Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

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LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,736
Arkansas, USA
But HE doesn't seem to believe that. That's the problem.
That is a problem. You are entitled to half of what your wife owns OP.

The problem is he seems to believe he isn't entitled to anything and while he's being made promises about things they'll do for him in the future, they are literally just empty promises right now.

He's incapable or unwilling to seek professional help with anything. At least if he'd speak to a lawyer, it'd help to make him seem interested in his future.
He for sure needs to seek out a lawyer then. He also needs to use the fact that he is entitled to half of his wife's assets for leverage. Let your wife know OP that if she pays for you to become self-sufficient and agrees to joint custody you won't take her for everything she has in the inevitable divorce. If she doesn't help you, lawyer up and make her believe that you won't stop until you get half of everything AND full custody of your children.

Don't be a doormat, the quicker you stand up for yourself the better off the future for both yourself and your children will become.
 
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astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
THIS

can we stop bickering over whether polyships are good/bad?

This ain’t that
This is not poly, but it IS an alternative relationship lifestyle like poly that this forum is ALWAYS hostile to. If it's not two monogamous people, the majority of people will call it broken.

I mean shit, you come to this forum with some regular vanilla dating issues that are as banal as can be and the majority of the thread will be "dump, hit the gym".

I don't think this is a healthy position for OP, but that isn't necessarily because of the non-traditional structure. That's more about him not having something of his own, not being able to support himself. Regardless of how this situation works out, that is something they need to fix.

Of course there are lots of other tells that OP is not happy and is just slipping into this shit which will not be healthy for them, but we have NO way of knowing how supportive his ex-wife and her partner actually are, how their talks about this went in person, how they all truly feel about it.

The main focus here should be, regardless, OP building something for themselves so they are not reliant on others. Even if the situation works out for the rest of their lives, this is something that is pretty much required for us to have a sense of worth.
 

NoMoreTrolls

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,191
Texas
I was referring more to Wolfgunblood or anyone taking issue with the idea poly relationships can't work in general. I agree what OP has going on does not seem like a willful poly relationship where all parties have set boundaries and had those discussions.
I think it's just Wolf tbh
It just needs to start from a place of mutual desire for such a relationship, and not from one partner really pushing the other into it
 

Oreiller

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,677
One of my aunts was basically in the same situation.

Her husband realized he was in love with a man after 10 years of being married and they tried a polyamorous relationship, which didn't work out. Her husband's boyfriend moved in with them and she became the official stay-at-home mom/maid.
Their kids grew to hate everyone involved, only one of their three kids still acknowledge the existence of their dad.

She eventually got kicked out of the house but her husband and his boyfriend still had the gall to ask her to pay for their rent when one of them got fired. She accepted because she is an absolute pushover. Thanks to that, her romantic life is inexistent, her kids hate their parents and she can barely afford to pay her taxes since she has to pay her husband's rent.

Get out of there OP, it can only get worse from now on.
 

2San

Member
Oct 28, 2017
386
Man what state are you in? I know in Florida, as long as it's your homestead property, it doesn't matter if your name is on anything. As soon as you guys get married, you're legally entitled to 50% of the property. You can also be entitled to alimony and child support, depending if you win custody of the kids. Though, given what you're saying, custody may not be the best for the kids. It kinda sounds like you're comfortable and letting shit happen to you until you're given no choice but to act. Act now! Get a lawyer and you probably have equal rights to that property. Sell the house to get your share and you'll probably get alimony. You won't know unless you lawyer up. It's better to do this now, than when your ass is kicked to the street and have to work from rock bottom.
I totally agree with this.

Indeed OP, claim what you are entitled to including property, (partial) custody of the kids and partner alimony. When you actually divorce, the situation tends to go ugly even if you if behave nicely. The law is like this for reason and you are doing yourself no favors by acting like everything is your partners. It's your house too.
 

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,736
Arkansas, USA
Reading this thread has made me self-reflect on a lot of my own life.

Thanks for that OP.
It made me realize once again how foolish it is to let sex destroy an otherwise great life.

If several years from now I fall for someone else I hope I'm strong enough to ignore it. I won't destroy the home I have built with my wife for our family for better sex. My kids deserve better than that.
 

Abhor

Member
Oct 27, 2017
480
NYC
This thread is painful to read with all these personal anecdotes, but I'm glad for it. I wish you the best OP, but man, accept the situation and stop being a doormat. Get your shit together and get out. I'm also with the people recommending a good lawyer. Don't just leave empty-handed or some "trying to handle it amicably" bullshit.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
It made me realize once again how foolish it is to let sex destroy an otherwise great life.

If several years from now I fall for someone else I hope I'm strong enough to ignore it. I won't destroy the home I have built with my wife for our family for better sex. My kids deserve better than that.
It's not just about sex.

It's about a connection, something deeper, and sex is a natural action of being in a relationship like that.

This doesn't justify anything, it still doesn't give you the right to shit on your previous partner and your kids, but to say it's just about sex is inaccurate.
 

2San

Member
Oct 28, 2017
386
One of my aunts was basically in the same situation.

Her husband realized he was in love with a man after 10 years of being married and they tried a polyamorous relationship, which didn't work out. Her husband's boyfriend moved in with them and she became the official stay-at-home mom/maid.
Their kids grew to hate everyone involved, only one of their three kids still acknowledge the existence of their dad.

She eventually got kicked out of the house but her husband and his boyfriend still had the gall to ask her to pay for their rent when one of them got fired. She accepted because she is an absolute pushover. Thanks to that, her romantic life is inexistent, her kids hate their parents and she can barely afford to pay her taxes since she has to pay her husband's rent.

Get out of there OP, it can only get worse from now on.
This makes my blood boil. So your related parent can't talk some sense into her?
 

Apharmd

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,857
Just a disclaimer: I still very much love my wife. I'm not starting this thread to trash on her or complain about her, just to analyze my situation and sort my feelings out. She's always treated me very well, even if our relationship has never been what I wanted it to be. She is continuing to treat me very well now that we've broken up.

I met my wife on an internet forum, not unlike this one, twelve years ago. We talked a lot as friends (although it was no secret that I was into her) for a long time. I didn't think anything would come of it. She had a romantic interest from the same forum (this will be important later), and it seemed like they were going to become a couple, but She could not commit when my wife wanted to move to her city after law school.

Still wanting to move away, we decided it would be cool if she moved here and got an apartment together. It wasn't supposed to be romantic at first, but eventually... it was. I was very quick to tell her I loved her, and she eventually responded in kind. She wasn't lying, because she DID love me, just not in the real "in love" way, and I guess she didn't get that then. She didn't know what that felt like and didn't think she could experience love the way other people do.

She didn't I always thought there were other reasons she wasn't or couldn't express affection to me properly. She didn't want to kiss me often, didn't want to hold hands. I'm terrible at reading people and if I was better maybe I could have figured it out sooner. We mostly stopped having sex after a few months, when we got pregnant (definitely too early, oh well). Then we got married.

But I thought, at first, it was because she was so sick (Chron's disease, much improved over time after she had her colon removed). Then she was depressed because she wanted to have another baby and we had trouble for years, before having twins AND adopting a kid from foster care. Then she said she didnt want to do anything because she was breastfeeding. At some point during all this she stopped telling me that she loves me. Not sure when. I did ask her once if she did, and she responded "what do you THINK?" I thought yes, but that might not have been the answer in retrospect.

A few months ago she started getting horny again, she was expressing interest in me and initiating sex. And she ENJOYED it, for the first time outside of those first few months we were together. I felt wanted, finally, and it felt so good. She started telling me she loves me again. Started giving kisses that were not real deep kisses, but more than pecks at least. And we held hands a few times. This was a few months past our tenth wedding anniversary.

Somewhere in here we had a conversation about monogamy, and I expressed that I hadn't really believed in it for a long time but was sticking with it because that was what we agreed to. But she seemed slightly open to polyamory now, which surprised me. Not long after, her romantic interest from the forum site sent her a friend request from her new account on Facebook. After talking a bit they found they still had feelings for each other, so I was just like "yeah go for it" and they did.

But things changed after they met up for the first time again. My wife didn't seem so eager to be with me, then started expressing that she thought this might not be fair for me, then started talking about what might happen if we break up. And then we did. We've decided we'll continue living together and raising the kids together, but we're not a couple anymore and her girlfriend is going to move in with us.

And it all makes sense to me now, because I've seen them together. Constantly wanting to touch, hold hands, kiss. I can hear a difference in her voice when she talks to her, and she looks at her in ways she's never looked at me. She knows what it means to be in love now. I tell them not to modify their behaviour for my sake, because I don't want to be a burden on their relationship and (although I haven't said this) because there's no way they can interact without making me feel jealous. But I'll get over it. Knowing that it could never have been what I wanted makes it easier to accept that it's over.

I just don't know what to do going forward. It's hard for me to get out because I don't really have friends, I have general and social anxiety, and I've got four kids (having another pair of adult hands around the house will help with that lol). I've been working on it but it's hard. Need to work on myself and my social skills before I start dating.

And it's just hard now, because this was my first relationship and my first breakup. I've been with one person my entire adult life pretty much. And now I know I've never really been loved and wanted, at least in a romantic sense. It's somewhat soul-crushing. She feels bad that I'm hurt but I know it wasn't her fault - I always made the choice to be with her knowing it wasn't perfect. It would have been reasonable to end it when I knew she didn't want to kiss me, but I didn't and that's on me.

I'm not sure I should post this thread, it's kind of meandering and maybe not that interesting but oh well POST THREAD
Reading your post, reading about your situation, gave me heartburn. Yikes. You should listen to the many people in this thread who are telling you to get your affairs in order. You are living on borrowed time in your current situation.

Somewhere in here we had a conversation about monogamy, and I expressed that I hadn't really believed in it for a long time but was sticking with it because that was what we agreed to. But she seemed slightly open to polyamory now, which surprised me. Not long after, her romantic interest from the forum site sent her a friend request from her new account on Facebook. After talking a bit they found they still had feelings for each other, so I was just like "yeah go for it" and they did.
Not trying to dunk on you but damn, you fucked up here. This... was the equivalent of putting your head in a lion's mouth. What were you thinking?

Maybe they can be healthy, but yeah, none of the poly people I know (admittedly a small sample size of 3 different throuples/quadrouples) exhibit any sort of signs of a healthy relationship. In all of them, it just seems to have multiplied their problems exponentially per person involved. My cousin pressured/gaslit her now-ex husband into such a relationship with two other people, and they went from functional (maybe boring) monogomy to completely batshit polyenmity in about a year. They're divorced, no longer speaking, and even the two additions to their love square mutually hate each other. It would have been healthier if my cousin and her ex had just started with the divorce and just fucked other people.
The other two poly groups I know have just the wildest fucking drama, with lovers rising and falling from prominence, getting excluded, kicked out, fought with, and all that.
Maybe some people make it work. Maybe there are truly couples who both mutually want to extend their relationship to an equal degree. From the people I know, though, it usually involves an element of one person really wanting it and the other eventually breaking down and allowing it, only to end in disaster as they realize that they don't want to be second banana in their relationships.

All of that is not to say that monogamy is a sure bet, either. I guess I just mean to say that polygamy/polyamory just takes all the shit, drama, and hard-ass work that maintaining a relationship with one person takes and multiplies it by adding more individuals with conflicting needs and desires, and introduces competition, jealousy, and conflict above and beyond the amount in a traditional monogamous relationship.
I'd love some stats on divorce rates among poly couples. My experience has been the same, never known any to work out long-term or be healthy for the people involved. Most people simply aren't wired to not feel jealousy when their spouse is out sport-fucking.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
It made me realize once again how foolish it is to let sex destroy an otherwise great life.

If several years from now I fall for someone else I hope I'm strong enough to ignore it. I won't destroy the home I have built with my wife for our family for better sex. My kids deserve better than that.
I think it's pretty clear our relationship wasn't really good and their relationship is about more than sex. One way or another, it's good that it ended. I probably couldn't have ended it myself if something like this hadn't happened. I might have never known it would be better for it to end.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
I'd love some stats on divorce rates among poly couples. My experience has been the same, never known any to work out long-term or be healthy for the people involved. Most people simply aren't wired to not feel jealousy when their spouse is out sport-fucking.
This is not a realistic view of poly relationships at all. I wish those of you without any first hand experience here would stop making these ridiculous comments.
 

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,736
Arkansas, USA
It's not just about sex.

It's about a connection, something deeper, and sex is a natural action of being in a relationship like that.

This doesn't justify anything, it still doesn't give you the right to shit on your previous partner and your kids, but to say it's just about sex is inaccurate.
That connection IS sexual attraction. It's not all about sex, but it's pretty damn close.
 

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,630
I think it's pretty clear our relationship wasn't really good and their relationship is about more than sex. One way or another, it's good that it ended. I probably couldn't have ended it myself if something like this hadn't happened. I might have never known it would be better for it to end.
none of this madders now; don't even think about it.

who cares if she didn't love you back then, she doesn't love you now and soon she will ask you to pack your bags.

don't wait; act.
 

Apharmd

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,857
This is not a realistic view of poly relationships at all. I wish those of you without any expeirence here would stop making these ridiculous comments.
This is my experience, anecdotally, with people in my circle who have tried non-monogamous relationships. I'm sure some people find them workable. I haven't seen that myself though.
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,124
This is not poly, but it IS an alternative relationship lifestyle like poly that this forum is ALWAYS hostile to. If it's not two monogamous people, the majority of people will call it broken.

I mean shit, you come to this forum with some regular vanilla dating issues that are as banal as can be and the majority of the thread will be "dump, hit the gym".

I don't think this is a healthy position for OP, but that isn't necessarily because of the non-traditional structure. That's more about him not having something of his own, not being able to support himself. Regardless of how this situation works out, that is something they need to fix.

Of course there are lots of other tells that OP is not happy and is just slipping into this shit which will not be healthy for them, but we have NO way of knowing how supportive his ex-wife and her partner actually are, how their talks about this went in person, how they all truly feel about it.

The main focus here should be, regardless, OP building something for themselves so they are not reliant on others. Even if the situation works out for the rest of their lives, this is something that is pretty much required for us to have a sense of worth.
You could argue that being completely reliant on his ex-wife is an alternate relationship lifestyle. If his wife is happy supporting him completely and he's fine with not being able to stand on his own two feet, why can't he just stay that way? Who says relationships have to be formed with fully independent people?

I'm being facetious but you clearly realize there is a lot to this relationship that is not right. I don't think arguing for the validity of unconventional relationships should really be the focus here when OP is unhappy and is more rolling with the punches than having come to his own decision about the type of relationship he would like to be in. Remember, this was OP's one and only relationship. He doesn't have any perspective of what relationships can be like and what works for him outside of this one where his partner never even loved him. Kids being thrown into the mix surely made things more complicated as did the girlfriend. And I wonder how old OP even is, if they've had much of an adult life before this relationship. I think you've got to consider that before going on the defense about how alternative relationships can work and how people are hostile to them. Of course they can work but this one is showing serious cracks to say the least.
 

Euphoria

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,965
I wonder OP, where do you see yourself in a year from now when the kids are trained and you’re expected to get a job and move out and pay your own rent and your own health insurance?

It’s happening and I truly hope you’re prepared to no longer live a life where you get to sit home all day and not work to take care of yourself while others take care of you financially.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
Yes, they were people who started monogamous relationships and tried to morph them into something else (like OP's situation sorta).
And there's the issue. A poly lifestyle is not something you just shift into, it's something you seek out with other like minded people.

I'm sure it will work out for some people who make the shift, but for most I would imagine it doesn't work, but that's not actual poly relationships being broken as a concept... that's people not suited to them thinking they are.

You could argue that being completely reliant on his ex-wife is an alternate relationship lifestyle. If his wife is happy supporting him completely and he's fine with not being able to stand on his own two feet, why can't he just stay that way? Who says relationships have to be formed with fully independent people?

I'm being facetious but you clearly realize there is a lot to this relationship that is not right. I don't think arguing for the validity of unconventional relationships should really be the focus here when OP is unhappy and is more rolling with the punches than having come to his own decision about the type of relationship he would like to be in. Remember, this was OP's one and only relationship. He doesn't have any perspective of what relationships can be like and what works for him outside of this one where his partner never even loved him. Kids being thrown into the mix surely made things more complicated as did the girlfriend. And I wonder how old OP even is, if they've had much of an adult life before this relationship. I think you've got to consider that before going on the defense about how alternative relationships can work and how people are hostile to them. Of course they can work but this one is showing serious cracks to say the least.
It is absolutely a factor because this forum will shit on anything unconventional, so this thread is not going to be fertile ground for impartial advice. The bias against these lifestyle choices makes it hostile from the get go.

And if we take a look at the stater of vanilla relationship advice threads... this was never going to go well regardless.
 

Ralemont

Member
Jan 3, 2018
1,901
"The best thing for the kids" is not to have a dad constantly resentful of the love the mother and her new partner are sharing. Kids pick up on more than you think. I was way happier when my parents finally divorced and separated than I was when they couldn't stand living in the same roof.

It sounds like you're at least honest that this is largely for you not having to work and live somewhere rent-free, but that isn't going to last. Even if your ex-wife is fine with that, her new partner won't be, and therefore she eventually won't be. Get a lawyer so you get your due for a divorce and look into jobs and living situations.
 

LegalEagleMike

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,028
Just to say it again,

Call a lawyer.

I am a lawyer, I do divorce. I do not represent you, but you should call a lawyer

Call a lawyer!



CALL A LAWYER
 

Clefargle

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,609
Limburg
I was referring more to Wolfgunblood or anyone taking issue with the idea poly relationships can't work in general. I agree what OP has going on does not seem like a willful poly relationship where all parties have set boundaries and had those discussions.
Ok that may be the case, but this thread isn’t about that and it’s sidetracking everything. It’s mostly one or two offenders, but railing against the entire forum on behalf of perceived slights against the poly community borders on threadwhining

This is not poly, but it IS an alternative relationship lifestyle like poly that this forum is ALWAYS hostile to. If it's not two monogamous people, the majority of people will call it broken.

I mean shit, you come to this forum with some regular vanilla dating issues that are as banal as can be and the majority of the thread will be "dump, hit the gym".

I don't think this is a healthy position for OP, but that isn't necessarily because of the non-traditional structure. That's more about him not having something of his own, not being able to support himself. Regardless of how this situation works out, that is something they need to fix.
Then let’s just address the real situation here. A monogamous woman wants to have a monogamous relationship with another person. That’s what functionally occurred.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
Then let’s just address the real situation here. A monogamous woman wants to have a monogamous relationship with another person. That’s what functionally occurred.
Already covered this.

The real situation is that this is a non-traditional relationship/family set-up, and we have no way of knowing just how supportive the ex-wife and their partner truly are.

Also to consider is people just don't snap out of depression. This is a really unfair and unrealistic stance to take, OP is clearly struggling regardless of this specific situation and telling him to just move out and get on with his life is probably not something they're currently equipped to do. FFS, they only just managed to start going to the gym regularly, and meds and therapy is something new after a lifetime of dealing with this...

So while it may very well be that OP needs to move out, that this might not work out long term, some of the advice ITT feels like it's ignoring the mental state of OP while pretending to be supportive of it.

This is an unusual situation, and this forum has repeatedly proven it can't handle giving standard relationship advice and consistently shits the bed when confronted with something non-traditional.
 

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,736
Arkansas, USA
I can't believe that the OP thinks it's her house when you've been together for a decade and have children together. That is some Stockholm syndrome stuff you have going on there.

Half of that house is yours OP. Your wife's new girlfriend has no legal entitlement to anything you think your wife owns, but you do. Recognize that, work on becoming self-sufficient, and for the love of your own children stand up for yourself.
 

Euphoria

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,965
If OP also really cares about his kids he will get his shit in order and prepare to move out and setup a place of his own and stop wanting to wait to do so until shit is convenient for his ex.

At some point he is getting kicked out and the divorce is going to go through. He’s going to need a place of his own if he’s expecting to get time with the kids. Unless the expectation is to spend all that time at the ex’s house.

Also OP needs to go into that divorce not bending over backwards for his ex wife because I wouldn’t be surprised if the wife keeps the kids and he gets his check from the new job garnished for child support. They won’t have him cleaning up and saving them money by having him around and they will be looking to make up that newly found cost.

It’s not going to remain all cushy like it now where his ex wife is basically supporting him at 28.

Jeez this whole things gets worse the more I think of it and am just dumbfounded at this entire situation and how OP is approaching it.
 

Mitch

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
790
User Banned (1 Week): Inflammatory commentary and insults towards another member
Utterly bullshit.

I'm in one right now.

My partner and I don't live together, but we're each other's primary partner. We're just like any other couple in that respect, except we also have other partners. I'm not currently seeing anyone else as, quite frankly, I don't have time and I'm working on myself for a while before I meet new people.

My partner was asexual for most of her life and, around five years ago, discovered feelings of sexual desire she didn't know even existed. She had very little sexual contact because of this, and is now exploring this in a healthy way. So she has multiple partners: a man and woman in Germany who she sees a few times a year, and a guy she just met who she is dating and having regular sex with.

She also wants to explore her dom side, among other things, and I think it's wonderful she's getting to experience all of this in safe and healthy environments.

This might seem utterly alien to you, but I have no desires of possession over her. I love her deeply but have no hint of jealously when she tells me about her partners (and we talk about everything, this is something she lets all of them know in advance).

This is, without a doubt, the healthiest and most loving relationship I've ever been in. There is no pretense of ownership, or expectation in terms of what we owe each other. We're both hugely respectful of each other's feelings, we talk openly and honestly about our experiences, and we actively help each other with things like writing our dating profiles, choosing pictures for them, etc...

And, as the only people compatible with this kind of relationship are other poly people, we've met lots of people with the same mindset and seen just how well and how often these things can work out.

The woman who is part of that German couple just came over to stay for the weekend. My girlfriend had a huge project sprung on her and she had to work through it, and both myself and the woman (and some other friends) all came together to help with it. We hung out for 3 days and nights, and it was really fucking awesome.

So, next time you consider making a statement like that, consider that it's your ignorance of how poly relationships work out all the damn time. They're not for everyone, and largely if a couple who has been monogamous decides to move toward this there may be a high failure rate, but don't ignore those who build relationships FROM a poly position, of which there are too many to speak of it the way you just did.

This level of speaking from an ignorant position like you know for certain is dumb as hell, why you'd choose to do that I don't know.
so you're single and your friend is fucking multiple people while you're too busy/not fit for a relationship 🤔
 

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,736
Arkansas, USA
Polyamorous relationships work best when they exist prior to both monogamy and children. You might be able to successfully transition from monogamous to polyamorous relationships if you don't have children.

But if you were monogamous and you have children it will eventually blow up in your face. One of the original partners will get the shaft and do most of the childcare. That is grossly unfair and it's happening to the OP.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
"The best thing for the kids" is not to have a dad constantly resentful of the love the mother and her new partner are sharing. Kids pick up on more than you think. I was way happier when my parents finally divorced and separated than I was when they couldn't stand living in the same roof.

It sounds like you're at least honest that this is largely for you not having to work and live somewhere rent-free, but that isn't going to last. Even if your ex-wife is fine with that, her new partner won't be, and therefore she eventually won't be. Get a lawyer so you get your due for a divorce and look into jobs and living situations.
I'm not resentful of their relationship, only sad about what mine was, or rather wasn't. It's not cause and effect where our relationship wasn't working because of theirs and I can recognize that. The hurt feelings will subside.

I won't be out of work and living rent free forever. I do have a job that I can go back to. I am going to try to find a better option, but I won't be out of work and I will be able to contribute financially,
 

Ishmael

Member
Oct 27, 2017
80

I can't believe that the OP thinks it's her house when you've been together for a decade and have children together. That is some Stockholm syndrome stuff you have going on there.

Half of that house is yours OP. Your wife's new girlfriend has no legal entitlement to anything you think your wife owns, but you do. Recognize that, work on becoming self-sufficient, and for the love of your own children stand up for yourself.
These are the two points OP needs to focus on.
 

B.O.O.M.

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,190
Some of the stories in this thread, including the one in OP, is making me irrationally angry/annoyed. Like wtf is going on with some of these relationships.
 

Zen

Member
Nov 1, 2017
3,230
OP she is manipulating you. Not mustache twirling evil but the whole platonic love shit is textbook manipulation and my ex did the same to me when she wanted to break up. It's a placebo to soften the blow, the reality is she doesn't love you anymore, period, and it is better to move out and on with your life. If she had any respect for you she wouldn't pull that shit, and it took me a while before I realized how scummy it was for my ex to pull that on me too. Get out asap in whatever way you can. Your kids will respect and thank you for it when they're older.
 
Staff Post

Dr. Monkey

Mafia MVP
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
6,212
Official Staff Communication
Relationships are hard and are made harder by differing views. While the OP is asking for advice, we should remember to be respectful of each other and any relationships we might be in. Do not label, generalize, or make assumptions about other people or their situations.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,872
Think what you must, but seeing people being treated like doormats and being taken advantage of annoys me.
And you don't actually know if this is what's happening, not for certain. We have no way of knowing just how the ex-wife and their partner truly feel.

I mean, look at how someone just told me about my own relationship...

My partner and I have a wonderful, active sex life. We regularly go on dates. We're the first people we turn to for advice and support. We share our most intimate thoughts and desires... but because we're poly I get told this.

People project far too often in threads like these, and if you're getting irrationally angry without knowing all the details and just being swept along by the tide... that's definitely not a healthy thing.


Yeah that's some sad shit. Hopefully he gets what's coming.
Eh, I doubt they will. Let them think that though, I feel sorry for them if anything. They can't be coming from a healthy place with that kind of thinking.
 

Elandyll

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
3,770
I'm not resentful of their relationship, only sad about what mine was, or rather wasn't. It's not cause and effect where our relationship wasn't working because of theirs and I can recognize that. The hurt feelings will subside.

I won't be out of work and living rent free forever. I do have a job that I can go back to. I am going to try to find a better option, but I won't be out of work and I will be able to contribute financially,
I don't think you are ready to listen, as basically it seems to me that this is you right now:
"I reject your Reality and Substitute my Own"

But

Essentially, what people are trying to tell you is that there is a great chance that you -will- resent the situation, because there is a very high possibility that one of the following two scenarios will develop:

*Either you will be kicked out shortly when they decide you are an un-needed third wheel, and they'd rather raise the children as a couple
Or
* You will be used as a glorified nanny with less and less involvement in the daily decisions, until you are notified (when the kids don't need before& after school care) that you are an annoyance

Now is there a very, very small chance this could work as a happy-happy commune (of up to 4 adults and multiple children), where the kids grow harmoniously surrounded by love and understanding?
Maybe.
Like... 10% chance?
Is it more likely there will be a possibly toxic environment for children growing up, involving jealousy, exploitation, lack of self worth, resentment (from the ex wife and her gf toward you), and perhaps even abuse (physical & / or psychological)?
Unfortunately yes I'd say.

Basically people are asking you to make sure you try to both protect yourself and the kids, by thinking about all the angles.
 

Fliesen

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,441
I'm not resentful of their relationship, only sad about what mine was, or rather wasn't. It's not cause and effect where our relationship wasn't working because of theirs and I can recognize that. The hurt feelings will subside.

I won't be out of work and living rent free forever. I do have a job that I can go back to. I am going to try to find a better option, but I won't be out of work and I will be able to contribute financially,
"Contribute"? - You're really putting a lot of eggs in someone else's basket there, though.
Like - even if we take what you're saying at face value, that you're fine with all of this, that you're not going to resent your wife or her new partner - there's nothing guaranteeing that her or her new partner isn't going to find you an annoyance.
You really think, if push comes to shove and the new partner asks your (still) wife to get rid of you that she'd not make you move out in an instant?
But you and your feelings do not matter, as you're not at the wheel of this car. You're not in control of how this situation is going to evolve.

Again, we all understand that the current situation can be 'comfortable', it can 'feel' reasonable right now, but - and this has nothing to do with polyamory or alternative lifestyles, you need to take back control of your life. Right now, you're living in someone's elses house, being ... well ... tolerated by them. There's no telling whether or how long this fickle balance might last. But now is the best time to move on; not when your wife or her new partner decide that you should. You think it's going to be easier then?
 

killdatninja

Member
Oct 26, 2017
441
I'm just gonna say that I don't think it's healthy that long term you stay living with your ex... I won't further comment on it because I think you know your limitations on that topic...

What is important for your sake, is that you work on yourself. I can tell you from my own experience where I believed my ex fell out of love with me, but when I reflected back at my relationship with her (7 years), I realized that statement simply wasn't true. We both fell out of love with each other long ago, and we were too scared (we didn't want to end up alone) to break it off. Take it as a learning experience, it didn't fail solely because of you (or her) but because you and her weren't right for each other. Learn what you did wrong and what you did right in the relationship, apply it to your next relationship.

For now, don't even think about another relationship... now might not be the best time for that kind of thing. Self-improvement is a long and lifetime process, but the sooner you get yourself in a healthy mind-set the better.
 

jakoo

Member
Oct 27, 2017
970
OP, I don't want to sound harsh, but you sound like a case of arrested development. You have given the last ten years of your life to a loveless marriage and raising kids which, had you known what you were getting yourself into at the time, you could have avoided entirely and spent that time developing yourself and your career.

This isn't at all to begrudge you at all for being stay at home dad, which is in honorable and tough job. My point is you should value yourself monetarily for the work you've done and realize wife should be compensating you for it. 50% of whatever she has and earns should go to you for raising those kids.

It is not in your best interest to stay in the current living situation. In order for you to grow and find your own identity, you need to move out and move on, while still maintaining a relationship with the kids. While your kids are "fine" with the situation now, I do not know if the behavior you are modeling is ultimately a positive one for your kids to see, and you need to take some autonomy for yourself before the new girlfriend forces you out.
 
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