-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
I'm not going to be that devasted if it doesn't happen, just figured I'd try since I'm off all week. It's cuffing season. Worst case scenario, I have a good ol platonic time.
Pretty much where I'm coming from.
Pretty sure it's a winter thing. Not saying it doesn't start in Fall, but where I live, it JUST started getting cold like 2 weeks ago.
Just gonna try to be more social this week.
Hello!
I have a bit on an issue. It happens every damn winter.
See, the thing is that dating is easy in the summer. You meet someone and you can go eat at a restaurant and take a walk, play sports if you want, hike, whatever. There are so many activities to choose from.
But when winter comes around I'm always out of ideas. Especially since it's -30 degrees celcius for the next two weeks. The girl I met asked if I wanted to go out for a date next week, and I said yes. Besides seeing a movie and going to a restaurant, I have no idea what we can do. This happens every damn winter.
I also don't want to invite girls or guys at my place after the first date because I am someone who is kinda slow with things, and having someone at my place is something that should happen after at least a couple of dates.
Do you guys have any suggestion of activities I could suggest? Anything that doesn't involve freezing to death would be appreciated!
I have a bit on an issue. It happens every damn winter.
See, the thing is that dating is easy in the summer. You meet someone and you can go eat at a restaurant and take a walk, play sports if you want, hike, whatever. There are so many activities to choose from.
But when winter comes around I'm always out of ideas. Especially since it's -30 degrees celcius for the next two weeks. The girl I met asked if I wanted to go out for a date next week, and I said yes. Besides seeing a movie and going to a restaurant, I have no idea what we can do. This happens every damn winter.
I also don't want to invite girls or guys at my place after the first date because I am someone who is kinda slow with things, and having someone at my place is something that should happen after at least a couple of dates.
Do you guys have any suggestion of activities I could suggest? Anything that doesn't involve freezing to death would be appreciated!
Museum, art gallery, concerts, Nigntclub, bars, aquarium, indoor sports depends what's in your area really.
Aw buddy, that's sad as hell. There's plenty of people willing to fuck at bars.
Concert, concert, concert!
Tinder it up.Get your first sexy time out of the way. Then work on yourself and figure out who you are as a single person. Its a fun process. Try and reconnect with friends you havent seen in ages.
Nah ... I'll definitely pass on the bar.
What the ex post sounded like to me must've sounded much worst to you guys because I really don't see the big deal.
Careful though, that can easily backfire. Not everyone can just jump on tinder and get immediate or even relatively quick results. You can go months without meeting someone. Probably better to work on yourself before even thinking about the dating part. Tinder can wreck your self esteem if you haven't built up yourself.
Wait, so you're saying people don't give each other a Dirty Sanchez regularly?
;)
Yeah, quick success isn't a given, but it is good to get over the hump and push for "sexy time" early. During the start of this recent batch of dating (last 18 months or so), I was definitely more aggressive at dropping things after two dates when I wasn't really feeling it, when it probably would have been more healthy to date widely even when I wasn't really emotionally invested.
It did take some time to even get that point, though. When I first moved into the city, I think I went on like 15 to 20 coffee/drink dates before actually going on any 2nd date. I didn't have my shit together, and it took me a while to lose weight, dress better, be more relaxed on dates, avoid faux pas, etc.
Abuse the ability to make a new profile whenever possibly. Get new pics, revise your text, etc.
It depends on your population density and demographics as to which dating app will be the best.
Last edited:
31 isnt bad for tinder. I live in a metro area and did pretty well with it all this year. Maybe tweak your pics a bit and see what happens.
I suppose your mileage may vary. I took a few months off after breaking up with my ex before getting on Tinder and it took over half a year after that before getting even a single date. Put in a lot of effort and to not get results really hurt my self esteem for a bit. It was frustrating enough as is, if I had been in the state of mind that I was immediately after my breakup, it probably would have been even worse. Pushing for a hookup was very much the opposite of what I needed at the time. And the person in question says they have depression so trying to get laid quick off tinder might not be the best choice.
I guess it depends what the problem is. I kind of swore off hookups for a while, but it can be healthy to get over hangups and can help make somebody recently back on the dating scene catch up with the range of normal/common behavior (and I mean that very loosely -- there is real "normal" for dating and experience.)
I haven't had a lot of luck on Tinder, but again, it depends where you live. Tinder is very local, very diverse, and skewed and setup for short initial dates & drinks, while something like PoF or OKC was good for longer distances and longer dates.
It can take a lot of experimentation to find the right app for the right scenario and circumstance. I'd have been a lot worse off if I had tried to exclusively use Tinder back during graduate school and when I was living in the suburbs.
Last edited:
Oh yeah a hookup can be healthy for sure. I'm more talking about if you can't easily hook up with someone. Some people can get a tinder or any other app and have 5 dates set up in a week with 10 more conversations going. Others might be lucky to match 2 people a week, let alone even get a response. Apps like Tinder can really wreck your self worth if you're not popular on them. You need to have a strong sense of not giving a fuck to not get down over dating apps and sometimes being fresh out of a relationship is the hardest time to have that.
It doesn't always have to do with location either, I live in a major city. There's never a shortage of people to swipe, only a shortage of people interested in me. And that stings more, I can't write it off as there just not being enough people. You start questioning if it's just you when there are so many people you run out of likes before people to swipe on.
Not to tell a sap story, I didn't just sit there feeling sorry for myself (well I did for a little bit from time to time). I kept working at it and it's just now paying off a little bit. I don't think I could have handled it when I had just broken up with my ex. I was a wreck and had to work on myself. So yeah, I just say be careful in that regard and don't expect it'll be as simple as getting a tinder and getting sexy time out of the way. If it does work out though, great!
As of recent, after seeing a few of my friends getting into a loving relationship, I have develop a bit of green envy and always wanted to go back into dating. However, a mixture of me being mostly an indoor type of guy, being a former abuser (mentally) that makes me feel like I should never deserve to have another relationship and that I'm way too content with my single life is just preventing me from putting in the effort to find a partner.
It's a shame really. I want one, but at the same time, I can't have one due to certain factors, but also don't want one because I'm most happy not having to compromise on anything.
Granted, the last time I've had a relationship was 4 years ago, and before then, I was in a six year relationship. So maybe I've just accepted the fact that I'm single and refuse to make any changes to my life, plus I feel don't deserve one because of my past history.
Would be nice if I can experience another relationship, but it feels like I don't 'want' it enough. What would you say in my position?
It's a shame really. I want one, but at the same time, I can't have one due to certain factors, but also don't want one because I'm most happy not having to compromise on anything.
Granted, the last time I've had a relationship was 4 years ago, and before then, I was in a six year relationship. So maybe I've just accepted the fact that I'm single and refuse to make any changes to my life, plus I feel don't deserve one because of my past history.
Would be nice if I can experience another relationship, but it feels like I don't 'want' it enough. What would you say in my position?
I agree with therapy/counseling. It can be very helpful to talk with somebody about issues.
Well, its pretty easy to do ... Would you like getting a bottle of wine and going to my place ?
There. One thing to remember is that your romantic prospect will really like when you speak your mind, otherwise it's giving the vibe of you not being confident enough to simply ask.
Sex doesn't need to happen, you can simply make out / connect intimately in an acceptable way for her
If it's a response to me, I already sought out counselling on different occasions for some of my other issues.
I just feel like therapy and counselling over relationship anxiety and being envious of other people's relationship sounds petty since really, a relationship shouldn't be a fundamental of my life.
It's more of a want than a need.
I think companionship and acceptance are often acknowledged as emotional needs, not just emotional wants.
Sounds like you got your priorities straight, now you just need to rewire your "old" ways of thinking. Like, write down things you really don't like about yourself. That abusive behavior, list it all, and work on it, one step at a time
It's easier with a therapy / counselling on the side because the person in charge can send you to places you weren't aware of. Can bring you going to charities or stuff like that, if you have to learn how to completely put your own ego on the side, so you can fathom how hard it is for others.
It's hard to let go of control, power and whatnot. But at the same time, having a bit of an ego is not too bad, aslong as you understand what parts of it are important
Meant to reply to this sooner but I've been busy travelling back to Brighton.
I can see what you're saying. I mean, it's just based on my personal experience. I guess it wasn't fair to say that in general, I find female advice better, there's a lot of things I ask my male friends for. But personally, for me there's been a lot of things that happened in relationships that I didn't really understand. I had spoke to males about it and they just gave pretty generic advice, like when my relationship was breaking down with my fiance, I explained that to a couple of male friends, and they just told me to stick at it and try and make things work, wait for her feelings to return. Then I explained it to my sister, and she explained how I acted earlier on in the relationship likely caused my partner to move away from me as a means of protecting herself (I told her I didn't want to marry her anymore, and we needed to work things out). My sister just explained things in a way that made a lot of sense, and actually gave me something I could have acted on (though by that time, I had given up on the relationship too).
Same with dating recently. Quite a few times I've had weird interactions with girls that I've not really understood, and mentioned it to male friends who have offered no good advice, then I mention it to a female and they're like, 'oh, she's behaving like that because of this, lots of girls do that' and it's something I hadn't even considered.
But you're right that it's probably just a personal thing (as it is for you with men). For me, I just tend to be quite close to a lot of good women, and they're very open with me about their feelings and relationships, so that helps me be open with them. With guys, I'm not so close to as many guys, particularly regarding their relationships and dating, so they're not as open, and don't offer as good advice. When I speak to friends they're often more interested in bragging about their sexual encounters. Many of them have spoken to me about not really understanding my perspective in relationships, and the fact that I don't fear commitment like they do. On the other side of my life, speaking to games industry folk, many of the more senior people have have wives / partners and they've been together for a long, long period of time, so it's hard to get good dating advice from them that's relevant to today. Many of them have never used Tinder or anything like it, for example.
One of my housemates is really helpful though, his names Martin, he's a gay guy and I can speak openly with him. He's pretty good with fashion too and I often ask him how I look before going on a night out, date or whatever. He's a good friend, I remember when I was on my third date with this girl I'm seeing he took me to one side and cautioned me not to fall for her because he can tell I get attached quickly, and he doesn't want me to get hurt. It kind of made me well up a little bit that he actually thinks about things like that - I think that's the sign of a really good, supportive friend, and I just don't have many male friends like that.
its gonna sound like, awfully generic but the main dynamic is that males will take the problem on a rational point of view. While most of the times, women are doing it from an emotional place. It doesn't necessarily makes a rational sense hence why you thought the male advices were poor, since you were looking at understanding the core of the problem in whatever nature it was
But to be honest, if the girls you were dating were unable to expose it straight to you, you absolutely dodged a bullet
the "if you cant figure it out then you dont understand me" types are full of themselves. The unsaid wavelength also is purely mystical. Communication is there for a reason
I love this video because it cant be put in a better way
But to be honest, if the girls you were dating were unable to expose it straight to you, you absolutely dodged a bullet
the "if you cant figure it out then you dont understand me" types are full of themselves. The unsaid wavelength also is purely mystical. Communication is there for a reason
I love this video because it cant be put in a better way
Quint: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen-footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by lookin' from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know... was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Heh.
[he pauses and takes a drink]
Quint: They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. Y'know, it's... kinda like ol' squares in a battle like, uh, you see in a calendar, like the Battle of Waterloo, and the idea was, shark comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin', and sometimes the shark'd go away... sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. Y'know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'... until he bites ya. And those black eyes roll over white, and then... oh, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin', the ocean turns red, and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces.
[he pauses]
Quint: Y'know, by the end of that first dawn... lost a hundred men. I dunno how many sharks. Maybe a thousand. I dunno how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin', Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland- baseball player, boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up... bobbed up and down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well... he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us, he swung in low and he saw us. Young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and come in low and three hours later, a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. Y'know, that was the time I was most frightened, waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a life jacket again. So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out, and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945.
[he pauses, smiles, and raises his glass]
Quint: Anyway... we delivered the bomb.
I was just on a first date after break up and it was really simple.
- be interested in what she has to say and ask follow-up questions
- if she said something worthy of a longer conversation, weigh in
- tell interesting anecdotes about yourself once in a while when the theme fits
- don't make a big deal about it for yourself
And most importantly: if you want to ask him/her out, do. There literally are no downsides.
- be interested in what she has to say and ask follow-up questions
- if she said something worthy of a longer conversation, weigh in
- tell interesting anecdotes about yourself once in a while when the theme fits
- don't make a big deal about it for yourself
And most importantly: if you want to ask him/her out, do. There literally are no downsides.
This is all good info, but I'd even go a step further and say that all this comes naturally when on a date. If you are on a date and you need to act interested or something, then maybe you both aren't a match. And this is coming from someone with severe anxiety at times too. Seriously I know it ain't good advice when you haven't been on a date in a while, but all of this will come naturally and if doesn't, big woop, you are after getting more practice and there is plenty more fish in the sea.
Problem is asking the right questions. Making sure to avoid things that can easily be answered in one or two words.
Yeah it's interesting how it differs between our experiences. It's funny, I have a lot of female friends, I think I also just get along with them better but unlike you, I just never seemed to get decent advice from them outside of emotional support, which was appreciated but nothing I could act on. Like for example, I have a group of 3 very close female friends and when I discussed my issues getting dates, they mostly told me "girls are dumb, you're a great guy and someone will see that, just wait."
On the other hand, I have a friend who is very popular with women and goes on a lot of dates. I always get lots of great, practical advice from him; suggestions on how to approach a girl, opinions on my fashion, how I should plan the date with a lot of detail, he even has been my wingman out in public. He never really makes it about his exploits though. He's always very concerned about things working out for me. Not that he hasn't bragged but it was never when I was explicitly asking for advice. I guess it really does depend on the person.
Though based on your experiences it seems you're mostly asking relationship advice which may be more emotional than what I'm asking which is usually dating advice. That may be the real difference here.
Well my date this afternoon went really well. (It was probably our fourth time hanging out, but the first time we've called it a date). Saw I, Tonya and then got something to eat. I kissed her in the car when she dropped me off and we ended up making out for a few minutes, then I invited her up. I didn't really expect that so I hadn't bought condoms, we didn't fuck, but made out a lot and she gave me head. She seems to really like me, which scares me a bit, but I like her too. We're both off tomorrow and I know it's gonna be really tempting to invite her around again, but I feel like I should wait a little longer. Don't want to rush into things too quickly.
How nice of you to give some other dude the chance to slide in.
Depends on what you bought her but asking for gifts back is tacky as hell.
Because I am loaded and they were thoughtful gifts.
Then again someone replying with a 'lol' probably doesn't have the experience or knowledge I should be listening to.
I mean that kind of seems like your fault for spending $500.... who does that?
Edit: lol, you're more pissed at the dude typing lol because you're acting a fool spending that much than at the girl you gave the gifts to.
Yeah, take the L, and consider it a lesson learned to not spend that much money on someone you've not known for that long. Heck even serious couples that have known each other for years usually agree not to spend too much on each other for holidays (unless they're extravagantly wealthy).
This. Also I'm not sure what the question could be when the answer is "Yes, you should ask for those gifts back"
Let her keep them, you can't be generous and then petty right afterwards. She primed him with the fact she was unsure but he still proceeded.
That is definitely the attitude you want in here to get opinions and help.
Keep on digging that hole.
When you give someone something as a gift, you relent ownership of said gift and asking them back is just downright petty.
Said the guy on a thread asking for advice lacking any understanding how gifting works.
Friendly advice, other than gold diggers women aren't interested in flashy expensive gifts or whether you're loaded or not.