DatingEra - This isn't like one of your animes

Jzeero

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,388
California
So I've always had this problem where everytime I hold a girl's hand my hands get sweaty.

Can I just put antiperspirant on my hands?

Edit: nevermind I just found one on amazon
 
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Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,600
So I was messaging this girl a while back. We'd flirted on and off, but when I'd initially tried to arrange something she turned round and said I lived too far... whatever I thought, I blew it off and we stopped messaging. We left things like a week or two and she starts messaging out of nowhere again, saying she wants to meet. I said I thought I lived too far. To be honest, a week or two is a long time in dating. I'd started talking to other people since, and there had been quite a few things that had led me to believe we weren't really all that suited to one another.

So she's kept messaging me over Snapchat the last few days, and has now messaged me separately as well asking if I'm ignoring her. It's making me feel pretty uncomfortable honestly. We've never even met. I'm also seeing another girl on Tuesday, and while I know talking to/dating multiple people at such an early stage is totally fine, it's never something I've felt comfortable with.

What's the best way to respond? I was hoping she'd sort of take the hint but she keeps messaging.
 

Gotdatmoney

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,663
So I was messaging this girl a while back. We'd flirted on and off, but when I'd initially tried to arrange something she turned round and said I lived too far... whatever I thought, I blew it off and we stopped messaging. We left things like a week or two and she starts messaging out of nowhere again, saying she wants to meet. I said I thought I lived too far. To be honest, a week or two is a long time in dating. I'd started talking to other people since, and there had been quite a few things that had led me to believe we weren't really all that suited to one another.

So she's kept messaging me over Snapchat the last few days, and has now messaged me separately as well asking if I'm ignoring her. It's making me feel pretty uncomfortable honestly. We've never even met. I'm also seeing another girl on Tuesday, and while I know talking to/dating multiple people at such an early stage is totally fine, it's never something I've felt comfortable with.

What's the best way to respond? I was hoping she'd sort of take the hint but she keeps messaging.
Have you heard of the block function my guy? Lol
 

Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,600
Have you heard of the block function my guy? Lol
Lol it's weird because when I initially was trying to set up the date at first she seemed really disinterested and I couldn't be bothered.

Do I owe her a message explaining why? To clarify, we've texted infrequently over the last month or so, but we've never met.
 

Gotdatmoney

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,663
Lol it's weird because when I initially was trying to set up the date at first she seemed really disinterested and I couldn't be bothered.

Do I owe her a message explaining why? To clarify, we've texted infrequently over the last month or so, but we've never met.
Lol no.

You dont owe an explanation to someome you have never met about why you dont wanna talk. Just like, use the ignore features. Thats what they exist for.
 

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,091
Well shit, that girl I went out with last night just wants to be friends. I thought she was into me. I felt a connection but guess it was one sided. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
 
Oct 30, 2017
6,179
Seems like a ton of people here have been seeing various degrees of success. When it rains, it pours!

What do you guys think changed? Your approach? The time of the year? Just plain luck of the draw?
Honestly, it was just dumb luck. Knew her in passing from work for almost a year but she just texted me on insta out of blue after I added something Harry Potter related to my profile bio. I've always been really self-conscious of my nerdy side but it turns out that actually putting that out there was the best thing to do.

Granted, getting in great shape in the fall last year and thus gaining confidence also helped.
 

Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,600
Honestly, it was just dumb luck. Knew her in passing from work for almost a year but she just texted me on insta out of blue after I added something Harry Potter related to my profile bio. I've always been really self-conscious of my nerdy side but it turns out that actually putting that out there was the best thing to do.

Granted, getting in great shape in the fall last year and thus gaining confidence also helped.
Harry Potter is mainstream nerdy though, if I had a dollar for every girl with Harry Potter in their Hinge bio along with the word “Always”
 

shoptroll

Member
May 29, 2018
1,084
Harry Potter is mainstream nerdy though, if I had a dollar for every girl with Harry Potter in their Hinge bio along with the word “Always”
Don't gatekeep. If Portal and HP are things the other person likes they're things they like. And because they're more mainstream they're safe options to test the waters with before heading into the deep end.

That said, it can be very exciting / intoxicating when you find someone who you think is part of "your tribe".
 

Aprikurt

Member
Oct 29, 2017
5,600
Don't gatekeep. If Portal and HP are things the other person likes they're things they like. And because they're more mainstream they're safe options to test the waters with before heading into the deep end.

That said, it can be very exciting / intoxicating when you find someone who you think is part of "your tribe".
I wasn’t gatekeeping at all, sorry if it came across that way, just seen quite a few Harry Potter fans.
As I’ve mentioned previously the girl I’m talking to is an LotR fan and it’s so exciting.
 
Oct 28, 2017
30
With online dating you sometimes get chatting with people (people you never actually end up meeting), the conversation might go on a few weeks/a couple of months and then things kind of tale off and then all communication naturally stops from both sides. Your phone becomes littered with these dead phone numbers until the person decides to rear there head again after x amount of time.

So this girl that Ive been seeing for 3 months, known for 6 months, as of yesterday is now my GF. I asked her to be my GF and we made things official. After yesterdays date we got chatting on the phone and she made me aware that a dude that she used to chat with had recontacted her within the past week. My GF had matched with this dude a month earlier than when I matched her and they had been chatting for a couple months before all communication between them had stopped.

One of the things the dude asked my GF was how was her relationship life going and if she had found anyone. Bearing in mind this message was received before we made things official. My GF at the time said she had been dating someone (a.k.a me) for a few months. I guess she was telling him to back off, I don't know. His answer to that response was "he wished he started something earlier and that he was too late" From my interpretation it seems this dude had probably gotten out of a relationship himself, had my GF on back burner and is now trying to hit on her.

My GF asked me if I wanted her to stop talking to him. I was kind of not expecting her to tell me any of this at all so I was unprepared as to what I should be asking her to do. I guess I didn't really give her an answer as to what to do.
Of course I dont want my GF to be talking to this guy but I think the decision should be for her to make to what is morally right and wrong now that we are official. Am I right in letting her decide herself what should be the correct action? I trust my GF 100% and respect and am grateful towards her for telling me this information.

Because they both met on a dating app and to just be "online" only friends is kind of difficult for me to accept. There must have been some sort of attraction at the beginning otherwise they wouldn't have matched. But what I am sure of is that I dont want this dude contacting my GF anymore.

I dont even know if I am making a huge deal out of this. I guess am happy that my GF has made me aware right at the start of our relationship. Please give me advice as to how to proceed or what to do.
 

shoptroll

Member
May 29, 2018
1,084
One of the things the dude asked my GF was how was her relationship life going and if she had found anyone. Bearing in mind this message was received before we made things official. My GF at the time said she had been dating someone (a.k.a me) for a few months. I guess she was telling him to back off, I don't know. His answer to that response was "he wished he started something earlier and that he was too late" From my interpretation it seems this dude had probably gotten out of a relationship himself, had my GF on back burner and is now trying to hit on her.

My GF asked me if I wanted her to stop talking to him. I was kind of not expecting her to tell me any of this at all so I was unprepared as to what I should be asking her to do. I guess I didn't really give her an answer as to what to do.
Of course I dont want my GF to be talking to this guy but I think the decision should be for her to make to what is morally right and wrong now that we are official. Am I right in letting her decide herself what should be the correct action? I trust my GF 100% and respect and am grateful towards her for telling me this information.
First and foremost, you're not wrong for feeling threatened by this revelation. That's totally natural and hearing about this right around the time you became official isn't going to make those feelings any easier.

The right thing I think to do is to trust she will continue to manage the situation appropriately and maturely herself. She clearly felt comfortable and trusting enough to tell you about what was going on upfront so you should reciprocate that trust back to her.

My read is similar to in that this guy probably struck out somewhere recently and is probably trying to reconnect with people that were prospectives at one point. I don't know the online dating sphere that well but your GF is probably not the only woman he's been talking to lately. With any luck he'll get distracted again by someone else and leave your GF alone in a little while.

I would also take solace in the fact that if your GF were in fact interested in this other guy she probably wouldn't have agreed to be official with you.
 

Kevers

The Fallen
Oct 29, 2017
8,376
Syracuse, NY
So over the last couple of weeks I decided to try my hand at these apps. I installed Tinder and Bumble and gave them a shot while I was down at MAGFest, A couple of people liked me which helped my self esteem a lot but I never actually matched with anyone until last night, and now I've matched with 2 separate people on Bumble and Tinder. I'm shit at starting conversations so I'm building up a little stock of anxiety even thinking about it. I'm sure it's something I'll overcome I'm just nervous as this is the first time in basically 20 years I've put myself out there like this.
 

Rephil

Member
Nov 16, 2017
36
Kevers

I suggest messaging your matches sooner rather than later, strike while the iron is hot. Just take a deep breath, and realize that whatever comes of the conversations, your value a a person isn't reliant on the outcome. Considering you're new to online dating, don't be surprised if they either don't respond, or the convo doesn't actually go anywhere/lead to a date. Never take it personally, and just move onto the next. If you're going months without any success, then it would be wise to change up your approach and your pictures.

It's incredibly simple to start a conversation. Make a comment about something in their pictures or profile that caught your eye. Add a bit of humor if possible. If you can't do either of these, you can always use a complete non-sequitur question like "Pizza or tacos, and why?" or whatever other nonsense that works best for you.

Good luck!
 

Dealer A

Member
Jan 13, 2018
95
I know no one has the answer to this but, I just don't understand women sometimes. I meet a girl online. We go out, have a drink. She goes back to my place. We really hit it off and fool around. A few days later she finally texts me back and explains she doesn't have time for dating. What gives?

She's on a dating app. Her profole says she's looking for a relationship. I thought we had good chemistry. She even mentioned a second date during the first. In bed she was having a pretty intimate talk with me as we both lay there afterwards. As she's leaving my apartment I'm dropping suggestions for our next meeting. Then when I text her to set up a dinner she claims she was surprised that I even wanted to see her again. And that she doesn't have time for dating.

I don't mind a one night stand. I don't mind a bad date with no second date. I DO hate being led on though.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
I know no one has the answer to this but, I just don't understand women sometimes. I meet a girl online. We go out, have a drink. She goes back to my place. We really hit it off and fool around. A few days later she finally texts me back and explains she doesn't have time for dating. What gives?

She's on a dating app. Her profole says she's looking for a relationship. I thought we had good chemistry. She even mentioned a second date during the first. In bed she was having a pretty intimate talk with me as we both lay there afterwards. As she's leaving my apartment I'm dropping suggestions for our next meeting. Then when I text her to set up a dinner she claims she was surprised that I even wanted to see her again. And that she doesn't have time for dating.

I don't mind a one night stand. I don't mind a bad date with no second date. I DO hate being led on though.
I don’t have time for dating = I don’t have time for dating you.

It’s a soft rejection designed to shield your feelings from the fact that you aren’t as interesting to her as some other person
 

blitzblake

Member
Jan 4, 2018
1,834
I know no one has the answer to this but, I just don't understand women sometimes. I meet a girl online. We go out, have a drink. She goes back to my place. We really hit it off and fool around. A few days later she finally texts me back and explains she doesn't have time for dating. What gives?

She's on a dating app. Her profole says she's looking for a relationship. I thought we had good chemistry. She even mentioned a second date during the first. In bed she was having a pretty intimate talk with me as we both lay there afterwards. As she's leaving my apartment I'm dropping suggestions for our next meeting. Then when I text her to set up a dinner she claims she was surprised that I even wanted to see her again. And that she doesn't have time for dating.

I don't mind a one night stand. I don't mind a bad date with no second date. I DO hate being led on though.
How were you being led on? You asked about a second date, she said no? It’s not like she said “oh maybe I’m really busy I’ll let you know”.
 

Wonderboy

Member
Oct 29, 2017
11
I would love to get some advice guys. So I am in my late 30s, single forever and very shy when it comes to talking up woman in public or social gatherings. I don't have much self confidence, mostly stick to myself and can't bring myself to talk with anyone I don't know.

Last week I was buying coffee beans in a coffeeshop and a girl smiled at me. This never happens to me and I didn't know how to react. We had brief eye contact, I panicked and left the store. Or today a very pretty girl was standing near me at the train station and our eyes crossed. But I just couldn't get myself to talk to her.

I am so angry with myself that I'm missing out on these great chances to get to know someone. Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome my shyness and what I could have said, without coming of as needy and shy?
 

WorldofMiku

Member
Oct 27, 2017
753
I know no one has the answer to this but, I just don't understand women sometimes. I meet a girl online. We go out, have a drink. She goes back to my place. We really hit it off and fool around. A few days later she finally texts me back and explains she doesn't have time for dating. What gives?

She's on a dating app. Her profole says she's looking for a relationship. I thought we had good chemistry. She even mentioned a second date during the first. In bed she was having a pretty intimate talk with me as we both lay there afterwards. As she's leaving my apartment I'm dropping suggestions for our next meeting. Then when I text her to set up a dinner she claims she was surprised that I even wanted to see her again. And that she doesn't have time for dating.

I don't mind a one night stand. I don't mind a bad date with no second date. I DO hate being led on though.
There’s something you did (or she had seen) when you two went back to your place that she didn’t like. So much that it turned her off.

Or she found someone else that’s more exciting to her.

But basically like jdstorm said, soft rejection. She’s lying, but she didn’t want you to rage at her so she came up with an excuse.

It’s over unfortunately. :(
 
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phonicjoy

Member
Jun 19, 2018
2,373
I would love to get some advice guys. So I am in my late 30s, single forever and very shy when it comes to talking up woman in public or social gatherings. I don't have much self confidence, mostly stick to myself and can't bring myself to talk with anyone I don't know.

Last week I was buying coffee beans in a coffeeshop and a girl smiled at me. This never happens to me and I didn't know how to react. We had brief eye contact, I panicked and left the store. Or today a very pretty girl was standing near me at the train station and our eyes crossed. But I just couldn't get myself to talk to her.

I am so angry with myself that I'm missing out on these great chances to get to know someone. Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome my shyness and what I could have said, without coming of as needy and shy?
"Hi" is always a good one.

Seriously though, start with talking to random people at the busstop or coffeeshop or the cashier at your supermarket. Just something about the weather, the guy in front of you that was rude, why this specific bus is always so late. Anything. Try it with anyone. Older people, younger people, people who you would never consider dating.

Treating women you are interested in like human beings you are interested in is what you're trying to go for here.
 

Dealer A

Member
Jan 13, 2018
95
There’s something you did (or she had seen) when you two went back to your place that she didn’t like. So much that it turned her off.

Or she found someone else that’s more exciting to her.

But basically like jdstorm said, soft rejection. She’s lying, but she didn’t want you to rage at her so she came up with an excuse.

It’s over unfortunately. :(
I think that's on point. She either re-evaluated how the date went, or she saw someone else that she liked better. She did have an entire Friday/Saturday off before I messaged her.

Obviously I know she's making excuses for me and that it's over. It's just the way the date unfolded that is a new experience for me. Usually if it's a one-nighter, it's sort of alluded to before the date starts. And if the girl has no interest I usually get that memo before we end back at my place. In this case she mentioned second dates and then she followed me home. That's why it stings a little.

Thanks gang.
 
Oct 27, 2017
455
I think that's on point. She either re-evaluated how the date went, or she saw someone else that she liked better. She did have an entire Friday/Saturday off before I messaged her.

Obviously I know she's making excuses for me and that it's over. It's just the way the date unfolded that is a new experience for me. Usually if it's a one-nighter, it's sort of alluded to before the date starts. And if the girl has no interest I usually get that memo before we end back at my place. In this case she mentioned second dates and then she followed me home. That's why it stings a little.

Thanks gang.
I mean, it sort of sounds like she didn't want to actually state "casual" on the profile and avoid that garbage, but was looking for it anyway.
 

Nooblet

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,813
So I need some advice from people who have experience dating people with mental health issues.

There's this girl who has been friends with me for a good few months (met her half a year ago). We were originally fuck buddies but we got along so well that we have become extremely close friends. We stopped the sex as soon as we started to be more involved in each other's lives which was about 4 months ago in order to not complicate things too much, and we aren't dating atm since her current work situation requires constant travelling (she basically has no permanent address and moves around the country frequently) which makes it so that getting into a relationship is not very ideal. You'll have to trust me on this one when I say that it's not due to lack of interest which she has made clear. But this is only temporary and is to change this year eventually. We hang out whenever possible and talk/share a lot. She is honestly one of the most amazing, supporting, dilligent, and kind person I know and we have terrific chemistry. Plus the sex was the best I've ever had in my life. If anyone's aware of myer's brigg's personality type then we are actually thetype that are usually the ideal match for each other as she's an ENFP and I'm an INTJ. So far so good.

Now we've talked about the possibility of dating in the near future when the situation with her work clears up and becomes more permanent, but there is one issue. As I got to know her more I found out that she has some pretty serious mental health issues related to PTSD, and in general becomes very reclusive and unpredictible when she has to process stuff. She regularly takes therapy and has learned to combat it over time, so right now she's in pretty decent state of mind and fairly stable but it's not totally gone and I doubt these things can ever be totally gone. Plus there's a possibility of relapse. While that's not really an issue as a friend, as a potential partner this scares the shit out of me. The reason for this being I'm a very stable and functional person mentally, with absolutely zero issues and my extent of personal experience with mental health goes only as far as mild depression that I once had several years ago. So it's an area I do not really understand.

However, I have this inkling at the back of my head that what if it's a bad idea and this will end up in a dysfunctional relationship where I end up being drained because I'm so bad at handling it? And would it not be better to see someone who is more similar to me in terms of stability even if it means the chemistry isn't as amazing? I mean I do want this with her, as I like her a lot and she likes me, we feel vulnerable yet comfortable with each other. But these thoughts they come up in my head and I don't really know how to deal with it.

So if someone has any experience dating people with mental health issues, would you be kind enough to share some general pointers in terms of what to expect, the difficulties in it etc?
 
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jvalioli

Member
Oct 27, 2017
286
So I need some advice from people who have experience dating people with mental health issues.

There's this girl who has been friends with me for a good few months (met her half a year ago). We were originally fuck buddies but we got along so well that we have become extremely close friends. We stopped the sex as soon as we started to be more involved in each other's lives which was about 4 months ago in order to not complicate things too much, and we aren't dating atm since her current work situation requires constant travelling (she basically has no permanent address and moves around the country frequently) which makes it so that getting into a relationship is not very ideal. You'll have to trust me on this one when I say that it's not due to lack of interest which she has made clear. But this is only temporary and is to change this year eventually. We hang out whenever possible and talk/share a lot. She is honestly one of the most amazing, supporting, dilligent, and kind person I know and we have terrific chemistry. Plus the sex was the best I've ever had in my life. If anyone's aware of myer's brigg's personality type then we are actually thetype that are usually the ideal match for each other as she's an ENFP and I'm an INTJ. So far so good.

Now we've talked about the possibility of dating in the near future when the situation with her work clears up and becomes more permanent, but there is one issue. As I got to know her more I found out that she has some pretty serious mental health issues related to PTSD, and in general becomes very reclusive and unpredictible when she has to process stuff. She regularly takes therapy and has learned to combat it over time, so right now she's in pretty decent state of mind and fairly stable but it's not totally gone and I doubt these things can ever be totally gone. Plus there's a possibility of relapse. While that's not really an issue as a friend, as a potential partner this scares the shit out of me. The reason for this being I'm a very stable and functional person mentally, with absolutely zero issues and my extent of personal experience with mental health goes only as far as mild depression that I once had several years ago. So it's an area I do not really understand.

However, I have this inkling at the back of my head that what if it's a bad idea and this will end up in a dysfunctional relationship where I end up being drained because I'm so bad at handling it? And would it not be better to see someone who is more similar to me in terms of stability even if it means the chemistry isn't as amazing? I mean I do want this with her, as I like her a lot and she likes me, we feel vulnerable yet comfortable with each other. But these thoughts they come up in my head and I don't really know how to deal with it.

So if someone has any experience dating people with mental health issues, would you be kind enough to share some general pointers in terms of what to expect, the difficulties in it etc?
Probably not what you want to hear but I dated someone with mental health issues. It slowly drained me over 7 years and we just couldn't take it anymore and broke up.

It's definitely doable but I didn't have the tools to carry the load or 2 people all of the time.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
So I need some advice from people who have experience dating people with mental health issues.

There's this girl who has been friends with me for a good few months (met her half a year ago). We were originally fuck buddies but we got along so well that we have become extremely close friends. We stopped the sex as soon as we started to be more involved in each other's lives which was about 4 months ago in order to not complicate things too much, and we aren't dating atm since her current work situation requires constant travelling (she basically has no permanent address and moves around the country frequently) which makes it so that getting into a relationship is not very ideal. You'll have to trust me on this one when I say that it's not due to lack of interest which she has made clear. But this is only temporary and is to change this year eventually. We hang out whenever possible and talk/share a lot. She is honestly one of the most amazing, supporting, dilligent, and kind person I know and we have terrific chemistry. Plus the sex was the best I've ever had in my life. If anyone's aware of myer's brigg's personality type then we are actually thetype that are usually the ideal match for each other as she's an ENFP and I'm an INTJ. So far so good.

Now we've talked about the possibility of dating in the near future when the situation with her work clears up and becomes more permanent, but there is one issue. As I got to know her more I found out that she has some pretty serious mental health issues related to PTSD, and in general becomes very reclusive and unpredictible when she has to process stuff. She regularly takes therapy and has learned to combat it over time, so right now she's in pretty decent state of mind and fairly stable but it's not totally gone and I doubt these things can ever be totally gone. Plus there's a possibility of relapse. While that's not really an issue as a friend, as a potential partner this scares the shit out of me. The reason for this being I'm a very stable and functional person mentally, with absolutely zero issues and my extent of personal experience with mental health goes only as far as mild depression that I once had several years ago. So it's an area I do not really understand.

However, I have this inkling at the back of my head that what if it's a bad idea and this will end up in a dysfunctional relationship where I end up being drained because I'm so bad at handling it? And would it not be better to see someone who is more similar to me in terms of stability even if it means the chemistry isn't as amazing? I mean I do want this with her, as I like her a lot and she likes me, we feel vulnerable yet comfortable with each other. But these thoughts they come up in my head and I don't really know how to deal with it.

So if someone has any experience dating people with mental health issues, would you be kind enough to share some general pointers in terms of what to expect, the difficulties in it etc?
As someone with mental health issues. It makes things harder, and there are things you will need to learn that are specific to her since there is no one size fits all solution.

Fearing a toxic relationship due to known and acknowledged mental health issues is mostly just misinformation and stigma. Any relationship can be toxic and or healthy based on how the two people inside it act.

Provided she knows her issues and is actively managing them it’s not really any different to dating someone with a severe nut allergy

PM me if you want to have a more in-depth conversation

Edit general pointers.

1. For people with serious mental health issues it’s a lifelong illness. It doesn’t get cured it just gets managed.

2. Ask lots of questions. A person who is ready to date will know their issues and know how they manage them. Discuss what that means for a relationship. For instance typically people lose interest in sex during a depressive episode. Are you okay with that ect?

3. When people are severely depressed their feelings will overtake their reality. Don’t tell them to focus on how lucky or fortunate they are and to focus on that. Their feelings may be based on lies but if they feel them to be true then that’s what you have to react to.

4. During an episode treat the person as the normal person they are. Plan dates/hangouts and act like nothing is wrong (SERIOUSLY THIS IS BIG). Your depressed partner will appreciate the effort and repay it when they are healthy. This shouldn’t be a you give and they take all the time thing. Just sometimes you will need to be more organisational.

5. Avocados and Bananas are high in serotonin (happy drug) Sugar makes you depressed. Eating healthy, sunlight and regular exercise is important. Especially when they don’t want to.

6. Let them know you are there. Send regular texts even if you get no reply. Occasionally demand they reply if you are worried. Just sit with them and let them know they aren’t alone. Hugs and physical contact are also great
 
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Lucael

Member
Oct 3, 2018
44
Any of you guys is a passive-aggressive type person? And how you deal with it in a relationship? I think this ruined my last 1,5 year relationship at the point that my partner couldn't trust me anymore in anything, especially in my feelings.
 

FerrisBueller

Member
Jul 15, 2018
21
I went out for a drink with a girl on Saturday night, and oh God this morning I texted her asking if she's up to much at the weekend, and whether she'd like to go to the trampoline park in her city and then get food after.

I'm kinda regretting that now and think I should have suggested something different and more casual. I mean I'm super down for that and would love to go, plus activity dates always seem fun, but I feel like this particular one might seem like a really dumb suggestion. She might not even want to go out again and I'm suggesting something like that lol. She's really nice I hope I haven't blown it.
 

Dabanton

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,943
Well shit, that girl I went out with last night just wants to be friends. I thought she was into me. I felt a connection but guess it was one sided. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
Yep absolutely nothing you can do. I went to a friends house yesterday and she met this guy on bumble three weeks ago. They hit it off online then decided to meet.

She said she knew after their dinner that she wasn't into it as much as him. But she said she didn't want to make a rash decision and gave him another date. Again everything was telling her nope. She tried a final time last weekend and knew she was 100% not feeling it. She sent him the goodbye message yesterday.

She said he was a great guy but those romantic feelings were just not there. It stings to hear it. Especially if you're into the person.
 

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,091
Yep absolutely nothing you can do. I went to a friends house yesterday and she met this guy on bumble three weeks ago. They hit it off online then decided to meet.

She said she knew after their dinner that she wasn't into it as much as him. But she said she didn't want to make a rash decision and gave him another date. Again everything was telling her nope. She tried a final time last weekend and knew she was 100% not feeling it. She sent him the goodbye message yesterday.

She said he was a great guy but those romantic feelings were just not there. It stings to hear it. Especially if you're into the person.
Ooof. That girl ended up blocking me everywhere we were friends hahaha. Snapchat, FB and XBL

I have absolutely no clue what happened. She was laughing and smiling the whole time we had dinner, plus we made further plans while we were out. Doesn't bother me at all anymore, just morbidly curious what changed.
 

Rephil

Member
Nov 16, 2017
36
Any of you guys is a passive-aggressive type person? And how you deal with it in a relationship? I think this ruined my last 1,5 year relationship at the point that my partner couldn't trust me anymore in anything, especially in my feelings.
Not really sure by your post if it was you or your ex-girlfriend who was acting passive-aggressively. If that's a behavioral pattern you tend to display, I suggest picking up some self-help books or speaking to a therapist. You'll need to shift your perspective on how you deal with your frustrations and stresses with your partner. Being honest and up front with your partner about your feelings is pretty much a necessity in maintaining a healthy relationship. Otherwise it comes out in subtle, back-handed ways that create resentment and anger.

Get comfortable with healthy confrontation/communication, and practice doing so wherever you can in your life - friends, family, co-workers, and romantic partners. It'll become much easier as you practice.
 

a916

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,551
How long should one wait to make things official? Do you just know, it naturally comes up, or is it a conversation you bring up at the right time (aka not too early). I feel like 2 maybe 3 months I always know if I'm interested or not, especially if I'm seeing her twice a week.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
How long should one wait to make things official? Do you just know, it naturally comes up, or is it a conversation you bring up at the right time (aka not too early). I feel like 2 maybe 3 months I always know if I'm interested or not, especially if I'm seeing her twice a week.
It’s definitely not something that comes up naturally. I DTR early and often. It’s a good way to be on the same page.

As far as being “official” does that mean labels like BF/GF? Ask her where she’s at and where she sees things going and go from there
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,553
I had two dates with two different people this weekend and to be honest, I'm not sure what to make of them.

First date was off of Hinge and we had a breakfast date. Don't get me wrong, I love breakfast food and I actually enjoyed chatting with her but the setting and it being so early in the morning made it feel more platonic than romantic. I guess I'll ask her out for dinner next, you know, at night but is it maybe my own failing that I can't make a romantic vibe outside of the typical evening dinner/drinks setting?

Second date was a lunch date. I initially expected dinner when it was brought up but then she said she wanted to do lunch. So we had lunch and then went on with our days. Again, it felt pretty much impossible to create a romantic vibe even though I was enjoying the company and conversation. This was the 3rd date with this girl and I still haven't kissed her. To me, it just feels platonic even though I'm attracted to her. I feel kind of stuck, like there's a barrier between me and making things more romantic. I'm not the hookup on first date type but even this feels way too slow for me. Not really sure what to do.

How long should one wait to make things official? Do you just know, it naturally comes up, or is it a conversation you bring up at the right time (aka not too early). I feel like 2 maybe 3 months I always know if I'm interested or not, especially if I'm seeing her twice a week.
3 months of seeing each other twice a week is definitely plenty of time to know if you want to make it official. If you want to do that, you should bring up the conversation.
 

Fury451

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,137
I went out for a drink with a girl on Saturday night, and oh God this morning I texted her asking if she's up to much at the weekend, and whether she'd like to go to the trampoline park in her city and then get food after.

I'm kinda regretting that now and think I should have suggested something different and more casual. I mean I'm super down for that and would love to go, plus activity dates always seem fun, but I feel like this particular one might seem like a really dumb suggestion. She might not even want to go out again and I'm suggesting something like that lol. She's really nice I hope I haven't blown it.
If she likes you but not the date idea she may suggest something else. It’s not for me for example but I think it’s a creative and offbeat date suggestion and it definitely shows you’re willing to put yourself out there and have some fun outside of the usual coffee and dinner dates.

I wouldn’t stress it- if she’s not into it I would keep looking for someone who is really nice and would be down for the trampoline park.
 

a916

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,551
It’s definitely not something that comes up naturally. I DTR early and often. It’s a good way to be on the same page.

As far as being “official” does that mean labels like BF/GF? Ask her where she’s at and where she sees things going and go from there
3 months of seeing each other twice a week is definitely plenty of time to know if you want to make it official. If you want to do that, you should bring up the conversation.
Yeah, like labels and something serious essentially. I guess it is more of a talk to see how it's going for both people. I'm not there yet with the girl I'm currently seeing, but there's definitely potential, and I've never really thought about this before (in the past I've also missed signs from girls I was seeing). I guess it's best to be open and honest and wait for a good time and open up that dialogue.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
I had two dates with two different people this weekend and to be honest, I'm not sure what to make of them.

First date was off of Hinge and we had a breakfast date. Don't get me wrong, I love breakfast food and I actually enjoyed chatting with her but the setting and it being so early in the morning made it feel more platonic than romantic. I guess I'll ask her out for dinner next, you know, at night but is it maybe my own failing that I can't make a romantic vibe outside of the typical evening dinner/drinks setting?

Second date was a lunch date. I initially expected dinner when it was brought up but then she said she wanted to do lunch. So we had lunch and then went on with our days. Again, it felt pretty much impossible to create a romantic vibe even though I was enjoying the company and conversation. This was the 3rd date with this girl and I still haven't kissed her. To me, it just feels platonic even though I'm attracted to her. I feel kind of stuck, like there's a barrier between me and making things more romantic. I'm not the hookup on first date type but even this feels way too slow for me. Not really sure what to do.


3 months of seeing each other twice a week is definitely plenty of time to know if you want to make it official. If you want to do that, you should bring up the conversation.
Sounds like you are too caught up on setting/atmosphere and have conditioned that into what makes it feel romantic.

In terms of 3rd date girl. She knows they are dates and has agreed to them as dates right? Ask her out on a 4th date, have her agree that it’s a date and kiss her at the start when you first meet up. Be assertive and see what happens.

Adrenaline filled dates are also good if you want some assistance on the chemistry department.

As for breakfast date girl. First dates aren’t inherently romantic for some girls. They are a “is this person real and safe” check. So don’t stress it. Up the romantic factor date 2 and see where it goes
 

FerrisBueller

Member
Jul 15, 2018
21
If she likes you but not the date idea she may suggest something else. It’s not for me for example but I think it’s a creative and offbeat date suggestion and it definitely shows you’re willing to put yourself out there and have some fun outside of the usual coffee and dinner dates.

I wouldn’t stress it- if she’s not into it I would keep looking for someone who is really nice and would be down for the trampoline park.
Thanks! That's what I'm hoping, if she is up for going out again then hopefully one idea she isn't into wont put her off altogether, and it it does then it doesn't really matter what I suggested.

I'm probably just overthinking things like usual.
 

Fury451

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,137
Thanks! That's what I'm hoping, if she is up for going out again then hopefully one idea she isn't into wont put her off altogether, and it it does then it doesn't really matter what I suggested.

I'm probably just overthinking things like usual.
I’ve been there! While it’s true some people might just choose to not engage because they may not want to know how to suggest an alternative themselves, more often than not I found that if I’m direct and put something out there, it’s appreciated enough to at least decline and come up with something else. Your mileage may vary, but I think that kind of straightforward suggestion of an activity or a plan is a good thing
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
Yeah, like labels and something serious essentially. I guess it is more of a talk to see how it's going for both people. I'm not there yet with the girl I'm currently seeing, but there's definitely potential, and I've never really thought about this before (in the past I've also missed signs from girls I was seeing). I guess it's best to be open and honest and wait for a good time and open up that dialogue.
Early and often is good. Part of being in a healthy relationship is good communication and talking about what you want out of a relationship is important.

If you aren’t sure where you currently are, say that and talk about where you would like to see it going. That way you will both see if you’re headed in the same direction
 

FerrisBueller

Member
Jul 15, 2018
21
I’ve been there! While it’s true some people might just choose to not engage because they may not want to know how to suggest an alternative themselves, more often than not I found that if I’m direct and put something out there, it’s appreciated enough to at least decline and come up with something else. Your mileage may vary, but I think that kind of straightforward suggestion of an activity or a plan is a good thing
Yeah I wanted to make a solid suggestion or plan rather than just vaguely ask if she wanted to go out and do "something" or anything like that. I'm definitely going to try and do this more in the future, even if this particular situation doesn't work out.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,553
Sounds like you are too caught up on setting/atmosphere and have conditioned that into what makes it feel romantic.

In terms of 3rd date girl. She knows they are dates and has agreed to them as dates right? Ask her out on a 4th date, have her agree that it’s a date and kiss her at the start when you first meet up. Be assertive and see what happens.

Adrenaline filled dates are also good if you want some assistance on the chemistry department.

As for breakfast date girl. First dates aren’t inherently romantic for some girls. They are a “is this person real and safe” check. So don’t stress it. Up the romantic factor date 2 and see where it goes
3rd date girls knows they are dates. She's directly referred to them as such and we've talked about what we are looking for in terms of dating. I think she just may be the type to take things very slowly.

Breakfast date was actually a second date. I don't expect first dates to be romantic either. I usually prefer them not to be. I'm not too worried here, I will just try to do something a bit more intimate next time. I think both dates being back-to-back made me look at how they went more critically.

As for setting and atmosphere, I suppose I could be too caught up in that idea but I don't feel like I have pretty basic standards there. I'm not really expecting sparks flying but like the actual feeling that this is a date and these women are attracted to me.
 

a916

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,551
Early and often is good. Part of being in a healthy relationship is good communication and talking about what you want out of a relationship is important.

If you aren’t sure where you currently are, say that and talk about where you would like to see it going. That way you will both see if you’re headed in the same direction
For sure, I think that's a good policy. I'm only 3 weeks into seeing this current girl and only about 5 dates in, we talked up front on the first date that was supposed to only be drinks, lasted about 8 hours as we bounced from place to place. Initially she said she wants to meet someone and then go with the flow.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
3,718
3rd date girls knows they are dates. She's directly referred to them as such and we've talked about what we are looking for in terms of dating. I think she just may be the type to take things very slowly.

Breakfast date was actually a second date. I don't expect first dates to be romantic either. I usually prefer them not to be. I'm not too worried here, I will just try to do something a bit more intimate next time. I think both dates being back-to-back made me look at how they went more critically.

As for setting and atmosphere, I suppose I could be too caught up in that idea but I don't feel like I have pretty basic standards there. I'm not really expecting sparks flying but like the actual feeling that this is a date and these women are attracted to me.
3rd date girl sounds passive and wants you to make a move. are you initiating any physical contact (hugs, hi fives, holding hands, touching her non sexually ect)

When you hug her when you meet up, hold her close and ask if you can kiss her.

As far as “basic standards” what I’m suggesting is that you have conditioned yourself that Dinnerdate = Romantic and that anything that’s not that takes you out of the mood. Romance can mean all sorts of things, not just your standard nice restaurant ambience
 

Dabanton

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,943
Ooof. That girl ended up blocking me everywhere we were friends hahaha. Snapchat, FB and XBL

I have absolutely no clue what happened. She was laughing and smiling the whole time we had dinner, plus we made further plans while we were out. Doesn't bother me at all anymore, just morbidly curious what changed.
I dated someone for three weeks and she was the same, smiling,laughing making out, long interesting conversations.

Third week she switched up and said she wanted to concentrate on her career. And wouldn't be dating anyone. She put her change of mind down to watching marriage story haha

She owes me nothing or even an explanation., but I've found women don't want to think of you 'hating' them for stopping things.

But the blocking is overkill. Did she think you'd be desperate and message her again? I mean there are dicks out there who would. I still follow and are followed by women where it didn't go anywhere. it's all cool. But once a woman has made it clear she's not interested unless she contacts I won't be talking to her.
 
Nov 17, 2017
8,553
3rd date girl sounds passive and wants you to make a move. are you initiating any physical contact (hugs, hi fives, holding hands, touching her non sexually ect)

When you hug her when you meet up, hold her close and ask if you can kiss her.

As far as “basic standards” what I’m suggesting is that you have conditioned yourself that Dinnerdate = Romantic and that anything that’s not that takes you out of the mood. Romance can mean all sorts of things, not just your standard nice restaurant ambience
I have hugged her at the beginning and end of dates. To be fair, she initiated those. As for hi fives, I can't say I'm much of a hi fiver lol. To be honest, there hasn't really been much opportunity to touch her because we're sitting at a table. I usually try to avoid these kinds of situations or at least have a part of the date where we aren't just sitting across from each other but she hasn't given me the opportunity to do otherwise. She has a busy schedule and so far every date has had a time limit under 2 hours so it's been rough trying to create any kind of context for romance.

That said, I did bring up the idea of going ice skating with her so I think I'll ask her out to do that. It's not so much that I'm not opposed to anything other than a dinner date, it's more that the dates I've been having of late have been early-in-the-day dates that last under 2 hours. I don't think I'm charming enough to pull something romantic out of that.

I am grateful for your advice but I have to admit, I'm not comfortable with greeting someone with a kiss when I've never kissed them before. Same with asking to kiss them.
 

fracas

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,091
I dated someone for three weeks and she was the same, smiling,laughing making out, long interesting conversations.

Third week she switched up and said she wanted to concentrate on her career. And wouldn't be dating anyone. She put her change of mind down to watching marriage story haha

She owes me nothing or even an explanation., but I've found women don't want to think of you 'hating' them for stopping things.

But the blocking is overkill. Did she think you'd be desperate and message her again? I mean there are dicks out there who would. I still follow and are followed by women where it didn't go anywhere. it's all cool. But once a woman has made it clear she's not interested unless she contacts I won't be talking to her.
I don't think I ever came off as desperate with her but I dunno. I'm guessing she had a bad experience in the past or something. When she told me she didn't want to communicate anymore I just told her I understood and I'd see her around, then I posted something about the Titans game on FB (which we had planned to watch together) and saw she had blocked me. Really strange but oh well!
 

a916

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,551
I am grateful for your advice but I have to admit, I'm not comfortable with greeting someone with a kiss when I've never kissed them before. Same with asking to kiss them.
Something that has worked for me often in the past is to lean in and give them a hug, pull back just a little so you're still looking into their eyes and then if they maintain or close the gap, it's go time.