Thanks for your input guys! For the record, this was my very first Tinder date. I guess my enthousiasm kinda showed... I'm very much a heart on my sleeve kind of guy and I realise that I can be pretty direct. Some people love that, but it can scare some people off too. But I guess I learned from this experience. And who knows where it might it lead eventually, but right now I'm not gonna get my hopes up.
-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
As a general thing, I try not to come off as too strong on the first date, because the first date is often just for the woman to make sure you're not a murderer and that there is chemistry. But by the third date, I think she should have enough respect for you (and desire to keep it going) to reject your idea and come up with another one. Lack of action to do so tells me less about what you did wrong and more that she probably had doubts to some extent and this just fast-tracked them. Which is not necessarily a bad thing!
Yeah, dance classes and meetups are on my list, just bogged down with adult responsibilities atm! I think the biggest barrier for me at the moment is that I don't know if I could manage more friends, but I'd also hate to be doing these activities and be turning down potential friend material.
Just keep on keeping on! I realize now that it's really all in the mindset. 7 months feels like a long time, but I can still vividly remember the day I started, so was it actually that long? And honestly, even if it sounds like a lot on paper, just going out once every 2 weeks makes 14 events, which is enough to shake off the alien feeling and get used to it.
Good post. I can also speak for myself in saying when I started being selective about my needs and preferences with dates and stopped taking every date I could and trying to please the other party at any cost is when I realized I had come to like and respect myself. It was a great feeling.
The girl I went out with the other night messaged me last night saying that she had a nice time and would have liked to see me again, but thinks our personalities are quite different.
I've done well with my anxiety in general, but my inability to show my personality when meeting someone I like is a big problem. Even if we talk and there aren't any awkward silences I can't really come out of my shell and be the jokey, fun person I normally am, so I'm left wondering "What if I'd been able to be myself when I was with her..."
Can anyone else with anxiety relate and possible have some tips to overcome this hurdle?
I think maybe I need to try and not do the "normal" drink/coffee dates anymore, and try doing something more fun that will let my personality show more than I can manage over a one on one conversation.
I've done well with my anxiety in general, but my inability to show my personality when meeting someone I like is a big problem. Even if we talk and there aren't any awkward silences I can't really come out of my shell and be the jokey, fun person I normally am, so I'm left wondering "What if I'd been able to be myself when I was with her..."
Can anyone else with anxiety relate and possible have some tips to overcome this hurdle?
I think maybe I need to try and not do the "normal" drink/coffee dates anymore, and try doing something more fun that will let my personality show more than I can manage over a one on one conversation.
Is there a specific venue or activity that would put you in home field advantage? Like something that puts you in your element and your comfort zone? You could possibly use that as an advantage of showing something you're passionate about, and also put you at ease? At least that's what I enjoy doing. I used to deal with that same stuff before too. Though now I'm a bit easier just anywhere because I worked on being more comfortable just being myself.
My ideal kind of dates would probably be some kind of music related things, like a gig or something, but to be honest any kind of fun activity would be better I think. Like the mini-golf or paintballing sort of stuff you see recommended quite a bit, not those specifically necessarily, just something that would be hard to not have a fun time.
I feel another advantage of stuff like that is that even if it didn't lead to future dates, it was a fun day anyway, which I can't really say after meeting for drinks.
Has anyone had any success on happn? There's something attractive about two souls crossing paths, but it feels very chance that it would work.
Also, I so wish there were a nerd-focused dating app. I saw one called Nerd Alert, but it had literally zero ratings.
Also, I so wish there were a nerd-focused dating app. I saw one called Nerd Alert, but it had literally zero ratings.
In this category pool is my absolute fav
Happn is just kinda shit as an app in my experience.
That's a good shout! I sometimes wonder at times if activity dates might sound a bit much, especially if we haven't been talking too long, but pool is casual enough while also being fun.
Last edited:
I started using Tinder but I don't like how it's all about pictures and not personality.
I'd like to match with people based on shared interests. Is the OkCupid app like that?
I'd like to match with people based on shared interests. Is the OkCupid app like that?
In my experience, the looking for/superficiality hierarchy is something like this (of the big three)...
Hinge
↓
↓
Bumble
↓
↓
↓
↓
↓
Tinder
I greatly prefer Hinge for this very reason. Tinder just feels like swiping through random people who could be anybody and I really don't like it, but Hinge profiles have more personality and more things to talk about in my experience. I've also had more dates on Hinge despite having way more matches on Tinder.
Yes. OKCupid actually gives you space to show who you are and what you like.
It's unfortunate that in recent years they've felt the need to turn into the other dating sites
OKC > Hinge > everything else.
Depends on the person and the vibe. Coffee mostly sucks as a date. Bars with a pool table or even a Barcade is fun. Or if you have a "pier" type thing close to where you live
It really depends on the person you are meeting up with. You could try a museum/Gallery. Just have fun with it
I just realized that there is no point in wasting your time writing personalized messages on dating sites because if someone finds you attractive they'll probably reply even if you send them a single emoji.
Oh and found these today:
Now I have to worry about my hand movements?
Oh and found these today:
Now I have to worry about my hand movements?
Last edited:
I just realized that there is no point in wasting your time writing personalized messages on dating sites because if someone finds you attractive they'll probably reply even if you send them a single emoji.
Oh and found these today:
Now I have to worry about my hand movements?
I was looking through Hinge last night. Shit is fucking awful. These questions got people posting the stupidest shit. I think I like the more vapid approach of bumble or tinder just so I dont gotta pretend looks aren't the primary reason I'm swiping regardless.
So the girl who cancelled our weekend date and said she'd get back to me that day to reschedule finally texted me. She said a lot but it basically boiled down to that she's really busy with work and can't easily schedule any dates in the near future. So that's done. I guess it's for the best, even though we went out 3 times, it was going so slowly.
Second girl who I asked out for a 3rd date last week is still on radio silence. I don't know if I should poke her with another text just to see if I can resuscitate things or just realize I'm ghosted and move on.
This is pretty frustrating. I've been talking to and going out with these two people for a month now so for them both to just completely fall through at the same time makes it feel like I've wasted so much time. Back to square one.
Sorry to hear that, man. Sometimes when it rains, it pours - and it goes both ways :/
At least you know you aren't compatible with these two. And it didn't seem like you were particularly excited by either of them, anyway.
OKC moreso than other apps - but a huge component to matching with others through online dating is based on pictures/physical attraction. Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge are also worth checking out if you want something a bit more wholesome. But regardless of which app you pick, and how great your written profile is, try to get comfortable with the fact that pictures are key the majority of the time, and there's a level of superficiality you can't avoid. It's the cost of convenience.
I've had dates through many types of dating apps. I find the the quality of my dates isn't at all dependent on which app I met them on. They're all just tools to meet people and go on a first date to see what the person is actually like, and if there's a connection there.
Best benefit to reading a person's profile is detecting red flags or major incompatibilities immediately to avoid wasting time talking to them.
Feel you, man. Most of the time, I find my dignity more important than sending out that one final text. Doing it always left a bad taste in my mouth. Was there anything you think you messed up, or just incompatibility? From your previous posts, seems like the latter, so just unlucky. Hope the dates were fun at least.
Arcades, mini golf, pool, bowling have been my favourite dates. I once did an escape room first date, that was loads of fun so even when it didn't work out, was super memorable and fun.
Took a date to the aquarium once. That was a super fun date even though it didn't go any further than that date.
Cool, I have all those available locally so hopefully I'll be able to easily suggest doing something along those lines next time :)
I imagine an escape room would either be brilliant or go completely awfully, no in between lol.
Take my date to a concert last night (she's never been to a rock show) and we held hands and shit but I'm really pining for this other girl who I've seen twice. Creeping feeling that the girl I really like is gonna ghost me, and I feel terrible about "settling." Limerance is a bitch.
You... have a point there. I mean, I was attracted to them but there wasn't any energy there between us. I guess all my pondering about how to make a romantic atmosphere out of the dates was really just a sign that there was no chemistry.
This honestly has me thinking back to my ex and how it was for our first few dates. I was definitely excited and the chemistry was effortless. Ugh.
Yeah, considering my last text to her is asking her out on a specific day, I think I'll maintain my dignity by not sending another text.
I don't feel like I did anything off-putting but honestly it's hard to tell. When you get ghosted you start to think that everything you did was wrong, you know? I think the major hurdle with both girls were the dates. Like lunch dates, breakfast dates... it was hard to build a romantic atmosphere as I've said but also I feel like neither girl really had time to date (or at least date me). The one dinner date I had with one of them was going really well and getting a bit romantic (leaning in, smiling/eye contact/flirting) until she said she could only stay 15 more minutes because she had work things to do. And it was like that for all the dates I had with both of them. They all only lasted about an hour to an hour and a half because they had something they were doing after. It really felt like I was being squeezed in to a packed schedule and that's just really hard to work with romantically.
Not a leading question, but how romantic do your first dates typically get? It's been very light flirting for me and 95% just getting to know the other person. I've been on a brunch date before and it went pretty well in that department. But yeah, having every date being that would be difficult to work with. Can't really let loose when the rest of the day is ahead of you. That said, what did they do that they were busy all the time? I guess some professions can really be just that busy. Like I can't imagine dating a nurse would be all that simple.
That's my main concern. Like, sure, there has to be pictures of some sort but I'd like check for red flags or just overall shared interests before I initiate contact. (I present as female and I date men if that helps with the context.) I'd like to avoid creeps.
My first dates don't usually get romantic at all though I never really aim to make them romantic. Like you said, it's more about just trying to get to know each other. It's really the second date where I want it to get a little more romantic. Like touching, more eye contact, flirting, etc. My successful 2nd dates have always included some making out at least but I don't expect it. I do kind of expect the person to at least want to kiss me even if it's just a peck.
As for your other question, one of the women had a full-time job but also did freelance and community work so she basically had 3 jobs. I really don't hold it against her for being too busy; I could tell she was really trying but I just don't think she has time to date at all. The other woman was a grad student, so yeah...
It's really funny too because I started dating them within a week of each other and the progression and problems of both basically mirrored each other then things ended with both within the same week. I guess I must attract really busy women or something cause it feels like a cruel joke otherwise haha
You can get that from just chatting to the people in the app, ask them questions etc, don't give out your number and if you don't like what they're saying just block them in the app. I agree though, more info upfront the better/less time wasted.0
You guys may laugh at me for this one but I want to ask anyway:
For 3 weeks I was chatting on a regular basis with a woman who recently got out of a very long relationship that ended traumatically for her. Our conversations started casually enough about the troubles of getting back in the game in the age of online dating (this was on a dating site) but quickly turned more personal, to the point where we were sharing intimate details about previous relationships, childhood, etc.
There was a level of sincerity and openness to our chats (usually lasting several hours and into the night) that I very rarely get to have with people I've just started to get to know and it was pretty great.
3 days ago I started to feel an attachment forming and it scared me a bit. I asked her if we were ever going to meet and she said she didn't know, which hurt my ego a bit. I said I don't understand the point of going on chatting with no intention to ever meet and she replied that in that case we should regrettably stop chatting.
I explained that I only drew the line because I had gotten scared of getting too attached and while she agreed that's perfectly reasonable, said I drew it too soon for her and that we should discontinue chatting. She apologised sincerely and in detail.
From personal experience I know that it's rare for me to find a person with whom I can share such open and sincere conversation and regret the way things ended. I say this because the obvious reply to a post like mine would be to "move on", which I have, but the regret remains.
Is there anything I can write to express this and try to get us chatting again? I don't have any hidden agenda beyond getting to know this person more, regardless of whether or not that leads anywhere in the future.
The duration of our communication makes this problematic in my opinion as 3 weeks is neither here nor there. Regardless of what she says I think it will be a while before I meet someone else with whom there is a similar connection.
For 3 weeks I was chatting on a regular basis with a woman who recently got out of a very long relationship that ended traumatically for her. Our conversations started casually enough about the troubles of getting back in the game in the age of online dating (this was on a dating site) but quickly turned more personal, to the point where we were sharing intimate details about previous relationships, childhood, etc.
There was a level of sincerity and openness to our chats (usually lasting several hours and into the night) that I very rarely get to have with people I've just started to get to know and it was pretty great.
3 days ago I started to feel an attachment forming and it scared me a bit. I asked her if we were ever going to meet and she said she didn't know, which hurt my ego a bit. I said I don't understand the point of going on chatting with no intention to ever meet and she replied that in that case we should regrettably stop chatting.
I explained that I only drew the line because I had gotten scared of getting too attached and while she agreed that's perfectly reasonable, said I drew it too soon for her and that we should discontinue chatting. She apologised sincerely and in detail.
From personal experience I know that it's rare for me to find a person with whom I can share such open and sincere conversation and regret the way things ended. I say this because the obvious reply to a post like mine would be to "move on", which I have, but the regret remains.
Is there anything I can write to express this and try to get us chatting again? I don't have any hidden agenda beyond getting to know this person more, regardless of whether or not that leads anywhere in the future.
The duration of our communication makes this problematic in my opinion as 3 weeks is neither here nor there. Regardless of what she says I think it will be a while before I meet someone else with whom there is a similar connection.
Last edited:
If you've been talking in detail and been completely honest with each other so far, then maybe just tell her outright that you would like to continue chatting? Basically what you said here...
just rephrase that a bit into a message to her, saying you regret how things ended the other day and would like it if you could go back to how things were before then as you really enjoyed talking to her.
If you're ok with staying as chatting buddies for the foreseeable future, go for it. Maybe suggest a video call? If she accepts, maybe she'll start getting comfortable and possibly lead to a date.
Don't read too much into the crossing paths part; the radius wherein you're crossing with someone is quite large (seems like a couple hundred meters at least). When you're done swiping on people you crossed paths with, the app will show you other people in the area, just like Tinder.
Like others said, the app isn't all that great, but it mostly works. The only reason I keep using it is because it's quite popular in my country, and it's seen by some women as a more serious alternative to Tinder. I have about as much success on there as Tinder, so I use them both.
Let's see if she's even interested in resuming regular text conversations.
And if she doesn't, don't be disappointed because it didn't go anywhere.
I can't help but feel like I could have handled this better, but if she doesn't want to continue then it wasn't as meaningful to her as I'd thought.
Could be just one of those times where you finally get excited about someone and it isn't mutual.
Edit: meanwhile I was having a perfectly normal conversation with another woman and she messages me only to block me a moment after.
Sometimes it's tough for me to wrap my head around just how different the experiences of men and women can be, crushing loneliness vs. feeling overwhelmed with attention.
Last edited:
Don't get too hung up on how long you've been chatting. Sometimes you just "click" with someone in a really short period of time.
As others have said, if you want to keep chatting to her be honest and tell her you realize you made a mistake and would like to continue chatting. To add to that, she probably (rightly) felt pressured by wanting to meet up given her circumstances. If she is willing to continue talking with you my advice would to just be present and let her dictate the pace. Don't worry too much about where things are heading and just be in the moment more and enjoy yourself.
If you had a good connection going she'll let you know when she's ready to meet up in person.
Thanks for the reply. I sent her a message earlier today so the only thing to do now is wait. My experience tells me I won't be hearing from her but we'll see, she's surprised me in the past.
If it's any sympathy, my ex and I had a similar thing before we actually started dating where we were talking almost daily online for about a month or two before I pushed to meet in person. She agreed to meet and everything went well I thought. But she clearly wasn't ready (she had gotten out of a traumatic relationship within the year or so prior) and I didn't understand that and ended up scaring her off. About 9-12 months later she contacted me, apologized for how she handled herself, and asked if we could resume chatting.
You've done the hard part which was to admit you were wrong and to leave the door open for her. It's rough doing the waiting thing especially when you had a really good thing going, but it's up to her at this point. You've done all you can do. I sincerely hope that she reaches back out to you at some point.
Thank you sincerely for the kind words. I wasn't expecting so much support!
Whoa, I really didn't think something like that even happens. Only on TV/movies I usually figured even if things go well, once things break apart, they're gone for good.
I'm always confused by the amount of girls "looking for friends" on Tinder. Seems to be way more than usual for me too. Is it just some sort of way to deter certain types of people or are they really trying to find friends of Tinder of all things?
maybe there's not that many people on friendship only sites?
I suppose so. I wonder how successful they are finding people on Tinder who want friends instead of, you know, what Tinder is for. Bumble has a friendship mode, so it seems that would be more useful.
Part of me was kind of thinking back to a topic that came up here earlier about girls saying "let's go out as friends." Made me wonder if this was just the bio version of that. Like, they are actually looking to date people but they want it to start from a friendship where they "see what happens." At the end of the day, I swipe left on these profiles but I've just been seeing so many of them that I've gotten curious.
Several dates in a row now where things were ended after the second date because she wasn't feeling chemistry, and it's starting to feel pretty frustrating. In each case I wasn't feeling anything beyond physical attraction either to be honest, but I probably would have held out longer to see if there was anything more there.
I know that this is just how online dating goes, but it's hard not to wonder if it's something about me or my approach. Ugh.
I know that this is just how online dating goes, but it's hard not to wonder if it's something about me or my approach. Ugh.