Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

Status
Not open for further replies.

vanmardigan

Member
Oct 27, 2017
412
This is how I know I'm old. I can't relate to this stuff. My wife will not bring the new lover into our house. Will not happen. That's what divorce is for, we just go out separate ways.
 

emag

Member
Oct 26, 2017
4,798
That’s a lot to take in. I can’t offer advice, but I feel for you and the kids. How are they handling it?

Are you planning to stay in the house with your ex and her girlfriend long term?
 

JCHandsom

Avenger
Nov 3, 2017
3,831
I know how you feel. My girlfriend of a few years broke up with me a few weeks ago and in the end it was for similar issues; we had different priorities from each other and for her she seemed to be more in love with the kind of life we could have (home, kids, happy family stability and all that) than she was with me as a person, and I couldn’t live up to the standards she set up for me and for herself.

But for you, all I can say is that you deserve to be with someone who will be with you for who you are, and that you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting that.
 
Dec 6, 2017
251
Los Angeles
Sorry to hear this. But staying in the same house for the kids sake is the worse thing you can do for your self and the Kids. You need to move out ASAP for your own mental health.
 

Pein

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,174
NYC
I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be living with them while their madly in love and you watch on like a loser. That seems insensitive but jeez I know how it feels to have bad social skills and anxiety and self blaming but stop seeing everything as your fault.

You make it sound Iike you’re the ultimate charity case and you were a long 10 year mistake tricking her into marriage and children the whole time. I think you should see a therapist and go to the gym. Stop getting walked on dude, move on.
 

Absoludacrous

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
1,022
We've decided we'll continue living together and raising the kids together, but we're not a couple anymore and her girlfriend is going to move in with us.
Best advice I can give is don't do this. If you're already torn up about what's happening, this will kill you. And most likely affect your kids. They pick up on more than you think.

If it's up to you to stay or go, you should start making plans to go.
 

guilhermessg

Member
Mar 15, 2019
114
i'm sorry, your ex-wife's new girlfriend is moving in with you both? bruh...... this doesn't sound like it'll work out
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
That’s a lot to take in. I feel for you and the kids. How are they handling it?

Are you planning to stay in the house with your ex and her girlfriend long term?
Only the first one is old enough to have an inkling of what's going on (the others are four and three and three) and he's fine with it. He knew about the girlfriend before we split up. He knows that we're getting divorced but since we all live together doesn't mind. All kids get along well with the girlfriend
 

wads

Member
Oct 27, 2017
328
It's her house lol, I ain't on the mortgage. I couldn't do anything to prevent her coming in if I wanted to. My only choice is to stay or go.
Uh, not really, after 10 years married you would be entitled to something on the mortgage or not. Especially depending on what state you are in. When you get divorced, you should get a lawyer.
 

Big-E

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,428
I really don't get the whole polyamory thing wants you have kids. Seems like just an excuse to have your cake and eat it too without thinking about the repercussions.
 

PopsMaellard

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
1,673
This is how I know I'm old. I can't relate to this stuff. My wife will not bring the new lover into our house. Will not happen. That's what divorce is for, we just go out separate ways.
Man I'm 23 and have had a weird last five years but honestly, that's a step too far.

Look OP, I've seen it done. Or rather, I've seen it attempted. It's just going to elongate the pain, and it really wears on your psyche to have to live in that environment, even if it seems "fine" initially. I know a random internet comment isn't going to push you in either direction, but I hope it's something you've been considering.

I feel for you. You will come out of this no matter what. Stay strong, and know that you won't be able to 100% of the time and that's okay.
 

Mitch

Member
Oct 25, 2017
806
Fuck that situation. If you two had no kids, this would be a simple clean break. Your kids come first. Not a new lover. What the fuck is your ex wife doing?
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be living with them while their madly in love and you watch on like a loser. That seems insensitive but jeez I know how it feels to have bad social skills and anxiety and self blaming but stop seeing everything as your fault.

You make it sound Iike you’re the ultimate charity case and you were a long 10 year mistake tricking her into marriage and children the whole time. I think you should see a therapist and go to the gym. Stop getting walked on dude, move on.
I've been gymming it up and eating healthier for a while now. Lost about thirty pounds. Been on antidepressants for a year, seeing a therapist next month. Even that was planned before the breakup. I've got some issues
 

Absoludacrous

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
1,022
I've been gymming it up and eating healthier for a while now. Lost about thirty pounds. Been on antidepressants for a year, seeing a therapist next month. Even that was planned before the breakup. I've got some issues
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, but from the outside it sounds like your ex-wife is taking advantage of it, whether she's aware of it or not. Like was said earlier in the thread, get a lawyer and see what your options are. Don't put yourself through this. You might think it's what is in the kids best interest, but you also have to consider that it's not going to be healthy for them to see their father miserable because he mentally destroyed himself trying to do the right thing.
 

Terandle

Member
Oct 27, 2017
231
I've been gymming it up and eating healthier for a while now. Lost about thirty pounds. Been on antidepressants for a year, seeing a therapist next month. Even that was planned before the breakup. I've got some issues
The only thing I can suggest is trying meditation. At least it helped with my severe case of social anxiety. Best of luck to you and growing stronger from all this.
 

vodalus

Member
Oct 27, 2017
254
Los Angeles
Move out if you can and try to meet someone who is capable of returning your feelings.

If you can't afford a lawyer, don't listen to people telling you to get one.
 

Bricktop

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,026
It's her house lol, I ain't on the mortgage. I couldn't do anything to prevent her coming in if I wanted to. My only choice is to stay or go.
You've been married 10 years, do you think that matters? Get a lawyer, get a divorce, and get your share. Or be a doormat and live with your wife and her girlfriend, which is completely healthy.
 

Deffers

Member
Mar 4, 2018
1,201
If you've got the cash for it and are interested in close proximity for sake of the kids, I'd recommend you look for some sort of duplex arrangement, either by remodeling the existing home or by buying a new one in the area. I really don't think you should share a living space with someone you're not over yet while seeing them passionately in love with someone else.

I'll second the fact that, any regrets or resentments you have, the kids are going to pick up on. Seriously. You really need to consider your mental health in a major way if you want to be there for the kids. Being there for the kids IS being a steward of your own personal well-being.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,787
Alabama
Only the first one is old enough to have an inkling of what's going on (the others are four and three and three) and he's fine with it. He knew about the girlfriend before we split up. He knows that we're getting divorced but since we all live together doesn't mind. All kids get along well with the girlfriend
OP I'm sorry but this is funny man you need to get out the of that house in the end she gets her happy family and you get nothing? Like come on man yall wild
 

Pein

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,174
NYC
I've been gymming it up and eating healthier for a while now. Lost about thirty pounds. Been on antidepressants for a year, seeing a therapist next month. Even that was planned before the breakup. I've got some issues
Everybody has issues, but you don’t sound too happy that your wife has her lover in the house. Just because she pays the mortgage doesn’t mean you shoulda have let her gf move in. You gotta raise that confidence up, you’re desperate for that attention even if it comes in the form of pity.

The way you write and explain the situation is If you owe her for the time you “wasted” so you gotta sound stick around like a chump even if it makes you look sad, you don’t owe that! She owes you decency dog.
 
Apr 17, 2019
482
Viridia
Came in here expecting to read the usual relationship stuff, express some sympathy maybe relate a bit judging from the thread title.

OP you're really underselling your story man. That was a hell of a swerve and escalation.
And then we did. We've decided we'll continue living together and raising the kids together, but we're not a couple anymore and her girlfriend is going to move in with us.
This is where you lost me. Get out of there OP, what's even holding you back?
I know you think you can be okay with it but actual physical distance can help even more. You can work out all your other issues on your own WITHOUT the added misery of your ex's being around you. That's a net plus from where I'm standing.
 

sabrina

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,888
newport beach, CA
That's rough OP. Although I'm happy your ex seems to have found she can fully love now, even if it hurts that it isn't you.

Fuck that situation. If you two had no kids, this would be a simple clean break. Your kids come first. Not a new lover. What the fuck is your ex wife doing?
Do you honestly think that neither party thought about the children?
 

Chopchop

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,632
Wait, is your exwife just dating that other person and not helping with her kids at all? You're not just staying there and having to watch them wave their relationship in front of you, but you're also the only person taking care of four kids?

This doesn't sound healthy for you at all. Your exwife sounds like she's just moving on with her life and leaving you to handle everything she's leaving behind. I agree with the other people saying that everyone living under one roof like this isn't a viable long term solution and will slowly kill you if you try to stick with it.

There's nothing left in this relationship for you except your kids.
 

Lord of Ostia

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,397
I think you should probably move out and get an amicable divorce, then stay nearby for your kids. That's probably what would be best for you and everyone else. No need to be angry at your wife or to stop being friendly with them (that's actually preferable for your kids' sake) but it would be easier for you to move on if you had your own place.
 

Nobunny

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
689
Even if you think you might have accepted all of these changes, this is a situation you should talk to a therapist about.
 

SugarNoodles

Member
Nov 3, 2017
6,919
Portland, OR
He girlfriend moving in with you seems like a pretty big boundary violation. You’re being very understanding, be sure to keep your needs in mind as well.

Sorry you’re going through this.
 

Aadiboy

Member
Nov 4, 2017
1,294
Not going to lie, it's pretty weird that you're living with the person your wife left you for

But, uh, you do you I guess...
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
 

Tzarscream

User Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 28, 2017
1,897
This is a nightmare scenario.

As hard as it is, you should leave, go to therapy, see your kids a lot.
 

Mitch

Member
Oct 25, 2017
806
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
oh fuck

Your ex and her new lover are going to kick you out eventually. You know that right?
 

Metroidvania

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,258
Somewhere in here we had a conversation about monogamy, and I expressed that I hadn't really believed in it for a long time but was sticking with it because that was what we agreed to. But she seemed slightly open to polyamory now, which surprised me. Not long after, her romantic interest from the forum site sent her a friend request from her new account on Facebook. After talking a bit they found they still had feelings for each other, so I was just like "yeah go for it" and they did.
Uh.....

But things changed after they met up for the first time again. My wife didn't seem so eager to be with me, then started expressing that she thought this might not be fair for me, then started talking about what might happen if we break up. And then we did. We've decided we'll continue living together and raising the kids together, but we're not a couple anymore and her girlfriend is going to move in with us.
UHHHHH.....


If you're legitimately, actually happy, more power to you, but what on earth am I reading.

You gotta be a dad to your kids, sure, but unless your soon-to-be ex-wife is cool with you also bringing someone in the house, you're gonna need to get the heck out of there.

I know you're 'comfortable' with the known quantity that is your house and kids, but.....geez.

To be frank, her girlfriend is moving in with her, not with 'the both of you' - you just aren't leaving.

Also, just to be clear, were you not interested in the concept of monogamy because you feel it's not actually a 'thing'? Or did you at some point in the past 'want' to see other people when your wife wasn't 'IN' love with you?


I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
....Well, in the end it's your call, but don't feel like that's your only option forever.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Wait, is your exwife just dating that other person and not helping with her kids at all? You're not just staying there and having to watch them wave their relationship in front of you, but you're also the only person taking care of four kids?

This doesn't sound healthy for you at all. Your exwife sounds like she's just moving on with her life and leaving you to handle everything she's leaving behind. I agree with the other people saying that everyone living under one roof like this isn't a viable long term solution and will slowly kill you if you try to stick with it.

There's nothing left in this relationship for you except your kids.
No. She's still living here and helping with the kids no problem. She's not leaving anything behind.
 

TheGhost

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
12,840
Long Island
I mean....you gave her the ok to go be with someone else what did you think was going to happen.

Get yourself a good lawyer. I know you still love her but she does not love you (or even respects you?) You're going to have to get a divorce. That sucks, you will be heart broken for a long time but you will get over it and you will eventually find someone that loves you on a more consistent basis. You know how you felt to finally be wanted after years of not feeling that way? What if I told you, that you could have that all the time....with the right person. This sounds harsh but you have to move on, get yourself.....and the children a therapist as well. You'll need it to get shit off your chest to someone in person, a internet forum is not a substitute for that. The kids may need it because well....you don't know what impact this may eventually have on them.

God speed OP and very sorry this has to happen to you.

P.s. : that whole "I know it wasn't her fault". That's the love talking, you two were married....MARRIED... That is supposed to like mean something....you may have fucked up by not reading the signs but she ain't innocent.
 

vodalus

Member
Oct 27, 2017
254
Los Angeles
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
Thanks for explaining. I can understand why you wouldn't want to move out. Certainly making this situation adversarial is not what anyone wants. But what's the long term plan?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.