Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

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jakoo

Member
Oct 27, 2017
974
I just want to start screaming legal advice at the computer screen but I am not supposed to do that. Please just go have a consult with a lawyer

If it is not through the court then she can stop doing whatever she is doing for you at any time with fewer and fewer ramifications the longer you stay in this arrangement.

Thats as far as I can tip toe up to the legal advice line.
Just signal boosting this for you OP. You can tell yourself that your wife and her new girlfriend are not trying to be needlessly cruel, and maybe that's true, but ultimately you are going to get replaced out of this living arrangement and you 100% need to be looking out for yourself NOW.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
This is a horrible way to phrase this for OP who has clearly expressed issues with depression that are only just being treated.
I'm no expert, but this situation will not make OP's depression getting better, it'll get worse and worse, regardless of getting treated.
How long can he even continue to get treated when it's his wife providing everything. He needs to be taking action yesterday.
 
Nov 17, 2017
6,186
I'm no more focusing on them than you are the more positive, but there is a very clear thread of hostility.
All I'm saying is glancing over the last few pages, you're consistently responding to each of the negative posts like you're on lookout for them. Yes there are people who are being hostile but many who are not. Most are not but when you're focused on engaging with those who are, I can see why your perception is that the "forum" is only interested in being hostile to OP because their situation is not conventional. Anyway, I'll stop pestering you.
 

Agar25

Member
Apr 12, 2018
3,639
I'm no more focusing on them than you are the more positive, but there is a very clear thread of hostility.



It's not judgement for a poly person to explain THEIR opinion of relationships and THEIR values.

No where in this thread has anyone done what you're describing.

That you're taking a person expressing these things as an attack on you for not being woke enough is really bizarre.
Yes, surely it would never come off as judgmental or smug at all if someone were to list their entire opposing POV (of something you care about deeply) in a wholly condescending, lecturing tone. Silly me. I’ve lived plenty of these experience irl thanks. I’m done with this conversation, your defensiveness over this, when my entire point is live and let live , is absurd
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
Yes, surely it would never come off as judgement all or smug at all if someone were to list their entire opposing POV of something you care about deeply in a condescending tone. Silly men I’ve lived plenty of these experience irl thanks. I’m done with this conversation, your defensiveness over this, when my entire point is live and let live , is absurd
I've explained what I meant.

You're right, let's leave it here.

I'm no expert, but this situation will not make OP's depression getting better, it'll get worse and worse, regardless of getting treated.
How long can he even continue to get treated when it's his wife providing everything. He needs to be taking action yesterday.
People are glossing over OP's mental health and telling them to "get on with it", "harden up", etc... since when is that how we speak with people suffering from depression? And note: this has debilitated OP most of his life, and is only just being worked out...

Yes, surely it would never come off as judgement all or smug at all if someone were to list their entire opposing POV of something you care about deeply in a condescending tone. Silly men I’ve lived plenty of these experience irl thanks. I’m done with this conversation, your defensiveness over this absurdz
"My" defensiveness...

Okay then.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
People are glossing over OP's mental health and telling them to "get on with it", "harden up", etc... since when is that how we speak with people in situations like these?
I think that people read the OP's posts, his living situation and are (rightfully) terrified of being in such situation and are reacting accordingly.
 

Tater

Member
Oct 30, 2017
273
I just want to start screaming legal advice at the computer screen but I am not supposed to do that. Please just go have a consult with a lawyer

If it is not through the court then she can stop doing whatever she is doing for you at any time with fewer and fewer ramifications the longer you stay in this arrangement.

Thats as far as I can tip toe up to the legal advice line.
Just signal boosting this for you OP. You can tell yourself that your wife and her new girlfriend are not trying to be needlessly cruel, and maybe that's true, but ultimately you are going to get replaced out of this living arrangement and you 100% need to be looking out for yourself NOW.
Signal boosting this as well. Don't take it from us, take it from Steve Martin in The Spanish Prisoner:

 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Put your self in the GF's shoes. Once your usefulness runs out, why would they keep you around? It really just doesn't make sense for your ex.

There is nothing cruel about them asking you to leave. Its just how it goes, it'd be better if you were more proactive.

at least that's my opinion on this.
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.

The proposed cruelty is that they’ll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
 

Charcoal

Member
Nov 2, 2017
1,013
I've only read the OP and glanced over the past few pages, but man, I couldn't imagine going through this AND continuing to live with her/them.

Good luck, OP. I hope everything ends up positively for you.
 

B.O.O.M.

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,201
And you don't actually know if this is what's happening, not for certain. We have no way of knowing just how the ex-wife and their partner truly feel.

I mean, look at how someone just told me about my own relationship...

My partner and I have a wonderful, active sex life. We regularly go on dates. We're the first people we turn to for advice and support. We share our most intimate thoughts and desires... but because we're poly I get told this.

People project far too often in threads like these, and if you're getting irrationally angry without knowing all the details and just being swept along by the tide... that's definitely not a healthy thing.



Eh, I doubt they will. Let them think that though, I feel sorry for them if anything. They can't be coming from a healthy place with that kind of thinking.
Mate...I have no idea what you are going off about. I'm not annoyed about the OPs situation cz it's poly..I couldn't care less about that. I get annoyed because how he is treated and is letting be treated. Dude is basically a third wheel being used for convenience at home while the girl has moved on with the ex. That's not poly.

You sound you have some issued stemming from other people judging you for your life style...trust me when I say this, I should be the last person to judge someone for a poly life style
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
For all your responses you've consistently dodged any questions about finance and legal advice. Can we assume you're not going to do that and just shrug tour shoulders and say "that's life" when you move out?
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
 

ProfessorLobo

Member
Oct 31, 2017
883
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
Okay that sounds fair and I'm glad that's on your mind now. Really do hope the best, I do think your situation could work out okay.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
Mate...I have no idea what you are going off about. I'm not annoyed about the OPs situation cz it's poly..I couldn't care less about that. I get annoyed because how he is treated and is letting be treated. Dude is basically a third wheel being used for convenience at home while the girl has moved on with the ex. That's not poly.

You sound you have some issued stemming from other people judging you for your life style...trust me when I say this, I should be the last person to judge someone for a poly life style
I'm saying it's not healthy to get irrationally angry when you don't know how the ex-wife and partner truly feel, and other finer points this thread doesn't shed light on.

I mean, have some concerns etc... that was the part we were talking about.

You honestly can't see my point here?
 

Absoludacrous

The Fallen
Oct 26, 2017
1,025
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
It would help to meet with one now just to see what your options are and what advice they can give. You don't have to act on anything until the divorce actually comes up. The problem is when that conversation about divorce does happen, it's likely to be emotional and difficult. Already knowing what your options are before that point will help immensely in preparing you for when it happens.
 

ProfessorLobo

Member
Oct 31, 2017
883
Mate...I have no idea what you are going off about. I'm not annoyed about the OPs situation cz it's poly..I couldn't care less about that. I get annoyed because how he is treated and is letting be treated. Dude is basically a third wheel being used for convenience at home while the girl has moved on with the ex. That's not poly.
If he's fine with it then why do you have a problem with it? Why aren't you framing it as HE'S using HER if he's getting all his expenses paid for?
 

Volcane

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
212
I can't see your situation working out in the long term. I imagine your wife and her new partner will start to resent having you around, and they will want to become their own family i.e. want to go days out and holidays with the children.

Plus I don't know how you would react to your wife's partner becoming close to your children or start disciplining them in a way you not happy about. As being a step dad, I know my step daughters dad wasn't happy when I disciplined his child

I think you need to make plans for your future i.e. plans for your divorce (i.e. children custody, alimony etc), finding a source of income and finding a new place to live.

It appears to be, that you've just become a live in nanny for your own children at the mo.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
Honestly....

You're working on self-improvement, you're actively seeking help for your depression, you have a back up plan if you do need to leave suddenly and provide for yourself, and you know you need to work on building stability for yourself in future... the fact you're now willing to see a lawyer to work out the practical matters... I think you're doing fine, right now.

Just make sure you keep an eye on both how YOU are handling it and your children, and don't settle into this new lifestyle and get dependent on it for support as it will not be there forever.
 

Clefargle

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,694
Limburg
It would help to meet with one now just to see what your options are and what advice they can give. You don't have to act on anything until the divorce actually comes up. The problem is when that conversation about divorce does happen, it's likely to be emotional and difficult. Already knowing what your options are before that point will help immensely in preparing you for when it happens.
Yeah OP, there is no harm in sitting down with a lawyer and getting the lay of the land. That’s responsible
 

LegalEagleMike

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,028
Glad you are considering seeing a lawyer.

I would still heavily suggest having a consult soon. The timeline can progress very quickly in the initial phase of a divorce. You would be better served knowing what to expect and what materials you will need to provide to an attorney.

Also set a deadline to initiate the process yourself. Do not sit around and wait for her to file.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I can't see your situation working out in the long term. I imagine your wife and her new partner will start to resent having you around, and they will want to become their own family i.e. want to go days out and holidays with the children.

Plus I don't know how you would react to your wife's partner becoming close to your children or start disciplining them in a way you not happy about. As being a step dad, I know my step daughters dad wasn't happy when I disciplined his child

I think you need to make plans for your future i.e. plans for your divorce (i.e. children custody, alimony etc), finding a source of income and finding a new place to live.

It appears to be, that you've just become a live in nanny for your own children at the mo.
Oh gosh she's the most mellow person I've ever met and I can't imagine what her disciplining children would even look like. She can go ahead though, they need it.
 

Contramann

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,148
Dont you find it sad that you dont have the means to even heal on your own terms? You became too dependent on her (a sick woman who could have had a turn for the worst at any moment) and relied on her. What if she couldn't provide...what could you have done? You aren't sad/jealous because things have changed. You sound angry that your gravy train is now in dire jeopardy and you are going to be forced into an adult situation fast.

You are forced to be an adult soon. None of this non-traditional bollocks excuse. You didnt grow as an individual, you became complacent doing the bare minimum of being a dad to slide through life as your wife took the brunt of everything hard like being a spouse parent AND provide (you could have done all that and still had an identity or job or means of production).

Your posts here is looking for validation and pity. And I'm gonna tell you the hard truth .... Harden the fuck up. Harden the fuck up and stop thinking about how much you owe your wife and all the sacrifices she made.

Your sacrifices aren't as deep as hers. And as much as you are cognizant of that fact and aware and grateful, that shit ain't gonna put a roof on your head. Right now your time is short because their patience is limited. All it takes is you taking a stinky dump In the toilet, a kid making a mess on the floor, or the TV being 1 decibel too loud before they start thinking there's too many people In the home.

Talk to your mom about letting your work/stay with her for a bit. All this shit happening and you writing is your PRIDE talking.

The wrong pride. Not the pride that let you let your wife fuck an old flame because you didnt have the merit or argument against it, but the one where you still think living it up as a live in butler is better than having your autonomy back.

Harden the fuck up. I'm done.
The best advice in here. Pride is worth nothing right now OP. It's not doing you any favors except allowing you to think a temporary solution is okay. You may not want to go live with your mother and work under her, but it's clear there's a lot of things going on in your life you don't want to happen that is already. You're going to have to learn and adapt with the new norm because holding onto whatever old norm you used to have isn't possible anymore and not recognizing that is just going to hurt.

You're currently on a thin sheet of Ice right now, far away from any solid ground. It's only gonna take one crack before you get plunged hard into the water. Instead of delaying the inevitable you need to be scrambling to get off the ice. You need to be scrambling to find the new norm for your life. Not a temporary solution that you feel is okay because it's easier. Right now in your current situation there is no "win" outcome and it's only going to get worse. You need to mobilize and move quick.
 

ironjoe

Member
Jan 26, 2018
130
NYC
I do want to add that I personally have a lot of trouble seeing the way my ex-wife looks at the new boyfriend. The love in her eyes. My god. I can't remember the last time she looked at me like that. Or anyone for that matter.

But to be reminded of that every day? To see them together all the time? Christ almighty. That's absolute torture. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. I hope you come to the best decision you can, but I would think it involves you having your own separate life, at least so you don't have to see them together all the time.
 

Froyo Love

Member
Oct 28, 2017
859
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.

The proposed cruelty is that they’ll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
They certainly don't intend to keep you around until some explicit future date they no longer want you around. But you aren't going to find couples who wouldn't prefer living as a couple to living as a couple + an ex. So at some future date when the value you provide as a stay-at-home dad is diminishing, little things that wouldn't be issues now will start becoming more serious problems.

I don't want to condescend to you that strangers know the woman you've been involved with better than you do. But, since you mention this basically being the single relationship of your adult life, I want to emphasize: it is really common in relationships for people to make compromises that they're initially okay with and find out over time and growth that they're no longer satisfied with them. You should emotionally prepare yourself for changes like that, without assuming that it requires intentional cruelty or lying.
 
Mar 18, 2018
959
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.

The proposed cruelty is that they’ll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
Honest question, but what is your usefulness once the kids are in school?

What makes you think they'll want you around? Honestly in a few months once their relationship has a proper foundation what benefit do you add by living there for them?
 

Charcoal

Member
Nov 2, 2017
1,013
Ok, so I've caught up on everything and agree with those saying you need to get out.



A fire can only burn for so long before it destroys everything.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Honest question, but what is your usefulness once the kids are in school?

What makes you think they'll want you around? Honestly in a few months once their relationship has a proper foundation what benefit do you add by living there for them?
Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.

Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I read all of that and for some reason the fact that you have somehow had four kids with this woman is the craziest detail of them all.
Yes that is crazy. We were doing foster care while doing IVF. Didn't think we'd ever adopt a kid from foster care but figured we could help out while we had the space and wanted another kid. Suddenly we got pregnant at the same time the kid we were raising from 2 months old to two years was surrendered by his parents. And of course we were pregnant with twins. Oh well, shit happens.
 

jakoo

Member
Oct 27, 2017
974
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
How do you know your wife hasn’t already started talking to a divorce attorney?

I see no reason to be caught flat footed here, even if you don’t intend on going through with it immeadiately.
 

Depths

Member
Oct 25, 2017
962
Your situation sounds like a nightmare. Just the situation of having 4 kids, 2 divorced parents, and the moms new lover in the house, sounds ridiculous. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

I know you don't have the means right now but you need to get out of there as soon as you can.
 

Charcoal

Member
Nov 2, 2017
1,013
Yes that is crazy. We were doing foster care while doing IVF. Didn't think we'd ever adopt a kid from foster care but figured we could help out while we had the space and wanted another kid. Suddenly we got pregnant at the same time the kid we were raising from 2 months old to two years was surrendered by his parents. And of course we were pregnant with twins. Oh well, shit happens.
I feel like that's a massive thing to say oh well shit happens to, but it happened so
 
Mar 18, 2018
959
Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.

Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
I completly understand what you're saying and I agree of course you're not useless.

I'm not being mean when I see this but it sounds like your usefulness is pretty limited, the above examples are chores, feeding animals and looking after the kids when their out of school, which millions upon millions of families manage to do without a live in ex.

For your own sanity you need to plan on getting out of there and becoming independent ASAP.
 

Apharmd

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,889
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
You are making a mistake if you don't at least go talk to a lawyer ASAP. Do not wait. You are in a tenuous situation. You have kids in this tenuous situation. This is your life, and theirs. Do not make this mistake.
 

Bucca

Member
Oct 25, 2017
716
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
Bro what in the holy hell? Stop leeching, get your shit together. The situation you're in is not/will not be a healthy one.
 

Depths

Member
Oct 25, 2017
962
How have you explained this situation to your kids? I mean they have to have questions when your wifes new lover is the one going to bed with and waking up with her.
 

Contramann

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,148
Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.

Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
You really can't expect them to be this okay with this. Imagine you moved in with your wife back when you first got married and there was another living with her who you both know is in love with your wife but has acknowledged any chance for them is over as your wife has no feelings for them. How comfortable would you be living with that person? In a week? A month? Half a year? A full year? For some reason or another you're going to push for them to leave, just for the guilt alone.

It might not be easy to hear this but it's certain one of both of the other two feels guilty about this situation. They both certainly know you have lingering feelings, they both know that you see them and their relationship constantly. I can guarantee they both think about these things when they interact with you. Honestly, that's a lot of weight to have to bear and very few would want to bear it for long. In time, they will absolutely want you to move on from this situation just for their own peace of mind. Maybe for them it's fine now but eventually they're not going to want that constant guilt attached to their relationship, if it's intentional on your part or not.
 

TheBaldwin

Member
Feb 25, 2018
3,742
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.

That 'one guy' is a lawyer so uh....you might want to do that now per his advice. you don't want the situation to get potentially more fucked then it already is.
 

RyougaSaotome

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,687
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
This actively makes me sad for her tbh.

There will come a time when she will stop paying for these things or allowing you to spend her money, because she has a family to feed and take care of.

You desperately need to do some soul searching, because right now, you're like some kind of parasite. =/
 

B.O.O.M.

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,201
If he's fine with it then why do you have a problem with it? Why aren't you framing it as HE'S using HER if he's getting all his expenses paid for?
Read again, I have issues with both of them. If he was truly fine with it we won't have this thread. Don't be naive. If you really think he is in a good place and all the people saying he needs to get out of that situation, I don't know what else to tell you. But yea ultimately if he doesn't mind the treatment he is getting or his situation, he can talk about in this forum and not do anything about it too. His choice.
 

B.O.O.M.

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,201
I'm saying it's not healthy to get irrationally angry when you don't know how the ex-wife and partner truly feel, and other finer points this thread doesn't shed light on.

I mean, have some concerns etc... that was the part we were talking about.

You honestly can't see my point here?
Do I need to give you a lesson on internet today? When I said irrationally angry/annoyed I didn't mean it like I was pacing back and forth a room clenching my first or some shit. Don't overanalyze just that term, especially after I explained where I am coming from. If you wish to be willfully obtuse, go right ahead. I am basing my feelings on what information is presented. If you want to go talk to the ex-wife and partner to bring some unknown facts go right ahead.

Like I said, you have a bit of a victim complex about the poly life aspect. Which was what your previous reply to me was about. You had that unfortunate situation due to someone else, not me. I suggest you have a heart to heart with that person to get over it
 

Stryder

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,048
US
You're taking this very well.

You seem to lower yourself to elevate others around you. You're doing it a little too hard though. Start thinking about your future and your well being. Start thinking about how you want your relationship with your children to be because that might be the most important aspect of this whole thing years from now.

I suggest you start thinking about moving out and working towards a career and your social abilities. This is easier said then done, especially the last part.

Just a suggestion. Good luck.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
This actively makes me sad for her tbh.

There will come a time when she will stop paying for these things or allowing you to spend her money, because she has a family to feed and take care of.

You desperately need to do some soul searching, because right now, you're like some kind of parasite. =/
I mean, generally when one member of the family is a stay at home parent that's how it is. Since I haven't left I'm still a stay at home parent. Don't currently have income to pay for anything. How could I? I did contribute financially before we had twins, but since daycare was more expensive than my income I had to stay home. If I wasn't a parasite before I'm not now.
 

Trejo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,010
This thread is giving me a headache.

I just for the life of me cannot fathom the sheer apathy with which OP is treating this situation.

Good luck to you though OP. Hopefully everything'll shake out well for you. Somehow.
 
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