What's up with this? The girls I meet always say this too, that they never meet guys that are serious. But I have a hard time telling if they're serious either.
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What's up with this? The girls I meet always say this too, that they never meet guys that are serious. But I have a hard time telling if they're serious either.
No idea. Like there was this one girl I went out on a date with in January. Kept asking me how my day was after that. Then when I tried to set up a second date, I kept getting wishy washy answers and I just stopped trying and she dropped off.
Yeah, same here, girl was calling me every no and again and asking me how my day was every day, texting every day, went out for vday, went very well, said it was the best valentine day she's ever had and said my gift was the most thoughtful gift she's ever gotten... and she's gone cold since then. Still said yes to a date, but her wishy washyness makes me not want to invest in her anymore... I don't want to be the only one in this.
That's how I feel really and how I've felt with some girls. I think when someone really cares about you, you'll know it, and it won't seem like a struggle.
So uh, we hung out again. It wasn't even my idea. I mentioned in a text about wanting something from this store we've both been to and she said she wanted something too and suggested we go together. It only took a bit at the store and I was hungry so I asked if she wanted to eat at this bar nearby and well, we had a really good vibe going. Like, it felt like a date. I didn't really want to push anything though because as I mentioned, she had recently broken up with her boyfriend but as we were about to go our separate ways there was this awkwardness and weird anticipation between us. Our exchange basically went like this:
Her: I had a good time...
Me: Yeah, me too. It was really nice...
Her: So... was that a date?
Me: Well, it wasn't but then it kind of became one so... yes?
Her: Would it be too awkward if we kissed?
So yeah, we kissed for awhile and it was really nice. I kept my cool but inside my head, teenage me was losing his mind over the fact that I was making out with who - now thinking back - was my biggest high school crush. I still don't quite believe it actually happened.
It's kind of a weird situation where I'm not quite sure where this will go. Thankfully, there's communication. She's still raw from her breakup which I get because I'm still not ready for anything serious after my recent break up. We agreed that we're still friends and we're not going to push for anything and give each other space as needed. Instead, we'll just let things be organic as they've been and see where they go. This is uncharted territory for me, so if anyone has any similar experience, I'd love to hear it.
I joined a local singles group on Facebook and posted a selfie shamelessly fishing for compliments. I got 4 DMs overnight.
This sounds vaguely like how things were with my ex at the start. I think she was still unsure about dating after her last relationship and I didn't want to rush things after getting dumped after about a month by the woman I had been seeing previously. So things were very much in the "are we friends or are we dating?" sphere (at least in my mind) for several months, despite my closest friend at the time repeatedly telling me "you're dating".
Given that neither of you are looking to rush into a relationship my advice would be to just continue on as you're doing and take it slow. Enjoy getting to know someone and have fun hanging out, doing activities together, and starting to build mutual trust and intimacy. Looking back on the early days with my ex, I actually found it kinda relaxing in a way because there wasn't nearly as much pressure or feeling like I was on a schedule of "we're on date X now that means we should be doing Y" in my head. This does mean there might be some delayed gratification but trust me it'll be worth the wait when you get to those milestones.
So let me get this straight. You post a selfie and people just comment what they think about you? My ego is too fragile for that.
The group is for singles in my area and everyone is kind and supportive. It's a private group and if someone was rude or mean they would probably get the boot. See if you have one and join.
Yeah I can see what you mean by delayed gratification. I don't want to jump right back into a serious relationship but at the same time I'm dealing with this loneliness. I've gone "cold" turkey on intimate physical and emotional contact since my breakup and our "date" and kiss really was the first time I got any kind of significant connection like that so I'm feeling myself really wanting more of that. I'll have to keep that in check.
Thanks, I'll keep your advice in mind!
Yup, sounds like the best play is to slow roll it. I'm in a similar position where this girl has basically signed us up for the next 5 dates already, but she still wants to go slowly before we get intimate (though we've gotten pretty close). Cool story though!! Keep us updated 👍
So I have a first date tomorrow night (dinner) and I'm a bit nervous about trying to ensure it doesnt turn into me just interviewing her all night.
Earlier in the week, I had a separate first date with someone else and it was just me asking her questions for most of the evening with her rarely asking me anything (I did pause and allow room for her).
Is there any advice or tips on how not to end up in this situation? I watched the video in the op about having better conversations but was wondering if others had tips or best practices they've used.
Earlier in the week, I had a separate first date with someone else and it was just me asking her questions for most of the evening with her rarely asking me anything (I did pause and allow room for her).
Is there any advice or tips on how not to end up in this situation? I watched the video in the op about having better conversations but was wondering if others had tips or best practices they've used.
Try to seek out commonalities in your interests. This way, you can volunteer information if they don't ask for it. Movies? Find a common genre. Travel? Find a common continent ("europe" is easy enough) or type of trip. But if she just doesn't ask you anything back ever, consider that to be on her. You can't carry dates alone.
Man, I moan about how I feel unwanted, but the moment I get a match on any sort of dating app my anxiety goes into absolute overdrive.
I push opportunities away.
Can you imagine, me? On a date? The idea is legitimately pants shittingly horrifying. I can't do it. I can't ask someone on a date.
They'd never like me. I'm autistic and awkward and weird. I just cannot reconcile with the idea that a date could go well for me.
I push opportunities away.
Can you imagine, me? On a date? The idea is legitimately pants shittingly horrifying. I can't do it. I can't ask someone on a date.
They'd never like me. I'm autistic and awkward and weird. I just cannot reconcile with the idea that a date could go well for me.
Plenty of autistic and awkward and weird people go on dates, though. You don't need to self-sabotage and catastrophise. You won't die on the date. It won't be the end of the world. One you get a date on your notch, you'll get more comfortable with time and know what to improve on.
I've been on a date once. With a friend of my sister. Disastrous.
How a date is done is rocket science to me, except there's also extreme anxiety to deal with too.
I just... can't comprehend someone ever liking me in that way. Maybe I don't think I'm physically ugly at least, but physical attraction is only a small part of this.
You've barely started, so don't be too hard on yourself. No matter your age or expertise. We all were new and in your position.
With the extreme anxiety, you need to try some relaxation or grounding exercises. Look these up. Deep breaths to lower your heart rate, focus on your environment with your senses (what do you hear? Smell? Taste?) to distract your mind, and realise even if the date gets boring or awkward, at least you can go back home and relax to what you enjoy in your free time, then try again. You will survive this.
If you like what they're wearing, compliment them on it but obviously don't get too explicit or sexual.
It might help to memorise a script if you're new to dates. Hi, what's your name? What do you do? Where do you live? How was the journey to here? This weather, huh? What do you like to do in your free time? Any favourite movies? Have you ever played any games? Do you like to travel? What's on your bucket list? And loads more questions that you can keep in the back of your mind if the conversation gets too quiet.
When you are low on confidence dating can seem like the hardest thing in the world. It was a really hard thing for me to get around at first but people like you or don't for their own reasons.
If you are looking for a relationship then the person who is right for you will like you for who you are, and you have to trust their decision making that you are someone they like. When they tell you that, just believe them.
Another hard thing is dealing with rejection. In reality If one person doesn't like you it's not a big deal, you are just closer then you were to meeting the right person for you.
Good luck. You deserve someone good. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there
But they've already matched you. They are already interested. The great thing about online dating is just the abundance of people you can meet. Don't take it too far, but there's thousands of transient people on there that you can practice your dating skills with and you'll never meet or remember. Practice your small talk with a few. Practice popping the question with some others. Fumble the actual date until you nail it. You will feel yourself improve. Just gotta overcome inertia, which is NOT EASY AT ALL. But the worst thing that can happen is a nobody on the internet has a silly story about some other dude on the internet.
It's like taking a dip in cold water. The barrier to entry seems so high. But once you get a toe in there, and then a leg, and then both legs, etc. you'll find the chill ain't so bad.
Sometimes women are very confused after a breakup/divorce/what have you (I had a similar situation with another gal who was totally into me), so I would definitely suggest, yes, play it slow and go with the flow. Don't try to rush anything or set any expectations. It's very easy to start with a plan to take things slow and then ditch it later because you feel time has passed, but at the end of the day, she has to be there, and I feel guys are more prone than ladies to rush it.
If it doesn't work, at least you didn't set high expectations or get overly committed before she was, and if it does, it'll likely be because you didn't rush it.
My one cent.
Remember that there's no commitment with the talking phase, so there's nothing to be nervous about. For me, I'm funnier in person than I am on this board, so I actually would ask ladies without profiles, "So, if you had a profile, what would it say?" and sometimes they'd unmatch, and sometimes they found that really funny (I did that with my current g/f). But that's something I do because it's me.
It's cliché, but the key is to be you. Yeah, when you first meet someone, you're not 100% in your element because you probably subconsciously act different toward certain people, and that's totally cool, but don't try to be a different character. Even people who think they're being themselves are overcompensating, being too nervous, overusing laughs in chats because they feel they have to, and it's more like, what would you say to that person if you were in person and just having a conversation?
That route works because your true self ain't gonna be hidden for long, so might as well just be you and let them like or not like you.
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I have to admit sometimes I end up matching with someone I'm not at all motivated to go through the whole process with. Sometimes I get into a mindless swiping spree on Tinder where I'm only spending like 2 to 4 seconds looking at their profile. I'm not swiping right on everyone but I'm not spending an extended amount of time considering if I think I'd go out with them. I'm mainly just deciding if I'm attracted to them and if I think they're "in my league" for lack of a better term. That will sometimes leave me with a match where I'll wonder why I just swiped right on them.
Like I matched with a girl yesterday and when I took more time to look at her profile, she didn't seem to live even close to the type of lifestyle I lived and I couldn't even imagine getting along with her. Her bio was just a link to her instagram so she's probably just looking for followers. I looked through my unmessaged matches and realized I have a few like that. Nothing of real note in their bio or photos, which means I really have to put in extra effort in messaging them and I just don't have the energy for that whole process and I just never message them haha
Yeah, I have to try not to rush things. Guess now I'm in a spot where I don't know what too much is. Like we haven't set up another time to hang out (date?) and I'm not sure if I should just do that or not contact her for a few days, maybe even a week before I try anything. At the same time, I don't want to go so slow that nothing ends up happening. I feel like striking while the iron is hot is very important.
Would you be able to elaborate on that? Like what do you mean by "she has to be there" and are you saying ditching something if it's not going as fast as you want it to?
The 'ditch it' part refers to the taking it slow plan: It's easy to start out going, "Let's just take it a day at a time and see where it goes," and then ditch that plan because the guy thinks it's going quicker than it really is. In my experience, it works better when you take it slower, feel it out, and never assume it's been long enough or you're missing an opportunity because end of the day, she has to want it as well.
I struggle with the whole "keep it slow to start" part. I feel in the past I'll always see someone I'm interested in and be like, cool, I want this to start now lol.
I can relate. I'm on the spectrum too (Aspergers), so making a first step and initiating is tough and awkward. Once I'm in a group or there's been some icebreaking, it's easier. But I'm 27 now and have no idea how'd you go about this without the common grounds of work or school
I did join a Meet-up group for horror movies, but that's like a once/twice a month, sit in a theater thing. Not much interaction or hang out, get to know people
Hey, all, saw this thread mentioned in that Discord thread and thought it would be a good time to drop by. I'm 27 now, finally on a career path to get my own place soon, so thought this might be a good place to feel things out?
I've never really tried online dating, 1) due to not being comfortable with the whole detached/impersonal approach and 2) not very good with having good-looking pictures of myself, and that seems like such a big part of that system. I guess I still have that naive(?)/hopeful vision of being to meet someone naturally through similar interests (movies, museums, etc) instead of what sounds like a soul-crushing meatgrinder, aka online dating.
Also doesn't help that I'm on the spectrum, so initiating friendships can be awkward and hard even if I really want to. Outside of the already existing network of work, not really sure how you'd go about breaking the ice with strangers
I've never really tried online dating, 1) due to not being comfortable with the whole detached/impersonal approach and 2) not very good with having good-looking pictures of myself, and that seems like such a big part of that system. I guess I still have that naive(?)/hopeful vision of being to meet someone naturally through similar interests (movies, museums, etc) instead of what sounds like a soul-crushing meatgrinder, aka online dating.
Also doesn't help that I'm on the spectrum, so initiating friendships can be awkward and hard even if I really want to. Outside of the already existing network of work, not really sure how you'd go about breaking the ice with strangers
I met my current girlfriend of six months through Bumble. We lived 7 minutes from each other and never knew each other existed.
I totally get the feeling and had the same feeling as well. There's nothing wrong with online dating, especially with how busy everyone is. The warning, though, is that it can be exhausting. It took me a long time through online dating, and having to repeat the preliminaries -- what do you do for a living, spare time, getting to know each other, where'd you go to cool -- each and every time and having to learn about another person's background again and again? I'm not gonna lie; it can be exhausting.
However, knowing what I know now, it's fine. We really are on different timelines, and even if it takes a while, just enjoy the dates and meeting new people, and if something sparks, then you're golden!
alright let's break this down for newcomers:
1) this is a process only learned through experience, but yeah, essentially you'll have to get used to the toxicity that comes with online dating. Flaking, ghosting, ignoring, lying, catfishing, etc.
2) fix this, or you'll never get matches. No matter how good of a person you are, or how well you build your profile, the pictures are the first doorway into a connection. If you (or them) aren't physically attracted to one another then nothing else matters.
3) I would mention this soonish, maybe at the end of the first date (give them time to get to know you before judging you based off the disorder. Also, use this time to educate them if they seem worried/lost/confused.
good luck (:
Have you ever run into the issue where you aren't sure what you've told a girl about yourself by the second date because you've done the whole spiel too many times?
Regarding 2), It's more of a self-conscious thing, since I'm a bit on the overweight side. So right there I'm assuming that's going to kill most chances anyway. Part of why I was hoping to be able to meet people through interests like movies, games, etc; seems easier than a first meet-up being because of appearances
As for 3), have no idea how I'd even bring that up without it being awkward. I've had enough practice that you wouldn't know I'm on the spectrum if you weren't already aware. Got lucky at work because my current tech job did a neurodiversity internship, so everyone on my team was aware that I was on the spectrum
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Is Bumble considered better than something like Tinder?
tinder has (and probably always will have) the stigma of a hookup app. Bumble is not only taken more seriously by users, but also requires the woman to reach out first once a match happens.
You run into that issue when you're in a relationship, never mind dating. Not really a big deal lol
Yup. Tinder has a hookup reputation. There were some weirdos in the lady department on Bumble however, though I think it's way weirder for ladies from everything I've seen, with guys lying about height and using photos that were 10 years old.
tbh, there were a lot of decent women on it (I mean that in the literal "conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behavior" definition, not as a put-down), but sometimes the conversations just fizzle, sometimes you're hitting it off messaging but not when you're in-person, but if you go into it knowing that it just happens and sometimes there's not actually anything wrong with you, it's a lot easier to process.
Oh, I know that one. My ex always would wait until I finished telling a story to tell me that I had told her that at least once or twice before haha...
I guess I thought of it because I'm going out with a girl on Wednesday and seeing as it's been a month since we last saw each other I really can't remember what I said and didn't say to her... whoops!
At least where I live Tinder is much better than Bumble. Bumble is kind of like Tinder with extra steps. Even if you match with someone, the girl has to message you first within 24 hours or you lose the match. I've had Bumble on and off and only have gotten one match that stuck. I can count on one hand the other matches I received they timed out. Bumble has a weird disconnect where it wants to operate on a dating logic that doesn't exist - it's swimming against the current.
I don't think Tinder is too much of a hookup app nowadays. Sure plenty of people use it for that but I think it's more if you're in the 18-24 range. Almost ever profile I see on Tinder has the woman specifically saying no hookups.
it's not - but anyone who doesn't use dating apps still thinks it is. Thus the stigma.
True but that won't apply to people you meet on Tinder since they're people who use a dating app, namely Tinder.
In Japan they marketed Tinder purely as a friendship app. At first I thought the commercial for it was being progressive and showing a lesbian relationship starting but they were like nope! We are just two people who like taking pictures and were friends now yay!
She may forget some of the stuff you told her, and she'll let you know if she already heard something. Don't worry about it and go with the flow. ;)
Out of curiosity, why the month-long gap? I was in that position once.
Just availability. I asked her out a week after meeting up the first time but she said she was busy and couldn't meet until the week after. Then when that day came around she cancelled on me for stress reasons so I wrote her off. Another week passed and she got back to me and said she wanted to meet up but not until the next week (this week now).
99% of the hookups that i had on Tinder had the "no hookups" thing written on the profile lol.
No hookups, in my opinion, is something you type when you want to filter the dumb ones.
(Note : talking about my experience, i'm not saying that every woman in the world is like that, of course)
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Suggest that the group watches a horror movie at someone's house instead, MST3K-style. Going to a theater and sitting in the dark seems like a waste of a meetup.
A girl I've messaged a few times on Hinge in the last couple of days gave me her Snap in case I wanted to add her on there as she doesn't use Hinge that often. I feel like this trying to figure out how to use Snapchat
She might just want extra followers rather than anything romantic if she's not giving you her phone number, at least that's what it has been from my experience.A girl I've messaged a few times on Hinge in the last couple of days gave me her Snap in case I wanted to add her on there as she doesn't use Hinge that often. I feel like this trying to figure out how to use Snapchat
In my very little experience with Bumble even after matching the woman never initiated a conversation and I extended the timer an extra 24 hours and still never got even a hello. I've had it happen pretty consistently with at least 10 matches so far.
I've talked to more people on Tinder and Facebook.
well, i mean for women lmao. no more barrage of vulgar messages, marriage proposals, and obscene images.