DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

[Minamu]

Hey, I could use some tips for how to take good photos of myself for Tinder etc.

It seems that many girls don't actually like guys who take selfies or bathroom mirror pics (I've seen countless profiles that specifically ask guys to stop doing this), along with semi-nude gym shots of course (and guys with caught fish lol). I'm really camera shy and have always struggled with accepting my own look so even under optimal conditions, I don't like my photos.

But getting good lighting and angles seems really difficult too. I'm quite self conscious about my glasses too, not to mention my practically pregnant looking belly lol.

This isn't about getting into shape or improving my self image, I'm working on that too, but more about how to objectively take good pictures of myself. The pics I'm using right now are years old and are relatively heavily photoshopped by a professional so they could be perceived as deceiving :/

Maybe it's just that the odds are against me as a regular guy in a sea of hot swedish blondes who get hundreds of swipes per day, but I get the feeling that my pics are working against me xD

 

[Sneijder]

so my ex asked me to come to me and return my things, i said that i asked, if she wants to eat and she could bring a bottle of wine and kept using excuses etc so we met today at a neutral place.

I returned her things, and she mines. We were for 3 hours and she kept drinking like me, but i was really charming and we really laught a lot. She said, that my birthday is nearby and she would come to me, and we would celebrate into it... i said she does not need it...
we talked about bad things in life, and i said that the humand beeing need to cut bad cancer cells out of your life and she asked if she is also a bad cancer, and i laughed and said yes, i need to cut you also out. She demanded that she isnt a bad cancer etc.
We had a great time and after we went to our cars, we hugged and i said to her: it was nice to ... and she completet you wanted to say nice to meet you, and had a tear and kissed her lips and said to see you, and went to my car without looking back....

i think it is over, i cried in the car, it was the first time after we broke up i cried like a baby... she was my everything.

 

[Geist]

I think I'm legitimately falling in love with someone for the first time. They're nonbinary, which is a first (and I'm totally fine with it), they have an amazing personality, they're beautiful, they share a lot of my same philosophies and ideologies, and amazingly they're super into me (spent last night in a state park under the stars in the back of a pickup talking and making out, all of which was a date they planned). We've been on 3 dates since we met last Sunday through Hinge (thanks Era for introducing me to that app).

But they're going to live in Austria for 10 months for they're graduate degree starting September and I'm moving to Phoenix later this year for a job. Life really sucks sometimes. :-(

 

[shnurgleton]

I can't get enough of this person. Contriving excuses for dates is over, we just wanna be with each other. Our "goodnight kiss" last night took the better part of an hour and we were so excited and laughing dorkily into each other's mouths. I haven't felt like this in years

 

[Siggy-P]

so my ex asked me to come to me and return my things, i said that i asked, if she wants to eat and she could bring a bottle of wine and kept using excuses etc so we met today at a neutral place.

I returned her things, and she mines. We were for 3 hours and she kept drinking like me, but i was really charming and we really laught a lot. She said, that my birthday is nearby and she would come to me, and we would celebrate into it... i said she does not need it...
we talked about bad things in life, and i said that the humand beeing need to cut bad cancer cells out of your life and she asked if she is also a bad cancer, and i laughed and said yes, i need to cut you also out. She demanded that she isnt a bad cancer etc.
We had a great time and after we went to our cars, we hugged and i said to her: it was nice to ... and she completet you wanted to say nice to meet you, and had a tear and kissed her lips and said to see you, and went to my car without looking back....

i think it is over, i cried in the car, it was the first time after we broke up i cried like a baby... she was my everything.

Click to shrink...

Sucks now, ain't gonna say it won't

But you'll get over it sooner than you think. You knew it was the right thing to split up with her and, though I haven't read any of your previous posts, I'm gonna tell you that even the most depressed people are back on their feet within a month.

You'll be okay. Better than okay, you'll be great.

Remember, there are thousands upon thousands of better people out there for you and everyone. Don't settle for a toxic relationship.

 

[Sneijder]

Sucks now, ain't gonna say it won't

But you'll get over it sooner than you think. You knew it was the right thing to split up with her and, though I haven't read any of your previous posts, I'm gonna tell you that even the most depressed people are back on their feet within a month.

You'll be okay. Better than okay, you'll be great.

Remember, there are thousands upon thousands of better people out there for you and everyone. Don't settle for a toxic relationship.

Click to shrink...

I thank you from my deepest of my heart.

But our relationship wasn't toxic and I loved her from my bottom of my heart. I think I was just needy and a beta.

 

[Messofanego]

I thank you from my deepest of my heart.

But our relationship wasn't toxic and I loved her from my bottom of my heart. I think I was just needy and a beta.

Click to shrink...

You said she didn't want the relationship anymore, what happened? I don't believe it would have been because of you being "beta".

 

[kaospilot]

I dropped a pretty big bollock on the weekend, left a work night out with a girl from work who asked me to go elsewhere with her then back to hers. Nothing happened and it was all down to me and the few hangups that I still carry around with me. I just didn't reciprocate for fear of rejection, I mean if she's asked to whisk me away and is dancing, fluttering her eyes at me etc you would think it's a given but it wasn't enough for me to make that jump. I had started to sobered up by that point too, so there's that. She will think that I wasn't interested but I really think she's great.

Onward and upward anyway, I've decided that shit isn't going to define my love life anymore and I'm going to own it instead of the other way round. Gonna talk to her tomorrow.

 

[phonicjoy]

Era, I need help.

Some context first: im mid thirties, not socialy inept, and I can fee when there is mutual attraction.

Ive been going to this salon where a very cute girl cut my hair. We had incredible report and talked about all sorts of stuff, including our lovelife. Now she's single ( she's 25 btw) and me too, so I brought up how I didnt see her on tinder so she probably had her age range set below my age as a sort of joke. She said that I could just add her on instagram and after the appointment she asked for my phone and added herself. Now I havent dated anyone seriously in Some time, and Lets be honest Im not in the instagram prime demographic. So we chatted for a bit and I thought to myself, fuck it, Im going to ask her out. She didnt respond, but I was going to see her again that week for an appointment.

I went to the appointment, thinking I should make her feel as comfortable with rejecting me as possible. She comes up to me and says she's sorry she didnt respond yet because she really forgot.. I tell her no problem, its okay, I get it, never mind. But then she Goes on: the answer is yes. So thank god my radar isnt completely useless after all! I act a bit awkward because I wasnt expecting that, we have a perfectly fine conversation and at the end I tell her ill send her a message.

So I wait a day, because I dont want to come across as Some desperate old fuck, and send her a short message how she Made me kind of shy and when she would like to meet up. It only been 1,5 days but Im getting kind of anxious.

we are obviously at least interested in one another and Id love to go out with her. But I dont want to be too obtrusive. How does this shit work with younger women. Should I just ask again, wait, do Some sort of grand romantic gesture at her workplace... Im really getting to old for this shit, I feel like im 16 again.

 

[Ogodei]

Getting a decent volume of matches on Hinge but nothing sticky yet. It does seem to be feeding me women who are good matches looks-wise, and somewhat personality wise (a touch on the dry side).

Now that I'm moving my range into the upper 20s more, a lot of these people have little going on. Like, attractive enough and no red flags but potato personalities. On the other hand the ones that do have hooks have some really *awesome* ones. One of the ones in my feed was on Jeopardy!

Me not really liking dogs doesn't seem to help.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Should I just ask again, wait, do Some sort of grand romantic gesture at her workplace..

Click to shrink...

Don't do either of these things ESPECIALLY the second one. You've asked her out twice already and her lack of response when you haven't put her on the spot at work tells you here real level of interest.

In many cases I believe salons are paid by how many haircuts they give or they rent the chair and build up thier own set of regular clients. She's nice to you becuse it's her livelihood just like any other service worker.

 

[Blue Skies]

So, I signed up for tinder plus and started swiping in the city that I'm moving to later this year, and got hella matches, way more than I do where I'm at now, and i kinda hit it off with this one girl, we eventually moved off tinder and on to Instagram.

I've never done this before, it feels like we're doing the "get to know each other" part long distance and virtually, and honestly I'd prefer doing that in person... but we're not meeting until two months from now.

This is an Internet forum so I'm guessing many of you might have experience with online relationships, even ones that aren't really a relationship yet, my question is: how serious should I take our convos?
How often should we message?

Also, any tips for that first meet up?

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

So, I signed up for tinder plus and started swiping in the city that I'm moving to later this year, and got hella matches, way more than I do where I'm at now, and i kinda hit it off with this one girl, we eventually moved off tinder and on to Instagram.

I've never done this before, it feels like we're doing the "get to know each other" part long distance and virtually, and honestly I'd prefer doing that in person... but we're not meeting until two months from now.

This is an Internet forum so I'm guessing many of you might have experience with online relationships, even ones that aren't really a relationship yet, my question is: how serious should I take our convos?
How often should we message?

Also, any tips for that first meet up?

Click to shrink...

How long distance are we talking here? If your not moving there until later this year your chances of maintaining this relationship are not good, not even two months until the first meet up is good either. Not only that but there are women that use online dating just to get insta followers, so also be aware of that.

 

[Blue Skies]

How long distance are we talking here? If your not moving there until later this year your chances of maintaining this relationship are not good, not even two months until the first meet up is good either. Not only that but there are women that use online dating just to get insta followers, so also be aware of that.

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Hmm well no on the IG thing, she only has like 300 followers and hasn't posted anything new since I followed her

BERY long distance lol.
I'm in Hawaii, she's in Florida.

But home is back in Florida so I'll be a bit closer in less than a month, different city tho

 

[Sneijder]

You said she didn't want the relationship anymore, what happened? I don't believe it would have been because of you being "beta".

Click to shrink...

We were a great couple, after university I found a job and wanted to move out because I am 29 and it's time...
She feeled I was pushing her, and got afraid. And after we signed the contract for an apartment, one week later it was ice cold. This cold behavior went 3 months, and I did not see any chances, that it will be better and we broke up...

 

[Addie]

.

 

[phonicjoy]

Don't do either of these things ESPECIALLY the second one. You've asked her out twice already and her lack of response when you haven't put her on the spot at work tells you here real level of interest.

In many cases I believe salons are paid by how many haircuts they give or they rent the chair and build up thier own set of regular clients. She's nice to you becuse it's her livelihood just like any other service worker.

Click to shrink...

I was very very very very very very very clear she did not need to go out with me! I was superdrunk when I posted this 😅 so if that wasnt clear: asked her once, she said yes (very enthusiastically btw) but only when I saw her at her workplace. I didnt want to make it awkward there so didnt make arrangements then and there.

But yeah I should keep it at that message I guess, thanks.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

I was superdrunk when I posted this 😅

Click to shrink...

 

[Messofanego]

We were a great couple, after university I found a job and wanted to move out because I am 29 and it's time...
She feeled I was pushing her, and got afraid. And after we signed the contract for an apartment, one week later it was ice cold. This cold behavior went 3 months, and I did not see any chances, that it will be better and we broke up...

Click to shrink...

So yeah, it was not about you being needy or a "beta", it was about moving into a new place and she wasn't ready for it. Those 3 months of cold behaviour is all you need to remember when you're breaking up, so stick by your decision and don't go back.

 

[Deleted member 13550]

So i gave Tinder a shot because why not, meeting new people's pretty alright and i need to get out more anyway. But i live in a rather small city and around me are even more smaller places, not a lot of people on there unfortunately. When i increase how far to search i get danish people because i live kinda close to the border lol. No one seems to use bumble and other apps have the same problem as tinder.

Oh well at least i had the balls to sign up in the first place, never wouldve done that even a few months ago. Im gonna continue to read this thread from the shadows :P

 

[thesaint08]

Don't do either of these things ESPECIALLY the second one. You've asked her out twice already and her lack of response when you haven't put her on the spot at work tells you here real level of interest.

In many cases I believe salons are paid by how many haircuts they give or they rent the chair and build up thier own set of regular clients. She's nice to you becuse it's her livelihood just like any other service worker.

Click to shrink...

The second one "wait" is exactly what they should be doing.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Oh well at least i had the balls to sign up in the first place, never wouldve done that even a few months ago. Im gonna continue to read this thread from the shadows :P

Click to shrink...

Stick with it, other people where you live will be having the same problem. There's other ways to meet people outside of apps still, so don't just exclusively use apps.

 

[Scotch]

So i gave Tinder a shot because why not, meeting new people's pretty alright and i need to get out more anyway. But i live in a rather small city and around me are even more smaller places, not a lot of people on there unfortunately. When i increase how far to search i get danish people because i live kinda close to the border lol. No one seems to use bumble and other apps have the same problem as tinder.

Oh well at least i had the balls to sign up in the first place, never wouldve done that even a few months ago. Im gonna continue to read this thread from the shadows :P

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I assume you live in northern Germany? I'd increase the range till you hit Hamburg. It might be further than you're willing to travel, but you never know who you may find. And it'll give you a chance to practice messaging more people. Hell, try your luck with some Danish people, could be fun!

 

[Deleted member 13550]

Stick with it, other people where you live will be having the same problem. There's other ways to meet people outside of apps still, so don't just exclusively use apps.

Click to shrink...

Oh yea for sure. The apps are just a side thing until something comes up.

I assume you live in northern Germany? I'd increase the range till you hit Hamburg. It might be further than you're willing to travel, but you never know who you may find. And it'll give you a chance to practice messaging more people. Hell, try your luck with some Danish people, could be fun!

Click to shrink...

Yup, northern germany. You know, you might be right. I'll increase the range a bit, even if it's just for chatting.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I thank you from my deepest of my heart.

But our relationship wasn't toxic and I loved her from my bottom of my heart. I think I was just needy and a beta.

Click to shrink...

I wouldn't subscribe to terms like "beta." I think that will give you the wrong idea of why things ended and you don't need to put yourself down like that. Like if you had been more "alpha" (whatever that means, I think both terms are stupid) you'd still be together or something. From the looks of it, she just wasn't ready to make the step you wanted to make.

Also broke up tonight, so I guess I'll join the club. 15-month relationship too. Still processing.

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Sorry to hear that.

 

[Lulu]

Also broke up tonight, so I guess I'll join the club. 15-month relationship too. Still processing.

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Oh damn, sorry bruh

 

[chezzymann]

Update: Still dating the same girl, its been 7 weeks now. Things have gotten smoother and shes not clingy or obsessed with me anymore. Had to put my foot down for a bit and establish some boundaries for that to happen though. Got a nice balance of hanging out with my friends and family and dating her. We've gotten to the point where we're just chilling on my couch watching Naruto now which is basically all I ever wanted. Going out all the time and doing stuff can get exhausting (and expensive) for me.

But then she used the L word and now I'm kinda caught off guard. I said it back but I didn't fully mean it yet. Didn't know how else to respond. I feel like I wont be ready to mean something like that until like, a year of dating. I like her but saying stuff like that, to me, is when I'm super serious and want to live with her or something. I asked her why she was so into me, and she said that she thinks God sent me to her. Kinda weirded out again now.

 

[Deleted member 9330]

Update: Still dating the same girl, its been 7 weeks now. Things have gotten smoother and shes not clingy or obsessed with me anymore.

But then she used the L word and now I'm kinda caught off guard. I said it back but I didn't fully mean it yet. Didn't know how else to respond. I feel like I wont be ready to mean something like that until like, a year of dating. I like her but saying stuff like that, to me, is when I'm super serious and want to live with her or something. I asked her why she was so into me, and she said that she thinks God sent me to her. Kinda weirded out again now.

Click to shrink...

🤔🤔🤔

 

[Deleted member 33533]

But then she used the L word and now I'm kinda caught off guard. I said it back but I didn't fully mean it yet. Didn't know how else to respond. I feel like I wont be ready to mean something like that until like, a year of dating. I like her but saying stuff like that, to me, is when I'm super serious and want to live with her or something. I asked her why she was so into me, and she said that she thinks God sent me to her. Kinda weirded out again now.

Click to shrink...

Ah I've been there before. An ex dropped "I love you" about 4 or 5 weeks into the relationship and caught me way off guard. I didn't say it back because I've made the mistake of saying it when I really didn't mean it before. Instead I just told her honestly that I really liked her and loved spending time with her but it was too early for me to say I loved her and I didn't want to say it unless I meant it. She took it in a bad way but I wasn't gonna just say it because she did and I think I was better off telling her the truth in the end. I think it's unfair to be dishonest with that word because it sets expectations for the other person.

It sounds like this girl really has issues with being overeager and clingy about the relationship. You're going to have to constantly manage her pace in all of this, like she's stepping on the gas and you're trying to get her to let up on it and make even pump the breaks a bit. The God's gift thing... I'm not even gonna comment on that. Your stories with this girl just get wilder and wilder.

 

[radioactivez0r]

I've heard they are and believe it. This is basically my first.

I don't know what's going on. I don't think I said anything wrong, or even really had the chance to. I've been nothing but kind and supportive. Maybe she's just dealing with something and needs space for a day or two. I texted her tonight because she gets upset if I don't.

Click to shrink...

However, it just didn't seem like a good situation. She's almost a decade younger, has a kid (and I'm not ready or really interested in such responsibilities, or a kid person), and is very dependent and clingy.

We're just friends and she's obsessed with me.

Even when we had a falling out and she made me mad by saying certain things, then her friend sent juvenile texts from her phone, I just stopped talking to her and blocked her. I didn't call her anything or retaliate.

I'm not that attracted to her, but like her as a friend, so I'm trying to be a good friend.

Click to shrink...

So, I usually take issue with people online who say what I am about to say, but I think it's somewhat warranted here. Have some respect for yourself. You seem awfully concerned about upsetting people or treating them nicely despite them being shitty to you. And here's the thing - they aren't going to think, "Wow he's so nice even when I'm awful, I should work on myself." They're going to keep treating you poorly because you've demonstrated that you'll accept it and come back. Your friend did enough to make you stop talking to her, but for some reason you want to "be a good friend"? Your GF doesn't make any time for your relationship, and you're wondering what you did? Specifically the bolded part about texting to avoid upsetting her - come on man. You're bending over backward and getting jack all back.

Addie - I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending. You're a good cat who has been very helpful to people in these threads over the years.

 

[Astral]

So what's the best dating app out there now? I have a friend using Hinge. I hear okc sucks now.

 

[shnurgleton]

So what's the best dating app out there now? I have a friend using Hinge. I hear okc sucks now.

Click to shrink...

Hinge/Bumble seem to be the big ones now, ymmv based on where you're located. I will always be plugging for Coffee Meets Bagel because that's how I met my lady tho

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+100

 

[Deleted member 9330]

Have some respect for yourself.

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[Lulu]

Petition to have this made up and looking pretty and set as the thread image

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Yes

 

[Sorithin]

Ah I've been there before. An ex dropped "I love you" about 4 or 5 weeks into the relationship and caught me way off guard. I didn't say it back because I've made the mistake of saying it when I really didn't mean it before. Instead I just told her honestly that I really liked her and loved spending time with her but it was too early for me to say I loved her and I didn't want to say it unless I meant it. She took it in a bad way but I wasn't gonna just say it because she did and I think I was better off telling her the truth in the end. I think it's unfair to be dishonest with that word because it sets expectations for the other person.

Click to shrink...

I know people that have waited a year to say I love you, and others just a month. I don't think someone should take it negatively if their SO doesn't say it back when they say it for the first time. Happened to me.. I dropped the I love you about 2 months in and was totally fine with him not feeling the same way yet, which he appreciated.

But it ultimately ruined the relationship a month later because he said he didn't see him ever developing those feelings lol. So there's that.

 

[myojinsoga]

Has anyone ever successfully turned FWB into something more serious?

We were friends before the benefits, so it's not like sex is all we have in common. We've been doing this nearly 18 months now and I can't avoid that I'm developing the feels!

Also ... If it's cool I think I'll try hanging out ITT a bit, as I used to really struggle with dating and feel I've got worthwhile perspective to share. Not that I'm any kind of dating hotshot now, of course, but I'm well familiar with issues around confidence, rejection etc, and am pretty much done with most of them.

 

[kaospilot]

Turns out I had just been lead on lol, kinda lame but whatever, I'm not too salty about it.

 

[Deleted member 33533]

I know people that have waited a year to say I love you, and others just a month. I don't think someone should take it negatively if their SO doesn't say it back when they say it for the first time. Happened to me.. I dropped the I love you about 2 months in and was totally fine with him not feeling the same way yet, which he appreciated.

But it ultimately ruined the relationship a month later because he said he didn't see him ever developing those feelings lol. So there's that.

Click to shrink...

It was opposite with the relationship I mentioned. Me not reciprocating the "I love you" made her doubt everything and wonder if the relationship was worth it if I didn't love her (yet - cause I never said never), which caused a downward spiral in the relationship amongst other reasons. It was shitty that she had to take it that way but like I said the relationship had other problems so yeah. I think in the end I did a lot of things that showed "love" but I didn't say it and that was significant to her and she couldn't accept that I wasn't at that level yet.

I do understand that it doesn't always feel great to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable to someone by telling them you love them only to have them not feel the same way but I think it's a good thing overall because you know if that person does say it eventually, they definitely mean it and they respected you enough not to say it just to spare your feelings. Even if they never say it and things end, at least they were honest with you.

 

[uhnomoli]

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Agreed.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

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Salamando get on it dude.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

So, I usually take issue with people online who say what I am about to say, but I think it's somewhat warranted here. Have some respect for yourself. You seem awfully concerned about upsetting people or treating them nicely despite them being shitty to you. And here's the thing - they aren't going to think, "Wow he's so nice even when I'm awful, I should work on myself." They're going to keep treating you poorly because you've demonstrated that you'll accept it and come back. Your friend did enough to make you stop talking to her, but for some reason you want to "be a good friend"? Your GF doesn't make any time for your relationship, and you're wondering what you did? Specifically the bolded part about texting to avoid upsetting her - come on man. You're bending over backward and getting jack all back.

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I'm this case you are 100% correctly assessing the situation.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

Has anyone ever successfully turned FWB into something more serious?

We were friends before the benefits, so it's not like sex is all we have in common. We've been doing this nearly 18 months now and I can't avoid that I'm developing the feels!

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Catching feels byone person n a FWB situation normally leads to the end of that arrangement. With that in mind, tell her how you feel, if she's not feeling it then end it and look for someone else.

 

[Deleted member 9330]

Omg Salamando I love you

 

[tellNoel]

it's weird dating a girl who barely texts' you.. like at all.
but when you do see each other it's like picking up right where you left off. it's just difficult to schedule because we're both so busy.

idk, i guess i like that we don't text often because shit gets dry eventually, but it almost feels like that person is disinterested in you if you don't know any better.

 

[Quantum Leap]

 

[Deleted member 9330]

Holy shit that video is next level

 

[Zen]

Also broke up tonight, so I guess I'll join the club. 15-month relationship too. Still processing.

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Mind if I join too? Was told last Thursday that she thinks about all my shortcomings every other day and that she only wanted to get back together 8 months ago because she was depressed at the time and is afraid of being alone.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

she only wanted to get back together 8 months ago because she was depressed at the time and is afraid of being alone.

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This is all too comon, dont let her try to use you as an emotional comfort blanket again.

 

[Vern]

it's weird dating a girl who barely texts' you.. like at all.
but when you do see each other it's like picking up right where you left off. it's just difficult to schedule because we're both so busy.

idk, i guess i like that we don't text often because shit gets dry eventually, but it almost feels like that person is disinterested in you if you don't know any better.

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Count your lucky stars. Love it when I find a girl that doesn't message me all the time.

 

[Astral]

Mind if I join too? Was told last Thursday that she thinks about all my shortcomings every other day and that she only wanted to get back together 8 months ago because she was depressed at the time and is afraid of being alone.

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Add a third. It happened on Thursday. Except it was all my fault and I'll regret it and hate myself for the rest of my life. She loved me so much and I hurt her and I can never take it back. It feels awful. I miss her like hell tonight.