Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

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TheMan

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,616
To be clear, OP's relationship isn't polyamarous.
This is an important point that I myself didn't even take into account while reading these responses. The OP is no longer in a relationship with his wife nor he is romantically linked to the new GF. He is living in his (soon to be ex?) wife's house while the wife shacks up with her GF. This is not a romantic relationship between 3 equals.
 

whatsarobot

Member
Nov 17, 2017
345
Geez man. Polyamory doesn't usually work out in the long run, but this isn't even that. You guys just broke up and you're living with the woman you love as she loves another person in front of you. You don't have to be an asshole about it, but you gotta either: 1) Tell her you don't want to end the marriage, get to counselling, and try to repair this, or 2) Move out, rebuild, and grow from this in your future relationships.

But you don't want to stay in the place you're in.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Geez man. Polyamory doesn't usually work out in the long run, but this isn't even that. You guys just broke up and you're living with the woman you love as she loves another person in front of you. You don't have to be an asshole about it, but you gotta either: 1) Tell her you don't want to end the marriage, get to counselling, and try to repair this, or 2) Move out, rebuild, and grow from this in your future relationships.

But you don't want to stay in the place you're in.
I absolutely want the marriage to end. There's nothing left to rebuild.

I don't want to move out. I have back up plans right now if things do fall apart. They're not great, but I will work on improving those as I work on improving myself.
 

Mona

Member
Oct 30, 2017
12,949
Dude. You are gay.

But you and your wife's sexuality are the least important aspects of this thread. If there is any takeway from here, it's that you need to get a job asap. You must become financially independent. Don't keep telling yourself that you will look for a job after your twins are potty trained. You need to tackle this issue right away.
whats an 'S+ User'?
 

Mr. X

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,830
This happened to someone I knew in high school. His parents divorced when his mother came out.

Seems like you're making the best of it and have support from your ex.
 

whatsarobot

Member
Nov 17, 2017
345
I absolutely want the marriage to end. There's nothing left to rebuild.

I don't want to move out. I have back up plans right now if things do fall apart. They're not great, but I will work on improving those as I work on improving myself.
It's probably worth pursuing a divorce. If you were a woman staying home and raising a family while your husband works, most people would clearly understand that you've done your work for the family, and deserve financial compensation as the marriage ends, and the same is true here. She couldn't have raised a family and worked if you weren't holding down things at home, so you are rightly due financial support. Might help you get on your feet.
 

Flutter

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,806
The older you get, the harder it will get to be hired for a job. Even more so when you're very much underqualified in.... everything.

I'd say you really need therapy. You're acting passive on everything that has happened. That won't be healthy in the long run.

At least get yourself a job. Right now your wife has every right to ask you to move out (considering it's looking like she's paying for damn well everything). Don't do it when things start to get complicated, because it will.
 

Ash735

Member
Sep 4, 2018
555
Yeah all the talk about Poly Vs Monogamy, the key thing is that Poly was only used as an excuse here for his ex-wife to shack up with her girlfriend. That's not proper Poly.
 

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,648
I absolutely want the marriage to end. There's nothing left to rebuild.

I don't want to move out. I have back up plans right now if things do fall apart. They're not great, but I will work on improving those as I work on improving myself.
Could you clarify as to what these back up plans are? you don't have to answer this but I think it would answer a lot of questions.
 

Yaboosh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,550
Avoiding getting a job because you're holding out for a better one or your hand getting forced is a total Cousin Eddie move.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Could you clarify as to what these back up plans are? you don't have to answer this but I think it would answer a lot of questions.
I've talked about it in the thread. I can always work for and live with my mom. That's what I would do if I were to leave now, but I don't want to do that.

I will probably end up working for her at some point regardless while I try to sort something else out.
 

abellwillring

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,455
Austin, TX
My wife is the ONLY one who can cook lol. Girlfriend is going to take over dishes for me so I don’t know how anyone can say this isn’t a win
My guy, I feel really bad for you since this situation sounds truly terrible.. but this is the best way I can reflect the multiple replies from you I've read on the first page:



I hope it works out for you in the end. It seems like it's going to be a very difficult journey though. Good luck going forward.
 

Lord Panda

Member
Oct 27, 2017
783
Australia
Mate, half that house is yours.. Don't let her and and her partner take that away from you. You owe it to yourself and your kids to ensure that and be prepared for a fight if it comes to that.
 

Maven

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,780
Earth
I've talked about it in the thread. I can always work for and live with my mom. That's what I would do if I were to leave now, but I don't want to do that.

I will probably end up working for her at some point regardless while I try to sort something else out.
Good luck man. But, if I was in the same situation I would feel used as the days go by and mess up internally the longer I stay in this toxic situation. It's time to sell everything you have and move on whether it's your moms place or a rented room/studio/whatever. I'd take that job immediately with your mom and get the hell out
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,186
It is absolutely a factor because this forum will shit on anything unconventional, so this thread is not going to be fertile ground for impartial advice. The bias against these lifestyle choices makes it hostile from the get go.

And if we take a look at the stater of vanilla relationship advice threads... this was never going to go well regardless.
I get that you have qualms with the "forum" but I've seen plenty of people give advice here because they genuinely think it's good advice and want to help. You're painting over the whole thing as hostile when it's really not. I think to automatically perceive it as such is also a bias.

I've seen plenty of people give advice because they actually want to help, not because of some hate boner for any relationship that isn't perfectly conventional. I don't understand your use of "impartial", people telling OP to leave and become independent are on his side, not against him. People just see that things are clearly not right here and I feel like going on with this "the forum shits on anything unconventional" tangent ignores the actual situation at hand with OP. People are reacting to the very specific story OP has told, not going in on unconventional relationships. And yes, I'm discounting the people who have posted here trash talking poly relationships. They're wrong and they were off topic. No reason to attribute that to the entire thread.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
I get that you have qualms with the "forum" but I've seen plenty of people give advice here because they genuinely think it's good advice and want to help. You're painting over the whole thing as hostile when it's really not. I think to automatically perceive it as such is also a bias.

I've seen plenty of people give advice because they actually want to help, not because of some hate boner for any relationship that isn't perfectly conventional. I don't understand your use of "impartial", people telling OP to leave and become independent are on his side, not against him. People just see that things are clearly not right here and I feel like going on with this "the forum shits on anything unconventional" tangent ignores the actual situation at hand with OP. People are reacting to the very specific story OP has told, not going in on unconventional relationships. And yes, I'm discounting the people who have posted here trash talking poly relationships. They're wrong and they were off topic. No reason to attribute that to the entire thread.
The bias against non-traditional relationships and just how people talk about relationships in geneneral on this site is shaping the hostility, it's not outright and overt but it is there as it is in most relationship threads on this site.
 

moriquendi

Member
Oct 27, 2017
86
It's probably worth pursuing a divorce. If you were a woman staying home and raising a family while your husband works, most people would clearly understand that you've done your work for the family, and deserve financial compensation as the marriage ends, and the same is true here. She couldn't have raised a family and worked if you weren't holding down things at home, so you are rightly due financial support. Might help you get on your feet.
That's certainly how it works in my jurisdiction. A stay at home parent for younger children is very likely to receive spousal support. Many factors will determine the quantum and duration, but on an interim basis support would very likely be awarded.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
OP, you need to be honest with yourself.
I've been in a somewhat similar situation to you, OP, albeit a less serious one, still, it hurt like hell, still kind of does.

2 years ago I rented an apartment with my then girlfriend. She was working full time and I was a foreign student working part-time. I'd been with her for almost the full duration I've been there at that point (not that long, about 9 months) and she was my first serious relationship. At some point in time, around 5 months in of living together, things started to become cooler, and me, not understanding a damn thing of what was happening, started to panic around. She kind of tried to break up with me, and I would hear it at first, until she actually broke up with me, cheated on me, etc. But I still liked her. Now, she couldn't just put me out of the house, or she could, but she didn't. And like I said, I still like her. So I tried to 'get her back', and to be honest, somedays it felt like a matter of time, we never had sexz but we did pretty much everything else, like before, at one point or another. This lasted about 3 months. I still liked her, hell, I still like, but there was no coming back for her. I ended up moving out in the end last October.
I was in a foreign country, I was paying for school, I was working to pay for school, I had used most of my savings (money meant to pay for school) to move into that house, I couldn't move. Those were all excuses I told myself so I didn't move. But what I really wanted was being with her and get her back. And when she really showed me that that was not happening, it wasn't pretty, and I did things I'm not proud (I didn't hit or anything, of course), hell, I'm not proud of anything in this 3 months period. I thought I could get her back, then I thought that I could though it out. But that's not real life.
You will need to move out OP, better sooner than later.
 

Ash735

Member
Sep 4, 2018
555
The bias against non-traditional relationships and just how people talk about relationships in geneneral on this site is shaping the hostility, it's not outright and overt but it is there as it is in most relationship threads on this site.
But the issue is, Poly is not the problem here, it's just the excuse. I think that's where people are coming from when they called the red flags as soon as Poly was mentioned in the OP. The wife here just wanted an excuse to finally embrace being a lesbian and hook up with her old flame now that she was available.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I get that you have qualms with the "forum" but I've seen plenty of people give advice here because they genuinely think it's good advice and want to help. You're painting over the whole thing as hostile when it's really not. I think to automatically perceive it as such is also a bias.

I've seen plenty of people give advice because they actually want to help, not because of some hate boner for any relationship that isn't perfectly conventional. I don't understand your use of "impartial", people telling OP to leave and become independent are on his side, not against him. People just see that things are clearly not right here and I feel like going on with this "the forum shits on anything unconventional" tangent ignores the actual situation at hand with OP. People are reacting to the very specific story OP has told, not going in on unconventional relationships. And yes, I'm discounting the people who have posted here trash talking poly relationships. They're wrong and they were off topic. No reason to attribute that to the entire thread.
Yeah, I can see that most people advising me to get out mean well. Some people are being needlessly hostile, but not most. I don’t much appreciate the posts indicating that she or they have cruel intentions. I really don’t believe that.
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,186
The bias against non-traditional relationships and just how people talk about relationships in geneneral on this site is shaping the hostility, it's not outright and overt but it is there as it is in most relationship threads on this site.
I'm saying that most people are seeing OP in a bad situation and are trying to help them out of it. They aren't going "oh a non-traditional relationship? Fuck this guy!" I think seeing it that way is not very helpful. I don't know what you would want people to say otherwise.

"Hey OP, any kind of relationship is valid so just stay right where you are!"

It's not about what kind of relationships can work, it's if this one can work.
 

psynergyadept

Member
Oct 26, 2017
3,320
Jesus OP!! You let the old flame move in!?!?!? You done fucked up man....I can’t get over that!!!!

And her name is solely on the lease!?!?!? Like what!?!?!? This will not end well OP....you basically have become a butler

I really hope I’m wrong though.

This will not be okay for your mental health. You have to consider moving out and supporting yourself financially.
 

JDFaulky

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,447
This whole situation sounds extremely one sided. Sounds like she's getting everything she wants and you're getting jack squat. There's no give and take, just take. While I'm in no position to tell you what to do, OP, I will say that staying in that house sounds like you're being screwed emotionally and isn't going to be a healthy environment for you, even if your kids are present. Therapy is a great start, but I would work on getting the fuck out of there, finding some stability in your life and work on finding happiness again. I don't think your ex-wife has your mental health and happiness in mind what so ever from the sound of it. That's just my take.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
OP, you need to be honest with yourself.
I've been in a somewhat similar situation to you, OP, albeit a less serious one, still, it hurt like hell, still kind of does.

2 years ago I rented an apartment with my then girlfriend. She was working full time and I was a foreign student working part-time. I'd been with her for almost the full duration I've been there at that point (not that long, about 9 months) and she was my first serious relationship. At some point in time, around 5 months in of living together, things started to become cooler, and me, not understanding a damn thing of what was happening, started to panic around. She kind of tried to break up with me, and I would hear it at first, until she actually broke up with me, cheated on me, etc. But I still liked her. Now, she couldn't just put me out of the house, or she could, but she didn't. And like I said, I still like her. So I tried to 'get her back', and to be honest, somedays it felt like a matter of time, we never had sexz but we did pretty much everything else, like before, at one point or another. This lasted about 3 months. I still liked her, hell, I still like, but there was no coming back for her. I ended up moving out in the end last October.
I was in a foreign country, I was paying for school, I was working to pay for school, I had used most of my savings (money meant to pay for school) to move into that house, I couldn't move. Those were all excuses I told myself so I didn't move. But what I really wanted was being with her and get her back. And when she really showed me that that was not happening, it wasn't pretty, and I did things I'm not proud (I didn't hit or anything, of course), hell, I'm not proud of anything in this 3 months period. I thought I could get her back, then I thought that I could though it out. But that's not real life.
You will need to move out OP, better sooner than later.
Difference here is that I’m not trying to get her back. I don’t want her back. There’s nothing for me there.
 

Heromanz

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,456
Yeah, I can see that most people advising me to get out mean well. Some people are being needlessly hostile, but not most. I don’t much appreciate the posts indicating that she or they have cruel intentions. I really don’t believe that.
Dude the Lover is living with the house of you and you're the thrid wheel if that's not cruel I don't know what is.
 

Lant_War

The Fallen
Jul 14, 2018
6,901
Dude. You are gay.

But you and your wife's sexuality are the least important aspects of this thread. If there is any takeway from here, it's that you need to get a job asap. You must become financially independent. Don't keep telling yourself that you will look for a job after your twins are potty trained. You need to tackle this issue right away.
The OP literally has the Bi Flag on their profile picture, come on.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
Difference here is that I’m not trying to get her back. I don’t want her back. There’s nothing for me there.
You said it yourself that you still love her and get jealous of her. I don't think I believe you, that's why I said you must be honest to yourself. There's no way you don't feel like a big looser in this situation, and believe me, I'm that kind of person with low self-esteem that 'doesn't care', why do you think I forgave the girl in my story for cheating on me. I didn't care, I was being a doormat. But I don't think it's a sustainable situation, at all. It's extremely mentally unhealthy. You need to find yourself, in my experience, you won't if you don't drastically change your situation.
 
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OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
This whole situation sounds extremely one sided. Sounds like she's getting everything she wants and you're getting jack squat. There's no give and take, just take. While I'm in no position to tell you what to do, OP, I will say that staying in that house sounds like you're being screwed emotionally and isn't going to be a healthy environment for you, even if your kids are present. Therapy is a great start, but I would work on getting the fuck out of there, finding some stability in your life and work on finding happiness again. I don't think your ex-wife has your mental health and happiness in mind what so ever from the sound of it. That's just my take.
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
But the issue is, Poly is not the problem here, it's just the excuse. I think that's where people are coming from when they called the red flags as soon as Poly was mentioned in the OP. The wife here just wanted an excuse to finally embrace being a lesbian and hook up with her old flame now that she was available.
I'm saying that most people are seeing OP in a bad situation and are trying to help them out of it. They aren't going "oh a non-traditional relationship? Fuck this guy!" I think seeing it that way is not very helpful. I don't know what you would want people to say otherwise.

"Hey OP, any kind of relationship is valid so just stay right where you are!"

It's not about what kind of relationships can work, it's if this one can work.
There is always a hostile attitude in dating/relationship threads, and make that a non-traditional type and it increases. People cannot fathom something they couldn't handle could ever work, and it makes a lot of the advice have this condescending hostile edge to it. It's always like this, you can check threads yourself.

And that makes this site a terrible place to ask about relationships, outside of a few closer-knit communities here this is almost always true.

Now, we do not know for sure what the ex-wife or their partner are thinking, yet we have dozens and dozens of "they are definitely plotting" type posts which is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Of course there are a few voices in the thread speaking some sense, but this site is and always has been a bad place to ask for relationship advice.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
You said it yourself that you still love her and get jealous of her. I don't think I believe you, that's why I said you must be honest to yourself.
I can love her while acknowledging there’s no way a relationship with her could ever work going forward. The jealousy exists but it is already fading. It will be okay.
 

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,648
Yeah, I can see that most people advising me to get out mean well. Some people are being needlessly hostile, but not most. I don’t much appreciate the posts indicating that she or they have cruel intentions. I really don’t believe that.
Put your self in the GF's shoes. Once your usefulness runs out, why would they keep you around? It really just doesn't make sense for your ex.

There is nothing cruel about them asking you to leave. Its just how it goes, it'd be better if you were more proactive.

at least that's my opinion on this.
 

JDFaulky

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,447
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
She can pay for your shit all she wants, but it sounds like you're not happy man. You need to be happy too. She's getting what she wants emotionally. You're not. That ain't healthy. This free ride may not last long. You need to think about yourself and your kids first. She shouldn't even be a part of the equation anymore.
 

Agar25

Member
Apr 12, 2018
3,639
I hope you took the advice to heart OP. Also, just live and let live on relationships people. If poly works for someone more power to them, don’t chide thwm. Poly people, me wanting to be monogamous and not wanting my partner to just sleep with anyone they want doesn’t mean I want “ownership” of them (nothing grates more than this POV I get from poly people).
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
me wanting to be monogamous and not wanting my partner to just sleep with anyone they want doesn’t mean I want “ownership” of them (nothing grates more than this POV I get from poly people).
You do realize that is not a critique or attack on you right, but an expression of how some poly people feel about relationships and part of the make up of their own personal choice?

It shouldn't grate you at all.
 

Omegasquash

Member
Oct 31, 2017
2,717
I can love her while acknowledging there’s no way a relationship with her could ever work going forward. The jealousy exists but it is already fading. It will be okay.
That's true.

As long as you have a plan, and are taking steps to see it through.

My heart goes out to you, OP. Keep being a good father, and remember that self care comes first.
 

LegalEagleMike

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,028
I just want to start screaming legal advice at the computer screen but I am not supposed to do that. Please just go have a consult with a lawyer

If it is not through the court then she can stop doing whatever she is doing for you at any time with fewer and fewer ramifications the longer you stay in this arrangement.

Thats as far as I can tip toe up to the legal advice line.
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,186
There is always a hostile attitude in dating/relationship threads, and make that a non-traditional type and it increases. People cannot fathom something they couldn't handle could ever work, and it makes a lot of the advice have this condescending hostile edge to it. It's always like this, you can check threads yourself.

And that makes this site a terrible place to ask about relationships, outside of a few closer-knit communities here this is almost always true.

Now, we do not know for sure what the ex-wife or their partner are thinking, yet we have dozens and dozens of "they are definitely plotting" type posts which is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Of course there are a few voices in the thread speaking some sense, but this site is and always has been a bad place to ask for relationship advice.
I don't want to continue to go back and forth on this since it has become a meta discussion but you are really focusing in on the more negative posts and I think that shows your own bias on this with how you feel about this forum and how they talk about unconventional relationships. There are more than a few people who are giving advice in good faith and just trying to help even if you think your advice is better.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
I can love her while acknowledging there’s no way a relationship with her could ever work going forward. The jealousy exists but it is already fading. It will be okay.
I'm not you, but please, start to take steps in order for you to be able to get out of this situation. She might be paying for you, and I don't know her, but it's most likely out of pity or guilt. She doesn't respect you at all. Please know that, and try to respect yourself. I know how hard that is when your whole identity is tied to something that doesn't exist anymore.
 

Agar25

Member
Apr 12, 2018
3,639
You do realize that is not a critique or attack on you right, but an expression of how some poly people feel about relationships and part of the make up of their own personal choice?

It shouldn't grate you at all.
Don’t want to wholly derail but if I can keep my entire POV on someone else’s relationship to myself then they can keep their “ Well I’m ok with my partner sleeping around because I don’t feel I have ownership of them” to themselves as well. I don’t need the judgments on “ traditional” relationships nor do I need the implied tone that I’m not “woke” enough in the way that they are.

It’s ok to just exchange a simple “I’m glad you’re in a positive relationship that works for you” without anything extra tacked on.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
I don't want to continue to go back and forth on this since it has become a meta discussion but you are really focusing in on the more negative posts and I think that shows your own bias on this with how you feel about this forum and how they talk about unconventional relationships. There are more than a few people who are giving advice in good faith and just trying to help even if you think your advice is better.
I'm no more focusing on them than you are the more positive, but there is a very clear thread of hostility.

Don’t want to wholly derail but if I can keep my entire POV on someone else’s relationship to myself then they can keep their “ Well I’m ok with my partner sleeping around because I don’t feel I have ownership of them” to themselves as well. I don’t need the judgments on “ traditional” relationships nor do I need the implied tone that I’m not “woke” enough in the way that they are.

It’s ok to just exchange a simple “I’m glad you’re in a positive relationship that works for you” without anything extra tacked on.
It's not judgement for a poly person to explain THEIR opinion of relationships and THEIR values.

No where in this thread has anyone done what you're describing.

That you're taking a person expressing these things as an attack on you for not being woke enough is really bizarre.
 

Jombie

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
4,909
Alabama
That’s a confusing situation for your kids to be in. There is no reason to be sharing a home with them / her. You’re just hurting yourself and she knows it.
 

RockTidddies

Member
Oct 25, 2017
322
User Banned (3 days): hostility
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
Dont you find it sad that you dont have the means to even heal on your own terms? You became too dependent on her (a sick woman who could have had a turn for the worst at any moment) and relied on her. What if she couldn't provide...what could you have done? You aren't sad/jealous because things have changed. You sound angry that your gravy train is now in dire jeopardy and you are going to be forced into an adult situation fast.

You are forced to be an adult soon. None of this non-traditional bollocks excuse. You didnt grow as an individual, you became complacent doing the bare minimum of being a dad to slide through life as your wife took the brunt of everything hard like being a spouse parent AND provide (you could have done all that and still had an identity or job or means of production).

Your posts here is looking for validation and pity. And I'm gonna tell you the hard truth .... Harden the fuck up. Harden the fuck up and stop thinking about how much you owe your wife and all the sacrifices she made.

Your sacrifices aren't as deep as hers. And as much as you are cognizant of that fact and aware and grateful, that shit ain't gonna put a roof on your head. Right now your time is short because their patience is limited. All it takes is you taking a stinky dump In the toilet, a kid making a mess on the floor, or the TV being 1 decibel too loud before they start thinking there's too many people In the home.

Talk to your mom about letting your work/stay with her for a bit. All this shit happening and you writing is your PRIDE talking.

The wrong pride. Not the pride that let you let your wife fuck an old flame because you didnt have the merit or argument against it, but the one where you still think living it up as a live in butler is better than having your autonomy back.

Harden the fuck up. I'm done.
 

ProfessorLobo

Member
Oct 31, 2017
883
I've talked about it in the thread. I can always work for and live with my mom. That's what I would do if I were to leave now, but I don't want to do that.

I will probably end up working for her at some point regardless while I try to sort something else out.
For all your responses you've consistently dodged any questions about finance and legal advice. Can we assume you're not going to do that and just shrug tour shoulders and say "that's life" when you move out?
 
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