DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Oct 27, 2017
1,388
Earth
The story is like this:

Context
We have been together for little more than a year. I had to move due to job reasons about 2000 km out from our home city, just after we started going out. She suggested moving in with me, and it felt good so we planned for that. She moved in last September.

In the meantime, I had some rowdy messages with a friend that I knew would not get over well with her, but I really didn't mean nothing of it. It was basically horse-play and it was never ever ever meant to be anything but. My gf got to those messages and freaked out. I apologized and realized that was bad behavior and cut it off.

Her cheating
Shortly after that, and after moving in, it's when she cheated on me. She went out on town with some visitors, omitted that she lived with me and basically fooled around with a guy. I got wind of it by accident and almost threw her off the house. I calmed down however and decided to give her another chance, mainly because I saw myself reflected in my own bad behavior and that I was able to change it and being more honest so I hoped she would too. It hurt me like a bitch, and was hurt for a while, yet I think I took as an opportunity to grow. Please note she never stopped being loving and caring all while she cheated on me.

She started going to therapy, because up to that point she was having very destructive behavior, like suicidal thoughts, strange paranoia when drinking, low drive to do anything, a horrible job as well as medical problems (Throat infection followed by yeast infections, blefaritis). The sex life up to this point had always been so great and even though we had challenging times with therapy/health/job loss, sex was always so intimate and satisfying that I felt everything would be alright.

Recovery? Anxiety sets in
We dedicated ourselves to improving all those situations and improve they did. She started her own business and it's starting to take off, her medical issues are diminishing and she's been 2 months out without a psych episode. It's almost like it's inversely related with sex life, as the best she gets, the worst the sex life is. She has stopped getting wet and claims to be nervous and anxious about that. Since New Year's eve we have tried about 3 or 4 times only, and one time we couldn't do it because of how tight it was. I have suggested doing other stuff like oral and fingering and she goes along for the first two times and then completely forgets about it. She never initiates any more, and when I do, I get tenderly rejected.

Since her business is taking off, she seems to be always on the phone and I have seen some strange notifications when using her phone for w/e. She talks to me about 1/3 of her conversations online, which is not a big deal for me usually, but when couple with notifications from dudes or something as well as her past behavior, I get very anxious.

Now
While my job has its things it's not stressful, and my life in the new city is boring, but easy enough. I am making good money after years of studying so I feel good in that regard. But somehow, my love-life is feeling very dreadful. She went home for some weeks due to family issues and I felt so much at peace, like I haven't felt in so long. Just in the last two weeks my feelings have changed from "Is she doing this? Am I sad? What can I do?" to "I just deserve to be happy. I DO remember not being jealous in my previous relationships. I am OK personally."

During that time, a friend of mine asked to start chatting to a gal friend of her that was going through a really rough patch. I did, and it felt good. This gal friend then started to heavily flirt on me and I felt very responsive. Aware of my past behavior, I cut off this talk due to respect to my girlfriend, but now I am left wondering if I am correct in staying in this relationship. These anxious feelings have been here for the last 2 to 3 months, and in no way started with me chatting this gal, but it only brought them even more to the forefront.

We have made sacrifices to move to this city, it's not as easy as "ok you go away now". I would not want to break a meaningful relationship on a hunch or a fleeting feeling, yet it feels like it's not going away soon. I don't feel like I can get to trust her completely as she should deserve from a relationship.
You answered your own question

It's time to leave the relationship
 
I’m 32. She’s 31. If it matters, we’re both liberal-minded. I’m atheist. She considers herself Muslim but she drinks and doesn’t wear a hijab and doesn’t pray - so she’s not conservative in that sense. She’s Bangladeshi and I’m half-Iranian / half-Lebanese. I’m working as a tech professional and she’s working on her PhD. I don’t know if any of this matters, but I wanted to provide some more context.

Will take what you said into account.
I've been thinking on this a little more today. She's probably being pressured to be in a relationship by her family. You're the "beard" boyfriend she can point too when they ask why she's single.
 
The story is like this:

Context
We have been together for little more than a year. I had to move due to job reasons about 2000 km out from our home city, just after we started going out. She suggested moving in with me, and it felt good so we planned for that. She moved in last September.

In the meantime, I had some rowdy messages with a friend that I knew would not get over well with her, but I really didn't mean nothing of it. It was basically horse-play and it was never ever ever meant to be anything but. I haven't cheated on her with anyone, not emotionally nor physically. My gf got to those messages and freaked out. I apologized and realized that was bad behavior and cut it off.

Her cheating
Shortly after that, and after moving in, it's when she cheated on me. She went out on town with some visitors, omitted that she lived with me and basically fooled around with a guy. I got wind of it by accident and almost threw her off the house. I calmed down however and decided to give her another chance, mainly because I saw myself reflected in my own bad behavior and that I was able to change it and being more honest so I hoped she would too. It hurt me like a bitch, and was hurt for a while, yet I think I took as an opportunity to grow. Please note she never stopped being loving and caring all while she cheated on me.

She started going to therapy, because up to that point she was having very destructive behavior, like suicidal thoughts, strange paranoia when drinking, low drive to do anything, a horrible job as well as medical problems (Throat infection followed by yeast infections, blefaritis). The sex life up to this point had always been so great and even though we had challenging times with therapy/health/job loss, sex was always so intimate and satisfying that I felt everything would be alright.

Recovery? Anxiety sets in
We dedicated ourselves to improving all those situations and improve they did. She started her own business and it's starting to take off, her medical issues are diminishing and she's been 2 months out without a psych episode. It's almost like it's inversely related with sex life, as the best she gets, the worst the sex life is. She has stopped getting wet and claims to be nervous and anxious about that. Since New Year's eve we have tried about 3 or 4 times only, and one time we couldn't do it because of how tight it was. I have suggested doing other stuff like oral and fingering and she goes along for the first two times and then completely forgets about it. She never initiates any more, and when I do, I get tenderly rejected.

Since her business is taking off, she seems to be always on the phone and I have seen some strange notifications when using her phone for w/e. She talks to me about 1/3 of her conversations online, which is not a big deal for me usually, but when coupled with notifications from dudes or something as well as her past behavior, I get very anxious.

Now
While my job has its things it's not stressful, and my life in the new city is boring, but easy enough. I am making good money after years of studying so I feel good in that regard. But somehow, my love-life is feeling very dreadful. She went home for some weeks due to family issues and I felt so much at peace, like I haven't felt in so long. Just in the last two weeks my feelings have changed from "Is she doing this? Am I sad? What can I do?" to "I just deserve to be happy. I DO remember not being jealous in my previous relationships. I am OK personally."

During that time, a friend of mine asked to start chatting to a gal friend of her that was going through a really rough patch. I did, and it felt good. This gal friend then started to heavily flirt on me and I felt very responsive. Aware of my past behavior, I cut off this talk due to respect to my girlfriend, but now I am left wondering if I am correct in staying in this relationship. These anxious feelings have been here for the last 2 to 3 months, and in no way started with me chatting this gal, but it only brought them even more to the forefront.

We have made sacrifices to move to this city, it's not as easy as "ok you go away now". I would not want to break a meaningful relationship on a hunch or a fleeting feeling, yet it feels like it's not going away soon. I don't feel like I can get to trust her completely as she should deserve from a relationship.
You can afford the place by yourself right? Sounds like she just tagged along or something. End this relationship before she does while she's using you as a safety net while she's looking for another guy. It's in no way a meaningful relationship, you're being used.
 
Nov 17, 2017
4,940
Can someone tell me how accurate this is?
Generally, when someone invites you over after a date, there is the implication that they may want to have sex with you. And this for both genders, women can also invite people over to their place. That said you can't just assume that because someone went home with you or invited you over that sex is going to happen. I have a problem with that quote saying "In her mind, if she goes back to your place, you will fuck" because it sets an expectation that you are obligated to sex when a girl agrees to come over. By all means, make your move but back down and don't make a fuss if she doesn't want to have sex.

Alwayscrazybacon is right, this sounds like it was cut out of some PUA reddit or something. I don't even get what it's trying to say exactly. If a girl doesn't go home with you one night, you won't have sex that night? It's written like it's come to some sort of revelation but that is very obvious. Anyway, people are individuals so it's fine to follow general dating cues to an extent, you have to listen to the person. I brought a girl home after a date once because I did want to have sex with her but we made out a bit before she stopped things and said she didn't want to go there yet. I was fine with it because I wasn't following some rule that any girl that would dare step into my home will have sex with me. The next time we went out she actually invited me to her place and I'll just say that her intentions that time were very clear so like, instead of worrying about the accuracy of this quote, just pay attention to what the person wants.
 
Nov 17, 2017
4,940
The story is like this:

Context
We have been together for little more than a year. I had to move due to job reasons about 2000 km out from our home city, just after we started going out. She suggested moving in with me, and it felt good so we planned for that. She moved in last September.

In the meantime, I had some rowdy messages with a friend that I knew would not get over well with her, but I really didn't mean nothing of it. It was basically horse-play and it was never ever ever meant to be anything but. I haven't cheated on her with anyone, not emotionally nor physically. My gf got to those messages and freaked out. I apologized and realized that was bad behavior and cut it off.

Her cheating
Shortly after that, and after moving in, it's when she cheated on me. She went out on town with some visitors, omitted that she lived with me and basically fooled around with a guy. I got wind of it by accident and almost threw her off the house. I calmed down however and decided to give her another chance, mainly because I saw myself reflected in my own bad behavior and that I was able to change it and being more honest so I hoped she would too. It hurt me like a bitch, and was hurt for a while, yet I think I took as an opportunity to grow. Please note she never stopped being loving and caring all while she cheated on me.

She started going to therapy, because up to that point she was having very destructive behavior, like suicidal thoughts, strange paranoia when drinking, low drive to do anything, a horrible job as well as medical problems (Throat infection followed by yeast infections, blefaritis). The sex life up to this point had always been so great and even though we had challenging times with therapy/health/job loss, sex was always so intimate and satisfying that I felt everything would be alright.

Recovery? Anxiety sets in
We dedicated ourselves to improving all those situations and improve they did. She started her own business and it's starting to take off, her medical issues are diminishing and she's been 2 months out without a psych episode. It's almost like it's inversely related with sex life, as the best she gets, the worst the sex life is. She has stopped getting wet and claims to be nervous and anxious about that. Since New Year's eve we have tried about 3 or 4 times only, and one time we couldn't do it because of how tight it was. I have suggested doing other stuff like oral and fingering and she goes along for the first two times and then completely forgets about it. She never initiates any more, and when I do, I get tenderly rejected.

Since her business is taking off, she seems to be always on the phone and I have seen some strange notifications when using her phone for w/e. She talks to me about 1/3 of her conversations online, which is not a big deal for me usually, but when coupled with notifications from dudes or something as well as her past behavior, I get very anxious.

Now
While my job has its things it's not stressful, and my life in the new city is boring, but easy enough. I am making good money after years of studying so I feel good in that regard. But somehow, my love-life is feeling very dreadful. She went home for some weeks due to family issues and I felt so much at peace, like I haven't felt in so long. Just in the last two weeks my feelings have changed from "Is she doing this? Am I sad? What can I do?" to "I just deserve to be happy. I DO remember not being jealous in my previous relationships. I am OK personally."

During that time, a friend of mine asked to start chatting to a gal friend of her that was going through a really rough patch. I did, and it felt good. This gal friend then started to heavily flirt on me and I felt very responsive. Aware of my past behavior, I cut off this talk due to respect to my girlfriend, but now I am left wondering if I am correct in staying in this relationship. These anxious feelings have been here for the last 2 to 3 months, and in no way started with me chatting this gal, but it only brought them even more to the forefront.

We have made sacrifices to move to this city, it's not as easy as "ok you go away now". I would not want to break a meaningful relationship on a hunch or a fleeting feeling, yet it feels like it's not going away soon. I don't feel like I can get to trust her completely as she should deserve from a relationship.
I don't really know what you mean by rowdy texts with a friend. Do you mean like sexting? Or were you flirting? If it wasn't anything that bad, then it's not right to compare that to her sleeping with someone else.

Either way, I guess I asked because I was looking for examples of what the two of you have done to fix the trust issues after cheating but it doesn't seem like you have? Like she went into therapy but you're saying it's for other issues. If she cheated on you, why did the two of you not go into couples' therapy?

The last part of your post really screams to me that you are unhappy in this relationship and are holding on to it because you've invested a lot in it over a period of time. I mean, you're happier when she's gone, you're flirting with other women and feeling really good about it and you feel anxious around her, your sex life has dried up, you have major trust issues with her and it doesn't seem like either of you are really doing the work needed to fix it - only distracting yourself with other things.


I don't want to tell you what to do but I feel like there are only three options here: Stay unhappy in this relationship, do real actual work to fix your trust problems from her cheating or break up.
 
OP
OP
Salamando
Oct 25, 2017
208
It does have a bitter feel to it, but I wasn't sure what to make of it.
Be wary of any advice that purports to explain how all women act. Doubly so if they use the phrase "That's just the way her brain is wired to think".

I've experienced plenty of contradictions to the post, both in terms of women who came to my place and didn't want to fuck, and women who didn't want to go to my place but did want to fuck (protip: some women are more comfortable fucking at their place).
 
Nov 3, 2017
2,229
Mexico
I am not ignoring your suggestions people. I am taking notes and answering questions.

I don't really know what you mean by rowdy texts with a friend. Do you mean like sexting? Or were you flirting?
It wasn't sexting as in no pictures or kisses or anything intimate was shared. It was just very rowdy flirting.

Like me being "Come over here and let me eat your ass"
And her being like "I am so cold my nipples can break a wall"

It was waaay over the top. Like stuff you would not say to any partner.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,816
D.C.
I am not ignoring your suggestions people. I am taking notes and answering questions.



It wasn't sexting as in no pictures or kisses or anything intimate was shared. It was just very rowdy flirting.

Like me being "Come over here and let me eat your ass"
And her being like "I am so cold my nipples can break a wall"

It was waaay over the top. Like stuff you would not say to any partner.
That's definitely sexting.
 
Nov 17, 2017
4,940
I am not ignoring your suggestions people. I am taking notes and answering questions.



It wasn't sexting as in no pictures or kisses or anything intimate was shared. It was just very rowdy flirting.

Like me being "Come over here and let me eat your ass"
And her being like "I am so cold my nipples can break a wall"

It was waaay over the top. Like stuff you would not say to any partner.
That's sexting. You don't have to send nudes or kissing emojis to sext. But you are obviously aware of what you did wrong and that doesn't justify her cheating on you either so I think it's best to just move beyond that point here.

My conclusion is still the same:

1. Break up.

2. Actually address and work on the issues.

3. Stay unhappy in the relationship.

One of three.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,001
I've been thinking on this a little more today. She's probably being pressured to be in a relationship by her family. You're the "beard" boyfriend she can point too when they ask why she's single.
I’m done with her. She actually keeps wanting to date me and is continuing to set up an eighth date with me, but on that date I’m going to tell her I’m done with her.

The reason is, I called her yesterday to talk about physical intimacy and her relationship goals with me. This is what I found out:

* I wanted to know why we haven’t kissed or touched each other yet, and she said she’s never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship, and never kissed anyone before

*She said she needs time to be ready before she has her first kiss

*She admitted she doesn’t know if she would enjoy kissing guys

*She also said that she’s afraid of telling her parents about me because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,816
D.C.
I’m done with her. She actually keeps wanting to date me and is continuing to set up an eighth date with me, but on that date I’m going to tell her I’m done with her.

The reason is, I called her yesterday to talk about physical intimacy and her relationship goals with me. This is what I found out:

* I wanted to know why we haven’t kissed or touched each other yet, and she said she’s never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship, and never kissed anyone before

*She said she needs time to be ready before she has her first kiss

*She admitted she doesn’t know if she would enjoy kissing guys

*She also said that she’s afraid of telling her parents about me because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree.
Why are you even going on this "eighth date?"

From the very beginning, this girl has sounded like a complete waste of your time. Why let her waste more of it?
 
I’m done with her. She actually keeps wanting to date me and is continuing to set up an eighth date with me, but on that date I’m going to tell her I’m done with her.

The reason is, I called her yesterday to talk about physical intimacy and her relationship goals with me. This is what I found out:

* I wanted to know why we haven’t kissed or touched each other yet, and she said she’s never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship, and never kissed anyone before

*She said she needs time to be ready before she has her first kiss

*She admitted she doesn’t know if she would enjoy kissing guys

*She also said that she’s afraid of telling her parents about me because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree.
You don't need an 8th date, just call her and tell her it's not working out. Telling her that on a date would be even harder.
 
Oct 25, 2017
40
I’m done with her. She actually keeps wanting to date me and is continuing to set up an eighth date with me, but on that date I’m going to tell her I’m done with her.

The reason is, I called her yesterday to talk about physical intimacy and her relationship goals with me. This is what I found out:

* I wanted to know why we haven’t kissed or touched each other yet, and she said she’s never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship, and never kissed anyone before

*She said she needs time to be ready before she has her first kiss

*She admitted she doesn’t know if she would enjoy kissing guys

*She also said that she’s afraid of telling her parents about me because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree.

Yeah... bail, like others said don't even set up another date.
 
Update on my friend possibly getting back together with his emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend: he texted me today giving me a heads up that she’s over at our apartment. Cool, now I guess I get to have the “she’s not welcome here, so if you want to hang out do it somewhere else or find a new place to live” talk. And it’s going to tank the friendship.

He’s going to avoid talking about this at all costs, but I’m going to have to force it.
 
Update on my friend possibly getting back together with his emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend: he texted me today giving me a heads up that she’s over at our apartment. Cool, now I guess I get to have the “she’s not welcome here, so if you want to hang out do it somewhere else or find a new place to live” talk. And it’s going to tank the friendship.

He’s going to avoid talking about this at all costs, but I’m going to have to force it.
yeah, you've got to do it. I had to cut off a friend as he had a drama queen girlfriend who wanted to be the center of attention all the time. My life is much better for it.
 
Hey Era! I need some help choosing photos for my Tinder profile. Could you please take a look at my pictures and tell me which ones I should use and in what order? Thanks a lot! :)
2, 8, 7, 9, 10 in that order

Group shots have their place, it’s just important it’s not the first one. Throw 3 in there as well if there’s space (I forget how many slots Tinder provides)
 
Oct 26, 2017
6,750
Met a friend of a friend the other day. She is really cute, and super smart, we seemed to have a good vibe. But there was also no doubt that she's a bit of a flirt.

Few days later we all got high and watched Interstellar, friend fell asleep, me and her ended up talking about space and science and shit for hours, we were under the same blanket, not fully cuddling, but definitely more and more contact as the night went on that she wasn't shying away from (but no big enough hint for my timid ass to make a full on move). She turned me onto a new band that I'm loving, and she seems to be 'into' texting, snapchatting etc. We've been talking quite a bit. When I mention something like, 'we'll have to get coffee sometime this week' she seems really into it, and lays out her entire five day schedule for me so we can plan it.

But she is definitely a flirt and by her own admission, the first night we met, loves the 'game'. And I am complete trash at the game, and only recently started pursuing people romantically and feel like I have some inkling what I'm doing. I'm just trying to be myself and honest, and definitely not too eager, which I've been known to do.

I think I'm doing okay for now. But if any experts in here want to analyze this from an experienced 3rd party perspective, I'd be very interested.
 
Nov 4, 2017
37
I think I'm doing okay for now. But if any experts in here want to analyze this from an experienced 3rd party perspective, I'd be very interested.
It sounds like everything is pretty clear cut here and the only real challenge is self-doubt and anxiety. Just be you and do what feels right.

Also, just because she loves 'the game' doesn't mean that you have to play it. Don't pressure yourself and morph your personality just to accommodate hers. Respect what you're comfortable with and do what feels natural, not what you think you need to do for her to like you.
 
Oct 26, 2017
6,750
It sounds like everything is pretty clear cut here and the only real challenge is self-doubt and anxiety. Just be you and do what feels right.

Also, just because she loves 'the game' doesn't mean that you have to play it. Don't pressure yourself and morph your personality just to accommodate hers. Respect what you're comfortable with and do what feels natural, not what you think you need to do for her to like you.
Cool, much appreciated.

Yea, I'm not going to try to play a game I'm crap at. I'm comfortable with who I am, and if they aren't into it that's totally fine. Guess we will see how it goes.
 
Oct 25, 2017
5,278
I’m done with her. She actually keeps wanting to date me and is continuing to set up an eighth date with me, but on that date I’m going to tell her I’m done with her.

The reason is, I called her yesterday to talk about physical intimacy and her relationship goals with me. This is what I found out:

* I wanted to know why we haven’t kissed or touched each other yet, and she said she’s never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship, and never kissed anyone before

*She said she needs time to be ready before she has her first kiss

*She admitted she doesn’t know if she would enjoy kissing guys

*She also said that she’s afraid of telling her parents about me because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree.
Forget the kissing, she's not even flirting or touching. I'm just amazed this has gone to seven dates. When I was dating (and this is through a muslim dating app), if there was chemistry we would be touching on the very first date. Just tell her on the phone that you don't see this working out and wish her good luck in her search. With that last meritocratic detail, this was never going to work so just end it today.
 
Oct 28, 2017
46
The girl I've been on three dates with doesn't respond to my query for a fourth one, so that's that. It's probably for the best, I had some serious doubts about compatibility myself after the last date. Prettiest girl I've ever dated, though.

Just last week I had dates with three different girls and felt on top of the world, and now I'm empty-handed. I should really learn to space these things out better. It doesn't help that I barely get any responses from my matches lately, which makes me question my pictures and profile again. I might ask you guys for feedback if it persists.

I did install Happn which seems to have a very healthy userbase around here (Netherlands). I think I like the women on there a little more than Tinder, actually. Still waiting to try out Hinge but they haven't released their Android app over here yet. I installed the .apk manually but they've locked it down in-app, unfortunately.
 
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But there was also no doubt that she's a bit of a flirt.
Take note of this.

we all got high

me and her ended up talking about space and science and shit for hours,
That's pretty normal for people that are high TBH

When I mention something like, 'we'll have to get coffee sometime this week' she seems really into it, and lays out her entire five day schedule for me so we can plan it.
If you're not asking for a DATE, this is just a hangout with a friend. Tell her you want to take her on a DATE for a coffee and you'll find out if she actually has any interest in you before you get over-invested.

But she is definitely a flirt and by her own admission, the first night we met, loves the 'game'.
In all likelihood think this through if this is really someone you want to be in a serious relationship with or something casual. Experience has taught me to swerve these young flirts, as they get older they become "danger flirts". Picture a future where you're a couple and she's still flirting with guys, and guys just like you are now think they are in with a chance regardless of whether they know she is dating you. How's that going to make you feel? Do you address that with her to be met with a reply "Oh, you know I'm a flirt it doesn't mean anything".

Whatever the 'game' is. You best be believing in games, because you're in one. I would not pursue anything serious with this girl, if you do I expect you to learn some valuable life lessons.
 
Oct 26, 2017
6,750
Take note of this.



That's pretty normal for people that are high TBH



If you're not asking for a DATE, this is just a hangout with a friend. Tell her you want to take her on a DATE for a coffee and you'll find out if she actually has any interest in you before you get over-invested.



In all likelihood think this through if this is really someone you want to be in a serious relationship with or something casual. Experience has taught me to swerve these young flirts, as they get older they become "danger flirts". Picture a future where you're a couple and she's still flirting with guys, and guys just like you are now think they are in with a chance regardless of whether they know she is dating you. How's that going to make you feel? Do you address that with her to be met with a reply "Oh, you know I'm a flirt it doesn't mean anything".

Whatever the 'game' is. You best be believing in games, because you're in one. I would not pursue anything serious with this girl, if you do I expect you to learn some valuable life lessons.
I appreciate the brutal honesty that you provide in the thread. And will definitely take what you say under consideration.

We had plans to get coffee tonight, but the planning was going a bit slow, and I felt tired so I postponed. Told her I owe her a coffee ‘date’, so we’ll see how she takes it.