I haven't done that because I heard that method doesn't work anymore and Tinder remembers you. I used to do it a couple years ago when I used Tinder every 2-3 weeks. That's how bad it was haha
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Yeah, if they hesitate or doesn't respond within a few hours about plans already made, it's already over. She may try another date to see if it can be salvaged or because she lacks the confidence to tell you outright.
Sorry.
She told you she has a boyfriend. So platonic. Else you're wasting your own time and not respecting the boundary she set up.
I guess I'm a bit confused here. You're asking if you should keep it platonic or... go get drinks with her? Is that implying that the drinks are romantically motivated?
If you genuinely want a friendship with her, then it's fine to pursue that but if you're hoping something more could come of it, leave it be.
Yeah this is how I feel too, mainly because I don't ever want to put someone on the spot, I've only asked a girl out to a second date on the first only once but only because the first date went so absurdly well.
Other than that, I want to be able to give them the opportunity to safely say no at home versus putting them on the spot.
Wat lol? She most likely just wants a friend with similar hobbies lol. If she was trying to branch away she wouldn't have told you about a boyfriend lol.
It's absolutely manipulative, but I'm used to it from the big hitters. It's actually why I paid for the premium version of Hinge, because I wanted to give money to the one app that doesn't pull this stuff.
I'm not sure about Tinder, but Bumble actually has a specific response about this. They remember you to an extent, and will punish those repeatedly making new accounts. However, they are fine with deleting and remaking every once in awhile, whatever that means.
second this. Proceed with caution. Just be friends. Maybe you want more but your not going to do yourself an favors anyways by being pushy, just enjoy the time and who knows maybe you'll make a cool friend!
Ah. Well I'll try with new everything, pics and number, and see how it goes.
Eh, wording. It's just there as a placeholder for a contrasting non-platonic interaction. I am not hoping for anything. My perspective is such that if we were just friends that's cool.
I am also aware that the disclosure of a preexisting relationship without further context is not a de facto exclusion for some romantic pursuit. I have been involved with women who were upfront about their relationship status, only to have them disregard those factors upon meeting. Situations where I did not pressure progress in a sexual direction.
I guess I just wanted to hear from perspectives other than my own.
Well in that case, keep it platonic, bud. Don't be an ass.
My g/f and I are going on six months and we met through Bumble. She was one of the easiest people with whom to communicate on the app in all the years I dated through it. So after years of doing apps/sites and having a great relationship with her, and knowing what I know now versus the early days of using apps:
Don't overthink it. I know the feeling of anxiety pretty well with this stuff, but either she's busy because something sudden happened (which does happen), or she's not interested. There's really nothing to feel anxious about because she's likely not thinking about whether or not to go or whether or not the time works; she'd have messaged you back if she was interested. Heck, she probably would have shot you a text if she just didn't receive your text yet (which happens but is raaarrrreeee). There's rarely actually a limbo of whether or not someone's interested from my experience.
I know that's not the answer you want to hear considering your situation with your job, but at the same time, why add anxiety on top of that? There are plenty of people on OKCupid/Bumble/CoffeeMeetBagel/etc. so best not to get anxiety over someone you went on one date with.
I guess the implication is if gimbles123 is looking for a relationship, dating someone who fools around behind their bf isn't a great way to start a trusting relationship. And if they're just wanting sex, then just sleep with anyone else that doesn't have a bf, why would you willingly want that complication?
Then again maybe she's in a open relationship.
I guess the further context here would be the possibility that they're in an open relationship? Sure, I guess that's possible and if it goes down that way, cool. If you're instead referring to people cheating on their partners with you while having full knowledge of it, well... I won't tell you what to do (cause I can't) but that's pretty shitty in my book.
Can you clarify? Are you saying that he should actively pursue someone in a relationship? Cause if that's what you're saying, that's a pretty weak excuse.
People have fallen in love with others while in relationships with people. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the point of view), being in a relationship means very little a lot of times. I'm not saying he should actively pursue anything though, all I said is that if he does do that, as long as it's consensual, of course, she was the one in the relationship and the one who wanted to cheat, or wanted out, wtv. It's not really the users place to worry about it. That's just how things go, most of the times. Of course, it's also your prerogative to chose whether you care or not, try to pursue it or not. Would I try? I barely try anything on single people, but if someone in a relationship invites me to go out and something more than friendship seems to exist, I don't think I would care.
I say this as someone who's been cheated on, take it as you will.
I think the major difference here is that he was already interested in this woman and got her number with the full intention of pursuing her romantically. It would be one thing if they were just friends and feelings just surfaced organically (and she decided to leave her BF for him) but that fact that he was already interested colors the whole situation I think. We aren't talking about "falling in love" here. I feel like asking the question of "should I be strictly platonic or try to get her out for drinks" here in this thread shows an ulterior motive to any type of friendship he's trying to establish.
Of course it's his and her's prerogative to do whatever they want which is why I said I can't tell him what to do. I'm not arguing that. I'm mainly just expressing from my point of view that I think it's an absolutely shitty move. And yes, even if it's her choice to cheat, it's still his choice to be complicit in it. I don't really believe in the "they would cheat with someone else if not me" method of absolving oneself of any wrongdoing. Of course, at the end of the day, we don't really know what gimbles is going to do. I think we're getting wrapped up in a deeper discussion that might not even be relevant.
I agree with you that it is a shitty thing to do to ask someone out that you fully know is in a relationship with an ulterior motive, it's just that in the end it doesn't matter, all that much if he's the asshole or not. Act by his own conscience.
I guess my thing is, I realize this is a dating advice thread and not a moral guidance thread but I still don't feel comfortable just being like "yeah dude, go for it!" At the end of the day, if he is going to do that, he's going to do it whether we say it's bad or not. I'd personally rather call it out than just rationalize it.
I feel you. Maybe my dating experiences just left me jaded lol
This whole thing is pretty funny in the way that your family talking about you in front of you like you're not there is.
Honestly don't know what I will do. I'm interested in her in the same way anyone would be interested in someone they find attractive. I didn't know her status when I got her #, nor have I been more than lightly flirty, which for the record is how I am with almost everyone, regardless of my attraction to them.
The amount of women who seem to like me and are also in a relationship is statistically staggering, to the point where I am often confronted with a version of this dilemma. Although usually they aren't as forthcoming with the information.
Honestly don't know what I will do. I'm interested in her in the same way anyone would be interested in someone they find attractive. I didn't know her status when I got her #, nor have I been more than lightly flirty, which for the record is how I am with almost everyone, regardless of my attraction to them.
The amount of women who seem to like me and are also in a relationship is statistically staggering, to the point where I am often confronted with a version of this dilemma. Although usually they aren't as forthcoming with the information.
It's not my fault all these women are cheating on their BFs with me, I didn't pressure progress in a sexual direction at all!
That's about where I would leave it personally. I've unfortunately been in a similar situation for a while and here's my general advice (which you can take or leave since it sounds like this isn't your first time at this particular rodeo):
I would simply just try to be friends with them primarily and put forming a romantic relationship on the back-burner. I'm a firm believer in romantic relationships being friendship++ (which is probably why I've never had much interest in one night stands or FWB arrangements) so I would take this as an opportunity to get to know them better while you have much lower stakes. If you discover there's some red flags now then it's a lot easier to just let things fade as a friend than if you were romantically involved. Of course the flip side exists where you discover that you really click without intimacy which can be an awesome feeling but it also makes everything so much more complicated (but hey, new awesome friend!). And be entirely prepared for things to not go further than friendship, which it sounds like you're already okay with.
I would also accept your current role and respect the fact that she has a boyfriend and she currently holds all the power in the dynamic between you. By this I mean two things. One, figure out what boundaries you're willing to enforce if you discover there's mutual interest on her part. Ethically you shouldn't encourage her to cheat nor should you be complicit in it. It's ultimately her decision but I would make it very clear that if she wants to date you she had better be in an open relationship or has already terminated the existing relationship. Two, as part of this you should follow her lead and let her dictate what the rules of engagement are. Like if she's only interested in talking then stick to chatting, don't try to force an escalation unless she suggests it first. But even then, know what you're willing to do and make sure you communicate that properly with her. And I would abstain from anything that's remotely date-ish. Grabbing food at a casual restaurant is probably ok, but drinks at a bar or going out for a nicer meal is off-limits. I would also let her dictate the regularity of interaction. If you're chatting try to keep interactions pretty infrequently unless she's taking the initiative to contact you more frequently. And by all means, do not be aggressive in expressing your interest in her. No attempts at getting physical, no suggesting dates, no texting at odd hours, etc. Keep it clean and above board. Even if she's mutually interested in you she still has to contend with the unfair and sexist social stigma that still comes with interating with other guys while currently in a relationship.
My last point of advice is to keep your options open in regards to other people. This woman for all intents and purposes should be off limits until she says otherwise. People are complex and relationships are never straightforward so this is a tricky situation and you really shouldn't want to be a homewrecker since you likely don't know the dynamics of her current relationship. Ultimately it's up to her to decide if she'd rather remain in her current relationship or would rather take the risk on being single or a different partner. You can't and shouldn't force her to make this decision. And you might end up waiting a good while she figures out what she wants to do. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself and your needs and if she can't give them to you then you're best finding someone who can at the moment.
Good luck navigating these tricky waters!
Even though I think helping someone cheat makes you shitty, ultimately its not anyone's responsibility but the person in the relationship's to make sure clear boundaries exist and to just not fucking cheat. Like when it comes to cheating, physical or emotional, no one makes you take those steps. The blame plainly lies with the person in the relationship.
Went on a kinda impromptu date (her word) Saturday. Had my weekly meet new friends/language practice group and ended up taking a small contingent of the group out for a few snacks and drinks at a bar. When we all decided to call it a day one of the girls who I kinda hit it off with was just gonna walk around window shopping and invited me along. Went for coffee and dinner after just on the fly and gave me her info so we could hangout again without the rest of the peeps.
Random but shes way more interesting than the people I've gone out with recently. Very much willing to see her again.
Random but shes way more interesting than the people I've gone out with recently. Very much willing to see her again.
Day 1 of my vacation, this girl I've been seeing called me at the airport just to tell me she wasn't gonna go anywhere while I was gone. Just about melted my heart! It was the first real phone call we had, too. Feels promising!!
That's the mythical "meet someone while pursing your interests" girl! Awesome that she was proactive about it. Fingers crossed for you, man!
I asked her through whatsapp if she still wants to talk about that - she does and we will the next time we see each other. Potentially in two weeks.
I've got a bad feeling about this, I don't wanna hurt her, but I also can't see a relationship with her.
Ehhh... I wouldn't say you're blameless if you intentionally go after someone in a relationship. While it's true one has no obligation or responsibility to the relationship itself, that doesn't make the person a passive or faultless party. I feel that when people who say they aren't the ones who cheated and so they carry no blame, they say it to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing or guilt. You seem to agree that, no, it still makes them a shitty person. Who cares if it's not their relationship they're screwing with, they're still doing it. At that point, I fail to see how the fact that you have no obligation or responsibility to that relationship matters from a moral standpoint.
I separated from my partner of 10 years during late 2019 and, after some careful consideration and a lot of advice from friends, decided to try some apps: namely, Tinder, Happn and OKCupid.
I already uninstalled them all, but what a ride this month and a half has been. I can´t really complain about the lack of likes and matches (I got several fun chats and two extremely interesting dates during this relatively short time: one was a disaster, the other was excellent), but on a psychological / sociological level this has been very interesting.
I already uninstalled them all, but what a ride this month and a half has been. I can´t really complain about the lack of likes and matches (I got several fun chats and two extremely interesting dates during this relatively short time: one was a disaster, the other was excellent), but on a psychological / sociological level this has been very interesting.
You sir are a paragon of objectivity. I will take all your notes into account. She won't (can't) have all my attention, I don't like dealing with people in relationships as I am naturally pretty forward/flirty and often that is received (reasonably) as abject interest. At least in the early stages when there isn't as much familiarity with the individual and things are more likely to be misinterpreted.
So why have you installed them all? From what you're saying it sounds like this has been a positive experience for you.
3 good dates in 8 days on the apps with 3 more on the calendar.
Any thoughts if I should go paid on any of the apps? I've gotten some discount offers.
Any thoughts if I should go paid on any of the apps? I've gotten some discount offers.
Well I said it makes you an asshole lol.
I mean, the blame still lies on the party who formed the social contract of a relationship. There isn't any contract between random people making sure you uphold your responsibility to your party
It means aim your anger at the person that betrayed your trust. Like doing a shitty thing doesn't make someone the party to blame when shit falls apart. I dont think there is any moral responsibility to try and uphold someone elses shit. Being a willing accomplice is certainly shitty but you dont owe the person anything.
Oh I know you said that. My point was more that I don't see any reason to make a distinction between being an asshole and technically not having a responsibility to another person's relationship. Like, ok you didn't break anyone's trust... you're still a massive asshole in this. Assign the blame however you want, doesn't change that. It has nothing to do with owing people anything. You can be a dick to total strangers willingly.
I'm not speaking from the perspective of the person who was cheated on in this hypothetical scenario. I'm just saying it's morally wrong from any perspective. I feel like people (not you) too often use the excuse that it's not their relationship to say they didn't do anything wrong while they still actively try to insert themselves into it.
Main difference to me is that being an asshole is not a moral failing on the same level as cheating. I certainly think injecting yourself in someone's relationship to try and fuck it up is wrong and you're a dick if you do it. But not for the same reasons that cheating is wrong. Breaking a social contract like a relationship is next level for me. You don't fuck up someone else's relationship. They fuck it up themselves. You're shitty because you're trying to ruin something someone has going on for your own benefit but your not responsible for keeping it together either. I find that distinction important.
Trying to fuck up someone's shit for you're own personal gain has always been poor behaviour in all facets of life. Work, social, sport etc. That's why you suck ass if you do it. Like personally, I have a friend who helped this girl cheat on her guy and we dog him for it cause you're just a bad guy if you are out here doing that. But like, I don't actually give a fuck about the girl and the guys relationship. That's there shit. I don't care about it at all frankly.
I did a bad job of explaining myself. I agree cheating is definitely worse. The two things definitely aren't the same level of bad. There is a distinction, I just meant that being that dude who goes after someone in a relationship is morally wrong to the level that I don't think you deserve any concessions.
People who seek to lessen the shittiness of their actions often will refer to a worse action someone else took and Im just like... yeah I don't care, you're still an asshole. I'm going to regard a cheater the same as I would someone who tries to get people to cheat.
I ultimately uninstalled them mainly because of the following reasons...
OKCupid: Too poligamy / non-monogamous / pansexual / hyper-academic / hyper-artistic oriented. Too many poseurs. I work in academia, and many students of mine use it. I did get a legendary-level date out of it.
Happn: I currently live on a relatively low-density area, where I can´t get the most out of it. Even when I used it downtown, it hasn´t been useful; I guess I could give it another chance. As with OKC, being a professor I can´t really risk using it at my workplace.
Tinder: The simplest and most popular of them all, I believe. My expectations were low, but a few weeks ago I met a very interesting woman through it, and now we are slowly but steadily knowing each other.
I deactivated (but not erased) my profiles, for now.
How many dates per day do you need to be satisfied? Sounds like you're doing fine without paying a cent.
Well, to my surprise she actually texted me back this week and we're doing happy hour next week. It's still not explicitly a date but I plan to be upfront that I'm interested.
Would the person still use the same excuse if Brad Pitt was asking them out?
What do you do in scenarios like this where you have a decent gap between meets? I feel like its difficult to keep an engaging text string for a week. Especially if you're not yet familiar with the person.
That's a tough one. You kind of have to read the other person and their texting rhythm. Some people are really chatty and you just go with the flow no problem. With the girl I mentioned above, she never texts me during work; only in the morning or at night so I'm often waiting over 8 hours for a text back. That's fine by me because I don't feel like I need to immediately get back to her either. That means we can have a conversation of few messages that's stretched out over several days. We're not fully engaged with each other but it's like just enough to stay on the radar.
One time, I had to wait a week for a date with this girl because it was Thanksgiving week. I didn't text her until Thanksgiving, which happened to fall right about in the middle of that week so I sent her a picture of my plate with some dumb joke and wished her a happy Thanksgiving. We exchanged a few messages that night and then I didn't text her again until the day before the date to confirm. So like, you can sometimes just text a little halfway through.
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Thanks, I'm great in person, but my text game is eh because unless its flirting (i.e. personal) I'm not really interesting in messaging other than to coordinate the date etc. Mentally it feels like a necessity because you want them to be thinking about you; not sure if this is the wrong mindset. Usually not a problem because you can schedule accordingly, but for the times when its further out its kinda dreaded.
Yeah. I guess I am doing fine. It just seems like I was running out of recommendations quickly. But now I have about 12 matches and that's a lot to juggle for me. Wish me luck. Going solo to some concerts this weekend too to try meeting people.
I'm going to a gig alone for the first time next week, do you find it a good way to meet people?
Sort of. Tonight's show was seated and there was a beautiful woman near me and we sort of eye flirted all night which was nice. At a general admission show, you can always start conversations with anyone. "Amazing solo right?" "Have you seen this band before?" Stuff like that. Absolutely not recommending you start, but it's super easy to have long conversations while outside smoking. I suppose you could just hang out there or vape/smoke weed instead. And at a show you usually have something in common with the person.
Cool! Yeah it seems like it should be easier than normal since there's something to start talking about that you know you both like. I wont start smoking, lol, but hopefully there'll be plenty of time to hang out and relax before, after and between bands. Hopefully this will be the start of going more often, so maybe I'll start seeing and recognizing people over time and make new friends, and even if I don't I'll be having a good time which is the main goal anyway.
I like any music, but I started going to jam band shows. You'll see familiar faces and there are shows all the time. It's a very friendly and inclusive scene. Don't worry about the drug use. I'm a couple weeks sober and everyone is supportive.
I think I'm gonna give dating apps a break for awhile. I feel like I could use it. Between the lack of matches, me not feeling recent dates, or girls messing around and not feeling like they're being serious. Usually I feel better after taking a break anyways.
That sounds good! I'm hoping the kind of music I'm into would lead to seeing some regulars and maybe become part of the scene. Just have to wait and see I guess!