• It's the most wonderful time of the year! Make your list and check it twice. The ResetEra Games of the Year 2019 Voting Thread is now live. Voting will be open for the next 7 days, 16 hours, 37 minutes, 24 seconds, and will close on Jan 26, 2020 at 9:00 AM.

DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Nov 17, 2017
8,407
Not to be a downer, but it's a little sobering recognizing last night that I'm heading into another decade single again. On the bright side, I feel a lot more confident about my dating prospects going into 2020 than I did going into 2010.

So cheers everyone and wishing you all the best of luck in the new year.



esseesse I'm with jdstorm on this one. Definitely see how the next few months play out before bailing. You've at least done the healthy thing and communicated your needs to her at this point. If there's still an enthusiasm gap in a few months I think it's time to have another talk and figure out if she sees a future with you or not. Because I'd say at that point if she's not on your level she's not going to get there and it'd be better for both of you to try and find other people who are as enthusiastic to be with each of you.
Honestly, why put any significance into the decade? It’s just a year, a number. I think it’s best to avoid milestone expectations like that. The things (good and bad) that happen in our lives rarely occur so neatly in 10 year pockets of time.

Also quoting the second part as I agree with you completely in regards to esseesse. I think in my last relationship, I was always the one ahead in enthusiasm, love, commitment, etc. and my ex was just lagging behind. I didn’t think it was a big issue, to be the one that loves more, but eventually it came to a head and ended the relationship. esseesse , definitely give her time to develop her feelings and open up more but no more than a few months. That said, if you have to convince someone to love you as you love them, you’ve already lost. At some point, if they haven’t figured it out yet, they never will and when the love is lopsided, you’ll end up pouring all of yourself into them and draining yourself by the time it’s over. So make sure you aren’t allowing yourself to suffer for the hope she’ll change.
 

shoptroll

Member
May 29, 2018
1,067
Honestly, why put any significance into the decade? It’s just a year, a number. I think it’s best to avoid milestone expectations like that. The things (good and bad) that happen in our lives rarely occur so neatly in 10 year pockets of time.
Good point. I think I'm just brooding and being introspective because it's the end of the year and I never expected how much of a weird and wild ride this year was going to be.
 
Oct 26, 2017
5,686
If a guy I was on a date with told me men and women should live seperate I would have ended the date right then and there. That is crazy to me, as a women I would never even think to suggest that or think that would be a good idea.
Thank you, it's nice to have confirmation from other women that I was not going insane during that encounter.

A colleague of mine who is a fierce feminist and gender psychologist thought her behavior was nuts too.
 
Oct 30, 2017
6,167
Spending new year's eve at her place. Gonna order some food, cuddle and watch Netflix. A+

Had a fantastic time yesterday. Snuggled some more, ordered too much junk food and watched tv. She had told me that she could sing earlier, so this seemed like a given thing, but I still had to ask her "do you like musical?" upon which she looked at me and said "I love musicals". Then we watched Les Mis.

(forgot how long that movie is tho)

Woke up today, heated up the leftover pizza from yesterday and watched tv for six hours. She's coming over on tuesday to my place for the first time. Can't fucking wait.
 

esseesse

Member
Oct 27, 2017
452
Sounds to me like what you want to do is wait it out a bit more and see what happens. That's cool, just see what transpires and go from there.

In regards to what I bolded specifically, even in the most perfect relationship ever there is always the chance things can go wrong. Something can happen that changes things. You can't live in a perpetual state of fear that things may go wrong. Yes, it's a reality things may go wrong, that just has to be accepted because that's life in general. Things go well, things go poorly, you have unexpected blessings, you have unexpected pitfalls.

What you describe is an insecurity that really isn't relationship related. You simply have to yield that you don't have control over the future. Just enjoy what you have now man. Tomorrow isn't promised.
I know I need to learn and improve a lot in this regard. I always believed that you cannot make someone fall in love with you and to be honest I never actually forced anything on her. All I did to her was because I love her. I knew the relationship was unbalanced because I started feeling that I did all the work most of times and it starts to take a toll on you after a while. Sooner or later it was going to blow up and honestly I'm glad I did. The previous situation was purely unsustainable.


esseesse I'm with jdstorm on this one. Definitely see how the next few months play out before bailing. You've at least done the healthy thing and communicated your needs to her at this point. If there's still an enthusiasm gap in a few months I think it's time to have another talk and figure out if she sees a future with you or not. Because I'd say at that point if she's not on your level she's not going to get there and it'd be better for both of you to try and find other people who are as enthusiastic to be with each of you.
I'm definitely going to stick around and be myself.
Honestly it hurts quite a lot to know that someone doesn't feel as excited for you as you do for her. It's something that will be stuck on my mind for weeks.
I don't see how things are going to change but she has told me that in the early stages of us dating she felt she likes me more than I did her.
We both have to improve but for to actually believe things can change I need to start seeing different attitudes otherwise I'll probably get more hurt than I already am.


Honestly, why put any significance into the decade? It’s just a year, a number. I think it’s best to avoid milestone expectations like that. The things (good and bad) that happen in our lives rarely occur so neatly in 10 year pockets of time.

Also quoting the second part as I agree with you completely in regards to esseesse. I think in my last relationship, I was always the one ahead in enthusiasm, love, commitment, etc. and my ex was just lagging behind. I didn’t think it was a big issue, to be the one that loves more, but eventually it came to a head and ended the relationship. esseesse , definitely give her time to develop her feelings and open up more but no more than a few months. That said, if you have to convince someone to love you as you love them, you’ve already lost. At some point, if they haven’t figured it out yet, they never will and when the love is lopsided, you’ll end up pouring all of yourself into them and draining yourself by the time it’s over. So make sure you aren’t allowing yourself to suffer for the hope she’ll change.
I'll wait out a few months.
Honestly I never had to convince her. It was more of a confirmation that anything. She knows I love her and she says that she cannot match it what I feel for her. Yet. Her words. She said she is willing to try and change and bring the relationship on a good track because she says that we have a lot of things and it's worth it.
 

phonicjoy

Member
Jun 19, 2018
2,364
So, me and poly/not poly woman have seen each other 5 times in a week and a half.
We’ve been talking about everything, she’s so smart.
We haven’t even slept together yet, she said that hasn’t happened to her since she was 15, she seemed to appreciate that. She’s like the more sociable version of me. We discussed everything and what our boundaries are. I want to explore this. If anything it will be an amazing ride, I’ve already learned so much about myself.

this is a relationship I can be totally honest in, we shared future plans, sexuality, and spend New Year’s Eve together just playing And talking, and the next day as well. This is going to be a wild ride..
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,694
I know I need to learn and improve a lot in this regard. I always believed that you cannot make someone fall in love with you and to be honest I never actually forced anything on her. All I did to her was because I love her. I knew the relationship was unbalanced because I started feeling that I did all the work most of times and it starts to take a toll on you after a while. Sooner or later it was going to blow up and honestly I'm glad I did. The previous situation was purely unsustainable.




I'm definitely going to stick around and be myself.
Honestly it hurts quite a lot to know that someone doesn't feel as excited for you as you do for her. It's something that will be stuck on my mind for weeks.
I don't see how things are going to change but she has told me that in the early stages of us dating she felt she likes me more than I did her.
We both have to improve but for to actually believe things can change I need to start seeing different attitudes otherwise I'll probably get more hurt than I already am.




I'll wait out a few months.
Honestly I never had to convince her. It was more of a confirmation that anything. She knows I love her and she says that she cannot match it what I feel for her. Yet. Her words. She said she is willing to try and change and bring the relationship on a good track because she says that we have a lot of things and it's worth it.
Her use of the word Yet is the key factor here. People go into relationships with all sorts of preconceived ideas and history. Some people are fast to love, others slow.

In a past relationship I told a girl I loved her and her initial response was, “wait what” she said I don’t and I don’t love you in that same sentence. Specifics are hazy. A month later she said it. It just took her more time. People go at their own pace.

She’s really into you, she just expresses herself differently to you and part of the fun is learning how to communicate with someone
 

Vakarian

Member
Mar 12, 2018
27
What's your opinions on CMB (coffee meet bagel)? I've been on it since 5 days, you can see you need to pay to beat the waiting game. Not sure if i should...

Got 4 matches and a phone number, the profiles are way way better compared to tinder or bumble. People are way more down to earth and from the 4 matches had 2 engaging conversations.

People are super slow to respond thought, huge difference again vs tinder/bumble where i feel people are just there for validation and if you don't shoot your best one liners you are dead.
 

esseesse

Member
Oct 27, 2017
452
Her use of the word Yet is the key factor here. People go into relationships with all sorts of preconceived ideas and history. Some people are fast to love, others slow.

In a past relationship I told a girl I loved her and her initial response was, “wait what” she said I don’t and I don’t love you in that same sentence. Specifics are hazy. A month later she said it. It just took her more time. People go at their own pace.

She’s really into you, she just expresses herself differently to you and part of the fun is learning how to communicate with someone
She did say yet and she feels the relationship will evolve up to that point.
The key factor here, I think, is that we both have different pace and that perhaps, some things that for me would be considered fine and ready to happen now (not sex I'm talking here), she feels that it should be done at a later point in the relationship. Which is fine.

My inherent problem is what she feels for me. I don't believe that can be changed. It just happens. Which is why it has been causing me so many issues.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,694
She did say yet and she feels the relationship will evolve up to that point.
The key factor here, I think, is that we both have different pace and that perhaps, some things that for me would be considered fine and ready to happen now (not sex I'm talking here), she feels that it should be done at a later point in the relationship. Which is fine.

My inherent problem is what she feels for me. I don't believe that can be changed. It just happens. Which is why it has been causing me so many issues.
If you aren’t talking sex what are you talking about? Labels? Meeting friends and family? Moving in together?

The core of a good relationship is communicating. I’m not sure why you are hurt. It seems like you have some flawed expectations of what things should be like. You’re going to need to get past that. Being part of a healthy relationship is about meeting each other’s needs and to do that you need to see her for who she is and not for what you want her to be.

As for her feelings... stop being a dummy. She likes you a lot. She has feelings for you. They don’t need to be changed they just need time to grow. You can nurture those feelings by being the kind of thoughtful caring supportive person who would be good to be in a relationship with.
 

Zen

Member
Nov 1, 2017
4,383
While a gender segregated utopia is interesting to entertain, it's absurd as an actual goal since people are naturally attracted to each other and most people fall in the spectrum of being attracted to the opposite sex.
 

N.Domixis

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
7,404
So I was messing around with some dating apps After losing some weight, I decided to see what people thought of my new look. I matched up with this really hot girl. I was in shock. I began to talk to her and then I began to panic as she start getting serious. Had to make up an excuse and turned her down. Deep down I know marriage and kids aren’t worth it. I just can’t do it.

I couldn’t continue faking that I wanted a relationship and just let her go. Feels so weird. Also it doesn’t help that I’ve never had a girlfriend.
 
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Doober

The Fallen
Jun 10, 2018
3,608
So is Hinge dead for anyone else or what? Been at it for several weeks now and I've gotten... two likes. I got more when I was 60 lbs. heavier and not putting half the effort into taking decent pics.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
If you aren’t talking sex what are you talking about? Labels? Meeting friends and family? Moving in together?

The core of a good relationship is communicating. I’m not sure why you are hurt. It seems like you have some flawed expectations of what things should be like. You’re going to need to get past that. Being part of a healthy relationship is about meeting each other’s needs and to do that you need to see her for who she is and not for what you want her to be.

As for her feelings... stop being a dummy. She likes you a lot. She has feelings for you. They don’t need to be changed they just need time to grow. You can nurture those feelings by being the kind of thoughtful caring supportive person who would be good to be in a relationship with.
At a certain point, you can’t expect someone’s feelings for you to grow into something more. Sometimes when it’s not there, it’s not there. That poster has already decided to stick it out for a few months to see where it goes anyway. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter how kind or supportive of a partner you are. If your partner doesn’t have those feelings for you, you aren’t going to be able to “nurture” them to your liking. It’s on them, you can only hope they feel the same way about you as you do them and when that doesn’t happen, move on.
 

Rephil

Member
Nov 16, 2017
32
What's your opinions on CMB (coffee meet bagel)?
I like CMB a lot! The fact that you only get a few people to see each day keeps it low key. And it's fun to check when you get new people in your queue. I also tend to have good conversations with anyone I match with on there. It's definitely slow, like you said. So I like using it alongside other apps.

So I was messing around with some dating apps After losing some weight, I decided to see what people thought of my new look. I matched up with this really hot girl. I was in shock. I began to talk to her and then I began to panic as she start getting serious. Had to make up an excuse and turned her down. Deep down I know marriage and kids aren’t worth it. I just can’t do it.

I couldn’t continue faking that I wanted a relationship and just let her go. Feels so weird. Also it doesn’t help that I’ve never had a girlfriend.
You might be thinking too far ahead here, and freaking yourself out. Maybe try going on a date before jumping the gun? You must be somewhat curious about dating if you're on the apps. Just go out and have fun, and worry about the potential of long term relationship stuff later. The experience would probably do you good, and help you figure out if dating is for you or not.

A few dates does not equal marriage/kids.

So is Hinge dead for anyone else or what? Been at it for several weeks now and I've gotten... two likes. I got more when I was 60 lbs. heavier and not putting half the effort into taking decent pics.
It's pretty active for me, and I live in a smaller city. I get a couple likes most days. Might just be a slow period on your end?
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,694
At a certain point, you can’t expect someone’s feelings for you to grow into something more. Sometimes when it’s not there, it’s not there. That poster has already decided to stick it out for a few months to see where it goes anyway. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter how kind or supportive of a partner you are. If your partner doesn’t have those feelings for you, you aren’t going to be able to “nurture” them to your liking. It’s on them, you can only hope they feel the same way about you as you do them and when that doesn’t happen, move on.
I’m not saying that you can make someone who doesn’t love you feel that way.

I’m just saying relationships (of which that poster is definitely in one) are fragile at the start and that healthy relationships require work.

My definition of loving someone involves wanting to see them happy and successful (not controlling people to give you what you want at their expense) so with that in mind being encouraging of them and trying to build a healthy relationship is valid advice

Just sticking it out, without putting in actual effort to build something is just a waste of time in my opinion.
 

N.Domixis

Banned
Oct 28, 2017
7,404
I like CMB a lot! The fact that you only get a few people to see each day keeps it low key. And it's fun to check when you get new people in your queue. I also tend to have good conversations with anyone I match with on there. It's definitely slow, like you said. So I like using it alongside other apps.



You might be thinking too far ahead here, and freaking yourself out. Maybe try going on a date before jumping the gun? You must be somewhat curious about dating if you're on the apps. Just go out and have fun, and worry about the potential of long term relationship stuff later. The experience would probably do you good, and help you figure out if dating is for you or not.

A few dates does not equal marriage/kids.



It's pretty active for me, and I live in a smaller city. I get a couple likes most days. Might just be a slow period on your end?
I’ve always been curious, but I just can’t do it. If a girl asked me out, I’d say no even if I wanted to.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
My definition of loving someone involves wanting to see them happy and successful (not controlling people to give you what you want at their expense) so with that in mind being encouraging of them and trying to build a healthy relationship is valid advice

Just sticking it out, without putting in actual effort to build something is just a waste of time in my opinion.
To be honest, I think your definition of loving someone is too broad. I want my friends to be happy and successful. That's not enough for a long term romantic relationship, which is why they're my friends. To me, trying to encourage a partner who doesn't love you to build those feelings into eventual love is not really any different than trying to convince them to love you enough. And if you have to convince them...

By "sticking it out", I don't mean to not put in any effort. But really, let's examine that. You say put effort and work in. You say to be "the kind of thoughtful caring supportive person who would be good to be in a relationship with." To me, it kind of seems that esseesse has been that person for 6 months already, otherwise there would not be this imbalance. It's not as if his girlfriend said he was doing anything wrong or lacking anywhere. It was her feelings that were lacking in comparison to his. So then why is it on him to put more of himself into this relationship than he already is? Shouldn't it be on her to nurture her own feelings instead of having him hustle double - triple time in the relationship to hopefully convince her to love him?

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how thoughtful or kind or supportive you are to someone - it doesn't mean they will love you back. Now of course, beginning of a relationship; there's definitely time and space is needed to let feelings grow. It's not the end if one person falls in love before the other, which is why sticking it out for awhile is a good idea. And by sticking it out, I'm saying continuing to be the person esseesse is and simply loving her as he already does. Because if she can't love that, she can't love him. Thankfully, the two have talked it out so there is clear care and communication there between the two of them. Ultimately, I think it's up to esseesse to decide how long they are willing to wait and then have that talk when the time comes.


I’ve always been curious, but I just can’t do it. If a girl asked me out, I’d say no even if I wanted to.
What would happen if you said yes?
 

blitzblake

Member
Jan 4, 2018
1,824
You can have long term relationships that don't result in kids or marriage. It's not that rare anymore.
You don't have to propose on the first date, dude.
lmao you don't have to do either. Sure, it might be really hard to find an ideal partner for yourself but that's just part of life.
If I’m read the op right, it seems the match started talking about marriage and children and that freaked op out.

You did the right thing op if you know you don’t want it but they do, no point faking it. It’ll just lead to heartache down the road.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
Setting up a second date with a girl. The place we’re going is in my neighborhood and it’s roughly 45 minutes for her to get there on public transit.

Would it be creepy to offer her a ride? I always feel bad for making people come a long way so I like to offer in these kinds of cases but I’m not sure if it will come off poorly this early.
 

Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,528
Super pretty girl. Super smart. Loves LotR. Texting like crazy. Going for drinks on Tuesday.

Tell me to be cool guys. I’m really excited.

Setting up a second date with a girl. The place we’re going is in my neighborhood and it’s roughly 45 minutes for her to get there on public transit.

Would it be creepy to offer her a ride? I always feel bad for making people come a long way so I like to offer in these kinds of cases but I’m not sure if it will come off poorly this early.
I would always offer, just be prepared for her to politely decline. It’s a second date, so she at least has a pretty basic read on whether you’re a psycho or not.

I’ve both picked up and dropped off on second dates before.
 
Oct 28, 2017
30
I don't know what the term should be bf/gf, exclusive, official etc.

So I have known this girl for over 6 months now. We met online, texted for about 3 months and have been seeing her for 3 months once a week. Am not the best at picking up hints but she has said stuff like that she likes me and doesnt want or need to be with anyone else (this was said about a month after we met. Round about date 4 we both casually said that we were not seeing anyone else. We have loads of fun when we are together and I've not come across any deal breakers with her which is nice. I want to have "the talk" with her this weekend. Do you think our relationship is still too early for this conversation? Looking back at our 4000 messages it seems she has dropped some hints in recent weeks even back as far back as the 1st month but these at the time went over my head. Do you think its too early still for me to make our relationship official? Any advice would be welcome.
edit: she has said previously that she is old fashioned, so I guess it's on me to bring up the talk.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
I would always offer, just be prepared for her to politely decline. It’s a second date, so she at least has a pretty basic read on whether you’re a psycho or not.

I’ve both picked up and dropped off on second dates before.
Yeah I really have no issue with her declining. Hell, it’d be easier for me. I’m just always worried about saying or doing something that will come off the wrong way and put her off.

I don't know what the term should be bf/gf, exclusive, official etc.

So I have known this girl for over 6 months now. We met online, texted for about 3 months and have been seeing her for 3 months once a week. Am not the best at picking up hints but she has said stuff like that she likes me and doesnt want or need to be with anyone else (this was said about a month after we met. Round about date 4 we both casually said that we were not seeing anyone else. We have loads of fun when we are together and I've not come across any deal breakers with her which is nice. I want to have "the talk" with her this weekend. Do you think our relationship is still too early for this conversation? Looking back at our 4000 messages it seems she has dropped some hints in recent weeks even back as far back as the 1st month but these at the time went over my head. Do you think its too early still for me to make our relationship official? Any advice would be welcome.
edit: she has said previously that she is old fashioned, so I guess it's on me to bring up the talk.
No, I don’t think it’s too early to want to define the relationship. Go ahead and have that talk.
 
Oct 28, 2017
30
Yeah I really have no issue with her declining. Hell, it’d be easier for me. I’m just always worried about saying or doing something that will come off the wrong way and put her off.


No, I don’t think it’s too early to want to define the relationship. Go ahead and have that talk.
Thanks. I needed to hear that. I've always been under the assumption you should wait for the girl to bring up the talk. But I think I might have glossed over too many hints and the fact she is old fashioned. I feel like if I wait any longer and don't have the talk she'll lose interest.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
Thanks. I needed to hear that. I've always been under the assumption you should wait for the girl to bring up the talk. But I think I might have glossed over too many hints and the fact she is old fashioned. I feel like if I wait any longer and don't have the talk she'll lose interest.
Yeah, it sounds to me like you want a relationship with her. The best thing to do is let her know that. Sometimes waiting is the strategy but in this case, you definitely should go for it.
 

Gotdatmoney

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,603
Setting up a second date with a girl. The place we’re going is in my neighborhood and it’s roughly 45 minutes for her to get there on public transit.

Would it be creepy to offer her a ride? I always feel bad for making people come a long way so I like to offer in these kinds of cases but I’m not sure if it will come off poorly this early.
I wouldn't. If you both already agreed on meeting at this place then she has a plan on how to get to and from. I'd just assume she is good and comfortable doing it and leave it at that. You also then have to sit in a car for 45 mins and have weird talk. That's just me though.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
I wouldn't. If you both already agreed on meeting at this place then she has a plan on how to get to and from. I'd just assume she is good and comfortable doing it and leave it at that. You also then have to sit in a car for 45 mins and have weird talk. That's just me though.
Well it’s more like 15 minutes if I picked her up. 45 is roughly what public transit would take - I know cause our first date was in her area and I took public transit.
 
Oct 30, 2017
6,167
I don't know what the term should be bf/gf, exclusive, official etc.

So I have known this girl for over 6 months now. We met online, texted for about 3 months and have been seeing her for 3 months once a week. Am not the best at picking up hints but she has said stuff like that she likes me and doesnt want or need to be with anyone else (this was said about a month after we met. Round about date 4 we both casually said that we were not seeing anyone else. We have loads of fun when we are together and I've not come across any deal breakers with her which is nice. I want to have "the talk" with her this weekend. Do you think our relationship is still too early for this conversation? Looking back at our 4000 messages it seems she has dropped some hints in recent weeks even back as far back as the 1st month but these at the time went over my head. Do you think its too early still for me to make our relationship official? Any advice would be welcome.
edit: she has said previously that she is old fashioned, so I guess it's on me to bring up the talk.
Early? I'm a amazed this hasn't evolved into that naturally in six months. How intimate have you two been exactly?

Setting up a second date with a girl. The place we’re going is in my neighborhood and it’s roughly 45 minutes for her to get there on public transit.

Would it be creepy to offer her a ride? I always feel bad for making people come a long way so I like to offer in these kinds of cases but I’m not sure if it will come off poorly this early.
Just ask her "want me to pick you up?" and then offer to drive her home if it went well. Don't overthink it.

Super pretty girl. Super smart. Loves LotR. Texting like crazy. Going for drinks on Tuesday.

Tell me to be cool guys. I’m really excited.
I just found a fantasy freak myself. Good luck!
 

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,080
Got a date lined up Saturday that I'm pretty jazzed about. We have pretty much identical interests and favs (gaming, Parks and Rec, cooking, sports, music tastes) and we've known each other for a couple months now.

Only thing I'm a lil worried about is she's fairly religious and she doesn't really swear. Neither of those bother me but I swear a lot (I subconsciously filter myself a bit around he and I prob shouldn't, though she knows I do it haha) and I'm not really religious, which might turn her off.

We also haven't talked politics much — her FB says she's conservative (I'm a bleeding heart liberal) but she doesn't seem to like Trump and she laughs at pretty much every politically-slanted joke I make. I know it's a relatively small thing to be hung up about, but that stuff matters to me.
 

esseesse

Member
Oct 27, 2017
452
Sorry for the delay, I am drowning in exams.

If you aren’t talking sex what are you talking about? Labels? Meeting friends and family? Moving in together?

The core of a good relationship is communicating. I’m not sure why you are hurt. It seems like you have some flawed expectations of what things should be like. You’re going to need to get past that. Being part of a healthy relationship is about meeting each other’s needs and to do that you need to see her for who she is and not for what you want her to be.

As for her feelings... stop being a dummy. She likes you a lot. She has feelings for you. They don’t need to be changed they just need time to grow. You can nurture those feelings by being the kind of thoughtful caring supportive person who would be good to be in a relationship with.
None of that really. Just overall effort. The most striking aspect was when we were without seeing each other for three weeks. It is already hard to talk with her through texting and the fact that there was zero effort from her to actually see me bothers me a lot. I am not a pushy person, I tried to be with her but I do no insist on things. Also, whenever I talked about the future and, mind you, not marriage or kids kind of stuff, a simple weekend travelling somewhere, she always seemed very hesitant to me (and she was).

Being part of a healthy relationship, for me, is that both have the desire to be with each other and to be with each other. Quite simple really.


At a certain point, you can’t expect someone’s feelings for you to grow into something more. Sometimes when it’s not there, it’s not there. That poster has already decided to stick it out for a few months to see where it goes anyway. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter how kind or supportive of a partner you are. If your partner doesn’t have those feelings for you, you aren’t going to be able to “nurture” them to your liking. It’s on them, you can only hope they feel the same way about you as you do them and when that doesn’t happen, move on.
This is EXACTLY what I am talking about. It doesn't matter what I do or want to be.
Reason alone for me to being wary, especially if she is creating false expectations on me.

I’m not saying that you can make someone who doesn’t love you feel that way.

I’m just saying relationships (of which that poster is definitely in one) are fragile at the start and that healthy relationships require work.

My definition of loving someone involves wanting to see them happy and successful (not controlling people to give you what you want at their expense) so with that in mind being encouraging of them and trying to build a healthy relationship is valid advice

Just sticking it out, without putting in actual effort to build something is just a waste of time in my opinion.
I am putting the effort. She on the other hand... at least I'm not feeling it. That is one of the things I am trying to find out.
She's either like this or she doesn't like me enough (or not anymore) for something to actually be built.

To be honest, I think your definition of loving someone is too broad. I want my friends to be happy and successful. That's not enough for a long term romantic relationship, which is why they're my friends. To me, trying to encourage a partner who doesn't love you to build those feelings into eventual love is not really any different than trying to convince them to love you enough. And if you have to convince them...

By "sticking it out", I don't mean to not put in any effort. But really, let's examine that. You say put effort and work in. You say to be "the kind of thoughtful caring supportive person who would be good to be in a relationship with." To me, it kind of seems that esseesse has been that person for 6 months already, otherwise there would not be this imbalance. It's not as if his girlfriend said he was doing anything wrong or lacking anywhere. It was her feelings that were lacking in comparison to his. So then why is it on him to put more of himself into this relationship than he already is? Shouldn't it be on her to nurture her own feelings instead of having him hustle double - triple time in the relationship to hopefully convince her to love him?

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how thoughtful or kind or supportive you are to someone - it doesn't mean they will love you back. Now of course, beginning of a relationship; there's definitely time and space is needed to let feelings grow. It's not the end if one person falls in love before the other, which is why sticking it out for awhile is a good idea. And by sticking it out, I'm saying continuing to be the person esseesse is and simply loving her as he already does. Because if she can't love that, she can't love him. Thankfully, the two have talked it out so there is clear care and communication there between the two of them. Ultimately, I think it's up to esseesse to decide how long they are willing to wait and then have that talk when the time comes.

What would happen if you said yes?
I am willing to wait until I feel it doesn't make sense anymore.

I feel bad calling you out, but can you explain this in a way that jives with the current context? If it has been so amazing, why are you only now psyching yourself out?
It has been amazing, yes, but read above.
 

shoptroll

Member
May 29, 2018
1,067
I know it's a relatively small thing to be hung up about, but that stuff matters to me.
Personally, I don't think politics are a small thing to be hung up on. That's often tied up with things like personal values and that can cause headaches down the road if you can't compromise or at least see eye-to-eye on certain things. You definitely shouldn't think you're odd for taking that stuff seriously.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
Personally, I don't think politics are a small thing to be hung up on. That's often tied up with things like personal values and that can cause headaches down the road if you can't compromise or at least see eye-to-eye on certain things. You definitely shouldn't think you're odd for taking that stuff seriously.
Yeah it’s not odd at all. Politics are a pretty major thing to consider. Doubly so if you’re a minority.
 

Advc

Member
Nov 3, 2017
2,510
From the makers of -never answering the first message back- or -one word replies every 3 days- now comes a new way to make you feel more awful of what you already feel, brought to you by Tinder: Matching with someone and cancelling the match few minutes later.

Got a notification that I made a match, I checked after 10 minutes and got hyped so I sent a message to this girl and when I hit send a error notification appeared below my message saying that it wasn't delivered. Restarted the app and the girl's profile dissapeared... It's like she swiped me right on accident or she regretted it doing it and cancelled the match. Awful feeling. The shit experience on tinder continues I simply don't know why I continue there, I haven't gotten a worthy match in months now. Rough times
 

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,080
Personally, I don't think politics are a small thing to be hung up on. That's often tied up with things like personal values and that can cause headaches down the road if you can't compromise or at least see eye-to-eye on certain things. You definitely shouldn't think you're odd for taking that stuff seriously.
Yeah it’s not odd at all. Politics are a pretty major thing to consider. Doubly so if you’re a minority.
You guys are probably right. It makes it harder to find someone I like since I'm in KY, but it does matter a lot to me.

Ended up going on an impromptu dinner date with her last night. Went to her favorite restaurant in town and stayed for like three hours, and she told them it was my bday to mess with me, so I got a mini cake and pied in the face, hahaha. We're still on for this weekend, too. I haven't heard from her this morning which is a little odd, but I'm sure I'm overthinking it (she's a teacher and her schedule is r o u g h)

From the makers of -never answering the first message back- or -one word replies every 3 days- now comes a new way to make you feel more awful of what you already feel, brought to you by Tinder: Matching with someone and cancelling the match few minutes later.

Got a notification that I made a match, I checked after 10 minutes and got hyped so I sent a message to this girl and when I hit send a error notification appeared below my message saying that it wasn't delivered. Restarted the app and the girl's profile dissapeared... It's like she swiped me right on accident or she regretted it doing it and cancelled the match. Awful feeling. The shit experience on tinder continues I simply don't know why I continue there, I haven't gotten a worthy match in months now. Rough times
That's happened to me before and it's the absolute wooooorst. I had decent luck for a while after I deleted my profile and started over, if you had any interest. I got a ton of matches right out of the gate.
 
Last edited:
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
So Saturday will be a unique date day for me. I have a date at 8:30 in the morning with one girl and then a date with another girl at 12:30 in the afternoon. Beyond going on two different dates in the same day, I've never been on a date so early. Should be interesting but I'm definitely out of my element here haha
 

Lumination

Member
Oct 26, 2017
3,156
Seems like a ton of people here have been seeing various degrees of success. When it rains, it pours!

What do you guys think changed? Your approach? The time of the year? Just plain luck of the draw?
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,407
Seems like a ton of people here have been seeing various degrees of success. When it rains, it pours!

What do you guys think changed? Your approach? The time of the year? Just plain luck of the draw?
Luck and maybe the time of the year. I certainly didn't do anything different.

Though potential issue for me is the two people I've managed to actually get a dates with both are extremely busy people. Availability and scheduling is rough, hence the 8:30 AM date. I'm much too used to evening dates, not sure how I feel about early morning/day dates. Maybe it's just me but I feel like it'll be harder to create a romantic atmosphere.
 

Advc

Member
Nov 3, 2017
2,510
You guys are probably right. It makes it harder to find someone I like since I'm in KY, but it does matter a lot to me.

Ended up going on an impromptu dinner date with her last night. Went to her favorite restaurant in town and stayed for like three hours, and she told them it was my bday to mess with me, so I got a mini cake and pied in the face, hahaha. We're still on for this weekend, too. I haven't heard from her this morning which is a little odd, but I'm sure I'm overthinking it (she's a teacher and her schedule is r o u g h)


That's happened to me before and it's the absolute wooooorst. I had decent luck for a while after I deleted my profile and started over, if you had any interest. I got a ton of matches right out of the gate.
Yeah I might delete my profile and go on hiatus for a while and start all over cuz this is getting depressive now. Maybe get new profile pictures too. Haven't gotten a single match in weeks and not worthy people to talk in months cuz they are simply not willing to even hello back. It's weird because I didn't used to struggle this badly on Tinder a couple years ago, I used to get plenty of matches every few days and so, and have nice conversations too and got to personally meet several of them, one of them eventually becoming my gf, now my ex. Maybe I'm getting uglier idk.
 

Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,528
Seems like a ton of people here have been seeing various degrees of success. When it rains, it pours!

What do you guys think changed? Your approach? The time of the year? Just plain luck of the draw?
I certainly started to care less! Always always always you fail if you try too hard in my view. My last two dates have been organised in a totally laid back, organic way.

Before I was treating every denial as a personal slight.