really liked. They suggested taking her to a restaurant by the water so we have a nice view and can do walk around the beach at night after our meal. That sounded awesome to me. So the next day I made reservations at some Italian place by the beach, Italian because we’ve been trying to eat at different types of restaurants once a month and next was Italian. We kinda put a halt on that for a bit so I thought this would be a good time to bring it back.

That same day I order some chocolate dipped strawberries that come in a nice box because she loves those and I thought we could eat them in bed together once we got home from the restaurant. I’m picking them up on Wednesday along with a balloon. Thursday morning I was planning on picking up some flowers for her and my mom at a flower stand right by my house. Everything is set and I felt kinda proud of myself. I’ve never been a very romantic person. My friends would be shocked and would probably laugh if I told them everything I planned. For all the shit I talked about Valentine’s to her, I was excited for this and felt good about it. I wanted to see her face at the end of it all. However, yesterday I go to her house pretty late because I was with some friends. I had initially made plans with her first but she urged me to go with them because one of them is leaving the state soon to go back home. She told me I could come over afterwards. So it’s almost 1 and I’m heading to her house which isn’t very far and when I’m almost there she tells me she’s tired but that I can come in for a little bit. I felt bad for getting there so late but since I was already close I figured I’d at least see her for a little while. I start telling her that I already have everything planned for us but not going into detail and she’s excited. Then I jokingly tell her that next year we’re not doing anything extravagant, we’re ordering heart shaped pizza or something. I made the joke because it was something a friend suggested to which I told her she was crazy. But the point of her suggestion was that I could try cooking us something next year. I don’t know how to cook very well but I was definitely open to improve because I liked the suggestion. Anyway, she looks tired so I tell her I can leave if she wants to go to sleep. She says it’s fine. A few minutes later she still looks tired so I ask her again and she tells me that I can go if I want, that I don’t need to ask her. I realize that she thinks I’m asking her because I’m the one that wants to go so I tell her that that’s not it. She doesn’t buy it and just tells me I can go and gets up to lead me out the door. She’s not exactly mad while she’s doing this, she’s still smiling, but I can tell it’s not genuine. She was upset. I reluctantly leave.

When I get home I start texting her, apologizing for any misunderstanding we might have had. She tells me that I clearly didn’t wanna come over since I kept asking her if she wanted me to leave. She was also upset when I said we’re not doing anything extravagant next Valentine’s because of what I mentioned that morning and the day before about how I don’t care much for Valentine’s. She said she didn’t want me to go somewhere or do something I didn’t wanna do just because it’s something she wants. That I shouldn’t have to force myself to go on a Valentine’s date with her. So she said we should just order pizza and stay home. I think based on what I said in this post, I definitely WANT to do this. I’m not forcing myself. A date has been on my mind for two weeks and I’m glad I was finally able to come up with something. I explained this all to her and all my feelings behind it. I told her that I know sometimes my behavior doesn’t match my feelings, which is true. I’m a fucking grinch. I complain about shit all the time and am sometimes a jerk just for fun. Not with her usually but with my friends. But despite how I act, I can be genuinely happy am excited about something or someone. I thought that by now she already knew this. But she wouldn’t buy any of it. She just didn’t believe me. I urged her to please trust me and go on this date with me because I’m sure she’ll love it, but she says she doesn’t wanna do anything. She wouldn’t feel comfortable. She cried and then told me she was going to bed.

She hasn’t texted me much today. We argued around New Year’s too because long story short, she thought I didn’t really care to do anything with her on New Year’s because I kept telling her I wasn’t sure if I was spending it with her or my family. In the end I decided to spend it with her since I didn’t get to spend Christmas with her but she didn’t buy it. She thought I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t wanna do. In the end, we spent New Years with her family and it was great. I’m hoping the same happens now but idk. Idk what to do. Was I wrong? Am I an inconsiderate asshole?
I get where she's coming from of asking to leave so many times and being annoyed that your behaviour doesn't match what you say. So she feels this is quite forced for you to do things and she probably wants something genuine.
 

Jzeero

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,240
California
The girl I was dating has a Tinder account, god why am I so bad at this dating stuff. She did live like 50 miles away and the drive was annoying though. And none of the girls I've matched with so far have replied yet, if I was seriously looking to date right now i would be pretty hurt haha 💔

Back to OKC I go.
 

Gotdatmoney

Member
Oct 28, 2017
6,812
I might have ruined Valentine’s Day. I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day, especially because I’ve always been single during it. I made this clear to my girlfriend. I don’t hate it but I don’t care much for it. I don’t think there’s any need to spend a ton on gifts for each other. That’s better left for other occasions. Of course, I still wanna go out with her and give her a great day, especially since it’s our first Valentine’s Day. So for a couple of weeks now I’ve been wondering wtf I should even do since I’ve never celebrated it before. Whenever my friends asked me all I had was “I don’t know.” A couple of nights ago, two friends gave me some suggestions I actually really liked. They suggested taking her to a restaurant by the water so we have a nice view and can do walk around the beach at night after our meal. That sounded awesome to me. So the next day I made reservations at some Italian place by the beach, Italian because we’ve been trying to eat at different types of restaurants once a month and next was Italian. We kinda put a halt on that for a bit so I thought this would be a good time to bring it back.

That same day I order some chocolate dipped strawberries that come in a nice box because she loves those and I thought we could eat them in bed together once we got home from the restaurant. I’m picking them up on Wednesday along with a balloon. Thursday morning I was planning on picking up some flowers for her and my mom at a flower stand right by my house. Everything is set and I felt kinda proud of myself. I’ve never been a very romantic person. My friends would be shocked and would probably laugh if I told them everything I planned. For all the shit I talked about Valentine’s to her, I was excited for this and felt good about it. I wanted to see her face at the end of it all. However, yesterday I go to her house pretty late because I was with some friends. I had initially made plans with her first but she urged me to go with them because one of them is leaving the state soon to go back home. She told me I could come over afterwards. So it’s almost 1 and I’m heading to her house which isn’t very far and when I’m almost there she tells me she’s tired but that I can come in for a little bit. I felt bad for getting there so late but since I was already close I figured I’d at least see her for a little while. I start telling her that I already have everything planned for us but not going into detail and she’s excited. Then I jokingly tell her that next year we’re not doing anything extravagant, we’re ordering heart shaped pizza or something. I made the joke because it was something a friend suggested to which I told her she was crazy. But the point of her suggestion was that I could try cooking us something next year. I don’t know how to cook very well but I was definitely open to improve because I liked the suggestion. Anyway, she looks tired so I tell her I can leave if she wants to go to sleep. She says it’s fine. A few minutes later she still looks tired so I ask her again and she tells me that I can go if I want, that I don’t need to ask her. I realize that she thinks I’m asking her because I’m the one that wants to go so I tell her that that’s not it. She doesn’t buy it and just tells me I can go and gets up to lead me out the door. She’s not exactly mad while she’s doing this, she’s still smiling, but I can tell it’s not genuine. She was upset. I reluctantly leave.

When I get home I start texting her, apologizing for any misunderstanding we might have had. She tells me that I clearly didn’t wanna come over since I kept asking her if she wanted me to leave. She was also upset when I said we’re not doing anything extravagant next Valentine’s because of what I mentioned that morning and the day before about how I don’t care much for Valentine’s. She said she didn’t want me to go somewhere or do something I didn’t wanna do just because it’s something she wants. That I shouldn’t have to force myself to go on a Valentine’s date with her. So she said we should just order pizza and stay home. I think based on what I said in this post, I definitely WANT to do this. I’m not forcing myself. A date has been on my mind for two weeks and I’m glad I was finally able to come up with something. I explained this all to her and all my feelings behind it. I told her that I know sometimes my behavior doesn’t match my feelings, which is true. I’m a fucking grinch. I complain about shit all the time and am sometimes a jerk just for fun. Not with her usually but with my friends. But despite how I act, I can be genuinely happy am excited about something or someone. I thought that by now she already knew this. But she wouldn’t buy any of it. She just didn’t believe me. I urged her to please trust me and go on this date with me because I’m sure she’ll love it, but she says she doesn’t wanna do anything. She wouldn’t feel comfortable. She cried and then told me she was going to bed.

She hasn’t texted me much today. We argued around New Year’s too because long story short, she thought I didn’t really care to do anything with her on New Year’s because I kept telling her I wasn’t sure if I was spending it with her or my family. In the end I decided to spend it with her since I didn’t get to spend Christmas with her but she didn’t buy it. She thought I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t wanna do. In the end, we spent New Years with her family and it was great. I’m hoping the same happens now but idk. Idk what to do. Was I wrong? Am I an inconsiderate asshole?
In a nutshell why I think Valentines day is dumb haha. But honestly, just don't be a grinch or sarcastic about this stuff because you don't know how this shit is going to be taken if it's the first one you are celebrating with someone. It's cool to share that you're not huge on the day just because of all the external pressures and such but beyond that I just suggest in the future you leave it at that. The more you downplay it or state you hate it the more any actions you do for it will seem forced and if you actually put in all this effort why sabotage it by shit talking the day?

The tired thing, well, I think it's just a misunderstanding but its highlighting other issues. All I would personally suggest is, if ya girl says she isn't tired, then just accept it. Let her communicate to you what she is feeling instead of asking repeatedly. But I don't think it is a big issue.
 

Ojhe

Member
Apr 13, 2018
48
Bronx
Typed out a whole essay on here about my non relationship with my current Valentine and found after reading this thread for so long I already had all the answers I was looking for so here I am erasing all of it.
 
Oct 27, 2017
290
This is key. Once had someone tell me "I'm still interested in seeing you!" despite not texting for days at a time and taking at least a day to respond to mine. Last I cared about this particular prospect, it'd been a week of radio silence. But again, every time I brought it up to try to get some closure it was "I'm still interested!"
Yeah. I usually need to take a step back everytime I start seeing someone, just to check if I'm the only one taking the iniciative. In this case, we were really just acquaintances starting to known each other, but now I can tell he was all talk and no show haha.
 

Jokab

Member
Oct 28, 2017
597
Yeah. I usually need to take a step back everytime I start seeing someone, just to check if I'm the only one taking the iniciative. In this case, we were really just acquaintances starting to known each other, but now I can tell he was all talk and no show haha.
While this is generally a good stance, it's worth considering that it can backfire if the other person interprets your backing off as disinterest and therefore assumes you ghosted.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
While this is generally a good stance, it's worth considering that it can backfire if the other person interprets your backing off as disinterest and therefore assumes you ghosted.
It’s pretty foolproof if you do it correctly. It’s not about ignoring the person, it’s about dialing back a bit on initiation and giving them a chance to initiate instead.

If the person assumes you’re ghosting because you haven’t started any conversations but they haven’t even tried to establish contact with you, then it works as intended as you clearly aren’t a priority to them.
 
Oct 27, 2017
290
It’s pretty foolproof if you do it correctly. It’s not about ignoring the person, it’s about dialing back a bit on initiation and giving them a chance to initiate instead.

If the person assumes you’re ghosting because you haven’t started any conversations but they haven’t even tried to establish contact with you, then it works as intended as you clearly aren’t a priority to them.
Yes, this is exactly what I meant by that. What I mean to say is that, if you're constantly initiating contact with the other person, you should definitely take a step back and see if the other person will initiate contact as well, take action, whatever you call it. If he/she isn't, then it's likely that person isn't as interested as you are, so it's best to leave that as it is and move on.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,741
China
It’s pretty foolproof if you do it correctly. It’s not about ignoring the person, it’s about dialing back a bit on initiation and giving them a chance to initiate instead.

If the person assumes you’re ghosting because you haven’t started any conversations but they haven’t even tried to establish contact with you, then it works as intended as you clearly aren’t a priority to them.
Correct, it works in real life too. If there's someone you are interested in, you're texting a lot even late at night, personal stuff or whatever guys think is getting closer to a girl stop and look back if you are the one instigating these discussions.

Basically even outside of dating this is a good litmus test. Don't instigate any conversations for even a short time just to see who actually starts conversations with you.
 

SuperBanana

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,488
So, I've been single most of my life but 7 months ago I met this amazing woman. We hit it off instantly and are really in love She loves romantic stuff too. I normally work until midnight on the day valentines is on this year so in exchange to get it off I've been working 6 days last week, including all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and all late nights. It's been exhausting!

I've kept it secret and only told her I that might be able to see her on my lunch break so keep the night clear just in case. I'm going to show up at her place once she gets home from work with flowers, a nice bottle of wine, and I'm going to cook some of her favourite foods including Chinese lemon chicken, fried rice, and I'm going to experiment making 3 kinds of chocolate moose(her favourite desert) all from scratch, no packet stuff. If it's a nice day and she isn't home too late I was going to turn it into a picnic and have it at a park near the beach.

I was just worried it might not seem like enough though. Is a surprise dinner with wine and flowers romantic or is it just a nice thing without much romance to it? Or even just very generic? I considered a night at a fancy hotel or a nice restaurant but we've done both of those for our birthdays so I wanted something fresh.

Any advice on my plans?
 

Jokab

Member
Oct 28, 2017
597
So, I've been single most of my life but 7 months ago I met this amazing woman. We hit it off instantly and are really in love She loves romantic stuff too. I normally work until midnight on the day valentines is on this year so in exchange to get it off I've been working 6 days last week, including all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and all late nights. It's been exhausting!

I've kept it secret and only told her I that might be able to see her on my lunch break so keep the night clear just in case. I'm going to show up at her place once she gets home from work with flowers, a nice bottle of wine, and I'm going to cook some of her favourite foods including Chinese lemon chicken, fried rice, and I'm going to experiment making 3 kinds of chocolate moose(her favourite desert) all from scratch, no packet stuff. If it's a nice day and she isn't home too late I was going to turn it into a picnic and have it at a park near the beach.

I was just worried it might not seem like enough though. Is a surprise dinner with wine and flowers romantic or is it just a nice thing without much romance to it? Or even just very generic? I considered a night at a fancy hotel or a nice restaurant but we've done both of those for our birthdays so I wanted something fresh.

Any advice on my plans?
Not enough? You work long-ass hours, get all her favorite stuff, cook for her, and show up as a surprise. I'd call her a very demanding woman if that isn't enough
 

Jokab

Member
Oct 28, 2017
597
It’s pretty foolproof if you do it correctly. It’s not about ignoring the person, it’s about dialing back a bit on initiation and giving them a chance to initiate instead.

If the person assumes you’re ghosting because you haven’t started any conversations but they haven’t even tried to establish contact with you, then it works as intended as you clearly aren’t a priority to them.
Sure, dialing back is different from what I interpreted Fridaynightcatlady's advice as.
 
Oct 27, 2017
290
So, I've been single most of my life but 7 months ago I met this amazing woman. We hit it off instantly and are really in love She loves romantic stuff too. I normally work until midnight on the day valentines is on this year so in exchange to get it off I've been working 6 days last week, including all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and all late nights. It's been exhausting!

I've kept it secret and only told her I that might be able to see her on my lunch break so keep the night clear just in case. I'm going to show up at her place once she gets home from work with flowers, a nice bottle of wine, and I'm going to cook some of her favourite foods including Chinese lemon chicken, fried rice, and I'm going to experiment making 3 kinds of chocolate moose(her favourite desert) all from scratch, no packet stuff. If it's a nice day and she isn't home too late I was going to turn it into a picnic and have it at a park near the beach.

I was just worried it might not seem like enough though. Is a surprise dinner with wine and flowers romantic or is it just a nice thing without much romance to it? Or even just very generic? I considered a night at a fancy hotel or a nice restaurant but we've done both of those for our birthdays so I wanted something fresh.

Any advice on my plans?
This sounds super great. It's definitely enough.
 
Oct 27, 2017
327
I've experienced this situation a few times in my life (friend with a dick partner). You'll never convince them they are in a bad relationship even with the facts. You've got to let them run the course and hopefully when they see the light, be there for them. That's all you can do.
Just want to chime in and say, as a victim of emotional abuse, this is accurate. My friends and family were concerned about me, but I couldn't see it until things clicked for me on my own. They'll figure it out (or they won't, I guess), and as others said, they will need support when it ends.
 

smisk

Member
Oct 27, 2017
844
My gf's birthday is in late November and mine is in January so with those plus Christmas, we agreed months ago not to do presents for Valentine's day and just go out for dinner the day after or something. Then this weekend she got the idea to make us dinner and dessert since she works from home Thursday, I was fine with this and offered to buy the steaks and stuff since she's cooking but she said that she'd do it and that I should get her a present.
Don't have a problem buying her something but I'm annoyed that I have to figure something out last minute when I'm already busy with other stuff during the week. Can't do anything edible cause she's really trying to eat healthily right now. Thinking of trying to find a salon that offers gift certificates since she's been wanting to get her hair done professionally but is turned off by the cost. Worst case I'll just pick up some flowers I guess.
Any other suggestions y'all? Thought about lingerie too but no time to order anything.
 

Clay Davis

Member
Jan 8, 2018
37
Hi, everyone.

Hope you're all doing OK. I know this is the dating thread, but I need some advice.

Things are going really, really well between us and everything is on course for what feels like marriage (we've talked about it and we both want the same things as we get older), but today my girlfriend told me she wants her friend to join us all day tomorrow. I don't usually mind, I like all her friends and we tend to get on well, but tomorrow was supposed to our special day and now her friend will be there all day and will eventually come back to our place and have dinner with us.

I don't want to raise a fuss as her friend is currently not doing very well and my girlfriend is worried about her, but I still feel a bit annoyed we can't be alone. Should I say something or just let it go (so to speak) and focus on having a fun day?
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
Hi, everyone.

Hope you're all doing OK. I know this is the dating thread, but I need some advice.

Things are going really, really well between us and everything is on course for what feels like marriage (we've talked about it and we both want the same things as we get older), but today my girlfriend told me she wants her friend to join us all day tomorrow. I don't usually mind, I like all her friends and we tend to get on well, but tomorrow was supposed to our special day and now her friend will be there all day and will eventually come back to our place and have dinner with us.

I don't want to raise a fuss as her friend is currently not doing very well and my girlfriend is worried about her, but I still feel a bit annoyed we can't be alone. Should I say something or just let it go (so to speak) and focus on having a fun day?
What’s significant about this day? You could always do something with just the two of you another day.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
Wow, ok it’s really early in the morning for me so just forget I said that lol

Uh, yeah that’s really weird, Clay Davis . It’s not wrong at all for you to want to spend a Valentines Day alone with your SO. I don’t get why she wants to have her friend along the whole time. Definitely tell her how you feel about it, I don’t think expressing that you want Valentines Day to be just the two of you would qualify as making a fuss.
 

That Guy

Member
Nov 13, 2017
222
So I went on a second date with someone I met on Tinder and I think it's the first time I've actually clicked with someone. She said she was recently out of an abusive relationship and will take some time for her to get to trust someone else, so we've been taking it slow, just had drinks and the conversation got pretty deep. Haven't even kissed yet but she's up for a third date when she's back from travelling. Anywho, I know it's not wise to get too hung up over someone at this early stage but maybe there's something there, we'll see.
 

Ralemont

Member
Jan 3, 2018
1,825
Hi, everyone.

Hope you're all doing OK. I know this is the dating thread, but I need some advice.

Things are going really, really well between us and everything is on course for what feels like marriage (we've talked about it and we both want the same things as we get older), but today my girlfriend told me she wants her friend to join us all day tomorrow. I don't usually mind, I like all her friends and we tend to get on well, but tomorrow was supposed to our special day and now her friend will be there all day and will eventually come back to our place and have dinner with us.

I don't want to raise a fuss as her friend is currently not doing very well and my girlfriend is worried about her, but I still feel a bit annoyed we can't be alone. Should I say something or just let it go (so to speak) and focus on having a fun day?
Eh I would just let it go. Any day can be your special day regardless of when commercial capitalism dictates you have it and I'm guessing your partner's friend not doing well has something to do with her feeling terrible about being alone on Valentine's Day. Maybe do something romantic this weekend instead?

This is key. Once had someone tell me "I'm still interested in seeing you!" despite not texting for days at a time and taking at least a day to respond to mine. Last I cared about this particular prospect, it'd been a week of radio silence. But again, every time I brought it up to try to get some closure it was "I'm still interested!"
It happened to me last week unfortunately. Great first date, she really wants to see me again but is getting lasik at the end of the week so she'll be bedridden again but took off all week so she'll have plenty of time blah blah. Next thing I know it's the end of the week, she hasn't agreed to another day, and she's leaving for the Poconos for the weekend. I told her to text me when she got back if she wanted to schedule something and deleted the convo. Haven't heard from her since.
 

artsi

Member
Oct 26, 2017
512
Finland
Anyone dated a single mom? Like "kid's got no daddy" level single mom?
There's this girl who moved from other side of the country back home with her 2 year old kid, and the father stayed over there.

The girl herself is fine and pretty much everything I'm looking for. I'm not against kids, I like them, but I'm wondering how well it would work with the kid needing a lot of attention, without the possibility to have the father take care of him ever. I guess the grandparents are still in the picture, though.
 
Oct 25, 2017
4,741
China
Anyone dated a single mom? Like "kid's got no daddy" level single mom?
There's this girl who moved from other side of the country back home with her 2 year old kid, and the father stayed over there.

The girl herself is fine and pretty much everything I'm looking for. I'm not against kids, I like them, but I'm wondering how well it would work with the kid needing a lot of attention, without the possibility to have the father take care of him ever. I guess the grandparents are still in the picture, though.
2's a tough age and with her mom just moving into the area you need to keep it in the back of your mind she might be very agreeable right now if she's looking for a new baby daddy. Make sure you keep boundaries in the early stages that you are just dating but are happy to help out with the kid. Time will tell.
 
Oct 27, 2017
290
Ha I meant for friends or acquaintances in general. Dating-wise, I've moved on a lot. Beats being pressed.
Ohh, hm. I know you're not asking for advice, but if your friends aren't initiating contact with you - and it's something that bothers you or affects you- I'd have a talk with them. I'd personally feel very uncomfortable with a situation like that, since with my friends, it's usually 50-50 who's initating contact or reaching out to the others. But I think I get what you mean.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
Not an advice question but more I'm just curious about people's views on this:

I have a friend who went on a first date with a guy. She says it was a great date but the guy asked to split the bill at the end, which has turned her off from the whole thing. Personally, I don't think it's a problem at all but I know it's a big dating etiquette thing and that at least a decent amount of women expect the man to foot the bill so what do people here think? Is it a deal breaker or does it not matter?
 

Zeyphersan

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
4,343
California
Not an advice question but more I'm just curious about people's views on this:

I have a friend who went on a first date with a guy. She says it was a great date but the guy asked to split the bill at the end, which has turned her off from the whole thing. Personally, I don't think it's a problem at all but I know it's a big dating etiquette thing and that at least a decent amount of women expect the man to foot the bill so what do people here think? Is it a deal breaker or does it not matter?
I usually pay for the first date because it’s expected, but some point down the line I do tend to have a conversation that amounts to “hey I‘m too poor to bankroll everything.” Given my general dating pool (college students) they understand.

In your friend’s specific scenario, I will say that for whatever reason, asking to split is different than having someone offer to split. Because there’s a societal expectation that the guy will pay, asking to split is a disruption of the norm and can be an offputting thing to just throw out there, especially once the check hits and not before. Right or wrong, she was expecting to not have to pay, so she probably didn’t appreciate that appearing out of nowhere. If she wanted to split I’m sure she would have offered, and that would have gone over fine.

In a just world that wouldn’t be the case, but that’s how it is.
 
Oct 25, 2017
360
Not an advice question but more I'm just curious about people's views on this:

I have a friend who went on a first date with a guy. She says it was a great date but the guy asked to split the bill at the end, which has turned her off from the whole thing. Personally, I don't think it's a problem at all but I know it's a big dating etiquette thing and that at least a decent amount of women expect the man to foot the bill so what do people here think? Is it a deal breaker or does it not matter?
I never expect a guy to get the bill. All three of the first dates I had last month I happily split the bill. When my now boyfriend said he would like to take me out to dinner for our second date, I didn’t fight him on it because he explicitly stated he was paying.

But I’m learning I’m a lot more chill than most women, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

I’m also in my mid-30’s so that may have something to do with it too.
 

smisk

Member
Oct 27, 2017
844
Not an advice question but more I'm just curious about people's views on this:

I have a friend who went on a first date with a guy. She says it was a great date but the guy asked to split the bill at the end, which has turned her off from the whole thing. Personally, I don't think it's a problem at all but I know it's a big dating etiquette thing and that at least a decent amount of women expect the man to foot the bill so what do people here think? Is it a deal breaker or does it not matter?
Definitely a turnoff for some people. My girlfriend's sister went out with a guy but wasn't super into it at least partly because he didn't offer to pay. Personally I'd always pay on the first date but I think it's kinda old fashioned to expect the guy to do it all the time.
 

Willectro

Member
Oct 27, 2017
563
Toronto, Canada
Not an advice question but more I'm just curious about people's views on this:

I have a friend who went on a first date with a guy. She says it was a great date but the guy asked to split the bill at the end, which has turned her off from the whole thing. Personally, I don't think it's a problem at all but I know it's a big dating etiquette thing and that at least a decent amount of women expect the man to foot the bill so what do people here think? Is it a deal breaker or does it not matter?
I go with the expectation that I will be paying, specifically if I asked them out. It's awkward regardless, but if they don't offer to split I'm not super thrilled. It's just a matter of both parties being considerate.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
I go with the expectation that I will be paying, specifically if I asked them out. It's awkward regardless, but if they don't offer to split I'm not super thrilled. It's just a matter of both parties being considerate.
Hmm, so if a woman asked you out, you would expect her to pay? I hear "whoever sets the date pays" but that's almost universally expected to be the man as well, isn't it?


I never expect a guy to get the bill. All three of the first dates I had last month I happily split the bill. When my now boyfriend said he would like to take me out to dinner for our second date, I didn’t fight him on it because he explicitly stated he was paying.

But I’m learning I’m a lot more chill than most women, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

I’m also in my mid-30’s so that may have something to do with it too.
Yeah, I think that if you're on a first date, you don't know each other and you're equals so why not split? It's nice to pay for the person but it should only be a generous gesture and nothing more.

You being in your mid-30's is interesting because I would assume people in their early 20s would be more likely to split than not. Overall, the whole "man pays for everything" thing is really old fashioned and I don't really understand how it fits in our society today. It feels like a gender norm that just exists because we've had it for a long time. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like it comes from a time where women weren't expected to work jobs and instead take care of the house so it didn't make sense for them to split.

I usually pay for the first date because it’s expected, but some point down the line I do tend to have a conversation that amounts to “hey I‘m too poor to bankroll everything.” Given my general dating pool (college students) they understand.

In your friend’s specific scenario, I will say that for whatever reason, asking to split is different than having someone offer to split. Because there’s a societal expectation that the guy will pay, asking to split is a disruption of the norm and can be an offputting thing to just throw out there, especially once the check hits and not before. Right or wrong, she was expecting to not have to pay, so she probably didn’t appreciate that appearing out of nowhere. If she wanted to split I’m sure she would have offered, and that would have gone over fine.

In a just world that wouldn’t be the case, but that’s how it is.
I admit I do pay for the first date just to be safe even though I don't think it should be a big deal. When I hear stories like this, I don't want what has been a good date to be ruined over what I see as a silly thing. I generally do drinks or coffee for a first date though so it's not like I'm paying for an expensive dinner. It's definitely an awkward moment to bring up wanting to split the bill though. I'm glad my girlfriend offered to split on the second date so we never had that conversation. I still buy her drinks and meals and things every now and then but it's different since I just want to treat her and not because I'm feeling pressured by expectations.
 

Willectro

Member
Oct 27, 2017
563
Toronto, Canada
Hmm, so if a woman asked you out, you would expect her to pay? I hear "whoever sets the date pays" but that's almost universally expected to be the man as well, isn't it?
Good point, but I rarely have this particular problem. I guess my point is, if I initiate I assume I'm paying, but appreciate the gesture of offering to split (even though I will pay). Not going to lie, I dislike role type stuff like this, but it exists.
 

Ezra

Member
Nov 14, 2017
223
Hi, everyone.

Hope you're all doing OK. I know this is the dating thread, but I need some advice.

Things are going really, really well between us and everything is on course for what feels like marriage (we've talked about it and we both want the same things as we get older), but today my girlfriend told me she wants her friend to join us all day tomorrow. I don't usually mind, I like all her friends and we tend to get on well, but tomorrow was supposed to our special day and now her friend will be there all day and will eventually come back to our place and have dinner with us.

I don't want to raise a fuss as her friend is currently not doing very well and my girlfriend is worried about her, but I still feel a bit annoyed we can't be alone. Should I say something or just let it go (so to speak) and focus on having a fun day?
I get that it's annoying, but I would let it go if she is concerned about her friend, it's not like she's inviting people because she doesn't want to be alone with you.

Sure, it's valentine's day, but you can celebrate it any other day. I do it all the time.
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
Good point, but I rarely have this particular problem. I guess my point is, if I initiate I assume I'm paying, but appreciate the gesture of offering to split (even though I will pay). Not going to lie, I dislike role type stuff like this, but it exists.
Yeah it’s never been a thing for me regarding a first date. Usually as the guy you have to initiate or nothing will happen. That said if it did happen, I would still probably worry about paying just to make a good impression.

That said, where I differ is if I try to pay and the girl offers to split, I won’t insist and will split.

I get that it's annoying, but I would let it go if she is concerned about her friend, it's not like she's inviting people because she doesn't want to be alone with you.

Sure, it's valentine's day, but you can celebrate it any other day. I do it all the time.
Hmm, I didn’t really consider this viewpoint. It really isn’t a big deal to do V Day stuff another day. I don’t care that much.

That said it probably depends on how important it is to Clay Davis and if he and his girlfriend actually talked about this or if she just decided on her own that her friend was going to tag along all day.
 
Oct 25, 2017
360
Hmm, so if a woman asked you out, you would expect her to pay? I hear "whoever sets the date pays" but that's almost universally expected to be the man as well, isn't it?



Yeah, I think that if you're on a first date, you don't know each other and you're equals so why not split? It's nice to pay for the person but it should only be a generous gesture and nothing more.

You being in your mid-30's is interesting because I would assume people in their early 20s would be more likely to split than not. Overall, the whole "man pays for everything" thing is really old fashioned and I don't really understand how it fits in our society today. It feels like a gender norm that just exists because we've had it for a long time. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like it comes from a time where women weren't expected to work jobs and instead take care of the house so it didn't make sense for them to split.
I think it’s super outdated and obnoxious tbh. So much so that if I get there before the other person (which I usually do because I’m always on time/early) and we’re getting drinks or coffee, I’ll buy my drink before they even show up.

Also, regarding what you said to the other poster above - I definitely took my bf out to dinner last week! It’s really hilarious because the waitstaff always get confused when I grab the bill from them as they’re handing it to the dude at the table. I can pay for dinner too, thank you very much 😂. I like spoiling my significant other!

I’m kinda disappointed to hear of other women being pissy because the guy doesn’t pay on the first date. I hate all these unwritten dating rules/expectations. It so totally depends on the person and the situation, you know?
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
I think it’s super outdated and obnoxious tbh. So much so that if I get there before the other person (which I usually do because I’m always on time/early) and we’re getting drinks or coffee, I’ll buy my drink before they even show up.

Also, regarding what you said to the other poster above - I definitely took my bf out to dinner last week! It’s really hilarious because the waitstaff always get confused when I grab the bill from them as they’re handing it to the dude at the table. I can pay for dinner too, thank you very much 😂. I like spoiling my significant other!

I’m kinda disappointed to hear of other women being pissy because the guy doesn’t pay on the first date. I hate all these unwritten dating rules/expectations. It so totally depends on the person and the situation, you know?
I'm most disappointed when I hear people state that it's what "men" do. Like there's a guideline of specific things men must do to be considered real men. That just irks me. I don't really like that some women place such importance on it but I should be fair because I've seen men do it to. With men, it's more like they're super possessive over the bill as if the woman offering to pay or split is a challenge to their masculinity. It's generally why I don't like don't like gendered rules of dating either.

The dinner story with your bf is funny, I actually had that happen to me but I was just getting lunch with a female friend so it wasn't even a date haha
 

Tygerjaw

Member
Oct 25, 2017
317
Shit, I was hitting on a girl who has a boyfriend. She didn’t give any signs, we were having good interactions, she seemed into me, got her phone number, invited her to a coffee and all that.
I then confirmed the coffee today, she was like, ok. Then I said something like “it’s gonna be packed tomorrow since it is Valentine’s Day. One minute later she drops the bomb, “we are gonna have to reschedule, my boyfriend bla bla bla”. I’m like “What? Ok”. I really don’t know what to make out of it, since she agreed before. To make matters worse I’m in an open relationship and didn’t have the opportunity to tell it to this girl.
Guess I shouldn’t have expected much...
 
Nov 17, 2017
5,878
Shit, I was hitting on a girl who has a boyfriend. She didn’t give any signs, we were having good interactions, she seemed into me, got her phone number, invited her to a coffee and all that.
I then confirmed the coffee today, she was like, ok. Then I said something like “it’s gonna be packed tomorrow since it is Valentine’s Day. One minute later she drops the bomb, “we are gonna have to reschedule, my boyfriend bla bla bla”. I’m like “What? Ok”. I really don’t know what to make out of it, since she agreed before. To make matters worse I’m in an open relationship and didn’t have the opportunity to tell it to this girl.
Guess I shouldn’t have expected much...
This exact thing happened to me like 5 or 6 years ago. When I suggested the time we meet up, she was like "Can we do it a little earlier? I'm meeting up with my boyfriend around then." It was on Valentines Day too. I was so confused.
 

BeforeU

Banned for use of alt account
Banned
Oct 30, 2017
1,933
Need help guys.

I was set up by a friend, we haven't actually met yet but I have seen her on few occasions and I always had a crush on her. I don't think she even knows me.

Anyways, so my friend set us up as in not a date but we exchanged numbers and the date part was something we had to figure out after talking. So we exchanged about 5-6 messages over the weekend. It was late at night so her last message was "i am going to bed, we can continue later"

I msged her once on monday, no reply. its been 3 days. Am i just ghosted? what should I msg without sounding too desperate?

Would it be weird if I dm her in Instagram directly? indirectly showing my profile? Since I added her in my contact, her Instagram acct is coming as a suggested.

help help i really don't want to screw this up