Discussion in 'EtcetEra' started by Salamando, Oct 25, 2017.
EDIT: I mean she wanted to know if I wanted to go to the city with her for NYE today and I just didn't really feel like it. I was like two hours driving each way and getting a hotel room just didn't seem that great for a night of partying. I have nothing better to do but just couldn't be bothered. Yeah, I guess it's obvious that we should go our separate ways.
So I had a good time with Amy over the last couple of days. I had breakfast with her yesterday, and we hung out throughout the day, went to a few bars, and then in the evening I took her back to mine around 9. We just hung out in bed, watched television, had sex whenever we felt like it, and slept. Probably stayed in bed for about 20 hours before she and I had to go (I went to go see friends in Portsmouth, and she had a night out planned with her girlfriends)
I think it's going pretty well.
Something I didn't mention before, was that I actually don't necessarily plan on staying in Brighton. I might move to Canada soon (in the next few months). I think that could be one of the reasons she's a bit worried about falling for me. On the night we met up she spoke to me about this briefly, talking about being worried about falling for me, because I'm going to move away. I told her not to worry about it, and she said 'I know how to protect my heart'.
When we were hanging out, she was often cuddling up to me, and during a couple of points I noticed her humming a song - it was Elvis', 'I can't help but falling in love with you'. She didn't generally hum anything, so I thought that was a bit weird. I got her food, and other stuff, so she didn't need to leave bed. I made her breakfast for when she woke in the morning, I knew her new shoes had given her blisters so I went to the shop and got her some plasters, as well as some icecream as I know she likes it. She mentioned "I'm so happy right now" a couple of times.
I got a taxi back to hers, left her there and went to the station to go meet my friends. But before I was about to get into the taxi she grabbed me and we made out. Then she walked away, for a moment, turned around again, and grabbed me, and made out. She did this three times before I told her I needed to get into the taxi... not sure what to think of that, it was a slightly odd but felt good.
^ You don’t know what to think of a girl wanting to make out with you? :P
For the first date I have we're all set for sushi on Tuesday. Looking forward to it, but since I haven't gone out in a year, not to mention it being a new year, just gotta remember to keep expectations in check. That said I'm fairly happy I was able to set this up since we first messaged right before I had to leave town for two weeks, so I'm kinda surprised she kept up the messaging all that time. :P
Chronospherics Sounds like she’s got the feels for you man, if you’re moving to Canada and neither of you are willing to do a long distance, maybe consider talking about what you two are and how it’s going to be going forward so that she’s not as upset when you go.
You say “I think it’s going pretty well”, but what exactly is “it”? If it’s a relationship, you definitely need to talk about moving in the future. If it’s a casual thing with NSA, then sure, that’s fine.
Also, that taxi driver is super patient lol, I probably would’ve driven off.
Well after getting dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years that I was eventually planning on marrying I don't even know how to get back into the dating scene.
Besides the awful immense awful emptiness I'm feeling literally all the time, losing my best friend (when I barely have any to begin with) really hurts. I definitely her breaking up with me was justified, I was getting too caught up in stupid shit like games that I pushed her aside without realizing it and feel like such a shitty person. The main benefit of this is I don't even care about games at all right now so I'm much more productive, but wow this feeling of dread is just the worst because it just doesn't go away.
It's been about 2 months now and I'm trying to reach on to anything on Tinder and this is just frustrating. Girls usually either don't reply and the few that do are usually don't seem to be interesting at all (typical country girl fishing, mudding, hunting lingo). The thought of starting everything over is so shitty but I also want to forget how much I love that god damn girl.
Not to mention I live in Louisiana and have trouble growing a full beard, which is something 70% of profiles mention is a must... and they mention they want people with dogs.. my landlords won't let me have pets. Fuck me. I miss being in New York where the Tinders weren't so... country.
Fishing and hunting girls actually sound pretty great. Outdoors doing things is a million miles better than just watching Netflix girls. Take this as an opportunity to just go out and have fun and stop being so negative. So what if they ask for beards and dogs? that's just a hypothetical wish list. Get a picture with a friends dog for your profile if you must.
Second, I relate to this completely, and I was there very recently - I think I even made a similar post on here a couple months ago. It sounds like the best thing to do would be to cut yourself off from dating until you’re doing well enough that you don’t feel like you’re dating to fill a void, but because you want to date. Right now there’s a heavy weight behind dating because your efforts are about getting back what you’ve lost and avoiding the emptiness and pain that comes with grief and loss. But dating isn’t going to get rid of that, only time (and work, to an extent) will. If dating is used as avoidance of grief and pain, it’s likely going to continue to be a painful process that feels frustrating and pressured. If you can date and have it be fun and not have this pressure, great - but it sounds like that’s not in the cards yet.
You talk about not wanting to start over. You’re not starting over. Your next relationship will be entirely new. You’re not replaying the old one. That one’s done. Grieve for that one until you’re ready to experience something entirely new without comparing to the last one and trying to recreate it.
Take some time for yourself, deal with the breakup, and get to a point where you’re healthy and okay with being alone. Don’t get a beard for dating if you don’t want one, don’t get a dog for dating if you don’t want one, and definitely don’t date when you need it to be successful enough that you would consider making those kinds of compromises. It sounds like this is a time when you need to just confront your grief and get healthy rather than bashing your head against this wall.
It seems like loneliness is a big element here, so use that energy you’re putting into dating toward expanding your social life instead. Find a club, volunteer, anything to meet some new people.
Im emailing my ex lol im a broken mess even after having sex with a chick I cant stop thinking about my love
Last year I was with her at this time celebrating new yeRs im a lil saucy sober not so much maybe :(
But yeah, Louisiana Tinder is weird with some strange requirements, because basically everyone down here is a manly man that's what most girls want, it's much different from what I'm used to. You're right about the starting over bit though, whenever it does happen again it'll be new without any of the baggage from before I suppose, still it sucks. 3 years, just gone.
I'd love to get a dog anyway, regardless of Tinder though, that'd help some with the loneliness too xD
Its been since Oct 28th that’s been a while yet im still fucked up since im still texting her
Im not strong she was basically my first real gf in term of long term relationship.
I had hoped she didn’t answer me back :(
Nice avatar by the way :p
Feeling like I just broke up with my girlfriend of over two years. Used to be together on the East coast but she moved away for a better job. Been trying to find work out there but it’s been slow going for about four months now.
The distance I think has fostered a lot of distrust. I won’t sit here and say I’m the perfect guy. I could have been more amicable to the kinds of things she wanted to do throughout the relationship though I thought I at least showed I was willing to be better.
But from the moment she left I think she resented the fact that I wasn’t out there with her and that I wasn’t about to promise her that I was going to be there in short order. Fact was I was trying to be a realist. This led to issues with priorities. If I didn’t call her or text her enough I wasn’t making her a priority. To be fair I had gotten into a routine. I work odd hours so I couldn’t exactly call her after her job or after mine. If I was tired after work and just planned on going to bed then she felt I was disinterested in talking. So I would FaceTime her on my off days instead of throughout the week, in which we would just text. I didn’t exactly try hard to break it since there was always something going on that I could say that I was too busy to FaceTime for more than a couple of minutes. The thought that a couple of minutes wasn’t good enough kept me from FaceTiming at all.
Things blew up a bit recently when we thought we’d be having a dinner together with her family on a trip she was taking here. I had won a trip a couple of nights before we were due to be together from a company party. I had told her of the prospects of me winning and she told me that I should go if I won. Later should would reveal to me that she regretted telling me that I should go and then turned it on me asking why I went when I knew we had plans. I likely should have declined the trip for the sake of the relationship, which in retrospect I absolutely see as an issue of prioritization and not taking her feelings more into account. Instead I treated it more like she was trying to test me and asked why she waited so long to tell me she didn’t want me to go, to which she told me she didn’t want to look like the bad guy.
This led to me making some comment about how I didn’t think either of us placed eachother as a priority, as I think I was also harboring some resentment of my own that she chose to seek out her career instead of being with me, even though I told her she should go and still feel like she made the right choice for her. I think I resented that I was essentially a fallback and she had told me straight out if she didn’t move away from here she would be absolutely miserable. If she didn’t get the job we would have moved in together, but that lingering thought would still be with me.
A close friend of my family recently passed away. When we first started dating her grandparents who essentially raised her both had passed away in shortly before. I had one previous death in my family since we started dating, one of my grandmothers. She had developed dementia and by the time she passed she had no idea who I was, and hadn’t for quite some time. It was a bit easier for me to deal with her death after accepting that the person I loved had gone from this Earth months prior. My friend’s death was much more sudden and unexpected and mhm grieving process had changed. There was about a week in between when he became ill, passed away, and then buried, all right around Christmas. Driving back from the funeral to work as I was unable to get off we talked a little bit about the service and then shifted away from talking about the funeral. After a while I started thinking back to my friends and became quiet which she took as me ignoring her. In the past I would run out of things to say and would just kinda shut down and listen to what she had going on so she figured this was a similar situation. More on this in a minute.
Fast forward to today, my best friend and his fiancé message me asking if I can come down to their new place to paint. I volunteer and head down. I message the girlfriend as I do every morning to wish her good morning and show her a picture with me and my friend painting the walls. She says hi and then things go silent. I ask two hour later what she was up to and she tells me. Conversation putters out. Eventually I head over to another friend’s house where they’re hosting a NYE party. I FaceTime the girlfriend after excusing myself from the festivities two hours before the ball drop to talk to her with my attention undivided after painting and then being social with a bunch of people I don’t see very often. She’s very short with me and upset over the fact that she thinks that I was keeping the fact I was going down to the Shore from her although it was last minute. I don’t know how to respond to that so I seize up and she hangs up. So I start texting her apologizing and explaining the situation which she counter a with telling me this is all the same song and dance of me not making her a priority; that I’ll run down at the drop of a hat to help my friends but that I don’t do enough for her. She then drops the line that she was holding a grudge over the fact that I shut down on her on the day of my friend’s death. I take exception to it, saying I won’t apologize for my feelings as they came to me that day and how dare she insinuate that I’m using my friend’s death as an excuse to not talk to her. I tell her that I never questioned how she reacted to the deaths of her grandparents or how long she’s held onto them which gives her no right to tell me how I should be handling my friend’s death. This spirals into a conversation about how I apparently didn’t show enough interest in her grandparents or slideshows she made for events honoring them, something which I honestly can’t remember her bringing up, as I’ve thought I’ve always been attentive when she’s showed me pictures of her grandparents.
And so this leads to a stalemate currently where I think both of us are just waiting to tell the other one we’re officially through. She made a threat to cancel plans we had and I called her bluff on it. So it’ll likely be a waiting game until tomorrow morning when I text her to see where we stand, if she’ll answer me. A sorry way to go for my longest relationship with someone.
Oh boy break up season is no joke. Good thing my girl is obsessed with me so I shouldn't be getting dumped any time soon.
Hey Jersey_Tom, sorry to hear about the fighting and such. Unfortunately LDR’s go downhill a lot of the time, and attacking each other probably wasn’t conducive to maintaining a healthy relationship, though I imagine you’re aware of that.
If you haven’t already you need to explain all of this that you’re feeling to your girlfriend. Make sure that if you do, you use terms like “we” and “us” to make it more inclusionary and less aggressive.
Looks like you’ve vented quite a bit there, which is fine and we’re cool with that, but is there a single particular question or a specific issue you’d like to talk about? Let us know, man.
Turning 38 I have found dating to be more and more difficult as I get older. Having never been married, have no kids and don't own a house feels like I have a scarlet letter or something.
Any suggestions from some of the older people of Reset?
Dating in 2017 brought me no success; actually. Let me rephrase- in 2017 I’ve had some really outgoing confidence, I approached the women I was attracted to, and even if every time I did it didn’t work out the way I initially hoped (mostly because they were already in a relationship); however, i’ve made a couple really great friends!
The most recent one is such an amazing person, and just knowing her is a drive to get out and find someone out there. I think i’m going to have to go and try my luck online - I’m not in any rush, and I have a full new year to get started. But I definitely think it’s time- Its finally to the point where I’m the one and only single friend lol
"Look I booked all of these in order to respect and value your time, so we re going out as planned. I'll pick you up at XXX"
If she's constantly blowing you off as you said it's simply because she knows she can get away with it, while you ll come back for some more every single time. Respect yourself a little bit and put her back in place, otherwise enjoy the unecessary dark thoughts leading to the inevitable "but why is she doing all of this, I haven't done anything wrong?!"
One step at a time to the FriendZone™
You're supposed to be your own man in the first place.
Use the "ok well let me know when you change your mind" a little bit more, and cut the conversation short. Drop the phone, don't text, don't contact her until she does after she cancels a date. That's all there is to it. And you also go back to a slow cycle of dates (1 or 2 per week top)
Not wondering what you're up to = no space created in her mind or heart = she doesn't miss you = no interest created because of the absence
Also I'm fucking tired of reading "these are games". If you cant respect yourself enough don't put your weak shit on me, ty
When you re making a plan and everything, if the girl shows flakiness it's your job to tell her that you made all the arrangements since there was an agreement. So yeah, indeed, you re going to pick her up unless she completely bails. If she does so then you re done trying until she contacts you so you can offer a date again
Now chrono is quite skilled at manipulating people and he absolutely knows by saying that since he's going away, he's not sure where it will end up
Guess what, it is scientifically proven by a LOT of easily findable studies that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. On top of that he's like "im going away soon..." which in a negotiation is the biggest power you can have since it basically tells that he's willing / able to walk away. And no one, again, is cold to that argument unless you have good reasons
So yeah, please keep your knight in shining armor's kinda comment to yourself because it shows the clear lack of knowledge you have on the field. Same as ACB
I have no respect whatsoever for people doing witch hunting for the sake of it. If anything I'm only giving straightforward feedback. The girl felt for it because of a possibility of loss, no more no less, and she wanna give a really nice memory of it all
I guess break up season is real. I wanted to have the talk with my GF since before Christmas but I thought this would be very asshole-ish. I'm trying to do it now but this gotta be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. We are only dating for 10 months, and when were on our fourth month I told her that we should just be friends (I didn't really wanted to keep her as friend either) but one thing led to another, we didn't break up, and now I'm more sure than ever that we are not going to work. She's also my first real girlfriend, what makes these things even more difficult. She was even talking about marriage some time ago! I don't even know how we got in this stage.
I'm open, as when you get to this age you have to accept that everyone has some type of baggage.
the following night while citing being tired and needing to attend to her “feminine needs”, which I imagine entails her health? Wouldn’t that appear immature? She even called during the day and asked if it was okay, giving plenty of notice and not leaving it to the last minute.
And I personally don’t know how you’d attribute those last few lines to his scenario, that’s why I thought they were odd and singled them out. “On the way to the friend zone” and “be your own man” don’t really make sense to me in the context of his posts. They don’t seem to be in response to anything specific. That’s just my take on it though, I can see we have fairly differing opinions on the scenario and what we perceive as the right way to handle it.
Is this for dating only or relationship in general? Sorry for the long wall of text, kind of a mess right now since this is my first relationship.
Had a fight with my GF on new year's eve and I'm just wondering if I'm a sensitive douchebag.
She lives in the downtown area of the city and I live on the more popular area of town which means most of the interesting stuff (malls,dating spots etc) happens near where I live. It's about 20 minutes drive from my house to hers
Even though she has a car, I usually pick her up and either take her home again or get her an uber on me. On these uber instances, she never even mentions paying it herself.
So here's where I blew up. We were going to her sister's apartment for new year's eve by the beach which is about 4-5 minutes from here. She said she'd ask for an uber, pick me up and take us there. Yesterday morning, she asked if I could get an uber myself and when asked why, she said that her sister's house is closer to her (it's about 3-4 blocks from my house) and that she'd rather me pick her up and take us there. So, to resume this, she'd rather me take a 20 minute drive to pick her up, drive her to her sister which is about 4-5 minutes from me and take her home again. Is this a complete lack of consideration? Never would I ask this of anyone but maybe i'm just too sensitive.
This happened once before and we had a huge fight about it. We arrived from the airport and she got her car. Instead of taking me home, she left me in a mall in the middle of the way and asked me to get a cab. I wouldn't mind this too much but again, i've giver her way too many rides already so this kind of thing stings a lot.
If not, then yeah I agree with you that she’s being unreasonable. In addition to that, having you pay for her Ubers instead of her paying for them herself when she doesn’t want to drive is pretty bad too. If she wants to hang around your area, she should be making a conscious effort to get there herself without relying on you to either pick her up or order her a ride every time.
Also, not taking you home and just abandoning you in a mall on the way to your place is really, really shitty behaviour, I’d be angry too dude.
You mentioned you had a fight, but have you sat her down and had a serious, calm discussion about how this is all making you feel? If so, did she cite any reasons for why she’s doing it or say that she’d change or anything?
Someone I knew basically dumped her girlfriend at the 24th, right in the evening. Day prior "I love you and we should take it further"
Day after : couldn't think of a future with you
Needless to say I didn't keep her company for much longer after. Infuriating cowardly shit
FWIW dude, it took me something like 7 months to really get over my first girlfriend after our breakup. And I agree that you should cut off contact as much as possible. It's gonna be hard, but out of sight, out of mind as they say.
Edit: Whoops, meant to quote Champa in that
To be honest the question is really why go on? Because it feels like the relationship is damaged beyond repair. Almost every time we’ve talked since the trip issue and my comment about how neither of us is eachother’s priority things just always seemed hostile between us.
We’d have momentary breaks where we’d talk about something unrelated like movies or something, but eventually it would just turn to how I let her down and I’m a problem and then I’d turn to say that she doesn’t address her feelings until they’ve reached a boiling point. Last night she told me that I was emotionally abusing her by telling her that she needs to stop just lets things fester instead of trying to solve or address an issue between us which then led to her comment about my friend who passed away.
It’s all been kind of going on like that. She’d make a comment questioning my character, I take offense and shoot back, she says I’m trying to flip issues on her and I tell her all she’s interested in is pointing the finger and doesn’t have any self-awareness herself. These were issues we were having before she moved. Not nearly as frequently but they’ve ramped up in the past few weeks.
As I mentioned, it feels like we’re both just waiting for the other one to just make the call that we’re through. When I called her bluff I told her that she’s been doing nothing but looking for reasons to break-up recently and that if she truly feels certain ways then for her to call it. Things didn’t exactly end on a definitive note so I’m still waiting to hear from her.
So like I said, if there’s any question in all of this should I just take the leap and just call it already? Because the “we” and “us” talk has been tried and doesn’t help ease the tension of a relationship where she thinks that I make it all about me and not more about her.
We’re both turning 30 in 2018 which I think exacerbates things as I think she had expectations going into the relationship that we’d settle down and start having kids around now, which clearly isn’t happening.
30 and she's acting like that. End it.
Just wanted to write a quick thing about my dating experience in 2017: It largely sucked. Up through late November I had only been on one date in 2017, with a chick from Tinder that went nowhere. Towards the last few months of the year I pretty much gave up on dating, stopped using all my apps, and bought a fleshlight. I tried to focus on other stuff that made me happy, and rediscovered my love for music. In November I reconnected with a girl I went to high school with over facebook, without any romantic intentions. We hung out as friends a couple times, slowly started getting more flirty, and hooked up between Christmas and New Years. It's too early to tell where it'll go but I'm really enjoying things with her so far and am happier than I've been in a long time.
I don't really believe that bullshit about love finding you when you're not looking for it, but this has taught me that good things can happen when you least expect it. Hope everyone has a good 2018, things can definitely turn around even if it feels awful right now.